ENTRY #375 The Lakers played the Nets last night. It was pretty cool because I guess Kobe heard why the other four guys in the same uniform as him were out there so he passed the ball a few times. He's such a cute little selfish bastard. The new Bird sucks. Seriously. I know for years we all wanted to see a kinder gentler Bird but it just doesn't work. He found a new place to live and he said he "felt like he won the lottery". The Lakers won last night and he called to see if I was stoked then when I said Kobe was a goof he said, "well at least he passed the ball a little more". Holy glass half full! Either it's a whole new Bird or it's like that thing in Mission Impossible and he is going to unzip his face and it isn't even really Bird. That would be trippy. Remember when I thought that my mention of angry message #2 might lead to another angry message? Well, it actually led to two more angry messages. The first message was really angry so I called back and told them that Sir James M Barre once said "Every time a child says 'I don't believe in fairies' there's a little fairy somewhere that falls dead". I was trying to use Bird's new tactic. Well, it failed. And the last e-mail I got said to drop dead and grow up. I guess I should grow up first, it would be too hard to try and drop dead and then grow up. I wonder if Greg would consider Sir James' quote for a Daily Dose. First let me say how flattered I am at the response to the "art" I've been posting. I'm very excited to announce I will be having my first art show this summer! I can hardly type through the tears. The show is called "Sketchy Sketches" and most of the pieces are already sold so it is mostly just so you can see the art up close and experience the beauty of it. I'll keep you posted on dates as well as who will be DJing. Bob K is going to Skaties tonight. No, not Friday, tonight. Good thing The Skateboard Mag budgeted for Atiba to go to Barcelona otherwise the Lakai team might have had to wait to see episodes of Elimidate. Thanks to the entire Skateboard Mag staff for making this trip to Spain one that the team will never ever forget. That pretty much makes up for printing the ad the wrong color in the premier issue of your magazine.
ENTRY #374 Nice game, Kobe. They put those other 4 guys in the same uniform as you on the court because they know how to play ball as well. There is no "I" in Lakers but there's one in Clippers. The new Kelly Bird sucks. First he sent photos to show how nice the place he stayed at in Spain was and then when the Lakers lost, he didn't even leave one of his dickish messages and he's been in this happy mood. It might be because he landed a new job as the VP of marketing somewhere but he's not keepin' it real. Bob K will be at Skaties again tonight so feel free to smack him. He cut his finger pretty bad yesterday so be careful when you hit him. I think the cut was karma because I think he's the guy that told Clive to go ahead and write those long stories in the Randoms but maybe not. And if you're not going to Skaties to smack Bob but are just going to hang out and party and might be interested in dating him, Bob likes long walks on the beach, big boobs and blonde hair. It's illegal to leave your Christmas tree in a construction site is what I heard. We've just been informed that Rickk performed a fruit bowl for the team in Spain. It really is so remarkable how he will step up to the plate to make up for how boring Mikey has become. Remember how fun it was to hear about Mikey and apples and see those photos of him wearing scarves and straw hats when he was single? We also found out that Rickk kicked Mikey out when Atiba arrived. Enjoy the fruit, Atiba. Smyth has come up with a new marketing plan for vending machine sales, it's called "vibing". Pretty effective stuff. The machine it out of Chex Mix so we might be closed on Monday if he doesn't get to Smart and Final today. Without the proper snacks, Girl as a company can not figure out who moved their cheese.
ENTRY #373
The Lakers play the Kings tonight. Go purple and pee pee green! Oops, I mean go Purple and Gold. Crail Tap is producing it's first Broadway production. It's based on the episode of SKATE that McCrank starred in. The working title for now is, "I DON'T WANT TO TELL YOU HOW TO WORK YOUR RUN, DUDE" but that could change. We're still in the early production stages but as you can imagine, it's going to be pretty spectacular. The first issue of The Skateboard Mag is out and getting rave reviews. Frosty gave it two thumbs up but Bird went the more formal route and bought leather bound gold embossed pantone chip books for the entire staff.
ENTRY #372 I think my hockey team beat the Canucks. Either that or they destroyed us, one or the other. And the Lakers are now in 5th place. Bird's back in! That's right, after some meetings here at The Tap we realized he supplies us with way too much material. We're going to be nice to him until Friday and then it's back to basics. Harsh Hair Update: Mettee got some sort of "go ahead and cut it just like George Clooney" style and Spike went ahead and saved that $20 and cut his own hair again. It looks emo with a rough edge. He did a nice job, he could easily convince people it's a salon cut. Saw some photos of the Lakai team in Spain and it looks like that gay marriage thing in San Francisco is going to come in as a nice little tax break for Rickk and Mikey. I think it will be so beautiful when the two of them adopt children and get to show the kids the photos of them traveling all around the world before they settled down, what a nice love story this all turned out to be. New sketches of The Gav will be coming soon due to the fact that he had liposuction in his cheeks and his head looks fairly normal right now. It was his first day back with the weights and it's hard to say what was more disturbing, his shaking hands or the huge pupils and white face.
ENTRY #371 The Lakers are still in like 7th place. You know what sucks? Bird and I aren't friends anymore. I "crossed the line" I guess. I guess he forgot whose name was on the one birthday present he got this year which I feel gives me a free "cross the line now and then" pass. Oh well. I guess we'll have to make friends with the DC team manager or maybe the Circa team manager because we have to have some material to take the place that Bird filled. I wonder if either of those team managers are really pissed off all the time or take their shirts off on the dance floor after about 6 beers or want to kick Yao Ming in the stomach when the Rockets lose. I guess we'll soon find out. It's going to suck but when the going gets tough, the tough get out of the kitchen. The Gav now thinks that going to soak in the hot tub at Golds counts as "working out". Weird. Did you know that pee pee green is the new pink? Lakai does. TWO ANGRY PHONE
MESSAGES IN ONE DAY: The Gregulator's going to Vegas for a day or so which means long lunches and hope that we can remember where we put the cheese, when to move it and which freight company is picking it up.
ENTRY #370 The Lakers are on a winning streak. Two games I think. We're in like 4th place, or 7th or 10th. Something like that. Megan's brother sat in the Girl seats on Friday night and got to hear the guy that owns the seats right next to them talk all night. I hope that guy wins the lottery and buys better seats so we don't ever have to hear him say things like, "I'm making so much money this year, I don't want the year to end". Really? Then take some of that money and buy floor seats, Chatty Kathy. Have you ever gone on a special mission to get some writing done only to find yourself drunk in the meat packing district at a salsa bar with people that you've only known for three hours? Have I mentioned how well the Lakai trip is going? I guess it rains roses everywhere they walk and they can float and walk on water now? Pretty awesome. Remember a couple of weeks ago when Bob K "tripped" and hit his "head" on the "sidewalk"? Well, "he did it again" this past weekend.
ENTRY #369
ENTRY #368
ENTRY #367 The Lakers beat the pants off the Trailblazers last night. With about 30 seconds left in the game, Kobe did a lay up at like 60mph and we won! I'm still a hockey fan though because you never know when the Lakers are going to let it all go to shit. In fact my NHL team, Detroit, is doing quite well. Supra Pete would agree as they are two spots in front of his team, The Canucks. You know what is odd?
Bob K usually doesn't comb his hair without posting it on The Tap but
somehow it slipped his mind to tell all of you that his art is being
featured at SKATIES this weekend. Seeing that he had to go to the hospital
yesterday because he has started exercising and he didn't recognize
what his body felt like with a little movement, I realized that maybe
he was just a little overwhelmed and wasn't his usual self. In typical Girl Distribution style, I offered to stand in for The Skate Fairy but I left without the videos. Luckily the first house I got to ended up being an uncool kid so I just gave him some old Gavin Pogo decks. That's what the uncool kids get tucked under their pillow. Can you make a note of that, Ty? If you get to a kids house and he's uncool, he gets a Gavin Pogo deck. Did you know if you skate for Lakai, when you travel you get to sleep on an air mattress? That sounds plush. I wonder if they give you blue chip stamps instead of per diem...
ENTRY #366 The Lakers play Portland tonight. Do you think there are people living in Oregon that have the e-mail address "notrailblazers@aol.com"? Ya know, just pure haters? Hmm. I won't be at the game tonight but Frosty will. He will be in section 105 so go say hi to him. That is one of his favorite things, people coming up to him while he is trying to watch a Laker game. It looks like I am going to be standing in for The Skate Fairy. Sort of sucks because I hate cool kids, they always have shitty attitudes. But someone has to tuck videos under those little pricks pillows. Ty? What's the deal? The Lakai video or The Skate Fairy? You can't have it all. You know why we hired Bob K? Because Canadians invented the AM radio, the IMAX projector and system, the telephone, the television, the zipper and the game Trivial Pursuit. They also invented really bad accents and the practice of pronouncing the word "house" to rhyme with moose but we take the good with the bad. We also hired him because he's a self starter. Or is it self promoter? One of those. The Gregulator has been out of the office for two days so no one here has any idea who moved their cheese. Spike is currently working on an essay titled, "My priorities, key word MY". It's about switching things around, for example meetings, to acommodate what is best for you and only you and not the people around you. We'll post it on The Tap when he finishes it. Right next to ASK MIKEY/ASK SPIKEY. More like ASK LAGGY!
ENTRY #365 The Lakers won yesterday. They had a bunch of different players on the team but they won. Oh, and Kobe announced he doesn't like Phil Jackson as a person. Some of the Girl employees might think Girl is an uncool company because we work on Presidents Day but most of them didn't vote for Bush so I didn't think they should have the day off. That's how it works right? Everything is going just fine with the Lakai team in Spain. No problems, no arguments, no temper tantrums, it's all going very well. It seems weird that with things going so incredibly well that Rick would again call Mikey a bitch. Hmm... Remember when everyone thought Megan was a dip shit because she wanted a Porsche? Well guess who stepped up to the plate to be an even bigger twit and get a Porsche? It's a secret, I don't want to bum Spike out. OK, stay cool.
ENTRY #364 The Lakers lost to the Rockets last night which might give Bird something to be happy about but probably not. Yao looks awesome and graceful on the court. You gotta be proud to be from Texas. I'm a Red Wings fan anyway so those losses don't really sting like they used to. I think our goalie is hurt with a sprained ankle. I'll find out and let you know. Guess who might be flying into your bedroom window tonight? That's right, The Skate Fairy. If you don't wake up with a copy of the Hot Chocolate video under your pillow it means you're not cool. Or it could mean that The Skate Fairy got hammered and tucked your copy of the video under the pillow of an uncool kid. That would suck. Last night when I was falling asleep I was listening to sports radio and I heard something about a soccer match where an American team was playing a team from some other country and they were chanting "Osama". And I thought that Rickk yelling "We're not playing Euro ball, Peja" at a Laker game was crossing the line. Pretty happy The Gav is back on The Tap. We had a nice little conversation about him heading to Chicago this weekend but before he went to the airport he had to stop at Rite Aid and get tampons, tooth paste, conditioner, shampoo and toilet paper. I think there was one thing in there I wasn't supposed to put on The Tap. I think it was the toilet paper. If someone out there
watches All My Children and wants to be my friend, send a letter to:
ENTRY #363 The Lakers beat the Heat last night but barely. Good thing there are no more games until after the All Star game, no more losses to suffer through. But how about those Heat dancers? Pretty awesome, right? The Lakai team is doing just great. Everything is going just as planned. The other day Bob K tried to get all tough and he goes, "well it's my word against yours" and I told him, "chill, bro, you're going to get hit with some heavy karma" and guess who has an infection in the wound on the side of their face? That's right, Bob Karma! If I have told him once I have told him a thousand times, just do what I say and don't be an asshole. But Bob can't do that and now he's at home curled up on the couch with an infected face. Get well soon, Bob. The Lakai trip to Spain is still going extremely well. Guess what tonight is? Wednesday night. That is the night I take to reflect on the stability of who I am and take a look around at my friends that are insecure and unsure of themselves and try to reassure them that things will get better. I know, it's just who I am. And it's a full time job. Lakai update: Everything's fine. You know the song "Momma's don't let your babies grow up to be Cowboys"? Someone should have written a song called "Momma's don't let your babies grow up and put TV's in the head rest of their cars" because the Gregulator might have heard that song and wouldn't be driving a rental car right now because his own car would still have the dash in it and then he would be driving that. What's up with the Rick's? O'Casek looks like he wears black eye liner, Shroeder was awesome in The Champ and Crankers is getting ready for three fun filled weeks down under. (Column note: we have put a two day ban on Howard and Raymond, details coming soon).
ENTRY #362 The Lakers play the Miami Heat tonight. The game is in Miami so it's a good chance to get a look at how hot the Heat dancers are. They look like they blast about 50% less make up in then the Laker girls. In an unprecedented move, we are lifting The Gav ban. We had a meeting and the The Tap board of directors does feel that although Tim on the cover of Surf Biz giving the thumbs up has wiped him out of The Tap hall of fame option for a life time, the guy is not so bad and needs to be a part of our effort. And last night when I asked him, "What sorts of weights are your lifting at home" and he went into graphic detail of each lifting position and the number of lifts he does in each position I said to myself, "there is too much material here to ban this guy". So welcome back, Timmy, we're on our way over with rims for the PT Cruiser! The Skate Fairy thing is coming together. Had to ditch the first engineer but now we're working with a guy that is basing the "flying" aspect of The Skate Fairy on Wendell Moore's rocket belt. When Wendell Moore built his rocket belt in the 1960's it only went 60MPH and would only get you 20 feet off the ground. The engineer we're working with feels like he can get something going that will get Ty 80 feet off the ground. (This is pretty important when you think about all the cool kids that live in high rises). Ty's wings are going to be sort of flush with his back, like a dirty house fly. The Lakai team is off to productive start in Spain with the first night consisting of getting hammered out of their minds and the second day consisting of everyone too hung over to skate. GO LAKAI! I can't imagine a more peaceful atmosphere to nurse a hang over then in a house with Pos K.
ENTRY #361 The Lakers have the night off tonight so they can't win or lose. Get it? Heading to Barcelona on the flight that lands when Bird's flight takes off back to the states: BA, Staba, Gino, Tony and Kenny. Bird wears some cologne that they are allergic to, scent of bad attitude perhaps? Smyth went to SF this
weekend to try and get in the "Black Eye Gang" only to find out that
Spike has decided to stop the nonsense and finish his writing project.
What I did was explain to Spike how responsibility works and I also
gave him a long talk about focus and applying himself. If he fucks up
again, we'll let you know. Chick was mistaken for a girl at the groomer and now has pink bows in HIS hair. Take a look, Pet Smart, he has a weiner! Have you ever been faced with a big Valentines day and an NBA all star game in one weekend? Good, then you'll understand.
ENTRY #360 The Lakers wear purple and gold. This column needs
to be super special today because it didn't get updated yesterday. I
remember one time when I was turning in a book report a day late when
I was a kid and the teacher said, "well, make it worth the wait". So
I did a karate demonstration with my book report. I'm not sure if I
made it worth the wait but I did alienate myself from class mates and
my older sister for about a good year. MJ came by today and explained that we didn't need to poison ourselves with the spray the exterminator used to get rid of the termites. MJ said heat works to get rid of them. Marcy Marc? That's like showing up right after the Titanic went down and telling them about the iceberg. Do you ever feel really stable and are surrounded with friends that are pathetic and frail and could topple at any moment? Cheers! Speaking of british toasts, Oliver and my friendship lasted all of one week. He e-mailed me and mentioned the show "Survivor" which sent a red alert, he's being brain washed by The Mez. If that is the case, I figured it wouldn't be long until he was wearing flip flops, surfer jeans and getting a tan. I decided to cut my losses and not pursue Oliver as part of The Tap. I might change my mind if he says something really "british" on my voice mail. Well, I think we all agree this column is totally off the charts today so I have to go.
ENTRY #359 The Lakers play the Pacers tonight. Just kidding, they already played them a couple of nights ago. Isn't this column a riot? I'm feeling incredibly stable today, can you say the same? The Skate Fairy is literally missing. I have a feeling the engineer showed up at Ty's to fit him for the wings and Ty talked him into letting him take them for a test run. Kids, if a guy without a shirt on comes through your window with a copy of The Hot Chocolate Tour in his hand, don't shoot him, it's the actual Skate Fairy and he's only there because you're cool. Now, if you're uncool and you know that for a fact and a guy comes through your window without a shirt on you might be tripping on bad mushrooms or about to get violated. Had lunch today with Bird. The guys not afraid to clean the plates of anyone not up to finishing their food. Rickk was there as well as some guy I didn't really know. The Brad, Spike, BA, MJ traveling magic show will be joined tomorrow by Sam Smyth. In an effort to be one step ahead of the fashion curve, Sam has switched his entire wardrobe to camo. If you only see the Incredible Four, it's probably because Sam is blending into the terrain. I have to go, Bob K is getting his hair highlighted and he always gets so nervous right before that he has to take a sedative and I have to drive him to the appointment. Ta Ta!
ENTRY #358 Shaq said "Fuck" on
live television and said some stuff about David Stern so they suspended
him for a game. Since Kobe is out and Karl Malone is out we got beat
again last night. Sad, right? And then there's a Yao Ming billboard
on Western that Bird probably put up announcing the NBA All Star Game.
Frosty is getting
really excited for his trip down under! He keeps having BBQ's so he
can ask someone to "throw a shrimp on the barby" and he bought Ugg boots.
Smyth is taking Friday off so he can meet up with Raymond, BA and MJ who are in the process of helping Spike get his writing done. Right. Rickk bought some new khaki pants that seemed a bit tight. Unless the full frontal package look came back in and then in that case, they're a perfect fit. Mikey just admitted a minute ago that the stuff he stresses on is not important. What happened to good ol' Mike Carroll with the weight of the world on his shoulders? So lame. Logical and Calm don't work for him, it's like wearing turquoise blue if your stylist tells you you're an "autumn" person. The current Barcelona
"on the fence" line up:
ENTRY #357 Lakers beat the Raptors. Remember that funny thing that I wrote about if the Lakers really had to play against giant dinosaurs? I don't even have to post anything today, just read back columns and crack yourself up.
ENTRY #356 The Lakers bench should
be converted into a huge crib where they can just be rocked back and
fourth while the game is going on. Now Kobe is hurt again, supposedly
he had to get ten stitches in his hand because he put his hand through
a glass window while cleaning out the garage. Bunch of babies. If the
season wasn't so close to ending, I'd so be a football fan with an old
friend of mine that has a big head and golfs a lot. Speaking of basketball, the young Emmet Jenkins sunk six baskets the other night in his game. It's going to be so great in about 4 years when Emmet can dunk on Tremaine. Not that dunking on Tremaine is something that we all have yet to do but it will make up for the time that he told Papa Jenkins, in Jenkins own home after he had fed Jeff dinner, that he played a 5'10" game of basket ball. Being 6'1", Jenkins was a little offended. The funny thing is that Jeff plays a 4'10" game AND he's a bully. I'm going to give him two black eyes next time I see him. Here's a list of people
that Bird did not invite to Spain but are going:
ENTRY #354 The Lakers play The T-wolves tonight and guess who doesn't care? We can burn incense again in the building and Tony and Rob are the only ones that care. Frosty might lose a week of his life but we all care about that. The refrigerator in the warehouse keeps things so cold, It's a newer model Admiral. Maybe Sam can take a picture of it and the Ringer will post the photo. Bob K would care.
ENTRY #353 Can't really update
the column today, been so busy with this Skate Fairy thing. The engineer
that we brought in to build the wings was a little frustrated with the
fact that Ty won't wear a shirt. He feels like the wings would fit more
comfortably if they were attached to a sort of vest but it's too risky.
What if on a day that Ty just can't put a shirt on we find out about
a cool kid that needs a DVD tucked under his pillow? Other than that just looking forward to that half time of The Super Bowl where the lingerie models play a game of football. Go humans!
ENTRY #354 The Lakers play tonight
but who cares? I like how mad you people get now that I talk about hockey.
It's just fun to talk about hockey especially when The Lakers look like
they could lose to the Podium Posse. The Ducks play The Kings tonight
which is pretty exciting stuff. I should cheer for LA but aren't I a
Boston fan? E-mail me and let me know, haters. This Skate Fairy thing is keeping us busy. Ty doesn't want to Skysurf so even though to most of you, fairies are make believe, everything is possible at Crail and Ty will be The Skate Fairy. So far we have an engineer working on his wings. Since Ty will be flying into the rooms of only the cool kids, he needs to have control of speed, range and stability to assure safety for the cool kids. No one wants to fly into a cool kids room and bash him in the head with a bad wing before he tucks a DVD under his pillow. Cory will just be the wind beneath Ty's wings for now. Megan got in trouble because of the asshole that writes this column. Someone told her to tell Crail to stop beating a dead horse which she did only to get another call asking if there was "actually any business going on at Girl". Megan tried to lighten the conversation by saying, "well, I guess from what you are telling me is on Crail, it sounds like some funny business is going on" but the person on the other end didn't laugh which they shouldn't because that is not at all funny. Megan said, "sorry, I'll tell them to stop" and offered them a copy of Spike's DVD and a rain check on Beef Beats. Olive branches come in all shapes and colors. Do you know what BASE jumping stands for BUILDING, ANTENNAE, SPAN and EARTH? X-treme organizations know that but the average Tapper is so lame. Nice Try, Bob K, trying to pin that idea of The Best Places in LA or whatever it was off on me. If you don't feel confident with your content, that is your own shit to deal with but don't put lame stuff out there and then be all, "oh The Ringer blah blah blah". I have enough shit to deal with already. How would you like it if I was all "I was going to write about some hair styles because that's what The Randomer might do but I don't know..."?. Not so funny when I turn that around. Smyth looked awesome today in a skin tight t-shirt that Atiba gave him.
ENTRY #353 The Lakers are so good. Whatever, I am so sick of the stupid emails I get that I am almost ready to become a Mighty Ducks fan. Spike has season seats which he probably wouldn't want people to know but whatever. He's a "celebrated hockey fan". Yesterday I almost felt like I hated Shaq but today I realize it was just the day I was having and my outlook on things. (Is this a journal or a column on a 2nd rate website?). So I've been looking into this Skate Fairy thing for Ty and it looks like he is going to have to take up Skysurfing if he is going to fly into the rooms of only the cool kids to tuck DVD's under their pillows. From what I have researched, fairies are make believe. The only thing is, after much research, I also found out that it is much safer to Skysurf with a partner. You know what Luciano De Crescenzo said, "we are each of us angels with only one wing and we can fly only by embracing each other". (Don't try and rip that off for a Daily Dose, Gregulator). Ty's partner in Skysurfing will be the celebrated director Cory Weincheque. Get ready, Cool Kids, a heavy handed guy with calves that look like that of an NFL player and a vegan are going to be paying you a little visit. I got an e-mail from
a certain X-treme organization asking why I must beat a dead horse.
I've never even seen a dead horse so chill with the accusations. I've
seen a dead cat and I have seen a dead mouse caught in one of those
jelly traps. I have also seen a hampster being born while his mother
was on the exercise wheel in a Habitrail and then hit the side of the
cage and die. I literally saw that hampster's entire life flash before
my eyes. Not sure if the girl that stalks Rickk at The Slam City Jam checks the site but I thought you should know before you make the drive this year that he has really really bad athletes foot. The kind where your feet peel and they look swollen and sketchy. From the ankles up, total hunk.
ENTRY #352 Too busy, check back tomorrow. Or just never check this column again.
ENTRY #351 Hockey is for haters. I just want to point out to people that are trying to better themselves, as I am, that just because someone once had a disgusting and revolting looking ingrown toe nail does not mean years later they have gross feet. That could have been the old self absorbed gross version of the person and not the new open minded considerate person they are now. Harshest Hair Update: The Mez took some old photos of The Jam to the hairdresser and now is looking to drum for an indy band. Nice thing to do AFTER you get married. Maybe if The Mez had given Diana a little heads up on what was to come she could have pretended she was just going to visit friends one weekend in SF and then just moved to another country. That's just an idea, Diana. Not hiring Oliver. I wanted to hire him to vibe other people that work at Girl but when I sent him an e-mail to try and get the negotiations going he was all up tight and stuffy in his reply. He even included a link to some "polite" website. Whatever. The Gav is spreading rumors that he is has gotten a new sponsor and I contacted the company he mentioned only to be told "we did contact Tim in regards to his coverage in Skate Biz however we were just trying to see if he had been enlisted any world record books for the size of his skull".
ENTRY #350 Dude, if you're a Laker fan, you're bummin' out. I'm like so hockey, it's crazy. It would be cool if
someone could think of a way to put some sort of coating on your teeth
so that you don't get a cavity in every single tooth and then have to
get them capped later because some of the cavities were from when you
were about 7 years old. Just wanted to bid farewell to The Gav. Ever since being on Team Crail together we had gotten really close. Joined a gym together and supported each other while we were coming down off steroids. Take care, Tim and remember even though you got kicked off Team Crail at least they aren't stuck with a bunch of your old boards like the last sponsor you had. Love you, Facial. Jenkins needs to
teach Emmet to "massage" the truth. I called the Jenkins Castle at about
6PM and Emmet goes, "he's taking a nap". I think Andy should offer Emmet
$2 for each call that comes in and Emmet tells the caller, "My dad has
the engine out of the car right now and is rebuilding it, can he call
you back"?. So much better then "he's taking a nap". Still working on the offer for Oliver from Skateboarder. Sort of lame to steal someone from The Mez but since The Mez is so laid back now with his new look, nothing can really effect him. That crazy contest is coming soon! (Don't get skeered, Bob K, it's all good).
ENTRY #349 The Lakers play The
Grizzlies tonight so I guess Supra Pete is probably out stocking up
on Ketchup chips and other snacks. The Skate Fairy hasn't eaten any animal products since May. I wonder if that angry guy at a certain X-treme organization knew he was freaking out on a vegan when he got all pissed off at Ty. Probably not, everyone knows you don't come at a vegan all extreme and shit. Bob K and Sam formed
a support group for kids that grew up with friends that were full of
shit. Sam seems like he is just there to share but Bob K is fucked up.
He had a friend that told him he had a pool and then he went to the
kids house and was like "where's the pool" and the kid was like "chill
out Bob K, I don't have a pool, fool". I want to try and hire that guy Oliver away from Skateboarder to work here at Girl. I want him to walk around and make people feel stupid with his accent and call people "Pikey's". And I want him to just sort of look down his nose at Mikey when Mikey is eating Taco Bell and look disgusted when Rick changes his pants in the warehouse. I wonder what something like that would pay. I'll figure it out, I'm the smartest person in this building. Cucumbers and cheese on a stick? Yep.
ENTRY #348 I'm not a hockey fan
anymore. They fight too much AND I saw some old footage of "my team"
going into the stands after some fans and beating them up. I'm not going
to follow a sport where I never know if the player is going to come
off the court and kick my ass. The Skate Fairy is weighing in at about 110 right now. Pretty soon we can fly him into the bedrooms of all the cool kids to tuck videos under their pillows on a kite. Or maybe on one of those remote control gliders. You know how the Randoms
guy always has contests? He's so cool. Anyway, I was going to have a
contest in my little column. I was going to have people try and prove
they had more body hair then Mikey. Can someone send me Oliver from Skateboarder's email address? Cheers. What's up with the Aaron's? Meza is taking on this "I'm married, mellow and mature" look and Carter is almost as lame as his big brother Nick. Just give him time, I'm sure with Nick Carter as a role model you really can not avoid becoming a total dick.
ENTRY #347 Read the Randoms.
ENTRY #346 A weird looking group of dudes stole the Lakers uniforms and are playing the Sacramento Kings right now. Who cares? I think the Lakers are winning but I can't see the score. Tomorrow morning we will check with Rickk and Ty and see if Scuba Lee's "special pills" are more powerful after they fall on the floor of the Girl warehouse, Ty licks them then Scuba Lee skates with the "special pill" in his pocket while he sweats for two hours. If they don't make you sleep, they might give you an STD. BA weighed in on Spike's dinner party. Although the "celebrated director" told the guests it was formal, he chose to wear size 28 Fourstar pants and a size small t-shirt. "Formal" has many meanings. So does "celebrated director", right Ty? What's up with The Rick's? Raymond has taken on a new lifestyle that is going to get expensive due to country clubs and racquetball, Crankers is trying to think what other tattoo goes well with a monkey tattoo and Howard is 7 days into holding a grudge against Atiba. The standard Howard grudge lasts about 24 months so looks like a fun trip in Spain for one of the Jefferson brothers. Harsh Hair Update: Meza is claiming his hair is product and style free. Uh huh, right, that perfect layering and shine are just from the natural sunlight, right? And then there's Frosty, his hair looks beautiful, it takes your breath away.
ENTRY #345 Folks, you lose yourself
in a haze of Laker hate and you miss my point. I didn't say Kobe was
NOT GUILTY I said a bunch of country bumpkins shouting "GUILTY" in an
arena in the city where you are going to stand trial for a crime it
not a good sign. That's all, see? It turns out that
a particular "X-treme" organization does not, I repeat, does not think
Spike or Rickk are assholes at all. Just Ty and Megan. This "X-treme"
organization thinks Spike and Rickk are innocent parties that "collaborated
with two certain assholes". So let's do a quick asshole rating as seen
by a certain "X-treme" organization: I have to go, Golds and The Gav are waiting. Why not work out in leisure slacks?
ENTRY #344 The Lakers play Denver
tonight. I wonder if the team is going to chant "guilty" like their
inbred fans did when The Lakers played there last. Nothing says you're
going to get a fair trial in a city more then an auditorium chanting
guilty. Not saying he's not guilty just going over some judicial issues
with you. Funyuns suck. We have
them in the snack machine here at Girl and I have always hated them
since I was a kid. Once when I was like 12 I bought a bag of them after
school, you know, to sort of mix it up. I was buying BBQ chips everyday
so I decided to get nutty and get Funyuns. Yep, that's what happens
in Torrance when you're growing up, you switch snacks to make yourself
feel like there is light at the end of the tunnel. Bird Attitude Report (now known as BAR): He doesn't have a bad attitude, he's just a lot smarter then you so he has no patience for anything. This will be the last posting of The BAR because it turns out Bird is fine and you all suck so take your stupid ideas and your lame ass thoughts and shove them up your ass. There's still time to get a seat at Spike's dinner party tonight if you are in the SF area. I know the line up sounded a little weird before but he just added Bubbles, Michael Jackson's old chimp and Elizabeth Taylor. Speaking of Spike, is he starting his own magazine? Admit it, Spike!
ENTRY #343 The Lakers managed to get another win without Shaq and Malone. Kobe hurt his shoulder in the game and Rickk almost ended up in a hotel room with strippers. All's well that ends well. What? That would have only made sense if Kobe HAD NOT hurt his shoulder and Rickk HAD ended up with the strippers. Sometimes I just like to use "old sayings" so that is why I wrote that. I'm old school... so to speak. A lot of you have
contacted me lately concerned about Bird's attitude and approach towards
life. I did some research and it seems like I have a couple of solutions
to solve the problem. We could hire a Life Coach for Bird. This person
would work to help Bird "with his human relations in general as well
as changing his perceptions of people and his entire outlook. We will
work with him on his mood swings and shed light on why he gets so easily
frustrated". This Skate Fairy thing
is really bumming me out. I'm trying to help Ty build wings and he doesn't
understand that the weight of the 12 pack of Bud Light is going to screw
the entire invention. Did you ever see that episode of Facts of Life where the sort of tom-boyish girl is going to see some soap star at the mall and he is from a soap opera that the other girl on the show, Tooty or Trudy or whatever her name was, is really into and she forgets to invite Trudy or Tooty or whatever? I think Atiba saw that episode. The votes are in and
in order, according to a very X-treme organization, this is the asshole
rating: If you're in the San Francisco area on Wednesday evening, you will want to drop by Spike's dinner party. At last check the line up was Staba, BA, Carly Simon, Al Gore, Alice Cooper and Whitney Houston.
ENTRY #342 Lakers play the Pacers
tonight but Karl and Shaq are still out. It's weird, I ran a 10K for
charity one time with a shin injury but Shaq can't show up for a game
that he gets about $400K for. Did I mention mine was for charity and
I didn't make a thin dime? I guess that is just the difference in our
determination. Scuba Lee, since you're going to be in SD all weekend with all the trade show hoopla, you might want to check out two new bands down there. One is called Hollands Hope and the other is White Widow. They both rock. Oh, and that space you offered me on your couch between a coconut bong and some old roach clips lost in the cushions, I passed that on to Bird. He doesn't ring the bell or knock, just listen for the echo of the words, "are you fucking kidding me with this parking situation...". That means he's there. Not sure if I have the details straight on this but Koston is playing Bosley in the next Charlie's Angels movie. I think, I could have some of the details mixed up. What's up with the Rick's? Crankers is trying to keep warm, Raymond is being all vegan with Spike and Howard spent his Saturday night going to an art show, then an art bar, then an art house and now he's in an art department meeting. One of the Rick's is artsy, can you guess who?
ENTRY #341 Bird, get your speed
dial set up because if/when The Lakers lose tonight, it will be awesome
to hear Rickk run back through those names he called you that last time
you left a message at the buzzer at the end of the game. Those X-treme people that helped us to know that we had our heads up our ass also told me today that "Girl is missing an oppurtunity for a reason we can not begin to understand". No shit, we have been doing that for ten years, it's some sort of voodoo miracle that we're even still here. The Skate Fairy is keeping weird hours again. But leave your window open a bit because he might fly in and leave a copy of The Hot Chocolate Tour DVD when it is done next month. What's up with the Anderson's? Kenny is skating the Girl Park and Brian is taking Spike to high end fashion boutiques in the SF area. One more day until The Gav is back at Gold's Gym with Meg! He's going to be so ripped by the middle of February.
ENTRY #340 I'm sure glad I'm a hockey fan now or that Laker game last night in Denver would have taken a lot more then a few Lee Dupont "special pills" to get me through the night. Yep, other than the Boston Bruins ruining the 12 game home winning streak we were on, pretty awesome to be a Red Wings fan. Go Motor City! Someone asked me to stop talking about Lee Dupont. Bummer because I wanted to find out from Lee if he likes to refer to marijuana as pot, herb, weed, grass, widow or ganja. And I wanted to ask him if he knew that Bubble Gum, Northern Lights, Juicy Fruit and Afghani #1 were not new SD bands that I thought he should go see but trademarked names for different strains of marijuana. But if you want me to stop talking about him, fine, your loss. Some company called Dalsa based in Waterloo Ontario that manufactures electronics and semiconductors are the ones that manufactured the sensor chips used to transmit the images of the red planet's surface sent this week by the Mars Exploration Rover Spirit. And you thought the best things that came out of Canada were Crankers, Rickk and Smarties. Bob K is now free-lancing as an "X-employee locator". Basically for a pretty decent price, he'll find out where all your past employees are working now. He's good, too. He'll find them within like two years.
ENTRY #339 Holy Shit. Did you see that Laker game last night? I was just glad to be rooting for Minnesota because of Mad Dog or I would have been bumming all night. But I wasn't. I slept like a baby or someone that had taken those "special pills" that only Lee Dupont seems to be able to supply. Supra Pete has cut his friend circle down to just Bird. This is fine with everyone but it seems like it's going to be hard to get Pete's wife to feel comfortable going out for dinner and drinks and then watching Bird dance with his shirt off until the club lights come on. Speaking of Bird, he is about to set sail to live in Spain for a month with a bunch of whiny babies, I mean the Lakai team. Bob K thinks he can not be fired just because he hid gas cans from the cops when Spike was filming stuff without a permit. That's funny. After being told that we have our heads up our asses by an "Extreme" group, Ty is now known as The Skate Fairy. Not in a bad way, like he's feminine or anything, in a really good way, like he can grant wishes and fly and stuff.
ENTRY #338 1/2 The Lakers might lose tonight but they might win but that isn't what's important. What IS important is that we get to the bottom of the "special pills" Scuba Lee brought to Ty after Ty didn't sleep for two days. Were they special pills from another country? How did they get here? Did Mikey or Rickk bring them? If they did then why did Scuba Lee bring them to Ty? We need answers.
ENTRY #338 David Wells got traded to The San Diego Padres so I'm a Padres fan again. Yep. If you're in the SF area and you see a guy skating around that looks like Sean Penn from Falcon and The Snowman, it's Spike, he's moving to SF for a few months to try and get a sequence in Thrasher. And if you see him with a guy that looks like the cowboy with the creepy mustache from most gay porno's, that means Rickk flew up to visit him. Don't be skeered, they might be rocking some harsh style right now but they're a friendly little duo. We should have brought
this to you sooner but here are some of the resolutions we made around
here for 2004: Bob K told me today that the worst day fishing is better then the best day working and I told him that the two best days to own a boat are the first and the last and then Bob said he would be upstairs and I said that was cool and I would talk to him later. It's pretty punk rock around here, seriously. Girl is having another
Open House. I think it was Rick's idea or maybe Greg, who knows. Either
way, there is going to be food and Mikey's IPOD and video previews and
slide shows and live doves flying out of our team managers butt. Maybe
not the butt thing, i was just trying to spice it up.
ENTRY #337 One good thing about The Lakers having the night off is they can't lose. I think it's weird that Rickk called Bird a prick, an asshole and a loser and then told Bird he wasn't pissed at him. Those are sort of weird words to use to show affection. Hmm... It's a pretty cool deal we worked out with The Skateboard Mag, we are paying them in candy. I think a spread is like 2000 tangy tarts. That's pretty much it. Sorry.
ENTRY #336 The Lakers lost last
night. It was sad. It was GP's first time back to Seattle as a Laker.
Everything about it was sad. But the very saddest part about it was
Bird's phone call to Rickk right when the clock ran out. Bird put it
all in a neat little quick witted package by leaving Rickk a message
simply saying, "a little premature on that finger wag" referring to
Kobe's gesture earlier in the game. Hey Lee Dupont, did you know that marijuana is the most commonly used illicit drug in the US? Did you know that it is explained in science books as a dry shredded brown mix of flowers, stems, seeds and leaves of the hemp plant Cannabis sativa? Did you know that in its concentrated resinous form it is called hashish? I knew you did, I was just pulling your leg. I'm sure any of you that saw the review of YEAH RIGHT on the Amazon site saw that we are soon to introduce Rick Mcrank's cousin from Yellowknife, Rich McCrank. I guess Ty has some footage of him from a trip that Rick, Rickk, Rrick, Rich and Ty went on last summer to Regina. Stay tuned, he's a little ripper. A lot of you have been looking for The Gav lately. The best way to find Tim is to just do a Google search of where Phish is playing. You will also be treated to fun facts like Trey Anastasio appearing on 5 songs on Dave Matthews solo album, Some Devil. And then once you find this stuff out you sort of say to yourself, "I really don't need to find Tim that bad". Don't tell Tim but Hime's girl shares the sentiment of so many of The Gav's friends, PHUCK PHISH. Just kidding, she totally likes them, she was just busy New Years Eve and couldn't make the seven stop tour Tim invited her on. Seriously Tim, I made all that up, she's tie dying a tank top and dreading her hair as I type.
ENTRY #335 The Lakers play tonight but I have no idea who they play. I'm totally slippin'. Bird's on cloud 9 right now since the announcement of the 2nd highest rate of obesity in a single city is Houston. Congratulations Bird. You'd think I would have time to write more but I don't, I'm totally busy.
ENTRY #334 You know how the Randomer
and I always say this column is going to be better later because we
are busy or something and then you check back and you're like, "Fuck
these inconsistent pricks"? The only other thing
that I really have for you is that Lee Dupont has changed his name to
Extreme Lee. Sort of weird but we have to accept him for who he is.
Stay cool.
ENTRY #333 The MRI came back on Karl Malone and it had GOOD KARMA written all over it! No ligament tear so he's in and ready for the ring. Something else came in with the word KARMA on it but it had the word BAD in front of it. It was the star we bought for Supra Pete. Some of you might remember him by his old name, Red Dragon Pete or Mini Truck Pete. Either way, we bought him one of those stars in the sky that you can purchase and give a name to. Wish up on it tonight, Petey. Anything new at Crownfarmer, Bob K? Just checking, be-yotch! Is it odd that you can draw a direct connection between the mood swings of the Art Dump and deadline? It's like a weird "female cycle" only with men. Big tough tattooed men. Except for Bob K, he's afraid of needles. Anything new at Crownfarmer yet? Bob? t-shirts? Coughing attack... out.
ENTRY #332 I'm so glad that I'm
into hockey now and that I'm a Detroit fan. Imagine if I was a Canucks
fan? They just lost 3-1 to the Stars! That has to suck. I think Bird and me are in a fight. When we don't talk for more then 48 hours, one of us is pissed at the other one. I'm not mad at him so he must be pissed at me. I'm not the one that dumped beer on him when he was wearing ladies shorts so what could it be? A couple things The Randomer forgot to mention about the Girl holiday party: Scott Johnston felt like a track suit was appropriate attire, Rick, Spike and Girard think they know how to dance and Smyth told his pizza story... for the 5th party in a row. After driving Rick's car the other night, Spike realizes that Rick and Mikey were really on to something when they got those matching Escalades. The thrill Spike felt as he pulled into the club parking lot with JayZ so loud he couldn't hear what the parking attendant was telling him, such joy. Only problem is, they're about to get rid of them. I think they should do something really wacky this time like Mikey getting a black car and Rick getting a bronze colored one. Or maybe Spike can get in on this one and they can get red, white and blue. That would only slightly rule. So I guess Sanger is getting bombarded with mail for me. You know what? Just save your time and Sanger's and don't even e-mail him. It is such a sad waste of time. What would it be that you wanted to call me to the carpet on? Do the hair updates bother you or the discussion of MJ's taint? Do you not want to hear about The Lakers? Does it get on your nerves when I talk about The Gav looking like the guy on the Alaska Airlines planes? Bummed about the details of Hime and spinning? Don't care about Rick and Mike? Don't want to hear about Bird being an ass? Seriously, go to one of Sanger's links and contact them, they might care and you might not seem like a complete loser for letting the things that are near and dear to my heart ruffle your feathers. Scuba Lee tried to
make up for the fact that I could have him put behind bars by bringing
me a nice bottle of red wine the other night. I have to think about
it but I want to let the Jefferson brothers and Ty know that you don't
want to be brought down by a loadie. If your buddy wants to blaze up,
he's not really your buddy. If you take away the wine and the bloody mary's, I'm straight edge.
ENTRY #331 I thought this column was going to suck today because I have the flu but I was totally wrong.
ENTRY #330 No Laker update today.
Maybe not tomorrow either. After discovering I was boring I have decided
to become a hockey fan. Everyone likes basketball, that's boring. But
Hockey is a true "asshole spectator" sport. Assholes are exciting and
interesting and they keep your attention. And since I have no soul why
go with my local team? They're in 3rd! I can't cheer for a team in 3rd!
That's why I'm a Detroit fan because they're in 1st!
ENTRY #329 Maybe if Rick Fox was working on his defense and not posted up at Joseph's with Cranberry Vodka's in his hand The Lakers might not look like The Sparks when they go to Portland next time. Atiba has some sort of traveling photo show of his work going on right now. Spike saw it at a bowling alley and Rick saw it at a local burger spot. Maybe that one guy was right, maybe no one does keep it more real than Atiba. No ragging on The Gav today, he has violent diarrhea. I just got a call, I have to go.
ENTRY #328 The Lakers are still in first despite all efforts from the guys that "officiate" the game. I had to put a ban on Arizona for The Tap and now there is a chance that I have to ban Massachusetts. That would suck. There are a lot of people that hail from that great state that we at The Tap really love but one bad apple can spoil the whole bunch, pal. We'll keep you posted. It's weird that Saddam Hussein had $750,000 on him when the US military found him and he still got caught. He should have hired a trend forecaster and then he would have been one step ahead of everyone. I heard that fugitives are stoked sometimes when they get caught because they are just like, "Fuck, good, take me in. I'm tired of looking over my shoulder all the time". If you are having
a company holiday party this year, look for Scuba Lee. He has decided
that manners are too hard to keep track of and invited himself to the
Girl Holiday Bash. Due to the pinky swear, Scuba Lee is welcome at all
Girl company events for the next 14 years. At that time, he will need
to be jumped back in by Ty. Do you smell what
The Gav has cooking? That's right, he's back at the gym and looking
quite buff. Bird claims this is a bad idea as he tried getting into
weight lifting when he lived in SD. He claims the muscle turned to blubber
when he didn't maintain the lifting routine. I don't think this is physically
possible with The Gav. It would take too much time to explain the scientific
equation I used to determine this but simply said, The Gav retains 80%
of all his caloric intake in his head. The fats and carbs that he eats
never really get to his body. Working out or not, The Gav just maintains
a head 8 times that of any other human.
ENTRY #327 I was sort of scared because I went ahead and posted that The Lakers won and then at the end of the game it looked like The Mavericks won. Well, worry not Laker fans. I watched the highlights on Sports Center and if the game was officiated as an actual NBA game should be, we won. So for those of you who like to play by the rules, and I think that is most everyone that visits The Tap, Lakers won. Spike is trying to get on Lakai. We'll just leave it at that for now. The Gav's back is
in tip top shape and Timmy is ready to hit the weights again at Golds.
(I think Timmy would be so touched to know that when Rickk was trying
to point out where Timmy was seated at the Laker game he said, "see
the lady in the yellow jacket? He's the gigantic round head right next
to her"). I put a filter on my e-mail so Bob K will mellow out with the barrage of ideas. Dude, if they're so good, put 'em on Crownfarmer. See you at the races.
ENTRY #326 Lakers play The Mavericks
tonight. As a cutting edge reporter, I went to the Mavericks website
to see what frame of mind they were in. Once on the site, I found out
you can e-mail Mark Cuban, Mavericks "colorful and outgoing" owner.
I sent him an e-mail and asked him if he thought Nash should be suspended
for smashing his face into Malone's elbow. He still hasn't gotten back
to me. One of the hardest things about working for Crail Tap is Bob K constantly buzzing into my office running his stupid ideas by me. "Let's do this" or "what about putting this on Crail?". We're not posting a daily photo of Chick or Meg's wild weekend at the grocery store. Dude, chill, OK? I'll let you know when I'm looking for material. Supra Pete and Texas Bird are both in Ireland right now for the pervert convention. I mean Lakai sales meeting. Remember in the movie Phenomenon where they are having that book fair and people start asking John Travolta's character all sorts of questions and he overloads and passes out? I'm not even psychic and for some odd reason I feel like that several times through out the day. Strange. Raymond, drop me a line and let me know if you're bringing the Absinthe on Monday or if I should. Also let me know if you want to black out by midnight or what your schedule is looking like. What's up with The Rick's? McCrank is working on his outfit for the Anti-Social premier, Howard is working on hs outfit for O'Meally's birthday bash and Raymond is working on his outfit for all sorts of holiday ragers. Did you know that The Chinese called the unicorn k'i-lin? To them it was a sign of wisdom. Around 2800 BC, the emperor Fu Hsi wrote of seeing a k'i-lin. The internet wasn't around yet so he couldn't have a contest to draw a k'i-lin and I don't know if he even had a $1000. He could have held the contest and maybe given out a valuable coin or sword from his collection but he may not have even wanted to do that. Maybe he would have thought the whole idea of a contest like that was stupid. Just kidding, there's no way anyone would think that contest wasn't totally fresh. |
