ENTRY #856

This is the last we'll talk about my cold, only because it's almost gone. Since I've been wiping my nose for ten days straight, it's all raw and dry and crusty. I was trying to put moisturizer on it so it wouldn't look like dried snot but it still looks pretty bad.
On the way to work, I kept looking in the rear view mirror and I thought The Mez is the only person that would really say something to my face and for sure there's one or two girls that will say it behind my back. I guess I can just long for Monday when the dry skin has flaked off.

I'm going on a crusade for our company to not advertise anymore. I realize I need to get a few people on board to make this happen. I think the four key people would be The Mez, Smyth, Jenkins and Larson. The Mez is easy, I can get him on board with some Jelly Belly's and a bag of chips and a promise that we wouldn't pull any ads from magazines that Ben Colen or Mike Burnett work for. Smyth is a tougher sell but I'm thinking a car allowance will get him and Larson, well, I just need to find a stripper named Cinnamon to marry him and he's on board. Jenkins is pretty easy too, you just tell him that so and so from such and such magazine said our graphics suck. Jenkins is not a big fact checker so he's a shoe in. I'll keep you posted or just keep your eye out for invisible ads.

Golds Gym Update. Well, I returned last night to my real friends and $960 cash that I won in the NCAA pool. The growing trend at the gym seems to be to act like a complete whore. All the girls wear t-shirts with "dirty" sayings on them. The two I saw last night were a sleeveless light pink t-shirt, huge fake boobs inside of it, that said EAT AT THE Y with the bottom part of the Y forming an arrow that pointed at what seem to be her crotch.
The other one was a rip off of the Endless Summer poster, same colors but a naked girl where the guy carrying the surfboard should be and it said ENDLESS HUMMER. That's one thing I do love about the South Bay, you truly are born classsy.
I also found out from my two new stripper friends in yoga (yes, strippers like yoga) that they make more money at Spearmint Rhino when there's a Laker game downtown. Weird, who do I know that used to leave the games at half time to go....

This is a new added feature called RICKK GOES BACK TO SCHOOL. No one lights up more when you tell them a fact about Canada then Rickk. And since his education was cut short by "the war," we're going to let you in on some Canadian facts that will thrill Rickk, confuse Mikey and give Spike something to talk about at the Toronto Film Festival.

Fact Day 1: The Canadian coastline in total is 202,080 kilometers.
The capitol of Canada is Ottawa.
The Canadian government is what is known as a constitutional monarchy that is also a parlimentary democracy and a federation.

Oh, and Rickk cried during American Inventor last night.

ENTRY #855

I have had a cold for about a week and it's cost me almost $100. Zicam, kleenex, tea, Airborne. And Rickk and Mez, if you're not sympathizing with me, that's two buy in's at Hustler.

My one sister who doesn't read this column anymore because "there's so much weird stuff on there and I thought Gavin didn't work there" asked me yesterday if all skateboard pro's just start a company when they're done skating. I love her.

Rickk said he wanted Jenkins on his team for the softball game because "he could come up with a cool logo for the team". Not for your hand eye coordination or strength, Jenkins, for your art. How quickly Rickk forgets which artist hit a home run last game, over the fence, while his young son watched from the stands.

ENTRY #854

The preliminary teams have been picked for the Girl softball game. The first two people picked were Tough Guy Rich and River Joe. Might be a Pedro thing because Emmet and Papa Jenkins were not far behind in being chosen.
The girls around here will feel like they are part of a forward thinking company when they find out that no girls were picked until every single guy was picked. Nice.
EA and his girlfriend are so emo that they insisted on being on the same team. How dark and cute.
Bird, relax, you're on Rickk's team.

I've been going to lunch with the boys lately. Too bad they're all not single, the ladies would be all over them. I mean who can resist non stop talk of poker and skating? That's right, no one!

Bird and The Gav are in Mammoth for the next few days which means from about Friday until Sunday both of them will be telling everyone they talk to how "that was it, I'm done drinking". I love that speech. So insincere.

Mikey sent me an email this morning that started out, "you'll be proud of me." Funny thing is, I've been proud of him since he got skater of the year. Haven't we all?

ENTRY #853

Since yesterday's column was posted late, I won't overwhelm you with another one until tomorrow.

ENTRY #852

Forget my count down. My fault for relying on Rickk and Frosty for my information.

Turns out no one here at Girl or affiliated with Girl has a gambling problem. Turns out it's me! I'm discriminating against the gamblers which makes me sort of like a racist only a little worse if you ask Rickk.

In other discoveries, it just might be that The Mez and I have a bond that runs deeper then what Smyth and I share. I got a text yesterday form him that said, "Liz from The Cut is sitting right next to me." Smyth doesn't even tell me when he sees super famous people, The Mez doesn't even wait until he gets home.

We went and checked out the park for the big softball game on April 23 and Gil, the park manager said, "I love that people still get a group of friends together to play a little ball." Let's see what his new name for our group of friends is on the 24th of April.

ENTRY #851

8 more days.

The softball game in April is not going to be Girl vs. Podium, it's going to be Girl vs. Girl. I'm not sure why but for the sake of gossip, we'll say they got scared.
Rickk is going to be captain of one team and Frosty captain of the other. We'll keep a tally of two things, how many times both of them scream "bullshit" at a call not in their favor and how many times both of them try and change the rules. I love when Rickk tries to recall "Canadian rules," one of my favorite tactics.

We got an email from someone asking if our open house is open to the public. Not really. I mean, we don't really check your credentials so you could just make up the name of a skate shop (work the word "shred" in to anything and we'll buy it) and tell us you're the owner. The chances of getting caught are pretty slim, we're not running that tight of a ship.
I mean last year, Reda showed up with about 12 people and acted like he was at a house party and then proceeded to draw on all of our scheduling and project dry erase boards. You can't be more irritating then that.

Supra Pete met Bill Clinton. He wins.

ENTRY #850

It took me an hour and a half to get back from Culver City today and with all that time to think I still didn't come up with a post.
I was depending on The Mez, not knowing he was just going to fall back on some photos.

ENTRY #849

10 more days, only 240 hours.

Would you be bummed if you came to the Girl open house and Mikey's girlfriend was doing a trapeze act in the skatepark? Wait, what if it was totally professionally lit with deep blue and purple lights and she was actually really good on the trapeze? Our open house is in July, see you there.

Smyth had carrot/apple juice with his lunch today which was carne asada. Is it just me or is that worse then white wine with prime rib? And Mez, I'm not highjacking "What did the Gav have" this is called "What did Smyth have." Totally different.

Today we went to a meeting and were held up leaving for it because The Mez was crapping and then held up getting it started once we got there because Rickk was crapping. And lately I've noticed they both wear brown cords everyday. Is that gross?

ENTRY #848

Now there's only 11 days. This is exciting.

Yesterday, in an effort to set women back a decade or so, I asked Tough Guy Rich if he felt like a refreshing glass of water so that he would put a new water bottle on the water dispenser as the old one was empty and I was thirsty. I had to weigh out lifting something heavy against working towards equality. I went with convenience.

In 1958 Kellog's chose the Tony the Tiger character as their mascot for Frosted Flakes. The tiger beat out Katy the Kangaroo. No point here, sorry.

Mez, the same way you can't pull off getting drunk and wearing a colorful scarf for the night, you can't pull off a small dog named Hyphy with his own profile on myspace. It's OK, other then Mikey, Paris Hilton, Richard Simmons and Mariah Carey, none of us can truly make that work.

Rickk's hosting poker this week. Gav, let's keep the sour cream in the kitchen.

Spike landed a 360 flip last Friday. How do I know? He told me at dinner. I guess I had that "I wonder what skate tricks he can do" glimmer in my eye again.

ENTRY #847

Mez, Rickk took the camera and said he was handling that photo you need. I'm thinking unless the Hustler casino closes down, we need to get the camera back and assign the job to a new photographer.

Today's the first day of spring. FYI.

Thoughts go out to our friends in Australia who were effected by the cyclone that came through this weekend. Weird how they managed to evacuate the place before the cyclone got there, huh America?

Spike has some new magic he's using on the ladies. He takes them to a news stand and shows them ads from "his companies." They think it's his cologne they smell but it's really pure desperation.

Girl is going to play Podium in a softball match next month. The Dunlaps might know how to market the crap out of things but they have met their match when it comes to competition. Be it a golf match or thumb wrestling, Rickk and Frosty fight until the death. Let's not forget when they were on opposite teams that one year and Rickk smashed his face on the fence to make sure Eric didn't get a home run.

Guess what happens in 12 days?

ENTRY #846

Happy St. Patrick's Day. Our receptionist, her name is Lu so I don't have to call her "our receptionist" anymore, checked as everyone came in to the plant today to see who had green on. I think everyone was looking pretty good on the spirit side of things. I like that I didn't have to tell her that was part of her job. That makes up for that "Totally Nutz" tattoo she got when she was "super young and drunk."

The guy that lived at my house before me had a subscription to STUFF magazine. Yesterday the new issue came and there was a picture of some sexy asian girl that is the most popular girl on MySpace or something like that who is now launching a music career. She was looking over her shoulder wearing just bikini bottoms, covering her boobs with her hands and the caption said, "Crouching tiger, hidden yum yums." I knew Larson was doing freelance but I thought it was design, not captions.

No post yesterday and a crappy one today. Lame for you.

ENTRY #845

I don't want to correct anyone, but we didn't have a discussion about if we should bring Mike Carroll or Mike Mo to a meeting. Rickk suggested bringing Mike Mo and we realized we were already bringing Mike Carroll.

Smyth isn't eating sensibly, in case any of you thought he was getting soft.

Bird has been in an exceptionally good mood. I would use the word "eerie."

What would you want to read if you were in prison? Think about it because we're about to make some dreams come true.

That would be cool if this could all just be one sentence thoughts that I type.

Yesterday in the Art Dump meeting Larson told us the new Pink song is "rad" and that "I fucking like her now." So that's EA backing Kelly Clarkson and Larson down with Pink. We're so now. So now.

Vote for the grey haired guy that sings like Joe Cocker if you watch American Idol tonight.

Sorry about all of this.

ENTRY #844

This isn't really a Gold's Gym Update but I did realize that some of the guys that look to be "juicing" seem to drive the screwed cars. One guy in particular, he's huge, drives a Scirocco with the bumper wired on. I can't help but think a little less money spent on muscle powder might get a paint job on that thing. Or properly secured parts.
I mean, if you're getting chicks because you're totally cut, aren't they scared when see a Scirocco with a loose bumper?

The Mez called in sick today but I think he meant it in the good way. He's driving the Stang, his hair is feathered and he got one of the sweetest tans when he was down under. Come on, don't hate on him, he is pretty sick.

There's a stuffed goat at FAO Swchartz in New York that's $1200 that I want. That's all.

I just realized that making dinner plans with The Gav is exactly like making them with Spike's dad. He sends a confirmation email with the exact date, time and name of the restaurant and now he also includes a link to the restaurant.
If things stay on track, The Gav will end up partying with his kids buddies. The future is bright.

ENTRY #843

So the trips to Hustler casino are going very well. Rickk, Gav, Rudy and Schnurr all lost on Friday night. But keep in mind, they were all "totally up at one point." This will end well, I can feel it.

Time and time again, I am convinced that Sam and I have a bond that The Mez and I can never even know about. Sam texted me from the airport when they got back from Australia yesterday morning, The Mez waited until this morning to email me that The Bachelor and the chick he chose broke up. Too little too late, Mez.

If you fly back from New York and there's head winds, the plane has to stop in Salt Lake City to re-fuel. And if there's a crabby old fat lady that isn't in a hurry to get home, she can smell something funny and then the entire plane full of people have to sit on the runway while a technician checks for malfunctions. I did the proper thing and when we did finally land, I pretended I was deaf when she asked me to grab her bag at the baggage claim.

What would you say if I told you myspace Monday's might be coming back?

Tune in tomorrow when Smyth tells us in 100 words or less, "where Girl is headed."

ENTRY #842

Mikey just came by with Hyphy and he asked me if Rickk was here and I told him he was. So he waited in his office, reading a magazine all sad because The Mez and Smyth aren't here either. Turns out Rickk is at the casino down the street with Gav and Frosty. Now I feel bad but I have to type my column so I can't go tell him that Rickk is at the casino. Good to see those Bakersfield and Arizona roots aren't ever forgotten when Rickk suggests Hustler casino for lunch.
(Mez, just in case you were wondering what Hyphy had on, an AC/DC t-shirt. See you Wednesday).

Larson and Jenkins are taking Thursday and Friday off of next week to be together in Mexico. What? That's not gay.

Speaking of Larson and Jenkins, both of them emailed me a joke after I posted EA's joke. Larson actually emailed me three but one of them was one that he wrote and it's so hilarious, I have to make sure he trademarks it before I post it.
The one Jenkins sent had a typo in the punch line.
What? That's not gay.

Paul Nett said that North County is becoming Orange County. Weird, all it took was Buscemi moving there in his Seven jeans and lavender polo and the place is ruined.

Party at Spike's three weeks form this Friday.

ENTRY #841

Do you ever read this column and wonder if there are other funny people working with me? There are. Check it out:

Hey Ringer,
Here's an old joke that came to mind after reading your column yesterday, I love this one.

Why Did the Mushroom go the the party? Because he was a Fungi.

Why did he leave? There wasn't mush-room.

I love that one, two parter.

Yep, you're welcome. —EA

ENTRY #840

You know what cheers an elephant up when they're sick? A Get Wellephant card.

ENTRY #839

Good news if you own a home or want to buy one! My brother in law told me earlier today, "everything will be worth about half of what it is now, it won't be a good time to buy or sell." He also told me that he thinks the USA right now is like "Nazi Germany right before World War II." I asked him if he thought I should keep the Girl building as an investment so I would have something to jump off of and he thought that was a great idea.

Other then that, I'm super busy so good luck.

ENTRY #838

Who are you Bobby LaBounty? Here were our Idea Engineer, Mark Lewman's guesses:

The license plate slogan is pretty good, but the winner's name is the real gold. Who the hell is Bobby LaBounty?

• Here are my guesses:

• Ace Frehley's replacement in KISS (kicked out of the band when they discovered he's a Mormon).

• A cowboy porn star

• A wild LA hairdresser who wears a bunny suit when he cuts

• Actor on 1980s sitcom about a robot

• A breeder of high potency marijuana

• Heir to the Labounty Canoe Company fortune

• Professional dog walker

• Host of a popular picnic-oriented TV show on the Food Network

• In the Guinness Record Book as the world's most tan albino

• "Golden Tee" video golf tournament pro

• It's not even a real kid's name, it's an 11-piece emo band from Montreal

ENTRY #837

Not so fast, Hime. We got a real winner for AKO NEEDS A LICENSE PLATE FRAME! Bobby LaBounty gets the $100 and his picture on The Tap. Send us your picture, Bobby, we'll send you the cash.