If your Fourstar road rep is irritable, anxious or not eating, just be patient.
I can't post Bird's costume, he's going out again tonight but he wasn't the guy you all emailed saying he was. There's more then one costume that requires a red beanie. Maybe he's going as one of the extra's from that movie with Jimmy Fallon and Drew Barrymore about the guy that was a crazed Boston fan (if I was The Mez, I would have looked up the name of the actual movie, he runs a tight ship over there in the Randoms).
I'm sure The Mez will be posting a Halloween photo gallery in the next day or so. He didn't post the Yosemite photo gallery yet because he's still mad that while we were at one with nature, he was at The Grove with his brother.
Every time we have a company lunch, The Mez over eats and then tells this joke: Carbs don't count when the foods free. He's hilarious.
Schnurr's been at The Hustler Casino for 24 hours. It's not a problem, Matt, totally a hobby. Just a hobby. Next time you tell me I'm "addicted to Gold's" keep in mind that the longest I've ever been there is 90 minutes and I'm neither "up" or "down" when I leave.
Happy Birthday to one of the Beastie Boys, Peter Jackson, John Candy and Charlene.
Oh, and Happy Halloween, too.
I don't want to give away Bird's Halloween costume but he spent two hours in the Del Amo mall yesterday trying to find a red beanie. Being in the Del Amo mall on a week day is like being in the midst of an arena that was rented out for a Bad Taste Competition and try outs for The Biggest Loser.
Whatever the costume is, he's dedicated to it.
That Star Trek guy came out of the closet, that's pretty cool.
Gold's Gym Update: My new Hip Hop aerobics friend left a note on the motorcycle of the Superman tattoo guy that she got down with and he just walked by us yesterday when we were doing cardio and goes, "sup" and kept walking. It didn't phase me but I guess after rolling around naked in a Manhattan Beach condominium with him while Steve Miller played on the stereo in the other room, she felt a little more pissed and called him "an arrogant fucker." The Superman t-shirts are supposed to tell you that, not getting dissed by him after you hump him.
They're having a special membership deal where you buy a year and they give you 6 months free, Gav? Kidding, I know you're busy in the snack aisle.
New Guy Michael liked his nickname because at his old job, some kid there called him Mike, The Worker Guy. Good thing he likes his new name because Mike The Worker Guy is what we call Mikey. When we hire Mike Burnett to be The Mez' assistant, his name is going to be Mike, The New Smart Worker Guy.
Mike Mihaly still remains Another Floridian that couldn't resist the lust of the So Cal Life (Should I go on?).
I just can't compete today.
Yesterday Emmet Jenkins stopped by in his baseball uniform selling candy for a school fund raiser. He had this sales pitch that he would read off the order form at the time of each sale. After I heard him read it three times I started saying, "wait, what is the money being raised for" and he would re-read the sales pitch. He's been around Girl for almost a decade, he's fair game.
Can people stop emailing me asking me if Spike owns the footage from Video Days? For some reason, when we hang out, I always forget to talk about skate videos with him. Isn't that weird?
Smyth has some rare wheels in his office. We talked about them, it was nice.
Gold's Gym Update! The good treadmill is broken, it needs a new belt. And my new friend that I met in Hip Hop aerobics humped the trainer that wears the Superman t-shirts. He also has a Superman tattoo that I have never seen but since my new friend saw him naked she told me about it. I was going to set her up with Hime but I thought he wouldn't like her because she was too straight laced but when you're randomly bedding down with dudes at the gym, not so much.
Bird, how's my track record looking at picking out "normal girls?"
The Mez, Callaway, Rickk, My Little Dumpling, Mueller and New Guy Michael (that's his new name) are all out of the office on a Fourstar shoot. Hope you guys have enough people there to get it done. Want me to send anyone else over?
Happy Belated Birthday, Spike. I heard someone smoked a really crazy joint in your honor in Yosemite. Probably Mike or Rickk.
Mez, easiest way to get Crankers to send something in is to remind him that we have his episode of SKATE on Tivo. "Don't want to tell you how to work your run..." Ring a bell, Rick?
Here's Bird's Top 5 quotes from Yosemite;
5. "You suck at life." To the guy that wouldn't get out of the fast lane on the 99
4. "Fucking genius." To Schnurr after he was sent to the store to get olive oil, butter and onions and returned with a deck of cards, two shot glasses and butter.
3. "That's right Buscemi, 42%." To some guy at DC
2. "That's what this car is built for, fuck it." To Rickk when faced with the decision to drive off the on-ramp, through some trees, off a curb and into traffic
(Ask him, he'll tell you).
How come Mihaly hasn't called to sell us some ads lately? I feel like buying ads.
I'm so bummed, I think I left my copy of High Times at the cabin in Yosemite. Lame.
Ben, here's that info you were looking for (The guy that thinks he no longer likes Ben because we played him out on The Tap needs to know that what Ben is living is a complicated overwhelming life, I think he will come full circle when he sees that it's not just dragons and lightning bolts Ben is dealing with. Ben has deeper struggles here).
I know it seems like I sort of stole Ben from The Mez but in exchange, I'm letting The Mez have Reda. and Schnurr. and Dave Burnett.
We were going to take bets on who comes back from Camp Whatevs with an LBT (lower back tat) but I think it's safe to say it won't be My Little Dumpling. Actually, My Little Dumpling should get a LST (lower stomach tat). That would be way more sexy and dangerous.
Have a nice weekend. No, really.
Imagine what it would be like being Ben Colen's girlfriend on Valentine's Day....
Last night The Mez hosted a poker game. I can't wait to find out where Mrs. The Mez was because she wasn't home, that's for sure.
Speaking of the Mez, there's been a changing of the guard for Friday. Brian Mettee is not able to be here so The Mez is in charge. Don't worry, he walks so slow, by the time he gets to your office it will be time to go home.
We're going on a trip to Yosemite for two days, so Rickk and Frosty are bringing the following:
bow and arrow
The beer and poker table will be the two things that get taken out of the car.
River Joe and Tough Guy Rich are now in charge of unclaimed Tupperware. Climb the latter, boys, you are the picture of success.
If you were the boss and one of your employees left this message on your cell phone after you had gone to sleep:
"I'm bored just drinking a forty and painting my nails to feel more girly, and I miss you."
You would promote them, right?
You, too, Jamie, are creeping up the corporate latter.
I spent all afternoon in the skatepark, so no column.
Last night I was going to call Bird when the Astros completely blew it, to tell him that I know how that feels because I saw the Lakers blow it a time or two, but I decided to just bake him cookies instead. But when I emailed him to see if he was coming over to our building (Podium is just down the street from us) he said something lame about me giving him shit about the Astros. Then I called him "fuckface" and told him I would bring the cookies down to him. How about that friendship?
There's a place on Artesia Blvd in Torrance called "Tatoff." It's a laser removal place for tattoos. Say maybe you get a symbol that is supposed to be something in Chinese but it ends up looking like the Red Dragons sword, you just call "Tatoff" make an appointment and they clean you up. Or maybe you get the Hollywood sign.... never mind, I think you get what they do at their facility.
You know what's lame? I got an email today from someone saying that they used to like Ben Colen but that I ran him into the ground. Sorry, Ben. The Tap can make or break a man.
Mikey, it's spelled "confirming" not "conferming". See you in Yosemite.
On Friday, October 21, 2005, Brian Mettee will be in full charge of Girl. When asked to keep his best "asshole attitude out and ready" he comforted me with the fact that he never puts it away. He's a keeper.
You know why The Mez will be sick if The Gav is ever sick? Because for the most part, The Mez can be found in two places; on The Gav's left or on The Gav's right.
In case you were wondering, Ben always goes with Future/Fantasy when purchasing a new cape.
I have a flip phone and the top part that flips up is about to break off. I've never seen anyone else's flip phone break, does that mean I'm extremely popular? Wow.
Ben, they only go up to a size 6X/7, which would be a tight fit, but maybe you can wear them under your cape.
Are you checking my column today to see if I posted that quote about you being a genius? Maybe I'll wait until after my birthday and see if my gift is good enough and then I'll decide if and when to put it up.
One more thing, 12 years ago, before this wonderful company was part of my life, I would be afraid to use the word "gnarly" in a conversation. But somehow I just used it on the phone with our attorney. Good to see myself evolve, feeling proud.
Oh and one more thing, Tough Guy Rich and River Joe gave me an Angels hat, since I'm a fan now and it turns out that they got it as a free gift when they ordered warehouse supplies. And to think I was just about to buy them both matching Sea Doo's.
Oh and then this, Rickk said that the crappy looking New Era style that I complained about was the collaboration of Mikey and Mettee. Lame for them.
If you had spent all last fall, as Ben Colen did, hand making wands
for all your D&D crew, you too would love this
site for the holiday season.
[I think the correct term for a D&D "crew" would be a "horde", "drove" or "fraternity." -editor]
Still an Angel's fan. Are they the Los Angeles Angels or the Anaheim
Yesterday our Talent Manager, in an effort to swindle my new Treo away
from me, told me that the screen on his cell phone burnt out and he
was trying to order pizza and ended up on a porn line. The guy is good!
Way to score the Treo AND cover your ass when the phone bill comes.
Sometimes the Talent Manager is the talent.
Don't want to scare anyone but I had a dream last night that there was
a huge earthquake. Like buildings falling and stuff. Sorry.
Did you know that Britney and her "husband" made a sex tape
and they're scared it might get leaked out? Who would have guessed?
I mean, she's so smart and such a good decision maker and he's not a
manipulative and totally careless asshole. So weird. Mikey, send it
over when you get it, I know you're in some special porn association
where you get everything rush delivered to you.
Golds Gym Update! I took a yoga class over the weekend and the teacher
said, while we were trying to "clear our minds", "imagine
you are high in the air, floating so high, safe and floating" and
I thought of that big ramp at the X-Games. Was I not meditating properly?
Oh, wait, I'm just lame, that's it.
I know everyone loves it when I do this so look at the letter I got;
reading the Tap today, instead of working on designing ads, you wrote:
"…I'd talk shit about it but there is a good chance back
when I was lost in loving The Lakers that I got excited about them wearing
I remember the days when it was nothing but Kobe, Shaq, & Phil on
the site. Now, because Shaq is gone and the Lakers suck, does that mean
the Lakers are no longer cool? Who are you gonna "root" for
now? Lebron and the Cavs? Washington? Or egads, Utah?
Yes, it is true, now that Shaq is gone, The Lakers suck, but maybe you
took a break from reading my column. I don't hate the Lakers because
Shaq isn't here, I hate them because Kobe is. He's a fucker and although
I have managed to cheer in the stands for other previous fuckers (Eldon
Campbell, Gary Peyton, Glen Rice) he has managed to out fucker everyone.
It's one thing to hump a hotel employee, it happens, but you don't throw
your friends under the bus when the police are questioning you because
she doesn't feel it was a mutual hump.
And Phil Jackson is a bummer, too. You don't write a book calling someone
"uncoachable" only to come back and coach them for 5 million
And lastly, my new friend Rob, don't use the word "egads"
it not only sounds lame, it looks lame. You tell me who to root for,
Rob, and I'll get right on it after the Angel game tonight. Did I mention
I'm an Angels fan now? Maybe even a White Sox fan but I won't know for
about another 5-7 games.
If you're of the Jewish dissent, call Mihaly to buy some ads. He's got
some humor that will just bowl you over.
If you have any important issues to go over with Tony Larson or Paul
Nett, you're going to need to handle that before 6PM tonight. There's
a Chargers/Steelers game on and The Chargers are wearing their old "throwback"
uniforms. I'd talk shit about it but there is a good chance back when
I was lost in loving The Lakers that I got excited about them wearing
"throwback" uniforms. (I'm putting "throwback" in
quotes because it's such a gay word, I want to make sure people don't
think I'm really "using" it).
A note to Club Crap (The guys that shit their pants: The Mez, Rickk,
Mikey and Scott). Might not be a bad idea to put a survival kit in your
car. Maybe a clean pair of boxers, a few glad bags, some toilet paper
and some wet wipes. I saw Rickk break every driving law in California
over the weekend. And after he made it to a Burger King, he said, "one
exit makes all the difference in the world." Or maybe just wear
My column was pretty informational today, right? I was going to write
something about the Bird Flu and the mandatory vaccination the government
is talking about and how they are scaring everyone into thinking that
it's like the germs the aliens couldn't handle in War of The Worlds
and then I remembered Rickk said we were getting too political. Whatever
I liked that The Mez didn't try to claim EA as everyone's little dumpling,
he knew that he was only My Little Dumpling. And speaking of My Little
Dumpling, he called someone a scoundrel yesterday.
He uses total grandpa words.
I realized yesterday that our company has a lot of "emo" going
on. The Mez has some deep emo, Jenkins, Mueller and My Little Dumpling
are pretty emo packed and Rick has some sprinklings of emo with his
messenger bag and heavy Echo and The Bunnymen rotation in his CD's.
Or are we just gay?
I guess you all know by now that it was Scott Jonhston that hopped aboard
Team Shit along with The Mez, Rickk and Mikey. I know, I know, there
are no known stories of Mikey crapping his pants but think about it.
All the weird stuff this guy is into and that's just the stuff we know
about? You know at some point he was with some freak that thought it
would be cute if he crapped his pants. Right? So, it's the four of them
I hope all of you people that didn't book enough of Mikey's Fourstar
Carroll Pant know how much landscaping costs. When he's short a few
palm trees I hope you're happy.
Ben Colen is done looking for his Halloween
I like how Meza adds little features to his column and then runs them
into the ground after a while. It's very street.
I was going to try and do a contest where I listed a bunch of things
that you had to gather, like a scavenger hunt, and then whoever sends
all the stuff on the list in first wins a signed deck or a box of junk
out of someone's office or a personal water craft but I started to make
the list and just said, "forget it."
We were picking the date for our holiday party yesterday and Rickk said
we have to have a party AND an after party. Can't we just do what we
always do and have the dinner and then go to some horrible club in Hollywood
that The Gav knows everyone at and just consider that the after party?
Or did Rickk mean another party after the horrible club phase of the
night? Let me know and I'll make all your party wishes come true.
Yesterday I heard President Bush say that we were responsible for the
recent "seeds of freedom that have been planted in Iraq."
I've never heard bombs called seeds, interesting.
Our talent manager got a really nice compliment from Rickk today and
those are very rare. I think it's safe to say that Rickk is going to
eventually let out talent manager run the whole place. And then his
title would be Talent Master.
Buscemi, can you forecast the end of the New Era trend? Thanks buddy.
I'm not doing DVS Wake Team updates anymore. I still like Tornado or
Hurricane or whatever they call him and I really like French Ben Cans
but it's too hard to keep up with the wake scene. They can hold a contest
in the south of France or a man made lake in Kentucky. It's too much
To make up for that, I will be doing Gold's Gym updates. So far The
Gav has not been back. He says it's too hard to get there. (It's a 4
minute bike ride from his house so I'm sure you can see the problem).
I know if Mikey lived in the South Bay he would join. I would just tell
him that he had to and then he would. Schnurr will join as soon as they
put the slot machines in.
Yesterday this girl was talking to me while we were on the stairmaster
and she said it sucks to be a girl because there are so many parts of
your body you have to worry about keeping in shape. Like your ass, your
abs, your legs. She said guys don't have that pressure. It's true, Frosty
isn't out of shape but he was just born with a big ass. But he doesn't
care and never has. He'll even brag about it.
I comforted my new stairmaster friend by telling her that the mafia
doesn't kill girls and that's a cool thing that guys don't get a pass
on. But then she said, "well what about that chick on The Soprano's
that is now on that show Joey?" so I told her I'm talking about
old school mafia. Dummy!
Larson sent Jenkins and I this long email yesterday about his fantasy
football league. I figured out what he's doing now. He wants to get
fired so he can collect unemployment and do that football crap with
all his time instead of just on Sunday. One more email, Tone and we
have a deal.
Ever just feel like strolling over to The Mez' office and singing a
song from Grease Two to him? Try it, you just might like his response.
At the Mueller Ping Pong festival on Saturday night, River Joe took
the gold! It was an awesome victory considering he went up against a
serial ass grabber in the finals. Good work, River Joe!
Our Talent Manager is currently with some of the Girl talent in Canada.
They were involved in some sort of a contest (if you want real names
of stuff, check the Randoms) and our Talent Manager won some money.
I'm pretty sure he's become an agent and he's not telling us. Sam? Anything
you want to tell us?
Weird, it's already Monday morning and we still haven't gotten the "POKER
NIGHT AT RICKK'S" email. Schnurr must be tied up at Hustler this
morning. Do they have cots there if you want to spend the night? I heard
the brunch there is killer. (I borrowed that word "killer"
Gav also says, "bitchin'" sometimes as an adjective. He moved
to the beach, what do you want?
Saturday I got a ticket for parking in the red zone and when I came
out to my car, the guy was printing the ticket out of one of those little
hand held ticket giver things and he said, "bad idea to park in
the red". And I said, "Not if I'm part of a scavenger hunt
and the last item I needed was a parking ticket". And then I called
my sister and we laughed so hard I had to pull the car over. Pretty
cool, right? To be able to crack yourself up? It's pretty nice.
Mikey told me to make sure I keep the ban on MySpace to which Diamond
Nick replied, "chill." OK, Nick, I'll chill. Sorry for trying
to keep the lights on. Let's try it your way for a while. And MySpace
is still banned.
Birds on a flight to New York right now. Just giving a heads up to New
York. You'll probably hear him once he gets to the airport but just
in case, you were warned.
I told you.
There's a poker game tonight and it's not at Rickk's, MATT! So hopefully
Matt checks The Tap before he gels up, puts his sport coat on and jumps
in the Acura.
Nothing, that's what I have today.
Phil Jackson was on the news last night defending his choice to return
to The Lakers and the, as he wrote in is own book, "uncoachable
Kobe Bryant." He was saying that if you read the last three chapters,
you'll see that he tells how he and Kobe were becoming closer during
the playoffs. Really Phil? I would bet there are three paragraphs in
your contract that would make this all make way more sense and one of
them contains the words "5 million dollars." Too bad that
"nolakers" hilarious email address is already taken, I'd pay
top dollar for that thing.
I found out today that the three or four nights a week that a stripper
in a club serves drinks rather then dancing is when she has her period.
I know I should think that's gross but that's good business management
on behalf of the strip club owner. Maybe Larson should run this place,
he probably has tons of little business tips like that.
Speaking of Larson, he's an uncle again, his brother had a baby. This
all made Tony want a baby so if you know of any, let us know. He drives
a Volvo. What else does he need?
3 more days until Bri Bri's back. That's if you don't count the weekend
which we can't, it's just too painful. For each and everyone one of
Lots of Wizards, very soon!
You know how we all want to be like The Mez? Not sober and really into
snacks, we want our columns like his. Well check out the Top 5 Crystal
Meth Anonymous meetings around the country:
1. Crystal Clear (Omaha, NE)
2. Tweak Enders (Washington, DC)
3. Life After Meth (St Cloud MN)
4. The Last Straw (Douglasville, GA)
5. Mid Week, No Tweak (Washington, DC)
I know I'll have a 6 and 7 for you tomorrow because Carnalag and My
Little Dumpling grew up in Yucca, which I believe is the meth lab capitol
of the world.
Just like I'm saying to myself, "Four more days until Bri Bri is
back" about our Production Manager extroidinaire, Brian Mettee,
other people around the building are saying, "Fucking only four
more days until that bitch is back." Sucks to be a hater.
Our talent manager was trying to weasel out of a trip to Canada by acting
like he has the sniffles and saying, "every time I fly, I get some
sort of sickness." Come on, Sam, as if I've never been the employee
and was always the boss. That's the oldest trick in the book. Get your
Sudafed and pack your bag, you're going to Canada.
You know what's really cool? When Rickk comes into my office on his
cell phone and keeps saying "Shhhh" every time I get a call.
Here's an idea, take that call in the parking lot or maybe even in your
own office or maybe in the office of someone that thinks it's cute when
you do stuff like that. (Actually, that was three ideas, try all of
Larson did the Randoms on Friday and Monday.
Over the weekend, I took my good friend Bird into the bathroom where
we could speak in private and said to him, "Bird, just this one
time don't be "that guy." Don't go make out with that random
chick that you are going to feel weird seeing at the next party someone
had." He looked back at me with both eyes crossed and said, "Right,
I should pull it together." And he did. He sat on the curb for
an hour waiting for a cab and then Team Jefferson gave a solo Bird a
ride to his hotel.
Might not mean anything to you but Bird passing up a drunken make out
is a turning point for all of us.
I didn't blame the recent hurricanes on Bush and Cheney as someone emailed
me complaining about. I simply said how lucky for Halliburton that they
are always right there to patch up destruction. Cronyism and corruption
are the new black.
Kareem Abdul Jabar was on TV last night trying to get the LA fans pumped
for the new season and the result is tons of season seats still available.
Jenkins cell phone bill on the average is 1/10 of what Rickk's is. Jenkins,
you need to talk to Rickk and find out the secret to his social butterfly
At lunch I'm going to work on changing my voice mail on my cell phone
because Bird said the greeting sounded "sort of abrupt."
When The King of Abrupt tells you you sound abrupt, you're abrupt.
(We're only referring to Bird as Bird from now on, not Kelly. Kelly
is Tim's wife. Make a note of that).
Yesterday when that Jet Blue plane had problems with it's landing gear
and was circling the airport to use up it's fuel in the event that it
had to crash land, Rickk remembered Mikey was going to be getting on
a Jet blue flight in the next few days. He said, "Should I call
him and bum him out." I reminded Rickk that that is Bird's job
and no one does it better.
Brian Mettee AKA, The Glue of our corporation has left for Japan. The
following things could and probably will happen while he's gone:
• The manager of our woodshop will get nine days of no one screaming
at him on the phone.
• Mikey won't be able to get any special boards and will ask
why Mettee gets to go on vacation.
• Rickk will not have to say, "Brian pissed me off today"
for nine days.
• The Mez will focus more on picking on Diamond Nick.
• Anyone from outside our company or team that skates the park
won't get the total stink eye.
I miss him already.
Our Talent Manager used the phrase "bounce some ideas" in
an email to me. Come back, Sammy, please?
Did you know that earlier this month DVS wake skater, Benji Cans, won
the Toulouse Wakeskate Cup? He did. And now he's moving to Bali to be
a part of some wake skate school.
That's right, wake skate updates from now on!
Sometimes you just gotta bypass The Mez and give out Top 5's without
his permission. The man that made social anxiety chic and just put a
swimming pool in his own backyard, Andy Jenkins.
Top 5 people
1. You know who you are…
Top 5 motocrossers
1. Ricky Carmichael (the GOAT)
2. James Stewart
3. Bob Hannah
4. David Baily
5. Kevin Windham
Top 5 graphics
1. The Smiley face
2. I Heart New York
3. Any graphic skull treatments
4. The Love Park sculpture
5. The Honda “Wing”
Top 5 places to NOT eat in Torrance
1. Mimi’s Café (I found Saran Wrap in my salad)
2. The Dairy just down the street (soggy day-old sandwhiches)
3. Del Taco (applies to anywhere in the world)
4. The Girl kitchen
5. The Roach Coach
Top 5 things about Pedro
1. It’s not Hollywood
2. The ocean front
3. My house & family
4. The Omelette and Waffle Shop
5. Charles Bukowski is buried there
Top 5 websites to ban
1. Anything involving amputation fetishes
2. Anything involving Calais or other vanity drugs
3. Google (single handedly killing the reference sections of libraries)
4. eBay (killing the yardsale)
5. MySpace… Jesus, get a life, people
Top 5 typos in your career
1.Spelling “company” “compNAy” on a shit
load of Girl stickers
2. Leaving Rudy’s name off a team ad causing an uproar of rumors
3. Spelling Jeron Wilson “Jerson” Wilson
4. Spelling Pappalardo’s name wrong on his first ever graphic
5. Still not know if it’s “you are” welcome, or “your
Today we had to go the power trip route and ban MySpace from our employees
here at The Tap. They did it over at Podium and if we ever want a big
red camper like them, we gotta get serious.
Here were the Top Five responses when notified of the ban:
1. How are we supposed to get laid when we go to Tampa?
3. Does this mean Nick won't be coming in anymore?
4. Good, tell all those fucking slackers to get to work!
5. I guess that means I have to take down my "Gay but don't like
man sex" profile.
And then of course, Larson acted like he didn't know what it was. Really
Tone? How'd you meet Paul Nett?
When we pull ads, adjust our travel budget or increase someone's salary,
the following people meet to make that decision:
The Talent Manager
But then when someone has to take the hit for the decision, we bring
in a Ringer. If you know what I mean.
It's the count down to The Gav's big day and he needs someone to take
care of his cats. Yep, The Gav has cats. So does The Hime. They must
have been giving them away at the door of clubs in most of 2003.
Anyway, if you want to take care of Tim's cats, send
Sanger an email and tell him why we should trust you with Coco and
Chanel. Just kidding, those aren't his cats names, those are his hampster's
names. His cats are Trey and Sammy. (Sammy may just go by The Talent
Manager now, I know that happened here).
Go ahead email Sanger, he loves
it when I encourage you to do that.
The storm last night brought so much water in to our warehouse that
we had to have sand bags put in place. I think we are at least coming
close to keeping it real.
I wasn't "jet setting in NY", I had a UN meeting to attend.
Oh, and I found out, everything's fine in the world so go back to worrying
about other stuff.
Rickk said he saw Tremaine this weekend and said, "he looks really
huge". I said, "I know, he got fat" and Rickk said, "no,
he's all cut and buffed out". Maybe Rickk didn't see Tremaine this
When I was in high school there was this one coach that was a total
pervert. He used to act like he was talking to the women's coach at
the office of the women's locker room but he would really be watching
the girls in the showers. I saw him this morning at the dry cleaners,
staring at the boobs of the girl that works there and he's still a pervert.
Sorry Mikey, looks like you don't grow out of it.
Our Talent Manager, Smyth, had to take today off because he spent the
weekend with the talent in Kansas City.
Looks like it's official, there is no need anymore to keep it real.
Credit Claiming is the new pink.
I have a pretty comfortable couch in my office and if you don't believe
me, ask The Gav. We had a meeting this morning and you can still see
the imprint from his ass and smoothy residue where he laid while he
used big words incorrectly. Yeah, he's the VP of DVS, why?
Here's the rules for the poker game at Rickk's on Friday night: STAY
IN THE GARAGE.
Is it sort of hypocritical to make fun of The Mez and his Bright Eyes
fantasy if I'm listening to Dido on repeat on the tread mill at the
gym? I didn't think so. Speaking of the gym, I almost set Bird up with
this girl that takes hip hop aerobics with me because Bird is into that
sort of thing but when she changed in the locker room, she had a devils
tail tattoed around her leg and it started in her butt crack. He draws
the line at the LBT.
Time to go, someone needs their pacifier.
Rickk and Jenkins traded cars today. I wonder if they will take on each
other's personalities. Like Andy would start being heavy handed and
slapping people on the back way too hard and Rickk would only come out
of his office to get coffee, a Snicker's or to go home. That would be
weird in a funny way. Or maybe not weird or funny at all.
Two of my sister's read this column and Hime called one of them a bitch
yesterday. One of my sister's has never even met Hime so the other sister
that reads this column but isn't a detective might be able to figure
out that Hime called her a bitch. Depending on when the server gets
rolling, Hime is going to have one angry young lady to deal with.
Last night at dinner, The Gav wasn't that hungry so he only ordered
the following: Lettuce wraps, ribs, wontons, some weird pork wrapped
in slimy dough and a platter of rice fried with chicken, shrimp and
The cute guy walking down the aisle with the lovely Kelly is not Junior
Seau, it's Timmy.
Too late for lipo, Tim, you can't be active for about three weeks afterwards.
You way rather be chunky and able to dance then thin and on the sidelines.
Do you think Buscemi checks Crail on his honeymoon? Of course he does.
Jon, call up. We're thinking about knocking Paul Nett into the second
spot of our favorite people at DC so that would know you to 12th.
Does anyone or anyone you know want a trade show booth? Contact Sanger.
You have to pay for transportation of it so if you live in Canada, think
about the duty on something like this.
If no one wants it, Gav, guess what you and Kelly are getting as a wedding
So I heard the Crail band on Friday. They're pretty good but they're
about to get better. The Gav auditioned for Rickk on Saturday so he's
on tambourine now. The audition went sort of like this:
The Gav: "Can I be in the band?"
Rickk: "You're tambourine!"
As you can see, only the best for this act. Look for the first effort
in the coming months.
I was going to tell you about how The Gav has a great limo service he
uses and how they got us lost for the second time on the way to a wedding
and how I missed my reading at a wedding but Bird sent out his own style
of press release and I hate to be redundant.
Rudy was asking why he is never in this column. Same reason Alex Parker,
Ben Colen and Mike Burnett aren't. You belong to The Mez.
Spike didn't like that I posted his "wish list" on The Tap.
Sorry Spike. Sorry that you're a total baby.
Tomorrow's the big day, Buscemi! Koston's Game of Skate!
Here's Spike's wish list from the new catalog. Make note of how he feels
about argyle, Mike Carroll and Marc Johnson:
• girl argly belts. Both colors
• girl argyle socks. Six of those and then a variety of whatever
other socks we have in. ( I need socks. And I love the argyle ones)
• crail key chains
• a striped wallet?
• mike carrol grip.
• marc johnson deck. (big choco logo if pos)
• choc red square wheels
• choc new chunk beenie
• choc striped web belt
• choc gloves
• choc tattoos
• 4 star ipod case
Well, there was more to write but as usual an asshole pissed me off.
I'm pretty sure Carnalag is trying to get a promotion. He just emailed
me and it said, "I might get drunk and puke all over myself."
This place is oozing with self esteem.
Looks like when Mrs. The Mez leaves town, The Mez garages the Mustang
and cruises all over LA in her Saab like a teenage girl. That's gross,
Today The Gav used two three syllable words in a Lakai meeting correctly.
God Bless ASR.
Diamond Nick cleaned his office. Or for all the playas' that follow
Nick's life, he paid someone to clean it. Diamond Nick don't clean!
But his office looks great and it makes him look thinner.
Bird was on an international flight and the girl next to him asked him
to explain third party software and he did. Seems like this wouldn't
or shouldn't be news but the old Bird could have easily punched her
in the face. Nice progress, Kel.
The Gav called Rudy and asked why he wasn't mentioned in his Top 5's.
Looks like someone got bit by the insecurity bug. That must be what
made his head and face swell.
Oh my gosh! You're kidding me? Halliburton got some of the largest re-building
contracts for the Gulf coast? Wow, Dick Cheney is the luckiest boy in
Um, can someone tell me how Smyth is supposed to manage the team and
do Real World updates when his thumbs don't work anymore? That's right,
he poured his heart, soul and thumbs into that obstacle that didn't
win and not only does he not have a new plasma television, his thumbs
are history. That's what you get for giving to skateboarding, Sam.
Congratulations to Rudy and Pam Johnson who welcomed a lovely little
(6 pounds, 7 ounces) girl into the world yesterday. Let's just hope
she gets Pam's abs.
Do you think when Supra Pete was naming Supra he knew about the boat
company called Supra? The Supra boat company has the motto, "A
better wake, a better boat." I think that might be different form
I discovered the Supra Boat company last night when I was working on
lyrics for The Crail Band. Two songs so far, one about the DVS Wake
Team called, "French Ben Cans" and another about our hero
titled, "We got The Gav."
Buscemi called me last night to tell me that my column sucks and he
doesn't read it anymore (How would you know it sucked if you don't read
it?). He suggested that I switch to a different medium for a while so
when I finish the water color of the girl trapped in a warehouse crying,
I'll post it.
Here's what else Buscemi said:
*Jon doesn't like The Mez because ,"he's always trying to pick
on me." Jon, isn't there some old saying from Long Island about
being able to take what you dish out? I think Jon really likes The Mez
but he sees that everyone else is really into The Mez so he's trying
to not like him. You're only lying to yourself, Jon.
*Jon just got back from Magic in Vegas where he saw all kinds of new
denim treatments. I think the one he saw the closest was that distressed
denim process from a third rate stripper grinding on his lap.
The Gav has to go to a wedding tomorrow so he was dropping off his suit
today that he wore to Scott's wedding, 3 months ago, at the dry cleaners.
I guess that's not as raw as Rickk taking his suit that he wore to Ty's
wedding, 9 months earlier, out of the closet and using Shout wipes to
get the cupcake stains off it so he could wear it to Scott's wedding.
They're both pretty raw.
I'm bringing back RICK, MIKE OR SPIKE, because Spike liked it. It's
not a contest anymore, though. I'll just post the correct answer the
next day. If I remember. Here we go.
1) Promised his girlfriend she could get a dog if she stopped smoking.
2) Thinks modern furniture is "out".
3) Once got drunk at a Wu Tang show in Tokyo and knocked a speaker on
to someone's forehead.
If you want to bombard Sanger
with guesses, go ahead but there's no prizes. And Sanger won't get bummed
if he gets a bunch of stupid email, because we've changed our attitudes.
Guess who's birthday we missed the other day? Bob K! Can you believe
it? If he still worked here, the Randoms would have looked like this:
BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K,
BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K,
BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K,
BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K,
BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K,
BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K, BOB K!
Happy Belated Birthday, Bob K. Glad you got a free steak dinner and
a pumpkin pie. Just think how glad you are that you're gone from this
place. If you had celebrated your birthday here, you would have gotten
some sort of over frosted cupcake and some bad singing.
A calm peace has settled over The Tap headquarters. I thought someone
had burnt lavender around the building and removed all the bad energy.
Turns out it's just that Bird's out of town. Come back, Bird, it's starting
to feel weird.
I have a pretty bad headache. I know yesterday I complained about a
stomach ache so you probably don't want to hear about it. I'm trying
to quit drinking Diet Coke. Frosty told me the other night that it has
so much bad stuff in it, I'd be better off sniffing glue. So I bought
one this morning, as I always do, at Carls Jr, but I only let myself
have three drinks. So now I have a headache because I guess I'm addicted
to Diet Coke. I'll keep you posted.
Happy Birthday, Rickoo!
To any and all of you that got a long message or had a long conversation
yesterday with The Gav, he had a long drive to Vegas all alone so in
a way, he used you. Don't feel bad, I got one too only to find out from
Rickk the he got one, etc etc.
the contest to help Lardog off the cigarettes. The stories were too
sad and Tony said, "I guess I just like smoking". You can't
argue with that logic.
What do you
think it says about you and your friends when the wife of one of the
friends would rather rub her husbands feet then have to hang out with
the friends? Does that mean the friends might be harsh to be around?
Or is Mrs The Mez not realizing the splendor of Rickk and The Gav wrestling
on white carpet at 4:30 in the morning?
Time to go,
I've been eating candy corn all day and my stomach hurts.
First off, Happy Birthday, The Gav. And thanks for eating the entire
tub of sour cream on saturday night. I'm sure sure that will make for
an awesome extra chin at the wedding. Love you, Timmy!
Now look, I get a lot of heat when I post emails but I already starting
helping this guy so we need to see it through. Remember that guy, Pool,
who needed advice about firing someone? Well, he's back, let's see what
he has to say.
I tried firing someone else for practice, but then I needed him to do
work so I unfired him. Your advice was much more helpful, except I'm
still completely screwed.
1. The other people who could
fire the QMM are not Canadian and worse passive-aggressive.
2. I work at one of those places where the supervisor has to document
everything in letters to the employee. I am going to try the "suck
it up and ignore" strategy and see if we can all hang in there.
Get it? "Hang in there."
My stomach issue is lame. I think I'm mostly being a hypochondriac what
with my potential victim status not to mention the world being what
it is. I don't have any other specific issues right now, so I tried
to think of some standard ones that people might want to know the answers
if there's a girl/guy I really like, what's a cool way to ask
what do I do if I get lost in the woods?
what should I wear to the VMAs if I want to look like a Southern
should I go to college?
is it healthy to have a secret identity?
how do I do a kickflip?
Thanks for your help with my troubles. If you have any other ideas,
let me know. I'll send you updates as appropriate (like if I'm still
alive in a month, or if I start slipping lithium in the coffee).
That sucks that there isn't a power tripping Canadian at your company
to get the job done and get that Quiet Mass Murderer out of there. Lucky
for us, we have one as an owner. For the right price, I will offer the
guy a higher paying salary here at The Tap and then yank it out form
underneath him once he gets here to start. Let me know.
Also, not sure if this might make you think The Tap has no street cred,
but we too have to document everything in writing each time we discipline
an employee. Brian Mettee (The Tap Production Chief) shot Peter Artiga
(The Tap Sales Magician) in the face with a pellet of some sort and
Greg Carroll (The Tap Head Butter) wrote him up within minutes. Brian
hasn't shot anyone since.
Your stomach sounds like it might be from being a huge baby so get over
I decided to pick just one of your questions to answer:
how do I do a kickflip? Answer: I have no fucking idea. The only
trick I know is a Christ Air and that's only because when I watched
the X-Games, I heard Tony Hawk say that was the trick that Danny Way
just did. They showed it again in slow motion and now I know what it
is. Good Luck with your life,
I think Hime tried to imply that my column has been sucking. Right,
The Mez "organized" a small dinner for Mrs. The Mez' birthday
and it only took 5 emails to get all the proper information to those
people invited. The 4th email contained the last three digits of the
address and the email following that contained the first digit of the
street address. It's not a rave, Mez, just tell us who to get there,
we're just going to eat some food. It does make you realize what a lucky
lady Mrs. The Mez is, doesn't it?
Shnurr beat Rickk in racquetball last night. Nothing really to say about
that other then Rickk saying, "I can't believe that out of shape
load beat me again". That's how people feel when Shaq dunks on
them, I think.
Email Sanger if you need advice from
me about anything from old spark plugs to polo etiquette to what to
wear to the VMA's this weekend.
Yesterday someone asked me for advice again. Well, sort of. Reda looked
me in the eye and said, "Is Sal Barbier gay? I always see him walking
those two small dogs with all this fly looking gear on in Hollywood".
Reda then said, "Don't put that on The Tap, I like Sal". Why,
Reda? Let's solve this, you're looking for answers and I have them.
And Sal already hates me so we're good.
Reda, Reda, Reda. Silly little Reda. First you say The Mez is gay for
endlessly listening to Bright Eyes, Rickk's gay for living by the beach,
Koston's gay for daring to sport a tennis outfit to a wedding and now
a grown man can't get decked out and enjoy his animals without you questioning
his sexual orientation.
None of them are gay, Reda. But even if they were, wouldn't you still
want to go get your favorite mocha latte extra frothy yummy coffee with
one of them? Maybe even all of them? I think you would jump at the chance.
Come on people, ask me for more advice, I'm in heaven!
This is what I've always wanted my column to be, a place that just helps:
Another one for the Ringer but now the readers are asking for help...
what's the Ringer's suggestion for how you handle telling an employee
that their performance sucks when the employee kind of seems like one
of those quiet mass murderers? I want the "throw the pepper spray
over the fence and run" answer. Not that I think the Ringer has
any direct experience with the situation, but it must've entered into
the equation at some point, right? I also have a question about my stomach,
but I'll wait on that one.
Any help would be appreciated.
First off, thanks for including enough typo's in your email to make
it almost look like I wrote the letter to Sanger myself.
Sucky employees that are quiet mass murderers are one of the easiest
things to deal with. You let them be. Simple as that. You don't want
the legacy of your company to be that a crazed ex-employee hated you
so much that he came back and killed a bunch of your sane employees.
People won't talk about him being crazy, they'll talk about how much
of a dick you, the boss, really are. And, worse yet, you're dead. Hire
someone to do the job right and just suck up that 40K a year for that
crazy bastard's salary.
I had to fire someone one time that wouldn't leave, he said, "No,
I'm not fired." Rickk stepped in and said, "fuck that, he's
fired," and went to the warehouse and made the guy leave. I wasn't
bummed that Rick power tripped, or that the guy didn't take me seriously.
I was bummed that Rickk's Canadian roots had him believing that guns
were for hunting and that a guy that won't leave and continues to pack
boxes once you've fired him is not really really crazy.
That guy hasn't come back to get us. YET! But when he does, he knows
that I'm not the aggressive jerk that REALLY fired him. He might pistol
whip me but it's Rickk that's going down.
Glad I could help, let me know what's up with your stomach.
No need to worry about that stuff with the devil getting a better deal.
Good thing Sanger has email...
one's for the ringer. just to clarify some bits for you; your bit about
satan ruling hell is socially correct but actually incorrect in origin.
satan doesn't rule hell nor does he live there. he's on earth trying
to make God mad by leading his children astray. and here's the kicker,
trust me i'm not making this up it comes from the same source that the
concept of satan does(the Bible), satan gets thrown into hell with those
people on judgement day. that's right, his time is coming, he'll burn
right beside the bad little children. so that's the story, believe it
or don't. but like the guy from star trek says "you don't have
to take my word for it, read the book." now you know the things
you never cared to, this is why you surround yourself w/ idiots.
(remember, it says satan is on earth and not to what capacity. so you
might check Bird out closer or at least invite some kind of priest to
your next meeting for an "intervention")
Brian in Shanghai
Some guy named Zoltan Ric won the RICK, MIKE OR SPIKE contest from yesterday
with his "SPIKE" guess and because we have to send the prize
to Canada, the game is over. Nice work, Zoltan Ric. I had a good list
for today and you ruined that for everyone. It's not like we don't love
Canada but it involves filling out those little green forms that say
what's in the package, just a little more work then this column pays
me to do.
People keep asking me if I heard anything about The Gav's bachelor party.
I've heard a few things, some complaints that there was no stripper
show in the room and some story about throwing some gay guys shoes in
the pool and then a girl punching Lee Dupont in the face. Or maybe I
have it wrong and there were gay strippers and Lee punched a girl in
the face? Whatever.
Well, here's a new contest and this one really sucks. It's called NO
MORE CIGS FOR LARDOG. Send the saddest story you can think of someone
you love not taking care of themselves and how it hurt your life. We're
going to have Larson read them. If you can make him cry and quit smoking,
you win a free deck.
(Is this an all time low?).
Don't you think it's kind of weird that The Devil is in charge in hell?
It seems like if he ended up there for being a jackass, shouldn't he
be getting burned by fire and not all in charge and stoked and into
On Saturday I found out that if I have pepper spray in my hand and I
come face to face with tweekers that are most likely looking to steal
from me, I throw the pepper spray over the fence and run. Survival skills?
I forgot that when I outlined the rules for RICKK, MIKE OR SPIKE who
I was dealing with. Those lists of things were all about ONE person.
All of you that sent in those emails to Sanger that said, "Ok,
the first one has to be Mike, Rickk would never wear red pants...."
stood as a strong reminder that I've surrounded myself with dumb people.
We are the company we keep, right?.
So, it works like this: The things listed are all about one of the following
people, RICKK, MIKE OR SPIKE and you win by guessing who all of those
things are about.
For instance, on the 18th, those things listed were all about Spike.
And on the 19th, those things listed were all about Rickk.
Today I am going to make a new list, they are all about one of the following
people, RICKK, MIKE, OR SPIKE, when you email Sanger, put the date of
the list that you are submitting your guess for as the subject of your
email. Then list just the name in your email. OK? Here we go:
1. Cut his own hair for more then a decade
2. Thought Regal was a better name for Fourstar
3. Has a large photograph from a porno movie in his dining room
Good luck, stupid people.
The Hime won a 27" flat screen television at our sales meeting
yesterday by asking the winning question, "Can I have that?"
It's going in his bedroom, ladies. Not only will the Hime take you back
to his pad, you can watch 411 while you make out.
Today's version of RICK, MIKE OR SPIKE....
1. Once posed in red jeans for the cover of an ASR magazine
2. Once posed in a pretty sketchy neighborhood wearing a bunch of Swatch
watches for a fashion lay out.
3. Has no middle name.
First one to get it right gets a prize. Email Sanger. (Sorry Sanger).
Guess what Art Dumper is bringing a new little Art Dumper into the world?
Here's a hint: LAKAI. That's right, The Mueller's are multiplying. Look
for little Mueller right around a deadline that might not work for Bird.
The Gav's bachelor party officially started about....6 months ago?
Game Time! This one is called RICK, MIKE OR SPIKE? and it goes like
this: I list three things and the first person to email Sanger with
the correct name of the person that the three things apply to, wins!
Here's todays RICK, MIKE OR SPIKE?:
1. Once picked up a girl at a club, spent the night with her and then
told her he was a fireman and had her drop him off at the Torrance Fire
Department because his "shift was about to start."
2. Once held face down on gravel by a Torrance police officer for skating
in the Toys R Us parking lot.
3. Ate cereal only for all three meals each day for almost a year.
Some guy named Vics emailed Sanger and asked, "Why in the hell
is the Ringer allowed to post?" The column has really sucked lately,
no denying that, but I have another job, Vics, and although I would
love to have the time every day to not only post but in an entertaining
way, reality doesn't always allow that. I also wish I had time to email
sites that really get my goat, now that's the good life.
The Mez is gone until Monday, chosen as a judge for this years King
of The Road competition. Might not mean much to you but for The Mez,
that's like being asked to sit at the captain's table on The Love Boat.
Next to Julie, if you know what I mean.
Instead of Camp Whatevs this year, we're going to Yosemite and staying
in cabins. It had to do with Koston's "pampered ass." Representing
DC this year instead of Buscemi is Paul Nett and his young son. (Takes
a full grown man and a crying baby to make up for Jon not there).
TRIPLE YIPE CRIPES!
Some guy weighed in on the Zep vs. Skynyrd vs. The Rolling Stones with
some stuff about his iPod and Jadakiss and "fuck all those old
timers." So we're putting that whole thing to rest....
This is just how San Diego Larson is: He was at Canes one night to see
The Atomic Punks. (For all of you that live in a modern society out
of SD, Canes is a club in San Diego and The Atomic Punks are a Van Halen
Trevor Hoffman, the closing pitcher for the Padres, showed up at the
Larson considers that one of the "most perfect moments of my life".
Do you feel me fading? It's not you, it's me.
Jamie, the secretary with braces, puts her two cents in on Zep vs. Skynyrd
but really only because her first wish in life is to get with Mick Jagger:
resent that email from 'Farley' about how the Rolling Stones are 'a
bunch of old geezer hacks roaming the country in search of their lost
youth and underage chicks.' For starters, The Rolling Stones are on
a far higher pedestal than that of Led Zepplin and Lynard Skynyrd. Shall
we go into depth comparing these bands? I think so. L.S., sadly, needed
the talents of 9 people to create the so called "good name"
you speak of. I guess you can call it that if you're down for that hippie
crap. Please, you don't think that one of the perks of being in a world-famous
band is getting the hot chicks? For you to solely accuse the Rolling
Stones of this is absolute nonsense. I think they paid their dues way
before they started "searching for their youth" and way before
L.S. and L.Z. were even brainchilds. They are one the only bands out
there now who can still sell out arenas and stadiums because, 1. There
are no pathetic replacements, 2. It doesn't take a bowl or 3 hits of
acid to understand or even like their songs, and 3. The
fact that 62 year-old Mick can still rock a woman's boat is damn applaudable!
your hippie music somewhere else man. You mess with the bull, you get
The debate races on.....
"Can you even really call the current incarnation of Lynyrd Skynyrd
the real Lynyrd Skynyrd? I freakin' doubt it! The real Skynyrd ended
in 1977 with the plane crash that killed lead singer Ronnie Van Zant
and Steve and Cassie Gaines. The current lineup features only 2 of the
original members: Billy Powell and Gary Rossington. Egomaniac Gary Rossington
even kicked out the original drummer Artemis Pyle showing he's not afraid
to hand out Free Birds, Black Eyes or Walking Papers. Pyle was even
the dude who climbed out of the swamp in '77 and got help for the survivors
of the plane crash. Whatta goddamn shame. The current lineup an insult
to the original good name of Skynyrd.
"On the other hand, you have Led Zep who only lost one original
member. Sure, they might not be together anymore but at least they're
not a bunch of geezer hacks roaming the country in search of their lost
youth and underage chicks (like Faux-Skynyrd and the Rolling Stones).
They knew when to hang it up and I can respect that. Plus, Zep's got
Elevator music or this column?
McCrank was supposed to win the X-Games and when he didn't we sent him
home. We told him to think long and hard about his effort and if he
truly put his heart in it.
We think after some reflection, he'll come back next year and win. And
the year after that, too. And what the hell, the year after that as
Tired of Canadians? Well then why don't we have the Honorary Crail Irish
Person today? Today that would be Pat O'Callaghan (name not made up).
Pat was born in 1905 and lived to the ripe old age of 86. He was an
olympic gold medalist in 1928 and 1932 for the hammer competition. But
here's the crazy part; He was a doctor before he became an olympic athlete!
He was banned from competing in the 1936 olympic games due to some political
If you're a true Skynyrd fan, which is all I have been hearing from
anyone who saw the "poll" last week, you'll take your next
vacation to Jacksonville Beach, Florida and visit the club that Ronnie
VanZant's widow opened aptly titled, "Freebird."
Oakland Mike contacted us to let us know that the only reason he chose
such a racy book to read for The Better Fucking Book Club was that he
didn't think he could keep the interest of The Tappers if he read some
piece of literary genius and then reported back. I think he called you
Our warehouse manager, Tough Guy, beat River Joe, who is currently juicing,
in a game of ping pong. The only reason that this is news is to point
out that two people in our building have the names Tough Guy and River
Joe and we have a steroid controversy in house. Pretty sweet, I think.
Time to go celebrate another year in paradise.
So you know how Paul Nett is my favorite DC employee and Lardog is just
everyone's favorite of some sort? Well, they go and let me know that
they are both part of a "Fantasy Football" league. I thought
those were for dudes in the midwest that got snowed in their houses
and had to do something to do while they're waiting for their wife/girlfirend
to go to bed so they can watch more porn? I guess it's also for guys
that seem totally functional from San Diego. Go BF66! (Yep, that's the
name of their "team").
The Gav has formed what only has a working title at this point but it's
called Club Drama. It has about 12 "actors" involved and Pat
Lawlor is one of them. First script meeting is this week so when The
Gav doesn't show because he double booked, I'll let you know who our
new leader is. The vision of the club is to artistically portray real
stories about real people and their struggles. And also to drink.
Let's say you want to buy a Lakai Crail t-shirt from Active on their
mail order website. You go to their site and you order the t-shirt called
CRAIL FILL, style number TLAOAA. You want to get the pink. Just take
my word for it, PINK!
In about 28 minutes, McCrank better hope he's on some podium of some
sort or we're watching his episode of SKATE all night. Personally, it's
a win-win situation.
Dylan "Why Do Today What You Can Put Off Until the Contest Has
Ended" Eastgaard, sent this in:
dudes buying a boat together? The gayest name by far... KNOTTY BUOYS.
I can picture them on their little boat with their little sailor suits.
I hope it's not to late for their boat christening."
Dylan, you would
have won, but the prize was already sent to some guy in Colorado. I
think his name was Scott. Scott, if you read the above and think he
truly should win, send the package back.
Once again, today when I was in a meeting with the guys that we are
buying our new software program from, Jenkins eaves dropped and tried
to get my attention from his office every time they said something lame.
Of course, professional person that I am, I kept my head in the game.
(Expect to hear a lot about this software, installation is 6 months).
This came from Oakland Mike, AKA The Oakland Pervert:
this is what I'm thinking of reading for the Better
Fucking Book Report." Oakland Mike
Read away, Mike. You're now Mikey's favorite person.
And last but not least, we can't put the Skynyrd/Zep controversy to
bed just yet, I mean he does bring up the Gnar factor...
No Brainer... it's Skynyrd... hands down, the answer isn't in the music...
it becomes evident in photos of the band... not rocking shots, but posed
shots... check out the
Skynyrd one... look at how grizzled and haggard those guys look...gimme
a break they win... give them the deck.
Now look at the photo
of Zeppelin I have selected... look at how "boy
bandy" they look... you can tell they get lots of ass, but I'm
not into that... not to mention they are a bunch of ugly, dirty, bad-toothed
brits, so I choose Lynyrd Skynyrd... they win on Gnar Factor... I respect
Gnar. Peace," GregB.
Led Zeppelin or Lynard Skynyrd? The winner gets a free deck.
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NOW WHO'S A BITCH?