ENTRY #590
TUESDAY, FEB 1, 2005

We play Dallas tonight, which is where Ben Colen will be on February 26th for The Mechanical Warrior Kill and Keep Tournament, one of the biggest events for D&D folk.

The Bachelorette still isn't as good as The Bachelor. There truly is nothing like watching girls fight over the same guy. Guys fighting over a girl is nothing, those guys seem like they're just taking a break from their jobs.
The French Prick didn't even wait to see if he was getting the boot last night, which he was. He just interrupted before the rose ceremony and said he wasn't feeling a love connection between the two of them so he was leaving. He was really getting annoying so that was a blessing.
The Ben Colen look alike got the boot, too. He looked bummed. But it was cool to see how the real Ben might look when he rolls a bad number of loses a knight.
I think she's going to end up picking the guy that looks like he's a cross between Jude Law and The Mez. (Rickk gets annoyed when people imply that The Mez is handsome because he feels that The Mez already feels like he's hot. I like it when he talks about it).

I've been on Hip Hop news sites to get to the bottom of the 50 Cent rumor. I can pretty much tell you any car that any rapper has crashed in the last 10 years.

We're pulling the ban on Buscemi only because we have to when he leaves messages just saying, "what's your deal" and then hangs up. He's so lonely in San Diego. I hope that doesn't effect his color way sense. You know, like when Picasso had his dark period?

Smyth, the Butterfngers in the vending machine are stale.

ENTRY #589
MONDAY, JAN 31, 2005

I didn't go to the hypnotist because my neighbor told me that she went to stop smoking and it made her dislike people that smoked. I just want to like the Lakers again but I don't really can't run the risk of hating a new group of people.
I'm going back to being a Heat fan. They beat Houston yesterday and Bird will read this and be pissed. Shouldn't you be able to guard the basket if you're a foot taller then it? Bird?

Let me know if anyone saw Smyth getting hyphy over the weekend. He claimed he was sick on Thursday and Friday. How convenient.

I have to go, I have so much work to do. And I think The Mez needs me to pick up his drycleaning.

ENTRY #588
FRIDAY, JAN 28, 2005

I'm not a New England fan anymore. I'm going to get hypnotized tomorrow morning to like The Lakers again so in case it works, I don't want too much on my plate. I hope it doesn't work too well and I like The Lakers so much that I even think Vlade is cool, that would suck.

Correction from yesterday: Larson's new look is called "Nuveaux Dyck". Sorry Tone.

I was talking to someone today and they said that from what I have written about The Apple Trick and Mikey, it sounds like he likes to put them in his own butt and an apple wouldn't fit.
First off, no one said he liked to put them in his own butt and second, you'd be surprised at what can fit it your butt.
Don't try it though, it's dangerous and wrong. (And messy).

Look how easy it is to add a new section to my column:


"Who here is a gamer?"
—The Mez

"He's the toughest soft guy I know."
—The Mez

"Reda thinks he's painting this for the next OG show."
—The Mez on Reda's OG doll

"It's like a little community"
—The Mez

"With pleasure. I'm here today. Too much rain to film"
—The Mez

ENTRY #587
THURSDAY, JAN 27, 2005

I guess I'm a New England fan. Sorry, I mixed my teams up.

I didn't say I could skate better then Burnett, I said if I practiced for a week I could.

I just wanted to tell The Mez that you've stepped it up to a level I didn't know you could reach. You're here for the good and the bad. You're awesome and I am glad that you and Diana made it. Just kidding but do you like my writing?

Still nothing to write about Scott. Did we mention he's getting married and not serving cupcakes? There's that and he has a dog named Blue? Did we tell you that?

Last might my neighbor told me Long John Silvers is the best fish and chips in the area. I'm not English but I'm pretty sure it's time to move.

Remember the Harsh Hair Update? Well that's done but Jeron has a sweet fade right now and Larson looks like Annie Lennox when she made her comeback.

ENTRY #586

Rudy T thinks Vlade is a "versatile and valuable player". It's cool to know the coach is retarded, too.

A shout out to the writer at Transworld Biz on their article about the new Active store in Burbank. When listing Andy Jenkins amongst the other artists that did original artwork in the store, that pet name you came up with — "Eddie" — is pretty cool but he prefers Andy.
Maybe have Reda fact check for you, he interns for us doing it and he loves it, keeps him busy.

If you're "off someone" you don't call them from Europe to tell them that, Buscemi! You tell someone that works at a magazine and then tell them not to tell anyone and the person finds out within hours. Why am I telling you how things work? I thought you see the future?

Did you know The Mez and his wife are on flow for Billabong? There's a lot you don't know about Aaron.

I have to go, I ate too many Hot Tamales (the candy, not the meal) and my stomach hurts.

ENTRY #585
TUESDAY, JAN 25, 2005

I'm an Eagles fan, since like Sunday.

Reda is the new trendforecaster on The Tap. He won't last, he has a bad attitude and that just doesn't fly around here. I have to check with him to see if that conversation that we had yesterday was for The Tap or not for The Tap. Reda? The Brits? Let me know.

The Bachelorette was so good last night. There's one guy on there and when any of their names come up on the screen, their occupation is listed below it. His says, "pro marathoner.. Sure.
Anyway, the French guy on there cried when they were on their date and she still picked him! I guess she likes getting restraining orders. She gave Frenchy the last rose and he was all pissed off that she picked him last.
The only other person that loves this show more then me is Scuba Lee. He even hangs out with some of the bachelors. That's how they do it in SD.

That guy that got banned is opening a club called Limited Color Way. So hard to get in!

The Gav went to Vegas in the DVS motorhome to hang out with snowboarders and strippers. What was that you said, Mihaly? No one keeps it more real then Atiba? Not this season.

ENTRY #584
MONDAY, JAN 24, 2005

Meza, before you start reading, this is a local based post, not international.

24 inches of snow fell in Boston in the last three days and everyone's stuck in their houses. That means Ben Colen's friends are going to master all the levels of The Temple of Elemental Evil before he can get back home. Lame for Ben and his magic powers.

Buscemi, you know what rhymes with "planned"? BANNED! Sorry buddy but we took a board of directors vote after your Top 5's to decide your fate and it was a unanimous 4-0 for a ban. Normally I would have had your back and voted for you to stay but you know what a shit talking chameleon I am in a situation like that. Fun while it lasted.
(The Mez can still write about you in his column).

I just realized that that video Paris Hilton's boyfriend put on the internet is called, "One night in Paris." That's hot.

U2 just announced the name of their 2005 world tour and it's called "Vertigo." Spike, call Bono and tell him that's a lame tour name. Thanks.

ENTRY #583 (from australia)
FRIDAY, JAN 21, 2005

Just a quick note to my friend Caleb who was disappointed that I might be a girl. Come on, Caleb, surely you don't think the dudes that run Crail would give a girl a column? And I might seem like a girl because I can't skate (unless you mean better then Shnurr, The Gav and from what I saw in Australia, Burnett) and I cry sometimes, so I can seem like a girl.
And that thing in my column about the prom, I went to the prom with a dude but so did Mikey and you still like him, right?
Does it seem like the person that used to do the Romper Room was a girl?
Don't be afraid of your feminine side, tackle it like a bear!

ENTRY #582 (from australia)
THURSDAY, JAN 20, 2005

Did I mention I was in Australia? I have to learn the art of "subtle" like The Mez.
But as long as you know how international I am, I just figured out if I bought everything in my mini bar right now, it would cost about $400. I can't decide whether or not to buy the t-shirt they stuck in the snack basket. It looks like something a bouncer would wear. Maybe I'll buy it for Buscemi.
(Oh, and thanks Buscemi, after I help you get a Top 5's, you refer to half the company as "sloppy seconds". Prick).

I've decided when I retire, I can't leave Sam in charge. I am still thinking about who it is going to be but here is who it is not going to be and why:
Sam: Doesn't eat vegetables
Meza: Obviously
Eric Anthony: I don't want My Little Dumpling ever stressed
Larson: Will try and relocate the company to San Diego
Jenkins: On a regular basis, says to me, "time management is tough".
Spike: Cry baby

Trend Update: It's better to have Drinkles then Crinkles.

Big Inauguration this week! Can George Bush use more words incorrectly in an entire speech then The Gav can during one meeting? He wishes!

I have to go return the gift I bought for The Mez.

ENTRY #581 (from australia)

Just a quick shout out to the Girl employees, since Larson and Smyth can't stay away from ASR even with no good reason to attend and still go to the trouble of getting passes so they can pay $12.00 for a beer, we might just get a booth again.
Mettee and Jenkins, let them know how stoked you are.

There's a trend down under that even Buscemi doesn't know about. It's called "All Over Splash". Large logos with a wrapping print, similar to the designs BMX'ers put on their mini trucks in the early 80's. Hard to tell if they're awesome for their retro courage or just plain lame.

Going to the Bondi skatepark, stoked.

ENTRY #580 (from australia)
TUESDAY, JAN 18, 2005

This is a vacation first, but I'm in Australia with The Nike team and that guy The Mez loves from Thrasher.

I'll post again when I recover from the thrill.

ENTRY #579
FRIDAY, JAN 14, 2005

I'm not a fan of any one anymore, sports are for jocks!
Although one time when I was in high school, I told my mom that I was going to the prom with a boy that was three years older then me and she said, "is he a stoner or a jock"? and I told her he was a jock and she was all stoked. I guess my mom liked jocks.

The bachelor named Ben on the new season of The Bachelorette looks exactly like Ben Colen! It's so scary. If Bachelor Ben starts talking about Grasp of the Emerald Claw, I think we know where Colen is spending his nights.

Buscemi called: ASR so not hot right now! I guess the new cool thing to do is be in another city doing business while the trade show is going on. How does one man know so much?
(Crankers, he's in your city).

Tony Larson recommends reading books about Australia on the flight to Australia while drinking booze and taking a light sedative. Again, I have to ask, how does one man know so much?

Yesterday we had a sales meeting here. For some reason, there were bowls of M&M's everywhere. Think about how many hands dipped into each bowl to grab a hand full. Maybe after skating the skatepark or scratching their butt or going pee pee. Hope everyone enjoyed them!

ENTRY #578
THURSDAY, JAN 13, 2005

Buscemi, you're history!

ENTRY #577

I'm still a Chargers fan. Only because in my dream last night, that one guy that plays for them looked like a guy that helped me from drowning.
But I'm not the crazy kind of fan, I mean if I never got to see another Chargers game and they were pulled from the NFL as a team, I wouldn't really even think twice.

Jenkins's office is insane. He's about two stacks of crap away from being a comic book creep. So lame, he seemed to have such a bright future.

Buscemi, are you kidding me? The Mez doesn't want to fight! And if you want to be mad at someone, be mad at me, I'm the one that wrote the questions, I told you that.
Be careful how mad you decide to be at me though, you know you need normal friends and your list is fairly short right now.
(Meza, if you can't take Buscemi heat how on Gods green earth are you going to hold up in that Ad Pulling Lotto?).

Talked to The Gav today for 22 minutes and not one word used incorrectly. He's totally changing and acting like he's not from Arizona.

I have to go, just because I can.

ENTRY #576
TUESDAY, JAN 11, 2005

YOU SUCK! (Is that too negative?)

ENTRY #575
MONDAY, JAN 10, 2005

I'm still a Chargers fan. I feel sorry for that rookie that fucked the entire game up for The Chargers so I'm going to stay on board until, like, Wednesday.
(Note: Larson doesn't feel it was the kickers fault, he blames the coach).

Oh, Sanger edited the first paragraph of my column on Friday so if The Randoms seemed funnier or more interesting then my column for the first time, that's why. Thanks Carl and you're welcome Aaron.

First The Mez gives me a totally dirty look in the parking lot on Friday morning then he tries to make some new rule that he's the only guy that can come up with the questions for The 5's? Aaron. seriously, knock it off. You just don't wear "tough" very well. And, I already sent The Trendforecaster new questions AND it was one of your questions that offended him the most. Now how do you feel?

U2 got inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame before Van Halen. I think they screwed up when they replaced David Lee Roth with Hagar. They shouldn't have just broken up and kept their dignity. I hope they learn their lesson.

I have to go, I'm interviewing for a new job.

ENTRY #574
FRIDAY, JAN 7, 2005

(All the following type in red was deleted by Sanger on Friday when he posted Ringer. When asked why he did it, he simply said, "Dude, it's raining.")
Kobe is going to give $1000 for every point he makes to aid the victims of the Tsunami so I can't hate him until tomorrow.
48 hours until the big Charger's game. I think with Pennington's army injury, we have a good chance of winning. Or at least that's what I heard another Charger's fan say in Juice Stop this morning.

For the 4th year in a row, Houston is the most obese city in the country. I guess they're not joking when they say everything is bigger in Texas.
Bird's from Houston but he's not fat. Every now and then he slips into "pile" mode and has to cut back on the carbs but for the most part it's just his attitude and not his figure that are a problem.

Speaking of watching your carbs, Buscemi sent the following list to us. I think he's mad at The Mez for the questions The Mez sent him. In Aaron's defense, Jon, he didn't come up with ALL the questions.
But in Jon's defense, his list is sort of funny:

1) That your car makes you look fatter
2) That your Halloween costume made you look fatter
3) That crew cuts, bobs, or fades, all indeed make you look completely fatter
4) That your job definitely makes you look fatter
5) That being mildly humorous, once in awhile, makes you look fatter
6) That being scared of hamburgers and beer, and being fat, makes you look
7) That living above Hollywood Blvd. makes you look fatter
8) That hanging out with Scott,Rick, Mike, and bird, and being the fattest, obviously makes you look fatter.
9) Tthat you're just fat
10) That getting hammered right now by someone who is fat makes you look fatter

(And also a big thanks to Jon for working Scott into my column. See? More info about Scott for The Tap followers).

I have to go, the roof is leaking.

ENTRY #574

Here's some thing about The Mez that Buscemi probably didn't know:

The Mez thought it was a bad idea when Rickk and Frosty were on the cover of Stance in Laker gear.

The Mez has had a full male adult physical with a rectal exam.

The Mez still loves Smashing Pumpkins but not like the old days.

The Mez loves The Quiet Life.

The Mez invented the word "mangage."

The Mez decides who, what and when people get a Top 5 on The Tap.

The Mez is not a Chargers fan.

ENTRY #573

So about the bolt right now!

ENTRY #572
TUESDAY, JAN 4, 2005

I'm a Charger's fan! Why not be that guy? I'm still a Nets fan but I have to focus this week on the Charger's.

Today I went to lunch with Sam for the first time in 6 years only to find out how gay the conversation is with those guys at lunch. It would be a lot of material for the column but Holy chat room!
Meza did splash marinara sauce on me, though, I did feel like part of the group.
Bird told everyone about self examination of your own balls and that it's nothing to be ashamed of. Rudy said if you do have to get a ball cut off, it is good to indicate with a sharpie right on the ball which one is the bad one because, "shit dude, doctor's party too".
A deep pack of guys, very deep.

Rickk felt like Crail was a little "Mikey Heavy" yesterday. Just yesterday? Really?

Still nothing to write about Scott. Sorry.

Should The Mez get BREATHE in old english on the back of his neck? It's a good route for him, it's SF but it's still soft so he can hang out with his "non skate friends".

I have to go, the New Era's just got here.

ENTRY #571
MONDAY, JAN 3, 2005

Happy New Year! The Mez isn't sharing his resolutions because he's just a weird mysterious guy, I hope he keeps that up for the new year, that is the best thing about him. Carnalag feels like his life is perfect so he's not changing anything. Jenkins is getting down to his race weight which I think he got closer to on Friday night by throwing back up his dinner. Larson is going to get healthier, surf more and make lots of money. Jamie is going to spend less, smoke less and eat less. Rickk has cut out alcohol and Mikey is probably setting some weird goal that includes the word "anal" or "fist".

So far it's been pretty stress free being a Nets fan. No hate mail and even some mail telling me how to be a better Nets fan. As if that's possible!
I was almost a Nuggets fan last night when they almost beat the Lakers but then they lost so I was back to New Jersey.
Speaking of Nuggest fans, full life time ban on The Jeffersons from the Girl seats by Rickk as they wore Nuggets gear to the game last night. Rickk said, "Make up your mind, goofs." Really, make up your mind! Pick a team and let's stick with it you flip floppers.

Wouldn't it be weird if an entire magazine staff and their reps were stoners? It would be, right?

Staba, I'm taking $25 out of your check to get a pedicure, you chipped my toe nail polish. Two left feet on the dance floor!

I have to go, I want Smyth to explain "Hyphy" to me sober and see how much of his spit ends up on my face.

ENTRY #570
THURSDAY, DEC 30, 2004

That was a crazy run as a Nuggets fan but last night I saw some Nets high lights on TV and wow! Have you seen those uniforms? I'm in! So so so into New Jersey.

It was Violence Day here at Crail yesterday.
First Mettee shot Peter in the face with a pellet gun. He meant to shoot him in the ass but Peter turned around and Brian is not a very good shot. Peter wanted to kick his ass but instead went the peaceful route and just wished bad luck on him for the rest of the day. Brian was written up by Greg, two more strikes and he's back at Atomic Garage ordering stickers from us.
Then, Carnalag tried to cut Nick's hands off yesterday with the paper cutter. He was not punished after we realized that Nick doesn't really need hands. It's his mind that is so valuable.

It turns out that Rickk and The Mez did not have the same illness. The Mez had food poisoning and Rickk had the flu. They both had diarrhea if that's any consolation.

Here's something about Scott Johnston: He and his gal were nervous about their wedding after Ty's wedding got a little out of hand. But then they were comforted by the fact that Spike and Karen won't be there so it's toned down a few notches. If they can think of a way to pick a date when Rickk and The Gav are out of town, they're looking at a mellow little gathering.

Jenkins already has "don't count me in" look on his face for New Year's Eve.

ENTRY #569

We play Philly on Friday. I like being a Nuggets fan, pretty low stress so far.

The Quiet Life bought Meza a rolex and an iced out chain that says The Mez. He's stoked to be exploring this next part of his career.

The government spent 200K to find out why Americans don't like beets. I would have told them for 10K the reason, they suck. Rickk once ate beets for a week straight to see if his crap changed colors. His trainer told him to do it. I think I already wrote about it and now that I am writing about it again, I think he got pissed at me.

There's nothing to write about Scott Johnston other then he goes to wedding trade shows but I'll keep my ears open and see if anything else worthy of writing about him comes up. The thing with Scott is that if I wrote that he used to shove apples up his butt, his girlfriend would get mad at both me and Scott. With Mikey, his girlfriend thinks the apple trick is impressive and she thinks I'm funny, so it's a win-win situation.

Scuba Lee, I'm getting the flu so you can have my seat at the party. Just make sure to kick Tremaine in the chin, it's a little tradition we have.

ENTRY #568
TUESDAY, DEC 28, 2004

I'm saving all the good stuff for the new year, that's why this column is sucking so bad right now.
On a bright note, I have found the team I am a fan of for the rest of the season, or at least until I change my mind. It's the Denver Nuggets. Yep, as soon as they announced Michael Cooper was going to be the head coach, I was on board. He's my 5th favorite former Laker of all time.

I guess Aaron is "sick" today. There's hardly any room left in his office for more artwork. I'll find space.

Rickk is "sick", too. I wonder if it was from when they were cracking each other up in Rickk's office and they were blowing their germs back and forth. That can happen when two people are super funny. Believe me, I know.

I have to go, Hime doesn't like when you give him tickets to the Lakers and don't deliver them to him. He's just picky like that.

ENTRY #567
MONDAY, DEC 27, 2004

Thanks, Kobe!

ENTRY #566
THURSDAY, DEC 23, 2004

Shaq, if you're reading this, something came up but I'll be cheering for you from my living room. And ignore the haters in section 105!

Still over Meza and Reda.

Spike wants to clear a few things up from the time he punched Bird.
He did not say, "I'm over you and I was never even into you" after he punched him. He said, "I'm over you, so not into you". The first one was better but we wouldn't want to report in a non factual manner on The Tap.

Have a good holiday, lots of love from all of us to all of you!

ENTRY #565

So over Meza. Not Diana.

ENTRY #564
TUESDAY, DEC 21, 2004

The Lakers lost last night by about 10 so that has made today really tough. (Did that sound sincere?).

Totally over Reda. I tried to be his friend but all he kept saying was that I was over him so I now truly am over him. And Reda, let me know if I should list on here any of those people that you mentioned you are over.

The Mez finally got sponsored. He's on Team Quiet Life. It's good to see good things happening for Aaron. Remember right before he left Skateboarder to come work with this real friends how depressed and defeated he was? I knew he would bounce back.

Today's Honourary Crail Canadian is Gil Bellows. He was born in Vancouver in 1967 and pursued an acting career most of his life. He got his "big" break on Ally McBeal but I'm not sure what character he was. He wasn't Ally McBeal, I know that. He also was in some well known movies, Second String and A Bear Named Winnie.
His press photo is annoying and he is currently working on two new movies.
Welcome to The Tap, Gil.

I'm tired, super tired.

ENTRY #563
MONDAY, DEC 20, 2004

I'm a Lakers fan, stop emailing me.

Here's what Reda ALMOST established on Saturday night:
*If you trace his family blood line, Frosty's real name is Louie Kanouts.
*Youth hostels are for poor people or people under 30.
*Diana Meza is really The Mez and overall is more enjoyable to be around then Aaron (Little late on that one).
He blew all his credibility with some delusional fable of Megan telling him to fuck off at Meza's wedding. Right.

Today's Honourary Crail Canadian is Jean Charest. He's a member of the Quebec Liberal Party and is listed on a web site with other famous left handed politicians. He was born in Sherbrooke in 1958 then went on to be a model citizen, graduating with honors and being the type of focused driven human being that every parent dreams of. Unless their kid ends up running a skateboard company which I think is like the ultimate ultimate parent dream.
Welcome to The Tap, Jean.

Mikey has retired the apple trick but don't fret. He and Rickk have a new thing they're into called The Chocolate Cheesecake trick. It sounds pretty sweet and the way the two of them giggle when they tell the story! I'm tellin' ya Scott, you're losing Mikey to Rickk!

We now have a new motto here at The Tap: DO ONE THING EACH DAY THAT SCARES YOU.
I know, thanks.

ENTRY #562
FRIDAY, DEC 17, 2004

I was a Laker fan all they way through the game last night and I was exhilarated that we beat Sacramento. Any sort of a loss for Doug Christy makes me feel better.Then I watched the news and saw that Randy Johnson got traded to the Yankees and I feel like I need to focus my time on being a Yankees fan.

My friend Eric, from Phoenix emailed and said that he was sorry for the misunderstanding about the Celtics, the Suns and Steve Nash and that he just felt great to be mentioned on The Tap. Just when I try and make a new enemy, I make a friend.
My little friend from Memphis emailed again to clarify that he personally "never thought Ty was a jerk, he just heard he was but never believed it." Nice back pedal, Jack.

The Mez is still a little pissed that Sam suggested we check to see if he was truly filming yesterday when he didn't show up for work. He's just being a good samaritan, Aaron, I would think you would appreciate that. It's like what Ronald Reagan told the Soviet Union during the cold war, "trust but verify." See? Sam is just remembering history so it isn't repeated.
Just kidding, he was totally hating.

I have to go, it's arts and crafts day upstairs.

ENTRY #561
THURSDAY, DEC 16, 2004

Eric from Phoenix, if you follow the column, you'll know that I didn't check stats when I became a Celtics fan. Some dude drew a name out of a hat full of NBA teams and I had to become a fan of whatever team he chose.
And yeah, I really think Boston has a chance of beating Phoenix, really. I mean I'm betting everything on it.
But that's cool that you're into Nash's hair. Maybe if you're lucky, someday he'll let you comb it for him.
And Ben Colen, I know you aren't going to like this and it's a long story but I'm a Lakers fan again. Sorry.

I guess Bird is a lard ass again. He got fat once before and it was pretty hot. He had this weird gut that was just in the front. He's going to start working out because that attitude combined with a weight problem, wow!

Jack from Memphis wrote to ask why we always call Rickk and Bird out for being jerks but we don't ever mention Ty.
Keep your eye out for the last guy that mentioned Ty was a jerk, he's finding out about a thing called "blast."

Buscemi is in Barcelona right now checking the Spanish trends. He then multiplies them by the number of months it has been since the trend was in Japan. Subtracts the number of people in New York that will ruin the trend and then brings the trend back to San Diego where that number will represent the amount of months he will list on the press release that this cutting edge original trend has been in the works. Yes, it is a science.

I have to go, The Mez is out "filming" and it's time to decorate his office.

ENTRY #560

We had the night off last night but tonight we play the Nuggets. Easy win.
I'm not the only one that hates the Lakers now, I'm just the only one that will admit it. I called Frosty last night during the 3rd quarter of a Laker away game and he was at dinner. Hmmm, why not home watching the game, Eric? Maybe you hate them, too? Thought so. And you know Ako and Atiba weren't watching because if Fsosty's out to dinner in LA, those two are one of two places, on his left or on his right.
We all hate Kobe and the Lakers, I've just come to terms with it a lot sooner then others.

Rickk said it was lame of me to write about telling me The Mez story of always throwing in a twenty dollar bill regardless of the tab and then him saying The Mez was a goof because Rickk pays the bill 75% of the time when those guys go to lunch. He said The Mez is sensitive and that was lame to put up here. I was just trying to help The Mez and Rickk talk about their feelings more and understand each other on a level that doesn't come down to The Mez being bitter that Rickk isn't carrying his weight at meals and Rickk feeling like The Mez is an ungrateful prick. No one appreciates how hard I work to keep the peace.

Just because you cut all of our hair for practically free, Ruby, doesn't mean you get to sit down if B. Real needs a seat. Learn the rules before you come to The Gav's holiday parties or just stay home.

Today's Honourary Crail Canadian is basketball star, Steve Nash. Steve was born in 1974 and ended up going to college in Santa Clara where he was the all time leader in assists. He was eventually drafted by the Phoenix Suns and then traded to Dallas and then back to the Suns where he plays now. His style of basketball is really ugly and he looks like every time he goes down the court with the ball that he is being chased by rabid pitbulls and if he doesn't make the basket, he might die. Very ugly.
There was a book written about him called, LONG SHOT, STEVE NASH'S JOURNEY TO THE NBA. I think a more fitting title would be LONG SHOT, GAYEST HAIR IN THE NBA but it's too late because it's an old book.
Welcome to The Tap, Steve.

Jenkins is going out on New Years Eve! Spike, I'll forward you the email where he states in no uncertain terms, he's partying just in case he backs out and we have to sue him.

ENTRY #559
TUESDAY, DEC 14, 2004

Double over time but we did it, we beat The Clippers. Go Paul Pierce!
I wonder if Kobe watched with his wife and Karl.

Today's Honourary Crail Canadian is Sheena De Janeiro. She was Miss Nude Canada from 1989 to 1999. She is now an adult film star who has made more then 300 adult films. While doing research on her, I got to see a close up shot of her butt and I think it's safe to say she's done the apple trick a time or two.
Welcome to The Tap, slut.

Big congratulations go out to Paul Nett and his lovely bride. Weird how Larson thought he was the ring bearer and I had bought a bridesmaid dress and didn't find out about the wedding until three days later but either way we wish the happy couple decades of wedded bliss.

Mikey popped a zit on his back by sliding against the upholstery in the back seat of Rickk's car. Rickk didn't even get mad at him, he just asked if he was OK. True love.
Scott, I think Rickk and Mike might have something going behind your back!

Dimitry, do you remember the secret you told me at the Podium party and you said, "can you keep a secret" and I said, "not really" and I think you were so drunk that you though I said, "oh, surely"? I just wanted to make sure you know that I said, "not really".

The Mez tried to make Rickk look bad by saying that no matter how much Rickk's meal is when they go to eat, Rickk throws in a twenty dollar bill. Rickk said The Mez is a prick for even saying that because 75% of the time he picks up the entire tab.
Sorry Mez but you've got other friends with company credit cards.

I have to go, I have to start more shit.

ENTRY #558
MONDAY, DEC 13, 2004

It's not so bad being a Celtics fan. We won on Saturday and we'll probably win again tonight because we play the Clippers.
Can't wait to add one more ring to the 16 we have already won. I'm just confused about who my favorite player should be from Celtics history. The obvious choice is Robert Parrish because he always looked like he was playing baked but I can't help but sort of want it to be Kevin McHale because I do admire that Frankenstein could play basketball.

The Jenkins family is all about trophy's these days. Two weekends ago Andy got second in his motocross race and got a trophy and this past weekend Emmet brought home the gold in his soccer match.
Their new family motto is "If there's no prize, don't invite us."

Today's Honourary Crail Canadian is Rich Little. He's a "comedian" and an impressionist. Rich was born in Ottawa in 1938. His wife Jeane was Joey Bishop's secretary for a while so I'm sure Rich isn't the only man she ever slept with. I don't even really want him to be part of The Tap but whatever. Welcome, Rich.

We got another email from the guy that seems to like to follow the "drama" of Raymond and his column being pulled. He said we were "censoring" Raymond. Look, buddy, he updated his column once every 3 weeks so he was censoring himself. Now he has more then a column so go to his site. He's got a column, a store, links, news, he's got it all. Skatemental.com. Bookmark it.
Speaking of censorship, isn't it worse to show commercials for pills that give you a two hour boner rather then a bare back of Nicoletter Sheridan in an NFL ad while the kids are watching TV? Just checking.

I have to go, I have to decide whether I want to be feared or liked. Big decision.

ENTRY #557
FRIDAY, DEC 10, 2004

Does my column suck again? You're right, it doesn't.

ENTRY #556

After not being able to sleep all night because I thought I was a Laker fan again and then Kobe had to go into "self centered prick" mode again and bum out Karl Malone, I came to work to very good news. Shea and I are now Boston fans. So into the Celtics it hurts, Can't wait to see the game tonight against Portland.
How did that happen, you ask? Shea asked Peter to pick a team out of a hat and he would back them for the rest of the season. He then came in my office and said, "hey, I'm a Boston fan, I'm flying the green for the rest of the season" and I was like, "me, too".
I know I talked a lot of shit about Payton and now I have to back him but it would have been worse if I would have tried to pretend I was backing Vlade. I mean, I tried to cast spells on him from my seat at Staples for 5 seasons.
We're, The Celtics, 7 and 10 right now which isn't the brightest standing but we don't have Kobe and that's a good thing.

Ever spoken to Frosty on the phone when the connection is bad and there's a delay? It's awesome. So you combine the mumbling, the 40 second pauses with the static and the delay. I think we were talking about Fourstar but the connection was so bad, we might have been talking about hair styles.
Call when you're not in a third world country, Eric.

Folks, stop with the Juicy sweatsuits. Please, stop.

Some of Buscemi's closest friends are part of the Jean Junky club at Planet Funk. Nothing wrong with that.
Jon says, "more then 11 whiskers on an antique wash is too much. A nice vintage wash with 5-7 whiskers is a hot jean for day or night". In case his bosses are reading this, he said it in a real vague unrevealing way.

I have to go, we've got an anxiety attack on level 2.

ENTRY #555

And then Kobe had to go and be a dick to Karl Malone? I'm back on board with the haters. Sorry, Randy.

ENTRY #554
TUESDAY, DEC 7, 2004

Today's Column is just answering questions from emails because it's you I really care about:

Question 1: Did you know that Kareem Rush got traded to Charlotte?

Answer 1: I didn't know right when it happened because that was when I was in my transition phase to being a Lakers fan again for my friend Randy but I do know now. I really don't care because my most vivid memories of him are me just staring at him from section 105 thinking, "how can one guy blow it so much".

Question 2: Why do you think The Fucking Book Club is so cool?

Answer 2: I don't.

Question 3: How come there hasn't been anything about Bird lately?

Answer 3: He hasn't really been that much of an asshole. He's sort of growing up and hasn't blacked out on the dance floor lately so there's not much to write. There's a Podium Holiday party coming up that I'm sure he'll bounce back at so you'll be hearing about him. He's going to get a Top 5's for the holidays. Not that he deserves one but Buscemi asked for one and The Mez likes to keep a power trip going so Bird gets one.

Question 4: Have you ever been beaten up for something you wrote in your column?

Answer 4: Lee Dupont said he wasn't afraid to punch a girl because I was putting his cell phone number up one digit at a time and I think I put the first five digits of the number up. That's as close as I've gotten to getting beat up. It's not classy to punch girls but Lee lives in San Diego which is a whole different animal.

Question 5: What happened to Bob K?

Answer 5: While Bob was working here at The Tap, he was moonlighting at night as a shrimp fisherman. He fell over board one night and nearly drown. That experience made him really think long and hard about where his life was headed. He realized he needed more meaning in his life so he spray painted, "You can all fuck off" on the side of the building and moved back to Vancouver.


ENTRY #553
MONDAY, DEC 6, 2004

I can't believe how much I love the Lakers. It actually hurts. But it makes my new friend, Randy, really happy to see that I am not giving up hope on the most self centered egomaniacal jack ass in all of sports, so I have to do it.

Of course Larson didn't put that Charger's crap up on the front page of Crail, there's tons of people in this building just oozing with SD pride. Tons of them.

Buscemi didn't like being compared to a beret! It was a compliment, Jon. For god sakes, you're in Carlsbad, let your hair down. But after thinking about it, you're more like leg warmers with jeans, fashionable but silly.

My Little Dumpling, Carnalag and Larson have total mood lighting in there office. But when you go in, their moods are pretty chipper so they might be on to something. I'll check the wattage in the light bulbs in their office and get back to you.

I have to go, time to get an agent!

ENTRY #552
FRIDAY, DEC 3, 2004

It feels so good to be a Laker fan again. And Kobe isn't that much of an asshole when you try and forget about all of last season and Phil Jackson's book.

The Mez would have written more yesterday if he hadn't taken a two hour lunch and then sat in his office shit talking for an hour? Rickk, fire the guy. He basically just gave you a stoner resignation in his column.
He also forgot to write that he wandered around the building with his guitar for a half hour.

The Fucking Book Club are a bunch of fuckers. Here's the problem, everyone that emailed us and said, "that sucks just let me in, you don't have to let anyone else in" doesn't realize how many other people sent the same email. Larson is basically in charge of stuff like this and the guy can be a real prick. People think it's Mikey and Rickk that are the assholes but Larson gives them a run for their money. He said without the proper backround check, you just don't know who's in the club and it could ruin the club that you worked so hard to build.
So as it stands, The Fucking Book Club is taking no new members.

Snow Haters is a new anti-cocaine campaign we're in, get involved early and beat the rush!

You know the best thing about Buscemi? He's stylish and fun, like a beret.

I have to go, I can't stop laughing.

ENTRY #551

Dammit! I wanted to go on hating The Lakers and then this guy Randy that works for the NBA in some way and thinks Frosty is an OK guy sent me this sappy email about how he feels sad that I would give up on my team and included a story of his team winning it all land blah blah blah.
So I'm back. I'll fully commit as a true Laker fan on the 25th of December for the Lakers game against The Heat.
You win, Randy.

Buscemi has taken his Seven jeans to Buffalo Exchange! Look for an all new trend forecaster in Rockin' Republics soon.

Sorry to everyone we misled about The Fucking Book Club. Larson said when you let too many people into a club you ruin it and My Little Dumpling and Carnalag pretty much agree with whatever Larson says so we can't let anyone in. I know, I know, Larson's a prick.

Here's a list of the events that The Hime has not been invited too but we still love him enough to give him a Crail Tap Top 5:
Meza's wedding
Ty's wedding
Anne Huf's wedding
Mikey's Thanksgiving
Meza's wedding
Aaron and Diana's wedding

I have to go source some trees for Mikey.

ENTRY #550

Last night after the Laker game, Jerry Buss was interviewed on KCAL 9. He goes, "I look at this team and see something that I saw in the 80's in the Magic era". Huh? The only thing I see similar is they're on a court with a ball. He's stupider then he looks.
(Shit, I was supposed to stop calling people "stupid" today. I'll start tomorrow).

I was going to send that Wade dude that won Sam's sword a box of cool stuff since Sam has to recreate the Halloween evening before he can send him the sword but then I found out from The Mez that he lives in Canada. I love Canada but sending you guys a package is just too much work. So just keep waiting.
I wonder if Sam has talked to the girl that had the party we were all at on Halloween to see if it was cool that he and Diana do a photo shoot in her backyard this week.

Ty, got the message about the Snow Barge and calling off the bar rental for New Years eve. Sounds like a good idea but when I get pissed off and leave the party, walking through the snow is going to suck so count me out. Have fun, though.

Sorry to my new friend, Brent from Colorado. I shouldn't have called him stupid, especially since he emailed me again and told me The Mez was his favorite editor. He must be kind of smart.

I have to go, it's nap time.

ENTRY #550.5

Burt Reynolds, My Life, Chapters 16 an 17:

Hey Guys,
These two were very dry. There wasn't as much narcissism and shallowness, that stuff usually keeps me interested. He explains his first trip to Hollywood & how he loved it. He loved it so much he decided to move there and all of that crap. When he broke the news to his pals, they didn't even second guess his plan. But then again, would you?

He had another one of those fortunate scenarios that are known to most people as lies or fabricated stories...It was one of the types he used in the past. You know, like something happens and he doesn't know what to do so he just does the Burt thing to do which is usually this really intense display of strength which coincidentally becomes the reason for his success, yeah that one. So anyway, this time it was on his first audition. He gets mad that the director is being distracted by the telephone and just goes and rips it off the wall and smashes it up into bits, right in the middle of the monologue! What do you know? The director was coincidentally impressed by his bold display of power and Burt gets his first television spot. As always, he gets put into a compromising situation, then pulls it off in the crunch. He forgets his lines & decides to just start throwing people around instead, he chucks this one guy across the room and the director loves it and starts raving about him and all of that. His career is born, what a shocker.

What if all of this true? Oh, and as for the Loni section, read the intorduction, pretty juicy.

ENTRY #549
TUESDAY, NOV 30, 2004

Rickk and Frosty went to the Clippers game again last night but they must not of had floor seats because Frosty didn't call me to Tivo it and Rickk didn't call me to tell me what he was wearing. Either that or they mistook me writing about the last time they asked me to Tivo the game as making fun of them and asked someone else to Tivo it.
The Clippers won so we all win.

The Randomer's quotes aren't that funny when they have typo's. I think he meant to write "crowded" not "crowed" in the Hime quote. Unless "crowed" is some new skate slang that I'm not familiar with which is very possible because The Randomer is down for skate and with skate.

Brent from Colorado Springs emailed me and asked why we don't have an Honorary Crail Coloradian every other day. It's a stupid question Brent but you seem like a nice kid so I'll tell you why. First, it was a Coloradian that ruined my love that had been 30 years strong for a basketball team and second, the last time someone told me that someone had talked shit about me, it was a Coloradian. So do what everyone else does that can't get their way on this site, start your own web site.
Thanks for writing Brent and sorry that you're stupid.

Speaking of honor's, today's Honourary Crail Canadian is James Cameron. He's the guy that made Titanic as well as all those amazing Terminator movies. Who would have guessed that when little Jim Cameron was born in Ontario in 1954 he would have such a keen sense of acting talent and put Arnold Schwarznegger in all those terrific movies? He was married to Linda Hamilton who starred in the second Terminator movie but then they went through an ugly divorce and he didn't have an air tight pre-nup and he was bumming. His most recent work was on television with the series, Dark Angel.
Welcome to The Tap, Jim.

I'm checking with the other members of The Fucking Book Club to see if it's OK but I think we're letting Mike Garceau in the club. He agreed Burt was a tool and he has to have ACL surgery so he'll need something to do.
As soon as I get the OK from EA and Carnalag, you're in Mike.

ENTRY #548
MONDAY, NOV 29, 2004

I guess this whole deal with Burt Reynolds seeming like an asshole isn't just the usual case of us being assholes. Mike Garceau of Oakland, Ca sent us an email in regards to Burt. He has been seeing him on "Dinner for Five" on IFC and not only agrees he's a complete self absorbed tool but he said he looks like he's had a little work done.
Thanks Mike, if you want, since we know you're smart, you can be in our book club for the next book. We're going to read Richard Simmons autobiography, Still Hungry After All These Years.

I have to go, I've been awake since 2:40 AM and I can't think straight. I'm sure the Randomer will be so entertaining with all his skate trivia that you won't even notice my column sucked.

ENTRY #547

Kobe working both sides of the court! Still don't care.

Tonight is the season finale of The Bachelor. So psyched! I heard him on the radio this morning saying that the proposal was one of the most magical moments of his life. Wait until the divorce! Talk about magical.

I'll let Smyth tell you about it but if MJ and Landon make it past the next episode of The Real World without full frontal nude contact, I'll believe in miracles. Those two were actually flirting with each other while they played pool and talked about getting ready to go out. Holy Mikey and Scott!

Today's Honourary Crail Canadian is Wayne Gretzky. He was born in Brantford Ontario in 1961. He is the all time points scorer in all of the NHL which is part of the reason why his nickname is The Great One.
Canada was really mad at him when he left Canada to play for The Los Angeles Kings because they thought his wife was manipulating him and telling him how to run his career. Sometimes that can be annoying. He then got traded to St Louis and then somewhere else and everyone cried when he retired. I think even me but I cried when lots of people retired. I cried when Kareem Abdul Jabar retired, The Gav, Tony Gwynn. I just cry a lot.
Welcome to The Tap, Wayne.

The Fucking Book Club Update, finally. When I lag, it's fine but if EA or Carnalag do it, it's lame. That's what is commonly known as a double standard and it happens in life.
My Life, Burt Reynolds, chapters 14 and 15:
Chapter 14: Me, me, me, I, I, I...such a tool. And now he's name dropping. He gets an apartment in NY and starts getting parts in plays. He's in a play with "Chuck" Heston, almost gets a part in a play with Marlon Brando but they looked too similar (?) and then goes on to do what every actor in LA does, wait tables and be a bouncer.
He loved being a bouncer (weird, aren't they always assholes) and of course he didn't get the job by just applying. No, not egomaniacal Burt. He got the job by being challenged when he went to apply and then not backing down from the head bouncer.
Chapter 15: Rip Torn takes him under his wing and since Rip is such a talent, according to Burt, he was able to get Burt some parts here and there. Whenever Rip came across a part for a stunt man or someone that could be in a fight scene, Rip would get the job for Burt. Assholes like to fight so I'm sure he was great in all those parts.
He called home and told them to watch him on something and then his part got cut...blah, blah, blah. I can't wait until the Loni chapters.

When handing in a letter of resignation to business partners, do you put the corporation name at the top of the page or the individual names?

ENTRY #546
TUESDAY, NOV 23, 2004

Tonight Rickk and Frosty are going to the Laker game. Look for the faux hawk that has carried over since that Thrasher thing as well as a plaid button up that has carried over since that Blockhead thing and that's them.

Rickk has decided shit talking is stupid. Here's the short speech he gave on the subject:
"Shit talking is stupid, it's a waste of time. You just sit around sounding like a bunch of goofs. And think of the other good things you could be doing instead of that, I'm over it".
Looks like he's no fun to be around anymore.

Long Island Jon is so over us. I think you get into a groove in San Diego and we just start seeming really lame to you. I mean, when you're in a city where blonde straightened hair is just breaking on to the scene and Seven jeans are now available in more then one wash, so over your old friends.

Did you see how in the introduction to Hime's 5, The Mez wrote that he was one of the only reps we like? He's actually one of the only people we like over all so I thought that was cool that The Mez would alienate all our other reps like that and make them think we didn't like them. Maybe they'll drop our lines, Aaron and you'll be doing sheet metal work with your brother. Would you like that? To get a real job, Mez?

Tomorrow, since it's our last day at the office before we leave for our Thanksgiving break, we're having a pizza lunch. Just like the pilgrims did, with stuft crust.

ENTRY #545
MONDAY, NOV 22, 2004

Maybe Kobe isn't that bad of a guy, he never jumped into the stands and started beating fans up. Maybe someone should dump some beer on him just to see if he would.

You know what we need more of? More emo bands with 4 or 5 members, all wearing some sort of vintage t-shirt with lyrics about old girlfriends and cool experiences that non-band people can't relate to.

Today's Honourary Crail Canadian is James Gay. Gay was born in England in the 1800's and moved to Guelph, Ontario early in his life. He fancied himself a gunsmith, umbrella repairer (?), blacksmith, hotel keeper and poet.
Here's a sample out of one of his poems:
"A poets mind is clean and bright
No room for hatred, malice or spite".
Let's hope he was better at fixing umbrella's then he was at poetry.
He's currently buried in Woodlawn cemetary in Guelph.
Welcome to The Tap, Mr. Gay.

A company out of England is releasing a video game called JFK RELOADED. Classy Brits! It allows the player to re-enact the shooting of President Kennedy. I can see why they look down their noses at us, such a dignified idea for a game.

I have to go, the most fun team in all of skateboarding needs some attention.

ENTRY #544
FRIDAY, NOV 19, 2004

Not today.

ENTRY #543
THURSDAY, NOV 18, 2004

The Gav, Hime and Shcnurr all went to a Laker game and sat in a premier box with the folks from 411. I hope it's OK with The Gav that I wrote that.
Rickk didn't go because he thinks sitting in those boxes are distracting because of the chicken strips.
Frosty went but didn't need me to Tivo it because he wasn't in the range of the camera shots on the court.

Just when I had The Mez' back, he stabs me in mine. That's OK, though.
Raymond, I've got tons of Mustang photos for you, maybe even the actual car of The Mez. I'll get them out to you asap.

I had my first baking assignment from Lakai. It didn't pay well but those guys are a nice bunch of guys so I took the job. I know a girl that baked brownies for an x-boyfriend and put ex-lax in the mix. He's now an account of the company she owns. Isn't that funny? First she made him have diarrhea and then she makes money off him.
I like her.

Anne Huf is now the proud owner of a nail salon. They don't serve smoothies but they do manicures and pedicures. Anne's brother is a partner in the business but doesn't ever come in to the salon. He just plays polo in the desert while she does all the work. Why am I thinking of Spike right now? Weird.

I have to go, it's martini time!

ENTRY #542

Last night I was forced to watch the Clippers game because Rickk and Frosty had court side seats and made me Tivo it for them so they could see themselves later. They're so cute.
I don't want to say who said the following statement, "look for us, I'm wearing a Girl OG shirt and I'm not sure what Frosty's wearing" but if you re-read it a few times, you might figure it out.
The Clippers announcer goes, "everywhere I go all the time, all I see is people wearing Clippers gear". You know why, Einstein? Your job is being the announcer at the Clippers games which means you're job involves for the most part all Clippers fans.
Try going out into the real world and I can guarantee you, you'll see no Clippers gear.

Another angry email, this time because we implied that Huf wasn't funny. Look, he's a nice guy with a heart of gold but he's not funny. You read his 5's Feature, it was like being on Nyquil. Go to his store that he named after himself (not as a joke, either, that would have been funny) and see if he makes you laugh. I've been to his store and I didn't laugh once. Actually, I did laugh once but that's only because his wife was there. She's funny.

Today's Honurary Crail Canadian is Pamela Anderson. She was the H.C.C. once before but I think we all agree, she deserves to get the honor twice.
The Gav used to be in love with her, Rickk loves her because she's Canadian and I'm pretty sure it's Mikey that was stoked on the Tommy/Pam sex tape.
Pam has a column in JANE magazine which is horrible and she can't ever stick to the point she is trying to make but you get special privileges when you're hot. She's usually babbling on in the column about "being yourself" or "reaching for the stars". Yawn.
She has two young sons with rocker, Tommy Lee. Other then that, I think her job is just to be hot.
She also has a bad habit of dating male models which really bothers me.
Welcome to The Tap, Pam.

Mez, maybe your boss has a hard time taking you serious when she goes in your office and you have a signed Gavin jersey on the wall as well as The Skateboard Mag ad rates. Did you ever think about that?

ENTRY #541
TUESDAY, NOV 16, 2004

I know, I know. He was so young when he had so much attention put upon him and maybe he just cracked under the pressure. It's so tough to be Kobe.
Oddly enough, in Italian, Kobe's second language, there still is no "i" in team.
If he goes to Spanish, he may have a case for being the selfish wonder that he is.

If you feel like barfing, maybe try a Pumpkin Pie shake from Jack In the Box.

Today's Honourary Crail Canadian is Pierre Trudeau. He was the flashiest and sexiest prime minister Canada has ever seen. He would drive sports cars and dated Barbara Striesand and Margot Kidder. (That's sassy if you're in Canada).
He was close friends with media guru Marshal McLuhan and was thought to be the one that coined the phrase, "The Medium is the Message". (I thought Mez coined that?).
He died in 2000 at the age of 81 and was mourned through out the entire world.
Welcome to Tha Tap, Pierre.

The Fucking Snack Machine needs to be tuned up. I made two purchases in the past two days and one time I had to buy two of the item I wanted to get the twirly thing to turn correctly and give me my snack and the other time I had to shake the stupid machine so my snack would fall. Smyth, I went to The Fucking Snack Machine for a snack, not to do cardio. Get your act together.

I got an email asking me if we knew that "the guy that used to be The Shit Cupcake has his own site and he hates you guys, especially The Mez". Everyone has their own site and hates us, the only thing unusual about what you wrote is "especially The Mez". We're used to "especially Mike and Rickk". And if The Shit Cupcake did some homework to see who truly pulled his column, he'd be making fun of how much peoples lives suck when they drive a Range Rover or a BMW 745.
The Mez pulls ads, not columns.

ENTRY #540
MONDAY, NOV 15, 2004

Nice warm welcome Kobe got at the American Music Awards last night.

Scott Peterson, so on blast right now. Why not go to jail for the rest of your life?

Yesterday was "Spike Day". He just laid in bed and relaxed and answered emails and thought about whether he should put a rainbow sticker on his back window or the bumper of his car.

It's back! Today's Honourary Crail Canadian is Norma Shearer. She was a famous actress that received the Academy Award for Best Actress in 1932 for her role in The Divorcee. She claims she was considered for the part of Scarlet O'Hara in Gone With The Wind but whatever, Norma. I really don't think they were going to give that role to a Canadian but think what you want.
Welcome to The Tap, Norma.

Sorry for the lag in the Burt Reynolds update. Normally the chapters are about 1 or 2 pages but the chapters I need to report on are like 5 pages each so you can see I have my work cut out for me.
I'll get them read and bring you up to speed by Friday. While you're waiting, go check out the DVS wake team on their site. I think they have the raddest wake team in all of....Torrance? That's hot.

Today work begins on Mikey's driveway. Ty, these are the following things that you will be hearing when you call Mikey to go skate:
1. I have to be here, the cement looks weird
2. The cement truck is shaped weird, I have to stay here
3. It smells weird, I think I should stay here
4. The cement sounds like it's getting poured weird, I shouldn't leave

ENTRY #539
FRIDAY, NOV 12, 2004

I think the Lakers had the night off last night. Let me check and see if I care...nope.

Bird didn't like being called a "mother fucker" in yesterday's column and would have rather been called "asshole". I think that "asshole" wouldn't have worked because on a regular basis when BD is talking to Bird, he probably calls him an "asshole". If he hasn't spoke to him in over a week, BD has to have put Bird at "mother fucker" status.
We haven't heard from BD, but if you see him tell him, no problem for patching things up.

Long Island Jon wants to let everyone know, it's now snowboarding season. I mean, it's in to go snowboarding.
As opposed to last month when it was out.

When The Hime wins the lottery, he's going to wear his bank balance on his t-shirt. He feels this will alert the girls that he's loaded and help in bedding more women.
I think the exact quote was, "man, if I was rich, I'd get so much more trim."
He's so deep.

ENTRY #538
THURSDAY, NOV 11, 2004

Last night The Grizzlies beat the Lakers and I didn't care.

The Gav is back in with The Tap. He went wakeboarding yesterday and can hardly walk today. He also looks like he's retaining a lot of water. Can't remember what my point was. Oh, I feel sorry for him. He has gay hobbies and he's chubby so he's back in on the pity factor.

Holy The Bachelor! That show is so awesome. As if we're not having a finale party at The Gav's!
Rickk and Hime are into the show now, too. It's good to have smart people enjoying the same shows as I do.
Rickk gave all the girls on the show little pet names. There are three girls left, Rickk named them South Bay Whore, Tampa Whore and Make-up Whore.
The girl that Rickk thought was a sure bet to get a rose got the boot but she didn't cry in the limo when she got the boot so Rickk was really into her. Then they showed previews for next week and she's sobbing like a baby and Rickk got bummed.
The one girl that got a rose is one of the girls from a previous season of The Bachelor. Maybe it's time to not look for a husband on national television, Tampa Whore.

Sometimes Tha Tap has to act as two big arms reaching out and hugging people. Bird and BD have been in a silent fight ever since Bird told Tha Tap that Podium put up a block so employees couldn't enjoy Tha Tap each day. Bird only told Tha Tap this because that was what he heard. And there's also the fact that Bird loves to deliver bad news.
BD probably feels like Bird is a big mouth mother fucker. Bird feels like BD and him have always been cool and shouldn't let one little mishap on a great website come between them and wants to go back to the old days.
(You're welcome, guys).

Hey Mez, I think some people might have suggested giving Huf a Top 5 because he's nice. Well, let's go back to giving back to people that are funny. Nice doesn't work. Thanks.

ENTRY #537

The Lakers won last night and I felt nothing. It's sort of like a leaf drifted over some cement, nothing permanent but the moment. (That last sentence was for you Mez, I'm writing for you).

I didn't mean the DVS wake team was gay like homosexual. If DVS could put together an all homosexual wake team, they'd be my new heros.
Speaking of wake teams, how does a wake demo work? Does everyone gather around the shore of the lake and then the....never mind. It has to be awesome, however it works, it has to be simply awesome.

The Gav has sort of faded from grace at Tha Tap. It's weird but I think we're over him. It reminds me of when the art department was all into Pete Yorn. They couldn't play enough Pete Yorn (except for Abeyta) and every time you went into one of their offices, Pete Yorn. Pete Yorn inspired a lot of the concepts that came out of the Art Dump for a good 12 months.
Then one day, no more Pete Yorn. No talk of Pete Yorn, no screen savers on Larson's computer, just gone like Pete Yorn never mattered.

I have to go change someone's diapers.

ENTRY #536
TUESDAY, NOV 09, 2004

I still hate The Lakers but I haven't been hypnotized yet.

George W is off to a running start with his consideration of a certain gentleman to head up the FDA. This certain gentleman once recommended that women with PMS turn to prayer for some relief. Retard.
Everyone knows you turn to wine for that.

Just want to clarify that The Mez is now in charge of all advertising decisions. The Mez now decides where we spend our money for advertising and how much we spend. He finalizes all ad photos as well as all ad copy.
That's right, THE MEZ.

Someone emailed me and said that it was lame to make friends with Podium and then point out that the DVS Wake Team was gay.
First of all, they know their wake team's gay, they just can't alienate them by posting photos of them and then writing, "look how gay, he's on a rail in the water with shoes on".
Secondly, don't worry about DVS, they're making enough money to let little websites like us making silly little comments about who they sponsor roll off their back.

Long Island Jon, we haven't heard from you. Don't want to have some photo of you show up in X-Biz with you throwing a chaka and wearing Ugg boots. Where are you?

ENTRY #535
MONDAY, NOV 08, 2004

I'm going to get hypnotized so I can try and like the Lakers. I called a hypnotist and she said she has hypnotized people so that they can stay in a marriage even when they think their husband or wife sucks. She's actually convinced people that they love someone they don't.
I figure this is much less difficult, I just need to be convinced that Kobe isn't a total selfish fucker and it's not like I have to live in a house with him.
I'm also going to need to be hypnotized to make Vlade seem invisible.

The Mez and PJ Ladd don't have the same car! But they will when PJ is 58 years old!

Now that we're friends with Podium again, well we actually never weren't we just thought they banned us and they thought we were morons for believing they would do that so we were actually not enemies, we just had a little two day fight where they were probably talking about what dicks we were and someone over here probably said something about them sucking, not sure who would do that but maybe someone.f
Where was I? Oh, yeah, now that we're friends again, I think I can be honest in telling them that the photo up on the wake site is extremely gay. The guy has shoes on in the water! Parks Bonifay, you don't wear shoes in the water.

Yesterday I read that since Americans are so much fatter then they used to be, it takes more fuel to fly planes then it did in previous decades. Since we burn more fuel, we're more rapidly ruining the environment.
Not a day goes by that I don't just want to put a flag in my front yard, put my hand on my heart and cry with pride.
We're an awesome little country, really.

Yesterday Rick said he is pretty sure that every company hates us but Deluxe. Could we get a confirmation from Deluxe on that? Thanks.

ENTRY #534
FRIDAY, NOV 05, 2004

Everyone ready for Kobe and the Kobe-ettes to take on the Spurs? Go scoring title!

So, as you know we might have been alluding to the fact that the leaders over at Podium, or as they're known on the streets; The Dunlap Five, put a block on The Tap.
A couple of big BIRDS told us that too many people were spending too much time on The Tap and not selling shoes. Well, as with many of the versions we get from little BIRDS, it was all a bunch of bullshit.
The server had to be shut down for an hour as they had a virus. A lot less exciting then being banned but it is what it is.
I apologize to all of Podium, except for the wakeboard team.

Did anyone see The Bachelor on Wednesday night? SO GOOD! He had four girls left and three roses to give out at the next ceremony. They all got to go on individual dates with him. At the end of each date they had the choice to spend the night with The Bachelor. The one girl that said, "I would rather not, it might look bad to my family" got the boot!
What a fool! Everyone knows if you're trying to get picked from a shallow dip shit looking for a wife on TV, you have to put out!

Carnahan comes in with the next two chapters in My Life by Burt Reynolds:

Chapter 12 starts out with Burt claiming he was the "All Everything" of football players. All until the first game of the season were he blew his knee out. He was carried off the field on a stretcher but returned to the game to turn his knee into what he called hamburger and gristle. After his football career was ruined he went back to being the little spoiled bitch that he used to be. Being the self centered prick Burt was he borrowed his daddy's 53 Buick and went hauling ass around town. He got pulled over for doing 100 mph in a 45 and tried getting out of the ticket. After failing, he found some dirt roads to go haul ass on but ended up driving right into the back of a flat bed truck. Burt was then rushed to the hospital for a ruptured spleen. After a long dramatic operation he pulled through and as fate would have it he would hook up with the head nurse. He woke up Christmas day with 57 staples going down his stomach. 5 days later he jogged on the beach.

(you gotta read the last paragraph of chapter 12, it is just so ridiculous).

Chapter 13
Burt turns over a new leaf by attending Palm Beach Junior College. There he took art appreciation and English literature and what do you know he excelled instantly. After being in like one play he won the Florida State Drama award and received a scholarship to Hide Park Playhouse in Upstate New York. Shortly after being there he met up with a girl he knew from Georgia. She invited him to a party were he was made fun of and later fondled by the gay host of the party. Burt didn't like being held by a man so he picked the guy up and airmailed him into the next room. Through his new friend he got signed by MCA and got casted in Tea and Sympathy.

Sorry for the horrible write up guys. I think I have ADD or something.


ENTRY #533

Last night during the Laker game I vacuumed, worked out and then baked some cinnamon cookies. Ha Ha, sorry Kobe, you big egomaniac, you're not wasting my time anymore.

Did you know that in the 1800's in Canada they wouldn't let women vote unless you owned property? Big deal, right? I know, I just found that out last night when I was reading and not watching Kobe and thought it was a funny rule to make. Canada also has these rules that as a radio or TV station you have to have at least 50% or more Canadian content which is why Much Music is so rad.

I'm so stoked with my new personality. I'm over everyone and I get to go to gatherings now and sit with The Meza's and just shake my head at everyone. I know Diana and Aaron probably wait until they got in the car to talk shit but I think with me by their side, they'll feel a certain confidence to just do it right then.

Censorship at Podium? Wow!! Well, I guess that sounds about right. I wonder if they let the women there leave to go and vote yesterday.

I got an email from a guy that attached a photo of his cousin that likes, "guys that wear black and would be psyched to meet Hime". That's cool and all but I think Hime would think your cousin looks like she has a good personality. Sorry but I think I have more than alluded to the fact that The Hime is fucking shallow. Like I said, I think your cousin looks awesome but I think Hime would be bothered by the two rolls of fat on her stomach. If it was just one, she'd be in.

I have to go empty my glass, it's almost half full.

ENTRY #532
TUESDAY, NOV 02, 2004

Opening night tonight for The Lakers, keep your eyes on Kobe and make sure to cheer for him the loudest. He may asked to be traded if you don't.

Burt continues to be a total tool, here's chapter 10 and 11 from Burt Reynolds, My Life:


Chapter 10 kicks things off with more talk of Burt's inexplicable football skills. He was so awesome he got 14 scholarship offers. I guess he was also good at doing it with chicks because he got one named Constance knocked up proper. Being the honorable man Burt was, he decided that they should get married and planned to bounce to Georgia and elope. Constance's mom found out and informed Burt that they couldn't get married because he was white trash. To seal the deal she took Constance down to Cuba for an abortion and that was that. Little did Constance's mother know, Burt would come to be so rich & famous that the media would want to talk to her regarding their relationship. When asked about how long she had known Burt, she explained that when she was just a "young-un" Burt used to "bang my brains out against that old palm tree over there...just bang my brains out". I guess that you couldn't say things like that on television at the time, so they cut and asked her again. The second time around she was a bit more tactful and left it with   "Why, Buddy had my cherry." Classy lady.

Chapter 11 is basically his first year of college. He had planned to sign with Miami but got conned into signing with Florida State. As in any situation, Burt dominated as soon as he stepped foot on campus. He kicked ass at football & joined a fraternity, weird. He set a precedent at the Fraternity right out of the gate. Some Junior member ordered Burt to wash his car, Burt retaliated by filling the inside of the car with water, so tough. After that he punched a hole through some line backers wall, the guy didn't even sweat him.

Take care,

I'm getting bummed at The Fucking Snack Machine. I was just in this system of having part of a granola bar around 11 and then having the rest later in the day, after lunch but now Smyth switched them out with these weird protein bars that taste like they have some sort of vegan chocolate on them. Way to keep the customers coming back, Sam. It's back to the dairy for me.

Did you vote? Go do it! Did you know that long long ago that each man running didn't choose a running mate but the person that came in second was assigned to the position of Vice President? They realized after four elections that having one person work side by side with a person that they told everyone was an asshole for the entire year preceding that just didn't seem like a good idea. I think it would be possible to work with people that you tell other people are asshole's....oops.

So over (put your name here)!

ENTRY #531
MONDAY, NOV 01, 2004

I don't have anything to tell you today other then the story that my brother told me yesterday about getting mad at the girl driving too close behind him in his car so at a stop sign, he got out of the car and threw his smoothie on her windshield.
I'll try and think of more stuff tomorrow.