The Lakers have the night off. They play The Mavericks tomorrow night and I heard they are making special elbow guards for Malone just in case Nash tries to smash his face into his elbows again.
Sad news, we are letting Mikey go. Don't ask me, I like the guy and I wanted to keep him around for a long time but Scuba Lee said shake him. It's a real bummer, especially since he and Rickk got matching cars. And matching IPODS and matching smoked glass on the dash of the matching cars and matching...you get the idea.
Ever heard Skin use the "f" word? Nobody curses as well as this guy, seriously. I may have suggested this already but if you get to talk to him in the future, make sure you steer the conversation towards subjects that will get him even slightly pissed and you're going to be stoked. He puts "fuckin" in the middle of sentences so smoothly, might be the accent but it's nice cursing.
Just so you can see
how live this this column is, dialing The Gav, phone ringing, operator
asked who it is, straight to voice mail.
Did you know what George Gershwin and Fidel Castro have in common? They both are famous people with their moon in Aquarius. An Aquarius Moon lends imagination and the common touch to your dynamic, exuberant forcefulness; this is a wonderful combination for people in public life.
I really thought The
Lakers had their work cut out for them last night but it turned out
that The Knicks are consistent, they still suck. Van Horn is a real
asset, I say with him on board, they'll totally be in like 5th or 6th
in the east.
I guess the Canucks lost again in OT last night. Supra Pete contacted me but the whole e-mail was written in Canadian and I couldn't understand it.
Here's something that
I thought you might like from an old Ukranian folk tale:
Mikey, can you grab the Marlboro hardpacks for Monday night? Thanks bud.
Bird's Mental Make Over is over. I knew the guy was just going through a little phase or something. He's back to being super pissed.
The Lakers play The
Knicks tonight. I didn't know who the Knicks were until Pat Riley went
to coach there.
Scuba Lee is held up in his house looking for a lowered van that is going to be making a drop off. I wonder if he'll end up in a lot of trouble since the FBI checks this site now. That will be sad for him.
Got a lot of angry mail about the Unicorn Contest and now I'm all insecure about my column. What if people thought it was dumb when I wrote about Frosty's hair? Let me know if you think anything in my column is stupid so I can change it. Thanks.
Jenkins turns 28 on
Saturday so we're having a big bash. We are currently taking bets to
see who Andy's wife is more irritated with at the end of his birthday
dinner: Spike or Tremaine.
MJ is working on graphics and acting really artsy. He won't talk about his ass anymore, he isn't drinking wine. Just a totally serious art dude. He doesn't have any shows scheduled yet but it's only Wednesday.
Thanks to Deaven George,
The Lakers got another win and when the Lakers win, we all win. Karl
seemed happy to rest and watch his old team mates that will never get
Found a possible bride for Tito. Meg's neighbor just moved here from Russia and is looking for "a nice person to drink wine with". Just ask for him by name, babe. The only thing that might stand in the way of the future Mrs. Larue is the fact that she rollerblades. If Tito can get past that, Love Connection, party of two.
Scuba Lee is not feeling the idea of the Chargers moving to LA from SD. I agree it is important for SD to keep them and I am backing Scuba Lee's one man mission that he has titled "KEEP SD CHARGED". Write your congress person, tell your friends, call Lee directly but we need to keep The Bolts where they belong, two hours south.
Harsh Hair Update: Podium still holding the record for most gel in one building, Bob K trimmed the Manson style and now looks like a guy that writes sad poems, Frosty has the straight look and Mikey is still totally 80's.
The Lakers had the night off last night but I think David Stern is making Malone sit out a game for that little incident with Nash the other night. I knew he hurt his elbow and it takes the head of the NBA to tell him, "Mailman, you need to rest that elbow, I know you want to do your job and be a role model for the kids but you need to rest that elbow". Karl's the best. He should get a rabies shot, I think Nash's teeth broke the skin.
Bird's Mental Make
Over Update: Ladies, it's possible he's not the dick you met so many
times at clubs and parties. I know it's hard to believe, I've been there
many a time when he makes you want to crawl in a corner and hide due
to his bad behavior. But it looks like the guy is taking a look at himself
AND I think someone might be reading The Daily Dose and reflecting.
Yesterday Bob K sent
me a long e-mail regarding something that was giving him an ulcer. A
good friend would have e-mailed him right back but a great friend dedicates
part of their column to him. That's me, high road 24-7.
If you live in AZ,
you are banned from e-mailing The Tap. Not banned FROM The Tap, just
don't e-mail. You can sew our patches on your jacket and discuss what
Tito might be up to at parties but remember, don't e-mail us.
What about a laxative called SHITASTIC? A lot of people contact me and tell me that I talk about butts and poop too much. Do you want the news or do you want watered down lists of what music we're listening to? I thought so. So when MJ tears his butt open and has to wear a maxi pad, I have to tell you. And when Rickk eats beets to see how fast he can shit them out, again my job. And I never even told you about the time that The Mez, The Gav or The Hime crapped their pants so get off my back.
Scuba Lee, did you get my package or are you in police custody?
Looks like The Haters slept in today. Didn't get contact from them until a little later then usual. Tig is usually typing as the clock runs down during the last 10 seconds of each Laker game. His hate is so live. You're all forgiven. Especially Supra Pete. He's coming off a loss to a team called The Flames. That has to sting.
See that Laker game
last night? That was so lame when Nash smashed his face into Malone's
elbow. I hope they fine Nash for that, it looked like Karl's elbow was
In a startling yet life changing reflection, Bird realized that he's sort of a complete nightmare when he doesn't like something or someone. He was in the middle of explaining someone to me that he feels is a total dick when they don't like someone and all the sudden a big light bulb appeared over his head and he said, "woah, sort of like me". There's hope, folks. The guy is flowering and coming into his own like a troubled teenage girl.
I think it would be rad for The Skateboard Mag to design that tunnel for the Crop Dusters to get to SD and back to LA using a seven stage bong as the sort of model for the whole tunnel. Who might have a seven stage bong laying around their house? Scuba Lee? Anyone?
You know those fumigation tents they put over houses when the house is taken over by termites? Mikey does.
That Bruce Springsteen song, Glory Days, has been stuck in my head for two days. Yep, that's a pretty good addition to this column. Really gives you some insight into what we're about.
Emmet confided in Megan last night that his dad told him not to get into handrails. Hmmm....
The Spurs are so good. Right?
Bob K made up some story about why he needed to get some really short Ruby velour shorts for this weekend. Whatever, Bob.
Tito came by today. He got a look at MJ's ass last weekend and gave it a big thumbs up. It's healed and with a little aloe vera and a little love, MJ will walk away without a scar. We'll be holding a contest to see who gets to apply the aloe, Bird or Bob K.
If anyone knows of a good lawyer that can help Mikey sue people just because they make him feel sad, drop us a line.
The Jefferson Brothers are now known as The Crop Dusters. Holy Smoke, I had no idea Ty made Chomp with a bunch of stoners. And Scuba Lee?
Hime, fresh off his Phish tour with The Gav, has gone to Cabo. Sometimes all that spinning around in fields and splashing patchouli oil at each other can result in the need for a good long rest on the beach. He might also need to take some time to reflect on Red Bull and Vodka and secrets of that nature.
Little Emmet Jenkins is taking the night off from being a well rounded, well behaved, straight A student so that he can hang out with Megan. Last time this happened, Andy gave Megan the ol' "If you're going to give him a whole bag of Starburst, why do I even need to get him a babysitter" look.
I'm dumb, I found out today in an e-mail that was sent to me. Sad.
The Lakers have the night off, Phil Jackson is coach of the month and Indiana beat Phoenix last night. This column should be called The Randoms. Oh wait, there already is a column called that. Maybe this column could be called The Big Stupid. Or Dumb and Dumber. Whatever, who even cares what it's called.
What's up with The
I can't believe The
Gav tried to sell me a load of goods about throwing his shoulder out
of the socket just so he could go on a Phish tour. Timmy, it's me. If
I stuck by you through the lowered Honda and Ikea furniture fantasy,
I'm not going to ditch you because you want to swirl around a muddy
field in tie dye with a bunch of loadies.
Thanks for all the correspondence regarding the unicorn contest in The Randoms. I can see how this is very puzzling and difficult to get your mind around. I mean all the other contests made a lot of sense and you could really see what our vision was but this one, WOWWY! It really makes you stop and scratch your head and say, "They were so focused at The Tap, what went wrong? Could it be a change in staff? Did they come up with it when they weren't at their desk where they would normally have the Crail Tap mission statement pinned up in front of them? What could it be?"
If you're in first place in the east, then The Lakers can only beat you by about 30 points. Or something like that. Oh, and Pollard looks so cool in a Pacers uniform.
Hey Scuba Lee, it's 4:20 right now.
Need to make a correction
to The Rick's update yesterday:
I have to go, I am having a party tonight for my two little cupcakes. Can you smell them from there?
The Spurs played pretty
good on Friday, did you see that? I think Supra Pete's server is down
as well as his cell phone service because I haven't heard from him since
the win. He usual likes to contact me, oh wait, that's when the Laker's
lose, that's why we never talk.
Today we bid farewell
to the SD Tip of The Day as well as Long Island Jon. He's a trend forecaster
and now that we have really taken time to think about this, we realize
Good Luck Jon and thanks for cooking at the BBQ that one year.
Which Rick is Skeered?
Just wanted to remind my friends, you don't have to say "That's not for The Tap..." at the end of confidential conversations, I have boundaries and you all know that in your heart. For example, Hime shared a secret with me regarding the difference between a Red Bull and Vodka and a beer and if I were to share that information, some of our friends might be upset. But that is between me and Hime and I know that because I have boundaries. Hime, your secret couldn't be safer if it was in a bank with armed guards.
The Gav is still a no show at Golds. Sort of sucks because Spike had a gig for him to be The Rock's stunt double in The Mummy 4 and with him falling off the weight lift wagon, he'll never get the part.
The Lakers beat The Wizards tonight. If I wasn't a Laker fan, I'd be a Wizards fan. How awesome would that be to go to games with all kinds of capes and wands and stuff that Wizards are into? You could pretend like you were throwing voodoo at the other team. Maybe I wouldn't be a Wizards fan, I actually write this column as I think so if it feels like you're listening to the asshole who you get stuck next to on an airplane that won't stop talking to you... that's why.
Spike is currently
in Rome and we have now established he spent too much time with Ty and
the two of them will need to have a mature monitor with them at all
times in the future. Not that we know someone that could act as a mature
monitor. There's Meza but he gets side tracked sometimes. He seems like
he's sober and keeping things under control but he just isn't assertive
enough. There's Jenkins but how do you get him out of the house if you
are not having a motocross event?
I have to get the facts on this but Hime left me some crazy message to the effect that Karl Malone was sort of an asshole when he met him the other day. I don't believe it but how would you feel if you were just trying to play basketball and people kept smashing their faces into your elbows? You'd be pissed, too.
Harsh House Update: Frosty is too skeered to ask the guy that lives on his land with the canoe to beat it, Crankers is patching the roof for leaks and Howard likes the way the new rug he bought feels on his feet. Howard also believes a ghost lives in his house. That's right, a ghost.
If The Gav was at Golds last night he would have seen the female body builders new tattoo. It's a heart with big muscles. Why do people think weight lifters are dumb?
Long Island Jon, why
you so fresh? Today's SD tip of the day comes from Megan's neighbor
that once took a certain drug and thought dolphins could walk. "In Ocean
Beach, there is the fucking raddest bead shop". I don't think I need
to tell this to a trend forecaster but a home made puka shell necklace
is a great way of saying to your new employers, "I'm clay, mold me".
Lakers didn't play last night or tonight but that doesn't mean they didn't win.
Last night I had a
dream that I got to host WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE. I think I had
the dream because I watched that show for a while last night. ("Living
on the Edge" is my theme song, in case you were wondering).
Momma's don't let
your babies grow up to be trend forecasters! Long Island Jon, where
the party at? Today's SD tip of the day comes from the guy at UPS that
mentioned he grew up in SD today on the phone.
Speaking of trend
forecasting, a new added feature to The Three Rings: OUCH, IT'S ON FIRE.
It's basically a quick look at what is on the horizon for cool, in a
nut shell, what is so hot right now. It's free and you don't have to
relocate me, just check my column.
I found a dreadlock in Chick's hair last night which can only mean one thing, The Jefferson Brothers and Scuba Lee have been sneaking him out and lighting him up. He's three pounds, fellas. A contact high could kill him.
Heard from MJ and his ass is healing quite nicely. (Or his taint, sorry Bird). He said it is scabbing up and should be in mint condition for the holidays. He is back to wearing regular underwear and from the tone of his e-mail, I think the scar this leaves will make for great stories.
Lakers beat whoever they played last night. Does it really even matter anymore? Of course it does. LA beat them by over 30 points, Kobe had 28 of those points and Karl Malone had 10 rebounds. I love you, too.
You know when you're
in high school and they show you those films about who to not hang around
with so you don't end up trying pot and then from there turning to a
life of gambling, pornography and debt? Well, I ended up in "that crowd"
and I didn't even know it.
Fuckin' Bob K.
Spoke to The Gav to see when we could expect him back at Golds. Turns out Timmy golfed yesterday and threw his back out again. I feel like I'm trying to have a friendship with a 65 year old fat guy. I might cancel this effort all together. Golds suck when you can't use the mirrors to watch Tim lift.
Harsh House Update: Mikey got a cool basket sort of thing to put on his dining room table, Rickk patched holes and hung a large painting while listening to some music and Scott J bought some tile that he is waiting to install until he gets the thumbs up from the homeowners association. The three of them are also knitting a large rainbow that they will take turns hanging in each home.
Tito, call us up or your ass is grass. As opposed to right now when your ass is slashed. Tito's ass makes my column shine, right?
Long Island Jon, where
you at? Well, look who's looking out for you now, it's Marni from Costa
Mesa with an SD tip. "He better not want to shop down there, the shopping
Lakers play The Bulls tonight. Remember when that used to matter? They're 4 and 8 right now and in about 10 hours, they'll be 4 and 9.
Puffy is looking into buying The Knicks and Jay Z is looking into buying The Nets. Can't be long until Frosty owns The Clippers.
The Randomer and The
RInger are usually pretty tight, we tend to see things eye to eye. But
chill with posting cute little nicknames for a girls privates. I don't
think you want to scroll through my column and see my buddies top 5
names for his tool.
I know I mentioned
that those of you keeping an eye out for The Gav should be looking for
a much larger man due to his regular visits to Golds Gym. Well, Timmy
got a little happy on one of the machines and it looks like he's out
for a few weeks. He might lose a little bulk so he'll look like your
average size eskimo.
What do we have for Long Island Jon? Well, it's an SD tip of the day. Indiana Jessica comes back in with an after thought: "There's a youth hostel in Ocean Beach if he runs out of money". Some of these tips are just for laughs. How on god's green earth would a trend forecaster run out of money? Duh. He's all about what's happening next so he knows how to plan. He'll tell you when we put bars over his eyes in all photos of him from now on what the color of that bar should be. Right now, that bar is so pink.
It's a total ass cleanse Friday!
Guess who took a bite out of the Big Apple last night? Nope, not Mikey, The Lakers. LA beat NY by about 20 points which just goes to show Long Island Jon will be happier in Cali. He can become a Padres fan and that new stadium is so hip. He'll trend forecast the shit out of that place.
Speaking of Long Island
Jon, Bird is looking out for him today with this SD tip: "There's a
hot spot right on the corner of Thomas and Mission Blvd called The Open
Bar. Don't let the name fool you, it's a quality spot with real quality
patrons and a great place to have a couple of drinks after a long day
of trend forecasting. The beach is about 100 yards away so it's no problem
to end that great day with an even better sunset".
Is it strange that after I asked my neighbor if there was any reason he listened to Houses of The Holy on repeat somehow the words "GO TO HELL" ended up in the dust on my back window?
Lee Dupont has not made any contact with us today. What if he is lost in a fog of smoke with a severe contact high? God knows Lee would never touch that stuff.
Ty likes to shake his head a lot at Spike. It's a sort of, "Dude, where in the hell did you come from?" sort of gesture which I think Ty means in the nicest possible way.
What's up with The Rick's? No sign of Raymond or Crankers but Howard is so on blast with the cleanest colon this side of AZ. Even if you think you're colon is cleaner, the idea of challenging someone to that is really sort of sick so let's just give him the title and call it a day.
I think MJ's ass is all cool. I mean, he is going up to girls and saying, "Hey, check out my cool ass" so that could only mean that, right. One time I was riding bikes with my friend Marianne and the bike seat went really far up her ass when we went off a curb and she just laid on the grass and started crying. I, as usual, took the high road and got on my bike and left. She just kept saying, "my butt, my rectum" and I was like 8. I just thought to myself, "lame for her but what can I do, I'm 8 and what if she wants me to look at it?". I've been shallow for years it turns out. I totally forgot what we were talking about. I guess I could skim back through but it looks like too much to read.
The Lakers lost last night but that doesn't really matter because Shaq was just one board shy of a double-double. Go Lakers!
Harsh Hair Update: I know it's been a while since we gave you a peek into the styles that are us but I took a look around the room yesterday and HOLY SALON! Bob K and Spike are rocking the same sort of black goth yet sensitive style, Frosty is feathered and layered, Meza is going full blown "check the waves" curly and Bird is still holding down the early Pat Riley. Trend forecasting, we're living it and it's dangerous.
MJ's ass update: (Screw all you people that pretended you cared about Marc just to look up his ass, users!). I guess at the actual incident, Ty was so in MJ's ass with a flash light that Rick is referring to Ty as "The Miner". We'll get back to you with comment from Ty later.
Today's SD tip for Long Island Jon comes from Ellen in Redondo Beach. "The firework show at Sea World lasts all summer, it's really cool". See Jon, while your old friends are acting like idiots shooting bottle rockets at each other, you'll be enjoying a summer long firework show. Your life can not get any better so just stop trying.
Bob K went on a date from Friendster. That should be the whole story right? Well, it isn't. When Bob K followed up with the lovely young lady to see what the odds were of some future romance he was told that although he "is one cool mofo, I didn't really feel any sparks". Mofo? That's enough to make a guy stop dating.
Got the column done before I got a call back on the SD tip of the day for Long Island Jon. Today's tip comes from Indiana Jessica: "Maybe it was just me but I was there on business for 2 months and the most fun I had was the night my friend and I took a cab to the Barona casino. Pretty sweet for the gambler on a shoe string budget, they have penny slots". Jon, I think shoe strings will be in your life but not in your budget, you're going straight for the black jack table!
Why is David Stern making us play The Pistons again tonight? How many times do we have to beat them before he believes that they suck? We just beat them like three days ago, this is silly.
Haven't seen The Gav
at Golds in a few days. I'm sort of bummed at the difference in the
results he is getting. The other night at the Laker game, I saw Hime
walking to his seat and I said to myself, "why would Hime be at the
game with Junior Seau?". Turns out it was The Gav. The guy is ripped.
Do you drive out of
the parking lot of your job each day and say to yourself, "there's 8
hours I'll never get back"?.
No word on MJ's ass butt... get it? Butt? Right on, keep up the good work.
Lee Dupont and I are still good friends. He sent an e-mail from Mexico but again it was blurry. I heard some of the crops they grow in Mexico are really potent. Lee?
I think Bob K and Bird have mended the fence that crumbled between them. They seem to be back to normal, Bob K is driving a bright yellow beetle and Bird is stealing cell phones and almost getting his ass kicked.
Lakers beat the Heat last night by like 1000 I think. Karl Malone had 10 rebounds, that's 5 per elbow for the haters.
MJ's ass seems to
be simmering down and so does the care people were showing it. Not me,
I'm so up MJ's ass, I'm a lifer.
Speaking of asses,
I think it is no secret that Frosty and Howard are a little back heavy.
Not fat asses but sort of that Garth Brooks/Roy Clark type of ass. Maybe
not as big as those two but you just sort of say "whoa" to yourself
the first time you see the size of their asses.
Today's SD tip for
Long Island Jon comes from the youngest of our crew but by far the smartest,
Lee Dog and I pinky
swore so I'm not allowed to sell him up the river ever again on The
Tap but if we hadn't and we were still battling, I would have to tell
you that Lee put global warming and getting kicked out of skate spots
at the same stress level. So, Colin Powell and Lee have about the same
amounts of things to worry about.
Bob K told me last week that he's "extra ordinary". I just patted him on the back and said, "go back to your cubicle, genius".
Lakers are going to beat The Pistons tonight at Staples Center. I wonder if Supra Pete will watch or if his mind is just too devastated after last nights Canucks loss to the Flyers. Nothing hurts more than a loss in over time. If it wasn't for Sports Center, I wouldn't have even known Pete was bumming out today. All day, totally bumming.
Holy Sugar Gang! 4 of The Oceanside 5 came by yesterday and I've never seen a group of grown men put away that much candy. Mihaly definitely was in the lead until Atiba stepped up to basically say, "Pixie Stix are only good when eaten by the dozen". I know the candy industry took a hit when Rickk quit Skittles but if these guys decide to go straight edge, that industry is through.
Which brings me to a shout out to the girl that shows up at Slam City Jam each year to win Rickk's heart. You want to bring protein bars and organic apples this year. You show up with that and you're going to be riding shot gun in the Spascalade!
(This next part is
funnier if you call Oliver at Skateboarder to read it to you).
Long Island Jon is still in the east but when he gets to the west we have nothing but big plans for him in San Diego County. Today's tip comes from Melinda of Costa Mesa, "One time we just went to Bird Rock in La Jolla and drank beer and watched the seals". Jon! You are about to embark on a life most of us only dream about.
Meg heard The Gav didn't make it to Gold's last night because he went to eat at Arby's. Probably for the best, The Gav doesn't need to walk into Meg being spotted while listening to "Lovin' Touchin' Squeezin'" on the IPOD.
Yo Pete at Supra? How about those Raptors? You should make Vince Carter a Red Dragon. Oh, wait, you don't have any Red Dragon powers anymore! I watched the Laker game at Gold's Gym. It's crazy how athletic you feel watching the game from the ab machine.
What's up with the Andy's? Jenkins came in 6th place in a motocross race this past weekend, Mueller is putting the finishing touches on the Lakai catalog and Gibb was the hottest Bee Gee.
"Long Island Jon"
or as he'll soon be known, "Cardiff Jon" gets another San Diego tip
today from Lardog. "When he has single friends in town, he has to take
them to Yogi's in Cardiff. Hottest chicks this side of the Mississippi".
The Gav got Meg tickets to an Usher concert in an effort to smooth things over after pretending he didn't see her at Gold's.
After some struggles to trademark and own the name "Spike Jonze presents Bird's Backyard Ramps" and after Spike got some time to really get to know Kelly in his element, the project has taken yet another twist. It's now called "Spike Jonze presents Bird's Sour Power". The premise is this: Bird is on a four person panel, drinking, and discussing issues that are near and dear to his heart. The other three people on the panel, don't know it at the start of each show, but they strongly disagree with Kelly. For those of you not fortunate enough to be on the opposing end of an issue in an exchange with Kelly, wow. This ones a ratings winner!
Mikey hasn't asked me a question in three days. This place sucks now!
The Lakers are going to beat The Raptors tonight. Unless they bring out actual Raptors and then in that case I don't think The Lakers can do it. Shaq and Malone are big but they couldn't fight off 2 ton prehistoric creatures. Kidding! They still could win.
I'm really worried about the fate of The Diarrhea Cupcakes. They were fine when Tito was fixing the house and Raymond was building ghetto slip and slides. But now you have Tito hanging out with MJ who's getting all extreme and ripping his butt open. It just seems like this could cause The Cupcakes to drift apart.
What's up with The Roberts? Bob K looks like Marilyn Manson without his make up on, Rob Abeyta took the day off yesterday to calculate everyone's karma points and Larson, who I am pretty sure didn't want me to tell you his real name was Robert is burning incense. (Which by the way for karma points, is better than burning bridges).
Jon Buscemi is extreme,
are you? Well, even if you are, it won't be long until Jon's more extreme
than you and we'll give you his cell number if you don't believe us.
Hime? Is that pretty girl you were with on Halloween still telling people you're sweet? You didn't hypnotize or dose her, did you? Just because that's against the law and some of that stuff she was telling us would really only come from someone that was dosed or frightened. Hime?
Kids, be glad you're not a House Sparrow (Passer Domesticus for the smart kids). The House Sparrow is made to leave the nest when it is 15 days old. You wouldn't survive on the streets for an hour if that was you. You'd be whining and crying and crapping everywhere. See how good you have it?
That was awesome of the Lakers to let Memphis win for Jerry West. Talk about the high road. I didn't think I could love them anymore then I already did.
What's up with The Kenny's? Kenny Anderson is probably break dancing some where in the South Bay area and Kenny Loggins wrote some good music for the Footloose soundtrack.
No sign of The Gav at Gold's last night. That place is lame on Monday's. Everyone that over eats all weekend shows up to try and get in shape and feel better about themselves. So irritating. On every other night that place is really awesome.
I wonder if Jon Buscemi
will just change the 310 part of his phone number to 760 when he moves
to be with his new employer. I think 760 goes better with the next part
of his current phone number, 270. Don't you think? Maybe when I give
the last part tomorrow you'll think it has a nice ring to it.
I have to go, sometimes we actually work around here.
I waited for all the
Haters to get their correspondence in regarding the Lakers/Spurs game.
Bird weighed in with a phone call but no e-mail. He was on a plane on
Friday when we lost to the Hornets so he didn't get to call me on that
one either. And Supra Pete has not weighed in on that loss.
are so courageous. I deleted the e-mail because I got nervous that the
stupidity packed into it could become air born and then I would end
up stupid, too.
It's sort of that time of the month for MJ......I'll let Tito tell you about it.
Spike called concerned
that Ty was driving the van around Arizona wearing black knitted gloves
so I spoke to Ty directly.
The Gav told me two things over the weekend and I can't remember if I wasn't supposed to write about that fact that he used to crimp his hair in junior high or that he was looking for a spa to get a massage and use the steam room. Call me, Timmy and which ever one I wasn't supposed to post, I'll just write tomorrow that it was a lie.
Jenna from Indiana weighs into today with a San Diego suggestion for Buscemi: "Aren't they trying to make downtown all hip but in a lame way because of the new stadium down there?". At least you know what you're up against, Jonny.
Rickk does not want any information about his diet up here so I'll let him tell you about the powder he drinks before each meal to cleanse his colon. Yummy.
Lakers play the Spurs tonight. I guess Tim Duncan can't play, he twisted his ankle. Ty twisted his ankle but he isn't on The Spurs. I love The Lakers, Karl Malone gets me really jazzed about the Lakers.
We have some stunning developments in the Bird and Buscemi incident. Bird needs to think back through the cloud of Budweiser and dance moves and try and remember if it was beer dumped on him or perhaps a vodka and redbull. This could be the key to patching things up with The Bird Man and The Guy that Knows that Pink is so out.
Bought some tweeker
gloves to wear while I work out. They're just like the ones Tim bought.
I think Tim didn't want people to know he had them or that he was working
out a lot. It's sad when I can't remember what I am not supposed to
We're looking at some
property in Waco to move the Girl distribution. A lot of the Girl employees
have children now and we're just looking for the best community to be
based so we have a bright safe future.
We're adding a new
segment for Buscemi called "Jon's Long Weekends". This is where we ask
current or past residents of the San Diego area to make some recommendations
for Jon who is relocating soon and also in the market for friends.
The yellow couches that the International Sales Department had chosen for their new offices are discontinued so Greg Carroll is currently out shopping for furniture. Pretty sure bet you're looking at something in red satin. It's also a pretty sure bet that the name of the color will include the words "love making". He's a Carroll, they're just a couple of hot blooded Romanians.
I'm totally into the
Lakers again. The hate mail gets me pumped and ready for the season.
We're 4-0. That's a pretty sweet record, right? It's sort of lame that
Lee Dupont and I did the pinky shake and buried the axe because it was
fun getting his Laker hate mail. Now he likes me so much that he likes
everything I like and I like the Lakers. Bird hates the Lakers but he
also hates everything. Except dancing, Bird loves to dance! But he doesn't
like to get beer thrown on him when he's dancing. I wonder if Bird rents
Flashdance and sees that scene where she pulls the water down on her
if he would rethink being pissed at Jon for throwing beer on him when
he's dancing. I'll rent it for him and let you know what happens with
The international sales team at Girl has chosen yellow couches for their new office. When life hands you a choice of colors, make lemonade. That's what I always say.
Bob K told me a bunch of stuff that I will be posting later.
Mikey skated two days
in a row so that means he can take three weeks off. Just like in the
real working world.
Someone who works at Podium and his name rhymes with SMELLY TURD is spreading rumors that Girl has turned into a cult and we all dress alike and have a copy of the same book in each office and think we're better then everyone else and... ya know, when you start to break it down, smells like kool aide to me.
Frosty, if you're reading this, go to sleep, you need to wake up at 4AM. Seriously, if you get up at 5, you'll never have your hair ready for the shoot. Go to sleep, really.
Lakers are playing the T-wolves in Minnesota but I don't really care. I'm kidding, I care but I can't wait to tell you about the Laker girls. On the Laker website, you can click on the picture of your favorite Laker girl and a brief profile of her will pop up. I clicked on Frosty and Hime's favorite girl, Nikki from HB, and found out that she is a communications major at USC. Awesome!
What's up with the Rick's? Well, Raymond and Howard probably don't have as bad of a headache as Crankers does. Rest up, Rickers.
Spike admitted today that Skate Biz is smarter then he is. We supported him and told him that he will only grow and learn from this and not to get down on himself. He cried a little but agreed that this is all part of the journey. He also added, "at least I'm smarter then Rick and Ty and don't think the Chocolate Tour will be done by Christmas".
Trying to patch things
up between Buscemi (soon to be known as "that guy we used to chill with")
and Bird (who is still known as "I'm shining up my point of view, I
have a new attitude") after a little beer dumping incident.
The Ronald Reagan
TV show that was going to air on CBS got sort of cancelled. A bunch
of people said it portrayed him in a bad light and they said it was
mean to do that to an old man. If you want to watch it, you have to
check it out on Showtime, not regular TV.
It's so weird how much less irritating Malone's elbows are in the purple and gold. So weird. Lakers won by about 8 points but the game was sloppy. I didn't go to the game, I don't really even care that much right now. You can still send all your e-mails though, I like deleting them without opening them first, it feels nice.
Heard from a reliable source on Saturday that Hime may not be a complete ass. Still looking into this touchy matter but this was a very reliable source. What next, someone calls us with proof Bird has a good attitude?
For all of you haters (which usually includes Bird) that write us to say that Bird really isn't that extreme, maybe if you knew he spent the night in size small women's shorts in a truck in 40 degree weather you might change your tune. Or maybe you would just say to yourself, "size small women's shorts? Not so much".
Ty is about to dump all the YEAH RIGHT footage some where and then start working on The Chocolate tour that Rick and him feel like they can get done by Christmas but Spike thinks they are both full of crap. He actually said, "those two are full of shit". I hope Ty doesn't try and fight Spike.
Oceanside 5 Update:
I had a dream last night that I was at the zoo and someone whispered
to me in line that they were going to set some snakes free and they
were poisonous but no matter which direction I went, I could not get
out of the zoo. Then I saw people getting in a hot air balloon so I
ran towards it and Jessica Simpson was in the balloon. It doesn't really
have anything to do with the Oceanside 5 but I haven't heard from any
of them so I just wrote that other stuff about my dream. My dreams aren't
really interesting, no one's are. But the only thing I know about the
Oceanside 5 right now is that Wilkins one child is wearing "rich baby
hand me downs" and Atiba can still dance even when holding a "Don't
Shop At Ralph's" sign.
What do Spike and The Gav have in common other then being Vice President of a company? They both feel it is not a problem to do athletics or workouts in dress pants.
Don't be confused by the size of our rocks. Seriously.
Not a problem, just let me know when you need it.
I think Bird's cell
phone is broken, I never heard from him after the game last night. Weird.
Lakers won but you already knew that.
Oceanside 5 Update: Why is Ako driving a maroon Ford Focus? It's not a riddle, I really would like to know why.
I'm going to go now, I'm really busy and I should have let you know yesterday that this column was going to suck today. The Randoms guy is good about giving you a heads up when his column is lame but I lagged. Sorry. Actually, this column is consistently pretty lame so hopefully, you're not pissed.
Laker's tonight, opening game. You know my e-mail address, pricks.
All of us have to
accept that there are just some jobs we are not suited for. Ty seems
to think he could be a talent agent and refuses to accept that he can
not. Why? Here's just three of the reasons:
JUST LEE and Megan
have laid there feud aside after JUST LEE accepted the fact that Megan
was only trying to expand his network of friends. And even though JUST
LEE told some people at a dinner that he wasn't afraid to punch a girl,
come on, who's kidding who?
Harsh Hair Update: I can't be sure but it looks like Frosty and Spike rented HAIR with Dustin Hoffman and really took a liking to some of the styles in there. Holy parted on the side!
Oceanside 5 Update:
Just a shout out to Swift and Grant, Wilkins and Ako think they're only
ever working out of their houses and never going into the office. RED
FLAG, team! Let me know if you guys want me to fire both of them, I
have a conference call option on my cell phone so I can take care of
this pretty quickly. I was thinking it would be cool to fire them and
then just hang up so they can sort of comfort each other.
Did you know Hime never had a Big Wheel when he was a kid? Pretty well adjusted for a guy that lived through that.
So over everything.
I mean everything.
The rest of you can take your Laker e-mails, Laker links, Laker jokes and just poor over all human existence and go back to Florida and Texas. Even if you're not from there, just go there, they're your people.
The Lakers lost by 6 points to The Clippers last night at The Pond. Hey Atiba, want to trade my Laker season seats for those Clipper seats? Cool. I'll throw in a piano, too.
Remember that super
funny guy from Boston? I think I called him "Matty Matty Moo Cakes"?.
Yeah well, I'm over him so his new nickname is "I think it is funny
to have the name Frank Stallone in my e-mail address". I know it's long
but it says a lot about a guy, right?
I guess Lee Dupont is really mad at me. It's weird, I do a whole campaign to try and help him have a friend network world wide and he gets mad at me? Not a very appreciative guy.
What's up with The Rick's? Rickk weighs 187, Raymond is probably about 140 and Crankers is probably punching in at a clean easy 115.
Atiba, let me know if you need the Girl truck for the piano. And let me know if Frosty needs a song book to sing along with you.
Lakers are playing at The Pond tonight. Isn't it hilarious that The Ducks play at The Pond? Is it hilarious that The Lakers are going to play at The Pond? Has there ever been anything hilarious in this column?
Got a call from a lawyer. I guess we can't give you anymore of Lee Duponts cell phone number. And I guess Lee called Ty and said he would come to Girl and punch someone. That doesn't really scare me but what if he punches Bob K since everyone knows that he is the one that talks all the shit on Crail? That would suck for Bob. But if Lee makes us mad again, we will publish his home address or maybe just the Super Pages link so you can get directions too!
I have to go, I have to help Atiba and Eric find Laker Season Seats. It starting to look like you have the green light on the piano, Atiba.
The Lakers are playing at The Pond tonight. Wait, I think that is tomorrow night. I really don't do a lot of fact checking for this column. Surprise Surprise.
Did you know that
9 people have asked me if I was going to put Lee Dupon't entire cell
phone number up on The Tap? Now if you want to talk about coincidences,
9 just happens to be the next digit in Lee's cell number!
What's with all the brush fires? Bob K used to be in a band called Brush Fire, he played keyboards.
I guess as long as the underwear you're wearing, even if it looks like it belongs to a 65 year old woman and you're a young man wearing it, as long as the underwear was a gift, it's totally fine to wear it. Sometimes Bird is not only extreme, he's smart.
What's up with The Rick's? Crankers left his favorite Matix t-shirt at Rickk's and it had to be Fed Exd to him, Raymond is a cream filled caca eclair and Howard now has a new work out that doesn't allow him to move his neck the following day.
Did the Lakers lose last night? I was busy responding to all those nice e-mails from Laker Haters about Kobe having to go to trial. Thanks for those, really. It really reinforces that feeling I have that humans are a special special breed.
That noise you heard
last night was Tito doing his own brand of meditation at the Champagne
Palace. We're going to have a "Tito needs some new shit because you
pissed him off and he broke all his old shit" party.
Is is just a coincidence that Lee Dupont made the ZERO video and that is the next digit in his cell phone number? I tend to think so. I wonder why he hasn't sent me any photos lately? I guess soon we'll all be able to call him and ask him. Miss you, Lee.
We haven't talked about The Hime lately. (I just put that to make him nervous).
If you're a hard hitting reporter, feel free to call the people in the apartment building next to Girl for a hot story. They said if we don't dim the parking lot lights, they're going to get a lawyer. Now, there's a story!
Spike is still locked in the tangerine room in Stockholm but is due for release this weekend. He's been skating around the city with his IPOD. See what happens when Ty doesn't keep an eye on him? He just starts fucking around wasting our time and money.
Why not wear tight white underwear that looks like you dug it out of your aunts dresser?
You have to love the consistency of The Lakers, another loss by almost 20. And Shaq decided his heel didn't hurt anymore so he helped with the loss.
I got an e-mail from JUST LEE, it was fuzzy so I couldn't tell but I think it was him giving the thumbs up. I think he is enjoying the count down to his cell phone being public knowledge on The Tap. It's too bad that JUST LEE isn't a Laker fan because the next digit in his cell phone number is the same number on Kobe's jersey. Thanks for the photo, Lee. See you soon.
Bird almost found out what it would feel like to have his ass kicked by 7 longshoremen while a table full of girls watched. Why not make fun of a guy three times your size when you're hammered? Why not make fun of the bouncer when you're not a local? Why not wear a high fashion shirt to an art show?
I got an e-mail from
another asshole in Florida. Maybe there are just a lot of assholes in
Florida or maybe The Tap is really popular in Florida so that is where
I get a lot of correspondence from.
Mueller announced Saturday night that he has a posse. What are you going to do? If the guy says he has a posse, we gotta back him.
Just when I thought
I was having a bad day, I get an e-mail with the subject "cut the shit".
Today's Karl Malone fun fact goes to Matt B in Boston MA, who I am am
assuming is nursing some pretty serious Red Sox wounds.
Did you know that if you subtract 34 from Shaq's jersey number you get the third digit in JUST LEE'S cell phone number? Well you do now.
Mikey's house update: The room that was supposed to be painted Salmon but ended up looking like it was apricot or peach, Mikey has decided has to go! He is going to paint the room himself. You know what this means? There's going to be a MIKEY art show on the horizon, this is how it all starts.
Harsh Sweaty Palm Update: Nick Tershay.
Don't you hate when you send your personal assistant to get the FOOT LOOSE soundtrack and she accidentally gets the FLASH DANCE sound track? Me too.
Lakers against the Cavaliers tonight at 7:30 sharp. Oh, and the second number in JUST LEE'S cell phone number is 6.
Mikey's house is coming along just fine. Hardwood floors are in, paint is done, appliances in place and termites in three of the rooms. It's the luck of The Romanians.
Every time I open my arms back up to the Diarrhea Cupcakes, they take a huge crap. Tito and Raymond, you're the cupcakes. Know it, love it, smell it.
After that angry e-mail
to Sanger calling him an art fag, I took a long hard look at the Girl
Art Dump. They really are art fags. Lots of messenger bags and a couple
of them wear Weezer glasses. Bob K always has art guy sweaters on. Larson
can get really deep and sing love songs. If you're looking for art fags,
we're your one stop shop.
What's up with The Rick's? Well, Howard is just getting the scent of tea tree oil out of the Spascalade, Crankers has announced that he cares more about Skateboarder Magazine then The Bachelor, Raymond is a smelly little drifter that needs to call us and Schroeder was awesome in The Champ.
SPIKE JONZE PRESENTS BIRDS BACKYARD RAMPS is now called SPIKE JONZE PRESENTS IRRITATED, PARTY OF 1. After reviewing some tape, Spike felt that Bird harming children wouldn't look good on his resume. But Bird ruining full grown adults is just how Bird lives so really Spike is just shooting a documentary. Stay tuned.
Good thing we're not a hockey team or losing by 18 points would be gnarly. Go Lakers!
Here's the first digit
of Lee Dupont's cell phone: 7
Mouth to Anus boy has censored any future updates on his diet and nutrition. The fall of The Tap begins.
Just a shout out to plumbers: Don't shake the hand of the person who's drain you unclog while you're holding that snake thing in the other hand. It's uncool and more then that, it's just plain fucking gross.
Oceanside 5 update: Remember the e-mail I told you about that I received stating that "no one gives a fuck about the Oceanside 5". Well, the guy that sent it got really bummed at me for quoting him in this column and told me that I was lame and I better not use his name. Looks like someone not only gives a fuck about the Oceanside 5, they might be a little afraid of them. Admit it, you heard the story about Wilkins jumping of his mountain bike and whipping someone's ass while wearing Birkenstocks. You're skeered.
We got the offices painted and Greg Carroll's was supposed to be some special green color that heals the soul and helps with productivity. I guess the painters messed up and it is sort of a pee pee yellowish green color that is doing nothing but giving Greg a headache. On a brighter note, the accounting office is a light rosey pink and the ladies are happier than ever.
Mikey called me yesterday to tell me that he had something to ask me but forgot. You have to love the efficiency of updates like that.
There's a pre-season
game tomorrow night and the following people will not be in section
Speaking of Bird,
last night during a trip to the grocery store he found himself in that
age old dilemma of a checker opens her line and the jackass that is
at the end of the line goes to that checker. Bird was next in line so
he should be the next one that moves to that checker. Some words were
exchanged, a challenge thrown out but when Bird finished paying for
his goods and headed to the parking lot for a little one on one, The
Line Cutter had gotten scared and left.
I have Lee Dupont's cell phone number. Weird.
The Gav finally got
a cool tattoo. Wait, did that come out wrong? I mean the weird fisherman
guy is rad and the symbol that looks like the RDS logo could be cool
if it actually looked like the RDS logo. I wonder if the RDS logo is
trademarked and they can sue Tim.
The Little Shitty Bran Cakes are no more. Raymond is updating with photos and travel and Tito is keeping a journal and being an artist. These two are red hot right now.
A lot of people send
me e-mails asking why the stuff they send to Bob K never ends up on
The Tap. There could be three possible reasons:
Mouth to Anus Boy AKA Rickk is feeling much better now. Maybe his system was just in shock. When you go from two pounds of Skittles to no sugar, might feel it a bit.
The Laker season seats tickets have the nicest photos on them. Have you seen them, Frosty? Atiba? No? Just checking.
What's up with The Ricks? Rrick is missing, Crankers needs to paint his house and Rickk is killing his house plants on about a two a month scale. Good work, Rickks.
Ever had a migraine? Pretty rad stuff.
Let's take a look
at why it would be better to work for Nordstrom's then to work for Girl:
Nordstrom's gives frontline people the freedom to make key decisions.
Tomorrow, funniest column ever. Seriously.
Did you know that you can go to the Laker website and they offer an option to view the site in English, French, Dutch, Spanish and Italian? I know, who cares but I got on this thing where I have to start each column with something about The Lakers and it really is starting to bug even me.
I got an e-mail stating, "no one gives a f*** about The Oceanside 5 so stop updating us". As opposed to the rest of this column that lets you know each day about Frosty's new hair do or Mikey picking paint chips. Yeah, I see your point. The rest of The Tap is very important credible information so I see how those accurate and factual updates on The Ocanside 5 just don't fit in. Thanks for e-mailing, I like when smart people help me when I stray into idiotic topics.
update: He had a three hour mouth to anus pork chop after a bad bout
with food poisoning.
Harsh Hair Update:
Eric Anthony's hair has had some time to fade and he now looks like
the little boy from Family Affair. I don't know if the boy was Buffy
or Jody but that's who he looks like.
Frosty is going to kick the ass of the guy that tried to get him to pay $42,000 for Laker season seats. That's what Atiba told me.
Lee is not Scuba Lee
anymore. He's JUST LEE. We have to call him JUST LEE so when we write
"Lee" you don't think we are talking about Lee Smith.
The Lakers lost last
night. Pretty close game, lost by about 22 points. That would be losing
by a lot if they were a hockey team. But they are a basketball team
so it means it was a pretty close game.
Maserati update: Spike wishes. He's in Sweden freezing in a hotel room that is painted bright orange. He said he's loaded to the gills with good advice and is going to make Mikey, in the ASK MIKEY AND ASK SPIKEY column, "look like a little bitch". Spike's been around Ty way too much. We're garnishing Spike's wages to come up with the money that he owes Grant for the film that Grant thought Spike was using for skate photos but he was out using for fashion shoots. Again, Grant, our apologies.
I think the charcoal nudes I am doing of the art department are going to be such a hit at the Perdosideways show. I actually just made myself dry heave.
Sad news, The Shit Cupcakes have broken up. With Tito on an updating roll, he leaves Rick Raymond to be the lone Crapcake. Sorry, Rick but you know the rules.
Oceanside 5 Update: Mihaly needs a new cell phone, guys. It rings twice and then makes the loudest buzzing noise you've ever heard. I'd put the number up here so you could hear it but the last time The Tap pulled a stunt like that, we lost a friend.
Lakers won last night but the whole thing just looked really weird. All sorts of other teams mixed up on The Lakers. Between that weirding me out and crying when Gray Davis had to concede and then crying more when I saw that his wife was crying... long night.
Just a quick apology
to The Poo Puffs. Turns out Tito did update his column twice in one
day and Bob K was too busy being a self-promoting dork to post it. That
is the story of Crail Tap. Bob K always holding us back from who we
could truly be.
Oceanside 5 Update:
It turns out they ARE putting in a sort of tunnel but it only goes from
what is going to be Grant's office to Swift's office. And it is actually
just a crawl space. The Jefferson 2 don't like tunnels so they were
cool with it but Wilkins has thrown a fit as usual.
Have you ever worked in an office where people leave their food wrappers on the lunch table? It's super rad. You go to sit down to eat your food and you put your elbow in ketchup or sometimes hot sauce. It almost makes you wish you had your own column where you could, in a really nice way, say, "Hey Fuckhead, how about cleaning up after yourself?" or maybe "Do you need to be asked 39 times to be courteous or is the 38 times I already asked enough?".
After a few days of
feeling the odd absence of Mikey not asking me questions for a few days,
he stepped back up to the plate with about 44 in a 4 minute phone conversation.
They started with questions about if he had received a raise and ended
with something related to the lease of his car.
One time my friend
kept bugging me for my season seats so I gave him a set but I didn't
tell him it was a pre-season double header. He was so bummed.
What occurs once in
a minute, twice in a moment and never in a thousand years? The letter
I haven't heard from the CaCa Cupcakes in a few days, lines must be long at Home Depot.
Does anyone think that Wolf Blitzer on CNN looks like the guy that used to be the US Surgeon General?
Rickk nutrition update: He has told us that he is no longer allowed to eat fruit or drink Gatorade. It's really starting to sound like his doctor just wanted to see if he could say "Mouth to anus" with a straight face.
SPIKE JONZE PRESENTS BIRD'S BACKYARD RAMPS is back on track. Look for a special episode that coincides with the PedroSideways art show. Basically Bird just going raining on everyone's parade under a bridge.
Have you ever seen how fast Bob K types?
Does this column create more questions then it offers in answers? Tomorrow this column will rip. Or suck. But one of them for sure.
Clive got more mail today then I bet Karl Malone gets in a whole week.
I guess we all learned over the weekend that you don't hit a tiger on the nose with a microphone. I think that is what you do to a shark. Maybe Roy (of Sigfried and Roy) drank some Absinthe before the show and thought the tiger was a shark. Or maybe he thought it was a Tiger shark? I guess we won't know until he can speak. He's already doing the thumbs up signal so talking should be just around the corner.
Guess where Mikey is right now? On his way to Crate and Barrel with his contest winnings from The Canadian Super Winter Great White North Skate Off. I don't think that is the real name of the contest but he really did get 4th and some cash. Mikey finally beat Frosty in a contest. It meant that Frosty had to not enter but technically Mikey still beat him.
update: His doctor had him eat beets and write down the day and time
that he ate them. Then he told him to keep an eye on his poop and write
down when it was magenta color. I might have already told you this but
I'm too lazy to check previous columns. But don't let that make you
feel like I don't care about you and this column, I'm just sort of tired
and I have a pulled muscle so I'm feeling sorry for myself.
Can someone in Sweden contact us and let us know why Spike would need a body guard? Thanks.
Oceanside 5 update: The tunnel has been cancelled. It makes the ad rates just too astronomical. Instead, when Swift calls a 4:00 meeting, he has to do it a week in advance. This gives Wilkins 7 days advance on an airline ticket and it also gives Atiba and Ako 7 days to let everyone know that they are fine but they might miss a night or two at the LA clubs.
Since I am always
doing research for this column, I came across an article about how much
different teams in the NBA hated The Jazz because of Karl Malone and
his "dirty play". My favorite part was Dirk Nowitzki being quoted as
saying, "I hate the city of Utah more then any other in the NBA". Do
you hate the city of California now you big goofy haired jock?
We got big problems here in the Girl Film Camp. Spike went to Sweden to do some work and he has a body guard! Ty was so let down that someone from our camp would get a body guard that he suggested Spike have one the next time he plans on seeing Ty.
Total Recall Update:
Bird not feeling Arnie at all and although Bird is not afraid to grope
someone, that is not what he wants in a governor. Bob K not voting for
Arnie "because he bugs me when he talks". Bob K can't vote so don't
worry about his strategic methods of choosing who should move in the
governors mansion. Megan backing Arnie because "if he was Mr. Universe
then obviously he can run the state".
I know in other arena's of Crail you have been updated and then more updated on The Oceanside 5 but we got even more scoop. They are having a tunnel built that shoots a tube to Lincoln or Los Angeles then back to San Diego, just like the one at the drive through part of the bank. So let's say Swift calls a 4:00 meeting. He shoots the tube to Lincoln, Wilkins gets in and is back at The Skateboard Mag HQ in seconds. Then he gets out and shoots the tube to LA where The Jefferson 2 hop in and they are also at HQ in seconds. They meet, hug and kiss goodbye and then back in the tube and back home. Because of the cost of the tunnel, ads will probably be about $15,000 for a quarter page. The tunnel might have to be put on hold.
I know I sort of mentioned
that the relationship with Rickk and his trainer seemed off but let
me give you a glimpse and you judge for yourself. The trainer has Rickk
eating beets and then telling him how fast the red from the beets turns
his crap red. He told him he needs to get a better idea of Rickk's "mouth
to anus time schedule".
The Gav was asked to leave his yoga class. "I guess I really am immature". Stop being so hard on yourself, Timmy. We all get kicked out of yoga from time to time.
The people in Utah are really turning on The Mailman. They're calling him "Karla" now on sports radio in Salt Lake City. Ouch, my sides hurt from laughing.
Someone has decided
to spread a rumor that Bird's bad attitude is the result of a small
tour of duty in Desert Storm. We would like to make clear that his bad
attitude is the result of a lot of things but that he has never served
in the military. The only person from the Girl/Lakai camp that has military
history is our very own positive and polished, Rob Abeyta.
As I write this, Rickk went to poop in a cup for his doctor that is putting him on a special diet. I think there is something weird about the whole thing but Rickk finds nothing odd about eating corn and then watching to see how long it takes to pass through his system and then reporting back to the doctor. Oh well, it's his butt, he can do with it whatever he likes.
Mikey and Scott are on their way to a contest in a very cold city in Canada where that Ryan kid will probably beat them both. Then they'll come back and tell us all the stuff they could have gotten at Pottery Barn or Crate and Barrel while they were gone.
Did you know that in some parts of the world there are poisonous blow darts that could kill a full grown man? Imagine what something like that would do to a dog... or maybe even a rat? YIPES.
I got an e-mail today
from someone with an in depth explanation of how I truly can not claim
to love the game of basketball if I support someone like Karl Malone.
It then rambled on about the guy he knocked out when he was in college.
ALL MY CHILDREN has gone nuts. Alexander Cambias called everyone into the dining room at the Pine Valley Inn and they played a tape of him reading his will (he's already dead). Everyone thinks Kendall killed him but I think Erica had someone kill him. They found him hanging on a meat hook in a building that Kendall owned. He was all frozen. No one is bummed that he is dead because he is a thief and a rapist.
Mikey is officially
living at the new house. He seems all calm and he hasn't asked that
many questions lately. Maybe someone cloned him and that isn't even
him that has been coming by. That would be funny, right. Just kidding,
it would be scary. Actually it would just be plain dumb.
Did you know that
Carnahan moved out of the tattoo room and into a cubicle? Rob didn't
want to get into the details but the break up has to do with incense,
Pete Yorn, Karma points, Yucca and posters of chicks standing next to
motor bikes that were pulled out of Transworld.
Harsh Hair Update: Have you ever had a friend that you really liked and they got a haircut and now they just keep combing it to the side and they look like they're 11 but they are such a good good friend that you would feel bad just blurting out, "Hey, Bob K, what up with the style"? It's tough but on the high road you just accept your friends, through the good cuts and the bad.
After a thorough accounting through tear pages, film, deposits to Spike's bank account and more, we have tallied that Spike owes Grant Brittain $9,349.89 for film that he used for outside jobs but was sent to him for the purpose of shooting skate photos while Spike was freelancing for Transworld. Grant, just let us know if you want a cashiers check or cash and we'll get that taken care of.
Quick shout out to the CaCa Cupcakes. Updating and Regulating.
Did you know that the Utah fans now refer to Karl Malone as The Failman and not The Mailman? What else would you expect from a bunch of Jazzholes?
I hope little Rick McCranky wasn't in Nova Scotia last week. I just found out that they had to evacuate the homes in low lying areas because of Hurricane Juan. It created 85mph winds and winds half that strong would pretty much turn Rickers into a kite. If you see an Anti-Social logo floating in the air, call us.
There's a book you can buy called "388 Hair Styles" but it just has pictures and no names. I think it would be cool if all hairdressers had that book and you could just go into the salon and say "I'll have the Miami Flowback" or something like that and they would just cut it. No one wants to cart that book into the salon and point out pictures.
Did you know that Ernest Hemingway wrote "For Whom The Bell Tolls" while under the influence of "The Green Fairy" or Absinthe as it is more commonly known? Neither did Brian Anderson, Brad Staba, Sam Smyth or Megan.
Just a quick shout
out to the dipshit in H*** Depot that pointed to the entire store over
his right shoulder when I asked where the paint section was. Dude, screw
your stupid ass. In the vast 70,000 square feet that you pointed to
was also the following departments: Plumbing, Power tools, Decor, Electrical,
Heating and Cooling and Lighting and Fans. It's OK to be helpful, that's
what that orange vest is supposed to indicate.
My neighbor told me that Karl Malone might buy a house in Newport Beach. It's the same neighbor that told me that she thought she saw a dolphin walk one time so I would say as sources go, not so much.
Other than that, how about those Jets?
I'm in a bad mood and I need to detox.