It's time to get a "holiday" tree here at Girl. Last year we got our tree for free because River Joe was dating some chick with a dad that had a tree lot. We tried to encourage him to rekindle the flame this year in the name of saving money, but it looks like this year we're paying with dollars and not love because River Joe only looks ahead when it comes to the ladies.
One Christmas when I was 6, my mom gave my brother's money to get a tree and when we got to the tree lot, my brother's had me hide in the car while they went and got the tree. Turns out they told the tree lot people they were from a retirement home and so the lot gave them the tree for free. Then they spent the tree money on weed. I come from a long lineage of classiness. Obviously.
Speaking of classy, Bob K emailed me this morning and included photos of his new puppy. His dog is now in second place for the "Cutest Small Dog" competition. Let's do a head count of straight men with small dogs:
The next person that sends me a chain email where I just need to forward it to 25 people is going to be really bummed. Well, unless you like your cell phone number on our website, then you won't be bummed, you'll be stoked.
Hime is going to send us photos of him on his ten speed. Or maybe just standing next to it with his shaved legs. That would be sort of gay to send us an action shot of him actually riding.
Gav, I double booked tonight and am going with the other plan that I booked after you and I made dinner plans so go ahead and go with whatever your other double book was. That will work out better for both of us.
Rickk and Mikey are leaving on a Lakai tour on Friday and their "non skate" shoes are the same shoe. What happened to the rainbow that use to be on our homepage?
Hime in spandex? I think that's it, let's all just go our own ways. It was a good run but, hey, things change.
I was just about to become a Clipper fan and then they lost to Denver and Indiana so I'm over it. That lasted about 4 games so that was cool.
Can someone tell me the rules of the "10 speeders" that are usually out on the weekend? I really want to understand. If they ride in the street, doesn't that mean they follow the rules of the road, just like cars so they should not obstruct traffic? And then wouldn't they have to stop for red lights and stop signs? And I'm assuming they have day jobs and are not going to end up in the Tour De France so are the outfits necessary? I really just want to understand, because I've not encountered a bigger group of dicks. They act like you're supposed to react the same way as if they were an ambulance with its siren on when they get near your car.
Send Sanger an email if you're a "10 Speeder."
Guess who works here and has two dogs named Thug and Masher? First correct email to Sanger gets a t-shirt!
(Sanger, how stoked are you on all the email I am encouraging people to send you?).
Another Thanksgiving and another completely charming Bird. He talked wine with my brother, Fuel with my brother-in-law and was just pleasing in general with the ladies. It's the alcohol Bird, that's why I got so sauced that day, to show you how bad you can behave when you drink. Looks like Meza has a new non-drinking buddy.
Reda, Meza and Bird. That's a party.
Remember when Wham was still a band and they had those t-shirts that said, CHOOSE LIFE?. Was there a lot of suicide in the UK that year?. Can someone email Sanger and let him know if they know?
Did you know that the screeners at the US airports collect about 19,000 lighters each day? Mikey, call your stock broker and buy into Bic. Now!
So every year for maybe the last 3-4 years, Bird has Thanksgiving with my family. My sister's love him. I think it might have to do with the fact that he doesn't get too hammered and he doesn't hit on anyone. Yesterday, one of my sisters said, "he's so fun to have around." Bird, looks like taking the alcohol out of your life in social situations might lead to some quality connections. Maybe? Or maybe we do lemon drops tomorrow and see if my sister's still like you on Friday. Your call.
Volcom is having an art show and they sent invites to the following people at our company:
Larson, Meza, Jenkins, Smyth and Greg Carroll. I guess the rest of us will just sit at home and cry on the 9th.
You know what's cool? There's a documentary being made about U2 and guess who's filming it? Bono. He's so cool and humble, so awesome.
No post today, I'm building a mini ramp with Rudy.
There's no more talk of skateboarding ever in this column. Starting today. Or maybe starting like, three years ago, I can't keep track.
Hey Ben, think of how many imaginary girlfriends that work for some sort of tradeshow type company you could fit in this place.
I can't wait to talk to Mikey about his Bird Flu vaccination. Not the Kelly Bird Flu, the other one, that can actually kill you. Call me, love you.
Saturday night I got to experience that classiness that Rickk and Spike have that you just can't learn. After eating at a restaurant where one of the dishes was described as a "study in roasted root vegetables," Spike decided he liked the pen the waiter gave us to sign the check with and Rickk agreed to steal it for him. After the entire staff stared at us while we waited for our car, I took the pen back in and tried to explain that it was all a big mistake.
I can see how a nice pen would be way out of the budget for both Rickk and Spike so I couldn't get too angry.
Our Talent Manager, in an effort to not have River Joe or Mikey be the creepiest Tap affiliate, humped a pink stuffed unicorn this weekend. It was beautiful and horrible all in one.
So I was right, Larson does have some master plan to get The Girl distribution moved to Del Mar. It doesn't involve his brothers nutritional invention, though. He just thinks it would be cool if we could work until about 4 everyday, then go surf and hang out with Paul Nett. He also said strippers make horrible warehouse workers because they're just thinking about the latest Creed song. Between River Joe and Larson, we challenge any other distribution to a "stripper knowledge" competition.
I did try the nutritional supplement that his brother invented and I feel like a kid again.
Yesterday I got to hear Mikey use the word, "furious." Correctly. Look out Gav, someone's coming for your vocabulary and he's got a small dog in a sweatshirt with him.
I just realized how late it is and I have a bunch of work to do. Lame for you.
Larson's brother invented some all natural dietary supplement that promotes overall well being. Larson's been handing them out to everyone and I'm starting to get a bit of a Heaven's Gate vibe. I don't think Tony's trying to kill us, just brain wash us and then maybe get us to relocate to Del Mar and maybe hire all strippers to work in the warehouse. I'm on to you, Tony.
My new friend at the gym that humped Superman has her eye on an even better trainer. This guy looks like your run of the mill jock that drives a Yukon with tinted windows. Probably has a 6 CD changer in that thing that he traded for an old weight set, maybe has a real liberal variety of music, some Melissa Ehteridge and some Santana. Does a little coke only on the "special occasions." That type of guy.
Right after she told me that she has been sort of talking to him, I watched him lift up his t-shirt and check his abs in the mirror. I love that gym. Wall to wall winners.
Schnurr's looking for some sponsors for his poker talents. That's awesome, I guess you put together a resume of how lucky you've been in life for your "sponsor me" tape?. That photo of him wearing the potato scarf looks like the evidence of a very lucky man. Good luck, Matt.
Rickk was checking out Hime's rims in the parking lot and said, "those are actually pretty cool". They're working, Hime.
Remember when I used to do hair updates? I stopped because I was getting bothered at how much work everyone was putting into their hair and I didn't want to fuel it. But this update is pretty important. Peter, part of our sales force (do you like "team" or "force" better?) has had a pompadour the last 15 years. He decided it was time for a change and got a sort of emo style but he's still using grease in it. He feels like no one will really look him in the eye now that the pompadour is gone. I think it's stylish and fresh, which is what we're all about so I think it's going to work. Good luck, Peter.
Today I was going to have lunch at a place called Chile Verde and the cook told the cashier to comp me my burrito because he liked my hair. I obviously left with the burrito and threw it in the trash. I figured either a crazy person or a pervert made my burrito and I can only imagine what extra ingredients he threw in.
Yesterday I told Carnalag that I keyed his car so he said, "that's OK, I just threw a TV through your windshield". I think you know what The Mez would say, You know how we do.....
Speaking of The Mez, he does he column sitting on a yoga ball. I think you're street cred just landed on your foot, Mez.
River Joe, who is now the warehouse manager, is having problems with Tough Guy Rotten Tooth, the old warehouse manager hanging out in the warehouse perving out on the supply catalogs. I guess after a few years of getting to pick out all the shipping supplies, Tough Guy Rotten Tooth sort of lost his way and now has a "packing fetish". Makes even Mikey seem kind of creepy.
Everyday Larson backs his car into the same parking space. I would always think to myself, "Larson thinks he's so cool, parking like that, he's so San Diego". But yesterday I tried it myself and when you go to leave, it's awesome. Sorry Tone, for all the times I walked by your car and thought you were a goof. You're actually really cool and smart, too.
Ben Colen knows what time it is.
That's about it for now, I'm pretty tired and ate a salad that had a lot of old lettuce in it. Burger King should make nicer salads, shouldn't they? I guess they're not called Salad King so it's really my fault.
Ok, well, that's about it.
I'm back, Birds back to doing what he does. Got a lot of complaints about how long Birds paragraph's were while he was on Ringer duty. Rickk wouldn't even read it. Bird, next time you cover for me, remember how stupid our audience is. They're cool, but they're stupid.
The Mez told me he got Mikey and The Talent Manager hooked on poker. Nice work, Aaron.
There was a "Time Off Request" on my desk. (That's right, we have all sorts of forms at this place). All I saw was the part where you write the reason you need time off and it said "Get rotten tooth pulled." I thought, "that's odd, Rickk's never filled out one of these forms when he wants time off." Turns out it was for Tough Guy, AKA, The Old Warehouse manager, AKA The New Hard Goods Production Guy. Looks like the minute Tough Guy got a desk job and moved out of the warehouse he couldn't handle a little toothache.
I just think it's nice to see that Rickk can now form a "rotting tooth" support group.
Thanks BK for getting Rickk, Frosty, The Gav and Hime into that Fantasy Basketball group. We were just out of the woods with that "those guys are jocks" problem. Seriously, thanks.
GUEST ENTRY #767
with Kelly Bird
Alright Houston, time to cut your losses on this Yao experiment and find out what market value is for a 7'7" center with a 6'2" game. It's been three years already, and it's becoming painfully obvious that Ewing isn't ever going to make 'ol pillow hands remotely hard. What, did he think that stupid patch of hair under his chin was all of a sudden going to intimidate people this season? You still suck Yao, so do us all a favor and lose the patch, it's the least you can do for those of us that have to root for you. The only difference between Yao and George Muresahn is that Yao's knees aren't chafing when he runs the floor, that's it. Did you see that game last night? The guy got outplayed by a geriatric with one kidney, did nobody else but me see that as a sign that this thing just isn't going to pan out? I mean, we might as well get Rickk in there, he's got the same legs as Yao, and even though he might be getting dwarfed down low, at least you know when you pass him the ball it's not going to bounce off his hands and out of bounds. That would be good for Rickk too, because then nobody at Girl would have to ask what he does anymore. Everyone could finally rest easy knowing that he plays center for the Houston Rockets three nights a week.
Seriously, If Yao is still a Rocket by the trade deadline, I'm about to be the biggest Clippers buff come February.
Speaking of the Clippers, I ran into Hime last night and he seemed a little bit miffed that he went to Froston's house last week to pick up some Clipper tickets and discovered there was a full card game in progress, one that he wasn't invited to. It's OK Hime, if it makes you feel any better, yesterday Tim asked me why I wasn't at the fantasy basketball league they did at Eric's on Wednesday knowing full well I wasn't invited when he asked me. I always love to see that game face he puts on when he asks those kinds of questions, so that alone was probably better than actually going anyway. Plus, "Fantasy" anything is dumb if you ask me. Why don't you guys get Ben
over there and play a round of Dungeons and Dragons after next weeks big game? Geeks.
Buscemi, heading to Coronado Island this weekend or what? Heard they just opened a New Era store there, so you can definitely expense that bridge toll no problem. Let me know how it goes, so jealous.
I want to end it with this :) , just so I can finally publicly declare how completely dumb it is. If you've ever sent me an e-mail that has the sideways smiley face in it, then wondered why you never heard back from me, it's because I have a filter that automatically deletes all e-mails with sideways smiley in the contents. If anyone needs it, let me know, I'd be glad to share it with you.
GUEST ENTRY #766
with Kelly Bird
Tried going to the movies Sunday night, all it did was remind me what it is about going to the movies that makes me absolutely insane. Popcorn and cellophane candy wrappers. I don't get it, how can you pack a bunch of people in a theatre, then ask them to be "polite" by turning their cell phones off and not talking during the movie knowing that you just sold damn near every one of them a bucket of popcorn on their way in? Never heard anyone eat popcorn before? Not exactly the most soothing, muted experience you'll ever have, that's for sure. Try surrounding yourself with 16 barrels, all of them smacking popcorn in unison, and then, then tell me how good the Dolby digital quality is. Doesn't really matter at that point, does it? Then, as if that's not enough, accentuate that noise with some cellophane candy wrapper crinkles every 20 seconds, and ask yourself one more time why you didn't just wait for the movie to come out on video. I can't tell you how many movie losses I've taken because I've become so fixated, and subsequently irritated by all smacking and crinkling going on around me that I completely lose track of what's going on in the movie and am forced to concentrate on keeping myself from snapping the entire time.
Don't think it doesn't happen though. Actually, I never did it, but a friend of mine did one time and it was probably more gratifying to me than if I had actually done it myself. I was seeing Life Aquatic with my friend Nancy, and
right before the movie began, this old guy rolls into the theatre with one of those plastic grocery bags tucked under his arm and sits down guess where? Yep, right behind us. So, as soon as the movie starts, sure enough he starts digging into the bag, continually filling his face with it's contents. Judging from the size of the bag, whatever was in there was going to last him the entire movie, so there was no riding this one out. 15 minutes into it, I thought to myself, "Well, at least I've seen this already, I guess I'll just take the loss and concentrate on not snapping."
Apparently though, Nancy wasn't sharing the same sentiment. At first, she turned around and gave him a crazy look, but it didn’t even phase him. A few minutes later, she turned around again, this time asking him if he could stop. He just mumbled something and dug right back in, almost as if to spite her. About a minute later, still digging, Nancy flipped. She turned around, grabbed the bag and started trying to yank it out of his hand. Although he was old, this guy wasn't giving up his bag that easily, and as he tried to pull the bag back from her, a full fledged tug-of-war ensued. Right about the time when Estoban gets eaten by the Jaguar Shark, Nancy hailed victorious in the tug-of-war, whipping the bag onto the floor in front of us to be sure it didn't end up back in grandpa's hands. I was stunned (as was everyone in the theatre I'm sure), but at the same time I wanted to stand up, high five her and tell everyone in there to give her a round of applause. To this day, it was one of the most incredible things I've ever been a part of.
So back to Sunday. I went to The Grove to see Good Night and Good Luck. I made my way to the very back row because I figured I had the best chances of being noise protected back there. Wrong. I was looking good through the trailers, but right before the movie started, a guy with a jumbo tub sits on my right, a guy that was with a girl that had no idea what McCarthyism was (it's the premise of the movie) ends up to my left, and a group of girls that were more interested in looking at their cell phones the whole time is to the left of them. 5 minutes into the movie, and I already knew it was going to be another loss. The guy on my right had a slow, monotonous chew that had me cringing immediately, and between the girl on my left who obviously wasn't going to grasp McCarthyism no matter how much her boyfriend tried to explain it to her, and the cell phone whores to the left of them, it was a certified wrap within 20 minutes. Then, as if to drive the stake even deeper, someone pulled the fire alarm 25 minutes later. I walked to my care and drove straight home. Divine Intervention? Maybe, but I do know one thing, next time I get the bright idea to go to the movies, I need to remind myself that I should probably take a dump and wipe with a 10 instead. It would be a much more enjoyable way for me to spend that 10 dollars, I'm sure of that.
GUEST ENTRY #765
with Kelly Bird
No one has ever heard of the ice in the urinal trick? Looks like I'm the only one that's ever cleaned a bathroom in my life then. Actually, the only reason I really know that one is because I used to earn a little extra money cleaning my mom's bar back in the day. It was such a gratifying job. I'd roll in there at about 3:30 am and spend a solid three hours hauling bags of beer bottles to a dumpster, mopping the beer that came out of those bottles off the floors and then finally, clean the puke and piss out of the bathrooms. Maybe even play a little shuffle board in between. The finishing touch for the men's bathroom was always to get a bucket of ice from the bar and empty it into the urinal. I was told that it helped circulate fresh water into it, so in effect, patrons wouldn't be flushing their new piss with old piss the following day.
Now, I'm not sure how many of you have been in the upstairs men's bathroom at Girl recently, but it smells like Rickk, Sam, Larson,the Mez and everyone else that pees up there rolls in, pisses on the wall and then heads back to their office. Not kidding. The smell is so unbelievable that I can't understand why Mettee hasn't figured out a way to handle it before now. He's definitely the only guy up there that would give a shit about something like that, or so I thought. Apparently I was wrong. I've been in plenty of port-o-cans in my life, and very few have brought me as close to tears as that bathroom does on a regular basis. So, come on Mettee, the liquor barn is literally 50 steps from the front door over there. Make the walk, pick up a bag of ice and handle this tragedy once and for all.
Since I'm doing mom's bar references, here's a story I never told my mom about, but I need to get this one off my chest before I go. Most nights, I'd get at least one of my friends to come with me to help with the clean up. Inevitably, we'd all have a drink or two while cleaning, but this one night me and my friend Jason decided we were going to go all out and make one of every drink in the "drink recipe book" that the amateur bartenders kept hidden behind the bar. You know, make a first hand discovery of the mudslide and flaming Dr. Pepper before we heard about it from someone else. In Texas, at that age, knowing about shit like that is major clout. 15 or 16 drinks into it, the idea lost it's luster and we just settled on the fact that beer was better anyway. Keep in mind, with every drink we mixed, there was easily enough in the shaker to serve four people, but we'd each take half a sip, make a shitty face at each other, then pour the rest of the contents down the sink.
Cut to a few weeks later when I overheard my mom talking to one of the bartenders about this ATF (Department of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms) audit that they were going to be doing at the bar that week. Apparently, they do them at random to make sure a bar's reported sales match the recorded levels of all the bottled spirits in the bar. "Damn", I thought, "Is the ATF is really that anal?" "And should I say something to my mom and risk losing my job, or let it ride and take my (or should I say our) chances?" I decided to let it ride. Keep in mind, this was way before you could pull a G a month from a wheel sponsor, and I didn't even have one, so I couldn't afford to lose that income. The audit came and went, and I never really heard one way or the other if there were any discrepancies with the readings that day.
Not long after, I left for CA to get a wheel sponsor, and not long after that my mom shut the bar down. Now, I've done some stuff as a son that qualifies me as completely lame, but if I ever find out my mom had to shut her bar down on my account.... Wow, talk about your total losers.
Tomorrow, a trip to the movies.
Ladies and Gentlemen, Kelly Bird.
Yesterday was my brother's birthday and we were going to go to dinner and he called and canceled the whole dinner. So my one sister, her husband and their two kids went anyway. Then her one son called me and told me they went and I asked, "how come I wasn't invited to still go" and he told me they had a "sort of family meeting". Then he told me this crazy story about a U2 concert he went to with a really really rich person.
Isn't my family great?
FYI, whenever I say "I" or "me" what I really mean is "Bird and I" or "me and Bird." For example, when I told the story of reading Smyth's Real World review to Rick and I made it sound like just I was there, it was really Bird, Rick and I. Please make a note of this for all future stories.
Did you know if you live in San Diego long enough you start to develop a European flair? Paul Nett spells "check" like they do in Eastern Canada, he spells it "cheque." He's the most chic employee at DC.
Speaking of chic employees, The Gav ordered a Greek Salad today at lunch and asked them to "throw in some shrimp." He's got the taste buds of your average street bum. Shrimp only tastes good on a Greek Salad if it's landed on their in a dumpster.
Golds Gym Update: They had some sort of party called a "Membership Mixer" but I didn't go. Superman tattoo guy went and we ended up in the free weight section together yesterday morning. He told one of the guys that asked him about it, "It was alright, I mean, you've seen all the chicks here so if you were shopping, it was a waste of time." Shopping? Hmmm.
River Joe ordered a new company vacuum today and he said, "we just need one that doesn't blow." I know, that's why we keep him.
Go Lakers! Opening game win in Denver!!! Just kidding.
First Bob K told me that he had his best New Year's ever with us then he tells me yesterday he had his best Halloween with us. OK, Bob, come back. I'm tired of this back and forth hard to get. We'll build you that little house you wanted in front of your office.
If you are walking down the street and you see Spike, wave from the other side of the street and just keep walking. He has an eye infection that is so gross, not even the eye doctor knows what it is. I think the free clinic is where you figure out what that thing is, I'm pretty sure he got air born herpes in his eye.
Last night at dinner, with his eye all swollen and goopy, he goes, "Try this avocado salad" and I said, "bummer, I don't like avocado" but what I really wanted to say was, "bummer, I hate when I get STD's in my eyes."
On the bright side, Spike, it's probably very good for your street cred.
Time to go hang out and be cool.
Gold's Update: These two guys were doing free weights where I was doing sit ups and the one guy told the other guy that he was Tarzan for Halloween. (Big surprise). And then the guy said back to him, "yeah, I was going to be that one year and I couldn't find a big enough leaf." I was like, "Am I at a comedy club or the gym? I shouldn't be hearing jokes like this for free." I love that place.
There's this girl Amber that works here and she's still in beauty school. She's super cool.
Gav, we're at Wednesday and I have dinner plans. You've got two nights left in this week to make plans with me so we can cancel. Consistency, Gav, that's what this friendship is based on.
Last night Rickk told me he doesn't read Smyth's Keepin' It Real and I told him it was the best part of The Tap. (Besides The Mez' carb jokes). I told him a few things that were written in there and he laughed really hard and then I said, "will you read it from now on" and he said "maybe." Sam, looks like we got some sour talent.
Someone called me and said to look at the picture of The Gav and his lovelier half, Kelly, in the new issue of The Skateboard Mag. It was a photo from their wedding. I looked at the picture and it was beautiful. And it was also beautiful to see that like us, The Skateboard Mag saves money by not having fact checkers. He's the Vice President of DVS, not the President and he got married on the 25th, not the 24th. Easy mistake, only half of the staff of The Skateboard Mag was at the wedding.
Good thing Ben Colen has a twin size bed. Only the lucky ladies see this stuff.
Remember when Bird hated that back yard stuff that Bob K would post all the time? And it just made Bob K drag it out for about 6 months more then even Bob K wanted to? Well, Bird doesn't like the D&D posts for Ben Colen.
I wonder if Bird ever thinks about how Ben feels. Alone in his basement, cape so hot in these summer months and the dim light from his dragon lamp making his eyes strain. Do you, Bird?
Rather then stealing Bob K's idea and posting something each and every day for my lonely little wizard, Ben, I am going to invite Bird to host this column for all of next week. I can already assure you that it will be better then when I do it because Bird bums people out. And people love to see other people get bummed out. The Mez loves second hand bummers.
Bird? You in?.
Gav, it's already Tuesday and still no email from you with the subject "dinner?". Come on, let's stay consistent with the double bookings.
An apology goes out to Schnurr yesterday for implying his gambling might be a bit excessive. I learned later that he was trying to see if he could stay at the casino for 36 hours straight. Silly me, after hearing he had been there for a full day I jumped the gun and thought, "wow, he might need to chill out on the gambling" only to feel like a total ass when I was told he was working towards that 36 hour goal. Sorry Matt, keep up the good work.
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NOW WHO'S A BITCH?