FRIDAY, OCT 29, 2004
Trend forecast: Dalmation puppies, so hot right now.
Here's Chapter 8 and 9 of Burt Reynolds, My Life:
Burt tried out for the football team only because his friend did. As usual, he hasn't an original idea in his empty head. Burt coyly admits that he had "raw talent" and that he was one of four kids in the whole school to go on to get some special jock honor. His incentive to be a great football player was so Papa Burt would finally notice his annoying ass. I'm sure Burt hated to sound like he was bragging but as the year went on, he had that same raw talent for every other sport he took a shot at.
The year ended with him having three letters on his letterman's sweater.
The next year he started to discover girls only because since he was such a great athlete girls were discovering him. He was bummed when one of the girls he was kissing under a tree slipped her tongue in his mouth. One of his friends had to explain to him that what she did was french him.
So as with the other chapters, Burt is a stupid prick.
The bum near my house is pretty cool. He told me that some other bum tried to steal his shoes and then he told them a nice girl gave them to him so please steal something else from him. He doesn't have that much rad stuff so I have to guess the other bum just dropped the whole deal. Unless he wants that beach towel he has in his bike basket that looks like it was pulled from the bottom of an outhouse.
I gave him some Lakai t-shirts and he gave me the pink one back. I guess pink hasn't hit the bum circuit yet.
The Hime wants to know what's up with the request he put out on The Tap for chicks. He's pretty cool if you're not looking to settle down and aren't looking for a lot of respect, call backs or cuddling.
Long Island Jon is on day 5 of his quest to be the hottest guy in all of Vista, California. Shooting for the stars is what it's called, folks.
I have to go, I'm going to rent an apartment in Candyland!
THURSDAY, OCT 28, 2004
Who's idea was it for that tool from Creed to sing God Bless America last night? I don't think God wants to do anything for America when we let a prick like that perform at what we consider our national pastime.
God was probably like, "these assholes have really shitty taste in music, I'm not doing anything for them all week".
The Bachelor was so good last night. The girls are getting so fucking crazy. He frenched everyone he went on a date with. That would be so rad if one person had herpes and they all woke up with big pepperoni's on their lips.
He was on the beach with this one chick and they were looking at the ocean. They saw a dolphin and I swear if you were looking away from the TV, you would have thought they saw a zebra trotting across the water. It was a fucking dolphin, you losers! That's the only place you see them other then Sea World.
She was like, "oh my gosh, I can't believe it, look it's really a dolphin". You really can't believe it? Or at 37 do you still think it's cute to act stupid? No wonder you're looking for a husband on TV. But keep it up, I love the show.
Speaking of husbands, being married to Huf really is like being married to Tom Selleck. Anne told me that he took her to Cuba for their honeymoon. How chic! Keith, you should take her to Iraq for your tenth wedding anniversary.
For some silly reason, Long Island Jon left me a message telling me that he got a trainer and he hasn't had alcohol or carbs in three days. He probably wanted me to post it on The Tap so other people that feel inspired to jump on the health wagon will get a hold of him.
Hey Jon, I lie to my trainer about drinking and candy and he told me I'm his favorite client because I really am dedicated. Sure, it's based on lies but it sure feels good to hear him say that!
I have to go buy some skittles, stay cool.
WEDNESDAY, OCT 27, 2004
Not so much.
TUESDAY, OCT 26, 2004
It would be cool to get a license plate frame that says, "I'd rather be trend forecasting". Just kidding.
I got an email from someone saying that "trendforecaster is the gayest job you could have". Shut up! What about being the fluffer in a gay porn, isn't that gayer?
The Book Club is back on. It's now officially called The Fucking Book Club. Carnalag came to his senses and realized that when you take My Little Dumpling out of his circle of friends, things look pretty grim.
So he read Chapters 6 and 7 of My Life by Burt Reynolds and this is what he learned:
Burt makes friends with another kid that he claims to be like him, an outcast. His new friends name is Jimmy Hooks and goes to another school in the same town called Conniston. Jimmy brings Burt back to his house to show him his drunk child abusing mom. While at the house the drunk mom's boyfriend beats on Jimmy a little in front of Burt but he is too scared to help his new friend out. Afterwards Burt takes Jimmy home and tells his parents that Jimmy is his new brother and he is going to live with them. I personally think Jimmy Hook's is a fictional character that Burt thought of to make him look like a better person.
In this chapter Burt gets bored with life and decides to be a 12 year old outlaw and skip town with some older guys. They plan on hopping trains and being hobo's. Burt was in charge of getting money for the trip so he stole $100 from his hard working mom with no guilt. After hearing his mom cry over the lost money he left it in his father's car and split town with the older guys. They were pissed about not having the money so they told Burt not to screw up again. Him and the older guys hopped a train out of town and ended up in South Carolina to get off the train and get picked up by a sheriff. After spending a night in jail they were put to work by a local farmer. Burt didn't mind working hard and sweating it out because he spent most of the time perving on one of the migrant workers young daughters. After three rough days in jail Big Burt wired money for 3 bus tickets back to riviera and Burt jr was never punished because he is a little spoiled "Bitch."
I'll read chapters 8 and 9 tonight and keep you on the edge of your seat tomorrow.
The Mez is in jury duty right now. He is so selfish, there is so much stuff to be done here at work but no, Model Citizen Boy has to go try and score more brownie points by not skipping out on his civic duty. Loser.
MONDAY, OCT 25, 2004
Why not be that guy, Bird and Buscemi? Why not be the total asshole calling people during the pre-season? Why not especially after one of you was the one to point out how ridiculous it was when someone called you in the pre-season?
Why not be sour together because both your teams were eliminated from any chances of going to the World Series? Why not leave 4 messages? Why not mention that you "somehow ended up at a Laker game?"
I got a special request to bring back the pirate joke. Why not? Here it is:
A pirate walks into a whore house and the lady at the front days, "what can I do for you?" to which the pirate responds, "Arrrhh, I'm just looking for some booty."
I didn't say I brought back the funny pirate joke, just the pirate joke.
Sorry for flaking out on the Burt Reynolds book thing. Jeremy is so busy that he couldn't read his chapters and so we had to fold the club. Whatever, Carnalag! I hope all your new friends are cool.
Yesterday I had to stop at this sketchy mini mart off the 10 and there was this guy in the parking lot that looked homeless. So when I went inside, I got a diet coke for me and I bought him a sandwich, water and some Doritos.
When I went outside, I handed the bag to him and he goes, "what the fuck is this" and I said, "I figured you were hungry" and he said, "mind your own business, bitch".
So I get in my car and he starts walking over to the car and goes, "Is that a Lakai sweatshirt" and I said, "yes" and he goes, "that's my second favorite shoe company, Circa is my favorite" and I said, "no way, me too".
And then he asked me for beer money and I gave him 5 bucks.
I think the moral to the story is: Mind your own business and don't wear Lakai sweatshirts. Maybe just mind your own business, I think the Lakai sweatshirt bonded us.
I gave the sandwich and the chips to the bum that lives near my house, I don't know what shoe company he likes but he wears Lakai's because I gave him a pair after he had this shoes with holes in them. I do need to mind my own business.
I have to go cross Bird and Buscemi off my Christmas list. Pricks.
FRIDAY, OCT 22, 2004
It's the 22nd of October and you know what that means? Tomorrow is the 23rd.
We got an email from a guy that works with the X-Dance Film Festival and they don't hate us. Or at least that's what this guy said. Not sure how this changes things but I guess I thought it was good for you to know that not everyone hates us. A lot of people do but not as many as we thought.
Fucking Bob K! We got another email from a kid saying "I like that one t-shirt that Fourstar did...." and it was a Crownfarmer t-shirt. For the love of God, Bob, tell kids where you are and how to get a hold of you.
Who are we, your secretary?
I was totally kidding about those white stickers on the back of people's cars. Seriously. And my favorite ones are the Podium logos that people can put on their cars. I was just jealous that I didn't have one and didn't know where to get one so I let my insecurity and jealousy lash out and make me look childish. I apologize.
(That's a trick The Gav taught me, when you get caught talking shit or something, just say you're kidding).
Top 5 Reason's The Mez won't give Long Island Jon a Top 5:
1. He's a Yankee's fan
2. He's a trend forecaster (if we celebrate trend forecasters we lower our street cred down by 56%).
3. The Gav will do a Top 5 in a heart beat
4. It give one a feeling of power
5. He's a trend forecaster
THURSDAY, OCT 21, 2004
I need more self absorbed friends. Lots of them.
I'm calling Ty to find out what "Fuck Lulu's" means. It's ringing, still ringing.
Ringer: What does "Fuck Lulu's" mean?
Ty: It's a place everyone goes to for breakfast
Ringer: Why do you hate it?
Ty: Because when I'm ready to go film someone's always like, "i'm going to Lulu's for breakfast" and it means I have to wait another hour and a half to get going.
I agree with Ty, Fuck Lulu's!
You know those white stickers people put on their car that are the outline of whatever they're into? Like Jet skiers will have an outline of a guy jumping on a jet ski? Those bug me really bad. I probably shouldn't write this but a lot of people at Podium have them but they're the various logos of the companies they own, like the Matix logo with the weird "m" that looks like a squiggly line or the Lakai flare. They look really stupid and I don't think people driving behind you in your car care what you're in to.
The Gav doesn't have any on his car. Yet.
Hime, will you call me? I think there was a story we talked about that I wasn't supposed to tell when you were here earlier. It wasn't the one about your neighbor, right? And the "rain rule" where you guys pretend the thunder is scaring you both but it's just a trick to get her in the sack? Call me, we'll sort it out.
(If that was the story, totally sorry).
The Bose Radio's motto is "At least one belongs in every home". Wouldn't they sell more if they changed it to "At least three belong in every home"?.
WEDNESDAY, OCT 20, 2004
If Derek Jeter and A Rod jump off a bridge at the same time, who hits the ground first? Who cares?
Long Island Jon called everyone at The Tap "bandwagoners". Better a bandwagoner then just plain banned. See ya, buddy.
The Gav is burning the candle at both ends. I called him to see how he was doing and this is just a portion of what I found out:
1. Dealing with wedding planners
2. Dealing with agents
3. Trying to launch a new shoe
4. Trying to become a real estate tycoon
5. Being forced to go to clubs by Frosty
6. Trying to outline the rules of his house for guests
7. Marketing (he's always doing that, though)
Being The Gav is not a part time job, kids.
Mrs. The Mez is getting a new car. Matching Mustangs is pretty sweet.
Gino is giving The Hime a run for his money with the girls here at Girl. They get pretty giddy when The Hime is around but they can hardly speak when Gino shows up. Everyone gets love drunk as soon as he enters the building. Everyone expect for Chuck.
TUESDAY, OCT 19, 2004
Long Island Jon, does Jeter really suck A Rod? Go Boston!
The Hime is looking for a new assistant now as well as super models that want to hump him. How awesome would it be if a super model was looking for an assistant rep job? That would be like one of those letters people write in to Hustler or whatever with some story that totally never happened. It's usually some dude that's a plumber and when he shows up at the house he's supposed to do a repair at a leggy blonde answers the door naked. Or is that a porno I saw?
Either way, keep Hime in mind.
I was on the phone with Bird last night and he almost choked to death. I thought how lame it would be if he really did choke to death and then I had to try and tell people that without laughing.
I would have to send out an email because I would seem so lame if I was like, "Yeah, Gav, um Bird won't be in today, he choked to death last night on some ice" and then started cracking up.
Some kid sent us an email saying that he wanted to get a hold of Bob K to let him know that he wanted to grow up and be just like him. Dude, you don't do that. That's like calling someone's ex girlfriend or boyfriend and saying, "hey, I loved so and so, I know you don't go out anymore, how do I get a hold of so and so to tell them they rule". Well, maybe it's a little different. But Bob did leave some gifts I gave him when he stormed out, that fucker. Good gifts, too.
Today's Anne Huf's birthday so Keith took her to a spa and then he's taking her to the movies. Wow, it's like she's married to Tom Selleck!
Happy Birthday, Anne.
MONDAY, OCT 18, 2004
So over you , people!
A Laker circle jerk? Whatever, dude. I hate the Lakers, The Mez doesn't even know the rules of basketball and hangs out with tons of known haters, Bird hates the Lakers. Unless Rickk and Frosty can form a circle, that's way off base.
The Gav went out on Saturday night only because Frosty talked him into it. That sounds about right. If I remember correctly it's Tim that always wants to stay home but Eric just nags him and nags him, "let's go party, come on, Gav". Hard to believe Tim even tried to sell me that, right?
Gotta go blow up balloons for tonight's game, we're Boston fans now.
FRIDAY, OCT 15, 2004
I got an email explaining to me where The Glove was and correcting me for writing that the Lakers should just give him back to the Sonics when they played them the other night. I knew he went to Boston and he wasn't a Laker for the Lakers to give away, I was sort of making fun of him for acting like he was going to pout until the Lakers kept him and trying to sort of act like I didn't care about the Lakers anymore. My humor is so subtle that sometimes you might think I'm stupid. Did you know before the season started he got drunk and drove his car up an off ramp or maybe backed down an on ramp? He did but unlike Kobe, when the police questioned him he didn't say, "well when Shaq is drunk on the freeway he just pays the cops off".
I think my house was part of one of those make over shows. I came home yesterday and someone had transformed it into a outhouse. Thanks, I think.
Tonsil update: What a baby! Spike's milking this one hard. He has to have his vicodin broken up into apple sauce and then fed to him on a baby spoon. You'd think Mikey had gotten his tonsils out.
Steve Douglas is bullying us into becoming a member of IASC again. He sent us a whole package and a letter telling us how it is going to change our lives. We're in! I thought everyone except for Don Brown that was a part of IASC had a secret handshake that meant, "Rick's a Dick".
We're sending out our dues today and becoming part of the people that count. Just so it's still fun for the original members, we had a suggestion to make: When sending out the meeting times, always put on the Girl invite that the meeting is starting one hour later then it really is. That way all the other members can have a whole hour to talk shit on us before we get there.
Every other Friday this company comes to Girl and you can get your car washed for $10. The Mez feels like the cars should be washed in order of how fast they go. Isn't that funny? The Mez actually considers his car, "fast".
THURSDAY, OCT 14, 2004
I was going to give The Mez a new title, other then Content Provider, but with the amount of content he's been providing, the only thing I could come up with was Extreme Content Provider.
You win, Aaron, keep on posting buddy.
WEDNESDAY, OCT 13, 2004
It's official, I actually hate The Lakers. Sorry.
I'm not going to send out those stupid emails when they lose or put it in my email address, I'll leave that for the bored haters. But I just can't make myself care if they win or lose with such a self centered asshole as captain.
And I'm supposed to back Vlade now?
Gino lives in LA. Today. Tomorrow he could be on a flight back to NY.
I can't believe we haven't gotten any submissions to date The Hime. All you need to be is hot, that doesn't mean he's shallow, just means he likes hot girls. Come on, send 'em in.
A quick update to the Mikey vs. the I-tunes store: Rickk said, "it wasn't four songs, he bought an entire album four times and in case anyone really cares, it was The Best of WuTang."
Rickk just made the mistake of telling me about a dream he had in Australia where a terrorist planted a bomb in his T4. When it exploded, O'Meally and his brother were laughing at him.
He didn't want it on The Tap so why would he tell me?
Well, as long as it's up here, I might as well interpret it for you.
The dream means that Rickk thinks the terrorists consider him more of a threat individually then all of Western Civilization. And it means that Rickk feels O'Meally and his brother don't truly love him.
Tonsil update: Spike can't talk but he can type. That's how we know his throat is jacked, he's being taken care of by a competent sweet young lady and all he can eat is ice cream.
I wonder if he'll get as fat as Tremaine from only eating ice cream. Ooops, I mean as "phat" as Tremaine. Sorry, Jeff.
TUESDAY, OCT 12, 2004
Finally something to talk about. The Lakers play Seattle tonight. It's only a pre-season game but maybe they can give The Glove back to them. He should just get in the bus when they pack up to go back up north. He only cost us a ring. Or was that Kobe being a self centered prick?
Mikey learned a good lesson in Australia, don't drink and download. He got all hammered and ended up buying the same song 4 times in the I-tunes store. We don't keep him because he's smart, we keep him because he's consistent.
The Mez is about to find out how it feels to have a lot of people think you're a jerk.
Spike got his tonsils out today. He cried when he got his wisdom teeth out so who knows what kind of shape he's in with this surgery. Such a baby.
That one guy that we liked to call "a certain trend forecaster" is now known as "the copy cat". He sees Scott and The Gav get engaged and all the sudden look who's down on one knee? Congrats, Jon!
MONDAY, OCT 11, 2004
The Mez and Smyth finally get back from their vacation and what do they do? Take the day off. How do you say lazy in Australian?
Someone that works here at Girl took their panties off at a concert this weekend and threw them on the stage. That can not be good for our image.
Tomorrow is when this column gets good, no really.
FRIDAY, OCT 8, 2004
The Hime's butt is not sore so that solves that mystery. I thought The Gav was mad at me for writing in my column that his weiner was little. He told me it was the truth that hurt him, not my words. That's understandable.
Back to The Hime. If you have a cute sister or friend or cousin between the ages of 19 and 29 and they look like a super model, The Hime would like to take them to dinner and then maybe back to his place to look at his art collection.
Send photos to THE HIME LIKES GIRLS, A LOT c/o The Tap 22500 S Vermont Ave Torrance CA 90502.
Did I ever tell you about that guy that I saw parallel park a Budweiser truck? It was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. The truck was about 4 inches from the curb when he was done. I wish I had a digital camera with me, I would have taken photos. Oh well, at least Smyth and The Mez have digital camera's, that's all that matters.
IHOP has pumpkin pancakes right now since Halloween is coming. They're disgusting.
Larson lost the keys to his car and Volvo only charged him $350 to make a new key. What a nice car company, right? I'm sure the first thing Larson will do when it's time to get a new car is say to himself, "well, I really should stick with Volvo, just in case I lose my keys". Pricks. (Not Larson, Volvo. Although, last week when 90% of the company was in Australia, if I would have written, "Pricks" I probably would have been talking about Larson).
SOLD is coming to an Art Gallery near you, watch your back!
THURSDAY, OCT 7, 2004
Yesterday I had a salad from McDonalds and today I had a salad from Burger King. (I think you know what was going to come next so I just won't say anything at all).
The Gav slept in The Hime's bed last night. We're not saying where The Hime slept but they were both drunk and we've already established that at least one of them has a little weiner. I'll find out if The Hime's butt hurts and then we'll solve this mystery.
I haven't slept in a bunch of nights but I have been up late enough to buy a water purifying system and an ab roller workout thing. I know it sounds lame but if the networks would just put The Bachelor on all night, I wouldn't seem lame.
I'm enthusiastic about the future! (That's only funny to Larson and Jenkins).
WEDNESDAY, OCT 6, 2004
That total dick from Sugar Ray is now a host on that show Extra. I'm bummed, I thought he would be waiting tables or something where I wouldn't have to see him. I guess no more Extra for me until they fire him. I wonder what I'll watch instead.
Someone emailed me a link that talked about Ty Evan's ruining Girl...
Couple things here, first, don't email me skate links, I'm not interested. Really. A while back someone emailed me a link to some old skate ads that Mike and Rickk were in. Still, not interested.
Spike emailed me a link the other day of girls farting in peoples faces, it was a fetish site, that didn't bum me out that much.
Second, Ty didn't ruin Girl, Spike did. It's a long story dating back to some shampoo commercials he did in Japan but let it be known, Spike is to blame.
Ty did ruin our chances of ever being invited back to X-Dance but just as we stuck with Spike when he ruined Girl we're standing by Ty, too.
The Gav was a little bummed that we mentioned he had scabies on The Tap. I hope he knows he was in good company, Rickk, Bird and Anne Huf are all dirty scums, too.
He did say that it made him look at his weiner and be happy it was clean. Yuk, I saw a photo of his weiner one time from a house boat trip all the boys went on, it was little.
The last thing I heard Rickk say from outside the demo in Australia was, "Oh shit, Frost just broke his board and his allergies are on full blast". I think it's safe to say along with a lot of Treo's in the van, there might be someone pouting. Yipes.
TUESDAY, OCT 5, 2004
Treo's are dumb, Sidekicks still rule. Sorry everyone in the van reading this on their Treo. Sucks for you and you don't even have a column either. You're just in a van with mohawks from when you lost in in King of The Road and pink hats from when you went to a Pink Party with your girlfriend and athletes foot that you have had since you were an infant. You're bummed. At least you have BA with you wearing that cool Nelly t-shirt to balance out things.
MONDAY, OCT 4, 2004
I'm not updating my column and I'm not even in Australia. Isn't that great?
FRIDAY, OCT 1, 2004
Let's kick off October by not updating any of the site, OK ART
DUMP IN OZ??? And keep that Daily Photo up, it keeps reminding me who I'm pissed off at.
THURSDAY, SEPT 30, 2004
I bet Shaq's
bummed he and Kobe aren't still bro's, Kobe seems like a good guy to
have on your side in a pinch.
Hey Jer-bo, don't email my little dumpling and ask him if I'm mad at
you guys! Call me, tough guy and ask me. And by the way, I'm not mad
at you guys anymore, I'm over you, there's a big difference.
Next time you see The Gav, marketing director of DVS, ask him about
the Metzger shoe. And I guess if he doesn't want to talk about that,
ask him about the time he had scabies. Yep, The Gav, too.
I'm re-writing the Judy Blume classic, "Are you there God, it's
me Margaret" with a twist. This time it's called, "Are you
there God, it's me Meza". So many of the same struggles for The
Mez and an adolescent girl in a new city. I'll keep you posted.
You know what's weird? It's almost been a year since we were at that
Halloween party and Bird got a beer dumped on his head that he thought
got dumped by Vista Jon. He still doesn't know to this day that it was
someone else. Weird.
No one in my family had ever been peed on. There, are you happy?
Shit starters are so lame.
WEDNESDAY, SEPT 29, 2004
You know how Donald Trump trademarked "You're Fired"? Well
he did. So I trademarked "You're Fucked", just in case.
Gav, can you come back to Golds? At the rate you're going, you're going
to have to wear one of those maternity tuxedo's at your wedding and
that's not going to be hot at all. Plus, you seriously have to see the
"Core" training I'm involved in. The sight is definitely a
You know how for the past few months, The Hime and Rickk have been sort
of cosmically linked through their sexual adventures? (Not like that!).
Well, this past weekend, The Hime got lucky and Rickk played Marbles
on his Treo with Mikey. I think it's safe to see the link goes on!
Ty's back from his honeymoon and he called and there was no sign of
him quitting so I think the damages at the wedding were minimal. Ty,
call for Spike's Amex number if there was anything that needs to be
TUESDAY, SEPT 28, 2004
I wish I was in the Ice Capades. That would be so fun.
SUNDAY, SEPT 26, 2004
There's a church on Sepulveda in Torrance and on the marquis out front
it says, "WWJD, I bet he'd use his turn signal". I wish I
had my own church with a marquis out front, I'd drop hints to people
that God doesn't appreciate their shitty driving, too.
Remember not so long ago when I mentioned that both Hime and Rickk had
corn rows at one point and they both claimed the corn rows got them
laid? Well, guess which two little sluts have something else in common?
That's right, both The Hime and Rickk have been in the middle of a passionate
lovemaking session and had a surprise finger up the butt.
Rickk's was a bit dirtier as he was getting it on in the woods of Canada
when it happened. (Holy hepatitis!). The Hime just told the girl to
go wash her hands and to not do that again or to ever go near that part
of his body again.
Hey Hime, have you ever pooped on a girl? Just kidding, neither has
Shouldn't Anne Hufnagel know better then to tell me that she had scabies
one time years ago and they were a gift from Bird? They're called BOUNDARIES,
Anne, learn about them.
We're pulling the MISSIN' THE MEZ contest as of today so all of you
aspiring artists that had the pastels out trying to sketch The Mez,
just chill out.
After thinking long and hard about the contest, I said to myself, "What
would Mrs. Meza want more? A half ass piece of art that some sorry kid
in Wisconsin thinks looks like her husband or an actual $100 gift from
Barney's?" And so as you can see, it was easy to cancel the contest.
Here's the last pee pee update because I need to actually be able to
go to Christmas and other holidays. My sister that doesn't read The
Tap was the one with the boyfriend that asked her if he could pee pee
She called me today to tell me about something funny her kid did and
so I said, "Hey, what did you tell Jerry that time he wanted to
pee on you" and she said, "I don't even remember but I think
he was cheating on me at that point" and so I said, "you think
he was peeing on other girls" and she said, "grow up, Megan,
I have to go."
FRIDAY, SEPT 24, 2004
It's really hard to say when things will get posted on this site. 90%
of the art department went flitting off to another country to do god
knows what. Last I heard, they were in a strip bar. You'd think with
the amount of money we've spent on computers/computer programs/internet
crap that I would be able to just imagine my column and the graphics
that I think should go along with it and it all would just appear on
Should I have not written that? We're talking about a sensitive group
of guys. I keep "crossing the line".
Just void that quote in the Randomer's column about Rickk's shit all
being put on display. He's not mad at me anymore. I told him no one
would even believe that he had scabies that big on his ass and so he
said, "you're right, you're funny" or something like that.
And we laughed and I rolled my eyes and it was all good.
It's not like it was dozens of scabies that had to be injected, it was
like 8 of them, chill out.
(And Spike, people get scabies from dirty girls and the beds that dirty
girls sleep in, OK? Let's stop with the "dumb" act, that only
works for girls).
My sisters on the other hand still don't like The Tap or that I made
it public that one of them was almost involved in a golden shower. Whatever.
I bet Mikey would let me write stories about any sort of pee pee activity
he was involved in because he cares about The Tap. Not like my selfish
family trying to act like they're English royalty or something. Try
and get your family to keep it real and they get so touchy.
The final opinion on the new furniture in my office is "tacky but
comfy". It sort of says to visitors, "we might be doing speed
but there aint no meth lab in this place". That's a nice message.
The Hime came by today and laid down on the couch for a while and thought
about buying one for his own house. The ladies at Girl love The Hime.
As soon as he comes in, everyone fixes their hair and touches up their
lipstick and when he leaves, everyone is so love drunk. That doesn't
happen when The Gav comes by. When The Gav comes by all the girls just
start saying, "was someone smoking, it smells horrible in here"
and when he leaves they say, "do you think he can get us some DVS
OK, so today is the first day of a new contest, with a $100 cash prize.
That's right, $100!!
The contest is called, "MISSING THE MEZ". Here's how it works.
The Mez has a lovely bride who doesn't deserve to be even mentioned
in a column with the other bad things in here but forget about that
The Mez' lovely bride gets sad when The Mez has to travel so that's
where you come in. Paint, draw, water color or sculpt a bust of The
Mez. This way, while The Mez is off in other countries, Diana will be
able to stare at the art for days and forget that she even misses anyone.
Don't miss out on the cash,get your entry together and send it to: MISSING
THE MEZ c/o THE TAP 22500 S VERMONT AVE TORRANCE CA 90502.
All entries must be received by October 10, 2004.
A panel of accomplished artists will choose the winner. That's right,
THURSDAY, SEPT 23, 2004
The Shit Cupcake got shit canned today but we're not pulling his column
yet. We want to give him one last night to have some drinks and write
one last angry post about how much we suck. I know since he updates
his column about twice a month, he'll get right on it.
On a brighter note, there is a new column coming to The Tap. It's called,
NOT RRICK OR RICKK, JUST RICK. It's going to be a special place where
Crankers posts photos and movies and maybe even pictures of people really
Is The Tap getting too "sober heavy" with The Mez already
steering the ship?
No way! Two designated drivers on The Tap now? Holy Mary Mother of God!
Spike called Frosty out today and said he's blaming him for the first
cupcake thrown at Ty's wedding. Eric, kick his ass?
The DVS Race site has been updated. Some guy named Tyler won some race.
Had to be wearing the Milan for sure.
WEDNESDAY, SEPT 22, 2004
Just got a new couch in my office. I guess they were having a blow out
sale on furniture that they confiscated from coke dealers in Miami.
I guess I'll go roll some hundred dollar bills up.
MONDAY, SEPT 20, 2004
Starting today, no posts about people peeing on each other, at least
when it involves my sisters. I guess I "crossed the line".
THURSDAY, SEPT 16, 2004
The Hime called a little while ago to ask me if Girl had direct deposit
(we have it for employees, in case you were wondering the same thing
but not for private contractors). He also wanted to tell me that he
already misses The Gav as The Gav prepares for marriage and that he
thought the 500th post was going to be better.
I thought it was going to be better, too. But Jesus, I'm not the one
that decided to hold a contest for the 500th post. And I don't have
any special powers, the column was going to suck in the 500th post as
it did in the 400th post.
Actually, I was going to use yesterday's column to write about the time
that Rickk had such a severe case of scabies that the doctor had to
individually inject each one on his ass in order to treat them. But
I didn't know if Rickk would feel comfortable with that, not to mention
that his mom reads this column and probably never even knew her son
She would probably read that and feel the same way my mom did the time
she over heard me on the phone telling my friend Susie that my older
sister's boyfriend wanted to pee pee on my older sister. My mom cried
until I convinced her I was totally kidding and how ridiculous to think
that people would really want to urinate on one another.
I am happy to tell you that there is a new The Trend Forecaster and
it's The Gav. We had to switch it up because we got one of those regional
skate sales reports that show what is selling where and DVS sandals
are fucking killing it. (Must be the wake team). Obviously this has
to be credited to The Gav as he is marketing director for all of the
If the old DVS sandals sold, the ones that chapped away the skin between
your big and second toe all the way to the bone, imagine how good the
new ones that are actually comfortable will sell.
I know it's going to be a lot of The Gav on The Tap but do you want
to know the trends or do you want to be wearing Seven jeans with whiskers
when they've been out of style for 3 seasons? I thought so.
Time to go pretend I'm in a meeting, call me.
WEDNESDAY, SEPT 15, 2004
Sorry for going off on Cal Trans yesterday. I guess my OCD just doesn't
like seeing the freeways only half done and they really do get shit
done super super fast. Like the way the 405/90 area off ramps have had
alternate routes up for two years. That's not that long, right? Anyway,
it's a real dangerous job and not a lot of people want the risk of working
on the side of a freeway where people drive like shit. (Yep, an angry
email from a fucker who has a friend at Cal Trans. Who can we talk shit
I think The Mez joined a car club, there's a white convertible Mustang
with a speed fin on it in the parking lot. Or maybe his brother is in
The Gav would like to ask everyone that attends trade shows to not loan
out their badges. He can't ever remember your name so if you're Chuckie
from Wake's R Us but you have your buddies badge on, how will The Gav
know that the two of you did shrimp cocktails together last time he
was in Florida?
Speaking of wake, The Ambush Slider Slam is finally over and T-Storm
got best trick. Cool name for a contest, what was Slam City Jam taken?
Oh, it was?
Congrats, T-Storm, hope you kept the spring suit on while you accepted
You know what trend forecasters do after four long days of trade show
parties and being "So Wow, So Now" for the better part of
a week? They curl up on the couch with some chamomile tea and one of
Gerald Celente's best sellers. And maybe a copy of Look Look if they
have the strength. Relax Jon, stressing over the Fall 05 color pallet
will only delay your recovery.
On Monday on The Oprah Winfrey show, she gave a new Pontiac to everyone
in the audience. She gave everyone in the crowd a box with a ribbon
on it and then she counted to three and told everyone to open them up.
The crowd sounded like they were walking across hot lava rocks when
they realized it was a car, it was insane. They were screaming like
a bunch of crazed lunatics. I'm trying to be more compassionate (even
though it isn't working) so I imagined that I was in the crowd and that
I won a car and the first thing that came to my mind was, "I don't
want a fucking Pontiac".
I can't remember what my point was but I didn't get there did I? Unless
my point was, "hey, look, 500 posts and I'm still a jerk".
TUESDAY, SEPT 14, 2004
So the new state of the art Cal Trans building in downtown LA is done.
ON TIME AND UNDER BUDGET. You know why? Because those fuckers from Cal
Trans didn't build it, they hired someone to build it. They should do
that on the freeways so you don't drive down the 91 and see the same
construction that you saw when you were on a school bus going to a damn
There seems to be some confusion as to what a Trend Forecaster is. I'm
assuming this because I got an email with the subject: WHAT THE FUCK
IS A TREND FORECASTER.
Let me break it into The Tap terms. Let's say Arnold on Happy Days was
going to have a party at his restaurant and have a band play and invite
people. He wouldn't really know what to do because he's Arnold. So he'd
hire The Fonz to tell him what band to get and what songs to put on
his juke box, what time the party should start, what time it should
end and most importantly, The Fonz would invite lots of ladies. The
Fonz is the trend forecaster, get it?
I know it's gay, but do you get it?
I think it's funny when you say to people "Get it"? And they
go, "Not very often".
I took a moment last night, well more like 22 minutes to listen to that
message Bird "left" me the other night while he was dazzling
that lucky young lady with his make out skills. I am sad to say, I deleted
the message. I had to make a judgment call...just kidding, as if.
I'm just trying to format and edit it before you guys get to hear Bird
say, "I live alone" in his Ali G imitation.
And Bird, just some advice, if you french for that many minutes, take
it all the way, life is short.
MONDAY, SEPT 13, 2004
We're going to be holding a fundraiser soon to get Bird a flip phone.
He was in the midst of a harsh make out when he accidentally pressed
send and I got to hear what it's like to be on the receiving end of
Bird's love talk.
He's the first guy I've heard imitate Ali G during a make out, pretty
As a good friend I have not played the message for anyone. The only
problem is, my cell phone is a company phone and I think that since
it's company property, I have to give the message to The Mez for The
Tap. Stay tuned for exclusive sound bites of what sounds like a lot
of drunken french kissing and maybe a feel up or two.
We got an email asking, "what would a trend forecaster that lives
in San Diego would be able to forecast, things that went out of style
7 years ago?". He lives in Vista, duh!
The Gav called from the trade show needing some important advice. He
was in the hotel room and didn't know whether to order White Chicks
or Mean Girls on the Pay Per View. He was bummed when I told him neither
was a porno.
Time to go dress shopping for that 500th entry
THURSDAY, SEPT 9, 2004
I can't update my column, there's an open house going on. Same reason
why The Shit Cupcake can't update his.
But just for all of you going to parties this weekend, ribbon belts
are the new Escalade.
WEDNESDAY, SEPT 8, 2004
Ever heard of BUILDERING? You're about to.
TUESDAY, SEPT 7, 2004
We were told by a particular trend forecaster that trends start in Japan,
move to Europe, get huge in New York and die in LA.
We were almost believing him until we set the trend of wearing all Spike's
clothes with wet under garments to clubs. That was born in LA, buddy,
and it very well may die here too.
Looks like someone lost their Top 5's feature, oops.
Finally, EA read the next two chapters of the Burt Reynolds book. He
is becoming more of a dick (not EA, Burt) with each passing chapter.
He falls in love with some girl at the age of 12 and they climb trees
and talk all the time. EA thinks she might have been good at something
that Burt didn't want to discuss in the book because he keeps talking
about her nice smile. Everyone knows the only time you care about a
nice smile if you're trying to get out of paying for someone else's
braces. Then his dad becomes a cop and his dad is the town bad ass.
(Weird to think that Burt Reynolds might be raised by an asshole, right?).
His dad even kick's Burt's ass a time or two.
He then gets into junior high where he is starting to think he is the
shit only to have his high school combined with a bigger high school
and taking away any chance Burt ever had of mattering.
Chapters 6 and 7 coming soon.
Whenever I go to get a glass of water and the Sparklett's bottle is
empty, I just mill around a few aisles and act like I'm checking stock
on something until someone else wants water and changes the bottle.
In some cities that is what is known as being a jerk.
I guess we're not mad at Transworld anymore for writing on their website
that Girl got "dead last" in the KOTR when really someone
else did. Skin called and talked us out staying pissed off. So now we're
looking for new things to be mad at.
As if the Mustang wasn't saucy enough, Meza is now driving the company
F150 on the weekends. He wants to shelf the whole sober thing but he's
going about the cry for us to make him drink in a very odd way.
FRIDAY, SEPT 3, 2004
Tune in after the long holiday weekend for the new, nicer Ringer. Nice
THURSDAY, SEPT 2, 2004
OK, so after a little cooling off of a week or so it'll be fine to be
into Kobe again, right?
The Gav told me the other day that he got a facial over the weekend.
I wonder if because his face is twice the size of a normal person if
they charge him twice as... never mind, that's not even nice.
"Not last, dead last, what a bunch of fuckin' haters." Little
Rickky is still nursing the sting, He'll be fine.
The Mez' stang is a two door, yep, a two door.
Sorry about the lag in The Fuckin' Book Club. My Little Dumpling read
his chapters but he's been a busy little dumpling so he hasn't had time
to tell me and Carnahan where we're at with Burt. I know, I know, just
WEDNESDAY, SEPT 1, 2004
No Laker updates because it's the off season. It's true, the Lakers
aren't playing right now.
The Gav was golfing all day yesterday so he missed the Daily Photo on
The Tap. That's one of the draw backs to being the marketing director
at DVS, sometimes you have to go golf with the bro's. Those golf days
never include the wake team, isn't that weird? They're always trying
to keep the wake team in the closet, so to speak.
Rickk has a new favorite magazine and it isn't the one that starts with
TR and ends with ANSWORLD.
They posted on their website that Girl got last place "despite
getting mohawks" in the KOTR competition. Girl got second place.
If The Tap can afford a fact checker, you guys can afford like 3000.
What do ya say we take a little of that ad revenue and grab ourselves
an 8 dollar an hour fact checker so we, Rickk's co-workers, don't have
to hear about this for the next 3 years. Thanks, guys.
Hime is in a sales meeting, everyone chill out.
I'm over Wake Skating and now just following the DVS Race Team full
time. Look for The Daily Photo of The Gav in a lowered Accord with so
much after market shit on it you'll freak!
Time to go get coffee for the babies in the art department. If they
don't get their coffee they're all cranky. Except for EA who is now
just known as My Little Dumpling.
TUESDAY, AUGUST 31, 2004
Happy Birthday, Rickk!
The Tap is not really known for being sexy but The Mez has spiced things
up a little with a flashy black Mustang with a speed fin. I think he
might be able to get a cologne endorsement soon but most important is
that I know The Gav will put him on the DVS race team.
Trend Forecasters spend most of their times at trade shows. That's fucking
Sean Cliver has a book coming out and Sanger wrote about what it's about
and where you can find out more about it and even get a signed copy
but I thought their was something else you should know about Sean that
might make you want to buy three copies of his book. One night we were
out drinking and Sean was being his usual inverted needy self. There
was a guy in the bar we were in that was getting all the attention from
the ladies. When we were leaving the bar, I stopped the guy and told
him since he was getting so much action in his white button up shirt,
could we buy it off him because Sean needed all the help he could get.
We paid $50 for the shirt and Sean went on in life to meet a wonderful
girl and get married.
You really can put a price on love.
Gotta go, we're having a "smart meeting."
MONDAY, AUGUST 30, 2004
The Olympic's are over. The Jenkins family were popping popcorn every
night and watching every event. Doesn't seem like Andy should be friends
with us, such a model citizen with such an upstanding family.
I really want to put this whole Rickk/Bird thing behind us but you know
these two, as hard as I try they just won't quit.
So Bird called me after he saw what Rickk said and he said, "Tell
Rickk I'm only 34." So I did that because he asked me too and not
to start shit or anything and Rickk said, "I know how old he is,
I was referring to what he'll be doing when he IS 40." I didn't
know Rickk was psychic so I was pretty stoked on that. And that's where
We're still waiting on the results from the big wakeskate contest. How
long do those things last, three weeks? Pick a winner already before
I drive to that damn thing and win it. I did get a copy of "Relentless."
the new wake skate release from Liquid Force. The motto of the video
is "The Life we Live, The Fun We Have, The Places We Go, The Riding
We do." What? That sounds like a cheer we used to do on our way
back form drill team competitions when I was 14. The Gav, as marketing
director for DVS, should help them with stuff like that so people don't
end up thinking that wake skating is gay.
Here's a short list of people not coming to The Ringer's 500 Post Bash:
I have to go, my drink is ready.
FRIDAY, AUGUST 27, 2004
Did you check the DVS Wake site today? There's a post there that says
there wake team doesn't get laid. That has to be bullshit. How can you
be a full grown man wearing a tight black jumper that zips up the back
that only small children should wear when they go trick or treating
as a cat and not get lucky? You guys are such jokers. AND, you've got
a board strapped to your feet and you're doing all sorts of fancy tricks
in the water, you're getting so laid.
Everyone's down for the trend forecaster until he needs a ride from
the train and then, not so much.
But remember folks, Buscemi is just like the rest of us, he puts his
pants on one stone washed over dyed distressed denim leg at a time.
The Bird/Rickk war of words has actually gotten ugly. When Rickk first
heard that Bird said he couldn't dance, he just called him a dick. Then
he had a few days to think about it and said, "Bird didn't really
say that about me, right?". I don't want Rickk to think Bird thinks
he CAN dance so I say, in a very innocent passive way, "he fucking
So Rickk said, "well at least I'm not 40 and still going to clubs"
and I said, "Rickk, I can't put that on Crail" and he said,
"you have to." I'll keep you posted.
Mez, I checked your office and not only has it not been tampered with,
there are all sorts of gifts and cards from all your co-workers. And
someone painted a special mural on one of your walls. And the cleaning
people vacuumed. Come back, let's start over.
THURSDAY, AUGUST 26, 2004
Is it lame to listen to Social Distortion and Beyonce while you're on
the Stairmaster at Golds? I didn't think so.
I have a great X-rated story about Greek lust and three girls with one
guy but I can't tell it. Yet. Bird, being the cautious careful one that
he is when it comes to repeating things gave me the advice of "Green
Light" when I asked for his opinion on putting the story on Crail.
Yeah, I go to Bird for advice, so what?
Since you're already cruising around on the web, check out the DVS wake
section of the DVS site. Some awesome links and the results of some
fiasco of a contest on some lake with the B-team. I have it book marked
on my computer, you should do the same. The Gav, still marketing director
It was my turn to read from My Life by Burt Reynolds. What a dick! The
entire chapter was three pages! He talked about how his dad came home
from WW2 and his mom put on her best blue dress and went outside and
he watched them kiss from the window. Yeah, a whole chapter with that
much information in it. The book is 52 chapters. Burt, you're not Winston
Churchill, there are not 52 chapters of your life.
It's EA's turn to read, I'll let you know.
Once when Bob K worked here, he had to go shoot a photo or something
and while he was gone, someone taped his phone receiver to the phone
and taped his stapler and tape dispenser to his desk. He sent me an
email telling me how rad people are. Since I am a big fan of man kind,
we shared quite a chuckle talking about what dicks people are.
I don't know if Bob ever told me exactly who did that but if you're
reading this and you're that person, The Mez is gone for more then just
a few hours.......
Rickk's response to Bird's shit talking his talents on the dance floor:
"Bird's a dick". Bird? Anything you want to tell the guy you
claim has two left feet?
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 25, 2004
EA, Carnahan and myself started The Fucking Book Club (we were going
to name it The Average Book Club but we thought Ty wouldn't like that
name and he'd vibe us when he got back). Each person reads a chapter
then hands the book off to the next club member. Our first book is "My
Life" by Burt Reynolds.
EA read chapter one. He told us that Burt seems like a jack off and
he brags about how great his genes are and what a strapping man his
father was but he can't seem to get anyone pregnant. Eric thinks Burt
is impotent or sterile. EA also told us that Burt accuses Loni of humping
everything that moved when they were married.
Carnahan read chapter two last night. He said Burt is becoming more
of an asshole with each passing page. Burt claims his mom had him at
home so she could have complete control. His father was in WW2 and Burt
spent those days "frolicking in the woods." We also learned
that while his mom and sisters did all the chores, Burt didn't lift
Chapter three tomorrow.
The wakeboarders are sort of sensitive. I guess they want it called
wakeskating, not wakeboarding. You can call it whatever you want, it's
still water skiing with a little flair. But don't get me wrong, I like
it. I tried it once in Mount Shasta, when it was still called water
skiing but it was before you could get all these sponsors so I was just
amateur. I'm sure if I went now I'd be on DVS with T-Storm or Thunder
Dog or whatever his name is.
I actually think I am on DVS, I have like 48 pairs of their flip flops.
Ok, where was I? So I think the water ski dudes that are trying to be
called wakeskaters really do have to start going to antique shops and
getting old treasure maps and then going to wakeskate the sunken ships
and stuff. Too bad they got most of the Titanic out, T-Storm would be
king of the world if he could shred that ship.
Someone told Bird that Rickk can't do the hoola hoop and Bird said,
"makes sense, I've seen that guy on the dance floor." It's
about to get real ugly, real quick.
The guy that never has his shirt on while on the dance floor just called
you out, Rickk.
Time to go party.
TUESDAY, AUGUST 24, 2004
No Laker news. Maybe Frosty can sit in for The Randomer again and bring
Speaking of the Randomer, which do you think is sketchier? Being put
on blast on The Tap when you're out of town or getting laid off and
coming back in town to an empty office? I guess it all depends.
The Gav went and saw that new movie Open Water and then went home and
searched the internet for more information on the whole mystery. What's
wrong with that? He's the head of marketing at DVS and they have a wakeboard
team, he has to know what's going on in the world of water.
Since wakeboarding is my new favorite Action Sport, I'm currently working
on a proposal to try and get the wakeboarders to shake the spring suit
and just wear trunks. Nothing says, "look how small the cold water
makes my package" like a spring suit.
Did you hear that Sole Tech is buying The Hime a $500,000 motor home?
Last but not least, my favorite Vice President has a birthday today.
Happy Birthday, Mikey! And may the apple fairy make all your wishes
MONDAY, AUGUST 23, 2004
No Laker news but isn't it hot how Frosty sits in as guest editor for
the Randomer and tries to be the guest editor for Ring Ring Ring? The
Randomer hates the Lakers and he hangs out with known haters. Nice work,
Eric. Why didn't you see if you can sing the National Anthem for Detroit
at the season opener.
Is it better to be a Faker or a Hater? Buscemi?
In DVS news, there's a big wakeboard contest going on somewhere and
DVS sponsors some guy named Thomas Horrell that they call T-storms.
Lakai is so asleep at the wheel! Why are you letting DVS take all the
good nicknames? We could have totally been calling Mikey something like
M-nado this whole time and god only knows what that would have done
for sales. And why doesn't Lakai have a wakeboard team? I'll ask The
Gav, Marketing Director at DVS, just to be sure but wakerboarding is
INSPIRED BY SKATEBOARDING. Haven't you seen the fake hand rails they
set up in the water?
If wakeboarders were really "street" or I guess for them it
would be "lake", they would slide down the sides of sunken
ships or grind across buoys, right? Or maybe wrong.
In our art department meeting today we learned what a "kill fee"
is on a contract. Eric Anthony told us that he has a sort of "social
kill fee." If he buys you three drinks, you're going to third base
with him even if you decide he's a dick. Jenkins also told us what he
learned about not having a "kill fee" in a contract and that
is that art is dumb and motocross is sick.
The janitorial service that comes to Girl each week asked today if the
boys could flush when they take a crap. I guess they're busy. You know
when you're in a huge hurry and you have to push that handle down, totally
throws off the entire day.
FRIDAY, AUGUST 20, 2004
No Laker news today but we do have some Celtic news. Skateboarder Ben
(Ben Colen but now he has a Crail nickname) was really happy that The
Glove was going to the Celtics and then he got sad that GP wouldn't
show up for his physical because he wants to be a Laker, not a Celtic.
I told Ben not to worry that Gary sucked all season as a Laker and I'd
hate to see him go to Boston and do the same there. Then Ben picked
up his board and grip tape that I think he had just stolen from our
warehouse and left.
The Gav is the marketing director at DVS, not Tim Gavin. So if The Gav
could give us some confirmation as to whether or not Alien Ant Farm
is bringing in the right customers to DVS that would be awesome.
Today's Honourary Crail Canadian is the Canadian girl that Hime once
humped. (That was funny to two people which isn't so bad when you consider
that most of the time this column is funny to one person).
Got word from Smyth that he can not fire Fifer because he doesn't pay
him, but that he would be willing to give him the title of Assistant
If you're name is Jeff, can you send us a picture of yourself, your
full name and a small paragraph telling us your thoughts on weed. And
THURSDAY, AUGUST 19, 2004
Is it wrong to cry during the men's gymnastics competition in the Olympic's?
It felt wrong.
Timmy, can you call me and let me know how the DVS race team is doing,
how the DVS wake team is doing, what Butter magazine is and has the
DVS wake team ever been in Butter magazine? Thanks, Tim Gavin, director
of marketing at DVS.
Crankers, send the contract, you're not trying very hard.
Any ladies interested in Bird need to know that if you have previously
been with anyone on the Lakai team, he'll make out with you but he won't
get serious with you. If you've been with Mikey BUTT only did the apple
trick, Bird will still consider a long term relationship with you.
Raymond has been bitten by the wine fly and is now part of Team Purple
Gums with Rickk and MJ. Congratulations!
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 18, 2004
The USA men's basketball team decided to actually try in the game last
night. Must not have been any ragers going on in Athens.
I watched the MTV Beach House show last night and I really don't think
companies need to be hiring trend forecasters. Just watch that show,
I guess at some point, after Meza is done going through our photo archives
and only using pictures that he's in for the Daily Photo, he'll be posting
some sort of a Phish update form The Gav, Hime and Rudy's wild adventure.
The Gav sent over some photos and the most exciting one is Hime smoking
a cigarette. Looks like it was a real earth moving weekend. Stay tuned
Watched a lot of good TV last night. On that show Big Brother, one of
the contestants said, "I'm out for twin blood, those bitches better
watch their back". Do you think anyone has ever said that about
Ako and Atiba? Did you know someone told me the other day that Atiba
is actually the nicer twin? That's what I was told. All these years
I thought it was Ako.
Ever make blended margaritas all by yourself? It makes you feel like
the biggest stroke. All the sudden you're done making fruity drinks
(Oh, did I mention they were peach margaritas?) and you're all alone
on the couch and you start to reflect on the direction your life has
turned and all the sudden you're salty tears are falling in your margarita.
Spike has mono and insomnia. He's fucked.
TUESDAY, AUGUST 17, 2004
Psych, looked like there was an update but really there isn't.
MONDAY, AUGUST 16, 2004
I'm a Laker
Can someone forward me a copy of Smyth's Vending Machine Inc hand book?
How does it work with his staff? If I fire Fifer, does he still show
up here and stock the machine when Sam goes out of town? If I fire Sam,
does Fifer go to Sam's new job to stock the snack machine? And lastly,
can Sam fire Fifer if there are 5 empty slots in the snack machine?
I just learned the "don't tell anyone" lesson again. That
lesson is great every time.
Nick and Greg will be moving into their love palace this week. Stay
tuned for silk bed spreads, curtains, sheets, couches, boxers, dish
towels, table clothes and robes.
I have to go, I just got sort of nauseous.
THURSDAY, AUGUST 12, 2004
A quick Congratulations
to The Hime who is now doing well enough to have haters. We all knew
after getting an assistant that it wouldn't be long before he had some.
He's had second hand haters for a while, but now he has his own. Congrats,
The cool thing
about haters is that it works in a cycle and what's cool to hate today
isn't necessarily hated two months from now.
If you happen
to have disturbing photos of Bird in a closed eye make out, please keep
them. Although they are great material for The Tap and a real favorite
of visitors to the site, they are very very gross to see if you later
have to talk to Bird about tours or advertising budgets or anything
With that said,
stay tuned for our contest where you get to guess what Bird is thinking
in an upcoming photo of him in a closed eye make out.
Misato let us know today that until recently, she thought the eskimo
on the Alaska Airlines plane was Bob Marley. OK.
There's a big
hurricane about to hit Florida.
The Gav, The
Hime and Rudy have set sail for their final Phish concert. I think we'll
have a feature on it because The Gav left a message saying, "can
we please please get this last Phish show on Crail"?
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 11, 2004
Now that I know there might be a party for me soon, I'm totally into this column and I'm not going to bum anyone out either with my cynical crappy attitude that sends a bad message to the kids of the world that life gets really tough as you get older and you never know how cool it is to be a kid until you're saddled with a shit load of responsibilities. Yeah, the new me will really entertain you.
I had another "technically" item to tell you about Mikey but Bird bit my piece for the Lakai site. I guess we're even from that time that Bird told everyone and their brother that Chocolate stole a Lakai design with two crossed guitars.
So, if you want to know about Mikey from now on, just check the Lakai site.
Sam left on a tour for almost three weeks and left an unlocked box of chips on the top of the vending machine. Very careless business decision. No one knows. I mean no one knew, when they read this they will all be gathered around for free chips. Thanks Sammy!
I'm waiting for Buscemi to get back to let me know if "links" are cool. Not sausage links, I know he thinks those are cool. Links to other people's sites. Sometimes they seem like little mini shout outs and other times they seem like "hey, i'm cool and look what I'm into to prove it". The big link debate. Be a part of it before it passes you by.
Sorry to everyone in Buffalo that I bummed out. I just want you to know that one guy in Buffalo contacted me and he was stoked to be a part of Canada. (Aren't we all?). But I want to keep Buffalo now because at the advice of one of The Tap loyal fans who called me something that rhymes with BRASS POLE sent me a link of all the wonderful things in Buffalo. I didn't know they had a zoo! I'm all for keeping Buffalo now. I might even go there. Not really, I would never go there.
TUESDAY, AUGUST 10, 2004
MONDAY, AUGUST 9, 2004
Crail Tap,The Magazine. Yep.
A while back I suggested that we give Buffalo, New York to Canada. The Buffalo Bills are sort of a disgrace and it's so cold there, it makes more sense for it to be part of Canada. We really just don't need it and we could make it a win win situation so easily by telling Canada it was a gift. They're a nice country of people and they wouldn't get all suspicious.
Anyway, I didn't have time to see that through but now I have decided that we need to give Florida to Cuba. Really. The rawest people come out of Florida, that's where that one guys from that had a wetsuit and a mask on in the very bottom of an outhouse so he could see people crap. But more recently someone killed a whole family over an X-Box. They're making all of us look bad. And my neighbor is from Florida and he always says things like "Beer Me" and "I think I need to ice my hand with a cold beer". Florida needs to go. Fidel Castro is going to be way more suspicious of us so it's going to be a lot harder then the Buffalo thing. He's not nice, like Canada.
A lot of lame asses are from Florida so it would be cool if they had to go back to see their families on a raft. Or is that just when you're coming this way from Cuba? Either way, that's what I have in the works and I'll let you know what I get accomplished.
In case you're buying anything this week on Ebay, if it says MEDIUM, it means MEDIUM SIZE BABY WHALE.
Torrance has this cool new little trend going on where girls have license plate frames that say "My other ride is your boyfriend". Yep, it's trendy to be a skank.
Technically Mikey is in town but not really. But he's sort of in Napa but he can skate. Got that?
FRIDAY, AUGUST 6, 2004
Well, we almost got Doug Christy, we got some weirdos from Boston.
Meza wanted me to remind everyone to go to EXPN and vote for your favorite moment of the Top 10 moments in X-Games history. His favorite is that inline vert skater that did the first ever backflip. I know, I know, he has his own column but he's shy and sometimes I just like to help.
Ty went to get his teeth cleaned. I wonder if he wears a shirt to the dentist.
We're still working on our first A LITTLE REP IN YOUR STEP feature. We need to make a correction to The Hime's sub reps name, it's spelled Shawn, not Sean. You know what the name Shawn means? It means "God is Gracious." Hime, you little devil.
I have to go get my company under control.
THURSDAY, AUGUST 5, 2004
Jason Kidd might be a Laker soon. I guess nothing really matters now that Vlade is a Laker. We should just see if Doug Christy wants to be a Laker. Let's have the entire team make no sense at all.
We will have a new feature soon in this column, it's called A LITTLE REP IN YOUR STEP. It's a small profile of some of the more special reps in "the industry". Stay tuned for a look into Sean, he's The Hime's sub-rep. And kids, remember, we're all sub-reps in the big scheme of things.
Do you know what the X-Games are like for The Gav? It's a three day triple book. Hang in there, Timmy, you can relax with some Cheetos and a corn dog on Sunday.
In keeping with the tradition of Baltimore family members working at Girl, Megan's 4th family member was fired this morning for fist fighting in the warehouse. Pretty proud to have that Baltimore crest on the wall at the house.
The Skateboard Mag has a new contest up on their site, go check it out!
Crankers is a pretty cool guest to have over for a few days. Just hangs around, keeps his sleeping quarters clean and watches the Tivo'd episode of S.K.A.T.E he starred in.
Sorry about that comment I made that we have to field a lot of comments of people telling us that Bird is an asshole. A lot of people just say he "seems like an asshole". That's different then saying he is an asshole and I shouldn't have characterized it like that. The bottom line is I was wrong and Bird does seem like an asshole.
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 4, 2004
Italy beat the USA in basketball at the Olympics yesterday. Go Italy!
NAFA (National Association of Fat Acceptance) is having it's annual meeting this month. I guess they are trying to get obesity more accepted. The head of NAFA said that by the year 2010, stomach stapling will be looked back on like a labotomy. Sure it will. And when you show before and after pictures to people of that chick from Wilson Phillips I'm sure everyone will note how much more awesome she looked when she was the size of a small whale with a fitted bed sheet on.
I've been watching a lot of Poker on ESPN and I think that Frosty should do that thing that those guys do with their sunglasses when he skates at the X-Games. He can fake the other skaters out that he has a bunch of scary tricks up his sleeve because they won't be able to see his eyes and know if he's bluffing. I notice they wear the sunglasses upside down so do that too, Eric. Good thing I'm here with advice like this, I'm like a secret weapon.
Shout out to Jim with the awesome yahoo account name. Send hate mail for The Skateboard Mag to them, not us. We have all our own haters to deal with plus we have extra duties listening to everyone that meets Bird tell us what an asshole he is. Cut us some slack.
I keep getting cramps in my calf so I have to go walk around. Sorry that I have to cut the column short since it is so great and all.
TUESDAY, AUGUST 3, 2004
I keep forgetting Vlade's a Laker. Pretty awesome stuff.
The Miss America Pageant took the talent part out of the competition for this years contest. That sucks, right? Those girls are always so talented to watch. What a bummer. I guess I have to go hang out at the pier this weekend to get my fill of half ass hacky sack looking crap.
I better think of something positive to write about, those last two things were sort of negative and I think we're trying not to be like that anymore. Better do a Ringer Word Association with someone. Let me buzz Larson, hang on, OK:
San Diego : Cool
Art shows : Shit
Australia : Love it
Long Beach : Yes
EA and Carnahan : Drunk
Trade Shows : Fucked
Strippers : Yes
Catalogs : What?
Cigarettes : I need one
Speed Boats : Death
Jet Skis : Fun
Gavin : Ruler
I guess he didn't really make my column more positive but at least he made it seem more intellectual.
Speaking of intellectual, back to 99% Gav tomorrow.
Here's people not to ask if they like your hair cut;
You know what we found out is in, from hanging out with a trend forecaster: starting shit with people at bars. Yeah, being a dick is the new cool.
SUNDAY, AUGUST 1, 2004
The last thing I remember is The Gav asking "Cab or Merlot" and now I have a migraine.
See you Monday.
THURSDAY, JULY 29, 2004
Thursday is now officially Jenkins "party night". No, that's not a typo, it says JENKINS.
EA (Eric Anthony) and Carnahan were so moved by Greg and Diamond Nick buying a house together that they are doing the same. There will be some subtle differences. For instance, where Greg and Nick have a 6 foot black porcelain panther, EA and Carnahan will have a rusty keg.
Ty never sends an e-mail with less then 4 exclamation points!!!!
The Mez is one step ahead of even the most skilled trend forecasters. He's wearing post it notes on his t-shirt! Buscemi hasn't even heard of that style.
Quick Interview with The Gav:
The Ringer: Are there any girl wakerboarders on the DVS wake team?
The Gav: No, not yet
Look how much you learned in just one question.
I have to go, I have a photo shoot.
WEDNESDAY, JULY 28, 2004
I got an e-mail from a Piston fan asking me if I had heard that song that Queen wrote for Detroit, it's called "We are the Champions." That's funny stuff, have you heard the one that Fleetwood Mac wrote for you personally called "The Chain?"
His P.S. was the only accurate thing in the e-mail, it said, "you probably don't skate and like guys." Got me there.
Yesterday was Hime's birthday. He golfed and went to dinner and then got drunk. When he drinks, at the end of the night, he goes to Del Taco and then takes all the wrappers from his food home and sleeps naked on them. It's sort of like Mikey's apple trick only he does it alone. And with no apples. I guess I'm just trying to say that it's sort of creepy. Like Mikey.
At the end of every e-mail The Gregulator sends out, there's this long thing saying how you can get in all sorts of trouble if you forward the e-mail or share it with anyone. Or if you get it by mistake you have to send it back to him and promise not to tell anyone what it said. It doesn't scare me, I forward his e-mails all the time. Even if they have tons of information in them. Yesterday he sent me his forecasts for some board production, I totally forwarded it and didn't even flinch. I guess I'm sort of a bad ass.
Raymond's not skeered to travel solo with Bird. Right. That's what everyone says until Bird's the last guy on the dance floor with is shirt off and sweat streaming down his cheeks. Careful, Raymond.
Bird's back from France today so I'll get a little tour planned for the both of you.
TUESDAY, JULY 27, 2004
What about that ad Shaq took out in the LA Times? He's the best guy in the world, that's good that he'll help Miami finally get a ring. And Pat Riley needs more rings. And Shaq deserves more rings so it all works out.
I heart the Heat.
Ako quit smoking. Cigarettes.
The Mez just didn't show up to work today. He's fired. Mez, I'll send you your shit, take it easy.
Today's Honourary Crail Canadian is your mom.
Raymond is a shithead. He never updates his column and when he does it's to make some huge announcement that he's back and better then ever. Raymond, you shit filled crap talker, you're better then NEVER. You have a week to update your column on a regular basis or we ban you from The Tap and you are only ever allowed to travel solo with Bird. Yeah, that's right, BIRD! And he won't put up with your baby antics.
I have to go, I have a bunch of presents to open.
MONDAY, JULY 26, 2004
Two big large thumbs up to the winners that like to approach Laker fans and say things like, "what's up with your Lakers?". Nice work, dumb shits. Keep up the good work.
The Hime is looking for a new best friend. His old one is getting married.
Here's what he's looking for:
1. Company Credit Card is a must
2. Decent golfer (but not better then me)
3. Like to get me black out drunk and cover the tab
4. Able to get the DVS bro forms at all times
5. You must be a little heavy set to help me stay looking skinny
6. Have Laker season seats that you don't ever use
7. It's also good if you know all the bouncers in LA so I can still carry on #3
Don't forget to register to vote so, watch the Democratic Convention tonight, all that confetti just makes you want to vote.
MONDAY, JULY 19, 2004
First The Gav gets engaged and then the Lakers sign Vlade? Is someone playing some sick joke on The Hime?
We will be taking a four day moment of silence for all parties.
FRIDAY, JULY 16, 2004
Cool, we got Kobe! I love cheering for egomaniacal selfish athletes, so fun.
More about Rickk, Hime and Tim on Monday. Notice how Mikey totally fell off?
THURSDAY, JULY 15, 2004
Got a bunch of Laker stuff you can be looking for soon on Ebay, I'll keep you posted.
Diamond Nick likes to read the newest issues of Transworld laying on his side on the pool table. It's really hot if you're into that type of thing. And if you're not into that type of thing, it's pretty disturbing.
MJ's on the cover of the new issue so you know what that means? It's our favorite magazine this month.
On The Hime and Rickk's corn rows, both of them have confirmed that they were on dry spells and the braids got them laid. Who would have thought? (I can't wait to see Diamond Nick with corn rows tomorrow. Can you corn row that weird spray on hair?).
The Hime wasn't into The Gav's word association so we did a new RWA with The Gav:
HIME: His name is Jim
(Should have stuck with the first one, Hime).
Today's RWA is with THE HIME:
Kobe : Sucks
Shaq : Miss him
Corn Rows : laid
Phish : Mercury
The Gav : Decent Times
Girls : Amazing
Golf : Amazing
Frosty : Mulligan
Von Zipper : Hilarious
Mom : Religious
Repping : dollar bills
Switzerland : blonde chicks
Section 105 : vacant
One Life to Live : days of our lives
Skateboarding : pays the bills
DVS : fired me
Emerica : hired me
Closed eye make outs : black out drunk
New York : hot chicks
Sometimes I think this column is a little "Gav, Hime, Rickk" heavy but I know it isn't because that would mean I was not a good columnist and that is just ridiculous.
WEDNESDAY, JULY 14, 2004
I hate the Lakers too now, can we be friends?
Anne Huf and Diana Meza will be meeting this week in Vegas for a nail polish convention. I think that's pretty cool that next weekend when anyone asks Huf or The Mez where their wives are, they can say, "oh, at a nail polish convention." Maybe not. A lot of my ideas seem good as I type them and then as they appear on the page they truly suck.
Anne and I were buddies until I found out she wore the same dress to two weddings in a row. Um, Buscemi, can you break this fashion no-no down for her? Please?
No feedback from any of you on The Hime or Rickk having corn rows? They had corn rows, both of them, anyone?
The RWA (Ringer Word Association) is back. And of course, it's The Gav!
SIMA : offshore
neighbors : white wine
Blue Water Grill : best crab legs ever
color ways : pain in the ass
pro skaters : washed up
Rick Howard : Good times
Mike Carroll : what's behind his ear?
sweating : food
plaid shorts : awesome
marketing : awesome
Golds Gym : Megan Baltimore
cigarettes : cool
exhaust system : extra cool
Pitcher House : shuffle board and lemon drops
James Lipton : Jon Buscemi
Arizona : Hide a dook
Phish : FUCKING BEST BAND EVER
The Hime : Good times
Gotta go, we're celebrating Carnahan's 25th birthday, he's worked at Girl for 14 years now. Got him right out of 5th grade!
TUESDAY, JULY 13, 2004
Oh my god, it's the off season, stop with the mail or I'm going to post your email address up here. I hope the battery dies in your car and when the tow truck comes to help you, I hope the driver gives you air born herpes.
For any of you that might be traveling to Italy or may have friends here from Italy, there's a new form of greeting you might want to try. It starts out with the American person thinking you're going to hug but the Italian thinks you're going to shake hands. So after the hug, the Italian gets all Euro and does the double sided kiss. The American is all awkward and ends up kissing the side of his face and his mustache.
I tried it with Larson's friend, it's really great.
Today's Honourary Crail Canadian is The Mez. He's in Canada right now being lazy and hasn't sent anything into us. Oh well, when in Rome....(This column is so Italian today).
Welcome to The Tap, Mez, how about we do our jobs?
The Gav is back. His parents have been shipped back to AZ and he's ready for crab legs at Blue Water Grill. I think he'll probably have his family back out again in about, oh, 8 or 9 years.
What on God's green earth do you people not get about trendforecasting? I've already told you not just any one can do this. Trendforecasters are born with a gift, a sort of phenomena where they sense non physical things. For instance, Buscemi saw truckers in his mind back in '99.
I'm not going to keep breaking this down for you. I actually might but it's fun to say I won't.
Scratch that promise of seeing a photo of Anne Huf with a bear. Instead you'll be seeing a photo of her with a Mint Julep in one hand and a race card in the other. I'll keep you posted.
Time to get back to sweating the small stuff.
MONDAY, JULY 12, 2004
Ok, I'm confused, I get mail all year telling me that Shaq sucks and now that he's leaving you're sending me email saying "you're so bumming". I thought he sucked? Aren't we so stoking? Write again and let me know.
Oh, and I hate you.
So I patched things up with Bird. It was emotional and touching and I guess we're friends for life. We actually saw each other in a Sushi Bar and looked the other way, didn't even say hi. I know he went home and cried that night. That's why I gave him the premier version of RINGER WORD ASSOCIATION. Here is it the first RWA with Kelly Bird:
LAKAI : OR DIE
GIRLS : RAD
ADVERTISING : HYPER
LA : BEST GIRLS EVER
THE GAV : PARTY
TRENFORECASTING : SO HOT RIGHT NOW
TRADE SHOWS : MY LIFE
RETARDED : TRADE SHOWS
RICKK : JET SKIIS
MIKEY : PILATES
MJ : MANIC
MUELLER : THE MAN
SPROUT : ENTERTAINMENT
HAIRSTYLES : NEED ONE
IPOD : TOUR
DAVID CROSS : THE BEST
RON BURGUNDY : FANTASTIC
TRUTH : DARE
YAO : TALL
SHAQ : FAT
FOREVER : SKATE
Today's Honourary Crail Canadian is Estella Warren. She was a synchronized swimmer for ten years before she became a super model. Her real dream was to act so she landed a part in Tim Burton's Planet of the Apes where she was totally unbelievable as someone that would love an ape because she was way too hot looking. And her acting sucks. Her nickname is Tellie. Welcome to The Tap, Estella. Good luck with your acting, you're going to need it.
What's the gayest thing that The Hime and Rickk have in common? They've both had corn rows at some point in their life. And not as a joke. Sucks for Hime with the ladies and sucks for Rickk for board sales.
FRIDAY, JULY 09, 2004
I think I might fire the guy in sales that just said, "Shaq's going to Miami".
Today's Honourary Crail Canadian is The Gav. You know all about him, so welcome back to The Tap, Tim. (Tim's about to find out about a very popular American tradition called Popularity Backlash. In Canada, it's called Popularity Backlash).
Just a shout out to 80% of everyone I saw at Disneyland yesterday, hippacks are not for fat people. Wear a backpack if you have a huge gut. A hippack is like a big bright orange arrow pointing at your stomach with a flag hanging off of it that says, "look at this disgusting blubber."
Larson and Rickk are having a contest to see who can get the most parking tickets. Larson is in the lead right now but Rickk still feels he's "soft" because he's never been caught littering. Good luck, guys.
Um, MJ, has Spike called you lately? OK, then. When you call the other three out for not calling you, make sure you include that selfish prick, too.
Camp Whatevs is set for September 10th. MJ has a 20 man tent but does he have a portable shower like Frosty? Does he have a fancy grill like Frosty? Better step it up if you want Mikey in your tent.
THURSDAY, JULY 08, 2004
No more Laker updates, The Mez hates 'em.
Today's Honourary Crail Canadian is The Gav. Weird, right? Tim's favorite part about Canada is the Slam City Jam but the most Canadian part about Tim is that he thinks Smarties are better then M&M's. Welcome to The Tap, Tim.
Did you know that Mihaly and his "posse" are single handedly responsible for all the clubs in North County that "pop off"? Lee Dog knew that.
Lee, Smyth, as a fellow Irishman, wanted to share his sun screen rituals with you:
"On a daily basis when I'm coming to work, I throw on a little Neutrogena 15. If I'm going into direct heavy sun, like the house boat, I put on the strong stuff like Bullfrog 55. When I'm just out skating, I'll throw a 35 on."
The Chinese government has banned the Harry Potter movies from theatre's there so if you were thinking about moving there, there's some more incentive.
I had to go up to the Larson/Carnahan/Abeyta office earlier and I walked in on Tony telling Jeremy about the steamed vegetables and white wine he had for dinner last night. I don't know what's going down in your art department but we're pretty fucking artsy over here.
WEDNESDAY, JULY 07, 2004
On top of everything else we now have Bryan Ferry as the new Lakers coach.
The Mez broke it down for Jenkins and myself as to why taking the drug Ecstasy is so bad for you. In a nut shell, he told us that you only have so many happy cells in your brain. Ecstasy releases them sooner then your body would naturally release them and so you screw up the "happy time release" schedule in your body and end up depressed later in life. As you can see, we didn't hire him for his good looks.
Wanted to give you a DVS Wake Team update but The Gav has family in town and he's on a catalog deadline so that will have to wait. Did you know wake boarders can do tricks on rails that are set up in the water? Well, you do now.
Alaska currently has the most reported cases of chlamydia. Not sure what else to add to that. Maybe it's enough to stand on it's own. Let me know.
If Bianca doesn't find out by Friday that her baby is still alive and that Bess is her baby, I'm boycotting All My Children. No, I'm serious, that isn't just an empty threat.
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