Isn't it weird that Rick Fox, Rick Howard and Rick McCrank are all from Canada? No? OK.
While on the subject of Canada, Bob K has arrived at day 4 of NO SMOKING and his mood is improving. Although he is smoking other things and hanging out in strip clubs (but not at the main stage) he has been nicotine free for 96 hours. Interested ladies can call Bob at 310-783-1900 ext 120. His turn ons are nice tans, satin sheets and real leather upholstery.
The Frisconians went to the Dodgers/Giants game the other night and got pretty vibed. They're more used to beating each other up so fighting strangers made them sort of skeered.
I just realized I have too much work to do. I think The Gav is in agreeance.
Sunday July 20 are Laker Girl try outs at the Health South training center in El Segundo. If you're a girl, go try out. And if you're a boy that likes chicks that wear tons of make up, have platinum blonde hair and are super enthusiastic, go try and meet some ladies.
How come I can't understand how Friendster makes everyone so happy? Even Ty joined up and he hates everything. Help me understand.
Josh Caffrey is looking for a stalker. If you do decide to stalk him, be aware of the fact that he lives with Bird and if you show up to try and scare Josh or just be stalker like, Bird's usually pretty pissed off and will most likely vibe you so hard you'll be bummed you chose Josh. But don't pass on stalking Josh just because of Bird. Just maybe find out when Bird is out of town or at the special boutique where they sell cool shirts with pools all over them and go be creepy then. Don't punish Josh for Bird's sins is what I'm getting at.
In an effort to hang
on to the title of "Company with the most people that get their asses
kicked", Larson got punched in the face last weekend. He has a black
eye and seems sad.
WHAT THE HELL DOES
THAT MEAN takes us back to a word that we mentioned in yesterday's column.
Rather then misuse an existing word, The Gav took it upon himself to
make up a whole new word. He said he thought "all the share holders
were in agreeance" on a particular issue.
Mikey is not putting the apple orchard in at the new house. He is putting a banana tree in! Line up, ladies.
No, we're not doing the count down until the pre-season, stop it. Stop it!
Well, kick our ass
and call us Jerry, but to say we serve no purpose? What do we have to
do to win you over? Look what Crail has done so far:
Bob K asked me if I would ask people to call him "Smooth Operator". Um, no creepy. If any of you want to call him that, feel free but I'm sticking with Bob K.
Just to serve more
of a purpose, did you know that hundreds of residents of Wenatchee,
Washington, recently lost an average of 17 pounds in three months on
the 3-Apple-A-Day-Plan? This isn't a slutty attempt to get chicks for
Mikey, it's a real diet that works like this: Eat an apple before each
meal (the fiber will keep you from filling up on high calorie foods),
follow a low fat diet and exercise three times a week. Nice to meet
you Purpose, our name is Crail.
Not so Harsh Hair Update: Eti looks like he has a new kind of fish tail french braid, we'll keep you posted!
How about that game
six of the NBA play offs last night? Did you know "boring" in Spanish
is "aburrido"? Didn't think Spanish 101 was going to ever come in handy
but when you decide to spice the game up by switching to the Spanish
broadcast, you just never know.
Speaking of Lee Dupont? Ever gotten an invoice from him? He adds little notes about hating the Lakers. Lee, not necessary. Just a date, amount and address and we're good to go.
Spike has a helpful bit of information for all The Tappers: If you're buying a dress shirt, keep in mind that 60% of America is obese so it is sometimes a good idea to buy the boys size (rather then the mens size) and you avoid that "blousey look".
Harsh Hair Update: Emmet Jenkins has a Monkees cut and Bob K spent good money on a trim due to the fact that his parents were coming to town.
Mikey went to sign
his escrow papers and had two simple questions:
WHAT THE HELL DOES
THAT MEAN takes us to another 3 syllable plot:
Looks like All My Children is a little soft next to Days of Our Lives. Hime's claiming there's a guy in prison on D.O.O.L. that is telling some chick if she breaks him out of prison and has sex with him, he'll kill some guy for her. Is that gnarlier then the one lesbian on A.M.C. telling the other lesbian that her mother was dead to get sympathy?
A little Frosty trivia:
Not sure what was
stranger at last night's Nets/Spurs game, Phish opening up with the
Star Spangled Banner or KC of KC and The Sunshine Bands jeans.
All My Children Update: Tad called his brother Jake "a tool" for coming back into town with his new fiance and Erica told Greenley that she was lame for calling her gay daughter, Bianca, Lesbianca. I can relate to the show a lot more when they act immature. I wonder why.
Harsh Hair Update: Did you know both The Hime and Rickk Howard had corn rows at some point in their lives? What can they say? They're very street.
Remember in the movie PHENOMENON when John Travolta was buying all the chairs that Kyra Sedgewick made just because he loved her? Well, if you love us, how about hustling down to the local skate shop and pre-booking a Fourstar notebook? We've got about 10,000 in stock. Anyone?
Frosty, when you punch Crail up on your cute little phone, can you call me? Thanks.
I'm starting to think that some of you just don't like us. Every time I cheer for my new favorite team, you call me a band wagoner. I have serious history with New Jersey. My parents and siblings lived in Jersey (as we locals like to call it) for three years before I was born AND I was there for a flight lay over two times. What more do you want?
Remember in St Elmo's Fire when Demi Moore breaks down to Rob Lowe and he holds her while she cries? Mikey needs a Rob Lowe right now. He's been carrying this package of papers around with him and every now and then he'll take a look at them with a puzzled look on his face. He's about to fall apart, be ready.
No WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN today. The Gav is recovering from a trip to the gym that included a five mile stationary bike ride and then some weight lifting that resulted in an elbow injury. No picking on Timmy for at least 24 hours. They have hip hop aerobics at TIm's gym, that's what I heard.
You people are really lame with the secrets. I specifically asked you to not mention the spinning shoes as The Hime told me that in total confidence. That's why I can't tell you guys about the conversation The Hime and I had about his one neighbor when he lived with The Gav. And I'm not going to tell you about him crapping his pants at breakfast that one time. You people need to earn my trust again because you are damaging what The Hime and I have built as a friendship.
Did you know that there is no "I" in stupid? If you did, then you are.
Bob K is back to the cigarettes. I guess he thinks it will be OK when he gets some sort of tumor or the black lung and Mueller will have no one to help with Lakai. For the love of god, Bob, think about Mueller.
The Ducks got flocked. Sucks for them. This band wagon thing is awesome! Seriously, being a poser fan is so much less painful then really caring. Go Nets!
Did you know that
the sun is Bob K's shadow?
WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN takes us to a word that The Gav can use both correctly and incorrectly. Today's word is RELEVANT and it means having a bearing or connection with the matter at hand. The Gav can use it correctly or he can write that he thinks "this matter is of more relevant due to today's market". (The Gav tried to call bullshit on his misuse of these words so I am having to use direct quotes. Careful what you wish for, Timmers).
The girls on that show FOR LOVE OR MONEY thought that the guy that they are all pretending to like only to win a million dollars humiliated them last night. I think we need to refer back to Rick's comment during last week's episode "You can't be humiliated, you money grubbing whore bag". Or not.
The Hime owns special spinning shoes. He told me in confidence, sort of asked that I not repeat it so don't go up to him and say anything like "nice ballet slippers, Jim".
Remember when we made a whole catalog celebrating being in business for 3 years? We are so lame sometimes. Seriously, nice of us to prop ourselves for 36 months of success.
Looks like The Mighty Ducks might be flocked!
Anyone have any good books on judgement and tact that they could loan to Bird for a few weeks? Let us know, at this point, we'll pay top dollar.
Smyth lost his wallet for the first time. He and Mike had lunch and Mikey told him about his first time losing his wallet in the late 80's. Mike's lost his so many times now that he had a detailed print out of instructions of what Sam should do to get everything replaced. You know what's worse then losing your wallet? Leaving your new boots in a cab. FYI.
Jenkins got 16th place
in his motocross race this past weekend. Looks like someone might be
putting themselves on OCX.
Tomorrow this column is going to be thrilling. Unlike today.
Someone sent us an
e-mail calling us bandwagoners for cheering on The Ducks. Dude, we've
been Ducks fans for like, 5 weeks. 35 days! One of the Girl sales staff
drives a car that is the same turquoise color on The Mighty Ducks jersey...
what do you call that? I call it loyalty that runs pretty deep.
Well, not totally
out of material, there's always my good bud Gav to keep me going.
Totally out of material. Later.
It's the 3rd, Bob. Check a calendar after you pull your head out of your ass.
The Mighty Ducks are quacking their way to the Stanley Cup. Sorry.
There is no "I" in "self promotion". Well, not if you spell it wrong and we usually do.
Hey, Mikey, want to do the count down to the Lakai video release now that you bought your house? Cool, we'll get that going right away.
A quick smoke update: Tony "The Chimney" Larson still going at it with purpose, Eric "The Tailpipe" Anthony is totally backing the tobacco and Bob "The Extinguisher" K has been jogging to work now that his lungs are free of poison.
WHAT THE HELL DOES
THAT MEAN brings us the crazy word: prosperous. Prosperous is defined
Have you ever had a friend that you really like but they just have a mean streak? Me too. I had to tell The Hime yesterday how unkind it is to laugh if someone falls and hurts themselves and not to laugh at people that may be different then him in some way. I hope I helped him see that although the High Road is harder to get to, you'll feel better about yourself for taking it.
Ever tell people things and wish you didn't? Same with Hime.
Go Ducks! And not just any Ducks, the Mighty ones.
Josh Caffrey is trying
to put a reverse boycott in place and not show up for birthday parties
over here at Girl. We're too smart for you, Josh. If you know what's
good for you, you'll put that Matix jacket on and be at the Girl plant
on the 24th for Peter's cupcakes.
I got an e-mail asking "What is Crail other then a bunch of boring stories about all of you and Mike Carroll updates?" It's nothing other than those things. Truly, nothing.
For some reason Jenkins is driving around with some sort of wagon wheel in the back of his truck. I guess he's old school.
Rickk gave Brad one
of the first handmade hats in a series of one. Brad was so honored that
he ignored the fact that it had a large penis on it and wore it out
on the town.
Today we have a bonus
feature to RING RING RING called: WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?
The NBA play offs are cancelled. That's what I heard.
Jon "McEnroe" Buscemi is making the fateful leap from the east coast to the right coast. That's right. His career change is top secret but I heard from a very good source that he is going to be a snack resource assistant to The Gav. I guess The Gav has sort of exhausted the Nabisco aisle at Vons so Buscemi is going to help him venture out.
Speaking of Tim "Anastasio" Gavin, looks like his lady friend, Kelly (not Bird) really, really likes him. This is how we know: Remember when Hime would pretend to like Phish just to make Tim happy? Tim's new gal is willing to do the same. Such a sweetheart.
Bob "Fatass" K sent
me a breakdown of what he ate yesterday. Ever since he stopped smoking,
the guy has been pretty much in a chair next to the snack machine.
Chick "I'm only 3 pounds" The Dog would like to remind Rick "40 pound hands" Howard that he is a small small animal and when you toss him off the couch, it hurts a little.
Mike "Granny or Macintosh" Carroll has not yet been in the office today. For the last three days he has been walking around with a puzzled look on his face. I know, I know, that's normal but it is an even more puzzled face.
Dirk is so Euro, comfortable
in just a soccer jersey on the Dallas bench. I think it will be neat
for scary movie buffs if a team owned by Frankenstein wins it all. Go
Larson and Jenkins
settled what seemed to almost be a fist fight at one point. I guess
Larson feels hampsters are useless and will "bite your ass off" if you
try and pet them.
Speaking of Larson, I think he may have a Black Fly sponsorship. He always has different glasses and if you think of how SD Lardog is in his soul, pretty safe bet we got a sponsorship lurking somewhere.
Spinners don't do that spray on salad dressing when they are watching their weight, that's Richard Simmons you're thinking of.
Spike is on his way to Brazil from Italy right now. Unless you're that scary girl that stalks him then he's in Chicago visiting family.
Mikey has asked me the same question 6 days in a row. I'm just letting you know that nothing has changed.
Looks like we got
ourselves a talent show. Just keep in mind as we prepare, talent can
mean a lot of things. And it isn't the "really talented" show, just
the talent show.
Marc Johnson isn't afraid to have a Snickers in the afternoon. I guess no one really is, I was just trying to make him sound tough.
Bob K quit smoking. He has no craving for that yummy tobacco taste that feels so good going through your lungs. He probably won't even think about cigarettes on that long lonely drive home. And when he has that beer tonight, probably no yearning for a quick toke. Go Bob!
Let's take a quick
head count of people that have gotten their ass kicked in the last month:
Big thumbs up to my drunken neighbor who wheeled the trash bin out into the middle of the street on Sunday night. You are a terrific human and I'm not psychic but your future looks so bright it makes me feel psychic. If I ever have to touch that trash dumpster again, you're going to replace the windshield of your Pontiac weekly. That's right,bro.
Harsh Hair Update: Abeyta now understands that he is out of the military and is sporting a softer, more friendly look, Greg Carroll didn't have a hat on for one day, Rudy is starting to get the early stages of Tony Orlando Poof do, Frosty is looking like a full grown Yorkshire Terrier and Ty needs new eyebrows.
Sorry for the lag in the update of this column but I promise the shit talking in today's update will make up for any lost time.
Look, I felt pretty
foolish a few times at the depths of my Laker loyalty but the Laker
haters are more foolish and more dedicated to their envy then I thought
possible. A few of the Laker haters went as far as posting a list of
which Laker fans would be bummed at Laker losses as well as photos of
Laker players lost in the emotion that is attached to the reality that
a group of losers from Texas can beat you in a basketball game.
Mikey bought the house! He needs to spruce a few things up before he invites that lucky lady over but he's a home owner. Along with the responsibility of being a home owner, Mikey is going to make a note of the names of the lucky ladies that get to play the apple trick with him! Welcome to adulthood, Mike.
Frosty, if you read this, call Meg, just a quick question.
Spike was stunned and astounded to find out that Ty had been involved in an altercation after an awards party. Spike said if someone was talking shit on YEAH RIGHT, then Ty was justified but if they weren't, Spike feels we need to have a heart to heart with Ty about his drinking, temper and electro music.
Rickk has the flu. So sad. Sweatpants, chicken noodle soup and tea. Similar to the neighborhood pervert but no binoculars.
Here's the F150 update: Megan got rid of two old bicycles in it on Friday, Bird went to Palm Springs in it on Saturday and hopefully Megan can make it back from Yucca tomorrow without a concussion.
Mueller is the current ping pong champ and as I type, invoicing people for free lance projects. Yes, he's a machine.
Sam is currently partying like it's 1999 at his birthday block party bash. Hime wasn't invited.
How about those NBA play offs? Again, how can I thank everyone for the flood of "Kobe sucks" and "Shaq is fat" e-mails? Just heart warming to see the many people that take the time to write. Really, thank you so much. Go Sacto!
Did you know that Rick (McCrank) is in a real life motor cycle gang? Except for being scary, tough, muscular, able to kick people's asses and have beards, his gang is just like the Hell's Angels.
No office drama today
but I guess when the other asshole that writes this column sometimes
mentions people in this column sometimes they get their feelings hurt.
Believe me, the other person that writes this column is a total dipshit.
The Gav has been eating
every Nabisco treat known to man! He was getting a little thick around
the middle but a few trips to Golds Gym and he's looking like his petite
Greg Carroll has been
out of the office for two days and this is what has happened:
Pink update: Light pink is in but hot pink is so yesterday!
Awesome game last night. The Spurs are so fun to watch. Love it.
If undercover cops
park in the Girl parking lot during a stake out, shouldn't they not
tell us that they are involved in a sting? I mean we're not the best
at keeping secrets.
Once Mikey gets situated
in his new house, he may have two columns on Crail. That's right. One
will be for general questions of all kinds called ASK MIKEY and the
other will be love advice called MIKEY'S ORCHARD.
Jenkins got an IPOD and the joy of having it is the opposite of a huge fat hairy man laying on the floor of his office.
Sam Smyth is about to take Girl to the next level. This would be the level after the one Greg took us to. Pretty neat stuff.
Thanks for the consistent flow of e-mail letting me know how much you hate the Lakers and how happy you are they got eliminated. It motivated me to watch a few of the other games and WOW! You folks are really on to something! Those games with absolutely no defense! Those are the best. The playoffs are really going to be something else this year. But seriously, those e-mails that break down each player, I can't tell you how great those are and bravo to you on originality. Crail really brings in the brilliance.
Guess what we found out on Saturday night after we got a few drinks in Mueller? He's totally feeling high fashion. It's true. Had the credit card out at Barney's and showed up to party in a new jacket. Unlike Gavin, Mueller knows how to mix the pieces up. He off set the jacket with a button up plaid and some denim. So hot right now.
On another fashion note, Bird pulled out all the stops with a shirt that said to all the women in the bar, "Stay away, I'm sort of weird".
A lot of people have been asking about Mikey's apple trick. Send those questions to "Ask Mikey" as he is just about to update his column.
"What are you going
to call your stupid column now"? Maybe I'll call it one of the many
names of the stupid people that asked me that. It's called RING RING
RING, get it? We already won three, see how it works? If it was called
RING RING RING RING then I can see how you would struggle for some answers.
Ty is back from Hawaii and already thinking about kicking Spike's ass. Normally I would have egged him on but we're not even 24 hours away from breaking the news to Spike that he has a really nasally voice. He was shocked and didn't take that news so well so I think it better to have Ty kick his ass next week.
OK, so Mikey puts the offer in and since it was the only offer, the people selling the house say they want to have another open house so they can see if they get more offers. We'll let you know what mental ward to send the flowers to.
The Gav's outfit today? It's best described as "WOW". Some sort of dirty camo shorts, Gucci shades, bright yellow t-shirt and some dark colored Claes. It all seemed acceptable, just not as an outfit. I guess Tim never got the memo about mixing and matching designer pieces.
Awesome game tonight, so much fun. Other than that, just a few quick FUCK YOU shout outs to: Kelly Bird, Tony Larson, Lee Dupont, Sal Barbier, Kelly Bird, Jon Buscemi, Gino Ianucci, David Stern, Sung Choi, Josh Caffrey (bandwagon Laker hater), Kelly Bird, Bret Banta, the entire east coast and of course, Kelly Bird. See you in September.
If the tickets weren't $2000 each in the lower section for tonight's Laker game, there's a pretty good chance The Hime would be the MGD Laker fan of the game. But since the fans watching the game on the big screen on Figueroa near the Fox Sports Bar don't usually get in the running for the fan of the game, chances look slim to none for our little spinner.
The Gav is wearing size Medium t-shirts now. (That was just a quick little FYI).
Greg Carroll sent all of us a "don't fuck around while I'm out of the office on Thursday or you'll be sorry" e-mail. Other than closing at 4 for the Laker game, pretty much sticking to the rules.
I guess The Tap is being sued by a certain someone that had to be hospitalized after the image of Tony and Jeremy naked in front of a personal water craft caused them to vomit repeatedly. It really isn't that bad if you can squint and try and pretend Larson doesn't have a rash on his inner thighs but Jeremy's hand covers some of the rash.
Mikey has put an offer in on a house and so we're looking at a solid 6 months until we can ask the guy anything more complicated then "What time is it?"
Office Drama #3:
If Phil Jackson grabs his chest during the third quarter, just look away from the television.
Here is a brief list
of people that are currently looking for houses and can not think or
talk about anything but the subject of the house or its possible renovations:
We aren't going to
pay Meza for the filming he did for YEAH RIGHT. We were going to and
then he sent over an 8 page fax. Aaron, how about consolidating that
info on to a single page? Well, The Mez won't soon make that mistake
again. We're not paying him this time in an effort to teach him a lesson.
Office Drama #2! And you didn't hear it from Caffrey. Yesterday our health insurance administrator brought by a big box of doughnuts (I guess he wants to make sure the insurance goes to good use). One of the doughnuts was filled with a white creamy substance. Megan thought it looked suspicious so, always stuck on that high road, she offered Bob K $20 to eat it. Bob K took the $20 but rumor had it that he did not eat the entire doughnut. This got back to Megan and she keyed Bob K's car. Bob K was pissed because he claims he did eat the doughnut so he wrote "bitch" in the dust on her back window.
Rob Abeyta did not think the "who's the toughest guy in the office" challenge was funny at all. In fact, the poster behind his desk is of Tony and Jeremy naked in front of a Sea Doo. It's sickening but it's hardcore.
Rickk set up a vending machine next to Sam's where you can take out short term loans just in case you want to buy one of the Clif bars he is selling.
Phil Jackson is resting nicely and thinks he is going to coach the game tomorrow night. I think when you have open heart surgery, the sidelines of a Laker game is not the place to recover. If they heated the place, I'd say bring him in to coach but with that A/C blaring, forget it.
We have a big problem
here at The Tap. McCrank doesn't want to be called McCrank anymore.
But if we just call him Rick, you might think we're talking about Rick
Howard. We had a round table on how to handle this. Mikey said "if McCrank
won't let us call him McCrank, the terrorists win". Mikey's smart but
that's for another day.
Harsh Hair Update: Greg Carroll looks like he got a new brand of that stuff he uses to slick back his hair, it looks extra shiny today.
Later this week, Mikey is going to show Jereme how to drive a car and make out with a girl at the same time. Mikey can actually do his apple trick while driving so I think a little make out lesson ought to be a cinch.
Did you know The Gav is not recommending Merlots to his friends? Not the kind in the box, either! Timmy's come a long way since escaping AZ, mom and dad have to be proud each month when they wrap that $50 in foil and send it to him.
Last night I had a dream that Bob K was on Fear Factor and Tiffany Amber... wait, that was Bob's dream. He's just such a good story teller, I thought I had that dream.
Spurs are skeered.
That one guy, Bowen, on The Spurs, he's pretty good. Enough about the NBA.
A glimpse into the
Rob/Tony/Jeremy office... Tony and Jeremy both have posters of chicks
in bikinis in front of a motocross bike on the wall behind their desks.
Rob has a picture of just a motorcycle, no chick. Some of you might
say Rob is soft but maybe if you knew about his special military training
you would re-think that. He can hang glide into a picnic with his whole
family, land and set up a tent before you can say, "Who's that"? Watch
your back, sh!t talkers.
One more note about Rob, he is working on a 1200 word disclaimer that will automatically appear at the end of any e-mail sent by a Girl employee. That's the recipe for hardcore I've been telling you about. Gnarly, right?
Did you know there
is real live employee drama that goes on in the Girl offices? It's true,
real drama with vibing and the whole 9 yards, not just that "Josh Caffrey
told me" stuff . Real harsh hard feelings. Here's an example:
The Honourary Crail Canadian is Rick McCrank. Forever. No more games, he's the guy. We are getting a Crail Tap bronzed maple leaf for him to mount on the front of his motorcycle. He doesn't know so keep it under your hat. We're having a big surprise party for him with chicks and beer and all the stuff Crankers lives for. It's going to be off the chain.
LeLee was at Girl playing Pac Man yesterday, acting like he was just hanging out. Right. I said we take him in the skate park and rough him up to get back at his bouncer friends that gave Mikey the bozo nose, but there was too many people skating. I think I saw him steal a pack of Diamond stickers on his way out. LeLee, dirty little thief.
Harsh Hair Update: I think someone needs to trim Frosty in the front. He looks like Chick, always shaking the hair out of his eyes. Um, Ruby, let's get on this pronto, the guy has a photo shoot coming up. Can someone get Ruby a copy of Eric's schedule so we're all on the same page?
Bob K, so fucked right now.
The Lakers play The
Spurs tonight. The Spurs are so exciting to watch. When Robinson comes
down court with that cute little military meets Cameo hair do, it's
just such a thrill. And Tim Duncan with his boyish charm. What more
could you want?
A few people contacted
me regarding the look back at The Gav's past couple of years. They were
concerned that I did not include the hot dog cart tackle. Let's show
the corrected list:
For a few months we
have not mentioned our old friend, The Hime. The Hime got really into
spinning so The Tap thought it better to just go our seperate ways.
Mikey found a home he likes and he was going to make an offer. Greg Carroll had to go and ask Mikey a question about a board and now he had thrown everything off course. Please people, no questions for Mikey until the end of June.
Bob K told me all kinds of secrets and then told me I can't tell anyone. I hope I don't drink and forget that they were secrets. That would suck. Not for me but for Bob. Poor Bob, when I drink I can't keep anything to myself.
Today's column might as well be called RICK RICK RICK as it is just a collection of quotes that give you a little insight to how Mr. Howard ticks during the NBA playoffs.
"That's f---ing Euro ball, play soccer, you f---!"
"MVP my asshole, that guy is a loser."
"Chomp on that you Texas motherf----ers!"
"What the f--- is up with the f----- cable, f---!"
"Is that BIrd? F---!"
"I don't see you jumping now, San Antonio bitches!"
Guess who got second place at The Slam City Bonanza? No, he stayed home to ice his swollen face. Second place was Rick McCrank! Crankers wasn't available for comment so we have to just make his quote up. "I felt like the winner I knew I could be" said McCrank. Congratulations, Ricky.
Did you know Ruby is going to "blow the back door out of this place" and maybe even take over the world? It's true, Rick told us. Look for Ruby everything coming soon.
It looks like Drinco De Mayo got cancelled. I can't tell you why yet but it has something to do with the 5 freeway at 4:30, a big ass diamond and a sucker. You try and figure it out and we'll tell you the whole story next week when we can talk about it.
The Gav is having Taco Monday at his pad tonight. So far it is him, his lovely lady and Rick. It only takes three to have a fiesta. It also only takes three people to do some other stuff but we'll leave that for the "Ask Mikey" section.
Speaking of Mikey, he is going to be staying in a hotel for about a month until he purchases a home. You know what this means? Heavy chick rotation! Literally.
Lately it has felt like we have no spin in our life. Ya' know?
The TImberwolves are skeered. And they lost the game this coming Thursday.
We here at The Ring are full on bro's with Bob K but every now and then we have to make a little space between us because at times Bob K can be a self centered egomaniacal son of a biscuit.
We have to bring back The Honourary Crail Canadian or Clive does not get to go to Slam City Jam.
Speaking of Slam City Jam, here are a list of people that backed out and their reason:
- Rick Howard : NBA playoffs
Lately I have been thinking that Sasquash is just a dirty polar bear. I think he is all muddy and that is why he doesn't like to get his picture taken. Or maybe not.
Did you know that The Gav lost a bet and didn't pay up? Let's take a look at The Gav over the last year or so...
The eastern conference in the NBA is insane. This column is funny, right?
No more Honourary Crail Canadians. I know, so sad but we're all cool with them and what else do we have to do? We put a bunch of Canadian skaters on Girl, we hire more Canadians then your average American company and all our decks are Canadian maple. I think we've done our part in welcoming our friends in the north.
Have you ever read THE NORDSTROM WAY? Well, you should. It's a book about how great of a company Nordstrom's is and that they are America's #1 customer service company. I thought Girl was #1 but maybe we're number two.
Rick and Mike learned that age old lesson, "Don't get in a car that does not belong to you and might belong to a very large man". Mikey learned the lesson a little rougher then Rick did and has the boot print on his forehead to prove it.
Did you know that Arvedis and Kevin Wilkins formed a support group for people that don't ever update their columns? I know those two, the minute they get wind of the next Crail Tap rager they're going to be all "I have a column on Crail, I get to go". You know what fellas? No, you don't.
Remember the other day when I told you I was going to break down the recipe for hardcore? It's coming just be patient...
Lakers beat the Timberwolves this Tuesday.
Today's Honourary Crail Canadian is both French and Canadian! Imagine the proud blood pumping through his veins! Today we honour Max Gros-Louis. He was born in 1931 in the Village-des-Hurons de Wandake. If I was born in a place that hard to pronounce with that many syllables, I would just tell people I was from SF. And if they said, "Well why the fruity accent?" I would just tell them that I went to a private french school as a child and never shook the accent. Enough about me though.
To all those ladies thinking that tonight would be the night that Mikey holds you in his arms, might have to just be patient. He got his ass kicked in Paris right before he left so he might need to recover a little. We'll keep you posted.
This is an easy one. What would you rather be, a European Robin or a Scarlet Ibis? Just look the European Robin up on the web and you'll see the simplicity of this. No one likes to look like they swallowed a medicine ball. Scarlet Ibis, hands down.
Anyone hooked on All My Children yet? I bet. Kendall told Michael to take his silk shirts and go back to daddy in Europe and then she took the "beautiful" necklace that he gave her and sold it at a pawn shop. She is going to invest the money in Fusion so they can fight the lawsuit with the lady that says their lip gloss thrashed her taste buds. And Erica had decided to not be a narrow minded moron and is now going to accept that her daughter is a lesbian.
Finally Phil Jackson checked out my column. You already know they won because I told you so long ago but The Lakers beat the Timberwolves today bringing the series to 2-2.
Wednesday, Bob K is going to be attending a seminar called "Discretion and how to survive with out it".
Thursday, Greg C is going to attend a seminar called "I'll kick your ass and then mediate while you're unconcious".
Monday brings Mikey back in town which means a couple of girls that thought they were getting lucky tonight are going to have to wait. But as all the ladies know, he's always worth the wait. Come on ladies, that cute dumb act? You'd wait a lifetime for a moment of that!
A quick shout out to the chick that goes to Slam City Jam each year to make magic with Rick Howard, try showing up with some Skittles, he's a sucker for those things!
Today's Honourary Crail Canadian is the guy from Sun Computers that basically created JAVA. He got a PhD from Carnegie Mellon University and enjoys cooking. I forgot his name so welcome to The Tap, smarty pants.
Anyone that thinks it is time for Clive to start running photos of backyard pools instead of backyard ramps, draw a picture of a big "shaka" and send it over. Or draw a picture of a really lame back yard ramp and include a man note that says something like, "Dude, put the breaks on with the ramp photos".
Tomorrow we're going to run through a quick easy plan of how to remain hardcore. Free! I know, we're the bomb.
Lakers beat the Timberwolves this coming Sunday. Maybe third time's a charm with these half assed predictions.
Remember a couple of years ago when I would update you on the playoffs in the east? That was funny.
All My Children is going all kinds of off! Erica found out that someone at her cosmetic company tried to frame her by having someone file a false lawsuit against Fusion. Tad helped the girls at Fusion put the paper trial together and the fits about to hit the shan.
Yesterday Bob K went to the Santa Monica pier and tossed he and Megan's friendship bracelets into the ocean. Oh well. I guess that means that she won't be invited to the YEAH RIGHT premier that he and his landlord are having. Megan wasn't bummed because her new friend, Pete C is way cooler and agrees that there is a good chance that Ben Johnson is a total loser. Later Bob. And next time we have a bridal shower in the Escalade....looks like Pete C will be riding shotgun.
I'm not sure if anyone caught Star Search last night but there was a dance group on there that looked like a child size version of Kenny Anderson, Brian Anderson, Rick McCrank and Rick Howard. They were good but the similarities were alarming.
The Bachelor is so hot! How cool is it to take a chick on a date to a drive-in and watch a slide show of photos taken throughout the course of their lives while the two of you are dressed like extras from an episode of Laverne and Shirley? Well, to answer my own question, not so cool. And this chick is going to end up thinking every night of her life should feel like a scene from a Disney cartoon. Wait until the first night this guy tries to say, "Hey let's stay at home and have lasagna". She's going to be like "Well, can we have a chef make it and show us a slide show of how he made it?". How about a slide show of these two cheese logs breaking up in three months?
Bird lost an auction on Ebay yesterday and didn't even threaten the guy that won the auction. It's tear jerking to see this guy evolve.
Eric Anthony is 6 days without a cigarette! "I even got wasted last night and didn't smoke" Eric told us when we were congratulating him. I think it is safe to say that there is truly nothing this group of people can not do. Well, we never meet ad deadlines but other than that, there aint no stopping us now, we're on the move. Yeah, aint no stoppin' us now, we got the groove.
Well, yesterday we here at The Tap learned that age old lesson: Don't dance on the hot griddle if you don't have special hot griddle dancing shoes. Wait, that might not have been the lesson we learned.
Harsh Hair Update: Rick got a tiny chunk of poop stuck on his butt and it was so mushed into his butt hair, even though most of it got shaved off, it had to be cut off. He was on the bathroom counter top with his butt in the air. One of us held him while the other made the cut. Ooops, did I write Rick? I meant Chick.
Who would have thought Ben Johnson had such a huge following! Sorry for that stuff I wrote about him. Just because he cheats at sports to win does not mean he's a bad guy.
I was on the high road yesterday three different times, no sign of Bob K. I guess he isn't familiar with that road. And he doesn't have the proper direction to the high road. (Those words were so powerful, admit it).
If Tito doesn't show up to update his column by tomorrow, he's going to be wearing his ass as a hat. Not really but if you're loving these "old sayings" as much as I am, we're both stoking hard. Stoking hard? This column sucks. But at least it's current.
The Bachelor is on tonight. I hope the girls lay out at the pool again and the camera man pans in really tight on their buns. That seems very important in this intense battle for respect. I think it would be so cool if Mikey could be The Bachelor. The girls would be like, "but I don't want to put that potato there" and he would be like "then how will I know if we're compatible?". And then he could get really drunk and while his friend is trying to help him not get his ass kicked, he can make out with a chick and then knock his friend down.
Lakers beat the Timberwolves in Game 2. Just letting you know ahead of time.
Tad is helping the girls at Fusion out with there lawsuit and Erica has lost Jack for good this time. Kendall is going to sleep with the guy that looks like Ricky Martin to get his formula for the magical skin cream.
We're trying to pull a fund together to help the Podium employees get cell phones that don't look like they have a 12" TV in there pocket. Send your donations to "Come on into 2003, Fellas" care of THE TAP. We will also be having a rager at The Gav's house this weekend while he is in NY. (Don't tell him, he's sort of a freak about the carpet). We're charging a $5.00 cover for dudes and of course, ladies and spinners are free. See you there.
Today's Honourary Crail Canadian is Michelle Pezel. Michelle is the president of Antisocial Skate Shop and gallery in Vancouver and likes to hire people named "Fire Crotch". Michelle is fond of cats, dogs and birds but can not make a decision when ordering dinner at a restaurant. She can make a beautiful handbag and drives a Jaguar like a professional. She is also one of a small group of Canadians not afraid of monkey tattoos. Welcome to The Tap, Michelle.
I received an angry e-mail from a Canadian pointing out that it is a travesty to write that Ben Johnson "likes to cheat" (see yesterday's honoury). I guess I should have written: Ben likes to cheat but prefers when he does not get caught.
Guess who I never ever run into on the high road? Bob K. Never ever. I take that road all the time and I have never seen him there.
Looks like it's going to be another sad year for Kevin Garnet. He does have those super cool, 5 carat stud earrings but that doesn't hold a candle to a championship ring. Maybe Shaq will let Kevin wear one of his rings for a weekend. I bet he would.
Pretty soon we are going to begin the count down to Spike's new compilation DVD as well as the new Chocolate video. If we don't keep those counts up, Spike and Ty will just sit around and drink Bud Light. They both really need a weekend with Anthony Robbins to help them get their shit together.
If anyone that reads this column has a cell phone belt holster company, can you give us a call? We're trying to get The Gav a sponsorship.
Harsh Hair Update: Chick had his entire butt shaved. It was sad, he kept tilting his head with a weird look on his face. If he could talk, I think he would say, "Why?". And I think I would have to say, "I have no idea, the groomer just does it when I drop you off". And then I think he would say, "Well, why don't you find out?" and then I would say, "Stop talking, you're a dog".
Today's Honourary Crail Canadian is Ben Johnson. Ben was a prize winning sprinter that was eliminated from the 1988 Olympics after he tested positive three times for banned stimulants found in cold medicines. He runs fast and likes to cheat. He threatened to bring a law suit against someone in 2003 but I don't think he had enough cold medicine to keep him motivated to do it. Welcome to The Tap, Ben.
Guess who went motor cycle riding and did not end up at Riverside County Hospital?
Who cares about The Lakers.......um, I guess us.
Have you ever seen the way Rick McCrank eats tacos? Very interesting. He tried to blame it on the fact that there is not much Mexican food in Canada but I've seen Rick Howard eat tacos and I've seen Tony Ferguson eat tacos and it looked like they knew what they were doing. There's another thing I found out about McCrank but just to show everyone that I know when to say when with the information on The Tap, leaving out the monkey tattoo story.
Harsh Hair Update: Eric got a sort of Barry Gibb feathering for the premier and Mikey got a haircut but it was hard to tell what it looked like with a girls hand constantly running through it. His hair did smell good when he knocked me down.
Today's Honourary Crail Canadian is Rick McCrank. Rick eats tacos weird, likes to pretend he has an Escalade when he is in LA and isn't afraid to high five a waiter. Welcome Back Crankers!
Where's that lazy sack of crap, Ty Evans? All that guy ever does is just kick back and relax. Come on, Ty, let's get that Chocolate video in the works. Pronto.
Brandon Biebel would like anyone that mistakenly thought he was wearing Laker colors last night to know that he was wearing the colors of the Minnesota Vikings. He's backing Minnesota because The Lakers play them in the first round.
Lakers are going to be playing the Timberwolves in the first round of the Western Conference Playoffs. Houston plays... I guess street ball with their buddies for the next few months.
I got some odd cryptic message last night but I think Clipper girls like guys that spin. I wonder if the close ups of the Clipper girls are as surprising as the close ups of the Laker girls.
No Honourary Crail Canadian today, actually today there is an Honourary Canadian Asshole. He probably should have been honoured long ago but last night when he played three minutes of an Eminem song on to my voice mail, I realized this honour was long over due. Welcome to The Tap, Bob K. And remember when I burnt your harmonica and Von Zippers in the fire pit at Pismo? That was funny.
Harsh Hair Update: Mikey got the Tony Orlando afro under control and Chick got more poop cut off his but hairs.
The Metz is over at DVS right now. I love The Metz. I really do. Sorry.
I can't think what I want to do tonight... hmmm... maybe just rent a movie.
The Lakers beat the Nuggets last night by about 10,000 points.
The Lakers play the Nuggets tonight at Staples Center. If they put in those chair warmers and a pair of purple and gold mittens at each seat, I'm still not going. I'm like every other LA fan, pretty fair weathered and lame.
Today's Honourary Crail Canadian is Captain Canuck. Basically, Canadian Superman. Welcome to The Tap, Copy Cat... I mean Captain Canuck.
The Gav cut short a meeting we were just in as he had an 11:00 tee-time with the good folks over at Active. That's all, that's the whole story. Pretty interesting, the stuff that goes on around here.
Harsh Hair Update: Bob K let a guy that didn't spin cut his hair so as Bob put it, "I basically let Larson cut my hair". The guy left a big chunk over Bob's right ear and it looks all weird and now the gold digger that Lori D and Megan found to be his date for the Yeah Right premier is all bummed. She thought Bob K was loaded and would go to a fancy hair dresser that wouldn't screw up his look. There's a lesson here, I just have no idea what it is.
Bird ran out of people to argue with in our circle of friends so he started a battle with a guy that was bidding against him on a table on ebay. Bird is so determined.
It's on your butt! It's on your butt!
Not going to get too cocky in this column today, Lakers have slipped back to 8th so I'll just keep it mellow until things are looking up. The Rockets are in 9th or 10th which means their season is over in about... let me check my watch... oh, it's over now.
Today's Honourary Crail Canadian is KD Lang. The only reason I'm giving her the honour is that she probably also spins and we kill two birds with one stone. Not that we would ever kill a bird. I mean, Eric Anthony might try to kill a bird with a water bottle (he's from Yucca) but no one else here would kill a bird. Someone here might use a taser gun on a cat... Jenkins? Anyway, welcome to The Tap, KD.
McCrank was trying to act like he was too cool to fly down for the premier so we waited until he fel asleep last night and we had a hypnotist perform hypnosis on him. He woke up this morning, crying and begging to come down for the show. We always win, right Ricky?
Harsh Hair Update: Bob K's fashion do is growing into a fashion don't. Not a good thing when you're trying to score a gold digger for the premier.
Have you ever tried that one trick snowboarding where you go down 90% of the mountain on your back? I think it's called a "Harsh 90". They look pretty cool and everyone stops and stares when you do one. Pretty cool.
A lot of you have been asking about Marc J's Ford Focus. I thought he had "Afternoon Delight" air brushed on the side of it but I was wrong. He actually got "Emotional Breeze" air brushed on it. Cutting edge, simply cutting edge.
Rick hasn't talked any shit on Mike, nothing other then calling him "Heel Boy" which isn't that big of a deal but Mikey called Rick "Sensitive Cory" so I think it's on again. Seriously, neither of you need to call me to confirm any of this, it's totally true.