LAST ENTRY
June 12, 2002

Wow, those Three Peat leather jackets were obviously ordered in New Jersey. They looked like something left over from a Bon Jovi concert in the early 80's. Kids, put on the "Drop Deads" and grab the "Champiggady"... we're going to a parade, BEYOTCH!

 

ENTRY 28
June 12, 2002

Well, it's a good thing there were no games today for me to report on, I was camp counselor all day to the Laker haters. Of course Tig was really mad at me and thinks I'm "a total fuckin' loser that got a job at a skateboard company". It's actually worse then that Tig, this is my second job at a skateboard company. That's Mrs Loser, partner!
But Tig, I refuse to believe you hate us. I think you write me everyday looking for love. I think you want a big hug from all of us at Girl. And I think you wish we would wrap you up in a big purple and gold blanket and cuddle you. You don't think Shaq is "fat, retarded and lucky". (But in the event that you do, lots of people would consider fat and retarded "unlucky". I realize you're in Florida and that is probably considered "lucky" but I'm just introducing you to some other ideas). Give in to it, Tig. Say it to yourself, I LOVE LA. Repeat, I LOVE LA. I LOVE LA. See how that rolls off your tongue?
I don't mind using my column to reach out to you, I want you to feel the Laker glory too!
One thing I do have to correct you on, you said that no one gives a shit about "The Hime". Wrong again my little Tigaroo! He was fan of the game twice! In Florida, that's like being sheriff!

 

ENTRY 27
June 11, 2002

Yesterday Kelly Bird sent me an e-mail telling me that The Laker bench was gayer then Pollard, Kobe's an egomaniac, and some other stuff that I think was making fun of me and my dirt bike. I sent him an e-mail back and told him that I couldn't think of anything to rhyme with "sour grapes" so I would leave him out of todays column and then I realized I was wrong!!!
"Sour grapes" rhymes with "superman capes", like the one Shaq wears. And it also rhymes with "game tapes" like the ones that the Nets have to watch where they get their asses kicked. Sorry Kel, my bad. And then Tig e-mailed me again. Why the anger, Tig? I think Tig is your real name and you're taking it out on me. I didn't name you, you should be mad at Momma and Poppa Tig, not at me. I'm just trying to be a good reporter and you're making me work over time as a counselor. And that's why I sent you a package today. I want you to put that Laker flag on the "Tig Rig" when you get it and take a moment to think about who you are really mad at. It's not me, Tig. And when I hear back from you, I'm going to give you Birds phone number and the two of you can write that apology letter to me together.

 

ENTRY 26
June 10, 2002

Byron Scott might need a psychological evaluation. I think when you come right out and ask the parents of the key player on the opposing team to think about having another kid so he has a way to beat them, you've gone a little cuckoo! He told the press last night that the only way The Nets can beat The Lakers is if Shaq's parents have another kid and he can get that kid to play for New Jersey. Byron, I'm not a mathematician but if Shaq's mom gets pregnant tonight and gives birth in the spring of next year, Shaq will be almost 50 and probably retired, you will probably be retired too. Maybe even next year if you keep making these sorts of comments to the press. I realize the greatness of The Lakers can make you a little punch drunk, hey, it happens to me. But I don't blurt it all out at a press conference. And I usually don't even go to press conferences. Lastly, Tig, What is it with you and I? I reach out to you and you lash back! I didn't say "Tig" was your real name, I just said it was a cool name. Like "Sting" or "Bono". And judging from your e-mails, you're way cooler then either of those goofs. And you're right, it was moronic to imply you would name your kids GOLDFISH or MOUSE. What about PACO? I think you would do that, wouldn't you Tigaroo?
Tig, just keep one thing in mind, when I'm at the Laker victory parade with "those dumbfucks" I call my friends, I will be thinking of you. Stuck in Florida sending e-mails to websites designed by people with "their heads up their ass".
In the event that you really do hate us, which I know you don't, did you know that we are not the only site on the web? I swear it, scroll around Tig, there's something out there for you.

 

ENTRY 25
JUNE 10, 2002

Game 2 and 3 of the NBA Palyoffs
The Nets are scared. They have no answer for Shaq, but I think they might have some questions for him. Like, how are you so good? The Nets could probably beat The Lakers if it was two on five and it was just Mad Dog and Mitch Richmond representing The Lakers. But maybe they would still lose. Yeah, they probably would still lose. Byron Scott had one of those wrist bands on that asks WWJD (What Would Jesus Do). Good question, Byron. I think the answer is "not abandon the city that put those rings in your jewelery box". But I'm just guessing. Jesus might say something else.
Kelly Bird thinks it is silly to waste money on Laker tickets and feels it would be better spent on Jet Skis. I didn't even know Kelly was into personal water crafts. It's weird the things you find out when The Lakers are so good.
The Hime got fan of the game on Friday. I wonder if Kelly Bird thinks that The Hime would have been better served to get "King of the River" at Havasu. Probably.
Lakers now have a 3-0 lead. What do you do with a broom that rhymes with "sleep"?

 

ENTRY 24
June 6, 2002

No games today so we take a moment to repsond to some e-mail. Today we address "Tig in Florida". First off, nice handle, bro. OK, I just want to repsond to three things in your e-mail.
First, "your column sucks and shows how little you know about Sports". Tig, you devil, my column does not suck. If it sucked, a cool guy with a bitchen name like Tig wouldn't read it everyday. See? And if I didn't know shit about sports then how do you explain my softball trophies? Gotcha again, Tigger.
Second, "Shaq is fat". Dude, it's spelled P-H-A-T. And I agree, the entire team is PHAT!
Lastly, "I hate your column and the entire Girl company". Tig, stop lying. You know you have a picture of Koston under your pillow and a Rick doll on your night stand. You love Girl, Tig. You love everything about us. You check Crail Tap everyday just to see how we tick. I bet you even name your first kids, GOLDFISH and MOUSE. We love you, too, Tig.

 

ENTRY 23
June 5, 2002

Remember when there were three seconds on the clock in game 7 of the last series and you felt that slight bit of sadness for Bibby? Me neither.
Tonights game was just sad. I liked it in the 2nd quarter when the Lakers were ahead by twenty so they put a bunch of guys in off the bench. Sort of like when you race against a three year old and you pretend like you're stuggling and let them take the lead. I heard Shaq offer to play blind folded but the officials said "no". The Lakers are gentlemen like that, they know when to be cool. Too bad New Jersey will never win a championship. I think it would be cool for them to have Bon Jovi play on the float in the parade. Jon Bon Jovi could wear those lizard skin pants that look so hot on him and maybe they would have Heather Locklear on the float with Richy. So sick.
David Stern should end the series, seriously, think of peoples futures. Jason Kidd is the MVP of the Eastern Conference! Let him go, let him leave while he is still king of the east. Don't send him back home after a sweep. He goes from king of the hill to swept guy, all because David Stern doesn't care about peoples feelings.

 

ENTRY 22
June 3, 2002

We know great players when we see them so we just wanted to say that Bibby, at some point deserves a ring. The guy is amazing. And we also take a moment to love Brandon Biebel, he loves Sacto and we love him!

 

ENTRY 21
June 2, 2002

Today we will do a quick poem in honor of The Kings:

Roses are red
Violets are Blue
Cowbells are scary
And now Vlade gets to go on vacation early.....BE-YOTCH!

 

ENTRY 20
June 1, 2002

Todays column we will dedicate to answering a few questions that have been sent our way.

1) "Will you Laker bandwagoners be behind the Dodgers if they make it to the playoffs?"
Since I don't know your name, we'll just call you ASSHOLE IN KENTUCKY. Well, ASSHOLE IN KENTUCKY, no. Baseball is boring and it really is a no-action sport. And just so we can get our lives in order, how many seasons and Laker teams do we have to support so we are not considered "band wagoners"? Do we need to be born in the Staples Center parking lot? Or perhaps been fans of them before they came to LA? Do we need to be a blood relative of Jerry West? Let us know, because seeing that you're from Kentucy and all, we know you can set us straight.
2) "Do those idiots at Girl really think anyone outside of their company thinks CrailTap is funny?"
I think the more important question is, "Do we care?". We'll think about your question, you think about ours.
On a side note, a parrot is not an owl. Make a note of that.

 

ENTRY 19
May 31, 2002

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Pete
Pete Who?
Mr Pete, my first name is Three! HA HA HA HA HA HA

 

ENTRY 18
NBA Games of May 29, 2002

Celtics/Nets
Before we get into the riveting contest under way in the east, let me take a quick moment to honor all those Laker Haters. All your e-mails and phone messages are so terrific! You are such a funny group, how all of you are not in stand up is simply beyond me. Bret (with one "T"), that crack about hiring Phil Jackson to be the Girl driver or that one about Bibby skating for Girl, where do you get the material? My sides were splitting. Maybe if a team you like wins, like say The Kings, you can go to the parade and do your dollar bill trick. Oh, and don't let your comedy interfere with your "errands".
And Matt, that idea for a sign in the crowd that reads SHAQN'T. Stop it. How am I supposed to work when I am tearing from laughter? When you left the message on my machine on Tuesday night asking if Kobe still had the runs. I had to play the message a couple times, humor like that is a rare sound. And by the way Matt, How'd the Heat do this year? Cool, tell Riley we all said "what's up".
New Jersey was on fire. They were like flame throwers. They were scorching hot. I had to turn the channel on the televison with an oven mitt. New Jersey won, I think.

 

ENTRY 17
NBA Games of May 28, 2002

Lakers/Kings
It's called basketball, Vlade. Look it up. You cheating little loser.

 

ENTRY 16
NBA Games of May 27, 2002

Celtics/Nets
Now that I've lost the entire audience. Nets won. I guess Jason Kidd is "Captain Kidd", Danny Ainge was right. My bad, Danny. I sort of want Boston to win but I don't care enough to even tell you why. Isn't that sad? It truly is sad. This is my column, I should care and want to express things to you. But I don't. David Stern could step in and hand the Eastern Conference Final to Charlotte, who has already been eliminated and I wouldn't even ask any questions. I would just go back to life as usual. Very sad state of affairs. David Stern could even step in and cancel the rest of the Eastern Finals and just say "obviously whoever wins in the west, The Lakers, need some rest. Why have them fly back and forth to New Jersey or Boston and waste their precious time? Let's avoid the humiliation that goes along wth a sweep and call it a day" and I would not blink. This is very sad.
So, let's go back to the west so I can get your attention. I had an idea for Sacto since all they can do is chant "BEAT LA". Here's some ideas for signs for you silly little rednecks:
1. OK, this is a two person deal. You hold LA and your friend with the Bibby Grizzlies jersey that I saw in section 108 on Sunday holds up ME. Get it? It spells LAME. So hot right now.
2. YOU CAN'T FIGHT THE FLOP. This one is just truth in advertising. It basically says to The Lakers, "we don't play basketball, but we can still win". You'll get into the Lakers heads so hard, they just won't know what hit them.
3. SACTO IS NOT WACTO. This is just fighting the lasting sting of Ako's signs. It's a total lie but do what you have to do.

 

ENTRY 15
NBA Games of May 26, 2002

Lakers/Kings
Lakers won. We'll keep today's entry simple so we can all go and enjoy the three day weekend. There was some people in section 205 that were holding the most amazing signs, I think Ako would have been in tears! They had one that was about 8 feet long that said "SHAQRAMENTO". It was purple and gold and had glitter on it, very emotional.
Other then that, here's a brief list of people that had a "very surprising" expression on their face in the last 3/10 of a second of today's game:
Coach Adelman
Chris Weber
Floppy Divac
Doug Christy
Scott Pollard
Kermit Bibby
Bobby Jackson
Brandon Biebel
Here'a also a brief list of people that were hearing the tune "eye of the tiger" in their mind during the last 3/10 of a second of today's game:
Robert Horry

 

ENTRY 14
NBA Games of May 24, 2002

Lakers/Kings
Floppy Divac is a travesty.

 

BONUS ENTRY (#13)
May 22, 2002

If Hime or Tim try and say that any employee at Girl test drove a Porsche, just hug them, they like to lie a lot. Sometimes when you listen to Phish too much, I guess it makes you lie. "The real championship is in the east" is something they might try to tell you. Just watch your back.

 

ENTRY 12
NO NBA Games - May 22, 2002

"The real championship is in the west". Um, here is a brief list of the people that have felt it was necessary to say this to me:
Rick Howard
Two of my sisters
Brian Mettee (pronounced MUH-TEE)
Kevin Wilkins
My dentisit
My brother
Kelly Bird (Actually, Kelly said something more along these lines: "Fuck this stupid playoff shit. The whole thing is so wack, it isn't even funny. And all these lame ass kooks who want to see a Celtics/Lakers reunion, get over it").
So, let's put the brakes on that statement, we're all crystal clear on where the real championship is. I'm a fair and balanced reporter trying to write a column and how amazing The Lakers are make my job difficult enough to do. I guess the hicks in Sacto that tried to poison Kobe don't know how to measure things. Maybe the poison recipe called for a "tablespoon" of some ingredient but since it's Sacto and the folks around those parts are a bit dim, they may have thought to use one of those big wooden spoons that people hang up in Italian restaurants. Or like Rick hung in his kitchen. They were trying to take Kobe out just for one game but he still has the runs! If he can't play on Friday I think the game should be cancelled because David Stern needs to tell The Kings, "stop cheating, ya' Suckramento Queens". Or maybe something a little more professional. What are they going to try next if we don't stop them? Maybe call Tonya Harding, and start bashing in peoples knees? For the love of god, stop this nonsense.
Not to say anything unkind about any of the Lakers but Rick Fox needs to be a little more tactful with the press. When asked about Kobe still being ill, he said, "I know he has stuff coming out of a few different holes". Whoa, there horse teeth, it's network televeison not HBO. Slow it down.
Speaking of slowing it down, if you happen to see a psychedelic bus going through your town and inside the bus is a guy that looks malnourished and a guy that's face is sort of swollen, it's not a Partride Family reunion, It's Tim and Hime in a rented winnebago stalking the band, Phish!! If they try and get you to come along with the "last seat" routine, don't fall for it. More like "last seat if you don't count the other empty 12". I think it goes without saying that it is back to the "banned" status for those two. Be safe, you two, and careful not to get any sage weed oil in your eyes. Love you. Lastly, I think Jerry West should come back to LA. Memphis is dumb and it gets so humid in August. Jerry might get sick of southern accents and freak out in the arena, maybe kick a basketball at someone and take out their eye. Jerry, come back now, before anyone gets hurt.
Good Night.

 

ENTRY 11
NO NBA games - May 21, 2002

INTERVIEW WITH AKO JEFFERSON, PROFESSIONAL NBA FAN AND GAME-SIGN MAKER:

What are the important things to acknowledge when making signs for an NBA game?
Any physical or steez faults of the opposing team. Such as how ugly the starting line up of the Sacramento Kings are. For example how bad Dug Christy's hair cut is, or Pollards horrible goatee, Stockovich's ears are a good one. If it was the Jazz you could talk about John Stocktens shorts. It's also good to let them know they will never have a championship ring.

How many people are key for the proper sign display?
As many as possible but when it gets over 3 deep it can get hard to coordinate the people and have them all stand at the same time as well as make sure they aren't too crunked that they are holding them upside down.

Does it take away from the signs when Rick keeps yelling "Don't be scared, Weber" or do drunks screaming add to the display?
Being drunk and loud adds so much more to the whole presentation because it can attract more people to looking at the signs as well as more of a possibility of getting the player you are punking to look at them. Getting the player to look at it is the objective of making the sign. Rick has a great Staples voice. Possible 6th man award. Hime is also good at yelling at the other team while they shoot freethrows to make them miss but he could get a little louder.

How damaging is it when a good sign is used at the wrong time? For example, at the last Laker game Hime held up a sign that read "TWIN BLOW-ITS" in reference to Duncan and Robinson just as Shaq and Kobe made an amazing play. How would you have handled this situation?
Wow. That's hard one to deal with. Nice one Hime.

Gavin was quick to note, "there's a graphic designer in section 105". Do you think the crowd appreciates the printed signs as opposed to the handmade ones?
I think that the message is the most important part of the sign. A hand written "I love Kobe" is no different then a printed one, the crowd loves them both. The printed ones are usually alot easier to read so the message is spread wider and easier.

If timing is everything, are their signs that are saved for the second half?
Timing is very important. It's better to make fun of the teams appearance at the beginning so it takes away their self-confidence. Then at the end it's good to use ones rubbing in that we will always be the champs. It's also good to use the "Fuck Sacto" or the "Divac is a cry baby bitch" so if you get kicked out you don't miss much of the game.

Where do you draw the line? What won't you put on a sign?
I will take it all the way, no limit soldier. I always bring a sign with cuss words and will use it at the end of the game if we are losing but that never happens [EDITORS NOTE: except for when key players get poisoned by the opposition].

 

ENTRY 10
NBA games of May 20, 2002

Lakers/Kings
I haven't read the NBA handbook lately but I think poisoning the other team is probably a foul. Kobe ordered a bacon cheeseburger as well as a piece of cheesecake and by midnight he was throwing it all up. He had to be hooked up to an IV and lost a lot of liquids. The trainer determined he had food poisoning. The Kings poisoning us combined with Vlade being a drama queen and getting all kinds of false fouls called on Shaq by falling down for no reason really helped The Kings. There was a Kings fan sitting behind the Laker bench with a sign that said "NICE MISS". He kept holding it towards Shaq. In case that guy checks this column for his NBA updates, NICE GUT. Hey fatso, when your shirt is stretched over your gut and practically fastened into your pants so that your stomach doesn't come running on to the court like an oil spill, you're in no position to hold up signs. Unless of course they read "DOES ANYONE HAVE THE NUMBER OF JENNY CRAIG?". Tyra Banks was also in the crowd cheering on her little lover boy. Doesn't she have a Sports Illustrated shoot she needs to be studying for? Doug Christy has some great "ink" going, Pollards hair is looking awesome and Bibby still has helium voice. Even though The Kings tried to kill Kobe the night before the game, they still only won by 6 points.

 

ENTRY 9
NBA games of May 19, 2002

Nets/Celtics
I will say one thing about the east, they are consistent. Consistently boring. I tried to be a good reporter and watch the game but all i would do was daydream. I drifted off and thought about lots of things. I thought about who could play Jason Kidd if they ever do a movie on the most boring series in history. I came up with that one guy from Saving Private Ryan, I can't remember his name. And then I thought about the NBA not being on NBC next season. I wondered if they might have John Tesh do another theme song. Does John Tesh watch the games to hear the theme song he wrote?
At halftime I wondered if Kelly Bird might have smiled when the Rockets won the draft lottery. I knew he didn't but I tried to remember what Kelly looked like when he smiled...I haven't seen it for so long. Every now and then I hear Kelly say something is "so sick" but I don't think he smiles when he says it.
I wondered about the Magic and the Heat. What happened to them? Florida used to rule the east. Does Mike Leon like those teams? He's from Florida. He's not proud to be from Florida. He has a friend named Brett that isn't from Florida. He almost got beat up one time by Rick for sending an e-mail that insulted the Lakers. And then he did this wonderful magic trick at a party at Mike's one night and made Rick forget they were ever enemies. It was like David Copperfield showed up to erase any bad feelings that might exist between Rick and Brett. I don't think Rick would have beaten him up, maybe just slapped his chest really hard.
So then the 3rd quarter started and I was hooked. Hooked on not being able to watch the game. The Nets won. I am hoping for a Nets sweep now just to end the misery. The Nets have never been to the conference finals so even if they lose, they still got further then they ever have. Imagine how the Celtics feel. They've been like 17 times. I wish I could take a pill and make myself care about this series. Someone should make pills that make you interested in things, that could help kids get better grades if you think about it. But kids shouldn't take pills. Maybe they could give them to you in College.

 

ENTRY 8
NBA games of May 18, 2002

Lakers/Kings
Wow, those cow bells sure are distracting. I wonder if the Kings fans had left their cowbells at home if the Lakers would be the first team to get 200 points in a playoff. Kings fans, it's a basketball game, not a distraction contest. Lakers won. Kings lose. Hime has been banned again from Tha Tap.

 

ENTRY 7
NO NBA games - May 17, 2002

No games today but let's take a look around the NBA and see what is going on with all the second rate teams. Before we launch into that, we need to make note that we have pulled the life time ban on Hime from Tha Tap. Hime claims although he did refer to himself in the third person, he did not put "the" in front of his name. Others present remember it differently but we're all about 2nd chances. For any interested ladies, Hime hates the beach, loves black, Fresh Jive, Victorville and his turn ons include "a big happy crowd at Las Palmas".
OK, let's take a look around the league.
Stoudmire got busted for pot. The cops found weed in his house but he pleaded innocent to possesion charges. His bail was $50,000.00 which really makes one wonder how much pot he was possesing. Even though the Trailblazers were not blazing trails, it looks like they were blazing something. Kids, don't do drugs, stay in school and always remember Portland sucks.
The Charlotte Hornets are moving to New Orleans. What? How does this happen? Why New Orleans? Do they think that is where they film all the "Girls Gone Wild" videos? That's not a good reason to move. In fact, that is a very tacky reason. What if they are moving because they want to be considered part of the west rather then the east? Ya know, cuz the east sucks and all. I really have nothing to say about this which is why I am asking all these stupid questions.
Stephon Marbury had ankle surgery last Thursday. I wonder if they gave him Vicodin. I hope they didn't. Vicodin is bad for people and can be addicting. But soap operas are addicting. I used to schedule my classes in college so I could see ALL MY CHILDREN every day. And I didn't even have surgery. But I was addicted. I remember the day when Greg and what's her name finally got married. And in real life on that same day, I got dumped. But I'm over it. He carved my name in his arm...never mind.
Grant Hill might decide to play a few games. Orlando paid 93 million dollars for this guy and he's played like 18 games in the last two seasons. Do you know how pissed off you would be if you had made this purchase? I would not be able to even look at the guy. And for 93 million, play hurt you big baby. How much will it take to get you back on the court....would 200 million help?
The Bulls have fired their long time announcer, Ray Clay, after 12 years. He claims the reason they fired him was because he gave Michael Jordan such a warm reception when the Bulls played The Wizards. I really don't care. But his name does remind me of one of those "Wanted" posters they post in the post office. It was about ten years ago and this guy had for his alias' "LARRY BARRY" and "BARRY LARRY". I guess when you're robbing banks, you don't always have time to organize your thoughts. Sometimes you have to come up with names on the fly. Names like "Ray Clay".
See how lame this column is when the Lakers are not playing? Told you.

 

 

ENTRY 6
NO NBA games - May 16, 2002

Since we have no game tonight, we will take a look at some of the things that the key players in Sacramento are saying. We will also note some of the Laker Girls that may be a nice love connection for Kelly Bird. We should also make a quick note that we have had to put a life time ban from Crail Tap on Hime as he referred to himself as "The Hime" earlier today. That would explain the fond attachement to Tim Gavin as Tim referred to himself as "The Gav" last week. You two take care. First, the goofs of Sacramento.
Vlade Divac: "I play the way I play and I have played that way all year long". Wow, Vlade, you're so introspective. So, we can expect that you will play like a total baby in the playoffs? Well that's just great. It's been an entire year of watching you pretend you were fouled when no one is within a mile of you. A whole series of you flopping on the floor, checking for blood and whining? Thanks for the warning. Look forward to the series.
Bibby: "I am not surprised that the experts out there have written us off. They have been writing us off since the Utah series. We are the underdogs, we have nothing to lose". Um, is there an assistant to the Kings that can go over the past season with this guy? Does he think he is still on the Grizzlies? Do Memphis and Sacto have so many hicks that you can't tell which city you are in? Bibby, hello, home court advantage, best record in the league, Miss Piggy's your best friend. Clippers are underdogs, you guys are in first. No one wrote you off when you played The Jazz, it's just an understood thing if you are playing a team that is over weight and old, you should win. Just stop giving quotes to the press, you're irritating.
Pollard: "My facial hair is really lame". Just kidding, that was just wishful thinking. Here's what he said: "Gaurding Shaq is like pushing on a wall, it's about as pointless as that. You just have to play him smart. He is talented and strong". The last time I said someone was talented and strong I was in love with them....Pollard, got something to tell us?
Adelman: "The team is going to decide the game. It's not about Shaq and Vlade or Doug and Kobe. It's about the two teams". You better hope it's not about Shaq and Vlade or Doug and Kobe. Is this guy for real or do rocks roll around in his head? Oh, really, it's about the two teams? Wow, that's weird because we thought Sacto had just challenged us to a game of Horse. Crazy, the whole team is going to play? Shocker. OK, now let's take a quick look at a few of the Laker Girls and see why they are all wrong for Kelly.
First off, Lisa from San Diego. Her interests are writing, singing and costume design. Kelly could probably deal with the writing and costume design but the singing would not work. Kelly has a short fuse for humans and pursuing a singing career is more then he has patience for. Kelly also has a problem with San Diego. He'll go for a trade show but not for love.
Erinn from La Mirada. She seems alright but why the two "N's' in her name? Is she trying to stand out in the crowd? And speaking of crowds, does she like to make out in them? Because Kelly does. Kelly would not want to make the drive to La Mirada. He's already agitated from driving to Torrance and now you want him to get on the 91? Yeah Right.
Britten. It really doesn't matter what city she is from because her interests are cooking, working out and roller blading. It's bad enough to have ever roller bladed but to have it as an interest, not good. Plus, her hair do is wrong for Kelly. I know when he gets a few lemon drops in him, he's a little less picky but the over processed hair won't work with Kelly.
Tomorrow we'll take a painful look at the east. If you have had trouble sleeping, tune in.

 

 

ENTRY 5
NBA games of May 15, 2002

Hornets/Nets
For this game, this column should have been called "Now Who's Asleep". Is anyone kidding me? I found myself riveted by the Mike's Hard Lemonade and Captain Morgan commercials because the game was so boring. I think I nodded off a few times. What happened to the East? Eldon Campbell takes about 30 minutes to get down the court each time and he makes eye contact with Lynch as if they were the modern day Michael and Scotty. I don't even care that they were both Lakers at one time. The lead switched seventeen times by the beginning of the third quarter! That probably doesn't even happen in the WNBA.
Danny Ainge didn't help much. His commentating is so bland, it's almost a monotone. If I leave the room where the televison is and go into another room of my house, his play by play sounds like my uncle Bill (age 77) is leaving me a voice mail. Danny, seriously, go have some Jello or something. And stop calling Jason Kidd "Captain Kidd". It makes it seem like somethng weird happened between the two of you on a hot summer night.
Again, I have to pay tribute to Horry. Not because he had anything to do with this game but Bird will stay up all night coming up with a formula that ties Horry into the big scheme of this victory and I just want to head him off at the pass. It will be far fetched and with out basis but Kelly is my friend and I need to respect that. (On a side note of respect, at the Lakers/Spurs game, I got a little happy when I saw Bill Walton and Hime acted like I was asking Carrot Top for his autograph. Sorry Hime, it's just little old me, I've never been in a Fresh Jive ad).
There was a guy in the crowd in New Jersey with a sign that read "WATCH OUT BOSTON YOU'RE NEXT". I guess his friend that had the other half of the sign "WE'RE GOING TO BORE YOU TO DEATH" went to get a beer. New Jersey won and now we will watch on the edge of our seats to see if it is New Jersey or Boston that will be brought to tears by the purple and gold. Shame on you, Byron Scott for ever leaving LA!

 

ENTRY 4
NBA games of May 14, 2002

Boston/Detroit
Boston won.
Someone in the crowd threw a beer at one of the guys on Boston, he got pissed off, sort of went after them and then thought about being ejected and fined and sat his eastern conference ass back down. Yawn.

Lakers/Spurs
This match up will just be titled "thank god for Horry". Not because he won the game for us but because I don't have time to write thtis column and argue with Kelly Bird. I'm busy.
OK, well the guy that got MVP because someone in his family counted the votes isn't so valuable when Shaq Daddy and #8 come knockin' at his door. Then he's more like MPC (Most Pathetic Creature). He folded like a house of cards when push came to shove. Whining and crying when a foul got called on him and running down the court like a girl with cramps. I would be embarrassed to even be from Texas.
The Spurs seem to think that Ferry was going to turn the world around with his smile. Hello, it's The Lakers, not the local team that Rick, Eric, Tim and Hime palyed on. (And lost every game but that's not important). What's important is that the Lakers are about to have to call Pat Riley and ask him if it's OK if they use the phrase "Three Peat" since Riley trademarked it.
A lot of the fans thought it would be funny to make signs making reference to the Sacto Kings by calling them the Sacto Queens, including Hime. But Hime almost scored with the girl in the row ahead of us. He would have made his move but he got apprehensive after seeing she had her cell phone in a holster on her belt. That just made him nervous. Lakers won and once again proved that the purple and gold are not to be toyed with.

 

ENTRY 3
NBA games of May 13, 2002

Mavericks/Kings
Well, I guess that shot of B12 and Magnesium that Dirk got before the game was not enough to stop Bobby Jackson from "delivering a dagger deep into the heart of Texas". Dirk, maybe look into another nutritionist as both those things do the same as having a glass of lemonade. Remember last year when the San Diego Padres let Garth Brooks be on the team for a while just because he was famous? I thought The Kings were doing the same thing. I thought they were letting Mark McGrath from Sugar Ray play a few games but it turns out it was just Pollard. Pollard wasn't that needed because Jackson, Bibby and Weber were playing like royalty. They are red hot! (That last part was just for Biebel). The Kings proved to be a better team but it also had to do with the fact that The Mavericks seemed to have amnesia and forgot to play defense. Vlade proved once again that the english translation of his name is cry baby. Nash exhaled during the third quarter and Divac, the big goof, grabs his head and checks for bleeding. I used to be able to tolerate Vlade but I keep expecting to see him playing patty cake on the bench while he is resting or maybe getting his dipaer changed. I'm sure glad we get to see Doug Christy run down the court and pump his fist for another round. I think it's really great when he does it after a free throw during the 1st quarter. Very triumphant. Lucky for him I wasn't at the game or he'd have matching black eyes. Now Nash can hang out with Cuban in Dallas and get lots of chicks. Cuban should see if the local drama club is doing a re-make of "Frankenstein". Maybe the ease with which he could get the lead in a production like that will take the sting off getting beat by a team that looks like they just left a Sublime concert. And speaking of the off season, if the Sacto drama club needs anyone to do Kermit The Frog voice overs, I think Bibby will be available in about two weeks.

 

ENTRY 2
NBA games of May 12, 2002

New Jersey/Charlotte
Who cares.

Lakers/Spurs
"The Spurs folded like a Savon lawn chair". That's what the news caster on channel 9 said. I just want to dedicate this game to Kelly Bird. Kelly, did you like the 3rd or 4th quarter better? Let me know. Anyone who watched this game would agree that Kobe should have been MVP but since Duncans mom counted the votes, he got to be MVP. I think it had a lot to do with Rick's lucky tank top. "I have two of them", he told us after the game. The Lakers are so hot! The final game will be on Tuesday, the 14th. Rick and Eric will be on a plane headed for the Harsh Euro Barge so they won't get to witness the Lakers take control of the Western Conferenece Finals. I hope Kelly Bird isn't on a plane, he likes to see playoff games! I would like to go to a playoff game with Kelly but as a Laker Hater, he has a life time ban on sitting in any seats owned by Girl. Mitch Richmond is rusty and can not be part fo the palyoffs. He can save his energy for the parade. And Kelly should save his energy for the parade! If you have time, send a postcard to "Kelly, Save Your Energy For The Parade". The most creative purple and gold post card wins a free skateboard deck! Must send entries before the Championships!

 

ENTRY 1
NBA Games of May 10, 2002

Celtics/Pistons (in Boston)
Celtics won even though Stackhouse got the three point shot off before the clock ran out. Too bad for you, Stackhouse. Maybe it was his 1st game in the league because after everyone was leaving the stadium, which usually signals the end of the game, he kept looking around like his fairy god mother was going to come tap him on the forehead with a wand and the score would change. Stacky, when people are leaving the floor and you have lost, go into the dressing room and change. Unless you're playing the Pacers and that little bitch Miller tackles you on to the score table, then you can hang out and look around but otherwise, it's off to Las Palmas for you.

Lakers/Spurs (in San Antonio)
Duncan got MVP (maybe his mom counted the votes) so the Spurs had a little celebration before the game. Wow, what fun, the guy on your team that gets MVP looks like he's three and runs like an elephant. The twin towers are a bunch of goofs. I know, everything is big in Texas but is everything dumb there too? Just checking. Shaq got fouled more then anyone and didn't get any of the calls as usual. I think Duncan could have come out on the court with a billy club and beat Shaq unconscious and probably would still not get a foul called. Oh well, maybe the refs think it feels good to have people land on you with all of their weight for 48 minutes. Maybe when the finals are over, they can put all the refs in a room and Shaq can jump on them, see if they might pay attention next season. Phil Jackson was screaming a lot. He has a bad back and should save his energy for the parade. Lakers won.