ENTRY #682 & 1/2
FRIDAY, JULY 1, 2005
Oakland Mike gets to know Richard Simmons as THE BETTER FUCKING BOOK CLUB reads more of "Still Hungry After All These Years":
Is it just me, or after reading some of this do you just want to slap the fork out of his hand?
A few things I've already come to hate about this book:
I hate that he refers to his Mother and Father by their proper names, which happen to be Leonard and Shirley, respectively.
I hate that there's a photograph of him in a leotard and another in which he looks mysteriously like Pauly Shore on the inside cover.
I hate that I can't read any of this without hearing him telling the story in that fucking lispy voice of his.
Anyway, on to the story...
So, Milton (Richard's real name) was born in New Orleans on a very hot day in 1948. His mother went into labor while out to dinner at a Chinese restaurant. And, yeah, the phrase "the fortune cookie has broken" was used to describe the onset of his birth. Ewwww.
He also describes how his mother and father came to be in show business (shocking!), how they met, how they ended up married, and in New Orleans.
Also, during this portion of the story, you begin to see Milton's obsession with food begin. He goes into great detail about the daily (that's right, daily) shopping trips to the grocery / bakery / farmers market with his father and how much his father had made an artform out of making a sandwich. "I studied Leonard as he carefully spread the mayo on a slice of bread, so artfully and evenly, as if he were painting a fresco. Once, I swore I saw him signing his name at the bottom of a slice of rye." Wow. Riveting.
What I found interesting about his entire family dynamic was that his father stayed home to raise the kids while his mother was off "dancing". Probably because his father was 51 when Richard was born and I'm pretty sure that no one wants to see a 51 year old man dance around on stage.
While she is away from home "working", Milton begins to constantly miss his mother and begins to butt heads with his father. Plenty of "I'm moving out, you hate me" from Milton and plenty of "here, let me grab you a bag to throw all your shit in" from his father.
So, if we can learn something from the first 40 or so pages of Milton's story, it's that if you can compare a trip to the grocery to pick out porkchops to shopping at Tiffany's for jewelry, then you might very well be on your way to being overweight. Dunno, for sure, but I'm willing to take a guess.
FRIDAY, JULY 1, 2005
Happy Canada Day, Crankers!
THURSDAY, JUNE 30, 2005
No more mottos, those are for the editor only. You know, the Wu guy.
That "gas tank" idea that Bird was throwing around is still for sale. I'm imagining he's going to make you sign a confidentiality document before he launches into it's pure genius. Speaking of Bird, he just slammed his shoulder into the letter holder/note board on my door and then yelled, "what the fuck is this thing even here for". I see him really warming up as he gets older.
Paul Nett is still our favorite DC employee, sorry if we made it sound like he was number 2. Paul has all the things you want in an employee. He encourages the kids to save enough money for women and booze, he's from San Diego so he has a strong work ethic but a laid back attitude and he's got full fluffy hair.
Scott, we got a problem and a solution. The Gav and Cory are coming to the wedding together! In a limo! But here's the plan. After they both have had a few drinks, we get a ghetto blaster and place it down the hall from the dance floor so it sounds like it's live music off in the distance. We start playing Phish and Rush, back to back. Then, we have someone, let's just say Anne Huf, since she'll be sober, come running into the reception hall and tell them that Phish and Rush are playing an impromptu show down the street at a small bar and it sounds insane. Once they run to the limo to get to the show, we lock all the doors. You're welcome, happy marriage.
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 29, 2005
If you're looking for any bad ideas, Bird has a ton and he's willing to part with them. Try and get the "gas tank" one from him, awesome stuff.
Saw Jamie's boobs again. Well, one boob. She also added, "all you have to do is ask".
River Joe has fallen in love with a stripper. Who would have guessed? That Skin Industries hat he used to wear and those wrap around "Havasu" shades just don't seem like the signs of a guy that would be into strippers.
The Gav called me last night and invited me to SHNEER'S house for poker. I didn't go, but SHNEER knows more about poker then anyone and that's why Guy and Callaway won all his money. Then Callaway won Guy's money. But the point is, SHNEER didn't win and he's the best at poker, he's got more then 7 years experience.
TUESDAY, JUNE 28, 2005
Tonight we're taking Supra Pete to dinner to make up for calling one of his employee's "dumb ass." Hopefully the guy he's bringing with him isn't the guy we called "dumb ass," because that would be uncomfortable. Just kidding, it wouldn't be. Who really cares? We're bringing Bird with us because he needs love and comfort to become a more tolerant patient loving man.
The Gav has a car service that he works with regularly for transportation. So let's take a look at things:
The Gav has a "plant lady" that waters his plants, a financial advisor, a lovely fiance, home owners insurance, a 401K... never mind.
I asked Smyth if I could borrow his digital camera and of course he said yes because when it's time for a raise he wants to know that he's been gracious. I'm going to break it like he did mine when he borrowed it. Thanks Sam, I'll give it to Jamie after I break off the little door that holds in the batteries.
Anyone watch Dance 360? Tag your man, tag your man.
MONDAY, JUNE 27, 2005
Oakland Mike, we may need to pick a new book. I read the first ten pages but I can't attack the guy because at the point in which I stopped reading, he's back in his home town of New Orleans to visit his bed ridden mother.
But let's pretend like we don't know that and I'll tell you that the book starts out with a detailed account of a phone call to his brother when he decided to write the book. The highlight of that part of the book? His brother ends the call with, "I love you, Dicky". If people call you Dicky when you're growing up because your name is Richard, you may end up being sort of dicky or maybe even into dicky.
I'm not sure I can stay committed to this but I won't quit until you get your turn to read.
Shneer, call me and let me know what your strategy is for the slot machines. Does that also take 7 years of experience before you truly grasp the concept?
Today's Honorary Crail Canadian is the Supra employee who told us to honor Neil Sedaka after we already did. Welcome to The Tap, dumb ass.
If you are reading this and you attended Anne and Keith's wedding back in the 90's, please take the time to check and see if you got them a gift. Since Anne and Keith were married before anyone even knew what to wear to a wedding, people also were not savvy enough to know that you bring a gift for the lovely couple and they still do not have formal china or a toaster. Rickk, Mikey, Frosty, none of you had a gift with you, get on it.
FRIDAY, JUNE 24, 2005
Oh wait, I just checked the calendar, it's "No Post Friday."
THURSDAY, JUNE 23, 2005
Got an email from a DC employee who I think might be trying to de-throne Paul Nett as our favorite employee at DC by simply reiterating that Mark Cuban is a tool. Sometimes that's all it takes.
THE FUCKING BETTER BOOK CLUB is off to a slow start because Oakland Mike found out, much to our surprise, that Richard Simmon's book is out of print. He ordered one off ebay or some website for $1.00. I'll read slow so I don't get too ahead of you, Mike.
Did anyone else feel the earthquake at 3:30 this morning? It was centered in Marina Del Rey and it was only 3.0 but I'm supposed to take a Killer Abs class at 6PM and I've been awake for more then 12 hours already and I'm really worried how I am going to perform.
Mikey, I found out more about Neverland that I think will also comfort you. When they were putting the stucco on the snow cone stand, it took three coats to get the proper baby blue. How stressed would that make you?
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 22, 2005
Well, we've got a new book club and The Yucca Two got the boot. The new club is called THE BETTER FUCKING BOOK CLUB and it's just me and Oakland Mike. We're going to each read the Richard Simmon's autobiography titled, Still Hungry After All These Years. We'll take turns reading 10 pages each and then post our report. Don't come crawling back, EA and Carnalag, when Wallride deadline is over and your lives are empty and without any intellect. I'll read the first ten pages tonight, Oakland Mike.
Mikey, I heard when Michael Jackson was building his Neverland Ranch, the Merry Go Round was delivered three weeks late. I figured that would make you feel better. If the King of Pop can't get stuff done on time, who can?
Our warehouse manager also cuts our employees hair. I don't think Microsoft has an on site beautician!
Yesterday The Gav emailed me twice to say, "let's have dinner tonight" so last night I sat by the phone hungry and waiting and then I started to get dizzy from hunger so I tried to walk to 7-11 and I got robbed and beaten and didn't have any money for food so I went back home and sat by the phone until I passed out from hunger.
I wonder how Tim's doing today. Good, I hope.
Surf Brandy from Podium, remember that time I gave you those decks for that charity event? Well, I have to ask for a return favor. Can you send Tony Larson here at Girl some size 11 flip flops? For the last two days he's been wearing size 9 flip flops and I'm worried about his heels. They're getting all chapped and I don't think they make chapstick for heels, do they? He likes flames and stuff so if you have fancy ones, that's even better.
TUESDAY, JUNE 21, 2005
Yesterday I got an award for most typos ever in a single column. Honored, of course.
Ben "Tombstone Fire Dance" Colen needs to use his wizardry to manage his time better. You don't have time for a quick explanation of how your friend got the name River Jim, Ben? Just call and get it over with, especially if the story is lame, you're setting yourself up to feel like I did when everyone waited for that #666 entry and then it was the height of sucktitude.
Ben, just take off your cape and call with the story. Meza is sitting by the phone.
Remember when that guy from Oakland wanted to be in the book club with me and I told him "no" because I thought the book club was cooler with the Denim Twins only? Well, he wrote to me to basically say, "I hope you're happy with your choice of book club members". You're right Mike, I thought EA and Carnalag would see this through but when it doesn't involve beer or Bikini Kill, I guess they don't care.
Sorry Mike, if you want to read the Richard Simmons book together, let me know.
If you're a stripper in the Vegas area or a stripper that might be going to the Vegas area this weekend, two words for you: RIVER JOE. Sales Rep Peter Artiga is preparing to walk down the aisle with his lovely fiance by spending a weekend in Vegas and he's invited everyone, even River Joe. Ladies, be careful.
And remember, crabs are only cute when they're in the sand on the beach.
Anne Huf, what are you wearing to The Meza's 30 person dinner party tonight? Oops.
MONDAY, JUNE 20, 2005
I guess we you won't get to know how Burt Ryenold's life unfolds. The Fucking Book Club broke up. Carnalag put the book back on my door with a post it on the picture of Burt that said, "I'm a total dick". I wonder if Burt wore tight designer jeans if EA and Carnalag would have been interested in keeping the book club together. I guess only the counter people at Togo's that listen to them whisper sweet nothings to each other will know.
Ty, can you please send that freak that hosted your column whatever it is your promised him! As if life isn't hard enough without worrying about some Canadian lunatic that could show up and mow us all down in a curtain of bullets! Send him his treat! And Send him a Fourstar notebook just to show him we really are sincere.
Once again, yesterday when The Pope read the weekly blessing, no mention of us.
Still waiting to hear why and how Ben "Bat Wing Dust Soup" Colen's friend got to have "river" in front of his name. I know it can't be as good why our Joe got the name.
Not that I care but yesterday for the second time in a week, Anne Huf asked me what I was wearing to something that I wasn't invited to. I think it boosts her confidence. Not to shoot you down Anne, but I think it's safe to say after you announced that you were attending Mihaly's wedding (which by the way, if your kids name aren't on the invite, don't bring 'em, there won't be a place for them to sit) I realized that your seat easily could have been my seat. You said you've known him for twelve years. Who's been buying ads from him for twelve years? Wait, was this a stupid competition or a popularity contest? OK, you win, have fun.
Oh, Anne, what are you wearing to my party tonight? Oops!
FRIDAY, JUNE 17, 2005
Paul Nett, nice prediction on the game. I thought the two rules of living in San Diego were that you own a wetsuit and you're psychic, what happened?
Sorry about pinning the Togo's on EA and Carnalag yesterday, they pointed the finger at Mueller. Andy, just because you're all emo and and no one here can yell at you doesn't mean you can just dump your trash on the lunch table. And I think it's very un-emo to do that. I think if the guy from Bright Eyes knew about this, he would be crying from underneath his umbrella in concert rather then singing from underneath it.
I should have known it wasn't EA and his boyfriend, they spend their lunches looking for the newest tight fitting denim.
You're right Mez, I did leave a few more people out of The Gav's grooms men list:
The manager at Texas Loosey's
Here's the top 5 things that level 2 doesn't know about level 1:
1.We've seen Jamies' boobs three times
2. We don't share our outside snacks that we bring in with you
3. The warehouse listens to reggae on Thursdays
4. Some of us regularly play the lotto with no intention of sharing the winnings with you
5. The man has been deemed the "hottest guy at Girl" holds an office down here.
That's awesome that Ben "Velvet Wizard" Colen has a friend named River Jim but we need to know where he got the name before we lump him in with River Joe. Let us know, Ben.
THURSDAY, JUNE 16, 2005
Paul Nett said we have to go for the Spurs because of their west coast. He's still all caught up in that "Biggie/Tupac" crap. Paul Nett is our very favorite DC shoe Co employee. And no one is even near a close second. Sorry Lipton.
Meza, those weren't Jelly Belly's that you were burning a patch in the carpet on the stairs for. Those were gourmet jelly beans. Jelly Belly's have the Jelly Belly name stamped on the side of them. Write yourself a note of this and put it in the pocket of your green windbreaker. Misinformation like this is what holds us all back.
You know how I've mentioned from time to time that people here leave their lunch wrappers on the lunch table and it makes me wonder if they think that someone should clean up after them? It also makes me want to have someone drag them out to the parking lot and cane them. Well, yesterday two people that ate at Togo's left all their trash on the table. We're not pointing the finger just yet but maybe those two people were in a hurry to get back up to the art department. Ya think, EA?
This came from Spike. Note the spelling of "campain":
"I'm not sure how this fits into your goats are evil campain, but that is not my expertise to know such a thing."
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 15, 2005
Some guy from Hawaii sent me an email saying that if "Manu Ginobili was a Laker I would be babbling and gushing like Pat O'Brien on coke talking about how fucking hot he is." So.
My true predicament in life right now is figuring out if I hate Kobe more then I love Phil Jackson.
Shneer, you're right, poker does take years to learn and it's all skill and no luck. That's why after watching Phil Hellmuth's instructional video for 30 minutes I went on line and won the first ten hands I played. I was even comfortably throwing around the word "river" to other opponents. Lucky for me I played under Rickk's email address and name so the other losers playing think I was him.
Seven years? Sure.
The following people are possibly The Gav's grooms men. Since he can't say no to anyone, if you're on the list, bring a tux and Tim will let you know at game time:
All the Dunlaps
All the Dunlaps kids
The door man from Joseph's (Gav doesn't know your name either)
The singer from Hoobastank
The drummer from Puddle of Mud
TUESDAY, JUNE 14, 2005
Tonight's Game 3 of the NBA finals in case you don't have a TV guide. Rickk told me last week that if you really think about it, "this is good solid basketball we're going to see with these two teams." I love when he tries to convince himself of stuff by saying it out loud over and over again. Yeah, nothing like watching Manu Ginobili spaz down the court like a moth on meth. That is good solid basketball, you're right.
We're bringing back The Honorary Crail Canadian again only because you never know when Crankers is going to check Crail and say to himself, "wow, Rickk has really lost his roots."
Today's Honorary Crail Canadian is Hume Cronyn. He was an actor that won a Tony award for best supporting actor in Hamlet. He was also married to Jessica Tandy for a long long time. Of course like every other Canadian he was born in Ontario. He was quoted one time as saying, "I don't mind playing absolute bastards." He died in 2003 but I know they check Crail in heaven so welcome to The Tap, Hume.
The Girl Warehouse team is backing that Carl's Jr breakfast sandwich. I guess if you eat one for breakfast, you can skip lunch and don't need to eat again until dinner. "It's like a sock in the gut," said ringleader Rich.
Sounds disgusting and that's probably why the boys bathrooms always stink.
Diamond Nick has tons of Michael Jackson jokes that he has now shelved in respect of The King of Pop's innocence. Hard to follow what means anything to Nick, but we're working on it.
MONDAY, JUNE 13, 2005
Not Guilty. Sure.
FRIDAY, JUNE 10, 2005
"I have been anticipating entry #666 for weeks. What I read today can only be classified as a complete disappointment. Turning on the darkness, huh? You could have at least drawn a picture of a goat or something." Mike Kijewski
I couldn't agree with you more, Mike. But Hime only stepped in because I couldn't think of anything dark enough. Look, I am the one that failed and then turned to Hime, and that was a mistake. He's a rep, he probably had to golf or something and didn't have time.
To show you how sorry I am, you can do my column for entry #6666. That gives you a little over 16 years to get a good column together.
Again, my apologies for sucking on a day that is so important to all of us.
THURSDAY, JUNE 9, 2005
Those who worship Satan, or any of the following;Archfiend, beast, brute, devil, evil spirit, fiend, goblin, hellion, imp, incubus, little devil, malignant spirit, monster, rascal, rogue, vampire, villain, windigo,old nick, the devil beelzebub, the tempter, prince of darkness, we salute you today, and today only. Sacrifice what you may.
Psalms 14:12 Thou shalt buy more girl chocolate and fourstar.
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 8, 2005
Crankers got an agent and now he has a mansion, he's buying dirt bikes and I bet a screening room for that episode of S.K.A.T.E can't be far behind. Nice work, Ricky. Why'd you wait so long? You could have been getting tons of bitches on tour.
Yesterday Mikey was out in front of his house when an older Russian woman walking by told him the color he chose for the stucco on his home was gross. The rest of the story gets ugly so I'll give you the highlight. After telling the whole story and Mikey's lovely ladies response to the woman, he said, "it's a good thing I'm not one of those weird domestic violence dudes." Uh, yeah, Mike, it really is.
In more Mikey news, I think when The Mez bragged about how cultured Mikey and Desa are getting, he left out the part about Mikey wanting to speed up his buzz, asking for a triple shot of vodka in his drink and then barfing in his hotel room. Now that's culture.
What about the name "Rotor" for a new company? Just kidding.
Tomorrow the darkness gets turned on (What?).
I have to go, Smyth is sick and he touched a bunch of stuff on my desk. I have to go Lysol wipe everything down.
TUESDAY, JUNE 7, 2005
Gosh, one more vacation and I'm going to really need a rest. I'm exhausted from fruity drinks in Acapulco. Meza, it's Cabo and when you don't get the locations right, the jokes aren't as funny.
We're not doing the Guess the Stoner thing in this column anymore. People are scared they'll get fired. Or maybe they'll just be at a sales meeting and their hilarious sales manager will have a fake cop come pretend they're getting busted for the weed they left in their hotel room. How did so many comedians end up in action sports? (I like that last sentence a lot).
We're also not following basketball anymore. Remember how I predicted Detroit in seven games? So, that's that and we'll just leave that alone.
Congratulations to the Chocolate Team for getting Best Team from Transworld. I'm not sure who has made the Chocolate team feel worse, Meza for repeatedly writing that Rickk's bummed they won or Transworld for not giving us a heads up so we could fly MJ down and you could have all seen his weiner once he was drunk.
Speaking of Marc's weiner, Rickk loaned him his foot powder to powder that thing with. What? Does that make you uncomfortable?
Someone on Chocolate was the victim of a hate crime. I can't say who or when or what happened. I can't say if the police were involved. Nothing. Mikey told me I had to keep it a secret.
Two more days until the darkest entry ever!!!
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 1, 2005
I think I have a lawsuit against ABC. They have a reality show coming on next season about a bunch of brats that get sent to a camp and the counselor tries to make good kids out of them. Sounds a little too familiar to me.
TUESDAY, MAY 31, 2005
The bad news is we're bumming you out with more baskteball news for the next few weeks, the good news? More reasons to tell your friends you hate us. Shaq is almost back to his "loser" weight. I like how he showed up in Miami 50 pounds lighter and then come playoffs he's back to his fat ass self. Fun, right Miami? This one's going to seven games, Miami takes it.
Did you know hate is the new pink?
At The Gav's pre-memorial Day BBQ, after he had about 7 white wines and Red Bull, he announced that he wants to organize a bunch of people to go on a West Coast Trey Anastasio tour. He said Kevin WilkiMs is down to go. And he said that Kevin WilkiMs works at The Skateboard Mag. What are the chances that a magazine would have two editors both having Kevin for a first name and then their last names are just one letter apart?
Bird's making leaps and bounds in the anger department. He sat next to a crying one year old for an entire flight from NY to LA and didn't snap. And he was hung over. I think we see a budding young man finding his way.
Time to go make the most of my day, I do that everyday.
FRIDAY, MAY 27, 2005
I like how Meza lists what city he's posting from, he adds such a cosmopolitan flavor to the building.
Smyth has two snacks in his vending machine right now that are advertising Star Wars and it's working. Rickk has said at least a dozen times that he wants to see the movie and that he's heard good things about it. Nice work Smyth. And Lucas.
Frosty, call your manager or you're in big trouble. He said the word, "fuck" yesterday when he was looking for you. Plus, I talked to that one trend forecaster and he said flakiness is so out right now. But on the other hand, Holy Man Diego look last time he came by! Red cargo shorts and a nylon pullover! Either he's so ahead of the trends or "SDSU FULL ON JOCK" look is making a come back for Spring 06 and he already got some early samples.
Are run-on sentences in?
We heard from Mike Leon and he finally came clean. There is something to be said about having a job where you are able to fart in a meeting. Means a lot to us, Mike, really. We miss you, too.
River Joe Fun Fact: When you're riding a Jet Ski and you spray water really high in the air, it's called a rooster tail. That might not be a fact but the fun makes up for that.
THURSDAY, MAY 26, 2005
Don't worry, I'm already shopping around for someone to take over this column. I'll keep you posted. (Get it, "posted?").
TUESDAY, MAY 17, 2005
Last night was the big night! The Bachelor season finale! Sarah B got chosen to be the lucky girlfriend of that complete tool only because Sarah W is so pretty that no one ever likes her. I don't know what was lamer, how hard Charlie (the bachelor) was crying at the end of the show or how hard I was crying sitting on my couch watching. Either way, we're both lame. I'm just smart enough to not let the camera's run my cover.
Did you see in the Randoms how The Mez was hating on that guy that hired Destiny's Child for his kids Bar Mitzvah? As if Aaron wouldn't have hired Usher to perform at he and Diana's wedding if he had the dough. Come on, Mez, leave the hating to the little people.
Bird wasn't able to get in to the premier of Skate More last night. I think it's safe to say The Gav will hear the end of that... um... never. Nice Tim, just when we all thought his demeanor was improving.
Diamond Nick's Ultimate Fantasy: To go home from a club with two chicks who hit on him because they liked his Nike's. Then after they are done having sex on a pile of hundred dollar bills, someone breaks in the bedroom of his house that was just featured in an episode of Cribs and he pulls out a machine gun and sprays bullets on the intruder. I think it ends with him at an Active Demo with the sickest motor home and pop up tent of all the teams there.
MONDAY, MAY 16, 2005
I had this great interview set up with Larson but he had to go to the bank so once again my column sucks because of someone else.
Tomorrow, seriously, tomorrow I'll have all Bird's complaints about people that bugged him at the Skate More premier and maybe even an update from someone that we previously banned.
OK... Here it is, Larson's Birthday interview.........
1. How was your birthday?
Honestly, the best birthday I can remember.
2. Any naked girls?
One naked girl.
3. Any naked guys?
I left my thong on.
4. Best gift?
All black San Diego Padre New Era cap / or The Police 4 disc box set.
5. Anyone come up to you and ask you, "Hey, do you still work for those kooks, Rickk and Mike?"
No, but I was asked if I like my job. I said, I love it.
6. Did Paul Nett bring his baby?
No Paul sightings. He was breast feeding his son all weekend.
FRIDAY, MAY 13, 2005
Not sure if I'm the only one that thinks it's sort of odd when a man carries another man on his shoulders. That would mean, say for instance, Sam's package was on the back of the neck of say for instance, Buscemi. Weird.
How insane would it be to work in an office and when you go out of town, your co-workers discuss how much less disgusting the bathroom has smelled since you left? That would suck, right Mez?
Sanger, next time there are boobs on display downstairs, we'll buzz you. Sorry about that.
So much funnier next week.
THURSDAY, MAY 12, 2005
Who posted the Daily Photo today? Are they not aware that we have not lifted the Crail Cloak of Darkness off of the evil trend forecaster? Do they know that not honoring the Crail Cloak of Darkness can lead to witch like maidens casting a spell that can cause the toilet upstairs to overflow? (Side note: Nice Forum jacket, Jon. Is that the one that ended up in the fire?).
We are not giving up the goats. The goats are ours. Larson feels too strongly about this one so we're sticking by the goats. Plus, raccoons are sort of mean and when you throw apples at them to get them out of your yard, they think you're feeding them.
Plus, Larson already had to give up the rainbow.
Mueller got dismissed from jury duty today by standing up and announcing he wasn't familiar with his employers policy and he could lose his job if he were to miss two weeks of work. That's weird. When I was called for jury duty I said that I ran a company and if I was gone for two weeks 70 people might lose their jobs. I was asked to sit down. But then I cried the next day and they let me go.
Correction from yesterday, we saw one boob, not two. Meza and Mikey are still bumming.
Richard Mulder just told me that his water heater broke but he was still in a terrific mood. The guy is never bummed, it's insane.
WEDNESDAY, MAY 11, 2005
Jenkins is so lame at being a dick. He got sent a link to show what biters The Skateboard Mag was being by ripping off our goat fetish, and he forwards it to Sanger, and Sanger props them. Whatever, Andy, you're so cool.
Well, we're not into goats anymore, they're satan's little puppies and you guys can have them. We're into raccoons now so go ahead and get your new poll up.
The other day when I thought the warehouse dudes were listening to 98 degrees, they were listening to Usher. They wanted me to correct that. Now how bad ass do they seem?
Someone showed their boobs to us today. Mikey and Meza are kicking themselves right now!
The Fourstar Japan trip is off to a great start with radio announcements hyping "Rick Carroll" at a coming in store. I hope Eric Mariano makes it there, too.
The secret part in the DVS video is Tim Gavin. Sorry to spoil it.
TUESDAY, MAY 10, 2005
I like it up here on my high horse, it's fun.
MONDAY, MAY 9, 2005
Bird is fine. I know a lot of you were concerned when you saw his team get the crap beat out of them by the Maverick's that he would need to be committed but he's fine. He hates Yao and broke a remote but all in all the guy handled a painful pitiful loss like a champ.
Gav, can you put me on the list plus 22 for the VIP section for Monday? Thanks.
I invited Shneer to go to Power Sculpt class with me tonight but he turned it down. He probably has to get over to the Hustler casino and fist fight someone or put it all on red or something healthy like that. Gav's wedding party is going to look like a group of chubby guys that are forming a support group to cut out the carbs. Except for Hime who is the only one in the group that can resist a Snicker's bar.
Finally The Mez went on a trip where he's gone long enough for us to get the fishtank in his office. I think it will be good for his self esteem. He's still a little sore about not being in Jamie's Top 5 hottest guys that work or skate for Girl. With the tank in his office, the ladies will be swarming.
Our warehouse staff listens to 98 degrees on Monday's to sort of get the blood flowing.
Carnalg is back and doing something in his office that is making him go blind. I should just go for today, things are getting too gay.
FRIDAY, MAY 6, 2005
Schneer just made the fatal mistake of pointing out the correct spelling of his last name. Such an easy target.
THURSDAY, MAY 5, 2005
If Houston loses tonight, please join us in an early ceremony to wish Bird well in his new home, a psychiatric hospital.
Speaking of Bird, when you call his office phone, the greeting starts with, "How's it going...". Are you supposed to leave how it really is going on the message, Bird? Let me know, it always throws me off.
If Larson was smart, he'd get together with Bob K and Fifer and form a sweet little lawsuit against Rickk. First Rickk put bottle rockets in Fifer's pocket while he was sleeping and lit them. His defense was that Fifer was the only sober person and he needed him to go get beer. Then he lit a stack of firecrackers under Bob K's desk while Bob was sleeping under his desk. His defense on this one is that Bob K needed to wake up and work.
Now he's firing bottle rockets at Larson's head. No defense on this one but he did say that Larson knows when he hears a bottle rocket to hide behind his monitor. Come on, Tone, that fishtank could be yours!
To help fight that talk we always here about Girl being a bunch of jocks, Gav, Schneer, Rickk, Callaway and Guy have formed a Wednesday night tennis club. Not just jocks, kids, country club jocks.
Smyth, I guess you have some nest egg I don't know about because the snack machine is looking weak. Take care of your future. Stock that thing.
You know what's sad? Carnalag has been gone all week and My Little Dumpling is walking around like his puppy got run over. Come back Jeremy, your wife needs you.
We took some test to see who was going to hell and surprise surprise, River Joe had the most clout to get in that hot spot. I'm sure there's a Havasu version of that test that has Slippery Dolphin questions in it.
WEDNESDAY, MAY 4, 2005
The Gav left me a voice mail using the word, "elusive." No, I mean using it correctly.
TUESDAY, MAY 3, 2005
I'll check with Mrs.The Mez but I think that thing he wrote about being funny on Sunday was bullshit. I don't think he was funny all week.
Bird changed the message on his cell phone greeting to a simple, "FUCK OFF" after Houston lost again to The Mavericks. Can you imagine what it's like around Bird's place when you mix in that negative energy with that already existing festering home of negative energy?
You want another goat myth, Larson? Here it is:
GOATS ARE BROWSERS.
Total Bullshit. The bold statement that goats are browsers is misleading and inaccurate. Goats are intermediate or mixed feeders. Goats have evolved as very adaptable and flexible feeders. The fact that goats can browse more then sheep does not mean goats are exclusively browser more then cattle means sheep are exclusively browsers. Goats and sheep are both capable of browsing. Goats are more adaptable and flexible feeders then sheep.
(On a side note, the site that I get this goat information on has more typo's then The Tap. That's why I can't tell if the paragraph above makes any sense because I don't know what words are supposed to be there. Sorry).
The Bachelor! Where to begin? Sarah W, the chick that thought she was above and beyond any and all competition got the boot! So that's good news. Sarah B is going to be the winner because the other girl that is left is unbearable. Every where she and The Bachelor went and saw was so magical and overwhelming for her that it seemed like she was a Reader's Digest reader that won a date with the hunk from her favorite soap. Oh, and when they were on a boat ride back to shore so she could put her outfit on that she got at Fashion Land she announced that she was seeing her first sunset. Yeah you are.
All the girls that have been eliminated come back next Monday. So good!
The Gav's head and face are small.
MONDAY, MAY 2, 2005
Today as I drove to lunch with Mikey, I thought to myself, "He's really grown up, not such a creepy little pervert anymore." And then during lunch he said that he would like to talk to someone that might have slept with a certain celebrity, "just to see what it was like." Yuk.
I'm not sure what company Reda works for, but I do know what company that I work for, and I would never go to the company Reda works for and yell across the offices to the boss. But that's just me. And that's just Reda, he's a loud New Yorker.
The Gav is looking so round right now. Not sure if it was the haircut or some excess water retention but he's puffy right now. Timmy, you need to cut salt and do some cardio before the big day or that tux is going to be tight and itchy.
Rickk doesn't believe me that the government has tested a certain vibration that can make people have diarrhea and our military has tested it in combat. He also said he would still be able to fight a war with diarrhea.
Right! He and Meza can barely walk through a mall or shop for a house without collapsing from having to crap and now I'm to believe Rickk can do battle in this state? Sure.
FRIDAY, APRIL 29, 2005
Our secretary, Jamie, who lots of people that come through our offices take the time to flirt with, told the other girls in the office last week who she thought was the hottest guy that strolls through here. We'll never tell but we will tell you this, The Mez wasn't even in the top 3! A fact that is probably most shocking to The Mez himself.
So I tried to set The Hime up with my friend at Golds and when she was asking me about him, I only had to tell her 12 lies to keep her interested. I think the one that will come back to land me a safe spot in hell was when she asked if The Hime sleeps with a lot of girls that he's not in relationships with. I think we have a love connection based on tons of deception.
I was looking at the San Francisco slang from The Randoms yesterday and there were a few mistakes. "Bluebird" is a children's clothing line I manufactured for a while and "Pervin" is what Mikey is doing most of the time.
Ty and Spike and Rickk need another microphone and amp of some sort for the filming of the Fourstar Japan tour. Cool, right? Spike, can you feel the underlying disdain for you in this paragraph or have you lost your ability to sense that sort of thing? Let me know, I'm super interested in what's going on with you and just how your tick in general.
We're keeping River Joe. The way we see it is that if we fire him, we're not going to get to hear that many stories about chicks on speed boats out at Havasu and basically none of us knew what a Chili Dog was until yesterday afternoon so he's a keeper.
THURSDAY, APRIL 28, 2005
So River Joe is looking for work if anyone's hiring.
TUESDAY, APRIL 26, 2005
Last night while the Rockets played the Mavericks, Bird got to see what it felt like to have your team in the playoffs and have a friend that is an asshole root for the other team. I'm sure he learned nothing from the experience.
I was in that meeting that Sanger spoke of when he had terrible gas and was farting. I guess I didn't notice the farts because Spike was eating a salad that had walnuts in it and all I could hear was him chewing. Spike also didn't know why we hired The Mez. And he called our warehouse manager, Richy when his name is Rich.
Spike, not good for the street cred to be so disconnected from us.
Too bad I don't put cool video clips and photo shows and stuff like that up here because you would have gotten to see a beautiful photo of a beautiful herd of goats in Morocco. A Tapper named Sean sent it in. Larson teared up and said, "now I know what heaven looks like". God Bless, you, Sean.
I have to go work on tomorrow's column.
FRIDAY, APRIL 22, 2005
We haven't had a HARSH HAIR UPDATE in a while but when Frosty comes by looking like the love child of Mac Davis and GI Joe, I think it's time. He grew some sort of a beard that summed up is best called sketchy. It looks like the kind of thing you do when you've just escaped from prison and you're on the run. First Cribs, then Trippin' and now America's Most Wanted? He has the best agent in all of skating.
This is in response to "Jim" who wanted to know who River Joe is. River Joe handles shipping and receiving here at The Tap headquarters and he is probably the most "OC" of anyone in the building. He goes to Havasu on those crazy weekends and I know if we really committed to some good research, he's in the background in at least three of the Girls Gone Wild videos. He even owns some Skin Industries apparel. I wouldn't doubt if his dream was to own a boat and a couple jet skis. Actually, I think that's Larson's dream but he likes to keep it on the down low. I was going to name him Havasu Joe but then you would think he was from Lake Havasu when really he's from San Pedro. So, that's River Joe.
Glen that sent in issue 5 of 411VM, your prize is on the way. When I handed it to Rickk, the look on his face reminded me of when Charlie found the golden ticket in Willy Wonka. He was stoked. Thanks Glen, your gift is on the way.
The first part of Gav's cell phone is 310-619-....Gav, call me and let me know if you can give me that email address I need or if you want the rest of your number up here. It's your choice. Thanks buddy.
Larson's thoughts on Sam and his disregard of the goats:
"It's hard to know what to say Ringer...Considering the opportunity that Sam had, it's pretty disgusting really. Some people go their whole lives without the chance to see an entire herd of goats, and I'd like to think that if someone did have the chance, the LEAST they could do is document it. A photo or a field recording... Something! Luckily, I have had several privileged encounters with goat herds, and let me tell you, I didn't waste one moment of those rare glimpses into the lives of the misunderstood C. Hircus, or common goat."
THURSDAY, APRIL 21, 2005
Smyth sent me a text message yesterday and I don't know how to use that option on my phone so I just saw the first part that said, "I just saw the most evil flock of......" I thought the next word would be "seagulls" but when I scrolled down it said, "goats." Smyth, you're going to have to deal with Larson when you get back. He's spent the last 5-6 years trying to show that goats are not evil and you haven't heard a word of it. What about all those sweet goat noises he played for us the other day? Were you listening? Really disappointed, Sam.
I can't even do this column, I'm that upset!
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 20, 2005
Still no call from Crankers. Rick, you don't want to be known as a bigger jerk then Rickk, come on, call us.
Why shouldn't our DHL guy get a Lakai shoe? No, really, why?
The Mez is working on a harassment lawsuit against Rickk. Yesterday in a meeting, Rickk turned to The Mez and said, "you look like you put on a few pounds while I was gone." I'm pretty sure it won't go far when Rickk counter sues with his case from the time The Mez looked at a zit on Rickk's cheek and asked him if he had been eating pizza. What do I get out of all this? I get to see what it felt like to work at Sassy.
I haven't spoke to Bird since he got back from Spain but here's the last thing he said to me on the phone before he left Spain, "I'm getting on a party boat right now, I'm sure I'll have a great story for you, everyone else is back at the hotel."
You're sure you'll have a great story for me? I don't remember telling anyone I like to hear stories about grown men dancing with their shirts off while making out with 300 pound European women. Buy hey, maybe I did.
I'm bummed, I just realized I'm in Paris when the DVS Skate More premier is happening. Oh, wait, I just looked closer at the ad and there are 462 premiers worldwide, I can make one of those for sure. Thanks, Timmy.
TUESDAY, APRIL 19, 2005
Yesterday I forgot to give you a goat myth so today you get an extra special one:
YOU CAN'T GET A GOAT FAT
This myth is generally based on observations of dairy goats or kids which have very little subcutaneous fat. Goats have different distributions of fat in their bodies compared to sheep. They have a lower proportion of total body fat as subcutaneous fat and a higher proportion of internal fat compared to sheep. Carcase fatness of goats is related to carcase weight, body condition score, nutritional treatment, stocking rate liveweight and sex. Heavier goats in good body condition are much fatter then light goats in poor body condition. Many commentators have compared small goats with larger sheep thus confounding species differences with carcase weight of differences. Boer goats are a breed that can tend to obesity.
My Little Dumpling or as you know him, Carnahan's Chick, sent me an email with the word "boner" in it. I think it's safe to say as the boss here, I've lost some control of the place when employees are fine with the word "boner" in their correspondence. Maybe I'm not the boss here. Yesterday someone introduced me as the person that "sort of runs the place". It was a Canadian so it doesn't really count.
Speaking of Canadians, Crankers has 72 hours to leave us a voice mail or we're over him. He's been on some Canadian high horse shit and hasn't called people back. Ricky, that's the other Rickk's job to be a dick, you're supposed to be the "nice Rick". Get it together.
We have some First Floor/Second Floor tension from time to time and I just realized, if push came to shove, the first floor would waste the second floor in hand to hand combat. The second floor has all the art fags which right out of the gate spells loss. They do have Abeyta but he's too peaceful to make a difference. Rickk could pose a threat but other then that they're bumming. Our warehouse alone could take them. And you know River Joe has some crazy Havasu fighting techniques that regular people don't know about.
I have to go. We're co-branding a shoe with the auto body shop down the street and we need to get the ad campaign together.
MONDAY, APRIL 18, 2005
The Clippers finished ahead of The Lakers this season. Nice work, Kobe, hopefully the Laker organization will let you choose the new coach.
Rickk can finally get a good night's sleep. Two kind Tappers, Luke and Glen, both have an extra copy of 411VM number 5 that they are willing to part with. I think it's safe to say someone has a guardian angel!
Yesterday my sister told me she wants to fire her employees when they refer to leaving as "bouncing" or when they use the word, "Holla." I decided I'm going to have Diamond Nick go spend a week at her office so she can see how "street" the kids are today.
Guess which company is co-branding a shoe with Chili's?
Time to go feed The Mez' fish.
FRIDAY, APRIL 15, 2005
Goat myth number 2: Goats are less selective than sheep. They just aren't, take my word for it.
If anyone has 411VM issue 5, I think Rickk will pay top dollar. That would round out his library and really fill in that missing piece in his life. It must be on VHS, though. His collection is old school, so to speak.
That's all I have for you. When The Mez, or as we like to call him, "the wind beneath our wings", is out of town, my inspiration just disappears.
THURSDAY, APRIL 14, 2005
When didn't Crail suck, Rob? The week before we registered the domain name?
Yesterday I was trying to find the name of a certain designer and I ended up in a chat room where they were discussing Terry Richardson. Here was the first and only post I read: "There is a fine line between art and porn...beauty and smut....where do you draw that line? I think Terry challenges this". Weird, I thought he was just a pathetic pervert battling middle age. I'm stoked I was wrong.
We're going to spend the next couple of weeks exposing the myths about goats. They are Larson's favorite animal and he feels like because some dumb ass put their image on Satan's little stamp of approval, they are misunderstood.
Myth #1: Goats are hardy
This has misled many people into framing goats in extreme environments such as degraded semiarid scrub, tall eucalyptus forests, degraded dry woodland overgrown with unpalatable native regrowth, often with disastrous results for the goats and financial loss for the owners. Improving our husbandry practices would help goats become more hardy.
The Gav has taken up German as a third language. That would make broken English his second language and Arizonian his first.
I have to go, there's dreams that I need to make come true.
TUESDAY, APRIL 12, 2005
It's weird, I don't call The Mez out when he says, "these ones" and sounds like a modern day hillbilly. Oh, that's right, I'm the adult in the building.
The Bachelor continues to change my life with it's greatness. Kimberly from Canada who claims she's a swimsuit model, went on an individual date with Charlie. He was taking her to a art showing so she decided to dress like a two dollar whore. (Can you get whore's for $2, Hime?). After they looked at the "art" he invited her back to his place where they dry humped for a while. She kept smiling and showing her weird gums. Oh, and I guess since it's so cold in Canada, there isn't much competition for swimsuit models, Diamond Nick has a better body then this girl.
The one girl that didn't get a rose, before the rose ceremony, said, "I"m smart, I'm funny, I have values and morals". Right, that's how you ended up crying your eyes out on a reality show over a guy you've known for 12 days.
I could watch this show all day.
Not sure how to rule on this one but Shane from Active says that Frosty does not cheat at golf and doesn't know what the other people that golf with Frosty are talking about. And Pete Rose didn't bet on baseball.
I have to go, The Mez is going to show me how to use my salad fork.
MONDAY, APRIL 11, 2005
I have to go get ready for The Bachelor so for once, The Randoms will be better then my column.
FRIDAY, APRIL 8, 2005
Good thing for Frosty and Rickk they were out of town for last nights Laker game. They lost to the Rockets which would have meant your cell phones would have been ringing before you could get out of section 105 and although you wouldn't have taken the call, just seeing BIRD HOME on the screen would have been enough. Phil Jackson was in the crowd, that was the best part of the whole game.
The entire Fourstar team as well as about 60 other people are going to Japan for a tour and to make a video. Ty, Rickk and Spike just need to hire a butcher, a baker and a candle stick maker and then I think they'll have everyone they need with them.
Last night in a ceremony to temporarily pull the Cloak of Darkness back from Buscemi, I took the bones of a dead rat, painted them chrome with purple accents and dusted them with the dried petals of a black rose. Now that the ban is off I wanted to tell you the following about Buscemi: The guy is going to be single handedly responsible for the death of co-branding. I mean, it's already dead but the nail in the coffin, so to speak.
Tonight we burn sage incense and wave black velvet streamers through the smoke while "Don't Fear the Reaper" plays in the distance and the ban is back in place for no less then 3 years.
Another episode of SOMETIMES THE SKATERS ARE IDIOTS. When Girl first started, Mikey didn't have any credit so I co-signed on a car for him. He was getting about 2-3 parking tickets a week and after a while he just stacked them up and wasn't paying them. I got a few letters from DMV telling me that the tickets were delinquent and they would take other means to get the money. I reminded Mikey to pay the tickets several times.
One day when I came out to my car in Long Beach, the city was putting one of those big yellow clamps on my tire. Turns out that's how they decided to get their money. When I told Mikey what happened, he apologized several times and then asked me if I knew how hard it was to find a parking place at FTC.
If you make $400 an hour, Smyth won't hang out with you.
THURSDAY, APRIL 7, 2005
BORING, BORING, BORING, it's me... that's what you'll be getting from now on. Enjoy.
Today's Honourary Crail Canadian is James Jerome Hill. He is known for being one of Canada's finest businessmen, sort of like Supra Pete. He was born near Rockwood, Ontario in 1838, sort of like Rickk only Rickk was born 134 years later. He began his business career in 1856 at the age of 18 sort of like Mikey only Mikey began his career 137 years later. He was involved in the organization of the river steamboat line in Winnipeg and the formation of a company to supply coal to the railroads sort of like no one I know. He was also involved in forming the Canadian Pacific Railway, again like no one I know. His involvement with the stock market, mining and banking led him to be known as The Empire Builder sort of the way Greg head butting people got him known as The Gregulator. He died of old age in 1916, sort of like lots of people that die of old age.
Welcome to The Tap, Jim.
That's all I have for you. We'll be back tomorrow, N-word free as usual.
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 6, 2005
Meza tried the ol', "you know my mom reads Crail" hoping that I would not write anymore about his porn addiction. Mez, all our families read Crail and that didn't stop me from pointing out that one of my sisters had something in common with R. Kelly. Besides, it's your family that is going to help you when this habit spins out of control and Diana can no longer deal with it on her own.
I watched Cribs last night. Wow, Moby is like, so weird and cool.
I got an email yesterday from a distributor telling me that someone somewhere said that the Girl website sucks. Two things came to mind. 1) There's just no way someone would publicly hate Girl like that and 2) as if one of our sites could suck. Come on, really.
Last night I was thinking, "Man, a lot of the men in my life are pretty feminine" but then Hime called and left a message wanting to talk about The Bachelor but he had to go to spinning class.
Oh, and Hime and Rickk should go halves on a box of that Muccinex stuff. Holy 82 year old smokers cough!
I have to go, I need to put a child's block on someone's computer.
TUESDAY, APRIL 5, 2005
I guess The Mez wasn't that stoked that I reached out to him through The Tap to help Mikey get his porno back. It's just perv etiquette, Mez. You have on of Ty's porno's that you haven't returned either and I would hate for everyone to just decide that you can't be in their perv circle.
Yesterday I came home to about 40,000 ants in my kitchen. I told Bird and he said, "were they sugar ants"?. I said yes but I don't even know what a sugar ant is. I know they weren't red ants. I like that Bird wanted to know the breed of ant, not sure why, but I like it.
The Bachelor is by and far the best thing America has given to the world in years. This show rules. Last night Charlie, the Bachelor got to pick two individual dates and the rest of the girls had to go on a group date. He picked Megan and Sarah W for the single dates and Megan got this great idea that since Charlie seems to like blondes, she would shake her dark hair and go blonde. Koo Koo! She told him she wanted to show him how fun she can be. Well, someone didn't get a rose so Charlie also got to see how pathetic she could be. He was super into Sarah W and gave her a rose but then later when she was talking to him she broke down and cried and told him that she "hadn't had a crush like this in years". Way to make sure you don't get a rose next week.
The group date was horrible. There is some chick in the house that is a single mom and Charlie is trying to show how open minded and not shallow he is so he kept her yet again even though he looked like he was going to tip over when she told him she was like 13 when she had the kid.
Why any of these girls would want to end up with this guy is beyond me but I'm game to watch them fight for him every Monday.
Rickk and Mikey are in the south of France together just for the day. What? Did that sound gay? Ty's there too probably with his shirt off. Come on, it's not gay. Oh, and Oliver is there too.
MONDAY, APRIL 4, 2005
Hey Meza, Mikey has a 4 day limit when he loans out his porno's. He asked to see if can you return that Jenna Jameson Krystal Method DVD asap. Thanks, bro.
Pretty busy day so no time to dazzle you with a column.
FRIDAY, APRIL 1, 2005
Lakers are back to routine, lost to Minnesota last night. Go Kobe!
Last night when I was praying for The Pope to get better and The Mez to get a message from God to stop wearing that green windbreaker as it reflects poorly on all of us, I remembered that funny little story about The Mez crapping his pants in The Beverly Center and having to buy new pants at The Gap. Do you know that story? Maybe I'll tell that next week with all the details.
Ty has shingles and I wanted to see how he was doing so I channeled into Spain last night to read his mind and this is what he was thinking: "Mikey, you're such a fucking goof. Shingles are not contagious! Unless you were previously told you need a Varicella vacinne or you've never had chicken pox just chill the fuck out".
Hopefully Mikey will check The Tap and save Ty the time of telling him to go stretch.
Remember that little interview with Rickk in the Randoms where he mentioned "Searcy"? Well, Searcy brought it up to Rickk and Rickk told him he was talking about someone else. Nice save, I've used that one before.
I heard on the news last night that this guy that got dumped by his girlfriend threw all of her stuff out of the window of their apartment on the 35th floor. Lame for her but it did make me feel better for this girl I know that put every piece of her boyfriends clothing in the shower and turned the shower on after he dumped her, made me realize she wasn't crazy at all even though everyone was trying to tell her she was.
Just got an email asking me, "Isn't it 100 times lamer to have a trend forecaster then a wakeboard team?" Wow, I never thought about that.
The Gav called me last night to see if I wanted to enjoy some crab legs with him and the Podium reps for the entire country. I would have gone but I had to sit on the couch and do nothing so I couldn't make it.
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