Too bad Dude Looks Like A Dude got cancelled. This is not The Mez but
that is feathered hair.
wasn't here because he had to go to an appointment to get a picture
taken of the inside of his stomach. Watch for it on his Christmas card
I think Ben Colen
got an invisible ring, we haven't seen him here in more then two weeks.
All it took was
a little story of "grab ass" and Carnalag and My Little Dumpling
want to join Golds Gym. In honor of new members, here's another Golds
Gym Update. Last night Superman and this other trainer with dreads that
are dyed sort of orange told this other trainer to stop going after
their clients or they would "take matters into his own hands".
So the Thief Trainer said, "you can't steal clients, they make
up their own minds" and Dread Locks said "well with you in
their ear talking shit". I'm not sure what happened after that,
I had to go to a machine on the other side of the gym.
We're in the process
of operating on a new software program, Spike!
Nothing sad to start off today. Unless you care about Smyth and his
childhood at all. When he was a kid, he was always drinking apple juice
and the sugar in the juice rotted his teeth. He had to have so much
work done on the teeth that they had to knock him out to fix his teeth.
On the up side, you should see his teeth now. He could easily be a mouth
How come when I wanted
a Corvette everyone told me how lame I was but then The Mez and Ako
can drive Mustangs? Don't get me wrong, I like Mustangs, especially
the new ones but are they less jock then a Corvette?
I don't think they are. And The Mez has feathered hair and a tan. Whatever.
Golds Gym Update!
And it's a good one! Superman has a girlfriend now. Or at least she
thinks she's his girlfriend because when I was leaving last night he
grabbed the ass of a girl that is not the girl that thinks she's his
girlfriend. I love ass grabbers, so classy.
But the girl who thinks she's the girlfriend had a t-shirt on that said
"PROCTOLOGY IS THE SHIT". That's not that funny but couple
that with some sweats that say JUICY on the ass and I like your style.
Superman also only wears t-shirts with the sleeves cut out. Slut.
My brother in law
has predicted a depression worse then the one during the 30's in late
April of this year. Mark your datebooks.
Yesterday a messenger service was dropping something off to my sister's
house and the messenger slipped and fell in the pool. I laughed when
she told me then she told me the guy was about 55 years old and it was
pouring rain and he wouldn't take a towel from her. Then I felt really
horrible for laughing. I guess that's how this column will work this
year, really sad news to start out with then lame inside jokes that
three people get for the rest of the material.
I guess I didn't have
to ask The Mez what The Jefferson brothers were up to for yesterday's
post because he told you anyway. I can't believe how hard The Mez was
hating on Ako for getting a new Mustang. Aaron, yours is vintage, it's
no competition. And you can always smoke if you want to.
Speaking of smoking,
I think The Gav gets back from Hawaii today.
Here's a joke Ben
Colen should have told us: There was this wizard that worked in a factory.
Everything was cool except for the fact that he was such a nice wizard,
people were always taking advantage of him. Everyday someone would take
his parking space. He finally put up a sign that said, "Wizard
parking only, all other will be toad".
Pick up the pace, Ben. There's no reason I should hear that joke from
our DHL rep.
Larson is finishing
up the catalog and Rickk has placed a chair right next to him that he
has sat in for the last three days. I wonder if when Tony goes home
at night he tells his friends if Rickk is a "total prick"
or a "Canadian prick". On the bright side, Rickk, Tony really
only goes home to his cat, so....
We're the only company in the world open today. We went to two different
restaurants to try and eat and they were even closed. It's only a national
holiday when you're done with year end inventory. Everyone knows that.
Last night I was watching
some reality show on VH1 and Chastity Bono was one of the "celebrities"
on the show. She got her body fat checked and she had 40% body fat!
Gav, if you want a self esteem booster, this is it.
But the thing that was sad was after they checked her fat she said,
"yeah, I got my dad's body". That made me sad. Sorry, I didn't
start this paragraph thinking it was going to end sad.
No resolutions set
in stone but look for Smyth at the gym more, Meza recording a song and
Rickk partying a little less. (A little less for him, not regular people).
I just found out today
that Robin and Maurice in the Bee Gee's were twins. I always thought
they were all just brothers. And then I found out that Jose Canseco
has a twin. All sorts of twin news.
I was going to buzz into Meza's office and find out what the Jefferson's
were up to so I could stay on the subject of twins but you'll be glad
to know that my resolution is knowing when to say when.
But in the event that I do find out what Ako and Atiba are up to, I'll
post it tomorrow.
The Daily Photo is not supported by The Ringer.
Happy New Year to everyone. Thanks to everyone here at Girl, especially
Rick, Mike and Spike. The best President, Vice President and Secretary
a company could ever hope for. Well maybe not the best but pretty damn
awesome if you have a column that you need material for everyday. Love
Yesterday Larson and I laughed at this picture of a stressed out hamster
for about 30 minutes. Jenkins is in Wyoming and we're on catalog deadline.
Hey Jenks, in case you were wondering, we're not stressing out at all.
We had a full 30 minutes to look at a picture of a hamster. And that
wasn't even on our lunch break.
Smyth and Rickk just showed me their new invention. Um, no Billabong,
we're not for sale. Yet.
Don't you hate when you take your dog to the groomer and you tell them
1/4 inch and they do 1/8 inch? Should be called PetDumb.
In case any of you are looking for Bird, he's relaxing at home with
a book. And he almost just punched his lamp because it blew three light
bulbs in one day. He punched his phone last week when it wasn't working.
He's just a laid back guy.
And if you're looking for Spike, he's in Soho buying a gift for a certain
inventor who's name isn't Sam.
Who else might you be looking for?
I guess that's it, if you get an email and the subject is "THICK
EBONY" don't open it unless you want to see something really big.
Which is worse: Drawing on your eyebrows, smearing the lines and walking around all day with some weird art on your face or going to a spa to get a mud wrap, not rinsing off enough afterwards and walking around with mud in your ear all day? Facial Jamie!
River Joe and Tough Guy Rich have beaten Shea and Mueller 5 days in a row in doubles ping pong. It would be something to brag about but you have to say "doubles ping pong."
Had our company lunch today for the holidays and even though we served pasta, garlic bread and pizza, The Mez would not break out his carb joke. He's on his way to the airport right now, probably just used it on the cab driver.
Have a happy holiday, don't drink and drive, don't take any wooden nickels, buy low sell high, everything in moderation and stay awesome.
Wouldn't it be funny if I would have written about someone's smooth style? I think so.
Larson said that talking shit isn't bad unless the person finds out and you hurt their feelings. That's some total San Diego logic, for sure.
Yesterday I was cold so I put on some Lakai jacket from a few years ago. Bird acted like I had on suspenders and a beret when he saw me. First thing he said was, "what the fuck are you wearing?"
Bird, let me know the expiration date on the Lakai outer wear so I don't mess up again.
Remember when Bob K was working here and we tried to do that little thing called ASK MIKE/ASK SPIKE where we would send them both the same question and then post their answers to the question and it would just be hilarious to see the contrast?
Well, we're going to try that again. The first question has gone out to them. Spike is in NY and Mike is in LA. Not sure why that matters but maybe if the question is "What are you wearing" and Spike answers, "mink ear muffs and a floor length leather duster" you'll want to know that it's weather related and that he hasn't gotten super eclectic.
I'll keep you posted.
My sister called to tell me that she takes her son to the same pediatrician as Cindy Crawford and that the Christmas card she sent out this year is really lame.
Mez, I didn't get a chance to tell you this when you said it to me on Monday at the Christmas party but you know how that carb joke never gets old? Neither does the one about Burnett saying that we only hired you so we could have a designated driver. At least the carb joke was never a quote in your column.
Bird brought Turbo Tony to the holiday party last night. It was good to see both of them.
Mikey, Rickk's making you a special present for Christmas! Sorry you had to drop such a big hint on Saturday at Eric's about what you've always wanted. Hopefully it won't take to long to cure so you'll have it for the holidays.
Bird doesn't need therapy. He figured out what's wrong with himself on his own. That's pretty cool.
If you get a chance to call The Tap headquarters, ask to be put on hold so you can hear the holiday CD I made. It's terrific. Not according to anyone who hears it, but I like it.
Smyth told me over the weekend that he's a great drunk. Never gets sad or violent, just gets happier and a little sassy. He did get drunk enough to do the fake throwing up sound at which point I realized, he truly is a great drunk. Hats off to you, Sammy.
My new favorite quality in people is justifying bad behavior. Very sexy.
Sucks that we don't get to deal with Monica at Transworld anymore. Hopefully we can deal with that one dude that told people how much we owed Transworld a few years ago. He seems cool. And trustworthy. Not like that malicious Monica and her over bearing ways.
Monica, here's our offer to you: You come run Girl so when I try and tell people how fun it is to work with Rick, Mike and Spike, people will believe me. It's not fair for me to be the only one to explain to them every year why we don't serve alcohol at our Open House or why the skatepark takes up too much of the warehouse or why Per Diem means you don't put all the meals on the American Express card. Some other deserving person should feel the joy. Cool, you start Monday. Just don't park in the spot closest to the door, Larson backs into that spot every day as if he owns the place.
Paul Nett is no longer our favorite employee at DC. He's now our favorite employee at Adio! And I think we don't have a favorite DC employee now. Maybe Wei-in when he quits his yuppy 10 speed habit.
But really, at the end of the day, Paul works for us. (Unless you're reading this and your his boss at Adio, then he totally works for you).
River Joe is turning out to be a nightmare. I mean in a good way. He was so Havasu when we hired him and now he's all mellow and saying things like, "well, if my memory serves me correctly." It's bad. Even Tough Guy Rich said "he's way less river then he used to be."
Gav, when you leave me messages, no need to start with "it's about 5:42 on Thursday..." My cell phone, I guess, is pretty tech because it actually displays the time you called AND before I play the message it states the day and time of the call! Hopefully some day Podium will spring for the crazy tech phone that I have for it's employees and you can see how insane it is.
Today's post is mostly for The Mez because it is mostly about Gavin. We went to Blue Water Grill last night and Tim started out saying he was going to get a crab salad because he's on a diet. But he then decided that he shouldn't break tradition and went with the crab legs. He also ate about half of the fresh bread they brought us. And some mushrooms floating in butter. When they offered dessert, Gav said no and decided he would stick to his diet and have frozen yogurt for dessert.
Here's 5 other things that The Gav said last night that would have had The Mez giggling like a school girl:
1. "I can't wait to be home in bed watching TV."
2. "Well, when it's cold out, I like the house really cozy."
3. "I got this sweater in Amsterdam, I have sort of lame taste."
4. "I never really had natural talent like Guy and Eric."
5. "You know how nitrous makes you feel like you're going to pass out?"
Smyth is back today which is giving him two days to be closer to me then The Mez. I did hang a gift in The Mez' office to show him that I care about him a lot. It's the cover of a Skateboarder magazine that he sent here when he worked there. Funny how things cycle, right?
What about the bottom line? Get it?
Last night I wore my Chargers jersey to put the trash cans out and it turns out my perverted neighbor is a Chargers fan, too. I guess "we" have a big game this weekend. He then told me that he and his buddies are all going to watch at his house if I'm interested.
Still no word from The Mez about the situation and ruling of who's closer to me, he or Sam. Meza, pretending like this isn't happening does not make us closer. You need to open up and let me know the pain you are dealing with. And I never said that Sam and I were closer, I was just putting out the facts to look at.
Jenkins got a motorcycle and took the test to drive a motorcycle. He flunked. But then he took it again and passed. Weird that the DMV let's you do that, take the test until you pass. That must be why there are so many good drivers on the road.
I have to go, Mikey's out of town so I'm running this place all by myself.
Over the weekend, Rickk accidentally hit "send" on his phone and I heard the following on my voice mail:
"Is it really that big?"
"Which side of it has the bank thing?"
"Didn't you see that photo of P-Rod on it?"
"You'll be stoked, its really insane."
And then I think I heard the faint sniffles of The Mez who is struggling with the fact that Sam and I might be closer.
Some pretty deep stuff goes on in those long van rides, bummed I never learned to skate.
While we're on the Sam/The Mez controversy and who is it that is my truer more dear friend, I thought about the fact that Sam has never left Girl to go work for a magazine and then came back to work at Girl as if nothing ever happened. And if he did, would he really make me buy him dinner at an Indian restaurant to get him to come back?
Larson and Paul Nett, AKA My Favorite Bolts, got me a Chargers jersey! So, as of today, I'm a Chargers fan. And just because these two are so special, Go Padres. AND, go Gao Gao and Hua Mei, the giant pandas at the San Diego zoo.
If you got Ben Colen in the Christmas pick at work and can't figure out what to get him...
Time to get back to work. I just realized I have no ability to think for myself and can only execute the dreams of others. Bummer, right?
Well, the Sam/The Mez situation really got complicated these past few days. I heard The Mez in the distance when I was on the phone with someone that is on the Lakai Motel 6/Cracker Barrell tour and The Mez sounded really down. I know the idea that Sam and I are closer is really hurting him. That sensitivity has always made me extremely fond of The Mez.
But then there's the fact that Sam left today to go to a Marc Jacobs party in NY and dress up like a cowboy. His ability to participate in even the lamest activity in the name of love is beyond admirable.
With both of them gone, I've had some time to really think about the whole thing and it's a complicated situation riddled with emotion.
Larson, Paul Nett and I are not starting a band. Tony blew it.
Other then that, a big Happy Birthday to Andy Jenkins, one of the best friends anyone could ever hope to have! Love you, Jenks!
On my soap opera, this girl Greenlee that is a partner in Fusion, a totally successful cosmetics company in Pine Valley, got really mad at her partners and left town. But here's the kicker, she left her shares in Fusion to this girl, Babe, that the other partners can't stand. How awesome is that?. That would be like Gav leaving his shares to that one rep guy, right?.
Mikey's better half, Desa, used his kick flips in an analogy yesterday. I think as girlfriends go, she's winning.
Gav, why didn't you tell us that when we switched Sam from the "Team Manager" to the "Talent Manager" that we were supposed to have a party to announce that at LAX?. I l know you're not our marketing guy but we let you have a board on Girl three years after you had quit skating, seems like you owe us a little something.
Birds going to another Lakai sales meeting without Rickk. We're arranging for trauma counselors to be on hand so he should be fine. (That's like at least a good half hour of something to talk about tonight, right?).
Spike, Rickk said he's not coming to our New Year's Eve party so that's one extra person you have room for at the bar.
For the past week, there's been way too much laughter coming out of the Carnalag/Michael The New Guy/My Little Dumpling office. Either they are super giddy to have Rickk out of the office or they've all fallen in love with each other and it's flirting and giggles from 9 to 5. Please let it be the latter. An office full of gay men is the last ingredient we need here to be the very best we can be.
Rickk, if you're reading this, Larson and Jenkins got bogged down with the catalog deadline and had the guy at the dairy lay out an ad for Supra Pete. I heard it looks fine and Supra Pete will never know. He might end up doing some graphics too, he's pretty awesome, just keep checking this column.
The Mez/Sam situation is really heating up. Sam came right out and confessed to me that he is amused at every little story I tell him and he told me that the ol' "how was your weekend" thing is pretty much for phonies. I think The Mez is just hurt and lost thinking that Sam and I have a bond he may never even know about, he just isn't contacting me at all.
But now Larson has stepped in and said he feels Sam comes to his office "only when he wants something" and the he needs to feel some "real sincerity" from Sam. This is all just incredible.
And, of course, I'll keep you posted.
Mikey, if ever you are not able to get your hands on a porn (highly unlikely) maybe just check out Fear Factor. The camera man keeps the camera on the female contestants at all times and for the most part focusing on their boobs and ass. You'll be stoked, Tuesdays at 8 on NBC.
Had a little more time to think about the Sam/The Mez issue. Sam, on more then one occasion, has written in my birthday card, "you're the best." At least we know which one of is smarter.
The DVD for the Fantastic Four comes out today. I know that because my neighbors have really great taste and told me if I missed it in the theatre, it would probably be for rent next week.
Bird's at the Lakai sales meeting right now without Rickk. There, now you have something to talk about tonight.
Remember I was going to help you get to know The Hime's sub rep, Jason? Well, I wrote everything I knew about him that day I introduced him so that was pretty much your chance to get to know him. Let me know if there is someone else you want to get to know.
Mez, update your column, slacker.
Over the weekend, I did some thinking about the Sam/The Mez controversy and who is truly my better friend and I remembered that after every holiday, sometimes even after the weekend, The Mez emails me to see how my holiday or weekend was. I don't get that from Smyth. Sam? Do you care how my weekend was?
I know this whole thing is eating the two of them up as well so that's why I need to figure it all out.
Supra Pete said when your employees call in sick, it means they are on job interviews. Hope you ace it, Amber!
This would normally be The Mez' territory but Diamond Nick got gold fronts. Wait, there's more. He got them at the Slauson Swap Meet, where all the ballers get their gold fronts.
Lardog is now poultry free. He was vomiting and peeing out his butt from a bad egg he ate on Friday and then he watched this special on the bird flu. The combination of peeing out his butt and that show felt like a sign from God, only Lardog didn't know that a sign from God would make his butt burn.
I'm going to go now because I'm being childish.
Whenever Sam or The Mez are going out of town for a week or longer, they always come to my office and say goodbye. I'm not sure if The Mez saw Sam doing this and is just biting his style or if it really comes from The Mez' heart. Sort of lame that I questioned it if it really comes from the heart.
But when Sam comes home from a trip that was two weeks or longer, we always hug. The Mez was gone for three weeks one time and we just waved to each other in the front office when he got back.
I guess Sam and I are better friends. Sorry Aaron.
Next week we're going to take some time to let you get to know Hime's sub rep, Jason. He also rides a ten speed and wears all the "10 speed guy" gear. He said, "The Italians ride 10 speeds, why shouldn't we?" Right.
He also has tinted windows on his car, roots in New Jersey and has some sort of an LA salon fashion hair cut.
It seems like I'm doing a Gold Gym update, right?
We'll get to know Jason a little better next week.
I did hear from a few 10 speeders about the roadside etiquette I was wondering about. I'm combining what DC Wei-in and Hime both told me, and that's this: For the most part, 10 speeders are dicks.
If you're around 4th and B in San Diego this week and want to meet The Gav, he'll be at the Trey Anastasio show. He'll be the hot guy in the plaid pants.
The Gav, Rickk and Shcnurr played poker last night and for a light snack had Arizona's version of wine and cheese: wine and Cheetos.
The rainbow's back on the home page. You know what that means? It means that Rickk and Mike are going on a trip and bringing the same "non skate" shoes. Spike, if you want to jump on the float, call The Gav for a pair of DVS plaid slippers.
I have to go, someone's yelling in the warehouse and I think it's The Gregulator.
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