ENTRY # 70
NOVEMBER 13, 2002

I want to give a shout out to Smyth for putting something even more gross then Bob K on Crail. "Love Muscle"? Smyth, I was going to send you this whole long letter about how much everyone at Girl loved you (since you made that comment that you had worked at Girl for 3 years and hadn't ever been told that anyone loved you) and then you taint the site with the words "love muscle"? I think it's time for a Sam/Le Lee intervention. That french fuck is ruining you! First you run the "merlot goatee" and now this? Come on Smyth, The French Thug doesn't care about anyone but himsellf. I heard a rumor that he was going to try and steal Lee Smith's identity and get the real Lee deported.

Crail Book Club:
Lewman and Mat Hoffman have a new book out called THE RIDE OF MY LIFE. Go buy it now! Great story, great guy and lots of beautiful photos to look at. If you do buy this book, send us your receipt and we'll send you a sticker to use as a bookmark. (That was Bob K's idea).

While Mueller is trying to remain the king of ping pong, plan a wedding and finish the Lakai catalog, Bob K is trying to get him to shoot photos of his new facial hair. This is why, when we party together, things end up in the fire. And cell phones end up in Koston Canyon. Wait, maybe it isn't Bob K with the problem....

Jenkins has a new tattoo around his calf. It looks like an actual chain and it just says: OFF DA CHAIN. Looks like OCX is working. New car, new ink, new attitude.

It's hard to keep track of the club that is opening but it was originally THE LEMON DROP and Gavin wanted too much ownership. He got ousted and then Bird stepped in, as team manager of the OCX pillow fighting team, took some ownership and changed the name of the club to HARSH HALF TOP. Smyth is working his percentage off bartending and has all these new french habits from being around Le Lee, wants to call the club RASPBERRY BERET, Rick is still trying to credit claim to open a bar, can't own anything without Carroll and is now insisting the name of the bar be SUSAN B ANTHONY.

Video Budget: No problem.

 

ENTRY # 69
NOVEMBER 11, 2002

Tim Gavin, the new Michael Jackson of Skateboarding? All he needs is a chimp named Bubbles and he's set. Oh, wait he does have a chimp named Bubble, Mike Carroll. Keep up the good work boys.

If anyone knows of a good locksmith, can you give Koston a call? Needs some locks changed, pronto.

Looks like we're have in a full blown bachelor party Wednesday night at Casa De Rickoo. He picks the final victim that gets to spend the rest of her life with the thickest thighs known to man. Well, if you don't count Rick Howard.

Spike and McCrank were a little offended at the idea that people did not think they were "bad ass" enough to be referred to as a gang. "One time, I fucking gobbled up a parking ticket right in front of a cop". Holy gnarly, we take back what we said, you guys are fully a gang.

Ok, I'm tired but stay tuned for tomorrow when we discuss: Buscemi and Rick requesting you not include them in those e-mails that are sent to 3000 people, Mike Carroll's vision dreams of passion, The new official name of the McCrank and Spike club, the possibility of McCrank having double sponsors due to a snowboarding career, the guy in the background of the Koston clip in Goldfish, the largest video budget known to man, Biebels' "No shoes in the house" policy and more.

 

ENTRY # 68
NOVEMBER 8, 2002

His name is Hime, OK? No more and no less.

Smyth took apart his computer and then tried to explain the feeling of how rad it is to take something apart and put it back together. Now his computer doesn't work. Good Work, Sammy.

What about Lee Smith's cousin trying to ride for Fourstar? I guess his name is Le Lee Smitherre. I guess he patented these hip packs that you can hold a wine cooler in and everyone was all impressed. He has two hip hop aerobic classes he teaches and other then that, I hear he's a pick pocket.
Seems like the right guy for the team.

If you're looking for Mikey, he's at pilates.

Hime called Rick an asshole. Weird, I wonder if Rick will fight him? He probably should.

Bob K quit smoking for $50.00. He got some other offer to start again for about $75 and I think he couldn't decide what to do. He was smoking those American Spirits, like the ones Bird smokes, which are actually good for you, according to Bob. "They're pretty much like vitamins". Kids, smoking is bad.
Now I have to re-think my whole friendship with Bob which is lame because I'm busy. One of the first nights Sprout and I partied with Bob, he told us he was looking for a "rich girl with big boobs". I wanted to oust him right there but Sprout said, "let's give the guy a chance". Then I had to rescue him from drowning in the actual Pacific Ocean, throw a drink on him and ask him to not call any of the girls that I know on the telephone. I'll let you know but I think I see another friendship cancellation on the horizon.

Nick's current work schedule: 11ish until wheneverish. Pretty awesome.

The Bachelor was on fire last night. The guy is such a meat head! When he was in the bath with the hick chick, oh my vomit! His thighs are probably totally huge, they look like they rub together when he walks. He's loaded though, he can probably have the tailor put little sheep skin patches at the thickest part of his thigh so he doesn't get a rash. And if he does get a rash, those chicks on the show are so desperate, I'm sure there isn't much they wouldn't do for the guys hand in marriage.

Looks like McCrank is going to be joining the SPIKE JONZE ELECTRIC CAR AND SWEATER VEST CLUB. Spike wanted to call is a "gang" but I have a sneaky feeling McCrank and Spike just don't make up the look needed to call yourself a "gang".

One month until the release of Spike's new movie, Adaptation. He wants to do a countdown to the opening day but I think he means like the ball dropping in Time Square, just like an hour countdown. Good Marketing.

Jenkins' OCX is sponsoring the WAKE UP AND WAKE OUT wakeboard event this weekend at some lake in Riverside. He had these awesome OCX spring suits made for the wakeboard team. First prize is a teal blue PT Cruiser. Pretty Sick.

 

ENTRY #67
NOVEMBER 6, 2002

Kelly Bird called last night to verify the Laker score with me. Dude, turn on AM690 or turn to Sports Center. I'm a very busy person and when the refs cheat the Lakers into a loss, I don't like to be bothered. But this just in, Bird said something NICE about a female. And not just any female, Kelly's favorite kind, a female in skateboarding. I don't have it on tape but he said it, I swear on the OCX Dream Catcher Jenkins gave me this morning.
Kelly also projectile vomited this morning after taking zinc on an empty stomach. The combination of being nicer to girls and not being able to keep a little zinc down made Rick break up the GIRLS ARE SMART club. WHen asked for comment, Rick said, "look, he bags on The Keepers of The Rings, he's being a gentlemen to broads and he's barfing. We're through". Sad.

I'm sure all of you that regularly check this column know that Bob K went to Paris for about 3 months. When he came back, he told us of great food, fun parties and beautiful women. But guess what Bob K forgot to tell us, HE STARTED SMOKING!!! Isn't that cool? And how weird that he forgot to tell us, huh? I wouldn't have even known but today, everyone gathered to watch the Winona verdict and I thought I smelled Ashtray Boy, AKA Eric Anthony. But I looked over and it was Bob K. I then asked a co-worker if Ashtray Boy had loaned Bob K a jacket to which they responded, "Oh, you didn't hear, Bob started smoking in Paris". Good work, Bob.

And just for those of you following the life and times of Eric Anthony, he feels like the best thing for society would be if Winona was locked up for about a decade, I guess he hates birds and Winona. Weird. He said he was going to make t-shirts that said "Fuck Winona" but he ended up buying a 12 pack and just shining that idea. A real go getter, that Eric.

The Hime would like the flood of women that see his photo on The Tap to not contact him unless you are willing to not cry when he is really mean to you. A good way to test if you can survive The Hime would be to rent "The Champ" and see if you can make it to the end with out crying. If you can, and your over 18 years of age but under 29, send that photo to Tha Tap. You saw the photos of the guys with the trophies, he's not the cute guy with the afro or the hot guy wearing the wig, he's the other guy.

Mikey went skating. We'll let you know what hurts when he calls us. I think if you want to start an office pool, bet on the heel.

Smyth went out with Lee's french cousin, the guy won't leave, and he didn't Tivo The Real World. He was all hung over this morning and had a LaCoste visor on, that's how we knew he was lying about falling asleep. He was out with the french thug.
It was a great episode, eating disorders and dry humping!
Smyth will have to wait for one of the 87 times they show it this week to get his column up to date.

Guess what tonight is? The Bachelor! I think he is going to get rid of that southern chick who's stepdad stalked the Crimson Tide and who's real dad is in the slammer. The Bachelor looks like the kind of guy that would try to whisper in a girls ear while they were doing it. Wow, I just almost made myself barf.

 

ENTRY #66
NOVEMBER 5, 2002

Sorry about that "typo" ridden column yesterday, I thought the jackass I send these to has a little extra time to spell check but I guess he's all busy now that he went to Paris. He doesn't eat sandwiches anymore, just "panini's". And he keeps calling his pancakes, "crepes". I wonder how you say "goof" in French.

Anyone catch up to Lee Dupont about that over time with LA and Portland? I need to know if I need to send him that on tape or DVD.

Quick Hair Update: you know that guy you see around, usually in a Dodge van and you say to yourself, "I wonder where he buried the bodies"? Well, Bob K grew the beard that that guy usually has. I can't think of what it is actually called so for now, let's just call it disturbing.

Did everyone vote today? Get out there, kids. We don't want the valley to separate from the rest of LA. That would be so lame. The valley is so great in August, I love those days when you wonder if you are going to die from your tongue curling back into your mouth due to the dry heat.

In the bad attitude contest, Bird is still holding a strong lead. Some of the recent quotes that keep Kelly at the top of his game:
"Dude, weddings are whack".
"That guy is the biggest goof".
"Is she retarded?"
Good work, Kelly!

Did you know those speed pass things at Mobil are free? It's true so I got one and it doesn't feel gay at all waving that little wand in the air, trying to get the gas pump to respond. It feels fine, give it a try.

Stay tuned for Rick and Bird's exclusive club, right now it's just called, GIRLS ARE SMART. I think Rick is VP and Bird's Pres.

 

ENTRY #65
NOVEMBER 4, 2002

Hey Lee Dupont, did you get a chance to see that over time yesterday in The Keeper of The RIngs game? Well, let me know if you didn't, we have Tivo and are hosting a "Portland Cry Baby" party.
I just wanted to make sure Lee Dupont saw that over time, he made sure one night to tell me how much he hated the Lakers and loved the Staleblazers. So, if anyone sees Lee Supont, give him a run down of that over time.

Hime didn't get to have a shot at fan of the game because he's Koston's 8th favorite person in the world. So if Koston has tickets, those favorite seven need to be unable to attend the game in order for Hime to be invited. Sad for Hime.
But think of all the things that Hime has going for him, other then being dissed by Koston. He's the Von Zipper rep, he's not afraid to wear little underwear in public and he's an awesome guy.

Speaking of awesome guys, my neighbor got a Sugar Ray CD over the weekend. I hope his CD player breaks so that no one that lives near him keys his car, that would suck. Hopefully he is in a CD sapping circle and he'll get Dave Matthews next, that will really rule.

Hair update: Smyth went semi sweet again, Abeyta full military, Jeremy is sort of doing an OCX thing, puffy yet stylish and Rick is in Ny to go to Gino's favorite "Platinum Blonde" salon.

 

 

ENTRY #64
NOVEMBER 2, 2002

The Lakers are in 6th place. Shaq, please, soak the toe and let's get back to work. Oh, and Laker haters need not send me that.

Sorry about missing a day on the update, Lee Smith's french cousin was in town and we all ended up staying out all night. The guy is like a surgeon on the dance floor, just gets out there and operates.

OCX is off the charts. Mark my words. Jenkins designed these backpacks that will be due for release next summer. Check it: They hold a four pack of wine coolers, hair gel tube and have a pre-printed "Forget the Trophy, Give me the Girl" banner that you can put on the back window of your F150. Is Jenkins Spanish for "So Sick Right Now"?

Just a quick hair update, Rob Abeyta may be going back into the army. He finally shed the slicked back "anyone have directions to the Blasters concert whip" and went for a short crew. Leon is doing a sort of Dustin Hoffman in The Graduate and our newest friend, Chick, had his eyebrows cut.

Rick and Ty have departed for a week of snow angels and cocoa with Gino in NY. We'll keep you posted on those winter nuts.

Gav departed tonight for the Phish show, "I just can't explain how I feel when I'm at one of those shows". Hmmm.

Will and Grace bickering? Looks like they could even break up.

If someone told you, maybe on Halloween, that The Hime was not the ultimate catch, I would like to apologize on their behalf. Sure, he won't let anyone cry and he can be fairly mean, but come on, who wouldn't want to just hug him? Or maybe feed him?

 

ENTRY #63
OCTOBER 31, 2002

It's Halloween, are you skeered? Mikey's not, he's at pilates as you read this. Just to show you how gnarly he can get.

Sam Smyth had some sort of weird story about why he needed the Fourstar tent that Hime uses at demos and stuff. It all sounded a little weird. Sam. come clean, bro.

Is it still pre-season for The Keeper of The Rings? They only lost by about 20 points, that ought to make their parents proud. Would someone find out why they keep putting Ty into the game and let me know? He has two torn ACL's and just fist fought a guy without pants on, take him out of the fricking game.

Who cares? What about The Bachelor? I don't watch it but Bob K told me the following: First off, when girls battle over guys....whatever. I'm not going to even get into it but this guy has total Roy Clark Ass. He's all thick around the thighs and ass. Is that hot and someone forgot to tell me? If so, please get that memo to me. He's meeting the parents right now. If my daughter brought that guy home, I would just take her a side and ask, "Have you been sniffing glue, honey? Because that guy is really sickening". But that's me. I'm shallow and superficial.
Aaron, The Bachelor frenched three of the four girls during this episode, who does he think he is, Gavin? What a loser. When he went to meet the family of the girl form Alabama, her step dad had this whole room dedicated to the "Crimson Tide". Can you say sketchy? He let the chick go that he didn't french which sends home that age old theory "PUT OUT OR GET OUT". I guess next week he gets the over night dates where the girls get to pick if they want to hump him or stay in their own room. If you want to marry him, you might have to take him for a trial hump. Disgusting.

Stay tuned for the party of the century....in Torrance? WOW!

 

ENTRY #62
OCTOBER 30, 2002

We went to the season opener of what used to be the Three Peating World Champion Los Angeles Lakers, they are now simply known as The Keeper of The Rings. I like that name. I think it will work well with their future. The night started out very sad with out Chick, some of us cried. The Hime gave us a pass on this night to cry.
I think if it wasn't for the refs and the Spurs scoring more points then The Keeper of the Rings, we would have totally won. I think it was sort of weird that Josh Caffrey was playing for the Spurs. And why the number 20? I think if Josh wants to free lance, The Spurs are not really the route to go. Maybe he can give The Spurs all pink eye and then Larson can get a job as their towel boy and give them Rat Crap Eye and then we won't have to watch Robinson go down the court looking like he has a baton stuck somewhere.

Just a shout out to The Gav, the bar near the entrance to section 101 serves lemon drops.

Looks like Kelly Bird is either dead or his phone got turned off. The Lakers lose and no phone call? What next Kelly, delivering good news? You're slippin'.

Is Koston growing his hair for the part of the stunt double in the new Harry Potter movie? That's awesome. Maybe that means Nick is growing his hair to do stunt double work for Burt Reynolds. I really love when the pieces fall into place. Oh, and Rick must be trying out for the stunt double of Peter Frampton for the musical "Frampton comes alive". Insane!

Sorry about that rumor of Marc Johnson smoking. Turns out Rick McCrank is jealous of some old bench pressing record that Marc holds so he likes to just spread vicious rumors about him. Marc said, "I would never smoke to be cool, if I wanted to be cool, I'd call Mikey and see where he got those rims on the Caddy. Duh".

Guess what's on tonight? That's right, The Bachelor. I hope the girls have a pillow fight over that guy, he's so dreamy. Tonight he gets to go and meet the parents of the possible victims he might marry. Women sure have come a long way, you really must feel proud to be a woman. Going to live in a house with a bunch of other girls and compete for the attention of a barrel necked ham! You go girls.

Laker Halloween Limo: Larson

 

ENTRY #61
OCTOBER 29, 2002

First off, Happy Birthday Nate Nordine.

Instead of a hair update today, we have a Friendship Update. Here are the following friendships that have been cancelled:

Mikey and Bird

Mikey and Megan

Bird and all the Frisconians

Megan and Marc Johnson (pending confirmation of smoking habit)

And lastly, Booby Echo and the entire Girl Skateboard Company Inc

On the side note of hair, Rick is thinking about shaving his head "because it just feels all tangly and messy". But it looks red hot and that is what counts. Fashion before comfort, you know the rules.

Is Kelly Bird trying to get the team management position at OCX? Jenkins wouldn't comment but Bird held try outs at his apartment over the weekend for the Pillow Fighting Team. Jenkins was seen purchasing down pillows at Strouds. It all seems just a little sketchy.

Speaking of sketchy, Hey Bob K, why not take the rest of the year off?

Laker Limo update: No Limo.

Tonight we get to see what Rick Fox looks like in street clothes. That bitch Doug Christy should be benched the entire season. (Tomorrow Bird and Megan will have a cancelled friendship because Bird will call Megan's cell phone before she can get to her car and say something irritating).

Stay tuned for the party of the century........




ENTRY #60
OCTOBER 28, 2002

Sorry Mikey!




ENTRY #59
OCTOBER 26, 2002

Looks like we are about to get punked by the Giants. I only say "we" because there aren't that many situations that allow Mikey to give us crap so we (the people not from Frisco) decided to root for Anaheim. This way when the Giants win, Carroll can make one of those really rad calls that Bird makes when the Lakers lose. I'm not sure but it must be quite a rush because the second the clock runs out in the 4th quarter of any Laker game, the phone rings and Bird says something like, "Get used to it, your team sucks". Pretty weird when you think about the fact that Kelly only got one really good birthday gift this year and it was from tow Laker fans.
Hopefully Kelly and take a few minutes and give Carroll some tips on being an ass to the fans of the opposing team.

Bob K's office got vandalized. Pretty sad when you can't take a two week vacation to Paris without your coworkers turning on you. Bob hasn't contacted us in the last few days so maybe he fell in love at a Versace fashion show and is never coming home. That's too bad, I thought he was pretty cool. As soon as it is confirmed that he is not coming back, we'll start talking shit on him. Stay tuned.

Atiba got a job to shoot photos of Kobe Bryant so Hime and Koston went along as his assistants. Hime seemed in heaven at last check. I heard from someone that he might have even cried.

Laker Limo update: Rick, Ako, Atiba, Hime, Froston, Spike, Jenkins and Kevin Wilkins. I thought since Kevin has a newborn baby he might have to skip the festivities but I guess when it comes to a party in a limo, Kev rearranges his priorities.

OC XPLOSION is off the charts. I guess Jenkins is hosting a monster truck rally on Saturday and the 2nd annual OCX Beer Shotgun contest. Eric Anthony won the last one. "He's from Yucca, it's really an unfair advantage" said Jenkins when asked about Eric's victory.

Spike has a movie coming out. It's called Adaptation and he keeps talking about this count down he wants to do on Crail. The only problem is, he can't figure out what pictures he wants to use so it's making the countdown a little difficult. The movie is really great, pay for a ticket, sneaking into movies is for criminals!

Does anyone watch The Bachelor on Wednesday nights? Me neither, but I heard it's really awesome. The girls cry when they don't get a rose and the one girl didn't want the bachelor to know that her dad was in the big house and she cried when she told him.
Then there's this other chick that cried and said she felt like a failure when the bachelor didn't pick her. I'd cry if he picked me, he's sickening. That's just what I heard, though.




ENTRY #58
OCTOBER 25, 2002

Josh Caffrey gave Rob Abeyta pink eye. This means Bird already has pink eye since he is Josh's room mate. Bottom line: Stay away from Bird.

Larson doesn't have pink eye yet but if you figure Rob shares an office with he and Jeremy and the three of them are always hugging and laughing......
Tony is going to be wishing he had Rat Crap Eye, like he did last week.


A nice young lady in Florida e-mailed me to tell me that Hime sounded shallow and that she would not date Tim or Hime for any amount of money. I don't believe you, like my mom used to tell me, everyone has their price. I think there is an amount of money that you would date these fellows for.

Rick McCrank has a whole new look. He won a Ruby make over and he's so hot right now. Stay tuned for photos. We didn't want to release them yet as it would shift al the female interest from Hime to Rick.

The Gav and Meg: Still not friends. At last check Megan was going to try and mend things in time to get a birthday gift. Tim will never know.

Mike Carroll is having a World Series victory party tonight. He said he feels so confident that the Giants are going to win, since they have JT Stone and all, he is going to celebrate early.

Hair update: Nick Tersahy.....wow. It looks like the dad from the Brady Bunch with a sort of shiny coating over it. It doesn't look sprayed on that much anymore, it looks more like he made it out of peanut brittle dyed dark brown. Everyone else's hair seems normal compared to what Nick has going.

Halloween Laker Limo update: Rick, Ako, Atiba, Hime, Froston, Spike and YEP: JENKINS!





ENTRY #57
OCTOBER 23, 2002

Lakers pre-season is sort of like that weird crab meat they give you at the sushi bar that looks real and you think it might taste real but it always tastes like crap. Sorry, that's just me.

So what about the bandwagon? Hop on board for tonights World Series game when we cheer for the Giants. Rick is rooting for Anaheim, probably because of Disneyland or something really important. Mikey is sticking with San Francisco and has even threatened to move back to "The city by the bay" to show his loyalty. Cool, call us with your new cell phone number. Kidding Mikey, don't go. If you leave, it would be so sad. No one to trade facial scrub secrets with.

Here are the things we have stolen out of Bob K's office since he has been in "Gay Paris":
Two Pens
Travis Pastrana Doll
Money
Von Zipper Sunglasses
Rare Harmonica
Map to the Stars Homes
Charcoal sketches of Mike Carroll
Sam Smyth poetry book

Here are the things we left:
Michael Stipe charcoal drawings
Flyer for a rave in Palm Desert this Saturday
Manual entitled: How to overthrow a Canadian boss is ten easy steps
Weird polaroids of Larson rolling around on a velvet rug

As of today the Laker Halloween Limo is the following people:
Ako, Atiba, Hime, Rick, Froston, Larson and Spike who announced Sunday night, "Basketball players are definitley the most beautiful athletes in all of sports". Easy there, Adam.

Sorry I have been so inconsistent with the countdown to the season opener for the Three Peating World Champion Los Angeles Lakers. My friend Bret went to Japan and got such a terrifying case of diarrhea that I didn't have time to make calls to people. He is fine and will be outside the Staples center on the 29th watching all the action on the big screen.

One more thing to not invite Jenkins to:
Anywhere that he may have to stand, talk, answer questions and/or seem interested. He's busy with OC XPLOSION. New motto: If I want to go, I'll throw the party.




ENTRY #56
OCTOBER 22, 2002

We at Crail Tap are officailly for San Francisco in the World Series. One of our founders is is a Nor Cal Kook, our very own team manager is a Nor Cal Kook and none of us ever followed Anaheim before this point so why start now? So this is awesome, we're all for SF and when we watch the final game in a bar in LA and we're the only ones cheering for SF, we'll all get our asses kicked together. I hope Mikey wears his Paul Smith shirt and Lee wears his Chanel Platinum cologne. They're so hot right now.

Here's a list of events not to invite Jenkins to:
1. Art openings
2. Movie Premiers
3. House parties
4. Magazine launch parties
5. Parties with any sort of a list
6. Parties with out any sort of a list
7. Parties with famous people
8. Parties without famous people
9. And lastly, anywhere you can not ride a dirt bike Cool, thanks.

Did you buy a Wooden OG Doll at the show in Pedro and not get your artwork yet? That sucks.

Did you buy a Wooden OG Doll and put it on Ebay? That's rad.

Spike has a new segment coming out on Sesame Street. He tried some of it out on the young Emmet Jenkins and it seemed to be quite a success. Lesson number one from Uncle Spike: Don't keep secrets from your parents and that way you will always be able to talk to them about anything. Tickle me Spiegel Dolls anyday now.

Larson lives two hours from Girl. This can only mean two things. He's really fucked up or he's totally fucked up. We'll let you know when we know. Soon, Larson will live in the most spectacular home ever known to man. He will continue work on the documentary in the works by the previous resident of this home titled DOLPHUN! Every morning he will wake up, look at the coast line and cry. He will come to work every day with puffy eyes. Hime will hate him because he cries but that's cool, there's other ways to get Nixon watches. Gav got kicked out of the third street trio so as of right now the band is Larson Rick Meg and Kelley Jenkins.

Who's in for Rick's Halloween Laker Limo? You have to dress as someone from the Laker organization in order to ride in the Limo. Limo's are really gay but if you stop and think about it, what isn't? So far in the limo: Koston, Rick, Atiba, Ako and Hime. That's a fun bunch when you consider you have fan of the game two peat on board.

Tim and Megan, totally fighting. Basically what happened, Tony came to town, Tim acted like he had all new friends and that was it. Whatever Gav, have fun at your OCD meetings solo.



ENTRY #55
OCTOBER 21, 2002

I guess all the high lights of our important lives that you all cling to as if it were oxygen will have to wait for tomorrows column. An anonymous e-mailer (very bold and courageous) wrote to me to explain to me the moronic levels I had reached when I commented on the Beltway Sniper a few columns ago. "To mockingly acknowledge a cold blooded killer when lives are being cut down in their prime..".
First off, dude, cut with the quoting of exact statements you heard on CNN and put the thesaurus back on the shelf.
Second, "mockingly acknowledge"? DId you see the homepage of this website? It's a fucking goat and a rainbow. This is where you tune to get the agenda's and details of current events? It would be more offensive for me to launch into my feelings on guns, amendments and the media on such a idiotic website.

You broke it down, bro. We're a one dimensional group of hip people with no interest in the world, it's current state or any of the other beings that inhabit this world. You caught us.

It was fun while it lasted. Figures someone in Texas would crack the case of Crail Tap.



ENTRY #54
OCTOBER 16, 2002

Laker owner Jerry Buss collapsed and fainted at a charity beneift yesterday. At first people thought it was a heart attack but it turned out to be some sort of obscure pinched nerve. He was concious when they took him to the hospital and was quoted as saying, "he was more embarrassed then anything else". Wow, I didn't think he got embarrassed. After seeing that hair do, fainting at a charity benefit seems like a proud moment. Jerry is fine and will be at the game when we be the Golden State Warriors. Kelly Bird is a Golden state Warrior fan. It makes perfect sense, I mean if you're in Dallas and drive straight up, it's faster to get to the Warrior arena then to the Staples Center. He really has no choice, remember, he's from Texas.

Tonights call for the countdown to the season opener for the THREE PEATING LOS ANGELES LAKERS goes to Marina in Santa Monica.

"Hey, what was your favorite moment of last season?"

"I loved the game where Chick came back after his hip surgery, the crowd was so into it and I almost cried. I went with this really gross guy that I pretended I was into just to go to the Laker game".

"It's OK to use guys for Laker tickets, everyone knows that".

"It is?"

"Of course, gotta go, later".

We're back to scouting ladies for the ever charming, Hime. One of the girls that works at one of our suppliers said, "Hime sounds cute". So I said, "well, he's not like Brad Pitt cute, he's more Danzig cute". I'm pretty sure that made no sense but she seemed stoked so I said send a photo and remember to take at least half the piercings out of your face. Hime's so in right now. I told her he's a vegan and she said, "so am I, I only eat chicken and fish". I wonder if Hime cares if their smart. Probably not.

Today is Boss' Day. Mikey was so busy with outside meetings he didn't make it by the office so we could give him the gift we got him. Sam had balloons and banners. Maybe he's on Romanian time and he was at the office when we were all sleeping.

I know it's lame when people talk about their dreams they have but this one is a real winner. I got a job at Horse Racing Track, taking the bets at the counter. I'm such a go-getter when I dream, really makes me proud to be me.

If you live on the east coast and read this, watch out for the Suburban Sniper. And for the love of god, stay away from Michaels Crafts stores. And if you're the Suburban Sniper and you're reading this, knock it off you stupid prick. Sniping is so out right now. If I saw the actual sniper, I'd probably have a heart attack before he could shoot me. See kids, this is why we always tell you to stay away from guns. Have a pillow fight or something but let's leave the guns in the gun rack.

OC XPLOSION is so hot right now. Jenkins is sponsoring a "Shot Gun the Beer without Fear" party this weekend. "I'm going back to my roots, it's about time somebody did something in action sports with integrity". Couldn't agree with you more. At last check he had gotten Eric Anthony on board for the action.

I don't want to say names, but we'll just call him Robby Gecko, called one of my friends when he was drunk. And it led to me getting the following voice mail: Do me a favor, take my number out of your phone or your phone book and try and grow up. I'm trying, it's really difficult with these damn people I've surrounded myself with.

Guess what Mikey's being for Halloween? A heal. Get it? Cool.



ENTRY #54
OCTOBER 16, 2002

Back to the countdown to the season opener for the Three Peating Champion Los Angeles Lakers. Tonights phone call is to Melinda in Costa Mesa. (Sort of weird that she answered on the third ring....get it...ring ring ring..)

"Hey, what was your favorite moment of the last Laker season?"

"I really like seeing that high light of Vlade saying Horry's shot was luck".

"Better then the shot?"

"Yep"

"Cool, later".

Then we go on to call Mikey Carroll. He is preparing for the showdown between the Giants and the Angels."All these band wagon Angels fans. Anaheim might as well as be Victorville or some shit like that. And then you get all these kooks in LA claiming Anaheim. All I gotta say is Frisco". Yeah, that's all you gotta say until you get a weird cable bill or until your pilates teacher asks you a question you can't answer.

Then Rick responded with "Speaking of band wagoners can Mike even name two players on the Giants?".

So we called him back.

And it turns out, Mike Carroll is a big band wagon king. "Um....Barry Bonds and JT Snow or JT Stone?" Carroll means loser in Romanian.

Smyth is all pissed that we left him out of the "Oh My God, Hair Update". So what does he do? Goes totally semi-sweet again. So, as of right now, the only changes in the hair update are Smyth going semi-sweet.

Thanks to Katie in Kansas for that photo for The Hime. Again, I guess I need to be a little more clear on the things that The Hime will make room for. Here's a quick list:
1. You need to weigh less then The Hime (he weighs 89 pounds with his clothes on)
2. You need to not know what's hot on the current skate scene (For example, you can not be wearing a G&S beanie)
3. The Lakers wrist bands are just for the boys, The Hime would feel wierd at dinner with you if you were wearing those.
4. The Hime won't rent "The Champ" with you because he does not want to see anyone cry. Even if you claim you can make it through this movie, Hime won't do it. He hates cryers. Such a hater. I actually used to love The Hime but when he said "no crying" I said, "Fuck The Hime".
5. I think the "Black Flag" t-shirt sends the wrong message to The Hime. Although he is looking for someone with a little punk rock in their blood, not that much punk rock. Just be done with it, let The Hime find his own girls, Crail is too busy for this dating stuff. Yeah Right.

Bird and everyone at Girl: totally cancelled. Can you believe it? He's not even invited to be part of the Girl Halloween contest! That sucks. Poor Bird, we had such a bright future. Stay tuned for tomorrow when we discuss: Jeff Tremaine: Asshole or Jackass.



ENTRY #53
OCTOBER 15, 2002

Wow, it really is Laker season. I have a feeling the next time I have 6 beers and three lemon drops, I'm not sleeping on Bird's couch. He didn't like my comment about him liking the Spurs because he's from Texas. He sent me an e-mail, basically pointing out all sorts of lame things from Texas that I'm into. Or other people at Girl are into. I told Jenkins that he took a stab at us for riding motocross and Jenkins took him off the list for the OC XPLOSION flow team. He also said, "Bird's not welcome at the OCX rock climbing party this Saturday. He shows up and I'll drop him". Jenkins is so gnarly. I think Bird was already pretty scared of Jenkins. Maybe the day after the parade when the Lakers Four Peat, I'll call Kelly and see if he wants to go dancing in matching tank tops. I miss you, Kel Kel. And your pony tail.

Rick and Mike are off to Sacramento. Be careful, they've been known to put a little something in your food in you're a Laker or even a Laker fan.

Speaking of Rick, did you hear? Everything is his fault. It's true, The measles, grid lock on the 405, the demise of ASR, smog, the after taste in diet soda and athletes foot. And that's just the tip of the iceberg.

Is it lame if someone gives you a basket of goodies to give to someone else and you see that there is candy in the basket so you eat it and sort of re-arrange the basket so that Gavin, I mean the person never knows? Is it sill lame if that person tried to kill you one night by turning the AC to 30 below zero and you don't press charges because they're your bro? Well, then Gavin and I are cool.

The Ruby ping pong belt is almost done. From Muller's point of view, Sam did win on Friday but Mueller pretty much kicked his ass the rest of the week.

Larson knows how to say "captain" in sign language. That will be really helpful if he is ever on a sinking ship with an all deaf crew.



ENTRY #52
OCTOBER 13, 2002

Oh my god, it's Sunday the 13th! Are you skeered?

Well, isn't it just like Bobby Echo to try and fit in with the "pro's". Rick got a really bad hipper last weekend and it was especially bad because it over lapped on to a calcium deposit that he has. (Sidebar: "The fact" that he has a calcium deposit in his hip seems to be a little self diagnosis). So what does Bobby Echo do? Gets all hopped up on beer and goes down a hill at 40 mph, eats crap and gets a big hipper. Come on, Bobby. We said you could go back to Pismo with us, take it easy on your self.

Ty thought it would be a good idea to go to TJ with the crew for a mini skate trip. In retrospect, with Chico, Mikey, Rick, Eric, Meza, Scott and many others now in a Mexican jail, I think Ty would probably say "not such a great idea". Good luck, fellas and may the force be with you. (Not Mikey, the real force). Oh, and if you get in a pinch and get access to a computer, a quick Spanish brush up: ME GUSTA BAILAR=I like to dance. Should go over well with the gaurds.

Oh My God, harsh hair update: Rick is feathered with a tail, Atiba still sporting the full fro, Paul Rod went short, Eric...hard to say..do you remember the cartoon "Davey and Golitah"? Davey would be Eric if he was made of Clay, Abeyta still rockabilly, Larson trying to imitate Abeyta, Nick looks like he sprayed his hair on and Bob K wearing a beret so we don't know.

Attention Jim in Texas: thanks for the photo of your sister for Hime but right off the bat I can see there is a problem. Hime has a "Five Face Piercing Maximum". If your sister would have held back on that third ring in the eyebrow and just went with the tongue, lip and nose, Hime would have been on a plane to Dallas. My bad for not putting that in the description of the girl Hime is looking for. Thanks for the photo and I'll see if Gav can get your sister a Slipknot autograph or something. Ya know, Jim, it looks like your sister and Gav have something in common. Tim also has a habit of walking into the tattoo parlor and just picking things off the wall. Or was your sister the first one to have that tribal sort of thing around the top of her arm? If she was, you should try and get to California sometime, that trend she started spread like a wild fire.

Eric Anthony is a vegan now but only when he is sober. Sometimes when he shot guns 10 beers he thinks a pork sausage link is a veggie dog. But that can happen to the best of us. Jeremy feels like he has lost Eric to the California culture. That'll be cool if Jeremy talks Eric into being a Harley mechanic, too. Eric would probably look red hot in a mechanic suit.

Where are you going to be for the season opener for the THREE PEATING LOS ANGELES LAKERS? We're beating the Spurs that night. Bird likes the Spurs because they're from Texas and so is he. I guess I have to like the band U2, because I'm Irish. That sucks.

Bird and me are still not getting along, I guess we're not friends again until about a week after the parade. His loss.

Did I mention Gav has a security system that Ferguson is not familiar with?

 

ENTRY #51
OCTOBER 12, 2002

Larsons ass and eyes are all better, he took some antibiotics and it all cleared up. Well, most of it. The rash with the white stuff oozing out of it on his inner thigh still looks sort of weird. It's OK though, Tony feels like these ailments will keep the girls away and he thinks girls equal trouble!
If any girls were interested in Tony, maybe turn your sights to Hime. He's a foot shorter, 50 pounds lighter and he won't ever let you cry. But he does not have that oozing wound on his thigh like Lardog. Hime hates the beach, The Suckramento queens and of course, tears.

Abeyta thinks he could get a job working on Harley's for $8.00 an hour and Jeremy thinks he can get a job working on Harleys for $12.00 an hour. Good luck, guys. Weird way to give notice but we took you off the payroll and wish you well.

Oh, I've been meaning to remind you, will the real slim shady please stand up? Thanks.

Turns out Jenkins has this box of stickers that he thinks are "funny". He gets to work early every day, cranks "something that sounds like Slayer" and just looks through the stickers and laughs. That seems normal, right?
Jenkins is also keeping busy with OC XPLOSION. OCX (as it is known around the office) is hosting a wet t-shirt contest as well as a pillow fight. Jenkins is like the modern day Warhol. What? I just thought that would look really lame so I wrote it.

Bobby Echo left for Paris to pursue a modeling career. Taking into account the time difference and the fact that Bobby Echo is like a 19 year old girl when he drinks, keep your cell phones off from about... well, just keep them off. He'll be back in two weeks because he is too short to be a model. sorry, Bobby Echo, looks like it's back to Crail for you.

NICK TERSHAY. That's just to show you that I'm not skeered.

 

ENTRY #50
OCTOBER 10, 2002

Can you believe what gentlemen the Three Peating World Champion Los Angeles Lakers are? Letting the Clippers have that game? I can not believe the capacity of this group of players! It's so nice of them to toss the Clippers a game, I think they plan to do that for Houston, too. Just so they don't look so amateur next to the Lakers. So awesome!

Tonight on the news Shaq said, "we're not worried about the Sacramento Queens". Finally someone appreciates Ako's signs.

Kevin and Cheryl Wilkins have added a new member to the Wilkins Band, his name is Cian David Wilkins and he has dark hair and plays bass. Weighing in at 9 pounds, the newest family member had nothing to say. Congratultions to our Nebraska friends, we love you!

Here's a list of my old friends:
1. Kelly Bird

Here's a list of my new friends:
No one.

Mikey wanted the column to be called MIKE MIKE MIKE as he told me today that he was just living to give me material for Crail Tap. Among the many things Mikey told me was that "no one ever loved me like I really needed except Nick" and he knows "what it's like to not get enough love in the early stages of life". But in the late stages of life, if that is what Mikey is in, he gets plenty of love. If you know what I mean. Here is a brief list of ohter things Mike had to say:
1. Good looking out for a friend
2. He's retarded, right?
3. Am I bugging you?
4. He's pretty cute, I'm starting to see that.

Bob K has Paris guilt, how chic.

Jenkins is going to unveil the photo that was the entire inspiration for OC XPLOSION. I'm not sure if we're to expect flames, pompadours or just plain trash. Jenkins goes to Elsinore every Thursday to promote and it looks like it won't be long until he and the family are buying that 7 acre dream home in Norco. God Speed, Jenkins.

Just a Larson update, he has three degrees of rabies, a rare from of worms and "Rat Shit in the Blood" disease. Interested ladies, stay away.

Rob Abeyta will challenge you to a "Cute Daughter Contest", just forget it, you already lost, stupid.

Here is a brief list of American Law that Rick Howard a resident alien from Canada does not think are fair:
1. The speed limit
2. taxes
3. DMV
4. some other stuff

Cool, call me later.

 

ENTRY #49
OCTOBER 9, 2002

Sorry about the delay in the update, I have been busy making my banner for tonights Three Peating Los Angeles Lakers pre season game. Normally, I order them from AKO'S LAKER SIGNS but they have been so busy filling an order for some guy in LA, they had to turn customers away. The only information that Ako would release about this customer was that his name was Bret with one "T" and he had band wagoner breath.

I was also a little delayed because Larson got butt worms from that ratt that crapped in his mouth or where ever that thing crapped and we had to take him to a vet. They said he should be just fine. Right.

If you're at a club dancing with what you think is a girl but it has whiskers, is 6 feet tall and smells like Drakkar, it's a dude. Sometimes after a few lemon drops, boys look like girls, girls look like boys, acne looks like blush, blubber looks like a cashmere sweater. Be careful, they're out there.

Looks like our hair do's aren't really the problem anymore. Seems to be more a fashion thing. Gav was wearing beige loafers with no sox and a pair of shorts. Maybe it's just Gav's fashion problem, everyone else seems fine. And by the way, Gav's only drinking beer ladies so don't send him an apple martini when you see him in those beige loafers.

Maybe the ladies that read this column didn't pay attention when I said that Hime is now the LA rep for Von Zipper...hello? Are you out there ladies? If you're over 18 but under 27 and have had the tear ducts in your eyes removed, Hime would like to see a photo. Other things he likes in a lady: Rich parents, never worn a pair of skate shoes (even if they were designed for girls), never owned a cell phone belt holster and a passion for people that look like they were just released from a prison camp. And just so you know what a gentleman he is, here's a Hime quote: "When the photos come in, I'll take the hot ones and give Gav the pigs". Such a sweety! And notice the way he's always looking out for his brothers. Interested ladies send those photos to: HIME'S SO HOT RIGHT NOW c/o The Tap.

I guess we don't have a huge motocross following, had to go and buy those Crusty Demons videos myself. It's cool, I'm not mad at anyone.

Koston held an intimate little premier of the HARSH EURO BARGE video. He served no food and drinks and quickly put his shoes on when the credits rolled. I guess sometimes when you schedule a party, it's good to tell the guy that lives in the house. The video was awesome and you'll get a pick in on why Mikey is so traumatized. Poor little pup has a bad fall in this one.

Tony, Jeremy and Rob have been known to have a rough past with each other. There was that little Pete Yorn incident, Tony's incense and Jeremy's chick posters. (Tony's down for the chick posters as long as the chicks are blonde). But today the three of them were laughing and hugging and just enjoying themselves while they listened to a Dana Carvey concert. Hey, Fun Boy Three, get back to work.

 

 

ENTRY #48
OCTOBER 4, 2002

....so here's the rest of the "Larson is infected with all kinds of crap" story. Before the rat crapped in Tony's eye sockets, a roach had crawled into the rats butt and laid eggs. The moisture on Tony's eyes fertilized the eggs, then the eggs hatched in Tony's eye balls....I'll be right back, I have to barf.

Kevin Wilkins is still waiting for his baby to arrive. He had a false alarm last weekend and then sent everyone an angry e-mail, like it was our fault. I think the baby wants to be born on Halloween, just to scare Kevin.

Speaking of babies, Mikey may go on to study Philosophy just to fuck with your mind. You've been warned.

Looks like the frame works being built for the Jonze-Carroll-Howard-Baltimore (and Smyth) tavern. All we need is a location, a liquor license, furniture, employees, The Gav and we're set. A couple names we're throwing around "The Lemon Drop" and if Gav has that trademarked then it's "People Like Mike Rick and Spike". The second one is so hot right now. Every Thursday night will be Gavinger Hunt. Find Gavin and get strangled. There is also talk of a private room called HIME TIME, yipes.

No more talking shit on the vendors on Crail anymore, I guess some of them have kids that skate and live in Texas. I still stand by the fact that "that stuff that happened to Chick Hearn" is totally moronic. But we have lots of vendors in Texas.

This will be warning number 2 to Bob K: Why the rainbow meter on the MJ Egometer? Not a warning actually, just an observation.

OK, stop e-mailing me, I lied, McCrank still looks like he's fasting for a cause.

Guess what time it is: IT'S TIME FOR THE COUNTDOWN TO THE LAKER SEASON!!!!!! In honor of this, I will call random Laker fans and ask them their favorite moment of last season. Tonights random call goes to Molly Nordine. "My favorite moment was when Horry made that shot in the last seconds of the game, I have to go, I have someone on the other line". "Weird, are those people interviewing you live for a website?" Click.

I lost all my e-mail addresses when my last computer crashed and I had just won an auction on EBAY so I figured the guy would just get a hold of me with a little reminder when he didn't get his check from me. The only information I had on the guy was in my little e-mail vault so there wasn't really much I could do. Today I get an e-mail from the guy, who is Canadain, and it says: TWO WORDS: NEGATIVE FEEDBACK. I emailed him back and wrote NINETEEN WORDS: COMPUTER CRASHED: LOST YOUR INFO, SEND IT AGAIN AND I'LL GET YOUR STUPID SEVEN DOLLARS TO YOUR CANNUCKIAN ASS. I haven't heard back from him yet but I am pretty sure he will get back to me, I'll feel like crap and then I'll have to kick start that damn HONORARY CRAIL CANADIAN.

Correction from yesterday, the slogan on the side of the OC XPLOSION van just reads "FLAME THROWER". Sorry, Jenky.

 

 

ENTRY #47
OCTOBER 3, 2002

Check this out: Larson has a rat in his house. He went to bed the other night with cookie crumbs on his face and the rat climbed on his face. Then he crapped in his eyes and he thought it was just "morning sleep" in his eyes but it was RAT CRAP! Yipes, run! Good thing we installed those cameras in all the employees houses, killer investment.

Speaking of investments: Anyone want to work on the count down for YEAH RIGHT? No hurry, just checking. We'll probably get a shit load of money when we turn the budget in from the Association of World Records. You know what would be so sick, to have Ty's 40th birthday and the YEAH RIGHT premier together. Awesome. (No pressure, Mikey, just go boogie boarding. I think Ty wants to put a boogie boarding section in the video for broader distribution).

One of our let's just say "fabric" vendors said to me today, "Oh, hey are you bummed about that stuff that happened to Chick Hearn?". Um, I realize you're calling from out of state and maybe different states have different traditions. HE DIED, Stupid! What do you mean "that stuff that happened to him"? Just stay in Texas, we have enough problems here.

Nick isn't going to beat Bob K's ass but other people might. Thanks for soiling the good Crail name by putting the words "humungous wang" on the site. Look, I realize in Canada there are some different social boundaries, but come on. What next? Ranch on pizza? Get it together, Bob. That's a warning.

Mike Leon finished most of the new Fourstar line. He actually read minds to steal graphics. Priceless. Also, Mike leaves for his Japan Show in a few days and it looks like he has one open hour on Wednesday of next week. If you are in Tokyo next week and want to try and book a private show, call 310 222 333. That's right the first 6 digit phone number.

Smyth was exhausted all day today from working the door at Andy's OC XPLOSION party last night. He tried to say he was just tired from working out this morning but he had glitter all over his neck and a little bit of that spray on tan stuff left over. Jenkins said the best part was the girls pillow fighting in their underwear but isn't it always?2

 

 

ENTRY #46
OCTOBER 2, 2002

The next person that sends me hate mail gets punched in the face. OK, got that out of the way.

Well, the ping pong tables are on fire! Mueller gave Rick a whipping with his expensive racket and Sam also stepped up to the plate and beat Rick's ass. Just to make sure it was abundantly clear that he was a total loser, Rick broke a racket. This didn't sit well with Jenkins who is trying to teach Emmet, who happened to be spectating, that winning isn't everything or something like that. The only lesson Emmet walked away with was "It feels good to yell "son of a bitch" when you're getting beaten". In a side match, Megan beat Emmet in a heated defeat. "Big deal, one point" said the young Jenkins as he walked away. Either way, Emmet got punked on his dads turf.

Speaking of Jenkins, he's taking OC XPLOSION to the streets this weekend with a hacky sack tournament. Check your local newspapers but he'll be at many of the popular southern California piers handing out OC XPLOSION chain wallets. Look for the van with Jenkins motto on the side "Don't Claim the Flame if you're Tame".

At last check, Ty was trying to make sure that he took in only red meat and beer. Ty, I'm reaching out to you with a bag of barley. Look how healthy all the vegans we know look. Take a look at Hime. He looks like he could snap someone in half with a damn handshake. Once Ty's finished with the Harsh Euro Barge Video, it's off to Whole Foods for a wheat grass milkshake. Anyone that wants to help with our efforts to change Ty's diet, send your suggestions to TY-IT c/o Tha Tap.

Has anyone ever seen how big Hime's hands are? He asked me to ask that.

In an effort to help Hime, Gav, Mikey, Bird, Bob K, Lar Dog and the many other red hot men looking for ladies, Rick Howard has offered up some lines that have worked for him:
1. Got any Gatorade?
2. Sure, I'm sort of from another country, how about you?
3. Have you always been fat? No? That's cool.
4. Got Tivo?
5. I have a shit load of ranch in the fridge, want to cruise over?
How do you say "suave" in Canadian?

Want to play "Guess the budget for YEAH RIGHT"? I didn't think so, asshole! It's nothing to joke about. I can't wait to hear Rick and Ty's acceptance speech when our video wins "Most Insane Budget". That'll be awesome!

 

ENTRY #45
SEPTEMBER 29, 2002

For everyone that was talking shit on Gavin, saying he couldn't get Mom and Dad in The Lounge on Thursday night, zip it. Turns out Gavin slipped in the back and was in a private room drinking lemon drops with the folks. Every now and then Mom Gavin would take a fifty out of foil and tip the waitress. She's nuts.

Gavin has some sort of stage three whooping cough, other than an Angels game with Dad and a mild night out on Friday, The Gav is laying low. Interested ladies, I would wait at least 6 days to make out with him. I am told Mikey will make out with anyone that can not wait until that day.

Speaking of, Mikey announced today that Crail didn't make him laugh for three days. Weird. Maybe check your Ask Mikey column, I almost fall down laughing every time I go back over that. If you still feel nothing, maybe I can drop the YEAH RIGHT budget by your place, now that thing is a fucking riot.

Anyone seen Slam Ball on TNN? It's sort of like the NBA meets Barnum and Bailey. Anyway, Rick, Ako and Hime are currently competing in that league on a team called the FANTASY CUTTERS. I saw them go against the STEAL and let's just say Ako made them look like pre-school children. Hime isn't feeling the padded helmet you have to wear but Rick convinced him at the end of the year when he can put a trophy next to all of Gavin's old plants, it'll all be worth it.

Someone e-mailed me and said they saw Rick McCrank recently and the thing that was written about him being "ripped" from lifting had to be false, "he looked like a malnourished 90 pound weakling". That's Hime, stupid. McCrank is the one in the sweater vest. Pay attention.

Jenkins' deal with OC X-PLOSION fell through and he has decided to do it our of his garage. "You can't go corporate with the flames, you take the real of "REALLY HOT RIGHT NOW". He's a purist, what can we say.

Liam Bishop is going to be waving the checkered flag at Glen Helen on Sunday for the motocross event. When asked how he was feeling, Liam commented "I'm always down for these events but getting with chicks in the out house is more work than I'm used to".

Leon is stealing graphics for the upcoming Fourstar season, "I just want to keep it real and stealing other peoples graphics is so in". Leon, the guy will not be stopped.

OK, later.

 

 

ENTRY #44
SEPTEMBER 27, 2002

Not much to let you in on today, sorry, I'm on some deadlines. I do want to make a note to the people that keep contacting me and asking me to make Alanis Morrisette Honorary Crail Canadian. First, there is no Honorary Crail Canadian for now. Tony showed Bob the ultimate act of love going to the Rush show. The entire reason we were trying to make amends was because Tony led Bob to feel like we thought Canadians were second class citizens, so that portion of the column is not necessary at this time. (Yeah, like all the other crap in this column is super necessary). Second, she can not be an Honorary Crail Canadian. She's banned. That song that she sings about all the ironic stuff, nothing in that song is ironic. "Rain on your wedding day?" That's not ironic, it's a bummer. "Meeting the man of your dreams and then meeting his beautiful wife?'. Yeah, totally ironic. That's not ironic at all. It's also a bummer and it also shows that your stupid for not knowing he was married. So, until the song is changed to "Isn't it a bummer" or "Aren't I a fool" then she is banned.

More reasons Gav is back on Team Crail:
1. Gucci shades
2. Rollin' on Dub 2's in the Yukon
3. Tried to kill one of us one time with an AC incident and another one of us by strangulation which shows he has a dark side and we don't want to set him off
4. Uses the phrase "Crocidile Done Deal"
5. Not too bummed when you throw his cell phone in a canyon

Cool, see ya later.

 

ENTRY #44
SEPTEMBER 26, 2002

Well, this column is going straight to the dumper. In an extroidinary move of ultimate brotherhood, Tony went to see a RUSH show. He and Bob had that beef in the past where Bob felt like Tony insulted his cannuckian posse. So Tony asked himself, What would be the ultimate act of kindness to patch this international wound? So he bought a ticket and suffered through, I mean totally enjoyed Canada's finest, a RUSH concert. I think it is obvious that there is no need to host the Honorary Crail Canadian anymore, right? I'm glad that Tony and Bob have buried the hatchet but now this column gets suckier by the minute. Bob truly has some good friends, maybe they throw your shit in the fire but they replace it! Come on, you can't buy friends like that. Maybe you can and I'm just shopping in the wrong friend mall.

And of course the Knock Knock jokes got lame. Maybe they didn't get lame, maybe they started out lame. I guess this column is now LIST LIST LIST. Or LAZY LAZY LAZY. or LAME LAME LAME.

Why is Gavin back on Crail?
1. He' so hot right now
2. He thought he was choking Aaron Meza, not Mike Carroll.
3. He has an RDS tattoo
4. He signs his e-mails: TIM GAVIN, Vice President (you gotta love that)
5. He has OCD and so do a lot of people and sometimes you need to discuss 409 vs. Windex.

Paper or plastic? Just kidding.

Slogans that are appropriate for your cell phone display:
1. "Off Da Chain"
2. "Off the Chzizay"
3. "Chain, Off"
4. "Off Da Meter"
5. "Off Da Nose"

Slogans that are not appropriate for your cell phone display:
1."Sky rockets in flight"
2. "Afternoon delight"
3. "Don't go chasing waterfalls"
4. Anything followed by "69"
5. "Big Dog"

Possible band names if you recently put a garage band together
1. Just Vanilla
2. Hot Tool
3. Glamorous Weapon
4. Pluto's Dresser
5. Lava Smart

Possible names for your new skateboard company
1. KNUTS
2. PHUCKIN NUTS
3. NUCKING FUTS
Just three, sorry. Actually, sorry about the whole column. Sorry about the website, too. Later.

 

 

ENTRY #43
SEPTEMBER 25, 2002

I wish life would just work in lists. Like when you write a note to an old friend you could just do this:
1. How are you?
2. I have been getting tooth aches
3. My insurance rates went up
4. Glad you like your new husband
5. Later

Or next to this photo (click to enlarge) we could just write:
1. Gav has a savage tan
2. He's not as fat as people say, he's actually hot and he's so back on Team Crail
3. Smyth is a responsible team manager and he knows to signal the photographer that Bird, buried in the sand, is breathing
4. Bird has no visble pony tail in this photo
5. There's no reason for Brad to fear Bird, look, man down in the sand

Maybe after a meeting with Mikey, I can just e-mail the highlights like this:
1. Asked a lot of questions
2. Worried about the same stuff
3. Used the word "fluffer" in a meeting
4. Looked so hot right now
5. Recovered from being choked
6. Shoe? What shoe?

Maybe trying to show the ladies that Hime is the one for them I might say:
1. Wants a girl that doesn't cry
2. Made me realize Hime and I aren't really friends
3. He can get you lots of sunglasses and watches
4. Can get you Fourstar shit...oh, wait so can we
5. So black right now

Or what about this, things I would like to get sent to me that I will send you a prize package for:
1. Porsche
2. Crusty Demons 5 and 6
3. Night out with the Metal Militia
4. A navy blue pair of Rick's first DC shoe
5. An iced out Ruby necklace
6. Later

 

 

ENTRY #42
SEPTEMBER 24, 2002

Kelly Bird offered a job as an editor of a new skateboard magazine? That pony tail will work so well in that job! Frantic editors are allowed to have pony tails. I think there is a rule, frantic editors and porno directors are allowed to wear pony tails. I wonder who will team manage Lakai if he takes the job? Gavin? No, he might choke. Hime? No, he hates...never mind. Jenkins? No, he has social anexiety. Wow, I guess Bird might have to manage the Lakai team and be the editor of the new magazine that we don't know who's launching. GNARLY!

You know when you go in to a corner market and they have that half ass barrier to keep you from looking at the names of the porno mags? Well, don't ignore that barrier if you're a little gun shy. My money spilled when I took it out of my pocket and I got to glance at a magazine called MOUTH MOUNT. Let's just say...no, let's not just say. Either way, the cardboard barrier is there for a reason so don't act like it's just for show. If you don't want to come face to face with things you think don't happen, then pay attention to my warning.

Let me know if you think this joke is funny, Parrot Boy told it to me. He's a real asshole but that's another day. OK, so a blonde walks into a library. She goes up to the counter where the clerk is and says, "i'll have a burger and a small order of fries". The librarian looks at her sort of confused and says, "Um, sorry miss but this is a library". So she whispers, "oh sorry, I'll have a burger and a small order of fries". It is funny, right?

The current countdown is to the premier of THE HARSH EURO BARGE! Ty left his house only for moments to tone up the savage tan he developed over the summer. At last check, the diet is not looking so good but the tan is off the chain.

Today's Honorary Crail Canadian is Joni Mitchell. She was born in 1943 in Alberta and given the name Roberta Joan Anderson. She lived in other parts of Canada as she grew up and then changed her name to her current stage name after marrying Chuck Mithcell. They lived in Detroit for a while and then were divorced after a short amoumt of time. She later went to New York where she met David Geffen. She then released her first album, SONG TO A SEAGULL, that was produced by David Crosby. Joni has also written many songs that were recorded by other artists, such as "Woodstock" whichwas recorded by Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young. I believer her very best album is BLUE.

Welcome to Crail, Joni. Tony Larson went to see RUSH tonight. I think it is safe to say we're through. I hope he feels super rad when they play "Tom Sawyer". Knowing Tony, he will. Abeyta was backing RUSH. He said he still thinks they "fucking rock". Wow, maybe we can change the name to HELL IN A HAND BASKET DISTRIBUTION.

How about those Angels? For the 59th year in a row they blew their chance to get in the penant race. Thanks guys, way to honor Gene Autry's memory.

 

 

ENTRY # 41
SEPTEMBER 22, 2002

Guess who's ba-zack? That's right.

Hair update: Mikey went full super cut! He looks so hot right now! Rick trimmed things up because he felt like he was rocking a bit of a mullet, Bird still doing the pony in private, Marc Johnson is clean shaven with a 1/8" razor cut (this is just a guess but he looks like he maintains that cut very well and I might add I appreciate that in a person), Koston totally out of control with a sort of toupe looking afro, Atiba (just forget about it), Leon had the early stages of a greek afro going, Emmet Jenkins cuts his own hair now (this kids too smart for all of us), Smyth has no semi-sweet left overs at all, Nick has some sort of weird afro that looks like that spray on hair, Gavin overbooked, Bobby Echo totally washed the red out and Peter is rock-a-billing. Hair is so in!

Get this party started on a Saturday night....oops, getting side tracked.

Todays Honorary Crail Canadian is Mario Lemieux. He was born in Montreal in 1965. He dropped out of school at age 16 to pursue hockey. He was drafted by the Penguins in 1984. In 1988 he received the Hart Trophy for the NHL high scoring title. He left hockey in 1993 to undergo treatment for Hodgkins disease. After treatment he returned to the game of hockey. Welcome to Crail, Bro.

I keep wondering what it feels like to drive one of those monster type trucks with the sticker of Calvin or Hobbs or whoever it is peeing on Osama Bin Laden.

Roll out, Roll out...ooops gettin IPOD side tracked again. Sorry.

No More Knock Knock jokes. That's it, funs over. See how bummed you are when we pull the plug on things? You feel bad for all the shit you talked on us, right? Wrong. Those jokes were lame and I never wanted to post them but Tony, Andy and Bob made me. They suck, so behind the times. Knock Knock jokes? Are you guys high? What next, Tony? Bandanas? These guys are all holding me back.

What do you keep in your house? What about diamonds and gold what do you keep in your mouth?

Sorry, the IPOD is so hot right now, I just can't believe it. That will be lame if this column is soon called IPOD IPOD IPOD. That will really suck.

Congratulations to Sean and Shari Cliver who gave birth to an 8 pound little Emmerson Cliver. Hugs and kisses to the entire Cliver family. Out.

 

 

ENTRY # 40
SEPTEMBER 20, 2002

You want nice, then nice you'll get.

Tony Larson and Bobby Echo have patched things up. As you can see from the red hot photo of Larson on yesterdays RANDOMS, they found a way to make things work. I like that about them. Tony is going to be moving to the South Bay soon. The drive back and forth to San Diego each day is making him a little cranky. Hang in there, Tony Tony Macaroni.

Everything went really well today on the ping pong front. Mueller played in the minors with some of the warehouse crew and is preparing to really give Sam a good game when he returns to the majors. Good Luck, fellas. We look forward to a visit from Buscemi and Gino to bring on some real fun and competition.

Todays Honorary Crail Canadian is Sir William Osler. Born in Canada West, which is now Ontario, in 1949, Dr. Osler was recognized as one of the most well known english speaking physicians of his time. He was raised in Dundas and went on to study medicine at the University of Ontario. He was the first professor of medicine at John Hopkins University and went on to create what is still used today in many post graduate medical programs. Much of Dr. Oslers research into the training of medical professionals was key in forming what is now the Rockerfeller Institute for Medical Research in New York. Welcome to Crail, Bill.

Happy Birthday today to the dynamic duo of Gunnar and Mathew Nelson. These two hotties make up the very memorable band, The Nelsons. They were the two guys with the really beautiful blond long hair. Hope they have a great day and get all the suede pants a real rocker could ever hope for.

Knock Knock
Who's There?
Tank
Tank Who?
Tank you for taking the time to read RING RING RING. See you soon. Love you.

 

ENTRY #39
SEPTEMBER 19, 2002

Magic Johnson is going to be enshrined into the Naismith Memorial Basketball Hall of Fame in Springfield, MA. Larry Bird, who is already in this hall of fame will do the presentation on September 27, 2002. Congratulations Magic.

If you have time, go to the CBS website and vote for the street you think should be named after the one and only, Chick Hearn.

Due to a slight backlash from the Honorary Crail Canadian yesterday (I'm still recovering myself) we will be honoring another great country on this day. Today we have the Honorary Crail Irish Person. Today we honor Mary Robinson who was elected to office in 1990. Not only was she the first woman president of Ireland but she was also one of only three female heads of state at the time she was elected. She resigned in 1997, 11 weeks short of her full 7 year term, to become the United Nations High Commissioner for Human Rights. Welcome to Crail, Mary.

Hopefully we can get those images of The Crash Test Dummies out of our minds and get back to honoring our northern neighbors soon.

Knock Knock
Who's There?
Wayne
Wayne Who?
Wayne, Wayne, go away, come again another day.

Now it's got to the point where the lamer the joke, the more I like it. I guess that part is pretty obvious.

Ping Pong update, Smyth got beat by a $2.00 racket! Rick said he was so pissed from Sam talking shit that he didn't get his good $3.00 racket out, used his crappy $2.00 racket and sent Smyth packing. The belt now belongs to Rickoo. Mueller is trying to bounce back but it looks like he's having third grade flashbacks of the body cast. Smyth was said to not be wearing the ballet slippers at the time of the whipping.

Jenkins sold all his companies and is now back to being the FUN and Rick is the GAMES in the FUN AND GAMES AT GIRL. Have you heard about it? So hot right now.

We're overbooked right now but if you want any more information on coming events call our customer service rep, Phat Phace at 310 628 5016.

Still no word on Crusty Demons 5 and 6 so we decided to sweeten the deal. You send us the tapes we send you: A skateboard deck, a Fourstar notebook, Kostons autograph, AND a handmade sign for the season opener for the THREE PEATING WORLD CHAMPION LOS ANGELES LAKERS. That's right, bro. Bring it on.

Where's the "ASK MIKEY" column? Good question. Mikey said if the column isn't up by Friday he walks. That guy is brass tacks.

Diamond Nick told us today that if he did a store of his own he would have the Diamond warehouse in the back and the store in the front. What?

Anyone want a side of Ranch? What about store brand sour cream?

Ty Evans has been held up with Pink Dot on auto dial getting the HARSH EURO BARGE edited. In other video news, CORY CAM INC is working on the Mike Carroll careeer ender. Stay tuned for premier and release dates.

Tony Larson, girl designer extroidinaire, has got himself entangled in a law suit with intern Bobby Echo. Turns out Bobby Echo used only the photos on the website where Larson looked like he weighed 250 in an attempt to get all the chicks for himself. Bobby Echo can be such a prick. Larson said, "Echo is going to get himself tossed into a fire. He's never seen me mad, I'll break that bitch in two". Wow, those are fighting words.

The countdown is just around the corner for the season opener for the THREE PEATING WORLD CHAMPION LOS ANGELES LAKERS and of course the Spike Jonze movie, ADAPTATION.

 

 

ENTRY #38
SEPTEMBER 18, 2002

Patrick Ewing has officially retired. I wonder if people in NY are sad for being mean to him his last season there.

Gav finally had time to check Crail Tap so we had to fire that one staff memeber that kept writing lame stuff about him. Now, Tim works for Crail so there will be no more making him the butt of the jokes. That will be weird, I mean good.

Things that have been banned from Crail: talking about Kelly Bird, Talking shit on The Gav, any of Clivers photo collection and pony tails. It's going to sort of suck now. I mean, it sucked before but it's about to be really sucky, like off the chain sucky.

"There was a murder on the table" is what Sam said after his match with Rickoo. It seems Sam spanked Rick and his $3.00 paddle. Mueller didn't look so happy at the end of the day either so it looks like the belt lies with Sammy. Must be the ping pong slippers he bought.

Todays Honorary Crail Canadian is the band The Crash Test Dummies. You know what, just so Rick doesn't get all sensitive about Canadians, just go to their website and see for yourself, I couldn't even make this stuff up. In case you don't make it to the site, I'll just include this quote by one of the band members: "Any of you that did see me know what I do is one of the most original and cool things out there. No brag, just quote". Um, OK. Cool.

Knock Knock
Who's There?
Passion
Passion Who?
Passion through, thought I'd say HI.

I know these jokes suck now but habits are so hard to break.

I'm listening to Flock of Seagulls off of Rick's IPOD, that's probably why todays column is so good.

Hime and Megan were both treated for a bad case of name dropping, just don't tell SPIKE JONZE.

 

 

ENTRY #37
SEPTEMBER 17, 2002

Did you know that Mike Carroll is going to have an art show? It's true, some of his current paintings and some of his old sculpture as well as some nudes. I guess he has some insane paintings of his ass that he did while looking in the mirror. I think you know who todays HONORARY CRAIL CANADIAN is. And he's not even Canadian! He's Romanian.

Knock Knock
Who's There?
Boo
Boo Who?
Don't cry, there will be more Knock Knock jokes.

Got a message from Kelly Bird today in which he told me "your fucking lame". Everyone knows it's "You're fucking lame" as in "you are". I hate the work it takes to fight with Kelly. Kelly and I got along for about a week. We drank beer and had veggie corn dogs and then Kelly had some Brie and crackers. We went to clubs and I told a bunch of lies to some girls that found out I lied to them and don't like me anymore. They were harmless lies, like "Kelly is my cousin" or "Kelly is Ricks cousin" or "Tim is a friend I made through an exchange program" or "Tim's face isn't fat, the lighting is just weird in here". I thought we were really getting along well. And then boom, friendship over. Really lame. But I have lots of freinds so I'm already so over it.

Still trying to get a hold of Crusty Demons 5 and 6. I am willing to trade a deck, and hold on to your hat, a Fourstar notebook! That's right, a Fourstar notebook in addition to the deck. It's like the lottery, only a lot lamer!

Just a quick hair update, Kostons wig is so Freddie Fender right now. Or actually it looks like Tony Orlando of Tony Orlando and Dawn. Either way, it's fluffy like a milk shake. (What?)

Richard Mulder just got back from NY where he went to a sausage festival wtih Gino and Buscemi. We're offering a free deck to anyone that can show footage of Mulder in a bad mood.

Bobby Echo got his harmonica and the fine young man that sent it got himself a deck. Still no word on the Von Zippers from Hime.

Michael Leon is about to blow the back door out of Japan with his art show. No nudes in his show but still pretty awesome.

Matix has a short called the HARSH GAVIN, Jenkins sold OC-XPLOSION and the Escalade. He got an offer just about the time he was going to launch his new consulting firm. Well, it's not really a consulting firm, it's more of a firm that will scout what's new and cool and fresh for you. Jenkins is in, so it would only make sense that he charge you money to show you what is in. But he will also do things like, name your band, help you pick personalized license plates for your car, help you select a tattoo. In a nut shell, it's like having The Fonz as your assistant.

The countdown soon begins for the season opener for the THREE PEATING LOS ANGELES LAKERS and director Spike Jonze's new film, ADAPTATION. (Just a shout out to Spike, maybe send over the photos for us to post so that we can begin the countdown, it could help).

Sam Smyth is not feeling Rick's comments regarding ping pong and the coming Ruby belt. "He's a punk and he never makes himself available. If he wants to play, show up".

 

 

ENTRY #36
SEPTEMBER 14, 2002

Anyone want to have a facial party? Just checking. Rick holds Escalade Spa parties in his car, so stay tuned for the next one.

Shaq is already doing interviews after his surgery. The Big Fella told Jim Hill that he could let all the "Sacramentos and the Yao Mings know that he was coming back with a vengeance". He said this is the year that he, Phil and Kobe have something to prove so they are going to play like they don't have any rings. That's what I like to hear. I can't believe we're only months away from another parade. Lakers are so hot right now.

What's this we hear about Rick beating Mueller and Smyth with what appeared to be a $3.00 paddle at the ping pong table? Talk about going out like bitches. Rick said, "Sam didn't even have the ballet slippers on that he bought to play in but I still carry the title". Looks like that Ruby Table Tennis Titan Total Terror Terminator (that's the new name) belt will be spending time in Ricky's office. Hopefully he'll let Smyth and Mueller hang out in his office so they can feel the joy of the belt.

Double booking? Not a problem, just call Papa Roach at 310 715 8300 extension 805 and he'll pencil you in.

I hope this is the last one....

Knock Knock
Who's There?
Heaven
Heaven Who?
Heaven you heard enough knock knock jokes?

Wow, those are good.

Todays Honorary Crail Canadian is Tommy Chong. He is most famous for all the great movies he did with Cheech Marin to form Cheech and Chong. But we honor him on Crail because he is the first Canadian we have come across that is not born in Ontario. Nope, finally, we find someone born in Edmonton, Alberta. He was a rhythym and blues guitarist until he started writing and directing for movies. I think we all agree that UP IN SMOKE is pure art. Welcome to Crail, Tom.

Andy Jenkins is off the deep end with the motocross. So much so that someone is keeping the CRX125 AND buying a new Yamaha with electric start. I know there are a lot of you out there that think electric start is lame but....you're lame too so get lost. Jenkins new line, OC X-PLOSION has a whole divison of clothing that you can go straight from the track to a rager in, just like that.

Speaking of Jenkins, he is the official assistant coach of Emmet's new soccer team. If there is one thing the senior Jeknins has passed on to the young son: Losing sucks and it's OK to be really pissed if you lose. You've gotta love that.

Stay tuned for Kelly Bird's new magazine PONY TAIL. It's a lifestyle magazine.

Just a quick shout out to Tig. Thanks for that e-mail breaking down the reasons why the middle east is angry at America. Good thing you sent me that, I thought this thing was all over an old gambling debt. For the love of god, Tig, go away. You make me think you used an Archie comic book to study history.

Lewman, we're waiting. I think you know what for.

Bobby Echo the first intern in skateboarding to have e-mail? Awesome!

It's just days until we start the fun and games of the countdown to the Spike Jonze movie realese, ADAPTATION and more importantly.....The season opener for the THREE PEATING LOS ANGELES LAKERS!

 

 

ENTRY #36
SEPTEMBER 14, 2002

Kelly Bird is in Brazil with a pony tail. Let's just hope he left all his Lakai t-shirts at home, the pony can not be good for marketing.

Today's Honorary Crail Canadian is Kelly's pony tail. Born in Ontario of course. Ontario is the home of the pony tail.

Knock Knock
Who's There?
Kelly's Pony
Kelly's Pony Who?
Kelly's Pony Tail.

Stay tuned for the count down to Kelly's pony tail, the movie.

 

 

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