TUESDAY, JUNE 1, 2004
Is it too long of a name to call this column RING RING RING RING?
Today's Honourary Crail Canadian is Paul Anka. Obviously he's awesome just because he's Canadian but he does seem to have a little bit of a prickish side to him. Paul wrote the song "Having My Baby" with the lyric "what a lovely way to say how much you love me". If that's how you want to think about it but usually having someone's baby is a lovely way to say "I feel like starting a family".
He seems to be a little lawsuit happy, too. He bought the Ottawa Senators and then sued the organaization for 41 million dollars. What a lovely way to let the team know you're a dick.
He also sued his dentist in 1996 because he was performing at Bally's in Vegas and his tooth fell out and into the crowd. It might not have been his dentists fault, it might just be a lovely way to say "chill out on the Skittles".
Welcome to The Tap, Paul.
Did you know on a scale of 0-6, 0 being extremely rare and 6 being super popular, the name "Greg" is a 4.803? The name Gregulator is a 0.
I have to go, I'm busy again.
FRIDAY, MAY 28, 2004
I like when Karl Malone wears those big wrist bands, it looks cool.
THURSDAY, MAY 27, 2004
How mad does it make the Laker Haters when Karl Malone makes that motion towards the other basket when the officials rule that it's Lakers ball? So bummed right? How bummed are you that I think it's awesome?
Laker Girl try outs are July 24th so if you are a girl over the age of 18 with at least 8 years dance experience, you're so on this. Hime, it specifically states "no spectators" on their website.
For the love of God, can everyone stop giving Mez the concerned head tilt? He's fine. Stop acting like he was one of the chick's on The Bachelor that didn't get picked.
The Canadian Women's Curling Team has more championships then any other curling team in the world. I know this because I have a crazy person in Canada that seems to think on a daily basis he needs to remind me that Canada is better then the US. If you don't know what curling is, it's when you put curlers in your hair. Just kidding. It's some really weird looking game they play on the ice with these things that look like mops.
I was going to write about how sad I am that Smyth is gone for about a month but he just forwarded me an e-mail that he sent to our distributor in Australia and he used the word "keen". Smyth doesn't use the word "keen" when he's talking to Americans, what a poser.
I'll still miss him though. He's going to England for 24 days with a bunch of his friends which will probably be his blokes once he's in London.
WEDNESDAY, MAY 26, 2004
Too bad for Bird's Victory Etiquette or I would have so much good stuff to write! We're two games away from finding out who we beat in the Finals! If you're not a basketball fan, a good reason to check out the Lakers/Timberwolves game on Thursday would be to find out what it would look like if Mikey and Scott had a baby boy. Look for Wally Szczerbiak and you'll see. Other game highlights from last nights Laker victory:
The Gav found out that he can't sit with either of the Jefferson brothers at a game. Tim's head is unusually large, Ako and Atiba have heads that tend to be on the small side. Next to either of them, Tim looks like he got stung in the face by a bee 300 times.
Our best friends, Von Zipper, were on the jumbotron several times. Obviously we're going to want to be friends with people that wear foam fingers on both hands the entire game.
And lastly, Frosty gets to be on the jumbotron now when they scan the crowd for celebrities.
I would like to urge everyone to go to McDonalds and try the Apple Dippers. It's a bag of apple slices that comes with a little container of caramel dipping sauce. The best thing they've released since the McFlurry.
Ok, I have to go, I have a meeting with The Mez and if you're late, he freaks!
TUESDAY, MAY 25, 2004
If the Lakers lose tonight, I'm changing my e-mail address. Only after I e-mail Bird a super funny e-card.
Mikey's girlfriend has gone out of town leaving a very confused Mikey alone in his house. In the old days, he'd be hammered at a bar wearing some girls scarf and acting super cute but the new dedicated Mikey stays at home and just stretches and stuff.
Nick's diet is going really well. In a fitted t-shirt he looks like a perky A cup.
The guy that sends me all the "Canada is better then America" info is actually crazy. He sent me an e-mail breaking down the support that Canada lent to the US for the attack on Iraq. Did I say I thought Canada did not do enough? Did I say that I supported the war? Did I say I wanted an e-mail buddy to discuss current events with? NO times 3.
Oh, and even if you did send 2 battle ships, 600 ground troops and 6 fighter jets with the exchange rate, it's a canoe, 3 mounties and a few flying squirrels.
The Hime is up for rep of the year at the Transworld awards.
MONDAY, MAY 24, 2004
Thanks for all the hate mail regarding the Lakers. It's awesome to see that regardless of who YOUR team is, you feel no shame in pointing out how much the Lakers suck. A certain Mavericks fan included in his e-mail that I should "get ready to start seeing Luke at the beach". You're a Mavericks fan, prick. Where's your team? Playing Nerf football in the mansion of a guy that had to buy an NBA team to have some friends?
Bird and I aren't friends but he had the flu so I have to be nice to him. Wait, are we friends? I have to check my notes, I'm pretty sure we're not. Oh, and Bird is not hosting the Transworld awards.
So not hosting the Transworld awards are: The Mez, Swift, Phelps, Bird and just added, Spike. Spike still won't acknowledge that he worked there so they're not going to let him host ever.
It's Victoria Day in Canada. Happy Victoria Day, Canadians. Victoria Day is in celebration of King Edward VII who was born on November 9th so it would only make perfect sense to have a holiday in honor on the 24th of May, right?
I have to go, I left my funny pills at home.
FRIDAY, MAY 21, 2004
Jason Kidd would have gotten MVP if the object was to not get any points.
Active has a t-shirt that looks like the Houston Astros logo and if you wear it to the gym you get to field questions the entire work out about Jeff Bagwell, Andy Petitte, Craig Biggio and all kinds of other guys I don't know anything about. Well, I do know that they call Jeff Bagwell, "Bags" but that's only because I get up at 4am and listen to sports radio.
It's a nice shirt, Shane, but it involves being way more social then I care to be so it's now an "indoor shirt."
Found out last night from a very credible trend forecaster that the following things are in: The Gav and Adidas slides with cork soles. The Adidas slides are probably easier to get then The Gav.
There's a Coors billboard on PCH that has that Jesse James guy on it and it says, "Party West Coast Style." Isn't drinking Coors partying Midwest style?
There's also another billboard about half a block down that says the LAPD is hiring and you can make between 46K and 62K. I catch myself everyday going though the same thought pattern where it sounds good and then I imagine I pull someone over one night to tell them their tail light is out and they run me over. My job is stressful but it's safer then being a cop.
RICKK'S COMMUNITY SERVICE QUOTES
"People actually yell shit out the window of their car at you while you're working."
"I picked up like 10,000 cigarette butts with some sort of trash tool."
"Dude, I'm so over littering."
"Does this make me sort of a dirt bag?"
THURSDAY, MAY 20, 2004
I wonder what Doug Christy is pointing at right now. Places on the map he'd like to go on his early vacation?
I know now that Mikey has settled down, a lot of you miss the apple stories. Well, this is better then any apple story. When you call his cell phone now, guess who leaves the greeting? His girlfriend! Look for his girlfriend in coming Fourstar ads as it is apparent who is now wearing the pants in that love affair.
Just want to make it clear to everyone to not ask Aaron about "his team." Along with making himself an outcast among the boys through sobriety and a car older then 12 months, The Mez also has no interest in The Lakers and couldn't tell you if Phil Jackson was the coach or the center.
A while back when I used to choose an Hoonourary Canadian everyday, some guy in Canada would e-mail news all the time that contained any information that I think he thought made Canada better then the United States. He let me know today that although "XBOX doesn't break down their numbers, on a per capita basis, Canada is it's number 1 market globally." Dude, what does that mean? Your country is cold which means you're indoors more. Mellow out.
Add this to your CANADA #1 roster: You export more litter bugs to America per capita basis.
Speaking of that litter bug, after 8 hours of picking up cigarette butts on the side of the 91 freeway, Rickky is now going to try and throw his trash in a proper disposal area. We'll have a full interview with him about his experience soon.
WEDNESDAY, MAY 19, 2004
We'll find out tonight who the Lakers play in the Western Conference Finals. I was hoping it was Minnesota until KG gave that ammo speech the other day. Freak. In other sporting news, Randy Johnson pitched a perfect game yesterday. 27 people up, 27 out. He's only the 17th pitcher in baseball to ever do it and the oldest person to ever do it. He's sketchy looking, he needs to get microdermabrasion. But that doesn't take away from his accomplishment.
As you enjoy this nice sunny day, Rickk is on the side of a So Cal freeway wearing Timberland boots, an orange vest and picking up trash. He decided he didn't want to go to jail because they don't have that NBA league pass thing in jail. They also don't have fireworks in jail so it's really not his kind of place.
Sorry for bringing up the Transworld awards yesterday, I was just confirming the host situation. But I was right about Swift not hosting next year, either. Oh, and Meza said he's not hosting this year or next year or the year after that.
I did finally receive the written apology letter from Bird and it didn't seem genuine so I submitted it to The Tap Friendship department. As you can see, it was not accepted. Sorry Bird, looks like we're through. Thanks for the memories.
TUESDAY, MAY 18, 2004
Just waiting to see if we play Sacto or Minnesota. Spike is now a Sacto fan and his favorite guy on the team is that one guy, "Jason or Chris or something...." He's a real sports fanatic.
The Gav helped The Mez get the feel of working at Girl by taking him on a two hour lunch on his first day of work. Thanks, Timmy.
I've been banned from doing the count down to the Transworld awards but I would like to confirm that Swift is not hosting this year. This part I'm guessing on but I don't think he's hosting next year either. Or the year after that. Or probably ever.
Bird, formal apology, pronto.
MONDAY, MAY 17, 2004
That would be so cool if Parker and Duncan took Bird on a fishing trip with them for a little vacation. A really long one where they could all relax and think about Texas and what a rad place it is.
I'm pretty sure I'm going to become an Avengers fan next season. (That's the indoor football team in LA for those of your who aren't awake at 3 in the morning listening to sports radio). They have a deal where you get two lower level seats at Staples Center, two free beers, two hot dogs and an order of nachos for $49.95! You're not even allowed to think about the Lakers for that amount of money.
9 days until the Transworld awards! I don't think Swift is hosting this year.
Did you know Julio Iglesias is getting married? That would sort of suck to marry a guy that wrote a song with the lyrics "to all the girls I've loved before, that have traveled in and out my door". He's a slut.
I have to go, The Mez just started working here.
FRIDAY, MAY 14, 2004
I fell asleep with 4/10 of a second left in the Laker game last night. Did we lose?
THURSDAY, MAY 13, 2004
The Lakers evened up the series on Tuesday night by beating the Spurs by 8 points. They were down by 10 at the half and Frosty took my favorite "good sport" approach and blamed it on the officiating. Of course we all felt the officiating truly improved in the second half when the Lakers went on the beat the Spurs.
In other basketball news, Minnesota lost to The Cowbells. Weber had a game high of 28 points and Christy had a game high of 52 points to his wife.
You know how the comic strip Garfield is so hilarious? They're making it into a movie. I wonder if it will be as funny as Scooby Doo.
My e-mail was down for a few days and Bird had claimed to have sent a formal apology so that we might mend our friendship but I didn't get anything. It's OK, I would only accept a written one after what he did.
We put the picture that our friends at Von Zipper sent us of the Von Zipper chicks in a pool up on a bulletin board in the warehouse. A visitor asked us yesterday if they worked here.
Yeah, we have a bunch of girls that go and test the temperature of pools in the area and then come back here all dripping wet in tight t-shirts that say Von Zipper on them.
How come smart people don't visit us? Is it because water seeks it's own level? Are we smart that we use that expression?
With Rickk 6 days away from life behind bars, we're looking for a new President for Girl. Drop us a line if you're interested.
TUESDAY, MAY 11, 2004
Doug Christy should start pointing at Kevin Garnett more.
We're putting in new lights over the conference table upstairs so hopefully you will be able to tell the huge difference in our design. I know you will, it's going to be super.
We had three electricians come out to quote out the job, because we're smart and all, and isn't it weird that the stroke off wearing the big gold chain and smelling like he just got misted with three gallons of Old Spice was a complete dick? What a surprise!
Dude, you're the electrician, you tell me if we need to run a new electric line in the event the other one is over loaded and you tell me if the breaker needs to be replaced. Why are you asking me shit only an electrician would know?
If I knew that shit, I'd be up on a ladder installing the new track lighting and you'd be smelling up someone else's office building.
Bird didn't say "sorry" yet but he has called a few times. I know he really missed me, I don't blame him. I think he didn't want this on The Tap but maybe he did. He probably did, why wouldn't he?
First he e-mailed me and and needed help with linens. I guess Scott J was busy.
Then he called me to talk about basketball. Scott J doesn't know about basketball.
Then he called about a business matter. Scott J might now about business matters.
I'm not putting him back on my friend list until he sends an apology for accusing me of saying something as stupid as, "my team will always be better then yours".
Our friends at Von Zipper might be pissed at us for being scared of them because they have a cross bow. (Run on sentence anyone?).
We can be afraid of you and still be friends, we just won't turn our backs on you. And Von Zipper seems like a responsible company, they would never accidentally shoot one of us with their cross bow. It's like my sister told me the time I found out she had a gun in her safe, "if I shoot you, it won't be on accident." Wait, now I'm afraid of my sister, too.
I think Larson summed up our friendship with Von Zipper the best when he said, "This friendship means wherever I go, I'll have glasses that complement what I'm wearing."
Just because you don't keep it as real as Atiba, doesn't mean you don't count.
MONDAY, MAY 10, 2004
Is it OK to be stoked on the Laker win even though I said I was going for the Timberwolves to win it all? I only said that because LA was playing like shit and I didn't want to be rooting for the losers. Pretty rad fan.
I had a bunch of stuff for you today to make up for the two days last week that I was too drunk to type and then Smyth buzzes into my office and threw me for a loop. Turns out one of our dear friends got hammered and got a tat on their arm that reads: THIS IS FOR MY HOMIES. You might not think that has a nice ring to it but it's better then the one he was going to get that Ty talked him out of that said: THIS IS FOR MY HOMMIEZ.
Crankers got a tattoo a long time ago for his homies and it's a ring of monkey's going around his arm.
We're three days away from The Mez bonanza. You know what's weird? What if once The Mez is back working here, his mystery wears off and we start to think he's a goon? That would suck but I wouldn't put it past us. We always think we're really into mimes but we're not really, we just think we are. I guess The Mez isn't as irritating as a mime. He's not really irritating at all but he could be once he gets here. And now I'm remembering he's straight edge.....The Mez bonanza crumbling before he even gets here? Lame for him.
You know what's gnarly? You'll be having those days where you're like "fuck the high road, I'm tired" and then all of a sudden you get The Daily Dose from The Gregulator. All you want to do is be a total dick and he just hits you with this peaceful warrior stuff.
Mark your calendars, Rickoo has about a week before he goes to jail. We asked around the office to see what people will miss most about him when he's in the slammer. Here's what we found out:
Larson and Smyth will both miss his farts, I guess they think they're funny.
The Gregulator said, "I'll miss him coming in sometimes" and Jenkins added, "I'll miss the free Lakai's but I guess I can go through Gavin". At least he's leaving his mark.
FRIDAY, MAY 7, 2004
Remember that funny post when The Lakers eliminated Houston? That ought to be even funnier in a few more Laker games.
Supra Pete left me a message on my cell phone. You know how cell phones are all fuzzy and hard to hear? It was right after the Laker game and for some reason he said something about opening up distribution in Canada to more distributors. It was weird, generous of Pete but odd. We're on it, Pete, don't worry.
Abeyta: Flying with both wings
Larson: One wing in oil paint
Jenkins: One wing in race fuel
Diamond Nick: Blinged wings
Come back Monday when you won't believe what you see!
THURSDAY, MAY 6, 2004
Remember that funny post when The Lakers eliminated Houston? That ought to be even funnier in a few more Laker games.
Supra Pete left me a message on my cell phone. You know how cell phones are all fuzzy and hard to hear? It was right after the Laker game and for some reason he said something about opening up distribution in Canada to more distributors. It was weird, generous of Pete but odd. We're on it, Pete, don't worry.
Abeyta: Flying with both wings
Larson: One wing in oil paint
Jenkins: One wing in race fuel
Diamond Nick: Blinged wings
Come back Monday when you won't believe what you see!
WEDNESDAY, MAY 5, 2004
I'm actually rooting for the Timberwolves now. Isn't that weird? Maybe it isn't that weird. What is weird? I wonder if I will still get hate mail now. Do people hate The Timberwolves? Do they hate Timberwolves fans? Oh, that's right, they just hate us in general. (This whole paragraph would be so much more valuable had I just left it in my head, sorry).
We got the new issue of Bowhunting magazine. Remember when we sent the "Let's be Friends" packages back and forth with Von Zipper? Well, one of the gifts they sent us was a DVD of how to clean your new cross bow which means one of our new friends at Von Zipper has a cross bow. Which means they might read this magazine which means we might have made friends with lunatics.
Great, we thought we were going to be hanging out at strip clubs and pool parties with the Von Zipper chicks and it turns out we're going to be listening to stories about amo storage and all walnut bow grips.
Raymond had to be taken to the hospital by Paramedic BA because he was barfing and had a fever of 105! Not sure why but they put a needle up his butt and now he's getting better. He's blaming Canada and Supra Pete so stay tuned for lawsuits, country bans and future Slam City Jam boycotts.
You know what's weird? Bird and I are actually not friends anymore. No joke. He got an E-card that he thought I sent and then he sent me a really gay e-mail that made me embarrassed for him so I called him and hung up on him which was super immature and so now we're not friends. We have a lot of great memories and you know that old saying, "memories are better then friends."
It's the count down to The Mez! The Gav is planning the launch party in downtown LA because no one throws launch parties like The Gav and so far the working title of the party is "He's A-Mezing." Tim came up with that, not us. You know who else is amazing? Tim.
TUESDAY, MAY 4, 2004
One more night until you're on the edge of your couch riveted at Tim Duncan and The Spurs. Awesome!
Rickk didn't make a love connection at Slam City Jam. Looks like the girl that stalks him every year isn't interested in a boyfriend that is about to go to jail. She's blowing it! This would be the time to snag him. When he's in prison for littering, all he will think about is Slam City Jam girl. He'll draw that picture that he draws of the guys with his legs apart and his butt all exposed and send her letters with Maple leaves with hearts all around it. Even in jail, he's still a catch.
We're still best friends with Von Zipper even though no one believes us. As if we can't have friends? Dude, we're fun. Maybe not as fun as Von Zipper but we're pretty fucking fun! As soon as we're friends for like a year, we're going to ask them to name a pari of sunglasses after us. I'm sure they'll love that idea.
Hime's back from Switzerland. He said he heard there was brothels there! Shut up, Hime! You're such a kidder.
In a about a weeks time, we became the most tatted company in Torrance. We actually have 6 sleeved employees. Man, not only are we fun, we're sort of bad ass.
Crankers, call us up, we have a contract for you!
MONDAY, MAY 3, 2004
The Lakers lost. They'll probably lose the whole series. I'll be so sad. My whole summer will be empty and void of anything bright. I will probably not be able to bounce back from it and spiral into a lengthy depression filled with loss of inspiration and thoughts of hopelessness. After night upon night of no sleep, I will probably start imagining things and be stuck in a state of delirium. Then I'll start to think the Lakers won and be wearing purple and gold everywhere and have flags on my car and buy bobble heads every time I see a Carls Jr.
We have a RICKK'S JAIL CELL ART winner! We gathered The Tap panel of judges to choose from the many wonderful entries sent for Rickk's cell once he's locked up. For those of you interested, Rickk has yet to pick up the trash on the side of the highway assigned to him by the judge so it's simply a matter of time before he won't get to wear his favorite plaid button up each day.
Our winner is Dave Feldman of Chappaqua, NY. We felt Dave's entry captured the reality of what that day will be like for Rickk. Send us letter with your shoe size and we'll get your package out to you pronto.
Because we did receive so much artwork that would work so well in a jail cell, we wanted to show you the two runner ups who will also be receiving a Rickk Howard skateboard. Congratulations also go out to Daniel "Meatball" Corral of San Dimas, CA (weird that a guy from San Dimas calls himself "Meatball") and to Brian Eberhardt of Jacksonville, FL.
I guess people that ride their bikes on the beach think that people that roller skate are lame. Or maybe "Get the fuck out of the way, loser" is some new greeting I'm not yet familiar with. Hard to take criticism from the chick on the Paul Frank bike but I just carried on my merry way and when I was at a safe distance I mumbled "nice bike, dipshit". Would I still be a loser if I can manage to sew that monkey on the side of my skates? Let me know, I'm just like you, just trying to be accepted.
I have a Blink 182 song stuck in my head. You know what? I'm just going to call it a day, first I'm defending my roller skates and now the Blink 182. I'll start over tomorrow.
FRIDAY, APRIL 30, 2004
Thanks for all the Laker mail. Remember haters, don't get caught up in the hole and forget about the doughnut.
THURSDAY, APRIL 29, 2004
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 28, 2004
Tonight is the round closer between the Lakers and Houston. If for some insane reason, the Lakers lose, I am going to probably write tomorrow about how Kobe missed three practices and so he wasn't "on his game". So you don't even have to check back tomorrow, I can already tell you that it's either going to be endless celebration and rambling of "how I knew they could do it, we all knew, purple and gold, blah blah blah" or "of course they beat us, Kobe got to the game an hour before it started". See? Don't even have to come back for two days.
I'm not sure if the CHP checks our site but Rickk has littered TWICE since his original ticket. I wonder how Little Nanuck of the North would feel if we all took a journey to his homeland and threw trash out the window of the car while we drove around Winnipeg. They have cars in Canada, right? I mean I know they have awesome bands but that doesn't mean they have cars. Of course we wouldn't do that because we're decent law abiding citizens. Still no trash duty for Rickoo but let's make lemonade when life gives us people with bad habits so enter to win.
Two more days to send your artwork for Rickk's slammer apartment to RICKK'S JAIL CELL ART c/o The Tap 22500 S Vermont Ave Torrance CA 90502. Keep in mind that we sweetened the deal by adding those Girl Modern Furniture Decals in addition to the signed Rickk Howard deck and a brand new pair of Lakai shoes.
Our friendship with Von Zipper is going OK. We're putting together another package for them because we heard they went to some strip bars and didn't call us. Come on, call up, we're in the yellow pages. Or of course there's that awesome 800 number the phone company gave us, 800-948-SKATE. They called and offered, we didn't request it, we're lame but we know when to say "we're really not that funny".
The Mez is doing great, thanks for calling and asking.
If you happen to run into Sam in the evening at the Slam City Jam, ask him to share one of these stories;
1. The ping pong story
2. The pizza and the bus story
3. The April fools joke story with the prank he played on his girlfriend when he told her someone broke into his car.
Just make sure you don't have to pee before he starts telling any of these or you'll pee.
TUESDAY, APRIL 27, 2004
A little numerology to prove the Lakers are closing it out in Game 4. Take Malone's jersey number and add Shaq's jersey number. Subtract Peyton's jersey number and also subtract Kobe's number. Divide that number by four. What do you have? Four. The Lakers are going to win four games in this round. You're welcome.
You people don't want Rickk to be in jail with just a bare cell? He still hasn't picked up trash and he's gong to jail. It's going to be awesome. Come on, three more days to get your entries in to RICKK'S JAIL CELL ART c/o The Tap 22500 S Vermont Ave Torrance CA 90502. The prize has just been sweetened with the addition of 10 packs of Girl Modern Furniture Decals.
I have to go, my hand keeps cramping up for some reason. Don't worry about it, I'll let you know if I'm OK.
MONDAY, APRIL 26, 2004
Not here, not YAO! It's good to see that Steve Francis felt compelled to show the NBA audience that Kobe is not the biggest egomaniac in the league. Thanks Stevie!
Crail Tap would like to issue a formal apology to Ako Jefferson. Ako got two hole in ones in one week and rather then celebrate his victory with him, we doubted his word. We would like Ako to understand that one of his business partners told their dad that he and his brother got a hole in one when they actually didn't and this certain business partner didn't come clean for years and years. Sorry, Ako, for making you guilty by association.
We don't want to say which partner at The Skateboard Mag but speaking of golf and people golfing in Nebraska, the longest hole in one in history was shot in Nebraska. It was in Omaha at the Miracle Hills Country Club in 1965. Robert Mitera hit the ball 444 yards and got the ace.
How much would you pay to watch The Gav do hip hop aerobics in a private room? Well, we're $700 dumber then you are.
Team Shit Their Pants was hanging out yesterday, Rickk and The Mez, when Rickk had to crap at once. Knowing the feeling all too well, The Mez gave Rickk his t-shirt to use as toilet paper. I'm not sure how Rickk thanked him and sort of not sure I want to know how.
We heard straight from the mouth of a trend forecaster that silk plants are so hot right now. Why not add a little Long Island flair to the pad?
FRIDAY, APRIL 23, 2004
Still no Lakers games this week but tonight they're back. Bird's in Texas visiting family (they make up 3 of the 6 people that DON'T think Bird's an asshole) so maybe he can send Yao Ming the good energy he needs to compete against the greatest player in the NBA. The "victory etiquette" doesn't allow for any correspondence regardless of who wins so we can't call Bird and tell him Steve Frances sucks, we'll just have to post it here.
There's a program in Canada called Auntie Litter, Inc (get, it? Canadians are hilarious) which teaches kids in school about littering and why it is bad for the environment. Rickk decided he didn't need to go to school around the age of 14 so he missed out on that program. Still yet to do his community service, Rickk is set to spend a weekend in the county jail. We will be posting the winner fo RICKK'S JAIL CELL ART on May 1st. We got a lot of great submissions that should look awesome in his cell. Let's just hope his European jaw line doesn't land him that title of yard bitch.
Remember those odds that had you all on the edge of your seat about golf? Well guess who is now saying not only one hole in one but two? That's right, Ako. We'll wait to hear from him again but he's probably gotten like three hole in ones just since he woke up. Ako, I thought cheating was for Frosty?
Hime is back and his cats, Metal and Slayer, are doing just fine. A little thirsty but doing better. It turns out the way that we tried to make him look like an asshole was totally out of line. He left the toilet seat up for the cats! Had we known that we never would have thought leaving them locked in a house for two weeks was lame.
The Gregulator is out of the office on Monday so it's late arrivals, long lunches and a lot of moving of the cheese.
THURSDAY, APRIL 22, 2004
Still no Lakers game so we're back to Golf. Kids, did you know that the chance of a golf player making an ace in a given round is 5000 to 1? Did you know that two players, same foursome acing the same hole is 17 million to 1? Did you know the odds of acing a designated hole in a single round is 20,000 to 1? Did you know that the chances of the same player getting two aces in a single round is 67 million to 1? Did you know we make skateboards not golf clubs?
I was shopping around in the book store trying to find a cat care book for Hime and I found out that the leading causes of dehydration in cats is a fever, infection, vomiting, diarrhea and kidney problems. Going to Switzerland and leaving your cats locked up in the house for two weeks with no water wasn't even on the list.
I know Hime believes that girls like guys that are assholes but I think there is a limit to it.
The Gav has made it official. He's no longer going to stay in shape by going to Golds. "I'm just going to get a tan, that will make me look thinner". Or maybe when 7-11 is having the 5 for the price of 1 hot dog sale, maybe bring a friend to share the hot dogs with.
I got an e-mail doubting that ROOPS 5 should win for Best Snowmobile video at the Xtremeys. Dude, BJ Murray got Best Snowmobiler last year for the stunts he pulled in ROOPS 4. Don't forget that. The only thing more awesome then that was Rick Roy winning Best Jet Skier in Coastal Rage. Or at least that's what Ty thought.
The Mez leaves work at 4 everyday. He's punk rock, what do you want?
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 21, 2004
The Lakers don't play again until Friday so it's all golf all the time. At least until Friday or Monday. Last Sunday I'm sure none of you missed Stewart Clink beat Ted Purdy in the largest come from behind victory ever on US soil. He won $864K for this victory. And you people ask why Frosty won't go to Slam City Jam?
This is actually old golf news but Ako and Atiba claim Ako got a hole in one. We have yet to see proof and when we asked Atiba about it he said, "Lee (Dupont) golfs way more then Ako and he's never gotten one". Easy Atiba, no need to attack Lee for no reason what so ever.
Guess who's shitty attitude lost us our Xtremey nomination, Ty? Come on, guess! I really wanted to go and see who won for Best Snowmobile Video. It's got to be between COLD SMOKE 6: FO' REEL or ROOPS 5: MAD POW DISEASE. I so hope ROOPS 5 takes it.
Hime went to Switzerland for a Nixon sales meeting and left his cats in his apartment on some sort of new fast for cats. They weren't feelin' it after the first three days so his landlord gave them some food. Our best friends at Von Zipper warned us that Hime was greasy but we had no idea just how greasy.
No restraining order for Bird. Turns out he just had too much beer and thought he was in love. Happens to the best of us.
Mikey's refinance is off to a good start. He stayed up all night thinking about the work subordinate. He's the VP of this place which should connect just about all the dots for you.
TUESDAY, APRIL 20, 2004
The Lakers beat Houston again but I can't really tell you about it because Bird sent this 40 page manual on "victory etiquette" and I haven't finished reading it yet. So all I can tell you is that Houston got the piss whipped right out of them. Oh, and I had a conversation with Atiba at the Laker game where I thought he was Ako for the first four minutes but when he said something about "jumping fences when schools are closed" and I thought to myself "Is The Skateboard Mag that street where they have the art director jumping fences into closed schools for inspiration?" and I answered myself, "oops, wrong Jefferson".
Speaking of "victory etiquette", Supra Pete doesn't need to read this manual, he's a Canuck's fan.
Ever have 72.1% of the people that work for you want a new microwave only to have The Gregulator go and buy some stainless steel thing that you would only have if you were trying to get chicks over to your house to think that you were loaded? I guess that would be super freaky if you answered "yes" to that. Well, we have that microwave and we'll keep you posted on the chicks that it attracts.
What about run on sentences?
Smyth was out of town for five days so the snack machine went to shit! No one was "Getting Snacky" but people were "Getting Snappy". Larson said, and I quote, "if we ever run out of Maui chips again, I'm out". Larson also said he never wanted to shit his colon out, he is on top of the game when it comes to accessories and he does "tough guy" parking every morning.
Pouting is the new pink.
Stay tuned for our "Mikey's refinancing his house" support group. A lot of hugging, complaining, questions and sadness. Should be a great time.
MONDAY, APRIL 19, 2004
Lakers beat Houston on Friday but the game was a little different to watch. I guess they have adjusted the game so that fouls on every other player but Shaq are just the same as they have always been but on Shaq, anything short of taking a grenade out of your pocket and blowing him up is not a foul.
Oh, and Bird would like Steve Francis to get some shoes that don't slip on the floor so much.
Speaking of Bird, he's about to find out what it feels like to be the recipient of a restraining order.
Is it bad to not know if the weird piece on the roof of your car is a speed fin or part of your navigation system? It is bad to tell the police, if you happened to get pulled over for an unsafe lane change, that it's a camera. Maybe not bad but not funny. Or if it is funny, they are super good at not laughing.
We're officially friends with Von Zipper! For life, no less. We are having them in our weddings, naming babies after them, inviting them to birthday parties, all the good stuff that friends do! Hime tried to tell us that Von Zipper was too busy to be our friends but boy was he wrong. We got a "We want to be your friend, too" package from them with the kinds of things that you only send to people you truly love and care about. There was custom Crail Tap glasses, Del Taco hot sauce, CD's, masking tape, a guide to Maui and all kinds of other awesome items. There was also a DVD on taking care and maintaining a cross bow with a photo on the cover of a super sketchy hunter guy and a deer which also made us realize it would be good to stay friends with Von Zipper no matter what happens.
We got a new microwave here at Girl headquarters so everyone can heat their food up that they bring from home and leave it in the microwave for way too long and let it bubble and splash on to the sides of the microwave and on the door and then leave their tupperware here for two years until I throw it away and then they ask where their tupperware is. We're pretty stoked!
Jeremy moved back into the tattoo office and Rob and Tony are claiming they're never letting him go again.
When asked about his return to their office, Larson said "It was a long weird lonely time where Rob and I couldn't seem to find any direction or motivation. Once we took Jeremy with us to the counselor the two of us were seeing, he realized we needed to be reunited....because it feels so good".
Did I mention we got a new microwave?
THURSDAY, APRIL 15, 2004
The Trailblazers played their hearts out but they don't really have any so they lost to The Lakers. Now The Lakers play Houston in the first round which means at some point over the next week Rickk and Bird will fist fight. I think there about the same size but Rickk has the advantage with that thing that runs in all Canadians except for Crankers, "fight until the other guy looks dead".
With Raymond updating you on baseball that shit that people always say about Girl being a bunch of jocks is really coming to fruition.
We can't make it to the Xtremey's this year because we have to go accept our Lamey. Like I've said before you can't have your cake and take the heat. Right?
The Mez extreme make over is going alright. He got "THE MEZ" tatted on his neck in old English yesterday so that helped and we told him no more flip flops. Tough guys don't wear flip flops. Unless they're DVS flip flops and then that's a whole other "animal". It looks like by the end of summer The Mez will be coming home late from work because he stopped at a strip club.
Spike, call me, I forgot to tell you the story about Mikey having a shirt on that matched his shoes with shoe laces that were a different color in each shoe but they also matched his shoes and t-shirt. It was so gay. Seriously, call me so I can describe it to you.
I have to go, I'm having a mood swing.
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 14, 2004
The Lakers beat Golden State. They suck and we suck. But did you know that that blink that Tiger does before he takes a swing is a self hypnosis induction? His dad hired a hypnotist to work with him during the time he was an amateur and the blink is sort of like a trigger that puts him in the zone. Frosty named his dog Tiger, I wonder if when she blinks a lot she goes into the zone.
I felt like Raymond was reaching out to me in his column yesterday so I wanted to break down this whole art show thing for him. If two people have an art show together, it is called Fusion. If three people have an art show it is called Triple Trippy. Anything more than three is a group art show. You have to be careful with group art shows because you might see a name on the flyer that you like, not take the time to go down the whole list of names (some of these shows are up to 50 people in a show, fucking awesome) and end up buying a piece of art that some sap threw together.
Take for instance the Would art show. People came from far and wide to score a hand painted wooden OG painted by Jenkins or Leon or Mueller only to find out those went first and get stuck with some piece of shit painted purple with stars glued all over it. If you are one of those people that got stuck with one of those, Megan apologizes. Too bad art shows don't have a return policy like Nordstroms.
Last night I decided that The Mez needs a make over to make him a little tougher. I think the first step would be to stop talking like he's a ventriloquist. While we're making him over, Rickk will be kicking the asses of people that The Mez is pissed at. He's going to look like a cross between The Rock and Danzig when we're done with him.
I have to go, I guess we have work to do. Weird.
TUESDAY, APRIL 13, 2004
CROWNFARMER, always on the main stage!
TUESDAY, APRIL 13, 2004
The Lakers play tonight but who cares? We're talking golf now. I got a bunch of e-mails telling me that the Laker updates are lame enough and some nonsense about not mentioning some Laker game, I guess the Lakers played some game on Sunday. Whatever. People really hated the golf update, except Timmy, he loved it. So guess what, shitballs, you get more golf.
Let's talk about this Phil Mickelson thing a little more. Can you believe this guy spent a third of his life being considered "The best golfer that never won a master"? That's rough. And the thing about golf is that you can't blame your team which is a route I really like to go in a losing situation. Tiger tried to say he had the stomach flu on Sunday and that's why he sucked but The Gav said he has a girlfriend now and that's why he sucks. Girls ruin everything, especially skateboard companies. I guess Tiger had that same stomach flu last year because he sucked then too.
The Mez has something up his sleeve and it's not a pair of poopy boxers.
CINEMA BIRD returns. Bird cozied up to the television last night with some corn dogs, brie and a copy of PHENOMENON (John Travolta, Kyra Sedgewick, 1996). "This movie is straight up sick. Travolta's character is struck by lightning one night after his birthday rager and it leaves him with these sick ass psychic powers. From that point on the movie goes so many kinds of off it isn't even fucking funny. Some shit head scientists end up finding out about his powers and try and study him but the powers he had are way too fucking awesome for them to comprehend. I highly recommend this movie, definitely some good shit".
Did you know if you get nominated for an X-tremey and then you write about how exhilarating the feeling is there is a chance that they might check your website and then want to know who wrote it? Well, I wrote it, my name is Bob K.
Scott J was just here with Blue, his dog. Blue's hair felt like he and Scott might be using the same expensive conditioner.
Speaking of hair, I watched Magnum PI for a while last night (on the TV in my Hummer, as if I was just sitting at home on a Monday night, AS IF) and I think he and Mikey have the same hair now. I'm going to try to get Mikey to wear a Hawaiian shirt to be more sure but it looks like a match.
MONDAY, APRIL 12, 2004
The Lakers have the night off so no real Laker news for you. In other sports, Phil Mickelson finally won a master and for those of us lucky enough to watch, one of the finest performances in the 68 year history of the masters. Go Phil!
Got a little food poisoning on Friday and Rickk asked, "did you crap your pants?". He seemed surprised when I told him "no" but I guess I forgot about the fact that Rickk has so many close friends that have crapped their pants more than one time. Hime, The Gav, Meza, Rickk himself... I guess that would make that a pretty normal question if that is your circle of friends.
Bird seems all cheery today, it's so unsettling when he's like that.
Bob K only hangs out with English people on the weekends. He's so awesome. (That's what he told me, not that he hangs out with only English people on the weekends, but that he's awesome).
LIVE UPDATE: Not many columns on Crail.
THURSDAY, APRIL 8, 2004
The Lakers had the night off last night so there was nothing else to do but sit around and talk about Yao Ming leading the Rockets to an early summer vacation.
Bird and Megan are totally friends again. Megan just has to sleep in pee in front of one of those special sneaker stores and get Bird some rare Nike's and the whole mess is behind them. I wonder if sleeping on pee and cement is tougher than sleeping in the back of a pick up truck in short shorts soaked in beer. This brings Bird's friend count up to 3 and Megan's...2 after yesterday. Pretty awesome stuff.
Correction from yesterday. Bob K has gotten to third base with one of the Friendster dates. And although it makes what we said wrong, it only spells it out that Bob needs Mikey's help with the ladies. Everyone knows if a girl will go to third base and then call it quits, she's a tease and you're a dork. Bob, put on that Sisley coat and meet Mikey at a club this weekend. He gets to third base waiting in line to get in the club.
One of the shit cupcakes is starting a shit storm. And it's not Tito......
Ever been nominated for an X-tremey? The feeling when you're nominated is almost indescribable. It feels like you just kayaked over the falls, landed on a wakeboard and were whisked in the air on to a sky surfer and just surfed through the clouds.
Once we get everything squared away with our new friends at Von Zipper we're going to find out why one of their styles is called PAPPA G. We're waiting for the returned olive branch, Von Zipper!
Please try not to bother The Gav today, he needs to finish sending out his Easter cards and he's running a little behind. Thanks.
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 7, 2004
Houston lost last night. I wonder why they don't want to make it to the playoffs.
Bird is now officially more pissed at Megan than he is at The Skateboard Mag, Yao Ming and President Bush. This really sucks. Well, not that much, I was just trying to be dramatic. Maybe he'll invite Megan over for corn dogs and brie that he bought with the gift certificate she gave him as a gift because she is a good friend to Bird.
Or maybe Megan will buy Bird a new button up with pools all over it and then he'll have two.
Bob K is still supporting Friendster despite the fact that he has yet to get to second base on any of the dates. There was that one girl that told him he was "one cool mofo" but even she was not interested in round two with the Bobster. Bob is going to need to spend a weekend with Mikey to try and help him with the ladies. Mikey can do the apple trick with girls in the first hour of meeting them so maybe his skills could rub off on Bob. ("Rub off" sounded gross mixed in with this story, sorry). Bob might not want to do the apple trick but he might want to do the pumpkin trick. That one's wicked!
Dave Feldman of New York is currently in the lead for the RICKK'S JAIL CELL ART contest. (How's your contest going, Bob?). I think the piece he did is going to look awesome in Rickk's cell. We'll be picking a winner May 1st.
The Gav and his girl, Kelly don't have enough photos of them together. That's what I heard... when Tim pressed "send" on his phone and I got to listen to them talk for 15 minutes. There's a few people you don't want to have hear your intimate conversations. Safe to say I might be one of those few.
We're still waiting to hear back and see if Von Zipper wants to be friends with us. We sent them a package but Hime said, "they're not like you guys, they're busy". Too busy for your new friends? I don't think so, Von Zipper.
TUESDAY, APRIL 6, 2004
The Lakers play Portland tonight. I'll let you know if Houston loses tomorrow.
We were a little worried about Rickk going to jail but we did some research and they have all these great programs in prison now where they teach you a trade so when you're back on the streets you can land a good job. Every cloud in Rickk's life seems to have a shiny silver lining.
Imagine the shock Megan felt yesterday when she read that Bob K was still trying to accuse her of having an addiction. I think an addiction is going on repeated Friendster dates to try and get laid even though they have amounted to nothing more then a hand shake. I think Erica Kane would agree with me.
Mihaly called one of the owners of Girl "retarded". I wonder if Rickk will kick his ass when he sees him or make a special trip to Solana Beach to do it? This should be awesome.
The forklift here at Girl broke down but we got it all handled. Thanks for your concern and prayers.
MONDAY, APRIL 5, 2004
Houston lost yesterday.
We're trying to form a friendship with Von Zipper. Not because we want free sunglasses because we like them. We're having each employee here at Girl put one token of friendship in a box and then we're going to give it to Hime to give to them. Hopefully they want to be friends with us, too. Then we can go on trips with them to Disneyland and have softball games where it's Von Zipper vs. Girl. Maybe we'll even tell them that Rickk and Frosty are two of the sorest losers this side of the Pokonos so maybe just let us win the game. It's going to be pretty terrific if this works out. If they like Hime, they have to like us. It won't be long until Rickk and Mike are front and center at Captain Cream's with our new friends at Von Zipper.
We had to put CINEMA BIRD on hiatus while we tried to find a movie that Bird didn't hate so we have a temporary critic. Welcome to CINEMA MIKEY. CINEMA MIKEY takes a look at St. Elmo's Fire (Rob Lowe, Demi Moore, 1985).
"It just seemed weird".
Haters, set your alarm clocks, don't sleep while you can hate! Come on, get out there, don't hate tomorrow what you can hate today. The early hater catches the worm! Think about it. Ty? Rickk? Mikey? Lots of things to hate. Get Hatey!
Chevrolet was supplying the lifeguards in Orange County with trucks for the past few years and have decided to pull the plug on that program. There was a point to this when I started typing but not so much right now.
You know what's weird? Megan confided in Bob K that she was a little emotional because on her soap opera someone had stole the baby that Babe had and Babe thought the baby that Bianca had was hers. Megan didn't think that Bob would then go and tell a bunch of people she was fucking up. It's like when Bob tells me about riding his stationary bike in his living room so he can get in great shape so he can get laid a lot, I never tell anyone that. Weird, right?
FRIDAY, APRIL 2, 2004
Not right Yao!
Mikey's back! I guess it was just the preparation for Spain and then the trip to Spain and then recovering from Spain but he's back and better than ever. Today he called to ask what the deed from his house might look like.
He then explained that something that "seemed" like it was the deed came in the mail but it didn't "really look like what I thought it should look like". He did what we all would do and threw it away. He's my favorite skater.
LIVE UPDATE: Not the column to my left.
14 more years until we get to tell Emmet that mankind is sort of a sham. Unless he happens to ask and then I think we're allowed to tell him. I wonder if we can drop small hints.
CINEMA BIRD is on a short hiatus while we try and find a movie Bird likes. (Basically, this aspect of the column is history).
A hotel room with a stripper pole in it? Atiba?
It really is no longer a question of IS Rickk going to jail but more like WHEN and WHERE. He still hasn't made it to pick up trash with the other people that "just made little mistakes" and he's almost littered three times.
Since this all points to the failure of a certain column's contest, we're holding a new one.
Draw a picture of Rickk getting handcuffed by the police with a surprised look on his face. On May 1st we'll pick the best drawing and the winner gets a pair of Lakai's, a Rick Howard board and some brand new trash bags.
Send your entries to:
RICKK'S JAIL CELL ART
C/O The Tap
22500 S Vermont Ave
THURSDAY, APRIL 1, 2004
The Lakers play that one team with the giant scary robot as a center tonight. Houston also has potty mouth Steve Francis who likes to lose his temper when he gets fouls called on him. A robot and a baby can't beat the Lakers.
How does a pirate stop smoking? He uses the patch.
Last night when I was studying for my "bar exam" I realized that I'm smart.
Do you think Grant would would be pissed that Mihaly told us that he couldn't play an April Fools joke on Grant because he's so old he might have a heart attack? Do you think Mihaly told me this with the understanding that I have some boundaries of what to post on The Tap? Grant, if you're reading this, storm out of there and quit. Not like when you left Transworld, that was a "baby quit". I mean really storm out of there calling people "fucker" and telling them to "go back to Florida or Colorado or Nebraska". You can come work here at Girl where we don't talk shit on each other. Wait, on second thought, we do talk shit on each other just not to people with columns to update on the world wide web. Oh well, call us after you storm out and we'll get your office ready. Oh, and break Mihaly's surfboard in two on the way out, that will make for an awesome story to tell the kids.
CINEMA BIRD brings us Dirty Dancing (Patrick Swayze, Jennifer Grey, 1987)
"Patrick Swayze plays Johnny Castle, a fucking retarded camp dance teacher that wears pants so tight you have to keep your eyes at a certain level on the screen or you're forced to view his package. Jennifer Grey plays Frances 'Baby' Houseman, a young idiotic girl on summer vacation with her parents. She decides to go try dancing and of course it isn't long until perverted Johnny is dry humping this chick with no regard for the fact that her parents are 40 yards away and that she is practically a child. Holy fucking molester! She wears these annoying ass Keds tennis shoes through the entire movie but they were never enough to take your mind off Johnny's disturbing jeans. Dude, just go one size up, it might feel good to not have your sack feel like it's plastered to your thigh.
I'm not sure what I was supposed to walk away from this hunk of shit movie with but all I got was sick to my stomach and frightened to ever send my child to camp, Fucking lamest piece of shit".
LIVE UPDATE: Not the Randoms!
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 31, 2004
This column sucks today.
TUESDAY, MARCH 30, 2004
The Lakers play Charlotte tonight so there's an easy win. If you happen to make it to Staples Center, don't forget to spin by section 105 and say hello to Rickk and Frosty. They'll be the two that look like they're roadies for the band Bread circa 1971. Individually their hair styles are not so bad but as a team they get some sort of creepy flow look going. They're still the same two great guys on the inside, though.
How much does it cost for a pirate to get a piercing? A buck an ear.
CINEMA BIRD takes a look at Over The Top (Sylvester Stallone, 1987).
"Sylvester Stallone plays Lincoln Hawk in what may very well be the worst piece of shit I have ever sat through. He is a truck driver and an arm wrestler. If you arm wrestle at any time other than the 6th grade or drunk in a hotel room with Rickk, you are a complete fucking tool. He is estranged from his son who has been adopted by his ex-wive's father (another character that can't act his way out of a paper bag). When they finally meet and the son sees past his dad's retarded hobby, he decides his dad is a pretty cool guy and they end of up on the road together. Stallone's character teaches his son many false hoods. One of them being that the world meets no one half way. Hey Sly, if the world meets no one half way then how did arguably the shittiest actor to hit the big screen ever get any work? The movie drags on through a few amazing arm wrestling competitions, the son struggling if he should return home and the ex-wive's death.
Great message they sent when Stallone's character drives his tractor trailer though the front of Grandpa's house and is punished by being banned from that state. Some screenwriter has to be really fucking proud when he sees this pile of shit on his resume. Another two hours of moronic dialog, retarded plot and complete and total bullshit. This movie most likely did for Arm Wrestling what Footloose did for dancing on the top of trains no longer in use. Total bag of shit and complete waste of time".
Bob K is going to be treating us soon to his "ironic Anti-drug message". It's riveting, take my word for it.
Some Girl Skateboard employee keeps forgetting to get their change when they make a purchase at the Girl vending machine. I've made $1.10 in the last two days off this sorry sucker. Don't mean to jump the gun but I may be looking at an early retirement.
MONDAY, MARCH 29, 2004
The Lakers beat The Jazz last night. I hate the Jazz. Sorry.
Did you know that when you buy a bottle of soda or water at The Staples Center they twist the cap off and keep it? It's true. You see, at Laker games there are some asshole fans, like maybe Rickk or Hime, who after a few beers might throw the cap at the opposing team or the opposing team's coach.
It's just safer with assholes at the game, like maybe Rickk or Hime, to not let them have objects to throw. Sometimes assholes, like Rickk or Hime, get creative and throw sunflower seeds but those aren't as dangerous as the bottle caps.
What's a pirate's favorite cookie?
CINEMA BIRD brings us Grease (Starring John Travolta and Olivia Newton John, 1978)
"This movie starts out pretty sick, I'm a big fan of summer romance and Olivia Newton John was pretty sweet looking. But it isn't long until dudes are prancing around like a bunch of fucking idiots singing about their retarded jocked out piece of shit cars. This thing starts sky rocketing towards lameness after about 15 minutes and proceeds to suck beyond belief for the next hour and a half. I guess I have only my self to blame for not ejecting this thing the minute that asshole Travolta belted out 'summer lovin', had me a blast'. Are you kidding me with that lyric? Another pointless annoying piece of shit".
Momma's don't let your babies grow up to not understand where to put their pistachio shells. And also don't let your babies grow up to procrastinate when they are supposed to pick up trash or they'll end up in jail where they won't get to have babies.
Sometimes if you get an e-mail explaining the beauty of kayaking to you and you write back and say, "You're right. I researched some of the more popular spots. My current favorite is the Alpine Lakes of the Smokies. It's like a sapphire necklace sparkling among the Southern Appalachians. The way those five Alpine lakes bejewel the high country just south of the Great Smoky's National Park made me feel as though I was seeing a kind of beauty not truly possible" you get a really angry e-mail back telling you that you're a waste of time. I just can't win at this X-treme stuff, they just won't let me in.
FRIDAY, MARCH 26, 2004
The Lakers play the Timberwolves tonight. Then The Clippers get their sloppy seconds on Sunday when they play The Timberwolves. The Clippers made it official last night with their loss to the Wizards that they have no shot of making the play offs. Same shit, different day. (There's something I never thought I would write, isn't that funny the little roads life takes you down? You go through life thinking retarded slogans that you see on bumper stickers will never sneak into your writing and surprise! All the sudden you're an idiot).
Pretty funny, that Randomer guy. Yeah, his column is more live than mine but somehow he included long drawn out stories from his childhood? If that's live I'll bring in my old term papers and post those.
If Bob K's fingers smell like poop it's because I rubbed the toilet cleaning brush on the keys of his computer this morning. On accident of course.
What does a vegan pirate do in jail? Staaaaaaaaarve!!!!!
CINEMA BIRD brings us another classic.
Bad News Bears (Walter Matthau, Tatum O'Neal, 1976)
"This movie is the biggest fucking sham. A group of kids that couldn't make the normal little league cut because they fucking shouldn't make the cut. They're a bunch of insecure no talent dumb shits. Fat, non-athletic, medical problems, cry me a river. I don't need to sit for an hour and 45 minutes and watch a group of useless assholes try and pull together a team. I was hoping after their first game when they got their asses whipped that the movie would just end but nope, that little fucker Tanner had to open his mouth and tell the coach, 'I don't want to quit, I want to play ball'. Well guess what? You act about as well as your character plays ball. Only in the movies would you be subjected to this sort of retarded fiction. Two thumbs up this movie's ass".
The Mez is out back in the parking lot with the leaf blower. We just handed it to him and said, "check out how cool this thing is". Once the parking lot is clean, we're going to show him how cool the shrink wrap machine is.
Smyth was feeling a little tired and in need of a pick-me-up so he grabbed a can of Skaterade. Turns out it was a little more than what he was looking for, he just needed Teamanagerade.
THURSDAY, MARCH 25, 2004
I can't hear your cowbells.
The Mez is being tricked back into his job at Girl and he doesn't even know it. Sam could have him packing team orders and The Mez would think they were just hanging out. He can run a cult but he can join one, too.
Not sure if Greg knows yet but with Staba taking over Crail Tap and Ruby, he could very well appoint himself General Manager. And change the name to Compound Distribution. Oh well, you win some and sometimes you get burnt. (That's a new version of that old saying, "You win some but most of the time Koston wins even if he has to cheat").
What's a pirates favorite kind of sox? Arrrrrrrgyle. Right, Lew?
I have decided to add a new item to my column called CINEMA BIRD. I watch movies and then review them as if I was Bird. Here's the first one: COCKTAIL (Starring Tom Cruise, 1998)
"This movie isn't fucking offensive at all if you don't feel insulted by having two hours of your life wasted on this useless pile of shit. The story sucked and I hope all the other people that tortured me in that movie have careers that failed. Piece of shit! Who wants to watch a fucking guy fall in love and tend bar in a Hawaiian shirt? Fuck everyone involved in this project".
Mikey saw The Passion of Christ. Holy confused!
Bob K just walked by in acid wash tight jeans with a Fourstar logo on the back pocket. Never mind.
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 24, 2004
The Lakers play the Sacramento Kings tonight. Shaq and Rickk both believe that Los Angeles is the capitol of California but it isn't. Some settler named Johann Augustus Sutter set up camp somewhere near the Sacramento river in 1839 after receiving a 48,000 acre land grant from then Governor Alvarado. The Gold Rush hit in 1848 and folks came flooding into the area. The rest is history. Sacramento was named the capitol in 1854.
Yep, the capitol of California is 383 miles north of where the NBA champs call home this year.
I'm playing a little game right now called "Did you just call me Sucka". I e-mailed Ty, Rick, Mike, The Gav and Spike and just put "Call me, Sucka". I am going to see who calls the fastest. It is basically to show The Randomer that he needs to surrender that "I'm so live it hurts" or whatever his new motto is and 1.3 minutes has passed and Ty just called, "tell that sucker I'm keepin' it live". Now The Gav called. Spike is probably asleep, Mikey's at pilates and Rickk....jail?
I wanted to call it "Did you just call me Fucker" but Ty gets too gnarly unless you're a 2 pound animal who's mom just got torn in two.
How many Newfies does it take to make a Chocolate chip cookie? One to hold the cookie and one to squeeze the rabbit.
Harsh Hair Update: Balding is in!
I know this sucks that I am doing this in my column but I need some filler. The nice folks at The Skateboard Mag sent us some plates that were pink and said "hot chocolate" all over them. They were really cool. There's only one problem, whoever is in charge of packing and shipping over there never heard of bubble wrap or the stories of how the UPS and Fed Ex guys couldn't give two shits about the word "fragile". So the plates were shipped to us in a plastic shipping bag, no padding, no bubble wrap, nothing.
The Skateboard Mag sent us 5 plates, we got one plate and a box of sand. Thanks and sorry that your shipping person got 92 on their SAT score.
The Gregulator brought Indian food in tupperware for lunch. Is that tough?
TUESDAY, MARCH 23, 2004
There were two tickets for floor seats on the internet yesterday for the LA/Sacto game on Wednesday and now they're gone. Darn it, I was going to buy those for Ako and Atiba for their birthday.
Spike is back for good from SF and these are the 3 most important things that he learned in Nor Cal:
1. Brian punches harder then Brad
2. You CAN bring hookers back from Thailand
3. He does not look HOT with a new romantic style hair cut
Guess who's going to jail? His name rhymes with Prick and he's Canadian. Oops, seems like it could be Crankers so here's another clue: He has line backer thighs. Now, that for sure isn't Crankers.
What would the ingredients in Blader Aide be? Not that funny. Sorry. It's hard to be funny everyday.
I guess the Randomer has a new motto, something about "no one keeps it more live". Might want to rethink that, buddy.
Dialing, ringing......It's the Gav....straight to voice mail. Probably thought it was someone wanting one of those backpacks that holds a 6 pack. Maybe no one does keep it more live.
MONDAY, MARCH 22, 2004
Pinched nerves, possums, websites, hair cuts, Spike escaping SF, medical insurance, hurt feelings and Fleetwood Mac lyrics all stood in the way of a solid interesting column. Sucks for you. And me because it reflects badly on me but the only difference is that I don't care. So basically it sucks for you. Eat it, prick.
FRIDAY, MARCH 19, 2004
The Lakers play The Clippers tonight. What if Kobe starts day dreaming and thinks he already got traded and starts making baskets for the Clippers? That's lame, sorry I wrote that.
Bird told me the other day, "I'm an asshole until you get to know me". Am I a bad friend for not coming out and telling him that really isn't true? What was I supposed to say? Oh well, maybe he really knows he's an asshole but he's in denial. That would be sort of cool. Actually, I think I might have that same problem.
One day closer to jail! Go Rickk!
The UPS rep asked what Greg Carroll's job here was and so I explained that he over sees everything, keeps people in line, bosses people around. And he goes, "Oh, sort of like Greg Brady". Weird, I don't remember Greg Brady with tats on his fingers, dancing all night and head butting people.
I just tried to get a car wash and they forgot my car was off to the side and after sitting there for 40 minutes, I decided to go see what the deal was. They said they put if off to the side because they were going to do something "special to the rims". So I said, "well, can I just have my keys because unlike you, I have to go do my job properly". Now I have a dirty car with big letters or some sort of code that they wrote on the windows in wax. Almost every one of my co-workers have come in to ask me "what happened to your car". Mikey just came in and asked me and after I told him the story he said, "that doesn't make sense". See why we keep him?
Hey Randomer, The Gregulator just passed through my office and threw me a chaka, now who's live? Prick. (Not you, Greg, The Randomer).
The Skate Fairy is going for a new launch. I didn't want to go back down this road but I got thanked for dropping it and so here we go again. It turns out that Ty will be delivering the videos even if you're uncool which is good. My band, BEATING A DEAD HORSE, will play at the launch party. And afterwards DJ KAYAK will be spinning records.
Did you know that I am responsible for all Bob K's success? It's true.
THURSDAY, MARCH 18, 2004
The Lakers beat the Clippers last night. But don't tell Rickk, he Tivo'd it and you'll blow it for him. They only beat them by three points so when The Clippers have Kobe, they will whip the life out of The Lakers. Same teams, same stadium on Friday night. Boring.
I'm not a hockey fan anymore, sorry. Hockey sucks. Seriously. Although I still might open a chain of "hockey themed" restaurants called The Penalty Box.
Another day has come and is going and guess who still hasn't put on their new $29 work boots from Target to go pick up trash with other common criminals? No, not Don Brown, Rickk. Why do today what you can end up in jail for in a month?
Gay Lee who used to be known as Prescription Lee left me a message last night around 10PM on my cell phone. It was sort of jumbled but with all this FCC stuff going on, I deleted it before he got into details. All I heard was, "Give me any name, any guys name at all and the first guy I see with that name I will go right up to him and..." and that's when I hit delete. Lord only knows what the rest of that message had in it. I haven't heard from him today but I'm pretty sure you can get cell phone reception in gay bath houses so Lee, call me and let me know that you're OK. Thanks, buddy.
I haven't seen this but from what I hear, The Gav put his head in a bee hive. "He's so swollen" is what a guy from Canada said about him. Get well soon, Timmy.
Ever heard Frosty do commercials on the radio? "Disturbing" seems like the appropriate word. Leaves you with a pretty unsettling feeling.
Correction from yesterday. Bob K's DJ name is DJ Vangrouver, DJ Montreal is the guy that gave Bob K his first gig. The other stuff was accurate, he and Bird like Skating and Art.
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 17, 2004
The Lakers are playing the Clippers tonight. Kobe can talk to the owner at half time about the trade. I just hope they can find that Versace rash guard in the right tone of red.
Happy St Patrick's Day. Did you know the Irish invented the first submarine with a sun roof? Kidding. That was a joke.
This isn't a joke: In 2000, 212 Irish inventors submitted inventions to the European Patent Office. I wonder if any of those were bubble free grip tape.
Rickk was supposed to start his tour of duty picking up trash alongside the beautiful So Cal highways today but has decided to "do it another day". I'm not psychic but let me take a guess at how this will turn out. The form with the information about where to meet to get on the bus to pick up trash will get misplaced, the dates will then be unknown and Rickk will not complete the service by the deadline. Months will go by and he will then be packed and ready to go on a trip, get pulled over and end up in jail. Much easier then picking up trash.
It turns out that Don Brown got word of Rickk's new marketing plan, committing misdemeanors, and jumped right on the band wagon. He couldn't get the cops to notice him littering so he destroyed some property and tried to start a sword fight with a security guard. Look for Don picking up trash along side a beautiful Tampa highway.
Ty just almost got hit by a car. (Now who's column is live, Randomer?).
Mikey's back and has now decided that he likes waking up at 6AM. He went to the park and ran laps and sorted through his mail. Just break out an apple, what happened to that guy? Come on, for the love of god, there are over 65 varieties of apples, you can think of something.
Bob K is DJing this Friday at Bird's party. I guess it's called SKART because they like to skate and they like art. Bob's DJ name is DJ Montreal and he said he spins mostly "hip and rare house music". Should be a pretty sweet little gathering. I'm sure they'll be posting the flyer.
TUESDAY, MARCH 16, 2004
The Lakers and Kobe's rash guard came through in the 4th quarter to beat The Magic last night. I don't think it's fair to make the Lakers play against magicians because they could cheat using all kinds of optical illusions. The only other NBA news that I know if is that Houston lost to Phoenix in over time.
You know what's weird? For months Bob K has been begging Megan to take a look at some book he illustrated and then he posts the book in his column and says Megan wrote it? I hope he doesn't get fired.
Next time you run into Spike, have him go over the time line of the years that MTV reinvented itself. It's remarkable, you'll just be hanging on his every word.
Crail Tap, the movie? That's right. It's going to be like the movie Speed but not on a bus.
I have to go help Bob pack his office up, bye.
FRIDAY, MARCH 12, 2004
The Lakers play the Timberwolves tonight and guess who's back from the injured list? The Mailman! Good thing it's actually Karl Malone and not the mailman that comes to Girl, that guys about 5'3", The Lakers could never win with him in the game. Hopefully Kobe can shed the spandex Versace under shirt for this game.
You know how boring getting stuck in traffic is, right? Well California residents can play a new game on the freeways! Which guy in the orange jumpsuit picking up trash is Rickk Howard! That's right, Rickk will be doing some community service for littering. He threw some pistachio shells out the window of his car and the judge is teaching Rickky a good lesson. Lucky for Rickk he's an "autumn" and looks awesome in Orange. I think this also may be grounds to dispute that "no one keeps it more real then Atiba".
Cal Trans jumpsuit on the side of the 405? Might be keepin' it just a touch more real. Sorry, Tibs.
Supra Pete explained the reason why the guy on the Canuck's sucker punched that other guy in the temple and made him fall to the ice and break his neck. You have to understand the hockey "code of ethics" but when you do, you'll see that the guy in the hospital with the broken neck totally had that coming. Did I mention Pete is a Canadian citizen?
I guess The Gav hurt his shoulder again because he hasn't been to the gym in four days. I can't blame him, the entire place smelled like ass this last week. Change your diapers before you worry about your bi-ceps.
Rumor has it that Bird got bored with The New Bird and has gone back to Bird. I'm not too bummed, The New Bird was making me nervous. I kept thinking he was going to scream "PSYCHE" and just take us all out in a blaze of bullets. Good to have the old reliable version back.
For the reocrd, the following things are currently at the top of Bird's ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME LIST:
2. Girl ripping off Lakai graphics
3. Ads printed the incorrect color
(That's not in the correct order).
THURSDAY, MARCH 11, 2004
The Lakers beat Boston last night even though Kobe had some sort of a rash guard on. I think Karl Malone needs a stylist. Jeans on a tall man are not a problem but you don't couple that with a western style jacket in the same denim. You just don't. Other than that, I think he's extremely hot.
Sorry about the cursing in yesterday's column. To make up for it I just wanted to remind people not to do crystal meth, it's actually very bad for you.
Harsh Hair Update: Staba cut Rickk's hair and now Rickk looks like Staba's older brother. Other than that, Bird grew a beard and The Gregulator has extra grease in his hair today.
I went on a website and read the lyrics to Mr Roboto by Styx. What a bunch of throbs those guys are. What does that song mean?
Ever work with someone that you have to keep telling them to fix things because they fuck all kinds of stuff up and you start to feel like you should get your job description back from The Gregulator and add to it: Take care of Bob K and make sure he gets his shit together. Yeah, I work with someone like that.
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 10, 2004
Sorry about the depressing feeling on The Tap the last few days. Not in my column, I mean Bob not changing the photo of the day.
Anyone catch the Lakers playing against the Jazz and the NBA refs the other night? Sort of hard to win when the refs are on the other team but they gave it their best shot. In honor of that loss, The Tap has bought Prescription Lee a membership to the Laker fan club. Lee will soon be getting the following items: A Lakers welcome letter, a 2003-2004 yearbook, Lakers 10 disc CD case, Lakers hard top mouse pad, 2 team newsletters, a Nerds rope (not that kind, the candy kind), a free Chalupa coupon and a Souplantation coupon. As if his life was already total splendor living in SD, now this? Don't tell him, it's a surprise!
The Lakers play Boston tonight so grab a beverage and cozy up on the couch. If you don't like basketball, you can always scout assholes in the crowd that will soon end up on the newest reality TV show.
Supra Pete? You gotta be proud of Canuck's that donkey punch other players and risk all your hopes of the Stanley Cup.....
The tape drive on the Girl server ceased up and now the server has to be junked. I just put that in there for the other company owners that like to read that sort of stuff and then make a call and say something like, "they are totally fucked, server down, it's curtains". Oops, I went from bitter company owner to a gangster in a 40's movie.
Total rager at Spike's on Sunday night. Keep in mind, once he gets you in the house, he convinces you you're too drunk to drive and the next thing you know, you're holed up in the guest room in a bed for little people.
Although SF is having a great effect on Spike, he's into embroidery, cutting his own hair and Cosmopolitan's, it's time to come home.
You know how we announced that Rickk and Mikey were going to have a civil union in SF? Well, they had a little falling out in Barcelona and it looked like things were called off. But then Rickk and Mikey (who have matching cars, so cute!) both had their batteries die at the same time. Call it a hassle, they called it a sign and the union is back on. We'll let you know where they register.
I'm back into trying to get Skateboarder Oliver on The Tap staff. I'm sort of unstable and the last time we reached out to him, he responded on a day that I was in a bad mood so I was over him. But in retrospect, we need some Euro-spice and we think Oliver can deliver. So, sorry Oliver about the bad attitude. If we don't hear from you by today at 5, we'll know that you have no objections and we'll put you on the staff.
Ever have a staff infection? We have.
Here's a Haiku for the person that sent me the e-mail titled DROP IT:
It is only green
Lime green like that of pee pee
The Skateboard Mag green
Wait, I actually have one more Haiku for you
Where is the fairy?
The Skate Fairy with the wings?
The cool kids know him
OK, Seacrest, out!
MONDAY, MARCH 8, 2004
I'm praying for you, Josh!
FRIDAY, MARCH 5, 2004
THURSDAY, MARCH 4, 2004
The Lakers kicked the royal shit out of the Rockets last night. (That was just for Bird. I wonder if he'll start dialing before he keeps reading). We barely won by 2 or 3 points. There truly is nothing like watching the game from the ab machine at Golds. You really get that, "I am a So Cal idiot" feeling that is like no other.
I took three years of Spanish and in my third year after the final, my mom picked me up from school. She asked how I did and I told her, "could have been French for all I know". Boy was she disappointed. I think she would be proud at how far I have come with the Spanish language. Lima Verde mean anything to anyone? She would be so so so proud. I wonder if the parents of the people that print The Skateboard Mag can say the same.
In Rickk's "office" he has a framed picture of an old Blockhead ad that is one of those old western photos, like the ones you take at a fair or carnival. Every time someone gets close to look at it, Rickk throws in, "that's Berra on the far left". Um, Rickk, he just has western clothes on and is holding a rifle, we can still tell who it is. It's not like you all have masks on of the Bonanza characters.
RIck also has a post it note that he keeps on his computer screen that just says, "Call Jake Phelps". I asked him one time why it is always there and he said, "you never know".
We're working on a time line to see exactly when it was that Mikey lost his apple like glow. We can't tell if it is the girlfriend or the purchase of a new home. Once we get the charts and graphs done, we'll let you know. From there we will begin to make him fun again. I actually got an e-mail asking me to stop calling him Mikey, "it sounds like he's 4 years old". Stop making my arguments for me before I get to even respond to your e-mail, Skip. And with a name like Skip, shouldn't you be worrying about other things, like maybe your name? You should change it to "Trip" and then I can hae Ty e-mail you back telling you "Don't trip, Trip".
Ever check your voice mail only to hear a message that just says, "Grow the fuck up"? It's weird, sort of unsettling at first and then you feel a little bit of a rush. Gross, I think that is how Mikey sells the apple trick to the ladies! Now I feel like the rush is gone and I just want to vomit.
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 3, 2004
Another Laker loss and no call from Bird. Whatever Bird, if you want to be the new "optimistic guy" go right ahead but the old you was way easier to talk shit on. I did get a call from The Gav after the game but that was to discuss how we should handle firing the cleaning person that we both have work for us. Tim came up with telling her that his girlfriends sister just started her own janitorial company and it would feel weird not to give her our business. Sure, sounds pretty reasonable. If you don't like that one, Timmy, maybe we can just e-mail her and tell her we were abducted by aliens and so we aren't concerned if our houses are clean.
I got the feeling yesterday after Bob K posted that quote by Megan so out of context that we don't get enough Bob K quotes. Here's a few recent ones:
"I've never had so much fun in my entire life".
Bob K on Skaties
Bob K on Bob K
"I wish the rest of the world was as wonderful as me".
Bob K on the rest of the world
I got an e-mail from a person from a certain organization telling me that no one beats something to death like we do at The Tap. She then went on to use us constantly mentioning the Lakai ad in the premier issue of The Skateboard Mag as another example of our "idiotic approach to solving things".
First, we were just about to stop mentioning the lime green ad in the premier issue of The Skateboard Mag and that no matter what, for the rest of history, we can not change that our ad was the wrong color. You're the one beating a dead horse.
Second, don't try and join forces with The Skateboard Mag and gang up on us. So eighth grade! Now who's juvenile?
TUESDAY, MARCH 2, 2004
The Lakers play the Hawks tonight. Not that exciting of a game unless you squint your eyes when you look at that Serbian guy, Zeljko Rebraca, and pretend Rickk hung out with Scott J for about a week and spent a bunch of time on his hair. Other than that, should just be a bunch of ball hogging.
Wouldn't it be cool if Brian Anderson and Bryan Adams switched jobs for a day? Staba would probably freak Bryan Adams out and it would be pretty weird to hear Brian Anderson sing that one song, HAVE YOU EVER REALLY LOVED A WOMAN. Especially that line at the end that goes, "when you love a woman, you tell her that she's really wanted. When you love a woman, you tell her that she's the one". Actually now that I read it again, might be really nice to see BA get all emo.
Did you know it was a Canadian that invented 5 Pin bowling? T.E. Ryan invented it in 1909. Man, Canada has been boring for that long? I mean, Canada has been pioneering pure fun for that long? Go Canada!
If you see Bob K and he looks sort of buff, it doesn't mean he joined Golds Gym. He joined Bob K's gym! Yep, the guy turned his apartment into a work out facility. He doesn't appear to be on the juice yet but Smyth is getting some steroids for the vending machine.
I have to go, I just ate a 1/4 bag of sugar babies and for some reason my stomach hurts. Weird.
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