ENTRY #325
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 11, 2003

The Lakers have the night off. They play The Mavericks tomorrow night and I heard they are making special elbow guards for Malone just in case Nash tries to smash his face into his elbows again.

Sad news, we are letting Mikey go. Don't ask me, I like the guy and I wanted to keep him around for a long time but Scuba Lee said shake him. It's a real bummer, especially since he and Rickk got matching cars. And matching IPODS and matching smoked glass on the dash of the matching cars and matching...you get the idea.

Ever heard Skin use the "f" word? Nobody curses as well as this guy, seriously. I may have suggested this already but if you get to talk to him in the future, make sure you steer the conversation towards subjects that will get him even slightly pissed and you're going to be stoked. He puts "fuckin" in the middle of sentences so smoothly, might be the accent but it's nice cursing.

Just so you can see how live this this column is, dialing The Gav, phone ringing, operator asked who it is, straight to voice mail.
Calling the cell phone, ringing, harsh screen, straight to voice mail. Maybe he's at the gym.
We'll post his number tomorrow to see if you have better luck.

Did you know what George Gershwin and Fidel Castro have in common? They both are famous people with their moon in Aquarius. An Aquarius Moon lends imagination and the common touch to your dynamic, exuberant forcefulness; this is a wonderful combination for people in public life.

 

ENTRY #324
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 10, 2003

I really thought The Lakers had their work cut out for them last night but it turned out that The Knicks are consistent, they still suck. Van Horn is a real asset, I say with him on board, they'll totally be in like 5th or 6th in the east.
Turn up the hate, haters.

I guess the Canucks lost again in OT last night. Supra Pete contacted me but the whole e-mail was written in Canadian and I couldn't understand it.

Here's something that I thought you might like from an old Ukranian folk tale:
All of the beasts obeyed Noah when he admitted them into the Ark. All but the unicorn. Confident of his strength he boasted, "I shall swim". For forty days and forty nights the rains poured down and the oceans boiled as in a pot and all the heights were flooded.
Do you like it? Cool because I have been nervous that this column sucks.

Mikey, can you grab the Marlboro hardpacks for Monday night? Thanks bud.

Bird's Mental Make Over is over. I knew the guy was just going through a little phase or something. He's back to being super pissed.

 

ENTRY #323
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 9, 2003

The Lakers play The Knicks tonight. I didn't know who the Knicks were until Pat Riley went to coach there.
The Knicks are from the east so they lost tonight.

Scuba Lee is held up in his house looking for a lowered van that is going to be making a drop off. I wonder if he'll end up in a lot of trouble since the FBI checks this site now. That will be sad for him.

Got a lot of angry mail about the Unicorn Contest and now I'm all insecure about my column. What if people thought it was dumb when I wrote about Frosty's hair? Let me know if you think anything in my column is stupid so I can change it. Thanks.

Jenkins turns 28 on Saturday so we're having a big bash. We are currently taking bets to see who Andy's wife is more irritated with at the end of his birthday dinner: Spike or Tremaine.
Tremaine is the favorite.

MJ is working on graphics and acting really artsy. He won't talk about his ass anymore, he isn't drinking wine. Just a totally serious art dude. He doesn't have any shows scheduled yet but it's only Wednesday.

 

ENTRY #322
MONDAY, DECEMBER 8, 2003

Thanks to Deaven George, The Lakers got another win and when the Lakers win, we all win. Karl seemed happy to rest and watch his old team mates that will never get rings.
Before Karl Malone was a Laker, I had never heard of him or ever seen him, isn't that rad?

Found a possible bride for Tito. Meg's neighbor just moved here from Russia and is looking for "a nice person to drink wine with". Just ask for him by name, babe. The only thing that might stand in the way of the future Mrs. Larue is the fact that she rollerblades. If Tito can get past that, Love Connection, party of two.

Scuba Lee is not feeling the idea of the Chargers moving to LA from SD. I agree it is important for SD to keep them and I am backing Scuba Lee's one man mission that he has titled "KEEP SD CHARGED". Write your congress person, tell your friends, call Lee directly but we need to keep The Bolts where they belong, two hours south.

Harsh Hair Update: Podium still holding the record for most gel in one building, Bob K trimmed the Manson style and now looks like a guy that writes sad poems, Frosty has the straight look and Mikey is still totally 80's.

 

ENTRY #321
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 6, 2003

The Lakers had the night off last night but I think David Stern is making Malone sit out a game for that little incident with Nash the other night. I knew he hurt his elbow and it takes the head of the NBA to tell him, "Mailman, you need to rest that elbow, I know you want to do your job and be a role model for the kids but you need to rest that elbow". Karl's the best. He should get a rabies shot, I think Nash's teeth broke the skin.

Bird's Mental Make Over Update: Ladies, it's possible he's not the dick you met so many times at clubs and parties. I know it's hard to believe, I've been there many a time when he makes you want to crawl in a corner and hide due to his bad behavior. But it looks like the guy is taking a look at himself AND I think someone might be reading The Daily Dose and reflecting.
I told you about his realization the other day and now yesterday he comes in my office, realizes I'm busy and politely excuses himself. How do you say "new attitude" in Texas?

Yesterday Bob K sent me a long e-mail regarding something that was giving him an ulcer. A good friend would have e-mailed him right back but a great friend dedicates part of their column to him. That's me, high road 24-7.
Bob, I think you and I can solve this and I'm sending you story boards to explain how. (Spike taught us that nothing can be properly executed without story boards).
But for now I think we should just rejoice that the both of us are shallow. Think about it, I'm going to get you a designer gift in about an hour and you'll forget you were ever bummed. Well, you'll forget until the next update but we'll deal with that then.

If you live in AZ, you are banned from e-mailing The Tap. Not banned FROM The Tap, just don't e-mail. You can sew our patches on your jacket and discuss what Tito might be up to at parties but remember, don't e-mail us.
The Gav didn't leave for nothing, he left for a reason, OK? Sorry, Arizona, we're really fond of most of you but a few bad apples spoil the whole bunch. (I didn't make that apple saying up, Mikey did).

What about a laxative called SHITASTIC? A lot of people contact me and tell me that I talk about butts and poop too much. Do you want the news or do you want watered down lists of what music we're listening to? I thought so. So when MJ tears his butt open and has to wear a maxi pad, I have to tell you. And when Rickk eats beets to see how fast he can shit them out, again my job. And I never even told you about the time that The Mez, The Gav or The Hime crapped their pants so get off my back.

Scuba Lee, did you get my package or are you in police custody?

 

ENTRY #320.5
PART 2 FOR FRIDAY, DECEMBER 5, 2003

Looks like The Haters slept in today. Didn't get contact from them until a little later then usual. Tig is usually typing as the clock runs down during the last 10 seconds of each Laker game. His hate is so live. You're all forgiven. Especially Supra Pete. He's coming off a loss to a team called The Flames. That has to sting.

 

ENTRY #320
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 5, 2003

See that Laker game last night? That was so lame when Nash smashed his face into Malone's elbow. I hope they fine Nash for that, it looked like Karl's elbow was really hurt.
The Maverick's are good.

In a startling yet life changing reflection, Bird realized that he's sort of a complete nightmare when he doesn't like something or someone. He was in the middle of explaining someone to me that he feels is a total dick when they don't like someone and all the sudden a big light bulb appeared over his head and he said, "woah, sort of like me". There's hope, folks. The guy is flowering and coming into his own like a troubled teenage girl.

I think it would be rad for The Skateboard Mag to design that tunnel for the Crop Dusters to get to SD and back to LA using a seven stage bong as the sort of model for the whole tunnel. Who might have a seven stage bong laying around their house? Scuba Lee? Anyone?

You know those fumigation tents they put over houses when the house is taken over by termites? Mikey does.

That Bruce Springsteen song, Glory Days, has been stuck in my head for two days. Yep, that's a pretty good addition to this column. Really gives you some insight into what we're about.

Emmet confided in Megan last night that his dad told him not to get into handrails. Hmmm....

 

ENTRY #319
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 4, 2003

The Spurs are so good. Right?

Bob K made up some story about why he needed to get some really short Ruby velour shorts for this weekend. Whatever, Bob.

Tito came by today. He got a look at MJ's ass last weekend and gave it a big thumbs up. It's healed and with a little aloe vera and a little love, MJ will walk away without a scar. We'll be holding a contest to see who gets to apply the aloe, Bird or Bob K.

If anyone knows of a good lawyer that can help Mikey sue people just because they make him feel sad, drop us a line.

The Jefferson Brothers are now known as The Crop Dusters. Holy Smoke, I had no idea Ty made Chomp with a bunch of stoners. And Scuba Lee?

Hime, fresh off his Phish tour with The Gav, has gone to Cabo. Sometimes all that spinning around in fields and splashing patchouli oil at each other can result in the need for a good long rest on the beach. He might also need to take some time to reflect on Red Bull and Vodka and secrets of that nature.

Little Emmet Jenkins is taking the night off from being a well rounded, well behaved, straight A student so that he can hang out with Megan. Last time this happened, Andy gave Megan the ol' "If you're going to give him a whole bag of Starburst, why do I even need to get him a babysitter" look.

 

ENTRY #318
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 3, 2003

I'm dumb, I found out today in an e-mail that was sent to me. Sad.

 

ENTRY #317
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 2, 2003

The Lakers have the night off, Phil Jackson is coach of the month and Indiana beat Phoenix last night. This column should be called The Randoms. Oh wait, there already is a column called that. Maybe this column could be called The Big Stupid. Or Dumb and Dumber. Whatever, who even cares what it's called.

What's up with The Rick's:
ELECTRIC CARS:
Howard: Skeered
Crankers Not Skeered
Raymond: Skeered
8 SHORTBREAD COOKIES AT ONE TIME:
Howard: Not Skeered
Crankers: Not Skeered but not interested
Raymond: Not Skeered of Cookies at all
SWEATPANTS:
Howard: Not Skeered
Crankers: Skeered
Raymond: Not Skeered

I can't believe The Gav tried to sell me a load of goods about throwing his shoulder out of the socket just so he could go on a Phish tour. Timmy, it's me. If I stuck by you through the lowered Honda and Ikea furniture fantasy, I'm not going to ditch you because you want to swirl around a muddy field in tie dye with a bunch of loadies.
Come home, Timmy. I'm benching like 160 and bought a parking pass at the gym.

Thanks for all the correspondence regarding the unicorn contest in The Randoms. I can see how this is very puzzling and difficult to get your mind around. I mean all the other contests made a lot of sense and you could really see what our vision was but this one, WOWWY! It really makes you stop and scratch your head and say, "They were so focused at The Tap, what went wrong? Could it be a change in staff? Did they come up with it when they weren't at their desk where they would normally have the Crail Tap mission statement pinned up in front of them? What could it be?"

 

ENTRY #316
MONDAY, DECEMBER 1, 2003

If you're in first place in the east, then The Lakers can only beat you by about 30 points. Or something like that. Oh, and Pollard looks so cool in a Pacers uniform.

Hey Scuba Lee, it's 4:20 right now.

Need to make a correction to The Rick's update yesterday:
CHICKEN McNUGGETS:
Howard: Skeered
Crankers: Skeered
Raymond: Not Skeered
Sorry about that, I hope no one made any hasty moves or decisions based on the misinformation from the previous day.

I have to go, I am having a party tonight for my two little cupcakes. Can you smell them from there?

 

ENTRY #315
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 30, 2003

The Spurs played pretty good on Friday, did you see that? I think Supra Pete's server is down as well as his cell phone service because I haven't heard from him since the win. He usual likes to contact me, oh wait, that's when the Laker's lose, that's why we never talk.
His Canucks are in first place in the west in the NHL so maybe he's lost in his own haze of victory. I know the feeling.

Today we bid farewell to the SD Tip of The Day as well as Long Island Jon. He's a trend forecaster and now that we have really taken time to think about this, we realize the following:
- He knows what's hot on his own, he doesn't need our tips, he's a trend forecaster.
- He'll realize we're not all that cool, he's a trend forecaster
- We have to ban him from The Tap, he's a trend forecaster.

Good Luck Jon and thanks for cooking at the BBQ that one year.

Which Rick is Skeered?
CHICKEN McNUGGETS
Howard: Not Skeered
Crankers: Skeered
Raymond: Not Skeered
VANCOUVER WINTERS:
Howard: Sorta Skeered
Crankers: Not Skeered
Raymond: N/A
BEING ON THE COVER OF THRASHER WITH LANCE MOUNTAIN:
Howard: Skeered
Crankers: Not Skeered
Raymond: Skeered

Just wanted to remind my friends, you don't have to say "That's not for The Tap..." at the end of confidential conversations, I have boundaries and you all know that in your heart. For example, Hime shared a secret with me regarding the difference between a Red Bull and Vodka and a beer and if I were to share that information, some of our friends might be upset. But that is between me and Hime and I know that because I have boundaries. Hime, your secret couldn't be safer if it was in a bank with armed guards.

The Gav is still a no show at Golds. Sort of sucks because Spike had a gig for him to be The Rock's stunt double in The Mummy 4 and with him falling off the weight lift wagon, he'll never get the part.

 

ENTRY #314
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 26, 2003

The Lakers beat The Wizards tonight. If I wasn't a Laker fan, I'd be a Wizards fan. How awesome would that be to go to games with all kinds of capes and wands and stuff that Wizards are into? You could pretend like you were throwing voodoo at the other team. Maybe I wouldn't be a Wizards fan, I actually write this column as I think so if it feels like you're listening to the asshole who you get stuck next to on an airplane that won't stop talking to you... that's why.

Spike is currently in Rome and we have now established he spent too much time with Ty and the two of them will need to have a mature monitor with them at all times in the future. Not that we know someone that could act as a mature monitor. There's Meza but he gets side tracked sometimes. He seems like he's sober and keeping things under control but he just isn't assertive enough. There's Jenkins but how do you get him out of the house if you are not having a motocross event?
Spike tackled someone to the ground and then said, "I was in a better mood afterwards". I knew Ty would get him and shake the nice guy right out of him.

I have to get the facts on this but Hime left me some crazy message to the effect that Karl Malone was sort of an asshole when he met him the other day. I don't believe it but how would you feel if you were just trying to play basketball and people kept smashing their faces into your elbows? You'd be pissed, too.

Harsh House Update: Frosty is too skeered to ask the guy that lives on his land with the canoe to beat it, Crankers is patching the roof for leaks and Howard likes the way the new rug he bought feels on his feet. Howard also believes a ghost lives in his house. That's right, a ghost.

If The Gav was at Golds last night he would have seen the female body builders new tattoo. It's a heart with big muscles. Why do people think weight lifters are dumb?

Long Island Jon, why you so fresh? Today's SD tip of the day comes from Megan's neighbor that once took a certain drug and thought dolphins could walk. "In Ocean Beach, there is the fucking raddest bead shop". I don't think I need to tell this to a trend forecaster but a home made puka shell necklace is a great way of saying to your new employers, "I'm clay, mold me".
It's also a way of saying to all your old friends, "It's been cool, take care".

 

ENTRY #313
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 25, 2003

Lakers didn't play last night or tonight but that doesn't mean they didn't win.

Last night I had a dream that I got to host WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE. I think I had the dream because I watched that show for a while last night. ("Living on the Edge" is my theme song, in case you were wondering).
So I get to host the show and the first contestant gets out on the first question. Just guesses without using a life line or anything and gets it wrong. So I said, "that was pretty fuckin' stupid" to the contestant and they fired me. I was really bummed because I had told a bunch of people that I got the job. I got in my car and decided to call Jenkins and he goes, "that was sort of harsh for you to say, no wonder they fired you" and I said, "I know, whatever. Where's Emmet"? and he goes "outside with Bobby" and then we hung up. And then I woke up.
You know this column sucks, why do you come back?

Momma's don't let your babies grow up to be trend forecasters! Long Island Jon, where the party at? Today's SD tip of the day comes from the guy at UPS that mentioned he grew up in SD today on the phone.
"Oh man, Leucadia has some sweet little restaurants. Your friend is stokin' out". Jon, get your chaka in gear, you're new hood is sweet!

Speaking of trend forecasting, a new added feature to The Three Rings: OUCH, IT'S ON FIRE. It's basically a quick look at what is on the horizon for cool, in a nut shell, what is so hot right now. It's free and you don't have to relocate me, just check my column.
We kick off OUCH, IT'S ON FIRE with a hair style tip: Don't highlight the hair for Spring/Summer 2004, dark is in and says to people, "I'm dark".

I found a dreadlock in Chick's hair last night which can only mean one thing, The Jefferson Brothers and Scuba Lee have been sneaking him out and lighting him up. He's three pounds, fellas. A contact high could kill him.

Heard from MJ and his ass is healing quite nicely. (Or his taint, sorry Bird). He said it is scabbing up and should be in mint condition for the holidays. He is back to wearing regular underwear and from the tone of his e-mail, I think the scar this leaves will make for great stories.

 

ENTRY #312
MONDAY, NOVEMBER 24, 2003

Lakers beat whoever they played last night. Does it really even matter anymore? Of course it does. LA beat them by over 30 points, Kobe had 28 of those points and Karl Malone had 10 rebounds. I love you, too.

You know when you're in high school and they show you those films about who to not hang around with so you don't end up trying pot and then from there turning to a life of gambling, pornography and debt? Well, I ended up in "that crowd" and I didn't even know it.
One minute you think you're enjoying yourself at a Hollywood DVD release party with some close friends, next thing you know you find out you were rubbin' shoulders with a bunch of loadies.
Pass the habit to the left hand side.

Fuckin' Bob K.

Spoke to The Gav to see when we could expect him back at Golds. Turns out Timmy golfed yesterday and threw his back out again. I feel like I'm trying to have a friendship with a 65 year old fat guy. I might cancel this effort all together. Golds suck when you can't use the mirrors to watch Tim lift.

Harsh House Update: Mikey got a cool basket sort of thing to put on his dining room table, Rickk patched holes and hung a large painting while listening to some music and Scott J bought some tile that he is waiting to install until he gets the thumbs up from the homeowners association. The three of them are also knitting a large rainbow that they will take turns hanging in each home.

Tito, call us up or your ass is grass. As opposed to right now when your ass is slashed. Tito's ass makes my column shine, right?

Long Island Jon, where you at? Well, look who's looking out for you now, it's Marni from Costa Mesa with an SD tip. "He better not want to shop down there, the shopping sucks".
Um, Marni, he's a trend forecaster, he'll tell you where to shop, babe.

 

ENTRY #311
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 21, 2003

Lakers play The Bulls tonight. Remember when that used to matter? They're 4 and 8 right now and in about 10 hours, they'll be 4 and 9.

Puffy is looking into buying The Knicks and Jay Z is looking into buying The Nets. Can't be long until Frosty owns The Clippers.

The Randomer and The RInger are usually pretty tight, we tend to see things eye to eye. But chill with posting cute little nicknames for a girls privates. I don't think you want to scroll through my column and see my buddies top 5 names for his tool.
And don't try and come back at me with the fact that I talked about MJ's ass for a week straight. There is a fine laceration between what we deem appropriate.

I know I mentioned that those of you keeping an eye out for The Gav should be looking for a much larger man due to his regular visits to Golds Gym. Well, Timmy got a little happy on one of the machines and it looks like he's out for a few weeks. He might lose a little bulk so he'll look like your average size eskimo.
Turns out Tim didn't really do the math before he jumped on the machine you lock your legs into and then use your leg strength to lift your upper body. Pretty nice little work out for the person who's head isn't 6 times the weight of the rest of their body. Just because he's Vice President of Podium doesn't mean he majored in Physics. Get well soon, Timmy.

What do we have for Long Island Jon? Well, it's an SD tip of the day. Indiana Jessica comes back in with an after thought: "There's a youth hostel in Ocean Beach if he runs out of money". Some of these tips are just for laughs. How on god's green earth would a trend forecaster run out of money? Duh. He's all about what's happening next so he knows how to plan. He'll tell you when we put bars over his eyes in all photos of him from now on what the color of that bar should be. Right now, that bar is so pink.

It's a total ass cleanse Friday!

 

ENTRY #310
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 20, 2003

Guess who took a bite out of the Big Apple last night? Nope, not Mikey, The Lakers. LA beat NY by about 20 points which just goes to show Long Island Jon will be happier in Cali. He can become a Padres fan and that new stadium is so hip. He'll trend forecast the shit out of that place.

Speaking of Long Island Jon, Bird is looking out for him today with this SD tip: "There's a hot spot right on the corner of Thomas and Mission Blvd called The Open Bar. Don't let the name fool you, it's a quality spot with real quality patrons and a great place to have a couple of drinks after a long day of trend forecasting. The beach is about 100 yards away so it's no problem to end that great day with an even better sunset".
Jon, do you need an assistant? You're new life in SD is so on blast.

Is it strange that after I asked my neighbor if there was any reason he listened to Houses of The Holy on repeat somehow the words "GO TO HELL" ended up in the dust on my back window?

Lee Dupont has not made any contact with us today. What if he is lost in a fog of smoke with a severe contact high? God knows Lee would never touch that stuff.

Ty likes to shake his head a lot at Spike. It's a sort of, "Dude, where in the hell did you come from?" sort of gesture which I think Ty means in the nicest possible way.

What's up with The Rick's? No sign of Raymond or Crankers but Howard is so on blast with the cleanest colon this side of AZ. Even if you think you're colon is cleaner, the idea of challenging someone to that is really sort of sick so let's just give him the title and call it a day.

I think MJ's ass is all cool. I mean, he is going up to girls and saying, "Hey, check out my cool ass" so that could only mean that, right. One time I was riding bikes with my friend Marianne and the bike seat went really far up her ass when we went off a curb and she just laid on the grass and started crying. I, as usual, took the high road and got on my bike and left. She just kept saying, "my butt, my rectum" and I was like 8. I just thought to myself, "lame for her but what can I do, I'm 8 and what if she wants me to look at it?". I've been shallow for years it turns out. I totally forgot what we were talking about. I guess I could skim back through but it looks like too much to read.

 

ENTRY #309
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 19, 2003

The Lakers lost last night but that doesn't really matter because Shaq was just one board shy of a double-double. Go Lakers!

Harsh Hair Update: I know it's been a while since we gave you a peek into the styles that are us but I took a look around the room yesterday and HOLY SALON! Bob K and Spike are rocking the same sort of black goth yet sensitive style, Frosty is feathered and layered, Meza is going full blown "check the waves" curly and Bird is still holding down the early Pat Riley. Trend forecasting, we're living it and it's dangerous.

MJ's ass update: (Screw all you people that pretended you cared about Marc just to look up his ass, users!). I guess at the actual incident, Ty was so in MJ's ass with a flash light that Rick is referring to Ty as "The Miner". We'll get back to you with comment from Ty later.

Today's SD tip for Long Island Jon comes from Ellen in Redondo Beach. "The firework show at Sea World lasts all summer, it's really cool". See Jon, while your old friends are acting like idiots shooting bottle rockets at each other, you'll be enjoying a summer long firework show. Your life can not get any better so just stop trying.

Bob K went on a date from Friendster. That should be the whole story right? Well, it isn't. When Bob K followed up with the lovely young lady to see what the odds were of some future romance he was told that although he "is one cool mofo, I didn't really feel any sparks". Mofo? That's enough to make a guy stop dating.

 

ENTRY #308.5
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 18, 2003

Got the column done before I got a call back on the SD tip of the day for Long Island Jon. Today's tip comes from Indiana Jessica: "Maybe it was just me but I was there on business for 2 months and the most fun I had was the night my friend and I took a cab to the Barona casino. Pretty sweet for the gambler on a shoe string budget, they have penny slots". Jon, I think shoe strings will be in your life but not in your budget, you're going straight for the black jack table!

 

ENTRY #308
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 18, 2003

Why is David Stern making us play The Pistons again tonight? How many times do we have to beat them before he believes that they suck? We just beat them like three days ago, this is silly.

Haven't seen The Gav at Golds in a few days. I'm sort of bummed at the difference in the results he is getting. The other night at the Laker game, I saw Hime walking to his seat and I said to myself, "why would Hime be at the game with Junior Seau?". Turns out it was The Gav. The guy is ripped.
Oh, and Timmy, just to save me that extra e-mail, try listening to Lovecats while you're on the ab machine, nice little combo.

Do you drive out of the parking lot of your job each day and say to yourself, "there's 8 hours I'll never get back"?.
Me neither.

No word on MJ's ass butt... get it? Butt? Right on, keep up the good work.

Lee Dupont and I are still good friends. He sent an e-mail from Mexico but again it was blurry. I heard some of the crops they grow in Mexico are really potent. Lee?

I think Bob K and Bird have mended the fence that crumbled between them. They seem to be back to normal, Bob K is driving a bright yellow beetle and Bird is stealing cell phones and almost getting his ass kicked.

 

ENTRY #307
MONDAY, NOVEMBER 17, 2003

Lakers beat the Heat last night by like 1000 I think. Karl Malone had 10 rebounds, that's 5 per elbow for the haters.

MJ's ass seems to be simmering down and so does the care people were showing it. Not me, I'm so up MJ's ass, I'm a lifer.
We did get a final confirmation from MJ that other than a urologist, MJ has had no one literally up his ass. He did add, "that I know of".

Speaking of asses, I think it is no secret that Frosty and Howard are a little back heavy. Not fat asses but sort of that Garth Brooks/Roy Clark type of ass. Maybe not as big as those two but you just sort of say "whoa" to yourself the first time you see the size of their asses.
Not that I was looking but I did notice Rick Raymond might be ready to join the "It's big but it's not fat" ass club. I checked with Howard and he said, "yeah, Raymond has the same problem".

Today's SD tip for Long Island Jon comes from the youngest of our crew but by far the smartest, Emmet Jenkins.
"Legoland is the best! The first time I went, I was too small to go on the rides but now I can go on everything and I love it there". Come on, Jon. "Lego" of the old you because the new you is starting to really snap together.
(Sometimes the lamer the writing, the harder I laugh, I wonder if I'm retarded).

Lee Dog and I pinky swore so I'm not allowed to sell him up the river ever again on The Tap but if we hadn't and we were still battling, I would have to tell you that Lee put global warming and getting kicked out of skate spots at the same stress level. So, Colin Powell and Lee have about the same amounts of things to worry about.
Sounds like someone's on something.

Bob K told me last week that he's "extra ordinary". I just patted him on the back and said, "go back to your cubicle, genius".

 

ENTRY #306
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 14, 2003

Lakers are going to beat The Pistons tonight at Staples Center. I wonder if Supra Pete will watch or if his mind is just too devastated after last nights Canucks loss to the Flyers. Nothing hurts more than a loss in over time. If it wasn't for Sports Center, I wouldn't have even known Pete was bumming out today. All day, totally bumming.

Holy Sugar Gang! 4 of The Oceanside 5 came by yesterday and I've never seen a group of grown men put away that much candy. Mihaly definitely was in the lead until Atiba stepped up to basically say, "Pixie Stix are only good when eaten by the dozen". I know the candy industry took a hit when Rickk quit Skittles but if these guys decide to go straight edge, that industry is through.

Which brings me to a shout out to the girl that shows up at Slam City Jam each year to win Rickk's heart. You want to bring protein bars and organic apples this year. You show up with that and you're going to be riding shot gun in the Spascalade!

(This next part is funnier if you call Oliver at Skateboarder to read it to you).
MJ's bloody ass has caused a bloody war between Bird and Crail. (The rest you can read in your regular "American" accent). It seems there is some confusion about who has their head up their ass more or someone having their head up MJ's ass. I have a call in to MJ to see who has or has had their head up his ass. I'll keep you posted. I'm hoping the answer is "no one, really".

Long Island Jon is still in the east but when he gets to the west we have nothing but big plans for him in San Diego County. Today's tip comes from Melinda of Costa Mesa, "One time we just went to Bird Rock in La Jolla and drank beer and watched the seals". Jon! You are about to embark on a life most of us only dream about.

Meg heard The Gav didn't make it to Gold's last night because he went to eat at Arby's. Probably for the best, The Gav doesn't need to walk into Meg being spotted while listening to "Lovin' Touchin' Squeezin'" on the IPOD.

 

ENTRY #305
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 13, 2003

Yo Pete at Supra? How about those Raptors? You should make Vince Carter a Red Dragon. Oh, wait, you don't have any Red Dragon powers anymore! I watched the Laker game at Gold's Gym. It's crazy how athletic you feel watching the game from the ab machine.

What's up with the Andy's? Jenkins came in 6th place in a motocross race this past weekend, Mueller is putting the finishing touches on the Lakai catalog and Gibb was the hottest Bee Gee.

"Long Island Jon" or as he'll soon be known, "Cardiff Jon" gets another San Diego tip today from Lardog. "When he has single friends in town, he has to take them to Yogi's in Cardiff. Hottest chicks this side of the Mississippi".
I guess Lardog's never been to Godmothers.

The Gav got Meg tickets to an Usher concert in an effort to smooth things over after pretending he didn't see her at Gold's.

After some struggles to trademark and own the name "Spike Jonze presents Bird's Backyard Ramps" and after Spike got some time to really get to know Kelly in his element, the project has taken yet another twist. It's now called "Spike Jonze presents Bird's Sour Power". The premise is this: Bird is on a four person panel, drinking, and discussing issues that are near and dear to his heart. The other three people on the panel, don't know it at the start of each show, but they strongly disagree with Kelly. For those of you not fortunate enough to be on the opposing end of an issue in an exchange with Kelly, wow. This ones a ratings winner!

Mikey hasn't asked me a question in three days. This place sucks now!

 

ENTRY #304
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 12, 2003

The Lakers are going to beat The Raptors tonight. Unless they bring out actual Raptors and then in that case I don't think The Lakers can do it. Shaq and Malone are big but they couldn't fight off 2 ton prehistoric creatures. Kidding! They still could win.

I'm really worried about the fate of The Diarrhea Cupcakes. They were fine when Tito was fixing the house and Raymond was building ghetto slip and slides. But now you have Tito hanging out with MJ who's getting all extreme and ripping his butt open. It just seems like this could cause The Cupcakes to drift apart.

What's up with The Roberts? Bob K looks like Marilyn Manson without his make up on, Rob Abeyta took the day off yesterday to calculate everyone's karma points and Larson, who I am pretty sure didn't want me to tell you his real name was Robert is burning incense. (Which by the way for karma points, is better than burning bridges).

Jon Buscemi is extreme, are you? Well, even if you are, it won't be long until Jon's more extreme than you and we'll give you his cell number if you don't believe us.
Today's SD pointer for Jon comes from Lardog. "Dude, my advice to you is just chill in the Gaslamp".
Which leads me to a tip for Bird: "Dude, just don't chill in the Gaslamp on the lower level of clubs without your shirt on where Buscemi is chillin' on the upper level with a beer".

Hime? Is that pretty girl you were with on Halloween still telling people you're sweet? You didn't hypnotize or dose her, did you? Just because that's against the law and some of that stuff she was telling us would really only come from someone that was dosed or frightened. Hime?

Kids, be glad you're not a House Sparrow (Passer Domesticus for the smart kids). The House Sparrow is made to leave the nest when it is 15 days old. You wouldn't survive on the streets for an hour if that was you. You'd be whining and crying and crapping everywhere. See how good you have it?

 

ENTRY #303
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 11, 2003

That was awesome of the Lakers to let Memphis win for Jerry West. Talk about the high road. I didn't think I could love them anymore then I already did.

What's up with The Kenny's? Kenny Anderson is probably break dancing some where in the South Bay area and Kenny Loggins wrote some good music for the Footloose soundtrack.

No sign of The Gav at Gold's last night. That place is lame on Monday's. Everyone that over eats all weekend shows up to try and get in shape and feel better about themselves. So irritating. On every other night that place is really awesome.

I wonder if Jon Buscemi will just change the 310 part of his phone number to 760 when he moves to be with his new employer. I think 760 goes better with the next part of his current phone number, 270. Don't you think? Maybe when I give the last part tomorrow you'll think it has a nice ring to it.
And our SD tip of the day for Jon comes from one of the Oceanside 5, Kevy Wilkins. "If Jon has a hairy chest, get a rash guard. It's a bitch trying to pick surf wax out of your hair".

I have to go, sometimes we actually work around here.

 

ENTRY #302
MONDAY, NOVEMBER 10, 2003

I waited for all the Haters to get their correspondence in regarding the Lakers/Spurs game. Bird weighed in with a phone call but no e-mail. He was on a plane on Friday when we lost to the Hornets so he didn't get to call me on that one either. And Supra Pete has not weighed in on that loss.
I love the Lakers, really, with all my heart. I love everything about them. Even when they put Horace Grant in, I still love them.

Anonymous e-mails are so courageous. I deleted the e-mail because I got nervous that the stupidity packed into it could become air born and then I would end up stupid, too.
The internet is sort of new but you can browse the world wide web and you don't have to look at our site at all. Really, I do it all the time. For instance, I have no interest in the Buffalo Bills so when I am cruising around looking at sites, I just don't go to their site. So easy, I know you can do it too.
And I think the way I am handling this web browsing might be healthier. Maybe if I turn it around for you, you can sort of see what I mean. What if, like I said, I had no interest in the Buffalo Bills? I don't like the team, I don't like football and I don't like their city. Wouldn't I seem a touch retarded if I sent them anonymous e-mails telling them that their uniforms are gay, and the weather in their city is "for fags" (you're good) and the team is a total embarrassment? See? In a nutshell, and a nice way, I'm sort of telling you you're a total prick face.
But if you think us making a Ruby skateboard for Staba is "the fucking gayest thing you've ever heard of", Ruby also made Andy Jenkins sketch pads and Mike Carroll vitamin boxes. Now what's the gayest thing you've ever heard of?

It's sort of that time of the month for MJ......I'll let Tito tell you about it.

Spike called concerned that Ty was driving the van around Arizona wearing black knitted gloves so I spoke to Ty directly.
"When we stopped for snacks, people got Gatorade and chips and I just decided to get some black knitted gloves". Duh, Spike.

The Gav told me two things over the weekend and I can't remember if I wasn't supposed to write about that fact that he used to crimp his hair in junior high or that he was looking for a spa to get a massage and use the steam room. Call me, Timmy and which ever one I wasn't supposed to post, I'll just write tomorrow that it was a lie.

Jenna from Indiana weighs into today with a San Diego suggestion for Buscemi: "Aren't they trying to make downtown all hip but in a lame way because of the new stadium down there?". At least you know what you're up against, Jonny.

Rickk does not want any information about his diet up here so I'll let him tell you about the powder he drinks before each meal to cleanse his colon. Yummy.

 

ENTRY #301
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 6, 2003

Lakers play the Spurs tonight. I guess Tim Duncan can't play, he twisted his ankle. Ty twisted his ankle but he isn't on The Spurs. I love The Lakers, Karl Malone gets me really jazzed about the Lakers.

We have some stunning developments in the Bird and Buscemi incident. Bird needs to think back through the cloud of Budweiser and dance moves and try and remember if it was beer dumped on him or perhaps a vodka and redbull. This could be the key to patching things up with The Bird Man and The Guy that Knows that Pink is so out.

Bought some tweeker gloves to wear while I work out. They're just like the ones Tim bought. I think Tim didn't want people to know he had them or that he was working out a lot. It's sad when I can't remember what I am not supposed to tell.
I know I am not supposed to say a word about how fucking massive his arms are.

We're looking at some property in Waco to move the Girl distribution. A lot of the Girl employees have children now and we're just looking for the best community to be based so we have a bright safe future.
We all bought the same running shoes that we sleep in, I don't know why, a memo went out and we just follow orders now.

We're adding a new segment for Buscemi called "Jon's Long Weekends". This is where we ask current or past residents of the San Diego area to make some recommendations for Jon who is relocating soon and also in the market for friends.
Here's what Bird contributed: "Pasta Expresso located in Pacific Beach, nice little meal at a great price".

The yellow couches that the International Sales Department had chosen for their new offices are discontinued so Greg Carroll is currently out shopping for furniture. Pretty sure bet you're looking at something in red satin. It's also a pretty sure bet that the name of the color will include the words "love making". He's a Carroll, they're just a couple of hot blooded Romanians.

 

ENTRY #300
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 5, 2003

I'm totally into the Lakers again. The hate mail gets me pumped and ready for the season. We're 4-0. That's a pretty sweet record, right? It's sort of lame that Lee Dupont and I did the pinky shake and buried the axe because it was fun getting his Laker hate mail. Now he likes me so much that he likes everything I like and I like the Lakers. Bird hates the Lakers but he also hates everything. Except dancing, Bird loves to dance! But he doesn't like to get beer thrown on him when he's dancing. I wonder if Bird rents Flashdance and sees that scene where she pulls the water down on her if he would rethink being pissed at Jon for throwing beer on him when he's dancing. I'll rent it for him and let you know what happens with their friendship.
I think I am going to drive to the Laker parade this year with Bird and Lee. But not Buscemi, he'll be busy trend forecasting. In case you're not familiar with that, it's more than a full time job.

The international sales team at Girl has chosen yellow couches for their new office. When life hands you a choice of colors, make lemonade. That's what I always say.

Bob K told me a bunch of stuff that I will be posting later.

Mikey skated two days in a row so that means he can take three weeks off. Just like in the real working world.
Oh, and on a side note, that peach room sort of grew on him and he is going to wait until he furnishes it before he makes a decision on whether to paint it or leave it. Turn up the rainbow, I can't queer you.

Someone who works at Podium and his name rhymes with SMELLY TURD is spreading rumors that Girl has turned into a cult and we all dress alike and have a copy of the same book in each office and think we're better then everyone else and... ya know, when you start to break it down, smells like kool aide to me.

Frosty, if you're reading this, go to sleep, you need to wake up at 4AM. Seriously, if you get up at 5, you'll never have your hair ready for the shoot. Go to sleep, really.

 

ENTRY #299
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 4, 2003

Lakers are playing the T-wolves in Minnesota but I don't really care. I'm kidding, I care but I can't wait to tell you about the Laker girls. On the Laker website, you can click on the picture of your favorite Laker girl and a brief profile of her will pop up. I clicked on Frosty and Hime's favorite girl, Nikki from HB, and found out that she is a communications major at USC. Awesome!

What's up with the Rick's? Well, Raymond and Howard probably don't have as bad of a headache as Crankers does. Rest up, Rickers.

Spike admitted today that Skate Biz is smarter then he is. We supported him and told him that he will only grow and learn from this and not to get down on himself. He cried a little but agreed that this is all part of the journey. He also added, "at least I'm smarter then Rick and Ty and don't think the Chocolate Tour will be done by Christmas".

Trying to patch things up between Buscemi (soon to be known as "that guy we used to chill with") and Bird (who is still known as "I'm shining up my point of view, I have a new attitude") after a little beer dumping incident.
Bird was wearing short shorts and broke out some of his juicier dance moves in a club. Buscemi saw the moves and claims they were so lame, he had to dump the beer. Some other people are speculating that Buscemi wishes he had such sweet moves and dumped the beer in envy.
Come on, boys, you'll both feel so excited when you're reunited.

The Ronald Reagan TV show that was going to air on CBS got sort of cancelled. A bunch of people said it portrayed him in a bad light and they said it was mean to do that to an old man. If you want to watch it, you have to check it out on Showtime, not regular TV.
This column out-lames itself on a regular basis. All that stuff I just wrote about the Ronald Reagan TV show I just heard on the radio. I have such little material that I have to just listen to other people talk and type what they are talking about. But I don't really care. No, I care but not that much.
The host on the radio always interrupts people or puts them on mute when they are smarter then him. I should probably just call it a day and try and pull it together for tomorrow.

 

ENTRY #298
MONDAY, NOVEMBER 3, 2003

It's so weird how much less irritating Malone's elbows are in the purple and gold. So weird. Lakers won by about 8 points but the game was sloppy. I didn't go to the game, I don't really even care that much right now. You can still send all your e-mails though, I like deleting them without opening them first, it feels nice.

Heard from a reliable source on Saturday that Hime may not be a complete ass. Still looking into this touchy matter but this was a very reliable source. What next, someone calls us with proof Bird has a good attitude?

For all of you haters (which usually includes Bird) that write us to say that Bird really isn't that extreme, maybe if you knew he spent the night in size small women's shorts in a truck in 40 degree weather you might change your tune. Or maybe you would just say to yourself, "size small women's shorts? Not so much".

Ty is about to dump all the YEAH RIGHT footage some where and then start working on The Chocolate tour that Rick and him feel like they can get done by Christmas but Spike thinks they are both full of crap. He actually said, "those two are full of shit". I hope Ty doesn't try and fight Spike.

Oceanside 5 Update: I had a dream last night that I was at the zoo and someone whispered to me in line that they were going to set some snakes free and they were poisonous but no matter which direction I went, I could not get out of the zoo. Then I saw people getting in a hot air balloon so I ran towards it and Jessica Simpson was in the balloon. It doesn't really have anything to do with the Oceanside 5 but I haven't heard from any of them so I just wrote that other stuff about my dream. My dreams aren't really interesting, no one's are. But the only thing I know about the Oceanside 5 right now is that Wilkins one child is wearing "rich baby hand me downs" and Atiba can still dance even when holding a "Don't Shop At Ralph's" sign.
You know this column sucks so it's your own fault for coming back.

What do Spike and The Gav have in common other then being Vice President of a company? They both feel it is not a problem to do athletics or workouts in dress pants.

Don't be confused by the size of our rocks. Seriously.

 

 

ENTRY #297
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 30, 2003

Not a problem, just let me know when you need it.

 

ENTRY #296
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 29, 2003

I think Bird's cell phone is broken, I never heard from him after the game last night. Weird. Lakers won but you already knew that.
Peter from Supra has hopped aboard the "pricks that e-mail me after games" wagon and is in good company with some guy that feels comfortable having the words "favorite rapper" as part of his e-mail. Pete, we're fine but Favorite Rapper, don't contact me anymore. Your e-mail was so stupid it made me feel sad and I don't want to feel sad. Really, I know you went through a good part of your life not knowing this but you're dumb. Sorry, I know I should have let your parents tell you but I had to let you know because it is important that you know that when you go into life situations. Again, sorry to break the news, but you're a moron.

Oceanside 5 Update: Why is Ako driving a maroon Ford Focus? It's not a riddle, I really would like to know why.

I'm going to go now, I'm really busy and I should have let you know yesterday that this column was going to suck today. The Randoms guy is good about giving you a heads up when his column is lame but I lagged. Sorry. Actually, this column is consistently pretty lame so hopefully, you're not pissed.

 

ENTRY #295
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 28, 2003

Laker's tonight, opening game. You know my e-mail address, pricks.

All of us have to accept that there are just some jobs we are not suited for. Ty seems to think he could be a talent agent and refuses to accept that he can not. Why? Here's just three of the reasons:
1. You can't punch people in the face when they won't do things your way.
2. You can't say "So Sick" while negotiating
3. No shirt, no meetings

JUST LEE and Megan have laid there feud aside after JUST LEE accepted the fact that Megan was only trying to expand his network of friends. And even though JUST LEE told some people at a dinner that he wasn't afraid to punch a girl, come on, who's kidding who?
Anyway, watch your back because upon a pinky swear to seal the fact that the feud was history, they took a vow to help 100's of other people expand their network of friends.
Stay tuned for the count down to Buscemi's cell phone. If anyone is going to need a new network of friends, it's our boy, Jon. And JUST LEE and Megan are going to make that happen. Pinky swear.

Harsh Hair Update: I can't be sure but it looks like Frosty and Spike rented HAIR with Dustin Hoffman and really took a liking to some of the styles in there. Holy parted on the side!

Oceanside 5 Update: Just a shout out to Swift and Grant, Wilkins and Ako think they're only ever working out of their houses and never going into the office. RED FLAG, team! Let me know if you guys want me to fire both of them, I have a conference call option on my cell phone so I can take care of this pretty quickly. I was thinking it would be cool to fire them and then just hang up so they can sort of comfort each other.
Just let me know, I have some time open on Friday AM.

Did you know Hime never had a Big Wheel when he was a kid? Pretty well adjusted for a guy that lived through that.

 

ENTRY #294
MONDAY, OCTOBER 27, 2003

So over everything. I mean everything.
I was going to list what I was over but it is too much for the column so here is who and what I am not over:

The cupcakes.

The rest of you can take your Laker e-mails, Laker links, Laker jokes and just poor over all human existence and go back to Florida and Texas. Even if you're not from there, just go there, they're your people.

 

ENTRY #293
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 24, 2003

The Lakers lost by 6 points to The Clippers last night at The Pond. Hey Atiba, want to trade my Laker season seats for those Clipper seats? Cool. I'll throw in a piano, too.

Remember that super funny guy from Boston? I think I called him "Matty Matty Moo Cakes"?. Yeah well, I'm over him so his new nickname is "I think it is funny to have the name Frank Stallone in my e-mail address". I know it's long but it says a lot about a guy, right?
Here's his entire e-mail:
"If the Lakers even make the finals I will send you guys a pound of Dunkin Donuts coffee and some Boston baked beans. Half of your team is washed up and the other half is either in court or buys making Radio Shaq, Burger Max commercials. I'm serious about the Dunkin. You'll never make it!!". Matt
Is this some sort of weird Boston humor? Do people pay bets in Boston with coffee? What's Burger Max? Half the team is washed up? Which half? Maybe send your e-mails to another site, your humor is over my head.

I guess Lee Dupont is really mad at me. It's weird, I do a whole campaign to try and help him have a friend network world wide and he gets mad at me? Not a very appreciative guy.

What's up with The Rick's? Rickk weighs 187, Raymond is probably about 140 and Crankers is probably punching in at a clean easy 115.

Atiba, let me know if you need the Girl truck for the piano. And let me know if Frosty needs a song book to sing along with you.

 

ENTRY #292
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 23, 2003

Lakers are playing at The Pond tonight. Isn't it hilarious that The Ducks play at The Pond? Is it hilarious that The Lakers are going to play at The Pond? Has there ever been anything hilarious in this column?

Got a call from a lawyer. I guess we can't give you anymore of Lee Duponts cell phone number. And I guess Lee called Ty and said he would come to Girl and punch someone. That doesn't really scare me but what if he punches Bob K since everyone knows that he is the one that talks all the shit on Crail? That would suck for Bob. But if Lee makes us mad again, we will publish his home address or maybe just the Super Pages link so you can get directions too!

I have to go, I have to help Atiba and Eric find Laker Season Seats. It starting to look like you have the green light on the piano, Atiba.

 

ENTRY #291
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 22, 2003

The Lakers are playing at The Pond tonight. Wait, I think that is tomorrow night. I really don't do a lot of fact checking for this column. Surprise Surprise.

Did you know that 9 people have asked me if I was going to put Lee Dupon't entire cell phone number up on The Tap? Now if you want to talk about coincidences, 9 just happens to be the next digit in Lee's cell number!
Weird sort of numerology thing, right?

What's with all the brush fires? Bob K used to be in a band called Brush Fire, he played keyboards.

I guess as long as the underwear you're wearing, even if it looks like it belongs to a 65 year old woman and you're a young man wearing it, as long as the underwear was a gift, it's totally fine to wear it. Sometimes Bird is not only extreme, he's smart.

What's up with The Rick's? Crankers left his favorite Matix t-shirt at Rickk's and it had to be Fed Exd to him, Raymond is a cream filled caca eclair and Howard now has a new work out that doesn't allow him to move his neck the following day.

Hime.

 

ENTRY #290
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 21, 2003

Did the Lakers lose last night? I was busy responding to all those nice e-mails from Laker Haters about Kobe having to go to trial. Thanks for those, really. It really reinforces that feeling I have that humans are a special special breed.

That noise you heard last night was Tito doing his own brand of meditation at the Champagne Palace. We're going to have a "Tito needs some new shit because you pissed him off and he broke all his old shit" party.
He's registered at Crate and Carroll, Pottery Barn and William Sonoma. He needs throw pillows galore so everyone get shopping.

Is is just a coincidence that Lee Dupont made the ZERO video and that is the next digit in his cell phone number? I tend to think so. I wonder why he hasn't sent me any photos lately? I guess soon we'll all be able to call him and ask him. Miss you, Lee.

We haven't talked about The Hime lately. (I just put that to make him nervous).

If you're a hard hitting reporter, feel free to call the people in the apartment building next to Girl for a hot story. They said if we don't dim the parking lot lights, they're going to get a lawyer. Now, there's a story!

Spike is still locked in the tangerine room in Stockholm but is due for release this weekend. He's been skating around the city with his IPOD. See what happens when Ty doesn't keep an eye on him? He just starts fucking around wasting our time and money.

Why not wear tight white underwear that looks like you dug it out of your aunts dresser?

 

ENTRY #289
MONDAY, OCTOBER 20, 2003

You have to love the consistency of The Lakers, another loss by almost 20. And Shaq decided his heel didn't hurt anymore so he helped with the loss.

I got an e-mail from JUST LEE, it was fuzzy so I couldn't tell but I think it was him giving the thumbs up. I think he is enjoying the count down to his cell phone being public knowledge on The Tap. It's too bad that JUST LEE isn't a Laker fan because the next digit in his cell phone number is the same number on Kobe's jersey. Thanks for the photo, Lee. See you soon.

Bird almost found out what it would feel like to have his ass kicked by 7 longshoremen while a table full of girls watched. Why not make fun of a guy three times your size when you're hammered? Why not make fun of the bouncer when you're not a local? Why not wear a high fashion shirt to an art show?

I got an e-mail from another asshole in Florida. Maybe there are just a lot of assholes in Florida or maybe The Tap is really popular in Florida so that is where I get a lot of correspondence from.
Dude, is the m key sticking on your keyboard or did your glamorous education in Fort Lauderdale not cover spelling? There are two m's in immoral, not three, dipwad. And although I did get the point that you have never been down for Girl or "Choclate", and I realize in those parts that is probably how folk with such deep intellectual power pronounce it, it's spelled "Chocolate".

Mueller announced Saturday night that he has a posse. What are you going to do? If the guy says he has a posse, we gotta back him.

 

ENTRY #288
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 17, 2003

Just when I thought I was having a bad day, I get an e-mail with the subject "cut the shit". Today's Karl Malone fun fact goes to Matt B in Boston MA, who I am am assuming is nursing some pretty serious Red Sox wounds.
OK, Matty Matty Moo Cakes (that's my new nickname for you), this fun fact is just for you: Did you know that when Karl Malone was in college, he sent another player to the hospital and his coach had to beg him to apologize? There's no denying it, The Mailman can be a bit of a prick. And how dare you, Matty, call him the 2nd dirtiest player in the NBA next to The Worm! Karl's way more of an ass then Rodman could ever hope to be.
Thanks for the e-mail and Go Celtics!

Did you know that if you subtract 34 from Shaq's jersey number you get the third digit in JUST LEE'S cell phone number? Well you do now.

Mikey's house update: The room that was supposed to be painted Salmon but ended up looking like it was apricot or peach, Mikey has decided has to go! He is going to paint the room himself. You know what this means? There's going to be a MIKEY art show on the horizon, this is how it all starts.

Harsh Sweaty Palm Update: Nick Tershay.

Don't you hate when you send your personal assistant to get the FOOT LOOSE soundtrack and she accidentally gets the FLASH DANCE sound track? Me too.

 

ENTRY #287
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 16, 2003

Lakers against the Cavaliers tonight at 7:30 sharp. Oh, and the second number in JUST LEE'S cell phone number is 6.

Mikey's house is coming along just fine. Hardwood floors are in, paint is done, appliances in place and termites in three of the rooms. It's the luck of The Romanians.

Every time I open my arms back up to the Diarrhea Cupcakes, they take a huge crap. Tito and Raymond, you're the cupcakes. Know it, love it, smell it.

After that angry e-mail to Sanger calling him an art fag, I took a long hard look at the Girl Art Dump. They really are art fags. Lots of messenger bags and a couple of them wear Weezer glasses. Bob K always has art guy sweaters on. Larson can get really deep and sing love songs. If you're looking for art fags, we're your one stop shop.
Carnahan is the only guy in the Art Dump that sort of throws it off. He's a little too tough, we'll work on him and see if we can't get him to work some old poetry or something deep into his next tat.

What's up with The Rick's? Well, Howard is just getting the scent of tea tree oil out of the Spascalade, Crankers has announced that he cares more about Skateboarder Magazine then The Bachelor, Raymond is a smelly little drifter that needs to call us and Schroeder was awesome in The Champ.

SPIKE JONZE PRESENTS BIRDS BACKYARD RAMPS is now called SPIKE JONZE PRESENTS IRRITATED, PARTY OF 1. After reviewing some tape, Spike felt that Bird harming children wouldn't look good on his resume. But Bird ruining full grown adults is just how Bird lives so really Spike is just shooting a documentary. Stay tuned.

 

ENTRY #286
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 15, 2003

Good thing we're not a hockey team or losing by 18 points would be gnarly. Go Lakers!

Here's the first digit of Lee Dupont's cell phone: 7
Did you see the Cubs game last night? That was JUST LEE that caught the ball and messed up the entire game for Chicago. Nice work, Lee.

Mouth to Anus boy has censored any future updates on his diet and nutrition. The fall of The Tap begins.

Just a shout out to plumbers: Don't shake the hand of the person who's drain you unclog while you're holding that snake thing in the other hand. It's uncool and more then that, it's just plain fucking gross.

Oceanside 5 update: Remember the e-mail I told you about that I received stating that "no one gives a fuck about the Oceanside 5". Well, the guy that sent it got really bummed at me for quoting him in this column and told me that I was lame and I better not use his name. Looks like someone not only gives a fuck about the Oceanside 5, they might be a little afraid of them. Admit it, you heard the story about Wilkins jumping of his mountain bike and whipping someone's ass while wearing Birkenstocks. You're skeered.

We got the offices painted and Greg Carroll's was supposed to be some special green color that heals the soul and helps with productivity. I guess the painters messed up and it is sort of a pee pee yellowish green color that is doing nothing but giving Greg a headache. On a brighter note, the accounting office is a light rosey pink and the ladies are happier than ever.

Mikey called me yesterday to tell me that he had something to ask me but forgot. You have to love the efficiency of updates like that.

 

ENTRY #285
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 14, 2003

There's a pre-season game tomorrow night and the following people will not be in section 105:
JUST LEE
BIRD

Speaking of Bird, last night during a trip to the grocery store he found himself in that age old dilemma of a checker opens her line and the jackass that is at the end of the line goes to that checker. Bird was next in line so he should be the next one that moves to that checker. Some words were exchanged, a challenge thrown out but when Bird finished paying for his goods and headed to the parking lot for a little one on one, The Line Cutter had gotten scared and left.
So Bird just wanted to have us throw it out there that if you were the dick skinner in a polo shirt that said, "have a nice life" to a guy you cut in front of last night, he'll meet you in the Staples parking lot tonight at 9:00.
And as always, it's good to remember Bird rolls deep.

I have Lee Dupont's cell phone number. Weird.

The Gav finally got a cool tattoo. Wait, did that come out wrong? I mean the weird fisherman guy is rad and the symbol that looks like the RDS logo could be cool if it actually looked like the RDS logo. I wonder if the RDS logo is trademarked and they can sue Tim.
Anyway, his new tattoo is pretty cool. (See how wrong it is when I try and be nice? I really like his tattoo. Seriously).

The Little Shitty Bran Cakes are no more. Raymond is updating with photos and travel and Tito is keeping a journal and being an artist. These two are red hot right now.

A lot of people send me e-mails asking why the stuff they send to Bob K never ends up on The Tap. There could be three possible reasons:
1. He's busy. Bob not only works as a full time employee for Girl, he runs his own flourishing company called "Self Promoting Farmer" or something like that.
2. What you send Bob K isn't funny. Lots of people in the world think they are funny but they're wrong.
3. Bob is a total prick. I've hung out with him at work, parties and other social events. He's the guy always whispering when a little person walks in or drinking his own expensive champagne that he brought and won't share. He's an asshole, plain and simple.
That being said, maybe start up your own little website.

Mouth to Anus Boy AKA Rickk is feeling much better now. Maybe his system was just in shock. When you go from two pounds of Skittles to no sugar, might feel it a bit.

 

ENTRY #284
MONDAY, OCTOBER 13, 2003

The Laker season seats tickets have the nicest photos on them. Have you seen them, Frosty? Atiba? No? Just checking.

What's up with The Ricks? Rrick is missing, Crankers needs to paint his house and Rickk is killing his house plants on about a two a month scale. Good work, Rickks.

Ever had a migraine? Pretty rad stuff.

Let's take a look at why it would be better to work for Nordstrom's then to work for Girl: Nordstrom's gives frontline people the freedom to make key decisions.
Girl doesn't allow that.

Tomorrow, funniest column ever. Seriously.

 

ENTRY #283
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 10, 2003

Did you know that you can go to the Laker website and they offer an option to view the site in English, French, Dutch, Spanish and Italian? I know, who cares but I got on this thing where I have to start each column with something about The Lakers and it really is starting to bug even me.

I got an e-mail stating, "no one gives a f*** about The Oceanside 5 so stop updating us". As opposed to the rest of this column that lets you know each day about Frosty's new hair do or Mikey picking paint chips. Yeah, I see your point. The rest of The Tap is very important credible information so I see how those accurate and factual updates on The Ocanside 5 just don't fit in. Thanks for e-mailing, I like when smart people help me when I stray into idiotic topics.

Rickk's nutrition update: He had a three hour mouth to anus pork chop after a bad bout with food poisoning.
When asked about the event he told us "I was basically barfing into my crap".

Harsh Hair Update: Eric Anthony's hair has had some time to fade and he now looks like the little boy from Family Affair. I don't know if the boy was Buffy or Jody but that's who he looks like.
And Bobby Bowl Cut is wearing beanies now. I guess he got tired of people staring.

Frosty is going to kick the ass of the guy that tried to get him to pay $42,000 for Laker season seats. That's what Atiba told me.

Lee is not Scuba Lee anymore. He's JUST LEE. We have to call him JUST LEE so when we write "Lee" you don't think we are talking about Lee Smith.
So here's an update list of who is banned from the Girl Laker season seats:
JUST LEE
Bird

 

ENTRY #282
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 9, 2003

The Lakers lost last night. Pretty close game, lost by about 22 points. That would be losing by a lot if they were a hockey team. But they are a basketball team so it means it was a pretty close game.
Scuba Lee wants to go to the December 9th game. Lee, can you check yesterday's column? Thanks bud.

Maserati update: Spike wishes. He's in Sweden freezing in a hotel room that is painted bright orange. He said he's loaded to the gills with good advice and is going to make Mikey, in the ASK MIKEY AND ASK SPIKEY column, "look like a little bitch". Spike's been around Ty way too much. We're garnishing Spike's wages to come up with the money that he owes Grant for the film that Grant thought Spike was using for skate photos but he was out using for fashion shoots. Again, Grant, our apologies.

I think the charcoal nudes I am doing of the art department are going to be such a hit at the Perdosideways show. I actually just made myself dry heave.

Sad news, The Shit Cupcakes have broken up. With Tito on an updating roll, he leaves Rick Raymond to be the lone Crapcake. Sorry, Rick but you know the rules.

Oceanside 5 Update: Mihaly needs a new cell phone, guys. It rings twice and then makes the loudest buzzing noise you've ever heard. I'd put the number up here so you could hear it but the last time The Tap pulled a stunt like that, we lost a friend.

 

ENTRY #281
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 8, 2003

Lakers won last night but the whole thing just looked really weird. All sorts of other teams mixed up on The Lakers. Between that weirding me out and crying when Gray Davis had to concede and then crying more when I saw that his wife was crying... long night.

Just a quick apology to The Poo Puffs. Turns out Tito did update his column twice in one day and Bob K was too busy being a self-promoting dork to post it. That is the story of Crail Tap. Bob K always holding us back from who we could truly be.
You welcome a guy into your country and how does he thank you?
Sorry, Tito. The only cupacake is Rick Raymond and I have a feeling he's coming back with some photos that will blow our minds.
Tito, when the two of you are on point, you're the Kickass Crew.

Oceanside 5 Update: It turns out they ARE putting in a sort of tunnel but it only goes from what is going to be Grant's office to Swift's office. And it is actually just a crawl space. The Jefferson 2 don't like tunnels so they were cool with it but Wilkins has thrown a fit as usual.
I heard he had already got a tat that said "Shoot Me To The Skateboard Mag". Just do what The Gav does when he needs to get rid of tats, Just put a black bar over "Shoot Me To" and then get some weird looking fisherman guy above it.

Have you ever worked in an office where people leave their food wrappers on the lunch table? It's super rad. You go to sit down to eat your food and you put your elbow in ketchup or sometimes hot sauce. It almost makes you wish you had your own column where you could, in a really nice way, say, "Hey Fuckhead, how about cleaning up after yourself?" or maybe "Do you need to be asked 39 times to be courteous or is the 38 times I already asked enough?".

After a few days of feeling the odd absence of Mikey not asking me questions for a few days, he stepped back up to the plate with about 44 in a 4 minute phone conversation. They started with questions about if he had received a raise and ended with something related to the lease of his car.
On a side note, Frosty said he doesn't agree that Mikey really beat him in that Canada contest so we checked with the judges and they said even though Eric wasn't there, we all know in our hearts that he won.
Congratulations Eric, you did it again.

 

ENTRY #280
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 7, 2003

One time my friend kept bugging me for my season seats so I gave him a set but I didn't tell him it was a pre-season double header. He was so bummed.
That was before Karl Malone and the other 43 veterans were picked up by The Lakers so maybe the game will be good tonight. Pre-season games tend to leave you feeling like you just watched The Champ while cutting onions.
The Crail Tap management put a ban on the following people from ever sitting in my season seats:
Bird
Scuba Lee

What occurs once in a minute, twice in a moment and never in a thousand years? The letter "M".
What do the following things have in common: cinnamon, this column and submarines? They all have no relevance to skateboarding. Sorry.

I haven't heard from the CaCa Cupcakes in a few days, lines must be long at Home Depot.

Does anyone think that Wolf Blitzer on CNN looks like the guy that used to be the US Surgeon General?

Rickk nutrition update: He has told us that he is no longer allowed to eat fruit or drink Gatorade. It's really starting to sound like his doctor just wanted to see if he could say "Mouth to anus" with a straight face.

SPIKE JONZE PRESENTS BIRD'S BACKYARD RAMPS is back on track. Look for a special episode that coincides with the PedroSideways art show. Basically Bird just going raining on everyone's parade under a bridge.

Have you ever seen how fast Bob K types?

Does this column create more questions then it offers in answers? Tomorrow this column will rip. Or suck. But one of them for sure.

 

ENTRY #279
MONDAY, OCTOBER 6, 2003

Clive got more mail today then I bet Karl Malone gets in a whole week.

I guess we all learned over the weekend that you don't hit a tiger on the nose with a microphone. I think that is what you do to a shark. Maybe Roy (of Sigfried and Roy) drank some Absinthe before the show and thought the tiger was a shark. Or maybe he thought it was a Tiger shark? I guess we won't know until he can speak. He's already doing the thumbs up signal so talking should be just around the corner.

Guess where Mikey is right now? On his way to Crate and Barrel with his contest winnings from The Canadian Super Winter Great White North Skate Off. I don't think that is the real name of the contest but he really did get 4th and some cash. Mikey finally beat Frosty in a contest. It meant that Frosty had to not enter but technically Mikey still beat him.

Rickk's nutrition update: His doctor had him eat beets and write down the day and time that he ate them. Then he told him to keep an eye on his poop and write down when it was magenta color. I might have already told you this but I'm too lazy to check previous columns. But don't let that make you feel like I don't care about you and this column, I'm just sort of tired and I have a pulled muscle so I'm feeling sorry for myself.
OK, back to Rickk's "Mouth to Anus" project.
He ate the beets at 9:39 PM on Friday night and he had pantone number 689U crap on Saturday at 10:42AM.
That's roughly a 12 hour mouth to anus time. I wonder if Frosty will read this and try and beat Rickk's time.

Can someone in Sweden contact us and let us know why Spike would need a body guard? Thanks.

Oceanside 5 update: The tunnel has been cancelled. It makes the ad rates just too astronomical. Instead, when Swift calls a 4:00 meeting, he has to do it a week in advance. This gives Wilkins 7 days advance on an airline ticket and it also gives Atiba and Ako 7 days to let everyone know that they are fine but they might miss a night or two at the LA clubs.

 

ENTRY #278
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 3, 2003

Since I am always doing research for this column, I came across an article about how much different teams in the NBA hated The Jazz because of Karl Malone and his "dirty play". My favorite part was Dirk Nowitzki being quoted as saying, "I hate the city of Utah more then any other in the NBA". Do you hate the city of California now you big goofy haired jock?
Maybe The Mailman will loan you a map. Or maybe a globe.

We got big problems here in the Girl Film Camp. Spike went to Sweden to do some work and he has a body guard! Ty was so let down that someone from our camp would get a body guard that he suggested Spike have one the next time he plans on seeing Ty.

Total Recall Update: Bird not feeling Arnie at all and although Bird is not afraid to grope someone, that is not what he wants in a governor. Bob K not voting for Arnie "because he bugs me when he talks". Bob K can't vote so don't worry about his strategic methods of choosing who should move in the governors mansion. Megan backing Arnie because "if he was Mr. Universe then obviously he can run the state".
One more Recall note, Gray Davis said this morning that if he is recalled not one new job will be created. Wrong, Beige, the governors position will be available.

I know in other arena's of Crail you have been updated and then more updated on The Oceanside 5 but we got even more scoop. They are having a tunnel built that shoots a tube to Lincoln or Los Angeles then back to San Diego, just like the one at the drive through part of the bank. So let's say Swift calls a 4:00 meeting. He shoots the tube to Lincoln, Wilkins gets in and is back at The Skateboard Mag HQ in seconds. Then he gets out and shoots the tube to LA where The Jefferson 2 hop in and they are also at HQ in seconds. They meet, hug and kiss goodbye and then back in the tube and back home. Because of the cost of the tunnel, ads will probably be about $15,000 for a quarter page. The tunnel might have to be put on hold.

I know I sort of mentioned that the relationship with Rickk and his trainer seemed off but let me give you a glimpse and you judge for yourself. The trainer has Rickk eating beets and then telling him how fast the red from the beets turns his crap red. He told him he needs to get a better idea of Rickk's "mouth to anus time schedule".
Mouth to Anus? Not so much.

The Gav was asked to leave his yoga class. "I guess I really am immature". Stop being so hard on yourself, Timmy. We all get kicked out of yoga from time to time.

 

ENTRY #277
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 2, 2003

The people in Utah are really turning on The Mailman. They're calling him "Karla" now on sports radio in Salt Lake City. Ouch, my sides hurt from laughing.

Someone has decided to spread a rumor that Bird's bad attitude is the result of a small tour of duty in Desert Storm. We would like to make clear that his bad attitude is the result of a lot of things but that he has never served in the military. The only person from the Girl/Lakai camp that has military history is our very own positive and polished, Rob Abeyta.
Unless you consider the time that Megan's mom made her become pen pals with soldiers called to serve in Desert Storm, then she also has military experience. It's weird how Megan's mom forgot that at some point these soldiers would come home to the states, maybe even Oceanside and then they knew where Megan lived and they would still write wanting to go to Seaworld or a movie or maybe meet at a motel.

As I write this, Rickk went to poop in a cup for his doctor that is putting him on a special diet. I think there is something weird about the whole thing but Rickk finds nothing odd about eating corn and then watching to see how long it takes to pass through his system and then reporting back to the doctor. Oh well, it's his butt, he can do with it whatever he likes.

Mikey and Scott are on their way to a contest in a very cold city in Canada where that Ryan kid will probably beat them both. Then they'll come back and tell us all the stuff they could have gotten at Pottery Barn or Crate and Barrel while they were gone.

Did you know that in some parts of the world there are poisonous blow darts that could kill a full grown man? Imagine what something like that would do to a dog... or maybe even a rat? YIPES.

 

ENTRY #276
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 1, 2003

I got an e-mail today from someone with an in depth explanation of how I truly can not claim to love the game of basketball if I support someone like Karl Malone. It then rambled on about the guy he knocked out when he was in college.
It does suck for the guy that got knocked out but you have to also weigh into it the fact that he knocked David Robinson out when he got to the NBA. We've all wanted to do that a time or two. Karl Malone, still perfect in my book.

ALL MY CHILDREN has gone nuts. Alexander Cambias called everyone into the dining room at the Pine Valley Inn and they played a tape of him reading his will (he's already dead). Everyone thinks Kendall killed him but I think Erica had someone kill him. They found him hanging on a meat hook in a building that Kendall owned. He was all frozen. No one is bummed that he is dead because he is a thief and a rapist.

Mikey is officially living at the new house. He seems all calm and he hasn't asked that many questions lately. Maybe someone cloned him and that isn't even him that has been coming by. That would be funny, right. Just kidding, it would be scary. Actually it would just be plain dumb.
Sorry.

Did you know that Carnahan moved out of the tattoo room and into a cubicle? Rob didn't want to get into the details but the break up has to do with incense, Pete Yorn, Karma points, Yucca and posters of chicks standing next to motor bikes that were pulled out of Transworld.
Bummer.
That leaves the tattoo room with only 6051 tattoos. If you're all tatted up and looking for a production position, give us a call. We need to get that count back up to 9000.
(It's not mandatory to have the Diamond logo on your neck).

Harsh Hair Update: Have you ever had a friend that you really liked and they got a haircut and now they just keep combing it to the side and they look like they're 11 but they are such a good good friend that you would feel bad just blurting out, "Hey, Bob K, what up with the style"? It's tough but on the high road you just accept your friends, through the good cuts and the bad.

After a thorough accounting through tear pages, film, deposits to Spike's bank account and more, we have tallied that Spike owes Grant Brittain $9,349.89 for film that he used for outside jobs but was sent to him for the purpose of shooting skate photos while Spike was freelancing for Transworld. Grant, just let us know if you want a cashiers check or cash and we'll get that taken care of.

Quick shout out to the CaCa Cupcakes. Updating and Regulating.

 

ENTRY #275
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 30, 2003

Did you know that the Utah fans now refer to Karl Malone as The Failman and not The Mailman? What else would you expect from a bunch of Jazzholes?

I hope little Rick McCranky wasn't in Nova Scotia last week. I just found out that they had to evacuate the homes in low lying areas because of Hurricane Juan. It created 85mph winds and winds half that strong would pretty much turn Rickers into a kite. If you see an Anti-Social logo floating in the air, call us.

There's a book you can buy called "388 Hair Styles" but it just has pictures and no names. I think it would be cool if all hairdressers had that book and you could just go into the salon and say "I'll have the Miami Flowback" or something like that and they would just cut it. No one wants to cart that book into the salon and point out pictures.

Did you know that Ernest Hemingway wrote "For Whom The Bell Tolls" while under the influence of "The Green Fairy" or Absinthe as it is more commonly known? Neither did Brian Anderson, Brad Staba, Sam Smyth or Megan.

Just a quick shout out to the dipshit in H*** Depot that pointed to the entire store over his right shoulder when I asked where the paint section was. Dude, screw your stupid ass. In the vast 70,000 square feet that you pointed to was also the following departments: Plumbing, Power tools, Decor, Electrical, Heating and Cooling and Lighting and Fans. It's OK to be helpful, that's what that orange vest is supposed to indicate.
It's not 7-11 where I can just look in the general direction of your wave and go, "Oh, there's the corn dogs Tim always raves about". You might as well just point to a map of Torrance and say "it's somewhere in that area".
I hope Cruz Bustamonte wins the election and your car registration is $900. Prick.

 

ENTRY #274
MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 29, 2003

My neighbor told me that Karl Malone might buy a house in Newport Beach. It's the same neighbor that told me that she thought she saw a dolphin walk one time so I would say as sources go, not so much.

Other than that, how about those Jets?

I'm in a bad mood and I need to detox.

 

ENTRY #273
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 26, 2003

Karl Malone.