Finally the name of this column makes sense but only for today.
Congratulations to Girl Customer Service princess, Amber, who is now sporting an engagement ring on her finger!
Would you think your boss was a dick if she told you to go look at the logo on the Sparklett's bottle so you could change the empty bottle? Not if she bought you a brand new coffee mug the day before!
The big softball game is on Sunday. The Gav is coordinating a pre-game brunch which Rickk has declined to attend but Koston is going to attend. Eric, The Gav could be doing this all in the name of a victory for Howard's Heroes. Think with your head and not your Lacoste vest. Mimosa's and softball don't mix.
This week young Emmet Jenkins and I will make our yearly trek to the happiest place on earth. Our goal this year will be to avoid Em falling asleep in the back seat on the ride home with a lollipop in his mouth. We used a wet wipe and got the lollipop off his cheek but I guess the Jenkins are high brow and thought it was sort of low class of me. They'd be super bummed if they saw what we have for dinner when we go. Churro's and french fries!
Shcnurr, come for the weigh in and get ready to look into other options.
Today's a big day for pot heads, right? I use to be one until Spike gave me this "if you're smoking alone, it's a problem" speech. He really reached me with that one, really sparked a turning point in my life. When you add that in with the deal he negotiated for me at X-Large when Girl first started you can really see how I owe my life to him. Thanks, pal.
Larson is doing the Randoms today.
Guess who's doing the Randoms?
Ever make a bet with someone about how much weight they can lose in 90 days only to have them try and bow out with the ol' heel bruise excuse? Schnurr, don't try the heel bruise thing with me. As if I haven't heard Rickk and Koston wine about heel bruises enough. "Oh, I can't go to Europe, I have a heel bruise" or "Oh, I can't go on the US tour, I have a heel bruise." Wait, now that I re-capped the whining, I think it was Rickk and Mike. Sorry Eric, I think I confused you whining about something else with the heel bruise whining.
130,000 pounds, Rickk. That's beyond even your wildest dreams.
Yesterday in our weekly sales meeting one of our sales people said that a shop told him that all of our t-shirts "are really gay." All of them? Really?
And then today one of our distributors said the kids in his country "don't know who Mike Carroll is." Now maybe all of our t-shirts are gay but come on, no one on God's green earth doesn't know who Mike Carroll is, that's just a bold face lie.
Gav, remember when we were drinking wine that one night and you made that joke about wanting one of my paintings? Bad news, It's almost done. It will look awesome in your family room.
Larson used the word "diatribe" in an email today. Sell out.
Speaking of selling out, how much for two board companies, a truck company and a clothing line? I can deliver them tomorrow.
Might as well post some links for Ben Colen that he'll actually use, Meza.
The Gav was bragging about DVS the other night and said that Dano from the original Temptation Island was the new team manager for their motocross team. I'm not sure who gets the credit for being the master chef over in the Podium kitchen but nice hire.
Every time Rudy comes in my office to talk to me, be it to tell me that he would like a raise or that he's kicking Koston off, he closes the door and sits down and doesn't start talking until he's completely seated. I always think he crashed the company van or something and then it's never really that bad.
Larson's going back to Lardog just for the weekend. He has to play in a softball game with guys that have nicknames like River, Tough Guy, The Desert Twins and Megan's Bitch so you can't really expect him to be The Light Whisperer. Next weekend he's the Light Whisperer.
I just looked at The Tap and realized why no one gets it.
The Mez didn't put that Mettee quote in his column today because he thought it was funny. He did it the way a mean girl would do when she coyly repeats something in an innocent tone that she knows will cause conflict. The white hip hoppers that The Mez hangs around will now turn on Mettee which was The Mez' goal.
Aaron, that's Level One games you're playing up on Level Two. Dirty.
Jenkins made a flyer for the company softball game and it had a typo on it. I buzzed his office to tell him and he said, "Ah, I took the information right out of your email." I guess he is fact checking now. What a loser.
Gold's Gym Update! So there's this tall tan volleyball player looking guy that the girls I take yoga with think is hot. He's not really that hot and he wears a lot of those "hilarious" t-shirts from Urban Outfitters. Last night I was getting in my car and he was getting in his car and guess what kind of car he drives? That's right, a Mustang! It's a new one like Ako's but it's black like The Mez'. But here's the kicker, he's got a vanity plate that simply reads
BNCHN. That would mean "benching," right? Like bench pressing? Awesome.
The black juice that was leaking out of the refrigerator here was from lettuce that went bad. River Joe figured it out. I can't believe how much he rules. I'm naming my first two children HAVASU and SEADOO in his honor.
I don't need to post today. Sometimes The Random's are so good we can all just ride on that.
Sometimes we have to change people's names around here. Larson is now known as The Light Whisperer. A little more New Age then "Lardog" but you'll get used to it. I'm sure Bright Sebastion or Belle Eyes or whatever band The Mez and EA formed can easily write a song about him now.
Sometimes I regret that I didn't ever go to college and live in a dorm but maybe if my mom hadn't pushed me through high school in 3 years and tried to make a super child I would have been able to mature properly and pull it off. That's another conversation for another couch. My point was that the consistent trash on the lunch table here at Girl and the fridge packed with food that no one will ever eat because it has mold on it is probably God's way of helping me have a college dorm experience. I guess when God wanted to help me have that experience he took it a little further and put me in a frat house but I'm not one to complain. I just enjoy the inconsiderate people he housed me with.
Thank you, God.
Rickk feels Koston is doing a poor job as a coach. Eric?
And in other softball news, Bird has made his confidence official. Yesterday he emailed me, "Get ready to hoist the trophy." For years I tried to defend these guys honor and say they weren't jocks. They're jocks.
Bob K told me that people are driving snow mobiles in downtown Vancouver and the mayor is thinking about making a special lane for them. He also included a photo of a snow mobile that sort of looked like a jet ski and it was all black. I think Bob thought they were annoying. He should try and live at the beach with the self entitled 10 speeders.
I saw Susan from The Bachelor again last night at the gym. I think she thinks she's still in the midst of a reality tv show. Or maybe that was me. One of us does.
You know what I realized yesterday? When most of the guys around here were single and I would hear about them "hooking up" with girls on the road, the biggest sin you could commit was hooking up with a girl that had skate shoes on. She could be 320 pounds with buck teeth and it was fine but god forbid she had the Howard 2's on.
Did you know that Adidas is supplying the uniforms to the NBA for the next four years? You do now.
Mikey just bummed me out by doing that gesture that I think refers to tickling something. Dork.
The Mez thinks it's weak to say "mani and pedi" or "amex" but when he's referring to the lovely country of Mexico, he thinks it's fine to just say "mex." These little complexities are what make him The Mez.
Callaway has been the measure of good behavior by my standards so you can imagine how thrilled I was to hear he was front and center at the Hustler casino on Thursday night. His fiance is in The Netherlands where I don't think they have the internet so she'll never see this and know.
Actually, Mikey would know if they have the internet because I think he has some sort of signal on his computer that indicates which country specializes in which kinky.
I'm hiring an assistant, which should be today's episode of OOPS THERE GOES MY STREET CRED.
Not in my wildest dreams did I think a Gold's Gym Update would cross over with a Bachelor update but the time has come. Susan, the financial coordinator from Kansas that was part of the final three girls left this last season, has joined my gym. I already know she's crazy because she sobbed like a baby after being dumped by a guy she knew for 2 weeks. On a TV show.
It was cool to find out that in Kansas it is traditional to work out with 6 pounds of make up on.
As you can expect, I'll keep you posted.
Were there enough typos for you on the site yesterday? TRICKK GOES BACK TO SCHOOL got cancelled and so did RICKK GOES BACK TO SCHOOL.
The Gav and Rickk bet on the UCLA/Florida game last night. Rickk said Tim never pays when he loses a bet so I guess it's a good thing he won.
Yesterday Sam and I were having a meeting and first I drooled but I wasn't sure if he saw it but then he laughed and a piece of snot came out his nose. I still wasn't sure if he saw the drool so I just kept talking while he got the snot off his shirt. Those things are usually part of a Rickk/Mikey meeting.
I realized last night, with a little help, that Mrs The Mez is actually funnier then The Mez. No tears Aaron, she's pretty funny, which still makes you kind of funny.
RICKK GOES BACK TO SCHOOL is done. He couldn't have been less interested in those Canada facts. I felt like I walked into The Mez' office with a platter of peanut butter cups and got ignored.
Maybe if I find some poker facts he'll want to learn. One can only hope...
While everyone was at the casino and the race track this weekend, Mrs The Mez took the time to watch a special called "Logging on and Losing Big" about on line poker.
I reassured her that our losers I mean friends aren't playing on line.
Did you know that Bird, Mikey, Frosty, Hime, Sprout and I all have the same hair stylist? It's true. Rickk goes to Supercuts, that's why he always looks so hot.
And Ty's his own stylist.
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NOW WHO'S A BITCH?