ENTRY #759
10/31/05


If your Fourstar road rep is irritable, anxious or not eating, just be patient.

I can't post Bird's costume, he's going out again tonight but he wasn't the guy you all emailed saying he was. There's more then one costume that requires a red beanie. Maybe he's going as one of the extra's from that movie with Jimmy Fallon and Drew Barrymore about the guy that was a crazed Boston fan (if I was The Mez, I would have looked up the name of the actual movie, he runs a tight ship over there in the Randoms).
I'm sure The Mez will be posting a Halloween photo gallery in the next day or so. He didn't post the Yosemite photo gallery yet because he's still mad that while we were at one with nature, he was at The Grove with his brother.

Every time we have a company lunch, The Mez over eats and then tells this joke: Carbs don't count when the foods free. He's hilarious.

Schnurr's been at The Hustler Casino for 24 hours. It's not a problem, Matt, totally a hobby. Just a hobby. Next time you tell me I'm "addicted to Gold's" keep in mind that the longest I've ever been there is 90 minutes and I'm neither "up" or "down" when I leave.

Happy Birthday to one of the Beastie Boys, Peter Jackson, John Candy and Charlene.
Oh, and Happy Halloween, too.




ENTRY #758
10/28/05


I don't want to give away Bird's Halloween costume but he spent two hours in the Del Amo mall yesterday trying to find a red beanie. Being in the Del Amo mall on a week day is like being in the midst of an arena that was rented out for a Bad Taste Competition and try outs for The Biggest Loser.
Whatever the costume is, he's dedicated to it.

That Star Trek guy came out of the closet, that's pretty cool.

Gold's Gym Update: My new Hip Hop aerobics friend left a note on the motorcycle of the Superman tattoo guy that she got down with and he just walked by us yesterday when we were doing cardio and goes, "sup" and kept walking. It didn't phase me but I guess after rolling around naked in a Manhattan Beach condominium with him while Steve Miller played on the stereo in the other room, she felt a little more pissed and called him "an arrogant fucker." The Superman t-shirts are supposed to tell you that, not getting dissed by him after you hump him.
They're having a special membership deal where you buy a year and they give you 6 months free, Gav? Kidding, I know you're busy in the snack aisle.

New Guy Michael liked his nickname because at his old job, some kid there called him Mike, The Worker Guy. Good thing he likes his new name because Mike The Worker Guy is what we call Mikey. When we hire Mike Burnett to be The Mez' assistant, his name is going to be Mike, The New Smart Worker Guy.
Mike Mihaly still remains Another Floridian that couldn't resist the lust of the So Cal Life (Should I go on?).




ENTRY #757
10/27/05


I just can't compete today.




ENTRY #756
10/26/05


Yesterday Emmet Jenkins stopped by in his baseball uniform selling candy for a school fund raiser. He had this sales pitch that he would read off the order form at the time of each sale. After I heard him read it three times I started saying, "wait, what is the money being raised for" and he would re-read the sales pitch. He's been around Girl for almost a decade, he's fair game.

Can people stop emailing me asking me if Spike owns the footage from Video Days? For some reason, when we hang out, I always forget to talk about skate videos with him. Isn't that weird?

Smyth has some rare wheels in his office. We talked about them, it was nice.

Gold's Gym Update! The good treadmill is broken, it needs a new belt. And my new friend that I met in Hip Hop aerobics humped the trainer that wears the Superman t-shirts. He also has a Superman tattoo that I have never seen but since my new friend saw him naked she told me about it. I was going to set her up with Hime but I thought he wouldn't like her because she was too straight laced but when you're randomly bedding down with dudes at the gym, not so much.
Bird, how's my track record looking at picking out "normal girls?"

The Mez, Callaway, Rickk, My Little Dumpling, Mueller and New Guy Michael (that's his new name) are all out of the office on a Fourstar shoot. Hope you guys have enough people there to get it done. Want me to send anyone else over?




ENTRY #755
10/25/05


Happy Belated Birthday, Spike. I heard someone smoked a really crazy joint in your honor in Yosemite. Probably Mike or Rickk.

Mez, easiest way to get Crankers to send something in is to remind him that we have his episode of SKATE on Tivo. "Don't want to tell you how to work your run..." Ring a bell, Rick?

Here's Bird's Top 5 quotes from Yosemite;

5. "You suck at life." —To the guy that wouldn't get out of the fast lane on the 99
4. "Fucking genius." —To Schnurr after he was sent to the store to get olive oil, butter and onions and returned with a deck of cards, two shot glasses and butter.
3. "That's right Buscemi, 42%." —To some guy at DC
2. "That's what this car is built for, fuck it." —To Rickk when faced with the decision to drive off the on-ramp, through some trees, off a curb and into traffic
1. CENSORED
(Ask him, he'll tell you).

How come Mihaly hasn't called to sell us some ads lately? I feel like buying ads.




ENTRY #754
10/24/05


I'm so bummed, I think I left my copy of High Times at the cabin in Yosemite. Lame.




ENTRY #753
10/21/05


Ben, here's that info you were looking for (The guy that thinks he no longer likes Ben because we played him out on The Tap needs to know that what Ben is living is a complicated overwhelming life, I think he will come full circle when he sees that it's not just dragons and lightning bolts Ben is dealing with. Ben has deeper struggles here).
I know it seems like I sort of stole Ben from The Mez but in exchange, I'm letting The Mez have Reda. and Schnurr. and Dave Burnett.

We were going to take bets on who comes back from Camp Whatevs with an LBT (lower back tat) but I think it's safe to say it won't be My Little Dumpling. Actually, My Little Dumpling should get a LST (lower stomach tat). That would be way more sexy and dangerous.

Have a nice weekend. No, really.





ENTRY #752
10/20/05


Imagine what it would be like being Ben Colen's girlfriend on Valentine's Day....

Last night The Mez hosted a poker game. I can't wait to find out where Mrs. The Mez was because she wasn't home, that's for sure.
Speaking of the Mez, there's been a changing of the guard for Friday. Brian Mettee is not able to be here so The Mez is in charge. Don't worry, he walks so slow, by the time he gets to your office it will be time to go home.

We're going on a trip to Yosemite for two days, so Rickk and Frosty are bringing the following:
fishing poles
poker table
guns
bow and arrow
bikes
walking sticks
volleyball
and beer.
The beer and poker table will be the two things that get taken out of the car.

River Joe and Tough Guy Rich are now in charge of unclaimed Tupperware. Climb the latter, boys, you are the picture of success.

If you were the boss and one of your employees left this message on your cell phone after you had gone to sleep:
"I'm bored just drinking a forty and painting my nails to feel more girly, and I miss you."
You would promote them, right?
You, too, Jamie, are creeping up the corporate latter.




ENTRY #751
10/19/05


I spent all afternoon in the skatepark, so no column.




ENTRY #750
10/18/05


Last night I was going to call Bird when the Astros completely blew it, to tell him that I know how that feels because I saw the Lakers blow it a time or two, but I decided to just bake him cookies instead. But when I emailed him to see if he was coming over to our building (Podium is just down the street from us) he said something lame about me giving him shit about the Astros. Then I called him "fuckface" and told him I would bring the cookies down to him. How about that friendship?

There's a place on Artesia Blvd in Torrance called "Tatoff." It's a laser removal place for tattoos. Say maybe you get a symbol that is supposed to be something in Chinese but it ends up looking like the Red Dragons sword, you just call "Tatoff" make an appointment and they clean you up. Or maybe you get the Hollywood sign.... never mind, I think you get what they do at their facility.

You know what's lame? I got an email today from someone saying that they used to like Ben Colen but that I ran him into the ground. Sorry, Ben. The Tap can make or break a man.

Mikey, it's spelled "confirming" not "conferming". See you in Yosemite.




ENTRY #749
10/17/05


On Friday, October 21, 2005, Brian Mettee will be in full charge of Girl. When asked to keep his best "asshole attitude out and ready" he comforted me with the fact that he never puts it away. He's a keeper.

You know why The Mez will be sick if The Gav is ever sick? Because for the most part, The Mez can be found in two places; on The Gav's left or on The Gav's right.

In case you were wondering, Ben always goes with Future/Fantasy when purchasing a new cape.

I have a flip phone and the top part that flips up is about to break off. I've never seen anyone else's flip phone break, does that mean I'm extremely popular? Wow.




ENTRY #748.5
10/14/05


Ben, they only go up to a size 6X/7, which would be a tight fit, but maybe you can wear them under your cape.




ENTRY #748
10/14/05


Hey Spike,
Are you checking my column today to see if I posted that quote about you being a genius? Maybe I'll wait until after my birthday and see if my gift is good enough and then I'll decide if and when to put it up.
Love you,
The Ringer

One more thing, 12 years ago, before this wonderful company was part of my life, I would be afraid to use the word "gnarly" in a conversation. But somehow I just used it on the phone with our attorney. Good to see myself evolve, feeling proud.

Oh and one more thing, Tough Guy Rich and River Joe gave me an Angels hat, since I'm a fan now and it turns out that they got it as a free gift when they ordered warehouse supplies. And to think I was just about to buy them both matching Sea Doo's.

Oh and then this, Rickk said that the crappy looking New Era style that I complained about was the collaboration of Mikey and Mettee. Lame for them.





ENTRY #747
10/13/05


If you had spent all last fall, as Ben Colen did, hand making wands for all your D&D crew, you too would love this site for the holiday season.

[
I think the correct term for a D&D "crew" would be a "horde", "drove" or "fraternity." -editor]




ENTRY #746
10/12/05


Still an Angel's fan. Are they the Los Angeles Angels or the Anaheim Angels?

Yesterday our Talent Manager, in an effort to swindle my new Treo away from me, told me that the screen on his cell phone burnt out and he was trying to order pizza and ended up on a porn line. The guy is good! Way to score the Treo AND cover your ass when the phone bill comes. Sometimes the Talent Manager is the talent.

Don't want to scare anyone but I had a dream last night that there was a huge earthquake. Like buildings falling and stuff. Sorry.

Did you know that Britney and her "husband" made a sex tape and they're scared it might get leaked out? Who would have guessed? I mean, she's so smart and such a good decision maker and he's not a manipulative and totally careless asshole. So weird. Mikey, send it over when you get it, I know you're in some special porn association where you get everything rush delivered to you.

Golds Gym Update! I took a yoga class over the weekend and the teacher said, while we were trying to "clear our minds", "imagine you are high in the air, floating so high, safe and floating" and I thought of that big ramp at the X-Games. Was I not meditating properly? Oh, wait, I'm just lame, that's it.




ENTRY #745
10/11/05


I know everyone loves it when I do this so look at the letter I got;


While reading the Tap today, instead of working on designing ads, you wrote:

"…I'd talk shit about it but there is a good chance back when I was lost in loving The Lakers that I got excited about them wearing 'throwback' uniforms."

I remember the days when it was nothing but Kobe, Shaq, & Phil on the site. Now, because Shaq is gone and the Lakers suck, does that mean the Lakers are no longer cool? Who are you gonna "root" for now? Lebron and the Cavs? Washington? Or egads, Utah?

Thanks,

Rob Kirkland
Associate Publisher
Ace Weekly


Dear Rob,

Yes, it is true, now that Shaq is gone, The Lakers suck, but maybe you took a break from reading my column. I don't hate the Lakers because Shaq isn't here, I hate them because Kobe is. He's a fucker and although I have managed to cheer in the stands for other previous fuckers (Eldon Campbell, Gary Peyton, Glen Rice) he has managed to out fucker everyone.
It's one thing to hump a hotel employee, it happens, but you don't throw your friends under the bus when the police are questioning you because she doesn't feel it was a mutual hump.
And Phil Jackson is a bummer, too. You don't write a book calling someone "uncoachable" only to come back and coach them for 5 million dollars.

And lastly, my new friend Rob, don't use the word "egads" it not only sounds lame, it looks lame. You tell me who to root for, Rob, and I'll get right on it after the Angel game tonight. Did I mention I'm an Angels fan now? Maybe even a White Sox fan but I won't know for about another 5-7 games.

Love you,

The Ringer




ENTRY #744
10/10/05


If you're of the Jewish dissent, call Mihaly to buy some ads. He's got some humor that will just bowl you over.

If you have any important issues to go over with Tony Larson or Paul Nett, you're going to need to handle that before 6PM tonight. There's a Chargers/Steelers game on and The Chargers are wearing their old "throwback" uniforms. I'd talk shit about it but there is a good chance back when I was lost in loving The Lakers that I got excited about them wearing "throwback" uniforms. (I'm putting "throwback" in quotes because it's such a gay word, I want to make sure people don't think I'm really "using" it).

A note to Club Crap (The guys that shit their pants: The Mez, Rickk, Mikey and Scott). Might not be a bad idea to put a survival kit in your car. Maybe a clean pair of boxers, a few glad bags, some toilet paper and some wet wipes. I saw Rickk break every driving law in California over the weekend. And after he made it to a Burger King, he said, "one exit makes all the difference in the world." Or maybe just wear diapers?

My column was pretty informational today, right? I was going to write something about the Bird Flu and the mandatory vaccination the government is talking about and how they are scaring everyone into thinking that it's like the germs the aliens couldn't handle in War of The Worlds and then I remembered Rickk said we were getting too political. Whatever Forever.




ENTRY #743
10/7/05


I liked that The Mez didn't try to claim EA as everyone's little dumpling, he knew that he was only My Little Dumpling. And speaking of My Little Dumpling, he called someone a scoundrel yesterday.
He uses total grandpa words.

I realized yesterday that our company has a lot of "emo" going on. The Mez has some deep emo, Jenkins, Mueller and My Little Dumpling are pretty emo packed and Rick has some sprinklings of emo with his messenger bag and heavy Echo and The Bunnymen rotation in his CD's. Or are we just gay?

I guess you all know by now that it was Scott Jonhston that hopped aboard Team Shit along with The Mez, Rickk and Mikey. I know, I know, there are no known stories of Mikey crapping his pants but think about it.
All the weird stuff this guy is into and that's just the stuff we know about? You know at some point he was with some freak that thought it would be cute if he crapped his pants. Right? So, it's the four of them for now.
Congratulations, Scott.

I hope all of you people that didn't book enough of Mikey's Fourstar Carroll Pant know how much landscaping costs. When he's short a few palm trees I hope you're happy.

Ben Colen is done looking for his Halloween Costume.




ENTRY #742
10/6/05


I like how Meza adds little features to his column and then runs them into the ground after a while. It's very street.

I was going to try and do a contest where I listed a bunch of things that you had to gather, like a scavenger hunt, and then whoever sends all the stuff on the list in first wins a signed deck or a box of junk out of someone's office or a personal water craft but I started to make the list and just said, "forget it."

We were picking the date for our holiday party yesterday and Rickk said we have to have a party AND an after party. Can't we just do what we always do and have the dinner and then go to some horrible club in Hollywood that The Gav knows everyone at and just consider that the after party? Or did Rickk mean another party after the horrible club phase of the night? Let me know and I'll make all your party wishes come true.

Yesterday I heard President Bush say that we were responsible for the recent "seeds of freedom that have been planted in Iraq." I've never heard bombs called seeds, interesting.

Our talent manager got a really nice compliment from Rickk today and those are very rare. I think it's safe to say that Rickk is going to eventually let out talent manager run the whole place. And then his title would be Talent Master.




ENTRY #741
10/5/05


Buscemi, can you forecast the end of the New Era trend? Thanks buddy.




ENTRY #740
10/4/05


I'm not doing DVS Wake Team updates anymore. I still like Tornado or Hurricane or whatever they call him and I really like French Ben Cans but it's too hard to keep up with the wake scene. They can hold a contest in the south of France or a man made lake in Kentucky. It's too much work.

To make up for that, I will be doing Gold's Gym updates. So far The Gav has not been back. He says it's too hard to get there. (It's a 4 minute bike ride from his house so I'm sure you can see the problem). I know if Mikey lived in the South Bay he would join. I would just tell him that he had to and then he would. Schnurr will join as soon as they put the slot machines in.
Yesterday this girl was talking to me while we were on the stairmaster and she said it sucks to be a girl because there are so many parts of your body you have to worry about keeping in shape. Like your ass, your abs, your legs. She said guys don't have that pressure. It's true, Frosty isn't out of shape but he was just born with a big ass. But he doesn't care and never has. He'll even brag about it.
I comforted my new stairmaster friend by telling her that the mafia doesn't kill girls and that's a cool thing that guys don't get a pass on. But then she said, "well what about that chick on The Soprano's that is now on that show Joey?" so I told her I'm talking about old school mafia. Dummy!

Larson sent Jenkins and I this long email yesterday about his fantasy football league. I figured out what he's doing now. He wants to get fired so he can collect unemployment and do that football crap with all his time instead of just on Sunday. One more email, Tone and we have a deal.

Ever just feel like strolling over to The Mez' office and singing a song from Grease Two to him? Try it, you just might like his response.




ENTRY #739
10/3/05


At the Mueller Ping Pong festival on Saturday night, River Joe took the gold! It was an awesome victory considering he went up against a serial ass grabber in the finals. Good work, River Joe!

Our Talent Manager is currently with some of the Girl talent in Canada. They were involved in some sort of a contest (if you want real names of stuff, check the Randoms) and our Talent Manager won some money. I'm pretty sure he's become an agent and he's not telling us. Sam? Anything you want to tell us?

Weird, it's already Monday morning and we still haven't gotten the "POKER NIGHT AT RICKK'S" email. Schnurr must be tied up at Hustler this morning. Do they have cots there if you want to spend the night? I heard the brunch there is killer. (I borrowed that word "killer" from Gav).
Gav also says, "bitchin'" sometimes as an adjective. He moved to the beach, what do you want?

Saturday I got a ticket for parking in the red zone and when I came out to my car, the guy was printing the ticket out of one of those little hand held ticket giver things and he said, "bad idea to park in the red". And I said, "Not if I'm part of a scavenger hunt and the last item I needed was a parking ticket". And then I called my sister and we laughed so hard I had to pull the car over. Pretty cool, right? To be able to crack yourself up? It's pretty nice.

Mikey told me to make sure I keep the ban on MySpace to which Diamond Nick replied, "chill." OK, Nick, I'll chill. Sorry for trying to keep the lights on. Let's try it your way for a while. And MySpace is still banned.




ENTRY #738
9/30/05


Birds on a flight to New York right now. Just giving a heads up to New York. You'll probably hear him once he gets to the airport but just in case, you were warned.

Like I told you.

There's a poker game tonight and it's not at Rickk's, MATT! So hopefully Matt checks The Tap before he gels up, puts his sport coat on and jumps in the Acura.

Craving more wizardry?

Nothing, that's what I have today.




ENTRY #737
9/29/05


Phil Jackson was on the news last night defending his choice to return to The Lakers and the, as he wrote in is own book, "uncoachable Kobe Bryant." He was saying that if you read the last three chapters, you'll see that he tells how he and Kobe were becoming closer during the playoffs. Really Phil? I would bet there are three paragraphs in your contract that would make this all make way more sense and one of them contains the words "5 million dollars." Too bad that "nolakers" hilarious email address is already taken, I'd pay top dollar for that thing.

I found out today that the three or four nights a week that a stripper in a club serves drinks rather then dancing is when she has her period. I know I should think that's gross but that's good business management on behalf of the strip club owner. Maybe Larson should run this place, he probably has tons of little business tips like that.

Speaking of Larson, he's an uncle again, his brother had a baby. This all made Tony want a baby so if you know of any, let us know. He drives a Volvo. What else does he need?

3 more days until Bri Bri's back. That's if you don't count the weekend which we can't, it's just too painful. For each and everyone one of us.

Lots of Wizards, very soon!




ENTRY #736
9/28/05


You know how we all want to be like The Mez? Not sober and really into snacks, we want our columns like his. Well check out the Top 5 Crystal Meth Anonymous meetings around the country:

1. Crystal Clear (Omaha, NE)
2. Tweak Enders (Washington, DC)
3. Life After Meth (St Cloud MN)
4. The Last Straw (Douglasville, GA)
5. Mid Week, No Tweak (Washington, DC)

I know I'll have a 6 and 7 for you tomorrow because Carnalag and My Little Dumpling grew up in Yucca, which I believe is the meth lab capitol of the world.

Just like I'm saying to myself, "Four more days until Bri Bri is back" about our Production Manager extroidinaire, Brian Mettee, other people around the building are saying, "Fucking only four more days until that bitch is back." Sucks to be a hater.

Our talent manager was trying to weasel out of a trip to Canada by acting like he has the sniffles and saying, "every time I fly, I get some sort of sickness." Come on, Sam, as if I've never been the employee and was always the boss. That's the oldest trick in the book. Get your Sudafed and pack your bag, you're going to Canada.

You know what's really cool? When Rickk comes into my office on his cell phone and keeps saying "Shhhh" every time I get a call. Here's an idea, take that call in the parking lot or maybe even in your own office or maybe in the office of someone that thinks it's cute when you do stuff like that. (Actually, that was three ideas, try all of them).




ENTRY #735
9/27/05


Larson did the Randoms on Friday and Monday.

Over the weekend, I took my good friend Bird into the bathroom where we could speak in private and said to him, "Bird, just this one time don't be "that guy." Don't go make out with that random chick that you are going to feel weird seeing at the next party someone had." He looked back at me with both eyes crossed and said, "Right, I should pull it together." And he did. He sat on the curb for an hour waiting for a cab and then Team Jefferson gave a solo Bird a ride to his hotel.
Might not mean anything to you but Bird passing up a drunken make out is a turning point for all of us.

I didn't blame the recent hurricanes on Bush and Cheney as someone emailed me complaining about. I simply said how lucky for Halliburton that they are always right there to patch up destruction. Cronyism and corruption are the new black.

Kareem Abdul Jabar was on TV last night trying to get the LA fans pumped for the new season and the result is tons of season seats still available. Go Kobe!

Jenkins cell phone bill on the average is 1/10 of what Rickk's is. Jenkins, you need to talk to Rickk and find out the secret to his social butterfly like ways.




ENTRY #734
9/22/05


At lunch I'm going to work on changing my voice mail on my cell phone because Bird said the greeting sounded "sort of abrupt."
When The King of Abrupt tells you you sound abrupt, you're abrupt.
(We're only referring to Bird as Bird from now on, not Kelly. Kelly is Tim's wife. Make a note of that).

Yesterday when that Jet Blue plane had problems with it's landing gear and was circling the airport to use up it's fuel in the event that it had to crash land, Rickk remembered Mikey was going to be getting on a Jet blue flight in the next few days. He said, "Should I call him and bum him out." I reminded Rickk that that is Bird's job and no one does it better.

Brian Mettee AKA, The Glue of our corporation has left for Japan. The following things could and probably will happen while he's gone:
• The manager of our woodshop will get nine days of no one screaming at him on the phone.
• Mikey won't be able to get any special boards and will ask why Mettee gets to go on vacation.
• Rickk will not have to say, "Brian pissed me off today" for nine days.
• The Mez will focus more on picking on Diamond Nick.
• Anyone from outside our company or team that skates the park won't get the total stink eye.
I miss him already.

Our Talent Manager used the phrase "bounce some ideas" in an email to me. Come back, Sammy, please?

Did you know that earlier this month DVS wake skater, Benji Cans, won the Toulouse Wakeskate Cup? He did. And now he's moving to Bali to be a part of some wake skate school.
That's right, wake skate updates from now on!




ENTRY #733
9/21/05


Sometimes you just gotta bypass The Mez and give out Top 5's without his permission. The man that made social anxiety chic and just put a swimming pool in his own backyard, Andy Jenkins.

Top 5 people
1. You know who you are…

Top 5 motocrossers
1. Ricky Carmichael (the GOAT)
2. James Stewart
3. Bob Hannah
4. David Baily
5. Kevin Windham

Top 5 graphics
1. The Smiley face
2. I Heart New York
3. Any graphic skull treatments
4. The Love Park sculpture
5. The Honda “Wing”

Top 5 places to NOT eat in Torrance
1. Mimi’s Café (I found Saran Wrap in my salad)
2. The Dairy just down the street (soggy day-old sandwhiches)
3. Del Taco (applies to anywhere in the world)
4. The Girl kitchen
5. The Roach Coach

Top 5 things about Pedro
1. It’s not Hollywood
2. The ocean front
3. My house & family
4. The Omelette and Waffle Shop
5. Charles Bukowski is buried there

Top 5 websites to ban
1. Anything involving amputation fetishes
2. Anything involving Calais or other vanity drugs
3. Google (single handedly killing the reference sections of libraries)
4. eBay (killing the yardsale)
5. MySpace… Jesus, get a life, people


Top 5 typos in your career
1.Spelling “company” “compNAy” on a shit load of Girl stickers
2. Leaving Rudy’s name off a team ad causing an uproar of rumors
3. Spelling Jeron Wilson “Jerson” Wilson
4. Spelling Pappalardo’s name wrong on his first ever graphic for Chocolate
5. Still not know if it’s “you are” welcome, or “your welcome.”




ENTRY #732
9/20/05


Today we had to go the power trip route and ban MySpace from our employees here at The Tap. They did it over at Podium and if we ever want a big red camper like them, we gotta get serious.
Here were the Top Five responses when notified of the ban:
1. How are we supposed to get laid when we go to Tampa?
2. Amen
3. Does this mean Nick won't be coming in anymore?
4. Good, tell all those fucking slackers to get to work!
5. I guess that means I have to take down my "Gay but don't like man sex" profile.
And then of course, Larson acted like he didn't know what it was. Really Tone? How'd you meet Paul Nett?

When we pull ads, adjust our travel budget or increase someone's salary, the following people meet to make that decision:
The Mez
The Talent Manager
Rickk
Rudy
But then when someone has to take the hit for the decision, we bring in a Ringer. If you know what I mean.

It's the count down to The Gav's big day and he needs someone to take care of his cats. Yep, The Gav has cats. So does The Hime. They must have been giving them away at the door of clubs in most of 2003.
Anyway, if you want to take care of Tim's cats, send Sanger an email and tell him why we should trust you with Coco and Chanel. Just kidding, those aren't his cats names, those are his hampster's names. His cats are Trey and Sammy. (Sammy may just go by The Talent Manager now, I know that happened here).
Go ahead email Sanger, he loves it when I encourage you to do that.

The storm last night brought so much water in to our warehouse that we had to have sand bags put in place. I think we are at least coming close to keeping it real.




ENTRY #731
9/19/05


I wasn't "jet setting in NY", I had a UN meeting to attend. Oh, and I found out, everything's fine in the world so go back to worrying about other stuff.

Rickk said he saw Tremaine this weekend and said, "he looks really huge". I said, "I know, he got fat" and Rickk said, "no, he's all cut and buffed out". Maybe Rickk didn't see Tremaine this weekend.

When I was in high school there was this one coach that was a total pervert. He used to act like he was talking to the women's coach at the office of the women's locker room but he would really be watching the girls in the showers. I saw him this morning at the dry cleaners, staring at the boobs of the girl that works there and he's still a pervert.
Sorry Mikey, looks like you don't grow out of it.

Our Talent Manager, Smyth, had to take today off because he spent the weekend with the talent in Kansas City.
Looks like it's official, there is no need anymore to keep it real. I'm psyched!




ENTRY #730
9/15/05


Credit Claiming is the new pink.

I have a pretty comfortable couch in my office and if you don't believe me, ask The Gav. We had a meeting this morning and you can still see the imprint from his ass and smoothy residue where he laid while he used big words incorrectly. Yeah, he's the VP of DVS, why?

Here's the rules for the poker game at Rickk's on Friday night: STAY IN THE GARAGE.

Is it sort of hypocritical to make fun of The Mez and his Bright Eyes fantasy if I'm listening to Dido on repeat on the tread mill at the gym? I didn't think so. Speaking of the gym, I almost set Bird up with this girl that takes hip hop aerobics with me because Bird is into that sort of thing but when she changed in the locker room, she had a devils tail tattoed around her leg and it started in her butt crack. He draws the line at the LBT.

Time to go, someone needs their pacifier.




ENTRY #729
9/14/05


Rickk and Jenkins traded cars today. I wonder if they will take on each other's personalities. Like Andy would start being heavy handed and slapping people on the back way too hard and Rickk would only come out of his office to get coffee, a Snicker's or to go home. That would be weird in a funny way. Or maybe not weird or funny at all.

Two of my sister's read this column and Hime called one of them a bitch yesterday. One of my sister's has never even met Hime so the other sister that reads this column but isn't a detective might be able to figure out that Hime called her a bitch. Depending on when the server gets rolling, Hime is going to have one angry young lady to deal with.

Last night at dinner, The Gav wasn't that hungry so he only ordered the following: Lettuce wraps, ribs, wontons, some weird pork wrapped in slimy dough and a platter of rice fried with chicken, shrimp and beef.
The cute guy walking down the aisle with the lovely Kelly is not Junior Seau, it's Timmy.
Too late for lipo, Tim, you can't be active for about three weeks afterwards. You way rather be chunky and able to dance then thin and on the sidelines.

Do you think Buscemi checks Crail on his honeymoon? Of course he does. Jon, call up. We're thinking about knocking Paul Nett into the second spot of our favorite people at DC so that would know you to 12th.




ENTRY #728
9/13/05


Does anyone or anyone you know want a trade show booth? Contact Sanger. You have to pay for transportation of it so if you live in Canada, think about the duty on something like this.
If no one wants it, Gav, guess what you and Kelly are getting as a wedding gift.




ENTRY #727
9/12/05


So I heard the Crail band on Friday. They're pretty good but they're about to get better. The Gav auditioned for Rickk on Saturday so he's on tambourine now. The audition went sort of like this:
The Gav: "Can I be in the band?"
Rickk: "You're tambourine!"
As you can see, only the best for this act. Look for the first effort in the coming months.

I was going to tell you about how The Gav has a great limo service he uses and how they got us lost for the second time on the way to a wedding and how I missed my reading at a wedding but Bird sent out his own style of press release and I hate to be redundant.

Rudy was asking why he is never in this column. Same reason Alex Parker, Ben Colen and Mike Burnett aren't. You belong to The Mez.

Spike didn't like that I posted his "wish list" on The Tap. Sorry Spike. Sorry that you're a total baby.




ENTRY #726
9/09/05


Tomorrow's the big day, Buscemi! Koston's Game of Skate!

Here's Spike's wish list from the new catalog. Make note of how he feels about argyle, Mike Carroll and Marc Johnson:
• girl argly belts. Both colors
• girl argyle socks. Six of those and then a variety of whatever other socks we have in. ( I need socks. And I love the argyle ones)
• crail key chains
• a striped wallet?
• mike carrol grip.
• marc johnson deck. (big choco logo if pos)
• choc red square wheels
• choc new chunk beenie
• choc striped web belt
• choc gloves
• choc tattoos
• 4 star ipod case

Well, there was more to write but as usual an asshole pissed me off.




ENTRY #725
9/08/05


I'm pretty sure Carnalag is trying to get a promotion. He just emailed me and it said, "I might get drunk and puke all over myself." This place is oozing with self esteem.

Looks like when Mrs. The Mez leaves town, The Mez garages the Mustang and cruises all over LA in her Saab like a teenage girl. That's gross, Aaron.

Today The Gav used two three syllable words in a Lakai meeting correctly. Congratulations, Tim.

God Bless ASR.




ENTRY #724
9/07/05


Diamond Nick cleaned his office. Or for all the playas' that follow Nick's life, he paid someone to clean it. Diamond Nick don't clean! But his office looks great and it makes him look thinner.

Bird was on an international flight and the girl next to him asked him to explain third party software and he did. Seems like this wouldn't or shouldn't be news but the old Bird could have easily punched her in the face. Nice progress, Kel.

The Gav called Rudy and asked why he wasn't mentioned in his Top 5's. Looks like someone got bit by the insecurity bug. That must be what made his head and face swell.

Oh my gosh! You're kidding me? Halliburton got some of the largest re-building contracts for the Gulf coast? Wow, Dick Cheney is the luckiest boy in the world.

Um, can someone tell me how Smyth is supposed to manage the team and do Real World updates when his thumbs don't work anymore? That's right, he poured his heart, soul and thumbs into that obstacle that didn't win and not only does he not have a new plasma television, his thumbs are history. That's what you get for giving to skateboarding, Sam.




ENTRY #723
9/02/05


Congratulations to Rudy and Pam Johnson who welcomed a lovely little (6 pounds, 7 ounces) girl into the world yesterday. Let's just hope she gets Pam's abs.

Do you think when Supra Pete was naming Supra he knew about the boat company called Supra? The Supra boat company has the motto, "A better wake, a better boat." I think that might be different form Pete's motto.
I discovered the Supra Boat company last night when I was working on lyrics for The Crail Band. Two songs so far, one about the DVS Wake Team called, "French Ben Cans" and another about our hero titled, "We got The Gav."

Buscemi called me last night to tell me that my column sucks and he doesn't read it anymore (How would you know it sucked if you don't read it?). He suggested that I switch to a different medium for a while so when I finish the water color of the girl trapped in a warehouse crying, I'll post it.
Here's what else Buscemi said:
*Jon doesn't like The Mez because ,"he's always trying to pick on me." Jon, isn't there some old saying from Long Island about being able to take what you dish out? I think Jon really likes The Mez but he sees that everyone else is really into The Mez so he's trying to not like him. You're only lying to yourself, Jon.
*Jon just got back from Magic in Vegas where he saw all kinds of new denim treatments. I think the one he saw the closest was that distressed denim process from a third rate stripper grinding on his lap.

The Gav has to go to a wedding tomorrow so he was dropping off his suit today that he wore to Scott's wedding, 3 months ago, at the dry cleaners. I guess that's not as raw as Rickk taking his suit that he wore to Ty's wedding, 9 months earlier, out of the closet and using Shout wipes to get the cupcake stains off it so he could wear it to Scott's wedding. They're both pretty raw.





ENTRY #722
9/01/05


I'm bringing back RICK, MIKE OR SPIKE, because Spike liked it. It's not a contest anymore, though. I'll just post the correct answer the next day. If I remember. Here we go.
1) Promised his girlfriend she could get a dog if she stopped smoking.
2) Thinks modern furniture is "out".
3) Once got drunk at a Wu Tang show in Tokyo and knocked a speaker on to someone's forehead.
If you want to bombard Sanger with guesses, go ahead but there's no prizes. And Sanger won't get bummed if he gets a bunch of stupid email, because we've changed our attitudes.

Guess who's birthday we missed the other day? Bob K! Can you believe it? If he still worked here, the Randoms would have looked like this:
BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K!
Happy Belated Birthday, Bob K. Glad you got a free steak dinner and a pumpkin pie. Just think how glad you are that you're gone from this place. If you had celebrated your birthday here, you would have gotten some sort of over frosted cupcake and some bad singing.

A calm peace has settled over The Tap headquarters. I thought someone had burnt lavender around the building and removed all the bad energy. Turns out it's just that Bird's out of town. Come back, Bird, it's starting to feel weird.

I have a pretty bad headache. I know yesterday I complained about a stomach ache so you probably don't want to hear about it. I'm trying to quit drinking Diet Coke. Frosty told me the other night that it has so much bad stuff in it, I'd be better off sniffing glue. So I bought one this morning, as I always do, at Carls Jr, but I only let myself have three drinks. So now I have a headache because I guess I'm addicted to Diet Coke. I'll keep you posted.




ENTRY #721
8/31/05


Happy Birthday, Rickoo!




ENTRY #720
8/30/05


To any and all of you that got a long message or had a long conversation yesterday with The Gav, he had a long drive to Vegas all alone so in a way, he used you. Don't feel bad, I got one too only to find out from Rickk the he got one, etc etc.

We've pulled the contest to help Lardog off the cigarettes. The stories were too sad and Tony said, "I guess I just like smoking". You can't argue with that logic.

What do you think it says about you and your friends when the wife of one of the friends would rather rub her husbands feet then have to hang out with the friends? Does that mean the friends might be harsh to be around? Or is Mrs The Mez not realizing the splendor of Rickk and The Gav wrestling on white carpet at 4:30 in the morning?

Time to go, I've been eating candy corn all day and my stomach hurts.




ENTRY #719
8/29/05


First off, Happy Birthday, The Gav. And thanks for eating the entire tub of sour cream on saturday night. I'm sure sure that will make for an awesome extra chin at the wedding. Love you, Timmy!

Now look, I get a lot of heat when I post emails but I already starting helping this guy so we need to see it through. Remember that guy, Pool, who needed advice about firing someone? Well, he's back, let's see what he has to say.

Ringer, I tried firing someone else for practice, but then I needed him to do work so I unfired him. Your advice was much more helpful, except I'm still completely screwed.
1. The other people who could
fire the QMM are not Canadian and worse passive-aggressive.
2. I work at one of those places where the supervisor has to document everything in letters to the employee. I am going to try the "suck it up and ignore" strategy and see if we can all hang in there.

Get it? "Hang in there."

My stomach issue is lame. I think I'm mostly being a hypochondriac what with my potential victim status not to mention the world being what it is. I don't have any other specific issues right now, so I tried to think of some standard ones that people might want to know the answers to:

— if there's a girl/guy I really like, what's a cool way to ask them out?
— what do I do if I get lost in the woods?
— what should I wear to the VMAs if I want to look like a Southern ho?
— should I go to college?
— is it healthy to have a secret identity?
— how do I do a kickflip?

Thanks for your help with my troubles. If you have any other ideas, let me know. I'll send you updates as appropriate (like if I'm still alive in a month, or if I start slipping lithium in the coffee).

—pool


Pool,
That sucks that there isn't a power tripping Canadian at your company to get the job done and get that Quiet Mass Murderer out of there. Lucky for us, we have one as an owner. For the right price, I will offer the guy a higher paying salary here at The Tap and then yank it out form underneath him once he gets here to start. Let me know.
Also, not sure if this might make you think The Tap has no street cred, but we too have to document everything in writing each time we discipline an employee. Brian Mettee (The Tap Production Chief) shot Peter Artiga (The Tap Sales Magician) in the face with a pellet of some sort and Greg Carroll (The Tap Head Butter) wrote him up within minutes. Brian hasn't shot anyone since.
Your stomach sounds like it might be from being a huge baby so get over it.
I decided to pick just one of your questions to answer:

— how do I do a kickflip? Answer: I have no fucking idea. The only trick I know is a Christ Air and that's only because when I watched the X-Games, I heard Tony Hawk say that was the trick that Danny Way just did. They showed it again in slow motion and now I know what it is. Good Luck with your life,

The Ringer




ENTRY #718
8/26/05


I think Hime tried to imply that my column has been sucking. Right, as if.

The Mez "organized" a small dinner for Mrs. The Mez' birthday and it only took 5 emails to get all the proper information to those people invited. The 4th email contained the last three digits of the street
address and the email following that contained the first digit of the street address. It's not a rave, Mez, just tell us who to get there, we're just going to eat some food. It does make you realize what a lucky lady Mrs. The Mez is, doesn't it?

Shnurr beat Rickk in racquetball last night. Nothing really to say about that other then Rickk saying, "I can't believe that out of shape load beat me again". That's how people feel when Shaq dunks on them, I think.

Email Sanger if you need advice from me about anything from old spark plugs to polo etiquette to what to wear to the VMA's this weekend.





ENTRY #717
8/25/05


Yesterday someone asked me for advice again. Well, sort of. Reda looked me in the eye and said, "Is Sal Barbier gay? I always see him walking those two small dogs with all this fly looking gear on in Hollywood". Reda then said, "Don't put that on The Tap, I like Sal". Why, Reda? Let's solve this, you're looking for answers and I have them. And Sal already hates me so we're good.

Reda, Reda, Reda. Silly little Reda. First you say The Mez is gay for endlessly listening to Bright Eyes, Rickk's gay for living by the beach, Koston's gay for daring to sport a tennis outfit to a wedding and now a grown man can't get decked out and enjoy his animals without you questioning his sexual orientation.
None of them are gay, Reda. But even if they were, wouldn't you still want to go get your favorite mocha latte extra frothy yummy coffee with one of them? Maybe even all of them? I think you would jump at the chance.

Come on people, ask me for more advice, I'm in heaven!




ENTRY #716
8/24/05


This is what I've always wanted my column to be, a place that just helps:

Hi Sanger,

Another one for the Ringer but now the readers are asking for help... what's the Ringer's suggestion for how you handle telling an employee that their performance sucks when the employee kind of seems like one of those quiet mass murderers? I want the "throw the pepper spray over the fence and run" answer. Not that I think the Ringer has any direct experience with the situation, but it must've entered into the equation at some point, right? I also have a question about my stomach, but I'll wait on that one.

Any help would be appreciated.

—pool

Pool,
First off, thanks for including enough typo's in your email to make it almost look like I wrote the letter to Sanger myself.
Sucky employees that are quiet mass murderers are one of the easiest things to deal with. You let them be. Simple as that. You don't want the legacy of your company to be that a crazed ex-employee hated you so much that he came back and killed a bunch of your sane employees. People won't talk about him being crazy, they'll talk about how much of a dick you, the boss, really are. And, worse yet, you're dead. Hire someone to do the job right and just suck up that 40K a year for that crazy bastard's salary.
I had to fire someone one time that wouldn't leave, he said, "No, I'm not fired." Rickk stepped in and said, "fuck that, he's fired," and went to the warehouse and made the guy leave. I wasn't bummed that Rick power tripped, or that the guy didn't take me seriously. I was bummed that Rickk's Canadian roots had him believing that guns were for hunting and that a guy that won't leave and continues to pack boxes once you've fired him is not really really crazy.
That guy hasn't come back to get us. YET! But when he does, he knows that I'm not the aggressive jerk that REALLY fired him. He might pistol whip me but it's Rickk that's going down.

Glad I could help, let me know what's up with your stomach.

Love you

The Ringer




ENTRY #715
8/23/05


No need to worry about that stuff with the devil getting a better deal. Good thing Sanger has email...

this one's for the ringer. just to clarify some bits for you; your bit about satan ruling hell is socially correct but actually incorrect in origin. satan doesn't rule hell nor does he live there. he's on earth trying to make God mad by leading his children astray. and here's the kicker, trust me i'm not making this up it comes from the same source that the concept of satan does(the Bible), satan gets thrown into hell with those people on judgement day. that's right, his time is coming, he'll burn right beside the bad little children. so that's the story, believe it or don't. but like the guy from star trek says "you don't have to take my word for it, read the book." now you know the things you never cared to, this is why you surround yourself w/ idiots.

(remember, it says satan is on earth and not to what capacity. so you might check Bird out closer or at least invite some kind of priest to your next meeting for an "intervention")

—Brian in Shanghai


Some guy named Zoltan Ric won the RICK, MIKE OR SPIKE contest from yesterday with his "SPIKE" guess and because we have to send the prize to Canada, the game is over. Nice work, Zoltan Ric. I had a good list for today and you ruined that for everyone. It's not like we don't love Canada but it involves filling out those little green forms that say what's in the package, just a little more work then this column pays me to do.

People keep asking me if I heard anything about The Gav's bachelor party. I've heard a few things, some complaints that there was no stripper show in the room and some story about throwing some gay guys shoes in the pool and then a girl punching Lee Dupont in the face. Or maybe I have it wrong and there were gay strippers and Lee punched a girl in the face? Whatever.

Well, here's a new contest and this one really sucks. It's called NO MORE CIGS FOR LARDOG. Send the saddest story you can think of someone you love not taking care of themselves and how it hurt your life. We're going to have Larson read them. If you can make him cry and quit smoking, you win a free deck.
(Is this an all time low?).




ENTRY #714
8/22/05


Don't you think it's kind of weird that The Devil is in charge in hell? It seems like if he ended up there for being a jackass, shouldn't he be getting burned by fire and not all in charge and stoked and into fire?

On Saturday I found out that if I have pepper spray in my hand and I come face to face with tweekers that are most likely looking to steal from me, I throw the pepper spray over the fence and run. Survival skills? For what?

I forgot that when I outlined the rules for RICKK, MIKE OR SPIKE who I was dealing with. Those lists of things were all about ONE person. All of you that sent in those emails to Sanger that said, "Ok, the first one has to be Mike, Rickk would never wear red pants...." stood as a strong reminder that I've surrounded myself with dumb people. We are the company we keep, right?.
So, it works like this: The things listed are all about one of the following people, RICKK, MIKE OR SPIKE and you win by guessing who all of those things are about.
For instance, on the 18th, those things listed were all about Spike. And on the 19th, those things listed were all about Rickk.
Today I am going to make a new list, they are all about one of the following people, RICKK, MIKE, OR SPIKE, when you email Sanger, put the date of the list that you are submitting your guess for as the subject of your email. Then list just the name in your email. OK? Here we go:

1. Cut his own hair for more then a decade
2. Thought Regal was a better name for Fourstar
3. Has a large photograph from a porno movie in his dining room

Good luck, stupid people.




ENTRY #713
8/19/05


The Hime won a 27" flat screen television at our sales meeting yesterday by asking the winning question, "Can I have that?" It's going in his bedroom, ladies. Not only will the Hime take you back to his pad, you can watch 411 while you make out.

Today's version of RICK, MIKE OR SPIKE....
1. Once posed in red jeans for the cover of an ASR magazine
2. Once posed in a pretty sketchy neighborhood wearing a bunch of Swatch watches for a fashion lay out.
3. Has no middle name.
First one to get it right gets a prize. Email Sanger. (Sorry Sanger).

Guess what Art Dumper is bringing a new little Art Dumper into the world? Here's a hint: LAKAI. That's right, The Mueller's are multiplying. Look for little Mueller right around a deadline that might not work for Bird.

The Gav's bachelor party officially started about....6 months ago?




ENTRY #712
8/18/05


Game Time! This one is called RICK, MIKE OR SPIKE? and it goes like this: I list three things and the first person to email Sanger with the correct name of the person that the three things apply to, wins!
Here's todays RICK, MIKE OR SPIKE?:
1. Once picked up a girl at a club, spent the night with her and then told her he was a fireman and had her drop him off at the Torrance Fire Department because his "shift was about to start."
2. Once held face down on gravel by a Torrance police officer for skating in the Toys R Us parking lot.
3. Ate cereal only for all three meals each day for almost a year.

Some guy named Vics emailed Sanger and asked, "Why in the hell is the Ringer allowed to post?" The column has really sucked lately, no denying that, but I have another job, Vics, and although I would love to have the time every day to not only post but in an entertaining way, reality doesn't always allow that. I also wish I had time to email sites that really get my goat, now that's the good life.

The Mez is gone until Monday, chosen as a judge for this years King of The Road competition. Might not mean much to you but for The Mez, that's like being asked to sit at the captain's table on The Love Boat. Next to Julie, if you know what I mean.

Instead of Camp Whatevs this year, we're going to Yosemite and staying in cabins. It had to do with Koston's "pampered ass." Representing DC this year instead of Buscemi is Paul Nett and his young son. (Takes a full grown man and a crying baby to make up for Jon not there).





ENTRY #711
8/17/05


HOLY TRIPLE YIPE CRIPES!




ENTRY #710
8/16/05


YIPES!




ENTRY #709
8/11/05


Some guy weighed in on the Zep vs. Skynyrd vs. The Rolling Stones with some stuff about his iPod and Jadakiss and "fuck all those old timers." So we're putting that whole thing to rest....

This is just how San Diego Larson is: He was at Canes one night to see The Atomic Punks. (For all of you that live in a modern society out of SD, Canes is a club in San Diego and The Atomic Punks are a Van Halen cover band).
Trevor Hoffman, the closing pitcher for the Padres, showed up at the show.
Larson considers that one of the "most perfect moments of my life".

Do you feel me fading? It's not you, it's me.




ENTRY #708
8/10/05


Jamie, the secretary with braces, puts her two cents in on Zep vs. Skynyrd but really only because her first wish in life is to get with Mick Jagger:

"
I resent that email from 'Farley' about how the Rolling Stones are 'a bunch of old geezer hacks roaming the country in search of their lost youth and underage chicks.' For starters, The Rolling Stones are on a far higher pedestal than that of Led Zepplin and Lynard Skynyrd. Shall we go into depth comparing these bands? I think so. L.S., sadly, needed the talents of 9 people to create the so called "good name" you speak of. I guess you can call it that if you're down for that hippie crap. Please, you don't think that one of the perks of being in a world-famous band is getting the hot chicks? For you to solely accuse the Rolling Stones of this is absolute nonsense. I think they paid their dues way before they started "searching for their youth" and way before L.S. and L.Z. were even brainchilds. They are one the only bands out there now who can still sell out arenas and stadiums because, 1. There are no pathetic replacements, 2. It doesn't take a bowl or 3 hits of acid to understand — or even like — their songs, and 3. The fact that 62 year-old Mick can still rock a woman's boat is damn applaudable!

"
Take your hippie music somewhere else man. You mess with the bull, you get the horns!"




ENTRY #707
8/09/05


The debate races on.....

Dear Crailtap,
"Can you even really call the current incarnation of Lynyrd Skynyrd the real Lynyrd Skynyrd? I freakin' doubt it! The real Skynyrd ended in 1977 with the plane crash that killed lead singer Ronnie Van Zant and Steve and Cassie Gaines. The current lineup features only 2 of the original members: Billy Powell and Gary Rossington. Egomaniac Gary Rossington even kicked out the original drummer Artemis Pyle showing he's not afraid to hand out Free Birds, Black Eyes or Walking Papers. Pyle was even the dude who climbed out of the swamp in '77 and got help for the survivors of the plane crash. Whatta goddamn shame. The current lineup an insult to the original good name of Skynyrd.

"On the other hand, you have Led Zep who only lost one original member. Sure, they might not be together anymore but at least they're not a bunch of geezer hacks roaming the country in search of their lost youth and underage chicks (like Faux-Skynyrd and the Rolling Stones). They knew when to hang it up and I can respect that. Plus, Zep's got the beats!"

—Farley




ENTRY #706
8/08/05


Elevator music or this column?

McCrank was supposed to win the X-Games and when he didn't we sent him home. We told him to think long and hard about his effort and if he truly put his heart in it.
We think after some reflection, he'll come back next year and win. And the year after that, too. And what the hell, the year after that as well.

Tired of Canadians? Well then why don't we have the Honorary Crail Irish Person today? Today that would be Pat O'Callaghan (name not made up). Pat was born in 1905 and lived to the ripe old age of 86. He was an olympic gold medalist in 1928 and 1932 for the hammer competition. But here's the crazy part; He was a doctor before he became an olympic athlete! He was banned from competing in the 1936 olympic games due to some political b.s.

If you're a true Skynyrd fan, which is all I have been hearing from anyone who saw the "poll" last week, you'll take your next vacation to Jacksonville Beach, Florida and visit the club that Ronnie VanZant's widow opened aptly titled, "Freebird."




ENTRY #705
8/05/05


Oakland Mike contacted us to let us know that the only reason he chose such a racy book to read for The Better Fucking Book Club was that he didn't think he could keep the interest of The Tappers if he read some piece of literary genius and then reported back. I think he called you all dumb.

Our warehouse manager, Tough Guy, beat River Joe, who is currently juicing, in a game of ping pong. The only reason that this is news is to point out that two people in our building have the names Tough Guy and River Joe and we have a steroid controversy in house. Pretty sweet, I think.

Time to go celebrate another year in paradise.




ENTRY #704
8/04/05


So you know how Paul Nett is my favorite DC employee and Lardog is just everyone's favorite of some sort? Well, they go and let me know that they are both part of a "Fantasy Football" league. I thought those were for dudes in the midwest that got snowed in their houses and had to do something to do while they're waiting for their wife/girlfirend to go to bed so they can watch more porn? I guess it's also for guys that seem totally functional from San Diego. Go BF66! (Yep, that's the name of their "team").

The Gav has formed what only has a working title at this point but it's called Club Drama. It has about 12 "actors" involved and Pat Lawlor is one of them. First script meeting is this week so when The Gav doesn't show because he double booked, I'll let you know who our new leader is. The vision of the club is to artistically portray real stories about real people and their struggles. And also to drink.

Let's say you want to buy a Lakai Crail t-shirt from Active on their mail order website. You go to their site and you order the t-shirt called CRAIL FILL, style number TLAOAA. You want to get the pink. Just take my word for it, PINK!

In about 28 minutes, McCrank better hope he's on some podium of some sort or we're watching his episode of SKATE all night. Personally, it's a win-win situation.




ENTRY #703
8/03/05


Dylan "Why Do Today What You Can Put Off Until the Contest Has Ended" Eastgaard, sent this in:

"Two dudes buying a boat together? The gayest name by far... KNOTTY BUOYS. I can picture them on their little boat with their little sailor suits. I hope it's not to late for their boat christening."

Dylan, you would have won, but the prize was already sent to some guy in Colorado. I think his name was Scott. Scott, if you read the above and think he truly should win, send the package back.


Once again, today when I was in a meeting with the guys that we are buying our new software program from, Jenkins eaves dropped and tried to get my attention from his office every time they said something lame. Of course, professional person that I am, I kept my head in the game. (Expect to hear a lot about this software, installation is 6 months).



This came from Oakland Mike, AKA The Oakland Pervert:

"Ringer, this is what I'm thinking of reading for the Better Fucking Book Report." —Oakland Mike

Read away, Mike. You're now Mikey's favorite person.


And last but not least, we can't put the Skynyrd/Zep controversy to bed just yet, I mean he does bring up the Gnar factor...

"Dude... No Brainer... it's Skynyrd... hands down, the answer isn't in the music... it becomes evident in photos of the band... not rocking shots, but posed shots... check out the Skynyrd one... look at how grizzled and haggard those guys look...gimme a break — they win... give them the deck.
Now look at the photo of Zeppelin I have selected... look at how "boy
bandy" they look... you can tell they get lots of ass, but I'm not into that... not to mention they are a bunch of ugly, dirty, bad-toothed brits, so I choose Lynyrd Skynyrd... they win on Gnar Factor... I respect Gnar. Peace," GregB.




ENTRY #702
8/02/05


Led Zeppelin or Lynard Skynyrd? The winner gets a free deck.




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