ENTRY #16, 4:24pm 9/8/06 Chocolate "adventure walking" series hip sack, coming soon. •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• ENTRY #15, 9:19am 9/7/06 Next time you skate, try this to liven up the scene if things aren't cool. •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• Continuing our hypothetical journey into the land of abstract logic, try this excuse next time you get a ticket — for anything. •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• ENTRY #14, 5:45pm 9/6/06 A touch of drama has unspooled since the announcement of the winner of the Pitch-A-Fart Contest. A few passionate folks shouted boo at the "Time Lawyers" pitch concept, pointing out an eerily similar scenario that appeared on a vintage episode of Mad TV. We wanted to give fart-pitcher Robert Reed... ...a chance at rebuttal, and he came back with some bulletproof logic: Dude, Who the fuck watches Mad TV? I'm a little dismayed at all the hating on what I like to think of as the Time Lawyers franchise. While it is unfortunate that there are some similarities between the basic Time Lawyers concept and that of an obscure bit on an inexplicably long-running sketch comedy show, it really cannot tarnish the dignity of what Time Lawyers is all about. The Time Lawyers are about doing what's right. They travel through time to protect the innocent, not to get the guilty off the hook. Time Lawyers isn't about funny jokes, it's not about cheap laughs and high fives. Think of the concept less as a journey through time and more as a journey through the human heart. I stand by my pitch. Nobody watches that stupid show. —Robert Reed If the pitch fits, we must admit. Somebody tell the guys in the warehouse to send this man his sack full of sacks. •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• Simple, yet comic. I think skate videos could really benefit from more pie-oriented footage. Also, have you guys been checking Tom’s live internet TV show? It goes on the air every night at 11, or 11ish. •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• Mez, are you one of those crafty sticker guys when it comes to your car? If so, remember the attention to detail, i.e., leave the accent mark to show it's a contracted form of a longer word. •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• ENTRY #13, 11:19am 9/5/06 Emergency appendectomy? All those trips to Monks are really paying off, Sanger. •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• Hearing about Steve Irwin sucked. If you're into seeing swarthy men riding the razor's edge of nature, then you will definitely want to peep this: Manny Puig is an aquatic predator expert and part of the Jackass/Wildboyz crew. Produced by the dudes from Dickhouse, Ult-Pred documents Manny's story in the context of some super gnarly large animal encounters. As it so happens, it goes on sale today at Best Buy, Wal-Mart, and online. •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• This weekend Tremaine marked a milestone in years spent on this earth. Happy birthday Jeffy. •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• Skateboarding's distant cousins. Coming soon to the Four Star line of action accessories. •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• Desk bound designer with dachshund Aaron Draplin has flown the fuck-it flag and taken flight (via car) for 8 weeks. That's 8 cities, 8 weeks. Be sure and read his updates at draplindustries.com. Good voice, steady hand, and an eye for the weird. •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• ENTRY #12, 4:00pm 8/31/06 Dear BBDO/Toronto Advertising Agency, I can almost believe the Jon Comer battery/can sci-fi leg apparatus, but there's no way I'm buying the fact these are real skateboarders. You didn't put nearly enough elbow pads on them. In 2006 the cool kids are wearing pads on top of their pads. Please contact me if you need any additional trends forecasted. •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• On the vending machine front, Sam, you might try stocking these. Forbidden fruit is always the sweetest. •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• The Pitch-A-Hollywood-Fart Contest was a heated frenzy of frenzied heat, with dozens of doozies dropping. After careless consideration, we've narrowed it down to the top trio. (And when we say we, we mean I). 3RD PLACE (good, but not good enough) Derek Yee's pitch: Carnal Knowledge A “reality show” whereby 5 random people are chosen to live in a home together for one week. Sounds boring right? However, they have to listen to Dave Carnie talk about what is wrong with skateboarding for the entire week. After that, they are expected to fix skateboarding within the month. Winner gets punched by Carnie and Phelps for not being Hesh enough. Losers get berated in print, and lambasted as “rail skaters,” and, therefore, not skaters. 2ND PLACE (better, but it wouldn't 'play in Peoria' as the saying goes) Dirk Vogel's pitch: Washed Up Car Wash In 1991, four high-rolling 80's vert pros find themselves replaced overnight by a new generation of street skaters. Cut off by their sponsors, they invest what little money they haven't blown on hookers and booze into a neighborhood car wash. While hedging their bets on concocting a revolutionary "Body Jar" car shampoo, they formulate a plot to bring back the glorious days of rip-grip and leopard knee pads. THE WINNER Rob Reed's pitch: Time Lawyers Two trial lawyers are caught in an interdimensional rift, travelling through time and re-fighting historical cases. They get Sacco & Vanzetti off the hook. Joan of Arc gets 6 months probation. Jesus H. Christ gets a year house arrest and 200 hours of community service. Each wrong they right, each case they fight, the Time Lawyers hope that their next trial will be back in their own time. Rob, do you realize you're named after the dad in the Brady Bunch? Send me your address and I will impregnate your mail hole with a fistfull of Chocolate-tipped hip sacks. And perhaps we can talk somebody in the Art Dump about designing a Time Lawyers poster. •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• Henry Sanchez offers his .02 on what Chocolate Hip Sacks are really for... •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• ENTRY #11, 12:04pm 8/30/06 Some words in a news headline just make you want to read on... •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• Did I ever mention that my dad used to manage the 1970's band Bread? •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• THIS VS THAT Double-fisted bird to beatdown... or Single-handed Cube fondler •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• I know you're all on pins and possibly needles regarding the winner of the Pitch-a-Fart contest. We got a lot of bad ones to sift through. Results tomorrow. •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• ENTRY #10, 3:22pm 8/24/06 The difference between a hip sack and a hip pack is the use. If you're near home on a short jaunt it's a hip SACK. If you're traveling great distances, staying overnight, wearing sun screen, reading maps, and that sort of thing, the marsupial extension of your personality is a hip PACK. •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• People: 24 hours left on the Pitch-a-Fart Contest. Besides Crailtap infamy, you and your cousins will be rocking matching Chocalate hip sacks. However, you've gotta pitch to win. Grant Cook is not gonna win. Here's his pitch for an after-school-special: "RuralTap" A sad look into the lives of Iowans who read Crailtap on a daily basis and the drama that ensues when there are no updates. •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• ENTRY #9, 3:59pm 8/22/06 Pitches-for-Packs contest is coming to a full boil. The inbox overfloweth. However, most of the ideas are borderline terrible.   Here's one of the standouts: Johnathan Thompson: "Old People Drag Racing" We find ourselves immersed in the gritty power-chair street racing culture.   And so it goes. •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• ENTRY #8, 11:47am 8/21/06 SKATE FART goes mobile this week. Mini midwest tour for the next 10 days. Primed for mild adventure. Advance warning: Expect the next few posts to suck. More than usual, that is. •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• A digital photo, taken during a video chat, sent via email, to be posted on a website, of a moment that happened 4 days ago: Silky Wilkins, editor of The Skateboard Magª, with a banana-handed thumb-sup. •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• Here's one for the Badass mob, in the event that some Dumbass forgot the tools. •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• Final 5 days of the Pitch a Hollywood Fart Contest. Keep your eyes on the prize and pitch it here. The weekend's best pitch is from Abe Vanransom, who cooked up a doozy; Title: Ghost Posterers. Tales of a top notch street team as they paste up wild postings for the lastest films, sneakers, and hip-hop drops. Packed with after-midnight action on the urine-soaked boulevards of the big city. Abe, I can see this having a chance, especially if you were to work in combat dancing and make it a gritty musical. •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• I have been lobbying Rickk to make a 4Star Skate Cape for years. He never returns my emails. Who out there would rock a cape as an accessory? Any takers? •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• ENTRY #7, 10:22am 8/18/06 I used to think Jenkins's office was the very definition of clutter. You can barely sit down in there any more. Then again, I shouldn't judge. This afternoon I looked in my filing cabinet and found a folder containing, WTF, faded parking hang tags that expired in 1993. These were from the days I used to work in a corporate office, on a magazine with Jenkins. His office was tidy back then. There's a band from the UK called the Sneaker Pimps. They did that one song that got played on the radio a lot. Little known fact: they are named after Girl sales superstar, Shea Johnson. I crap you negative. Shea was dubbed the "Sneaker Pimp" by Mike D. from the Beastie Boys, who observed and summarized Shea's role as an assistant at that same magazine Jenkins and I worked at. Johnson's job was to call shoe companies to secure an endless supply of free footwear for the editorial staff. Mike D. referenced this human resource phenomenon in an interview, and an unnamed band from the UK read that interview, and that's what they decided to name themselves. Now you know. By the way, that mag's publishing company was so cheap-assed that they wouldn't buy Shea any parking passes for the garage. I suppose the point of all this is you probably came to the Tap looking for rad video clips and blazing sequences of skaters in action, and yet here you are checking out 13 year old expired parking passes. So your mind is now cluttered. Probably worse than Jenkins's office. An esoteric tale fraught with trivia and irony. •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• Dave England, leaving Portland forever today. See how he's crying? Not really. He's acting. That's what actors do. •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• The leading Pitch in the Win-a-Hipsack-Full-O-Hipsacks Contest is from Joel Forsyth. Joel is possibly a Kiwi, and he's spewing pitches for new TV programming like an uncapped oil well. Here is but a taste: Manouche Gypsy: Real life French gypsies and their wine drinking jazz guitaring supremacy. Half Completed Russian Super Factories: Exploring the use of gigantic structures never completed. Sea Bird Tales: Angry gulls squarking without reason, until they're translated. Psychic Animals (and their comforting ways): Episode one, your cute dog puts its paw on your knee. I would Tivo this whole programming block. You people have 7 days left to pitch your best Hollywood project, in exchange for a, well, read the intro. Send here. •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• ENTRY #6, 2:00pm 8/17/06 By the by, yesterday I totally screwed up in the PITCH FART contest by falsely claiming you’d win “a Chocolate fanny pack full of fanny packs.” What we’re talking about here as the grand prize is a Chocolate hip pack, full of hip packs. Not a fanny pack. Totally different product. Hip packs are hip, fanny packs are, uh, something else. Send your pitch here. •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• Here’s a sample entry that will probably not win, but hey, keep it raw and thanks for playing. From: Montague Baldwin The pitch: Hamburger Focus Group. A reality TV series where every episode takes place during a market research study on meat-eating males 18-34. Henry Sanchez pitched a Caine-and-Abel style Biblical idea about the Brothers Carroll; The payoff was Mike's ear-mole taking over the world. Hey Henry: Uh, no. Sony has a similar project already in development. •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• Attention font nerds, people really into the Jackass logo, and Geoff McFetridge: •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• ANAGRAMMIT, DAMMIT Here’s another whimsical anagram safari. They say these are poetically autobiographical in a horoscope sort of way. This time we search for phrases you can make using 'Daily + Randoms.' Meza, are you feeling any of these? A RAD SANDY LIMO A SLY ROAD MIND A RIMS-ONLY DAD A LADY IN DORMS A DISMAL DRY NO A SAD IDYL MORN There were too many others to print. Some homoerotic. •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• Snakes on a Plane is so 5 minutes ago. The next level shit: Dogs on a Helicopter. •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• ENTRY #5, 12:59pm 8/16/06 Gus Van Sant execu-produced Kids, and is backside Smithing his way into skating again with his latest project, Paranoid Park. This time he's directing, and as a matter of fact, get your ass to the post office and mail him a demo tape (pdf). If you wonder what to include in your demo, take a tip from my man here. (Word to fecal face. Don't sleep on their weekend updates). •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• On that note, what's YOUR elevator pitch for a Hollywood project? Doesn't have to be about skateboarding, but keep it short. A title, and a single sentence summary, sucka. Send it here. Best pitch to arrive by next Friday wins a totally snacktacular prize: A Chocolate fanny pack FULL of fanny packs (pending approval from Ringer), so you can properly represent with your entire posse. •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• Some Bic-flicking fool with surplus fireworks set the I-5 ablaze yesterday. Rickk? •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• Mildly interesting research: the following phrases were spit out by the internet anagram generator after entering Skate + Fairy: A RISKY FATE A STREAKY IF A FIERY TASK FAIR YET SKA SAY IT FREAK YIKES A FART •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• ENTRY #4, 12:52pm 8/15/06 Fairy: I left you a pair of tickets at willcall. Hop aboard buddy. Everyone else: What started as a harmless(-ish) prank has expanded like a gas cloud. Looks like the landlord has officially sanctioned this slot to join the digital fun in the ever-evolving universe of rainbowy goodness that is Crailtap. •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• Because of the abrupt nature of the second coming of SF, I ain’t got shit to share today. How about an X Games pony tail? The sports agents are coming here. •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• "Hmm, let's see. Where can I get a Lucite-encased starfish, one Velcro wrist band, a rainbow dragon sculpture, some light-duty nylon rope, and a backup copy of Police Academy 2 on VHS?" Oh yeah. The bargain bin table at the Truckstop of America on I-5 in Bakersfield. •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• Knox rocks the Chucks. •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• ENTRY #3, 9:52am 8/10/06 THIS vs THAT Volvo tow-in on blades to epic dub-set, bro. Jersey jump-off. We live in a weird world. •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• "An alternative to fanny packs..." is a bold claim, but I think they back it up nicely. •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• Quick and dirty wide angle for the up-close footy. •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• Spike: I found an old photo of you hanging around a BMX track wearing no pants. You cool if I post? •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• Tonight in a Portland Oregon backyard, Dave England will consume intoxicants at a party honoring the England clan relo-ing to LA. We're gonna miss you guys. Besides spending his Jackass Number Two paycheck on a fresh new crib, this is what Dave's been up to lately. •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• Vintage Earl, fishing for socks in his dresser. Dirt offices, 5900 Wilshire Blvd., 24th floor. 1993. •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• ENTRY #2, 12:48pm 8/9/06 Hmm, can't think of a single person who would/could benefit from these. •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• GLISTENING GAV Bumped into the Gav holding it down near the bar at the Stuff mag party, his face a glistening sheen of sweat. He immediately slurred "Do you need a ride?" (a question he continually asked to various bystanders, apparently confusing their condition for his) As I popped a shot of his moist forehead, Gav shouted "This is GREAT CARDIO!" at no one in particular, then plowed into the crowded dance area with his drink held high. Ringer, you care to comment? •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• JEFF OR ED? Car cam captures slumbering shoddily-shaven slob. Test your facial recognition trivia: Is it Templeton or Tremaine? •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• I clicked the best photo ever of Pastrana's double back flip. •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• ENTRY #1, 4:00pm 8/7/06 Attention: The following unattended column is being hijacked by Superlewman, inc. It has also been renamed and re-logoed. Welcome to SKATE FART. •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• BACK TO CURRENT FART