It's Friday the 13th, are you skeered? Don't be skeered.
Just like some other Girl employees, Brian Mettee seems to shoot for the stars when he has dreams at night. He had a dream that Ken Griffey Jr got a job at Girl. That would be sort of cool until he got his crappy Christmas bonus and tried to fight Rick or Mike. It would be cool to tell him Spike decides who gets what on the Christmas bonus thing and then just have him show up at Spike's office all ready to kick his ass. Spike would crap himself.
Tony Larson got a new computer monitor, call all your friends.
OK, this one rips:
See, I told you.
Todays Honorary Crail Candian is Jack Kent Cooke. He is considered to be one of Canada's finest and most aggressive businessmen. (That's if you don't include Howard and McCrank). Of course you know where he was born, since they don't allow births in any other part of the country. Cooke started out selling encyclopedia's door to door during the Great Depression. (Just a side note here, if you ever think your job sucks, try selling encylopedias to people that don't have two cents to rub together. If someone came to my door during the Great Depression trying to sell me some books, I'd be like "Yeah dude, we don't know how we're going to eat tomorrow but bring on the fucking knowledge". That's just me, though, I have a super bad attitude). OK, back to Mr. Cooke. He went on to manage some radio stations, and then owned those radio stations. He purchased the Toronto Maple Leaves in the late 60's and then went on to own both the Los Angeles Kings and the Three Peating Los Angeles Lakers. He sold the Lakers in the 60's to Jerry Buss. Nice Move, Cooke. Oh, and welcome to Crail.
The Girl skatepark smelled like a toilet the last two days. Here's just a small suggestion to you little rippers: It's a small enclosed area. Maybe if you look inside and there are already 15 grown men in there sweating, maybe wait it out. Maybe ask yourself, "Will it smell like an actual open ass if I get in there too?" or maybe ask yourself this, "Is it abnormal to be topless and sweating in an enclosed area with all these grown men?". No charge for that suggestion, it's free.
Lee Smith came home! He tried to play if off like it was all cool, he didn't miss us, but I think I saw his eyes mist up on the way to Sam's office. It's OK to cry Lee, just ask Mikey. Hardly a day goes by that I don't rub Mike's back while he weeps. Don't be skeered, Lee, we love you, too.
The Ruby Table Tennis Titan belt is in the works. Rumor has it, the thing is going to be spending a lot of time on Sammy's shelf.
Quick hair update: Bob K seems to be rinsing the red out, Bird's rockin' the Brazilian pony tail (so gay right now), Rick has some sort of Seinfield thing going, Mikey has a sort of porn fluffy long thing, Rob Abeyta's still all greased back, Gavin looks like Papa Roach, Koston is claiming he can "part the wig", Larson is sporting the "it's SD but it's North County" look and Eric Anthony got another perm.
Where's the "Ask Mikey" column? Good question.
The countdown begins soon for the Three Peating Los Angeles Lakers season opener and the Spike Jonze movie, Adaptation.
Shaq finally had his toe surgery yesterday. He said he kept putting it off because he was getting conflicting opinions from different doctors. I don't usually get mad at the big fella but c'mon dude, why not just put it off until next summer? We have a season to play and I'm not sure if Phil showed you highlights but we sort of suck with out you. The surgery was said to have gone very well and the healing process takes about 6 weeks. It is still not known if he will make the season opener. I know who won't make the season opener: Sean Kemp. He just quit. Just like that. Just decided he was too fat for basketball and quit. Sort of like Gavin did with skateboarding. He just woke up one morning, looked in the mirror, and said, "I gotta call Rick, I'm too fat to skate".
Todays Honorary Knock Knock joke goes like this:
That one's insane!
Todays Honorary Crail Canadian is Linda Evangelista. She's a Super Model. I'll let you take one wild guess where she was born. She was discovered when she entered a beauty pageant in Canada. (Aren't we all?) She then moved to New York where she earned up to 25,000 a day. She was raised by a traditional working class family. Wow, really? I thought everyone in traditional working class families were ugly? Welcome to THA TAP, Linda.
Bobby Echo has been saved. It turns out The Hime is a Von Zipper rep and might be able to get those shades for Bobby. The harmonica is on order. He'll be crashing your party any time now.
The lady that lives in the building located next door to Girl has asked that we try and make it so she doesn't hear the sound of skateboards. Want me to see if I can make the sky look like lemon meringue too, ma'am? What about scenting the air with peppermint? Just let us know, we're here for you.
"Be nice to people, fall in love and if you have time, do something great" - My Mom, 9/89
Did you know you could be a virtual GM for a WNBA team? It's true. Just go to the WNBA website and you two can fantaszie about coaching chicks that are so hot right now. Try and be the WNBA coach with the savage tan, she's awesome.
The USA Basketball team got eliminated from any medal possibility in the Basketball World Series or Basketball World Cup or whatever it is. Yugoslavia beat the USA by three points after trailing by ten points in the beginning of the fourth quarter. I really wanted to get into this competition but I kept falling asleep. And then I would have Deja Vu (there's a word you don't think you'll type that much) that I was watching the Eastern Conference Finals and it was like a bad flash back. I am not always a good reporter but admitting it in print erases that and makes me a good reporter again. Cool.
In other basketball news, Mike Wilhelm, who was the assistant Denver coach last year has left to now be a scout/assistant coach for the Chicago Bulls. I don't know a lot about Mr. Wilhelm but apparently he has a passion for losing. Good Luck, Mike.
Isn't it cool when you go to websites and the people that work there tell you what their listening to? I really like that. It gives me direction and a sense of belonging. Right now, Jenkins is listening to NPR. He's so on right now. He's also "in" right now. Stay tuned, we'll let you know when he's out.
Mueller missed the
third grade! Is anyone kidding us? He fell out of a tree and broke so
many bones he was in a body cast and in the hospital for the entire
third grade. That explains working with his t-shirt over his face. He's
not socially adjusted from being out that year! Well, you know how we
work at Tha Tap, we want to help.
third grade misses you too"
Mueller will pick the most beneficial entry and then THA TAP will send you a brand new deck. Just like that.
Speaking of THA TAP, McCrank would like to let Rick Howard know that there is no reason to call him anymore, he'll get the scoop from THA TAP. And speaking of McCrank, don't miss out on his limited edition ANTISOCIAL decks. Call his store in Vancouver and see if there are any left (604-708-5678).
Todays Honorary Crail Canadian is Leonard Cohen. Mr. Cohen was a great writer and poet. He was actually on his way to Nashville to record a country album and he stopped in New York on the way. There, he met Bob Dylan and Joan Baez and this changed his musical direction drastically. He is considered by many Canadians to be a "homeland treasure". Man, it would be neat to be thought of by an entire country as a homeland treasure. Makes me want to move to a small country and bake zuchinni bread for all the locals until they consider me a homeland treasure. Wait, what am I writing? Oh, yeah, THA TAP.
Today we are willing to trade a brand new deck for any type of harmonica or a pair of Von Zipper cop shades. Bobby Echo, one of our interns, got drunk the other night and fell into a fire. He survived just fine but his glasses and harmonica didn't fair so well. If you can offer up the glasses or the harmonica (not used, we're afraid of germs) we will send you that brand new deck. Yep, brand new deck.
Fourstar designer and Stacks CEO Mike Leon was on a house boat for a week. We'll let you fill in the blanks. Mike is nucking futs! House boat for a week? Most playas couldn't last three days but not Leon, he's the bomb.
Stay tuned for the count down to the opening of Spike Jonze's ADAPTATION, and of course, pre-season for the Three Peating Los Angeles Lakers!!!!
The US Judicial system doesn't seem to be too concerned about skateboarding. One of us got called for jury duty and told the court that the entire company would fold, dozens of professional skateboarders and 45 employees would be out in the cold if that person had to miss work and serve as a juror. The courts response: Cool, see you at jury duty.
I guess that's why they put the word "Duty" at the end. So selfish people don't miss the point.
Today there is no Honorary Crail Canadian. It was going to be singer and songwriter Gordon Lightfoot because the other day "SUNDOWN" was cranking and Bird said, "this is amazing, who is this, Phish?". But when it was time for research and I broke down some lyrics....wow. The song SUNDOWN starts out "I can see her lying back in her satin dress in a room where you do where you don't confess". Sorry but I see shades of a weirdo somewhere in there.
Someone sent me a motivational quote today that said "From a tiny spark may burst a mighty flame". Not too motivating with the word "spark" in there.
McCrank has taken up weight lifting and is said to be looking so hot right now.
Hair update: Bob K is feathered (and swimming high in pools), Larson seems to be biting Rob Abeyta's slick back, Nick has a tragic mini afro (also known as a trafro), Rick and Mike still long and flowing, Ty went auburn, Bird wearing pony tails, Gav short with some facial hair "to make my face look smaller" (that might take an eclipse), Mueller is sort of feathered and Eric Anthony has a fresh summer perm. Even tough it's a summer perm, it will last long into the winter, he got the expensive one. $9.99!!
Did I tell you that from a tiny spark may burst a mighty flame? Just checking.
Yugoslavia Beat Brazil in the world series of basketball. The world series of basketabll sort of seems like "Podium Ball". You just can't tell how much is riding on it. Does it matter? Does it suck? Either way, Brazils final score was 69, that's Mikey's favorite number, if you're familiar with his e-mail address then you know this. Some guy named Milan Guroviz pulled through for the Yugo's. I'm so lost with this series. The other night I couldn't sleep so I turn ont he TV and I think I'm watching a re-run but it turns out it's live....so confusing.
Kelly Bird is so over you right now, keep that in mind.
Mike Carroll and Tim Gavin had their cell phones end up in Koston Canyon. It's a long story but let's just say Buescemi is very involved. Surrounding details have Carroll in heels, Gavin claiming Kostons mansion as his own, Carroll serving up wine in coffee mugs and Rick so pissed at Bird it isn't even funny. Rick is still pissed at Bird but Bird doesn't know so don't tell him. Keep it on the DL. Final note on this evening, Sour Import, so sour.
Today's Honorary Crail Canadian is Farley Mowat. Just a shout out, if you're Canadian and you were born in any other part of Canada other then Ontario, can you give us a shout out? Cool. OK, so back to Farley Mowat, he is one of the famous Canadian authors. His first book was published in 1956, titled LOST IN BARRELS (not the Gavin biography), and received the Governor Generals Award. He's written over 20 novels and one of them, NEVER CRY WOLF, was made into a movie in 1983. Farley served in the Canadian Army in World War 2. Welcome to Crail Tap, I guess.
Thank you for the e-mail regarding how important it is that I empower women and write about the possible World Cup Golf boycott due to the "Mens Only" policy at Augusta Golf Course. Guess what ladies? If you're so down for empowering women, stay the off of this stupid site and go do something that matters. This site means nothing to anybody and the sooner you get your mind around that, the better off we'll all be.
Rudy Johnson and wife Pam are back from a few weeks of wine and pasta in the south of Italy. Rudy needs to work on the figure a bit but other then that the trip was a success.
Mueller and Smyth do not think anything about the paddles, their cases or the cost of Rick's paddle are at all funny. If you think any of this is funny, just go to another site because Mueller got super hard with us about this subject so we're officially dropping it.
Man down on the dance floor in a tank top.
I went to the libaray and read up on the surgery that Shaq is having, pretty gnarly. (One time I used the word "gnarly" and Mark Lewman told me "it sounds really lame when you say it". Sorry Lew, just trying to fit in). It's official name is "Cheilectomy" and it is the removal of bone spurs, to be sort of basic. It should be effective but an observing surgeon said "9 out of 10 times, after you open someone up, they're never the same". Great. Shaq was quoted as saying "I don't want to end up like Bill Walton". I'm not sure if he was referring to the limp, the three sets of shark teeth or The Hime ignoring him as a celebrity. I think it is safe to say, none of us want to end up like Bill Walton. Or Dollar Bill as we call him. Close your eyes and pray, we all love the Big Man.
Jesus mary and the christ child, it's birthday heaven over here. Tim Gavin, Bob K and I think Colin McKay are all celebrating the joy of life today. We were going to have a huge bash but Bob fucked his hair up and now we can't be seen clubbing with him. Nice work, Bob. Oh, and Happy Birthday, guys.
Just to clear the air, Bird IS the cousin of a Girl emplyee, IS a rep in his off time with that same employee but DOES NOT have a crush on anyone at Girl. He does have a small crush on someone at Red Bull but we won't get into that. Also, if Bird was rude to you at any clubs last week, wait until you see his new attitude, it's so hot right now.
Ty Evans Video Voyage is on a slippery slope of good and evil. Ty's diet is just gone. We are going to have to give him vegetable transfusions when we get him back here but the important thing is that he is back by Saturday so that Atiba and Eric can get their groove on.
Todays Honorary Crail Canadian is astronaut Roberta Lynn Bondar. Roberta was the first Canadian woman in space upon the space ship Discovery in 1992. Who would have guessed, born in Ontario. I have to say, she seems like she may have been tripping on something....she said she used to look up into the skys of northern Ontario and pretend she was Flash Gordon on an asteroid in search of Ming the Merciless. Easy there, babe. She went on to say that she used to rig radios in hopes that she would be the first person to make contact with aliens. Welcome to Crail, freak.
Three more days until Crail blows your mind.
Lamar Odom has had to have another cast put on his ankle. He twisted it during a rehab work out and now will have to wear the new cast for 8-12 weeks. The cast will include an electrical stimulation device to hopefully speed the recovery.
Lamar should work out with Mike Carroll, he is the king of speedy recoveries.
Looks like Jenkins got some offers on his new clothing line, OC X-PLOSION. He pulled up to the office today in a sparkling new Escalade. Escalades are the official "that's right mother fucker" vehicle. Or at least that is what I heard.
Turns out Kelly Bird has a crush on a Girl employee, is the cousin of a Girl employee AND is a rep in his off time. This is nuts! The guy is so hot right now.
Someone said this column basically sucked with it's "Simspsonesque" humor. Did you ever see that episode of the Simpsons where Homer was trying to get healthy and he had wheat grass with Vodka and called it a lawnmower? That's my favorite Simpsons. The same guy that said we were all "GEN X" bullshit also sent this super deep passage that made me know all of our life has no meaning.It's such a relief when shit is just pointed out to you. I wish that same guy could just ride in the back seat of my car and direct me through life. He called us butt-rockers. What's a butt rocker? Sounds like it hurts. I guess he's totally punk or totally British as he told us to piss off. His e-mailed was signed ACE WHOLE...get it? He's way funnier then the Simpsons.
Aaron Meza, of Skateboarder fame, has asked long time love and very lovely, Diana, to marry him. Then Meza went to bed and Diana tried to stay up calling everyone she knew. One time while Diana changed a light fixture that had previously shocked her, Aaron stood by ready to smack her over the head with a guitar if she got shocked again. This guy is so romantic. Congratulations, Aaron and Diana.
Todays Honorary Crail Canadian is Peter Jennings. As with every Canadian, he was born in Toronto. (Do they have hospitals in any other part of Canada?). His father was a famous broadcaster for the CBC (Canadian Broadcasting Corp) and Peter hosted his very first show at the age of 9. (Looks like Dad was pulling some strings). In 1971 he received the National Headlines Award for his reporting on the civil war in Bangladesh. He is also one of the few western reporters to have interviewed Saddam Hussein. Welcome to Crail. Not Saddam, Peter.
If you work in an office, have a room mate or have a mate of any sorts, might I suggest you not eat corn nuts?
Thank you again for the overwhelming outpouring of hate regarding Shaq and his toe. Nice of all of you to let the passing of Chick settle before you launched back into the hate mail. I just hope he gets to sit on the bus at the parade next year rather then stand the whole time. Parade after parade of standing every year can not be helping that poor toe.
We tried to secure that interview we spoke of with Eric Anthony bringing back the man purse and he seems to no longer feel comfortable with this discussion. I tried to tell him that I saw plenty of men in the south of France proudly toting these leather lovelies and he just put his head down. Eric, when you feel comfortable with it, I'm here, sissy.
Tony Larson has been re-hired. He came crying over the weekend saying how, "he loves the Lakers" and "look at my new Kobe tattoo". He had a Laker flag on his car and he was eating a Nestle Crunch. So, we took him back. And Tony has learned a valuable lesson. He needs us.
Sam's Wild Weekend Part 2 with out Lee Smith? Seems impossible but it is on the horizon.
Speaking of Sam, have any questions about cab etiquette? Send them to: SAMS CHECKERED PAST c/o Tha Tap. He's got all the answers.
Todays Honorary Crail Canadian is Pamela Anderson. She's so hot right now! Pamela started her career as the Labbatt Brewery's Blue Girl which was a local job in Vancouver as a spokes model. She went on to be the star of Baywatch as well as many home made movies with rock stars and has graced the cover of Playboy almost a dozen times. Pamela was born in Vancouver and now lives on the beach in Malibu. Wow, if Bob K's dreams unfold as planned, their resumes will be very similar. Except for the Playboy thing. Weird. Canadians are so cosmically linked. I'm tripping right now.
It is official, through the help of our fact checkers, we have researched and Kelly Bird is NOT Canadian. Once again, Bird, NOT Canadian.
You can stop biting your nails Los Angeles, The Sparks made it to the finals! They beat the Utah Starzz (Two z's...so fresh) 77-103 to advance to the WNBA finals where they will meet up with the New York Liberty. Mwadi Mabika and Tamecka Dixon of Los Angeles both led the team with 15 points each to seal the deal. Koston is so bummed to be missing the playoffs right now! The coach of the Starzz puts Rick Howards savage tan to shame.
Speaking of Rick Howard, he has flown home from Ty Evans Video Voyage to greet his family coming in from Canada. His last evening on the voyage was spent celebrating the birthday of Michael "SO COSMO" Carroll with Atiba, Ty, Dan Wolfe, Jereme (who had to be docked at one point when he wasn't old enough to keep up), McCrank, Koston, Dimitry, Poppalardo and many other people sporting trucker caps. Jeff Tremaine tried to act like he flew to NY for some MTV gathering but he was there for Mikey's birthday. Don't front, Jeff. Happy Birthday, Mikey!
Ty's personal diet has it an all time low, at last check, he was loading Cheese Wiz on to Tostitos. For the love of God, Ty, stop the madness. It's wheat grass and fiber once we get Ty back to Cali. There may be an intervention, we'll keep you posted.
As the hair wars go, Kostons pretty much winning the battle. Looks like he's rockin' the old wig from Kashiwa, touching and frightening all at one time. Bob K's got some sort of layered thing going, Atiba is out of control with the afro, Spike has stepped up to the plate for the "no cut 'til Yeah Right" and Jenkins has shaved his head. Hair is like, so important to all of us.
Todays Honorary Crail Canadian is Rick Moranis. (Before we honor him, what's with all the RICKS from Canada? Rick Howard, Rick McCrank? What the hell?). Like every other Canadian, he was born in Toronto. He is most famous in Canada for his "Bob and Doug McKenzie" skits. I think he did his best work in Ghostbusters but it is said that he made most of his fame in the states from HONEY I SHRUNK THE KIDS. Try and get your hand on any old episodes of SCTV, he wrote a lot of that material and it rules.
Rick McCrank almost broke his thumb the other day. It's a long story but let's just say if it wasn't for the lucky sweater vest he has been wearing, that thumb would be in a splint.
Stay tuned for Eric Anthony's "it's man bag, not a purse, ya fuck" interview.
7 more days until Crail basically blows the back door out of the internet.
Just a quick shout out to Tony Larson, old Girl Art Dump, employee. Lashing out at Andy Mueller? What next, maybe challenge Emmet Jenkins to a fist fight? Say what you want about the Lakers and the band wagoners at Girl but let's not pick on the guy that works half the day with his shirt over his face. And Larson, at your new job, if the boss is a totally defensive close minded Laker fan, just sport the purple and gold. Either way, it was so fun having you at Girl and we'll try and hire a hippy girl to replace you so we can still smell incense first thing in the morning. And by the way, I have Sam Smyth as a witness when you blurted out, "I think I love the Lakers now". Clippers fan? Nice try.
Stay tuned for Sam Smyth's wild weekend part 2. Just a hint: He doesn't drink home made beer on this weekend.
What's wrong with wine in a box? Just checking.
Kelly Bird's "Half Full" column has been permanently cancelled. I tried to observe Kelly from a reporters stand point last week, his glass is not even half empty, it's "so fuckin' empty, he's over it". His citizenship is still up in the air but Rick has presented evidence that there is no way Kelly can be Canadian. "He's so American, or else he wouldn't talk to me about the Lakers the way he does, the guys American". Is Rick a scientist? That was amazing.
Todays Honorary Crail Canadian is Jeopardy host, Alex Trebek. Alex was born in Ontario in 1940 and had been hosting the Jeopardy game show since 1988. His real name is George Alexander Trebek but maybe that was too long of a name for a game show host so his agent asked him to shorten it. I'm just guessing. I like the way he acts when people get the answers wrong. Like he would know the answers to any of those questions if he didn't have the cards in front of him. I don't know if his hair is naturally curly or if he has a perm. He has played himself in over 50 movies. Welcome to The Tap, Alex.
Ty Evans Video Voyage is just about to make it's way back to California. The boys are in New York right now and after a quick trip to Boston tomorrow, they will begin the journey home.
Lee Smith, what about all the good times we all had together? Come home, Sam isn't the same.
Thanks for all the e-mails wishing us good luck without Shaq at the beginning of the season, I take each and every one of them to heart.
Tomorrow we will have a quick interview with the very heterosexual Eric Anthony on his movement for acceptance of men carrying purses.
Jerry West has made his first big gamble with the Memphis Grizzlies and signed 7'2" polish player, Cezary Trybanski. The Grizzlies are going to pay him $4.8 million over the next three years which should be quite a lifestyle change from the $10,000.00 a year he was pulling in in the European league he played in before the signing. It seemed like another genius move by the great Jerry West until Trybanski said, "I want to be like Vlade". You want to be like Vlade? A big dumb foul faker? Way to shoot for the stars, dumbass.
Todays Honorary Crail Canadian is Elvis Stojko. He's a figure skater, but aren't we all? His mom named him after the real Elvis and she said from the moment she saw him she knew he was going to be something great. I hope he didn't look at birth like he looks now because then she might have looked at him and said, "Oh no, my son is going to be a really weird pervert guy that creeps girls out in night clubs". He has won several Olympic medals and is considered by some people in Canada to be a Canadian hero. Welcome to Creep Tap...I mean Crail Tap, Elvis.
I wonder if Lee Smith thinks about us ever. He has a cool e-mail address. Not as cool as Mikey's but still pretty fresh.
Just so I don't have to send out a mass e-mail, NO, I don't watch American Idol and YES I do know that Paula Abdul was a Laker girl.
There is a group of kids that dig all the trash out of our dumpster every night. When are you freaks going to catch on? We don't throw anything in there but actual trash. Like hamburger wrappers and things with poop on them. So you dig through there each night looking for a bolt or something and all you get is a bunch of dumspter juice on you. I bet the linens at your house smell really yummy.
Still looking for those rims for Kostons new A6....keep in mind we said RARE Lakai's. And just to sweeten the deal, we stole some stuff out of Rick's office to add to the trade: 3 Rick Howard trading cards. Don't jam our e-mail with this one. Everyone just stay calm. Yes, we did say THREE! As in THREE PEAT.
I guess when Shaq has a temperature of 103 and has to be hospitalized, some people think he should still show up for appearances at charity events. He's not really superman, folks. I know he seems super human but he also feels like crap sometimes and has to take a sick day. Brian Mettee, banned from life from the Staples center. And speaking of being banned for life, what's this we hear about Rick still being sour that Hime took his Laker jersey off before we went into Las Palmas last season? Rick has been carrying around sour feelings and Hime is totally unaware? He's Fan Of The Game twice, c'mon Rick, let him make it up to you. How about a lemon drop?
Maybe Tony Larson should change the name of his band to BAND WAGON! He met the Laker assistant coach, Frank Hamblen, the other night at a bar and NOW he's into the Lakers. Tony is also operating on a Staples ban from the time he was given Laker tickets and couldn't make it to the game so the tickets went to waste. And one time he laughed when the Lakers lost so I hope hope Tony gets caught in traffic and gets two paper cuts.
(Side note: To the person that asked "Who's Chick Hearn?", I have an extra almanac laying around that I can send to you. Might want to brush up on a few things before you set out in the world).
Ty's Video Voyage is now in Boston. Carroll drove all night straight from Chicago and although it is just a rumor, did the drive without whining. I will let you know when this is confirmed but as it stands now, Mike Carroll, at the wheel for 10 hours, no whining. McCrank and Koston are back in the van after a quick trip to The Extreme Games. As a team, they took 19th place in that event where you jump out of a plane with a snowboard on your feet and make funny faces for the camera. I think Eric did the camera part. Details are fuzzy on this one too. Wow, I am an amazing reporter.
Well, to all of you that slept on the purchase of Eric Anthony's Honda, you're bummin'. He put a new radiator in it and has now decided to keep it. He dropped it and had "Emotional Rescue" painted on the hood, the thing looks amazing.
Todays Honorary Crail Canadian is Robert Goulet. This guy totally acts American, I wouldn't have known he was Canadian if I hadn't seen him thank Canada when he won an Emmy a while back for his college Basketball commentary for ESPN. Robert has released dozens of albums as well as acting in motion pictures, plays and Broadway musicals. To top it off, he also got Las Vegas entertainer of the year in 1982. He also has a very disturbing mustache. Welcome, Robert. Anyone with a copy of Crusty Demons 5 and or 6, send it in and we'll send you a deck. It's for Jenkins, of course.
Eric Koston just bought a new Audi A6 and is wondering if anyone has 18" rims that they want to trade for some rare Rick Howard Lakai's, some rare decks or anything else you might think is rare. And fair.
10 more days until the Crail you didn't think possible.
Brian Mettee is being sent away, on unpaid leave, to think about the effects of saying over the Girl intercom: Shaq's a big fat liar. Someone isn't going to heaven and I think his name rhymes with Ryan......
Well, since Mikey is the company baby and he is really mad that we wouldn't post the Rick Crapper Photos, here's a RICK CRAP TALE so we can use the photo (click here for it). Hope you're happy Malakai 69, or whatever you tell girls your name is when you're drunk at clubs.
RICK CRAP TALE #1
Phil Johnson (not to ever be mistaken for the coach of the Three Peating World Champion Los Angeles Lakers, Phil Jackson), assistant coach of the Utah Jazz decided to follow in the foot steps of Mavericks assistant coach, Del Harris, and has pulled his name for consideration for the Denver head coaching position.(That was the lamest run on sentence in the history of this column or maybe even the universe). These guys must know something so I am now pulling my name from the list as well.
The Jazz may need to put Coach Johnson in the first few games as a player rather then a coach. Their two draft picks,Curtis Borchardt and Raul Lopez, have both been hurt in the off season and will not be able to play in the first leg of the season. (If there are any ladies that read this column, check out Raul Lopez on the Utah Jazz website, this guy is so hot right now).
Ty Evans Video Voyage is still on track, if you don't count the fact that the last three times we had contact with them, Kylie Minogue was cranking in the back round. Mikey has said he is not e-mailing us anymore photos from the voyage because we don't post them large enough. What? No more photos of Rick on the toilet? Geez, what's going to happen to Crail Tap? This is bad. Come on, Mike. Send some more.
The Jenkins family voyage is till on track and headed back our way. At last contact, Emmet had ordered french toast and was disappointed when the syrup it was served with "seemed wack". The kids just a chip off the old block.
Todays Honorary Crail Canadian is James Naismith. This is the guy that invented basketball! Can you believe it? He was teaching physical education at a YMCA in Springfield, Massachusetts when the athletic director asked him to come up with an indoor sport that the kids could do between the football and baseball season. He came up with basketball by mounting some peach baskets to the gymnasium balcony. He was also born in Ontario. I bet he never knew that the Three Peating Los Angeles Lakers would come to be from his invention. It's coming soon...September 1.....the Crail of your wishes!
I wish the NBA season would just start. If I have to hear about this baseball strike over and over again on sports radio I am going to take down all my Derek Jeter posters. Just stirke, you big fat whiny babies. And when you can hear the umpires voice echo in the stadium every time he makes a call because no one ever comes back to another game, strike again. Just keep striking until the new American past time is striking. And do yourselves a favor and put the brakes on Alex Rodriguez commenting on "what's fair for the players". He wouldn't know fair if he kicked him straight in the cup.
Stay tuned for the limited edition RING RING RING Crail Tap t-shirts that will be available soon. That will be so wierd next year when the column is called RING RING RING RING... or what about the year after that? Wow.
Ty's Video Voyage is now in Minneapolis and headed for Chicago. Other then a startled Girl Team member waking up to another Girl Team Member doing nude crunches in the middle of the night, things seem to be going just fine. Koston and McCrank will take a little break from the tour to get EXTREME and then they'll be back with the boys early next week.
Todays Honorary Crail Canadian is Shania Twain. Shania was born in Ontario and after a long life of poverty and then losing her parents, she teamed up with her husband and released a smash country album, Come on over. She won a Grammy and a Country Music award for this album.She sort of bugs me because she wears some really lame outfits in her videos but I think that goes to show how shallow I am so maybe I should focus on that.
We've been bombarded with e-mails since we mentioned that Tony was looking for love. We should add this, if you're looking for a bad boy with a rock and roll past and a quest for adventure, Tony's your man. BUT, if you are looking for a sensitive writer type that will invite you over for dishes that include sun dried tomatoes in the ingredients and play a little Galaxy 500 while he tries to get you to make out on his church bench, Bob K's your guy. If you're looking for a married man that doesn't think any of us are funny when we're drunk and isn't interested in you because he already has a lovely wife, we have Rob. And lastly, if you are looking for someone to hand you a photo for an ad the day before it needs to get sent but still needs it to be layed out within the next hour, there's always Nick. But he's taken, too. OK, so it's Bob or Tony.
Our cry to reach Jenkins worked! He called last night and he is coming back! He was on a beach and is having a lovely time and is set to return on Wednesday.
Wassssup? Just Kidding. Anyway, Bob K tried to start some shit today by telling Arvedis that Rick hates him. Rick doesn't really hate him, he just doesn't get him. Mike Leon likes him and Rick likes Mike Leon so I think this will all work out. Either way, Bob, stop the violence and increase the peace.
And even if Rick does hate you, he'll still shoot hoops with you.
Last night I had a dream that I got a job as a limo driver. (I know, I really shoot for the stars when I dream). So I go to pick up the person I am supposed to pick up but I don't even know who it is. So I get to the gate of this huge mansion and then I go to the intercom box and just say, "I'm here". And then a voice tells me "he'll be right out". Then this guy gets in the car with a sort of veil over his face and I can't see who it is. I just get back in the car and start driving. He lowers the partition between the back area and the front seat and it's Lindsey Hunter! Great, I got a job driving a limo in Toronto. Maybe tonight I can try and dream that I'm Rasheed Wallace's gardener.
We got a letter today from a lawyer. When things come registered mail I always think some goof is on the other end just waiting to get that green card back in the mail so he can pat himself on his fat back. Back to the letter, it was a cease and desist for something we made 6 years ago. We were like, "dude, we ceased and desisted way before you even knew we weren't ceasing and desisting". It's all cool now.
Speaking of ceasing and desisting, we're not allowed to make our CAMP STUNTWOOD t-shirts anymore. The new ones say CAMP CARE.
Tony Larson is looking for a lovely young lady to spend some time with. Tony likes making love on the beach, horse back riding and totally weird art that he has to explain to you because he is super super smart. Interested ladies send your photos to Clive at Crail Tap. (Mike Leon hates Clive).
Ever seen the songs on Carroll's IPOD? Wow.
The Honorary Crail Canadian for today is Neil Young. Just go buy HARVEST and save me the typing.
Stay tuned for September 1, 2002. The Crail you only ever dreamed about!
Well it looks like Shaq is going to have to have surgery on that big toe. Imagine how big his big toe is...wow. If he does, he will miss the first 8-12 weeks of the season. Shaq is also set to star in the pilot episode of a televesion series on CBS. It's about a high school basketball team so it should be quite a stretch for him as acting goes. Jeff McInnis of the Los Angeles Clippers has been traded to the Portland Trailblazers and is said to be already training with the team. I wonder if that means that Rasheed has him in the gym and is showing him how to spaz out every time the ref makes any call. Or maybe Pippen is showing him some of those air balls he executed in the playoffs.
Patrick Ewing has decided to not re-sign with the Orlando Magic but has yet to announce that he will retire. Patrick, RETIRE. Remember when you could get down the court in less then 45 minutes and it didn't feel like your knee caps were on fire? RETIRE. Enough is enough.
Chico, phone home.
Diamond Nick has moved upstairs to the art department. After over a year of complaining about the location of his office, when told he could move to a new office, the ever greatful Nick said, "Fuck, now I can't play my music very loud". Sometimes we forget the sunshine Nick brings to our lives. We are currently taking suggestions on where people think we should move Nick so he can playhis music loud. The only suggestion received so far was from Jeremy who offered this: A large open field somewhere north of Sacto.
Todays Honorary Crail Canadian: THE BARE NAKED LADIES. These guys originally started as a RUSH cover band. Imagine having that on your resume. It's bad enough to be the actual band RUSH but you form a band as a salute to them. I would just like to say that the Honorary Crail Canadian isn't always a good part of Canada, just a part of Canada. Like Winnepeg. No one wants to live there but it is still part of Canada.
"The security guard across the street is a shit pile" was the latest feedback from Koston who is still enjoying the adventures of Ty Evans Video Voyage. The boys treated themselves to steamed shrimp and ceaser salad last night at a local Hooters restaurant. I'm sure Mikey wasn't perving out on any of the waitresses. Other then Jereme losing his CD player twice, the voyage is still on course.
And finally a small warning, with the bidding on the "GAVIN GOES PHISHING" video (previously titled HIME PRESENTS PHISH) up to $904.89, the final winner needs to be cautious and controlled when watching the video. Someone here at Crail watched it and then ended up on a Phish website and then looked into the fact that Trey Anastasio might be touring again from October 22 to November 3. Good job, Gav, bring the whole ship down with you.
Just a shout out to the guy in the Blue Blazer that yelled "Nice Driving" to me in the Vons parking lot, you drove away before I could say "Thank You" you big asshole.
I think I forgot to mention it at the time of the signing but the Lakers have re-signed Stanislav Medvedenko to another year as a Three Peating Los Angeles Laker. The english translation of his name is "TY EVANS". The New Jersey Nets have traded Canadian, Todd MacCulloch (but not a Crail Honorary Canadian) to the Philadelphia 76ers for Dikembe Mutumbo. You know what these two have in common? Neither of them can stop Shaq! A tip to both teams, no need to switch it up, it makes no difference.
Today's Honorary Crail Canadian is comedian John Candy. John Candy was a brilliant actor and comedian. He died of a heart attack back in 1994 on the set of a movie he was making in Mexico. John was co-owner of the Toronto Argonauts who played in the Canadian Football League. What on Gods Green Earth is an "Argonaut"? It is a person that engages in a dangerous but rewarding quest. Like the Alligator Hunter on TV. Anwyay, rent TRAINS PLANES AND AUTOMBILES. Or if you're loaded, buy it.
Eric Anthony put water in his radiator today so we are now asking $15,000 for the Aqua Green Honda. It's been blessed by monks AND now has water in the radiator. Don't sleep on this one, kids. I said AQUA GREEN, take a look around ebay, these babies are rare!
The Video Voyage is going well, Koston's part should be about 3 1/2 hours when the video is done. Two soldiers have gone home with minor injuries and guess what? Mikey wasn't one of them. The doctor told him not to worry about the nagging pain in his foot, "it's probably just collapsing". Cool, nothing to worry about. How does a foot just collapse? Time for a new doctor. I think it is the same doctor that bragged to Rick about his girlfriend being obedient....or was it the other way around? Hmmm.
"PHISH IS BACK TOGETHER" was the most recent message on my cell phone. Sounded like Gavin but I didn't hear any potato chip wrappers in the back round so maybe it was some other hippy I know. Speaking of Gavin, 15 more days until he's on the phone lying to Hime about how fun the South Bay is. Let's see it's Thursday...so if Gav already lived here we'd be.....same place as last night, Chillers. It's only about a $70.00 cab ride to Hollywood so let's break this down. Four nights a week, four times seventy, Wow, not bad. Only an additional $1100.00 a month to have any sort of social life.
Jenkins told us
he was going up to Oregon for a week but now I realize he didn't know
how to shake us so he made up a big story about visiting his sister
and The Lewmans and some other people. He even had his wife and child
in on the charade. Emmet was nodding after everything Andy said.Come
back Andy, what about the dance routine we've all been working on? It
looks weird with just 11 of us, we need you in that 12th spot or Jeremy
loses his place. For every day you don't come back, we are going to
let Nick work at your computer station while he eats corn nuts. And
we're going to let someone lick the keys on your computer, maybe that
one guy, from the plumbing place.
Lastly, we have a winner for the ROB ABEYTA MAKE OVER. And it is none other then Rob Abeyta himself. He found an old photo of Spike sporting a sassy sort of bob from the late 90's and he was sold. Spike wore the cut with facial hair which looked mildly "porno" but Rob thinks that takes away from the style. Claim your prize, go out to the warehouse and grab yourself a pair of size 40 Girl Jeans from 1996. Hurry Rob, we only have 600 pairs left. .
Del Harris has announced he is going to remain with the Dallas Mavericks and has withdrawn his name from consideration for the head coach job in Denver. I'm not sure who should be happier, Denver or Denver? The best coaching Del ever did for the Lakers was last season when he was the opposing teams coach.
I hope the Mavericks don't come after Rambis, then what will we do? I mean what will the Lakers do? Not "we".
I am having to withdraw Steve Nash as an honorary Crail Tap Canadian. In an interview I found he said, "Dude, Americans don't realize how important hockey is to us. The Olympics are like our Super Bowl". Really, dumb bell? Yeah, we never assoicate Hockey with you guys. You only have more hockey rinks then churches, I think we, as Americans can put two and two together . We call the mullet haircut "The Hockey Cut". And guess what country has more mullets (if you don't include our NASCAR fans)? You! We also call that haircut The Canadian Passport but only when Bob and Rick are out of the office because they get all sensitive. And Rick has one but doesn't know it. Either way, you're not an honarary Crail Canadian!
Ever since we had to start monitoring the diet of The Video Voyage, the boys are trying to lay low. We have put spies in place at AM/PM's all over the country and despite what you guys try and convince yourself of, Cheetos are not in the dairy food group. Remember what happened to Tim when he let his figure go to waste? All he could wear was size 38 pants and over sized flannels. Look at him now, all fit and trim and red hot. And Ty, one of our spies saw that little "mustard on the windshield" of the other van antic.
Eric Anthony is trying to trade his car for a $10,000 lottery ticket or just cash if you don't have a winning ticket. The car is worth a lot because we had it blessed by some monks. So, it might look like it is worth a lot less but it's worth $10,000, seriously. You send the cash, we send the car."
"Be Part of Something Big". That is the theme of the Houston Rockets upcoming season. The cool thing is, the billboards they put up all over the city are in Mandarin Chinese in honor of their team player, Yao Ming. Call me crazy but I have a sneaky feeling that the Texas residents as a whole are not that fluent in Mandarin Chinese. Nice work, Rockets. Way to reach the fans.
Lately I have been humming Foreigners "Hot Blooded" to myself when I see fat people. Only I change the lyrics to "Pot Gutted". And then I change the next line from "got a fever of 103" to "got a waist line of 103". So, cool, there's that.
Today's Honorary Canadian: Dallas Maverick Steve Nash. I think the hot hair and perfect teeth are a plus but what about the fact that he finished 3rd with Michelle Timms of the WNBA's Phoenix Mercury in the Nestle Crunch All Star 2Ball game at the All Star weekend last year? 3rd place? With a WNBA player at your side? Now that is one for the record books. Nash was also named West Coast Conference player of the year in 95 and 96.
Rob Abeyta is taking suggestions for new hair styles. Send any and all suggestions to: ROB'S BIG MAKE OVER c/o Crail Tap 22500 S Vermont Ave Torrance CA 90502. The winning entry will receive a grab bag of prizes. Mostly items that don't sell but still free is free.
Speaking of make overs, Eric and Dave of the Girl International Sales Team had their office remodeled. "We wanted something more cheerful and friendly" said Eric. "And a little less porno looking, the old mirrored walls send the wrong message" added Dave. .
Folks, just when we thought nothing could shake the bond between us, someone has accused Kelly Bird of NOT being from Texas. I can never reveal my source, just like Woodward and Bernstein during Watergate, but it comes from a very good source. If Kelly Bird has been posing as a dude from the Big State, we've got problems!
I will keep everyone posted but as it stand right now, Kelly's interview, "MY GLASS IS HALF FULL" has been put on hold until we confirm he is NOT a Canadian citizen.
Well, the Sporting News has named Celtics team captain, Antoine Walker, as one of it's "Good Guys" for 2001. I guess they pick some athletes that don't smoke weed, or at least carry it with them on planes, or guys that don't punch their wives in the face and hand them this year long honor. Maybe if you get stabbed a bunch of times because you were popping off you can't be a "Good Guy". I wonder if you can still be a "Good Guy" if you go through your entire career faking fouls, if not, sorry Floppy, I mean Vlade, no "Good Guy" award for you. I bet if you choke the coach you can't be a "Good Guy". If you have really crappy facial hair, like Pollard, are you a "Good Guy" but also a "Lame Guy"? I bet no one on the Blazers can ever be a "Good Guy". And the Mavericks aren't "Good Guys".
The most recent contact with Ty Evans Video Voyage has us concerned that with Ty at the wheel, will the fellas follow in Ty's foot steps and end up with guts? "Two push ups my entire life" Ty bragged on the heals of what sounded like a 10,000 calorie brunch. Come on boys, let's lighten up on the ranch and order something from the vegetable food group for a change. These guys better make some changes pronto so we don't have to re-name the video FATASS!
In an effort to curb the tension between the Americans and Canadians in our company, we will be making a daily salute to a special Canadian. Today's pick: Jason Priestly. Jason is in a hospital bed with some broken bones from an auto accident but is said to be recovering well. What about the many nights we watched as he played Brandon Walsh on 90210? That is the joy only a fine Canadian actor can bring to us. "His hair style as well as his sideburns are something I have always envied" said Tony Larson, the guy that started this entire mess between us and our fine neighbors of the north, The Canucks.
In closing, because I think we are the only people in his little life that acknowledge him, here is a list of the things Tig Hates: Girl, Chocolate, Royal, Fourstar, Lakai, Crail Tap, Ruby, Rick, Mike, "The over rated asshole, Eric Koston", The Gav, The Hime, Ako, Atiba, Ty, our "gay ass catalogs", our "gay ass ads", Spike, the movie "Being Jon Malkovich", The Three Peating Los Angeles Lakers and Phil Jackson. Well guess what my little Tig Newton? It's time for you to move on, just like everyone else in your life, we're sick of you, bro. Thanks for everything.
The Sacramento Kings have acquired Terry Porter as an assistant coach. Maybe he can help Rick Adelman with his wardrobe. Don't get me wrong, I love the turtle necks and earth tones but come on, you're an NBA coach not Thurston Howell. And you're not stuck on an island so you can go to a department store and get some new threads. Maybe get crazy and get a light blue shirt or something.
We have made contact with the Ty Evans video voyage. Things seem to be going well. Jereme wanted to send a shout out to his mom that he is healthy and happy and will be home very soon. Rick came across a hat with the slogan "It's not the distance you travel, it's what you learn along the way" so he has a whole new outlook on life. Maybe it's the road food, but a photo that was e-mailed back to us here at base of a shirtless Mike Carroll reinforces the notion we have pondered for years, Mike Carroll is Big Foots little brother. It's the only possible explanation.
There is a rumor that McCrank has boot legged the Ruby HOT BUTTER KNIFE t-shirt. Rick, if this is true, come forward!
To anyone that may have received a call from 5 or 6 girls over the weekend that may have seemed intoxicated, send in your name and address and we will send you a free pack of Diamond hardware. Sorry about that.
The bidding for the highly anticipated "HIME PRESENTS PHISH" is currently at $677.43. Wow,it turns out the people can't wait to see The Gav in action!
There was a memorial for Chick Hearn at Staples yesterday, I took purple and gold flowers and left a note with all our names signed on it. Thanks for everyone that noramally uses any Laker event to express how much they detest the rulers of the NBA for not sending any hate mail this last week, it's been nice. So, we go forward as Laker fans, wanting just a little bit more from someone that gave us so much. Next years parade just won't be the same. Just in the same city.
Well, Bob K blew a fuse in a meeting yesterday when on the heels of Jenkins saying someone was into a certain thing, Larson turned to Bob and asked "Is he Canadian?". Bob snapped! "What the fuck is that supposed to mean?". It just turned ugly from there and the last thing I saw was Bob writing some notes in his notebook. I think it might have said "CALL HOWARD AND McCRANK FOR BACK UP". Come on folks, Rush, Alanis Morisette and Teriyaki potato chips all from one country and you're going to try and bag on them? Mellow out, Tony.
If anyone has an extra copy of the Genesis album with "Misunderstanding" on it, I will trade you a Koston deck for it. It's not for me, it's for Bret but he's too scared to go into a record store and buy it. It's weird how he thinks that is shameful but feels nothing about breaking out the dollar bill joke at a party. Bret is also looking for Eddie Murphys "Party all the Time". Either album gets you a Koston deck.
Bret's from Texas. Just like Kelly Bird. Kelly Bird is in Canada keeping the Lakai tour on track. Stay tuned for Kelly's guest appearance on RING RING RING where he will expalin to us how his glass is always half full.
Ty Evans Video Voyage got off to a bumpy start. Ty realized after getting on the highway that the team was trying to set a world record for most people in one van at one time. Having no time for record setting, a second van was acquired. While in Vegas getting the second van, Rick decided to wait at the black jack table where he proved once again, if it wasn't for bad luck, he'd have no luck at all.
Stay tuned for a sample next week of Liam's new release "ALL ICED OUT IN THE 909". Goldmine Productions is said to be working on the video.
Just when you thought the IPOD case Rick purchased was as sassy as we could get, Sam and Mueller step up to the plate with Ping Pong cases to tote around their expensive paddles. They ordered them from the same company but got different colors. Although they both feel comfortable with their investment, Rick has managed to beat both of them with a $3.00 racket. "Bring your drama" was the last thing we heard Rick say to Mueller via the Girl intercom before departing on Ty Evans' Girl Video Voyage!
Jereme skated through the hallway before departing with the crew in his care free manner forgetting that sometimes we conduct business in this building. Good thing we put that skate park in. "I thought hearing my skateboard in the hallway would be a special sort of goodbye", Jereme said when reminded of the rules. Jereme is a special sort of boy.
We had mentioned that Mikey departing on the tour would be a game time decision, he's healthy and getting in the van at this very moment! Be safe, Team.
If you are in the Los Angeles area on Friday, August 9th, don't forget to stop by the Staples Center and pay tribute to the voice of the Lakers for 42 seasons, Chick Hearn. There will be a memorial for him from 8AM to 5PM.
Anyone who thinks the new Crail column should be switched to "Answer Mikey" (Tim, Sam have my back?) please send an e-mail to get your name on the petition. Today Mikey managed to keep the "what would you do if you were me" and "what do you mean" to an all time minimum of 3 times. He's becoming his own man, just like we feared.
Tim and Mikey have thought about patching up their friendship to make their stay in the South Bay more enjoyable. Rumor has it the two of them made some sort of rare art film in the past together. Speaking of short films, the bidding is now open for a one time copy of "HIME PRESENTS PHISH" starring The Gav. Keep in mind, you are bidding against some heavy hitters, start in the hundreds.
Seen the DVS sandal catalogs? Holy Mary mother of god, who would have known?
Bob K has gone up north to see a private Sammy Hagar show, and of course go to court like any other red blooded Canadian. Kelly Bird has left for Canada with a swollen ankle, like I didn't warn everyone about the Podium basketball court.
Nick likes the idea of Diamond denim, Ruby is making disposable cameras and someone has started some rumor about Crail, the monthly sort of video? Jenkins, are you at the bottom of any and all of this?.
Andy Jenkins is shopping around a clothing line he came up with. It is sort of on the down low right now but the line is called OC X-PLOSION and Andy thinks a good distribution name would be ORANGE COUNTRY. No one has seen the actual line but Andy Mueller did some t-shirt graphics and would only say "Tats and flames are a main theme". When Andy's hot, he's hot. Mueller or Jenkins.
It is rumored that one of the ugliest basketball games of all times went down recently at The Podium warehouse court. One thing to keep in mind when playing at that court is that Podium employees would rather you leave on a stretcher then leave victorious. If this means they have to come at you with no skill but all their weight, so be it. Some recent injuries include Kostons dislocated thumb and Gavin's stage three sweat rash. Harsh competition.
Lisa Leslie dunked in a WNBA game the other day. Cool, glad I got that out there.
Stay tuned for your Q rating!.
It's a sad day today but we need to celebrate the life of a great part of basketball history. Chick Hearn, in our hearts forever.
Coming soon Crail is going to be offering you information on your Q rating at no charge. "What's my Q rating?" you ask? Wait and see. I'll give you a hint, Mikey's Q rating is off the chain.
Bob K is considering releasing a cover of "Sweet Child O Mine" with Liam on back up. "Our style of rock is very different, but if you want to rock, I want to roll" was all Liam had to say on the subject. Bob was in the closet for a while with his career but thanks to some beer and a microphone, he's out (not to be confused with two turn tables and a microphone... it was just beer and a microphone... cool).
The Cannonball trip takes off on Thursday and we will let you know at game time if Mikey is leaving or not. His injury is very strange, if there are girls to dance with and hit on, he's healthy. If there's a demo to do, the ankle acts up. One of the oddest injuries in history. If you don't include a concussion from falling baggage.
Tim Gavin will soon be asking himself "Why am I at Chillers on a Saturday night?". God be with you, Tim.
Mike Leon celebrates one year of wedded bliss. It seemed like just yesterday when Tony turned Mikes wedding into a musical. Congratulations, Mike and Laura.
One correction from a previous column: Sam Smyth's new ceaser cut isn't "Chocolate Brown", it's called "Semi Sweet".
The lights are out, the door is closed... Chick Hearn, RIP.
OK, so an immediate stop had to be put on the walk out for a good cause. I need to ask everyone to say a prayer for Chick Hearn. He slipped and fell in his back yard and has had to undergo two brain surgeries in the last 48 hours. Please, whatever you pray to, pray for Chick. I promise to send a prayer your way when you're in need. Thanks.
Um, I think todays column was up for about 12 hours and I woke up to two messages asking "if" or "why" I was making fun of them. Folks, I'm making fun of us! That's the point. I just didn't think I would have to title the column "HEY, I'M MAKING FUN OF US".
We're a flawed bunch over here, with bad hair cuts and neurotic habits. I wasn't making fun of the guy from the Milwaukee Braves, it was an inside joke to make fun of someone here that has run over 40 races and can only ever get 2nd place. More then a dozen times, losing just by seconds. Tons of 2nd place trophies look funny laying around so I was making fun of that person.
Deep in my heart, I realize when a group of us is walking into the Staples Center with all that purple and gold gear on, we look somewhat dorky. In ways we are very dorky, I realize this. We're easy to make fun of, I don't need to look outside this group for material.
And the "Asking Rick Mike Scott and Eric what's in your backpack?" is making fun of us. I saw a photo of about 8 or 9 of them in a hotel room and everyone had the same stuff laid out. A laptop, an Ipod, a cell phone, stickers and some Pro Activ skin care items. Hey, I'm making fun of us.
We have a lot of things to make fun of and since another company probably wouldn't want to hire someone to come watch one of us that has to drive in a car alone, or one of us wipe their office down each day with rubbing alcohol or wonder why one of us works half the day with their t-shirt pulled over half their face, or anylize the three people in the constant debate of "PETE YORN, SUCKY OR SUPER?" and then post a column on their website about it, I thought I would do it.
I'm staging a walk out, you're all way too sensitive.
Kids, today in history is a biggy. This day in 1949, the Basketball Associatation of America and the National Basketball League merged to form the NBA. And if they hadn't, who knows where the three-peating NBA champions, The Los Angeles Lakers would be. God bless the purple and gold.
It's getting deep again, we're back to hair do's. Team Manager Smyth is so comfy with his new do that he can't be bothered with questions about it. When Rick asked him what inspired him, Sam just gave him a "dude, I don't have time" stare. Mike is still rocking the full main and Rick is worried about frizziness on the sides. Gino has gone blonde, Eric is going back to the wig and Ty is in the Bahamas doing who knows what to those long locks. Rob Abeyta has taken a week off but his hair never changes, not even by a single hair. For years we thought he was a secret miilionaire and that he had a team of hair dressers to make sure that nothing changed but it turns out he does this all on his own! Rob is a hair genius. Mike Leon has a bit of growth but had a wig on today so things are a little sketchy on that front. Liam was at Girl today and had new high lights that had him looking red hot and rocking. Eric "I'm a 65 year old man in a 23 year old body" Anthony is sporting the "thought it was a perm but it's not, bro, it's au-natural" full and fluffy summer style. What more could you ask for in an international sales person?
If anyone has a copy of the Devo "GATES OF STEEL" single, send it to RING RING RING and you will get a Koston deck in return. Must receive by 8/20/02. Stay tuned for tomorrow when we ask Eric, Rick, Mike, Scott and the boys "Hey Bro, what's in your back pack?" SASSY!
SEND THE DEVO SINGLE
If you are reading this and you are a person that is easily angered by my love of the Three-Peating World Championship Lakers or by the fact that I am not doing my part to empower women, I think todays column is for you.
Today I simply take a look at August 2nd in history. Not a good day for some of us in 1991. It was the day that Rick James was arrested and charged with holding someone as a sex slave and torturing them. Ladies, being a sex slave does not empower us as women. And as you can see it is against the law, fellas. Let's all take a lesson from that Super Freak.
And on this day in 1959 Bill Bruton of the Milwaukee Braves hit two triples with the bases loaded. Some people say that was the best day of his career but I don't think he felt that way. Two chances to get a grand slam and all he can do is triple? Reach back, dude. The bases are loaded. His nick name isn't Bill "Blow It" Bruton? Shaq would never let his team down like that. Oops.
Welcome to a new month. August is when we have a big family surprise birthday party for Rick, Tim and Mike as their birthdays are all a few days apart. Last year we had a party for them and Sung was in charge of getting them to the restaurant on time. He did a fine job and the party was a success. People were smashing cake on each other, pouring beer down peoples shirts, taking helium hits out of the balloons, it was great fun. Actually, so much fun that the three of them don't need a party this year. Cool, done.
I was going to try and give some baseball highlights but I tried listening to sports radio last night so I would be an informed reporter. Baseball updates on AM radio are better then sleeping pills. Next thing I knew, it was morning. All I can tell you is that Randy "The Rat" Johnson of the AZ Diamondbacks struck out 15 people in a game. I can also tell you that he is very unattractive as I saw him in Sports Illustrated the other day.
Just a side note: Marion that e-mailed me and suggested I use this column to "empower women" rather then the "same sorts of nonsense found all over the web". Let me know what I can do to help. Maybe put a "Girls Kick Ass" sticker on my bass and form an all girl band? And by the way, "the same sort of nonsense found all over the web"? I never see sites as lame as Crail Tap anywhere. Send me some links, sister!
I think it is important sometimes to acknowledge the subtle things that tie the Girl family together. Just look at the group of us that decided to grow our hair out for the summer: Mike Carroll and Rick Howard, shown here. Not shown, but taking part in the Summer Of Long Flowing Locks: Eric Koston, Bob K, Megan B, Kelly Bird, Rudy Johnson and of course Eti, the warehouse sheriff. Not to be lopped in with a bunch of band wagoning wanna be's, Team manager Sam Smyth stepped up to the plate with a coffee brown ceaser cut. Talk about hitting one out of the park. Is this a sports column? Scott Johnston is still rocking the "Just looks a little messy but took hours to achieve" style. He's so hot right now.
Wow! Get your hands
on the Lakers 2001-2002 NBA Finals DVD, it's so hot right now! Some
of the highlights include the obvious "Big Game Rob" three pointers
but there is also all sorts of other little goodies like Shaq singing
the theme song from Cheers to Vlade. I almost cried when they showed
Vlade after the Lakers beat them. Not really, but it's funny to say
that, right? I liked the way the people that edited the video tried
to make it look like there was some sort of series in New Jersey. More
like WHO JERSEY, bro.
Brian Shaw resigned with the Lakers for 1.3 million dollars. That's good news. The Shaw-Shaq redemption continues. Shaq has passed all the necessary tests to become a law enforcement officer. That will be so fun when he retires and gets to break up the riots when the Lakers win the championship every year.
For people that
are a bit apprehensive about the types of questions they can direct
and his new advice
column, here is a brief list of questions that Mikey asks me on a regular
So, as you can see, Mikey feels comfortable asking just about anything.
BELOW FOR THE 2002 NBA FINALS, CRAILTAP STYLE: