ENTRY #457
TUESDAY, JULY 06, 2004

We didn't get a chance to formally introduce him as the Editor of The Tap because we were aiming to make The Tap a community project here at Crail headquarters (except when Nick has an idea). But as you can see with his pulling bans off people without a board meeting and then posting photos of people's balls, The Mez has clearly appointed himself The Chief.

In honor of that I am stealing his "mini Top 5's with...." feature. He'll get over it, every other feature he ever came up with got ripped off and he didn't let that stop him.
TOP 5 Sky Shredding Titles for Ty's first release:
1. Shred 'Em High
2. Shred on This
3. Sky's The Limit
4. Yeah Sky
5. Sky Evans

ONLY 5 things Rick and Mike are ever doing if you speak to them in the hotel room on the road:
1. Stretching
2. Getting ready to stretch
3. About to go eat
4. Resting from stretching
5. Talking about stretching

On Sunday, I was putting a bunch of stuff in my car and I set my drink on the roof of the car and when I drove away it rolled down my car and splashed all over the car behind me. So the guy in that car pulled up next to me and goes, "What the fuck is your problem"?. I can see how frustrating it would be to have peach smoothie all over your 280Z because those things are pretty rare. I was sort of embarrassed and just looked at him and so he asked again, "What the fuck is wrong with you"?

So I said, "I smoked a bunch of pot in the late 80's and now my short term is pretty much gone". For someone that asked twice he wasn't very polite about letting me get my explanation out. He did the total stoner flip off, where you make your middle finger really pronounced and just floored it. I was pretty impressed with the power the car seem to have, he pulled away really fast. Maybe he put a new engine in it or rebuilt the original one.
Either way, there are a lot of dicks in Palm Desert.

Last night I got to see how it feels to be The Gav for a moment. I meant to say "elusive" but I accidentally said "illusion". The only difference is, Tim does it sober.


ENTRY #456
FRIDAY, JULY 02, 2004

Sorry about saying this column was going to be great yesterday and then it sucked. But you sort of knew it would suck, right?

The Gav's parents are in town this weekend and he's taking them to Disneyland for the 4th of July. That place is so insane on the 4th. One time my sister and I went on the 4th and we snuck a six pack of Corona in there and ended up being part of some parade. I don't think Tim's parents will be down for that, they like to keep it mellow. Probably just cruise around and watch Tim sweat.

We got a Sky Shredding team together. They're called RIP CORD. They rip, as you can imagine.

Trend Forecast for they day: Ego's, totally in style.

It would be fun to be Raymond and just not update my column for a month. Hey, Shitcake, post a photo or something or Rickk is going to fly to SF and kick the crap out of you.


ENTRY #456

Looks like the Lakers are back on track for another ring with that 27th draft pick. Sasha Vujacic is the guy, he's 20 years old and from Slovenia. Never went to college, averaged about 10 points a game in some league where I could probably average 18 points a game, pretty awesome little record. I wonder if Pat Riley trade marked the phrase NO-PEAT?

Happy BC Day. We'd celebrate it but Rick went to Canada to celebrate it so now we just have to pretend like we are. If he calls we just turn the Rush CD up and start saying "eh" a lot. Pretty easy to amuse the guy.

You know how I get a lot of hate mail? Well, I know it's hard to believe but I really do. Someone sent me a nasty e-mail saying that "trend forecasters are totally gay" and asking "what is so special about them". Duh, stupid e-mailer! They're psychic! How do you think it's possible for them to know before anyone else what is going to be cool? Are you psychic? I didn't think so. Can you tell a shoe company what colors of suede are in for 2006? Ok then.

Ok, time to get back to taking care of all the gentle little egos that need a lof of TLC. Taking care of gentle little egos is a full time job, you have to be very careful with all the gentle little egos. Mikey's out of town so that's one less gentle little ego to take care of.


ENTRY #455

There's a lot less wine at Spike's house from what I can remember.
Come back tomorrow, this column will be really great.


ENTRY #454
TUESDAY, JUNE 29, 2004

Hard to get through a column these days without upsetting someone. An angry Cure fan explained to me that Robert Smith is not known for his beauty and was being recognized for his musical talent. Isn't that what I said? I said he got a star on Hollywood's Rock Walk and he looked like some sketchy drag queen.
No one ever writes me and says, "Nice point you made yesterday about such and such...". Why is that?

I wish Marshall Applegate was still around to explain things to me, like ad rates and stuff.

ESPN magazine is working on an article on landmarks in LA to coincide with the LA X-Games. They wanted to know how we see ourselves positioned in the world of "Action Sports". Gave 'em Rick's cell phone because I couldn't find that in our files.
Speaking of cool shit, I invented this sport but Spike named it so when it hits the big time, we're splitting the profits. It's sort of like Sky-surfing but you throw a handrail out of the airplane with parachutes on it and then do all kinds of tricks on it. It's called Sky-shredding.

I have to go, just won an auction on Ebay and wouldn't want to drag my feet and end of with negative feedback.

ENTRY #453
MONDAY, JUNE 28, 2004

Just so you know that I am not a bitter person, I thought it was pretty damn funny someone put the new Sports Illustrated on my windshield with Ben Wallace on the cover and the question "HOW BOUT THOSE PISTONS"? You know what wouldn't be funny? If I made up some crazy fake reason and fired the person for doing that.

Speaking of not being funny, this got forwarded to me and I didn't know that Sal B wanted it to go up on The Tap but I guess he did. He's usually funnier then this, like the time he called Mike and Rick a "class act". But here ya' go:

"When the going gets tough, the tough get going. So long Phil Jackson. So long Laker fans. Welcome to the new era of the Los Angeles Bulls. Announcing a special season ticket purchase, buy any LA Clipper season tickets and get LA Bulls season passes for free. Free admission to anyone in a purple, gold and red Von Dutch hat, the new LA Bulls Colors!
More Laker Fan News: The Laker parade was held on Santa Monica Blvd this year. D. Fisher was quoted as saying "the Pistons made us all feel like little bitches, so much it brought out a side of me that was always there and I was trying to hide for so long. That is why it was perfect timing to combine the Laker parade with the gay Pride parade this year. We will keep consistent with this bitch look in out new uniforms as the colors will be none other then those that represent the gay flag, not to mention adding a lof of red, keeping with the theme of The Los Angeles Bulls."

Now everyone knows that at times, Sal isn't funny. And he's inconsistent. First he states that the new LA Bulls colors are purple, gold and red and then he says they're the same colors as the gay pride flag.

The Cure got inducted into the Hollywood Rock Walk. I was sort of stoked until they interviewed Robert Smith and he looks like Liz Taylor now.

Dinner with a Trend Forecaster and all the sudden you know this:
IN: Shuffleboard, Crab Legs, Lemon Drops, Bands where the drummer holds a small lap dog while they drum, dimples on girls lower backs and Dirty martinis.
OUT: People that can't high five and playing guitar with a motorcycle helmut on

Has anyone seen The Gav's gal Kelly pretend she's sad that Phish is breaking up? Can you say Oscar nomination?

ENTRY #452

What up AZ? The fat guy out pitched the thin guy?

I have a feeling that of all the events that The Mez and Kenny have endured sober, Ty's Wild Weekend could be the one that drives one of them to drink. I just don't think Mikey's apple trick is something that you can take without a cocktail or two.
Wouldn't that be funny if The Mez tried beer and just went insane? Just loved it and ended up staying in Vegas and putting it all on red? Kidding, Diana.

Shout out to Raymond, I sent you something, it's something that you can take to a bank and they hand you money once you give it to them. And it isn't your Crail Tap salary check you lagging crap filled cupcake.

Dinner with The Gav and Jonny Trendy tonight! By around 11PM, I'll be able to tell you what's cool in every region of the world as far as color ways go on a limited edition team rider low top in most materials.

ENTRY #451

Total Padres fan again. Before this series against the Diamondbacks, we (that's me and my team) had lost 7 of the 8 games that we played. I was beginning to get scared and then I remembered that all great teams go through rough times when everyone is not in synch and the coach leaves and all the players leave and the GM makes all sorts of stupid comments in public and one of the superstars on the team is being charged with a felony and....ooops, slipped back to another place in time.
Tonight Wellsy goes up against The Rat. Or as I would say if I was not a sports reporter "the fat guy that can pitch pretty good hung over going up against the sketchy looking guy with acne scars".

The plot thickens with "Good Charlotte-gate." I am inclined to believe that Lee would not wear Dickie's shorts with sox pulled up to his knees because he said he didn't and the reason he gave is that he's Irish and his legs would get burned. The Irish in me believed him even though I am also Irish but I'm Lithuanian too so I don't have that light blue skin like most Irish people have. Smyth is my Irish comrade and he never wears shorts. I've seen him wear shorts one time and it was only because he went as Jenkins for Halloween and most of us had to put on blue blockers to avoid burning our pupils.
Ako and Atiba both backed Lee on never wearing shorts but The King of In claimed they simply feared a good head butting if they didn't back him.
Maybe The Trend Forecaster scratched his eye earlier that day reading an issue of Look Look magazine and what he thought were shorts were really long pants that were tie dyed at the knee.
But Jonny Trendy swears he saw a stack of Dickie's shorts at Lee's....in various colors AND basically guaranteed that Lee would come clean.
Now poor little Esco is getting dragged into this and he has no idea.

Speaking of plots, I'm working on a script that is sort of like the movie SPEED but the bus is full of skaters. Won't that be terrific? All that funny dialog?

I think I got our rates down in The Skateborad Mag by getting Mihaly a signed picture of Tanya Harding. She's a celebrity.

Emmet Jenkins is going to Disneyland next week! Let's see if this time we can avoid the kid falling backwards and hitting his head on the concrete while sitting on a rope in a two hour line only to have everyone look at Megan like, "nice parenting." Look, if I hadn't let him have every sugar filled treat that we saw, he might have been a little less hyper and not swinging on the rope. Only 6 churros this time!

ENTRY #450
TUESDAY, JUNE 22, 2004

I don't like the show Sex in The City but I don't sit around sending e-mails to HBO and Sarah Jessica Parkers agent and people like Mikey that love that show telling them that the cast sucks and the dialog sucks and I was so glad when they went off the air. Ya know what I mean..... Haters?

Trend forecasters can get away with wearing pink golf pants because they are basically saying to you, "Hey, this is cool, try it". That's all. And some of us are born trend forecasters and some of us dress like Good Charlotte, we have to deal with the hand we're dealt.
But accusing someone of wearing Dickie's shorts and sox pulled up to their knees if the person never did this is a sin that can not be forgiven. We'll keep you posted as Lee Dog is calling all kinds of bull shit on Captain So Hot RIght Now.

Today I had a heart to heart with Hime and what we came up with in conclusion, he likes to hump girls. A lot.

Gotta go, Mikey needs help with his car insurance.

ENTRY #449
MONDAY, JUNE 21, 2004

This new approach to being a "fan" is pretty awesome. The other day I was listening to the Dodgers and Yankees. Baseball games are so fucking long, fans probably get suicidal when those things go into extra innings. Anyway, I'm obviously a Dodger fan since the day I went and saw Eric throw out the first pitch one game, the excitement surrounding that was enough to make anyone a Dodger fan. So the Yankee/Dodger game just dragged on and on when I realized that "my team" was down by 6. I wasn't even phased! Almost became a Yankee fan in the 7th inning and really couldn't care less, it was great.
This fair weathered fan thing just might be the way of my future.
I also think it helps the sting of "your team" losing to not have a quarter of a million dollars of trinkets, tokens, cardboard cutouts and jersey's for said team in every square inch of your house.

On All My Children the other day, Erica Kane told the story of this Indian tribe that has a ritual of every spring, having the chief burn everything the tribe has that represents any sort of attachment or responsibility to their current state of mind and location and moves on to a new area to live. If you're a Girl employee, keep an eye on the matches next spring because I'm backing this tribe.

There will be no documentation on this site of trend forecasters wearing sandals to bars. We were contacted by the accused trend forecaster and he said the accuser, when he isn't in the LA area, dresses like one of the guys from Good Charlotte. He swore on everything that is hip so we had to believe him. And we had to apologize to him. And he also gave us a free tip on sandals, "you can't go wrong with cork and suede".
Good Charlotte? Dickies to the knees with sox pulled high? Shame on you, Lee.

Today's Honourary Crail Canadian is Rick McCrank. For the 5th time! Welcome back to The Tap, Crankers. So crazy that he's been honoured 5 times, it's like this thing isn't scientific.

Sometime in September you'll be treated to photos of Anne Huf posing with a live bear!

ENTRY #448
FRIDAY, JUNE 18, 2004

Today I'm a Dodgers fan.

You know what is weird, in the Larson/Abeyta/Carnahan office their favorite bands are The Baha Men, Men at Work, Boyz 2 Men and Men Without Hats. I guess it's not that weird.

We have some big news coming soon about a very popular trend forecaster. I guess it hasn't hit the mainstream yet but someone that parties with him is working on documented proof that he rocks man sandals when he goes to the local pub. How did one man get so ahead of the crowd? How?

Blink 182 are total celebrities, I was just kidding yesterday. They're like crazy celebrity status, like Linkin Park or something.

Feel free to contact The Tap regarding "Ty's 2nd Rate Bachelor Party". It's for cheap people (Mez? Spike?) that love Ty but can't justify the expense of "Ako and Atiba's Wild Ty Bachelor Extravaganza".
Here's the details so far: Meet at Girl, we'll set up a pole in the skatepark, get some dancers and two cases of Bud Light, spend the night on the ramps and then go to the beach for two days.

ENTRY #447

I guess I'm a bad luck charm. I decided to go back to being a Padres fan so when I am awake at 4 in the morning, sports radio is a little more interesting and now they are about to get swept by Tampa Bay. Oh well, sorry about that. Maybe I should become a Dave Matthews fan and tank his whole deal, that would rule.

No more sad tilted heads at The Mez. He's about to purchase a home in the rolling hills of Los Angeles. I can't imagine the ragers that are going to go on at that place. First he lands a job where he gets to have lunch with The Gav everyday, now this? Aaron's got an angel watching over him, I just know it.

Just a quick shout out to The Skateboard Mag staff: Don't tell secrets to Anne Huf, especially if the secret is that you consider Blink 182 a celebrity.

A correction from yesterday, Spike is not afraid of strippers, they are afraid of him. Ya know, how he looks all burly and macho? I guess that intimidates them and they can't take their clothes off with grace. Nothing worse then an ungraceful stripper, I think we all agree on that.

Yesterday when I looked at the shows that Tivo recommended to me, I got really sad. But only for a minute. Then I got a beer and watched Blind Date and I felt happy again.

ENTRY #446

I feel comfortable with the prediction of no game 6.

After a brief search for an asshole to replace the guy that was banned, we've decided to not replace the banned asshole and leave him banned. When you really stop and think about it, The Tap is a little "asshole heavy."
Lee Dupont was considering the position but he felt like there was some grey area with people that are assholes and people that can be assholes. Supra Pete was a candidate but has now been banned from The Tap but still remains an asshole.
In a press release, President Rick Howard said, "We feel the ban of The Asshole is a positive move towards the more friendly future of The Tap. I think the current assholes on board are more then enough to represent what we stand for."

Field Tap correspondent, Anne Huf, has been forgiven. Anne took a quick count of her friends, thought about the possibility of being banned from Team Awesome and apologized for her silly remarks about the 3 time World Champion Los Angeles Lakers. The high road is contagious.

Atiba and Ako's bachelor party, I mean Ty's bachelor party is only one week away. Spike is skipping the day in Vegas because he's afraid of strippers. That just means more room for Mikey and his bucket of apples in the front row.
Meza is acting as lifeguard for the two days at the house boat as well as the guy that makes sure Rick doesn't Hot Butter Knife anyone.

Today's Honourary Crail Canadian is Cree Summer. Cree does the voice of several cartoon characters, one of the more known being the voice of a few of the Care Bears. Cree also has three tattoos, one represents herself, one stands for the sound of the universe and the other stand for death. Sounds like a sort of Nine Inch Nails vibe to me. Welcome to The Tap, Cree.

ENTRY #445
TUESDAY, JUNE 15, 2004

Three angry Padres fans contacted me about trying to take the focus off of my sad self by attacking Trevor Hoffman and the Padres. I want to apologize for that and let you know that I was just really sad that the Lakers lost and I got a lot of voice mails and e-mails making fun of my team so I took the low road. I am sincerely sorry about that.
I need to be a bigger person, stay on the high road and remember that you win some and sometimes the officials are working with David Stern to try and get a ring in the east so NBA players will start having more faith in the east so then you lose some, too.

It's hard to tell if Bird is banned from The Tap. I guess I mentioned him yesterday and then he called me and didn't like the company he was lopped in with on The Tap. I really don't know why, Anne Huf is a perfectly nice person who is a little misdirected and cheers for The Warriors because she has issues and is afraid of victory and Supra Pete doesn't drive a mini truck anymore and he got his braces off. Trixie's just an asshole but Bird's of a feather.......

Today's Honourary Crail Canadian is Captain Canuck. Yep, you aren't seeing things, it says Captain Canuck. He's Canada's version of Superman but the kooky thing about him is that all his adventures take place in Canada. Ya' know, like helping a village in Winnipeg because a snow storm came through and stuff. Welcome to The Tap, Superman poser.

ENTRY #444
MONDAY, JUNE 14, 2004

HOLY COMPLETE BLOW IT YESTERDAY! Did you see Trevor Hoffman just throw the entire effort of Wells in the can against the Yankees? That has to suck. The Padres should trade him.

Supra Pete, Anne Huf, Bird and Trixie from Boston, you are all super funny. And smart.

Everyone have an awesome day, I am.

ENTRY #443
FRIDAY, JUNE 11, 2004

Thanks for all the Laker Hater mail, you guys are a fucking riot.

ENTRY #442

I sure hope they play "RIGHT NOW" before the game starts tonight, awesome motivational tool.

You-know-who has been banned from The Tap so I can't talk about him anymore. The Tap bans don't always last. We've banned The Gav a few times but we always let him come back. But that's The Gav, he could probably talk Rick into putting back on Girl if he really tried.
I think this ban is the real thing.
So, basically, I'm looking for a new asshole to talk about. And these are some big shoes to fill.Let me know if you know of anyone that might be a good fit.

Today's Honourary Crail Canadian is Jaime Koeppe. You know, the actress/model/dancer that was on Elimidate and is also the spokes model for the Gambling Federation? Right, that girl. She's a self proclaimed sports nut and in her spare time she is a web designer and fitness trainer. She's listed on a Canadian website as one of the "most famous people in Canada". The internet doesn't lie so welcome to The Tap, Jaime, I'm sure Atiba considers you a star.

Hime watches soap opera's.

ENTRY #441

Got another one of those messages from Supra Pete during the Laker game. He sounded drunk but all I heard was "i can't handle the exclusive distribution of the brands anymore, open up more channels". We're on it, Pete.

BIG correction from yesterday. Bird was not claiming that people think he's an asshole because of Tha Tap. He was just pointing out that people that don't know him are getting a heads up that he is an asshole before they get the chance to discover it for themselves. Thanks for clearing that up, Bird.

Today's Honourary Crail Canadian was going to be SUM 41 but when I went to their website to find out about them I found out that you have to listen to their music while you're on their site. I couldn't take it so the only thing I can tell you is that their motto is "When hell is full, SUM 41 will rock the earth". Sounds good to me.
Welcome to The Tap, SUM 41, I'm sure we'll be seeing you around once DVS sponsors you.

The Hime's mom has now joined Meza's parents in being a regular follower of The Tap. I bet his mom is proud of what an inspiration Hime is to today's youth. It's also awesome that he's still saving himself for marriage and that he hasn't let the crowd he runs with ever pressure him into trying alcohol.

Time to go, I did three sets of Romanian power presses at the gym and I can hardly move.

ENTRY #440

Thanks for all the Laker e-mails. Bird won for "Lamest". Ought to look nice in that "Lame" trophy case of his.
Speaking of Bird, did you know that if it wasn't for Crail Tap, people wouldn't think he was an asshole? Yeah, he told me that last week and I guess I'll take his word for it. The only piece of the puzzle that I'm having a hard time with is the large number of people that thought Bird was an asshole before The Tap was born. Hmm....

We talked to The Mez and he's going to stop using photos of himself for The Daily Photo. He just got a little happy when he got his own cubicle and stuff. It happens.
We didn't ask him to stop using photos of The Gav, though. Today's photo is actually pretty complimentary to the real size of Tim's head, must be the lighting or something, it actually looks normal.

Why is everyone so afraid of our friendship with Von Zipper? Skeered we're going to join powers and start making skate goggles? Is it because we've never been friends with a sunglass company? Or because we don't really have a lot of friends? Do you think no one outside of our company likes us? Well, looks like you were wrong, Bucko!

Today's Honourary Crail Canadian is GT and Hesh. Just kidding, it's the band The Barenaked Ladies. In Canada they're known for being a kooky alternative band that made it big. In the U.S. they're known for some of the worst music and lyrics ever recorded. Welcome to The Tap, fellas.

ENTRY #439
MONDAY, JUNE 7, 2004

Remember when I put that silly post about Detroit being funny? Well, I spoke to soon. The Detroit Tigers actually didn't do that bad this weekend. They won the game on Saturday and lost on Sunday, that's really not that funny at all.

The Doubters, not to be confused with The Haters, keep insisting that we are NOT friends with Von Zipper. As if! How would we know that Snips was sponsored by them if we were totally close with them? I thought so.

Canada spells "humor" with a "u", like this "humour". So many things in this column aren't funny.

I have to go, I'm going bra shopping with The Gav and Diamond Nick. Hopefully neither of them drinks while we're shopping because I won't be able to break them up, they're both like a C cup right now.

ENTRY #438
FRIDAY, JUNE 4, 2004

Detroit? That's funny.

You know what's weird? One of Von Zipper's mottos is "Think in blank and white. Dream in Color". Our Girl motto is "Think in color. Dream in black and white". Weird!

If you haven't already, I recommend going out and getting the BAHA MEN, HOLLA. Track 2 and Track 8 will have you on the dance floor...probably with your shirt off if you really get into it. Or if you're Bird.

No TV last night, just a vegan dinner with the Clivers where I found out that their kid is smart and Jeff is fat. (Tremaine, not you, another Jeff that Sean went to high school with in Wisconsin. Sean said you were in perfect shape, look like you're on Atkins or something).

Did you know that Canadians think that the number one myth about Canada is that they live in igloos? Huh? Maybe if you're 4 years old and the only pictures you ever saw of Canada were Winnepeg in December. Igloos? I thought those were just in cartoons. Maybe not. I mean I know Supra Pete lives in an igloo but I thought that was just because he's hardcore.

Kids, if you have a big bank account, don't become a junky. Actually, don't become a junky even if you're broke. It's really stressful. And dangerous. And not funny.

ENTRY #437

Just waiting for parade day at this point.

Last night I pretended I was hanging out with The Meza's and I watched Most Outrageous Game Show Moments. It was hilarious. I kept imagining The Meza's rolling off the couch when they showed the clips from Family Feud.
Fear Factor wasn't on last night.

How come on Elimidate the contestants always end up drunk on the dance floor with their shirts off at the end of the night? What kind of an asshole takes their shirt off and goes on the dance.....oops sorry, Bird.

Everyone can relax now, we worked everything out with Von Zipper. They thought long and hard about what they almost did and changed their mind. Instead of the stripper they sent some of the purple and gold streamers that fall out of the ceiling of the Staples center when the Lakers win, a foam finger and a Baha Men CD. Not the CD with "Who let the dogs out", the good one that came out after that one.
We're all friends again and if I adopt twins, I'm naming them GT and Hesh. Sort of weird for the kids but sometimes you have to go that extra yard in a friendship.

I accidentally stole the new Usher CD from Target. It was in the cart and I paid for all the other stuff I was buying and forgot to put it on the counter. The security thing didn't beep when I left so I still didn't know until I got to my car. I took it back in what do you know? The security thing is beeping like an A-bomb is about to drop. It's all straightened out now and the CD is super awesome.

ENTRY #436

I guess Kid Rock will be at some of the NBA Finals games in LA. I know someone that has a Kid Rock CD.

Dear Von Zipper,
Word got back to me from an anonymous source that we'll just call The Pumpkin Headed Asian Golfer that in celebration of the Lakers winning the Western Conference Finals, you were planning on sending a stripper my way. I realize that being from Orange County, this is the equivalent of sending a bouquet of flowers but I am allergic to oiled up waxed man thighs as well as testicles shoved in a spandex sack so please think of another way to share the joy of Laker victory with us.
I don't really like lap dances and as Hime always says, "a wasted lap dance is worse then a child going to bed hungry".
Glad we're friends and keep on keeping the sun out of people's eyes,
The Ringer

I watched the Miss Universe Fear Factor last night just so I could feel like I was hanging out with The Meza's. It's weird that they have to have the camera practically up the girls ass to show her balance on a beam 100 feet off the ground. Is there something in your ass that gives you better balance that I don't know about?

Today's Honourary Crail Canadian is Howie Mandel. I don't think he's funny but supposedly he's a comedian. He was on St. Elsewhere for several years and also received an Emmy for his show, Bobby's World. He had a syndicated talk show for a while where he show cased how funny he wasn't. Welcome to The Tap, Howie.

Just in case you ever get a call from Rickk saying that he needs you to call him back because it's an emergency, he considers getting the final score of the Laker game an emergency.