Lakers are going to be playing the Timberwolves in the first round of the Western Conference Playoffs. Houston plays... I guess street ball with their buddies for the next few months.
I got some odd cryptic message last night but I think Clipper girls like guys that spin. I wonder if the close ups of the Clipper girls are as surprising as the close ups of the Laker girls.
No Honourary Crail Canadian today, actually today there is an Honourary Canadian Asshole. He probably should have been honoured long ago but last night when he played three minutes of an Eminem song on to my voice mail, I realized this honour was long over due. Welcome to The Tap, Bob K. And remember when I burnt your harmonica and Von Zippers in the fire pit at Pismo? That was funny.
Harsh Hair Update: Mikey got the Tony Orlando afro under control and Chick got more poop cut off his but hairs.
The Metz is over at DVS right now. I love The Metz. I really do. Sorry.
I can't think what I want to do tonight... hmmm... maybe just rent a movie.
The Lakers beat the Nuggets last night by about 10,000 points.
The Lakers play the Nuggets tonight at Staples Center. If they put in those chair warmers and a pair of purple and gold mittens at each seat, I'm still not going. I'm like every other LA fan, pretty fair weathered and lame.
Today's Honourary Crail Canadian is Captain Canuck. Basically, Canadian Superman. Welcome to The Tap, Copy Cat... I mean Captain Canuck.
The Gav cut short a meeting we were just in as he had an 11:00 tee-time with the good folks over at Active. That's all, that's the whole story. Pretty interesting, the stuff that goes on around here.
Harsh Hair Update: Bob K let a guy that didn't spin cut his hair so as Bob put it, "I basically let Larson cut my hair". The guy left a big chunk over Bob's right ear and it looks all weird and now the gold digger that Lori D and Megan found to be his date for the Yeah Right premier is all bummed. She thought Bob K was loaded and would go to a fancy hair dresser that wouldn't screw up his look. There's a lesson here, I just have no idea what it is.
Bird ran out of people to argue with in our circle of friends so he started a battle with a guy that was bidding against him on a table on ebay. Bird is so determined.
It's on your butt! It's on your butt!
Not going to get too cocky in this column today, Lakers have slipped back to 8th so I'll just keep it mellow until things are looking up. The Rockets are in 9th or 10th which means their season is over in about... let me check my watch... oh, it's over now.
Today's Honourary Crail Canadian is KD Lang. The only reason I'm giving her the honour is that she probably also spins and we kill two birds with one stone. Not that we would ever kill a bird. I mean, Eric Anthony might try to kill a bird with a water bottle (he's from Yucca) but no one else here would kill a bird. Someone here might use a taser gun on a cat... Jenkins? Anyway, welcome to The Tap, KD.
McCrank was trying to act like he was too cool to fly down for the premier so we waited until he fel asleep last night and we had a hypnotist perform hypnosis on him. He woke up this morning, crying and begging to come down for the show. We always win, right Ricky?
Harsh Hair Update: Bob K's fashion do is growing into a fashion don't. Not a good thing when you're trying to score a gold digger for the premier.
Have you ever tried that one trick snowboarding where you go down 90% of the mountain on your back? I think it's called a "Harsh 90". They look pretty cool and everyone stops and stares when you do one. Pretty cool.
A lot of you have been asking about Marc J's Ford Focus. I thought he had "Afternoon Delight" air brushed on the side of it but I was wrong. He actually got "Emotional Breeze" air brushed on it. Cutting edge, simply cutting edge.
Rick hasn't talked any shit on Mike, nothing other then calling him "Heel Boy" which isn't that big of a deal but Mikey called Rick "Sensitive Cory" so I think it's on again. Seriously, neither of you need to call me to confirm any of this, it's totally true.
Go Web! Go Web! Go
Web! Zip it, section 106. Web isn't going anywhere except on a vacation
earlier then he thought, as usual. And Pollard... spin much?
Would you buy sox if they were called "SOCKTASTIC"? I thought so.
Harsh Hair Update: Eric Anthony is rocking what he likes to call, "Andy and I do patty cake while we listen to Bikini Kill" and Mikey is sticking with the Tony Orlando poof do for the premier.
Just a shout out to people that call The Gav to chit chat. Look, you don't get "THE" put in front of your name for nothing. The guy is managing the marketing for a major corporation as well as managing his life. Let's see any of you do that.
Today's Honourary Crail Canadian is Brian Adams. Brian has really deep acne scars and likes to wear his jeans so tight you can read the date on the coins in his pocket. He also likes to release love songs that make you remember getting dumped when you were in high school. Welcome to The Tap, Bri Bri.
Do you think it will be weird for Rick and Mike to try and explain to their kids, when they have them, why they have pictures of the two of them traveling together for about 13 years straight with hardly ever a girl in the photos? Pictures of them running on beaches and giggling in cars? No, not so weird?
Three words: JAMES DAVID HERBERT.
Tonight The Lakers play the little kittens... I mean The Mavericks. If it was a "long flowing hair" competition, they could take us but it's basketball so we're fine. I hope Horry finally understands that there is nothing special about a no-look pass when no one catches the ball. He seems to experience some confusion on that play. I tried to trick our insurance agent into giving us his tickets for tonight by telling him the good game is on Thursday. I guess he's not as dumb as he looks. Hopefully he doesn't read this column so he won't know I think he looks dumb. But if he does I wonder if he will raise out rates. Seems like I should just edit this out, right? Weird.
The Rick and Mike thing is pretty much straightened out. I guess if Mike doesn't care that Rick thinks he's a total baby, then they really have no beef. But if Mike does care that Rick thinks that, then he should just tell RIck that he also thinks Rick is too sensitive about things. They should really tell each other so I don't have to cloud up my column with this nonsense.
Spinners get second chances and sometimes a little sympathetic make out.
Harsh Hair Update:
Mikey is trying to pick a style for the premier, Bob K still rocking
a lot of hair product, Rick went back to the Blockhead cut and Chick
had a little chunk of poop stuck in his fur that had to be removed with
Today's Honourary Crail Canadian is the band Sloan. Couldn't really tell you much about them. I stopped my research as soon as they were compared to The Beatles. I think if you release a song titled "Snowsuit Sound" you have nothing in common with The Beatles except for the fact that you are a mammal. Welcome to The Tap, I guess.
If I lived in Phoenix, I'd move to the other side of Havasu just so I could be a Laker fan. And then you could also go to the river and see girls go wild. LA beat Phoenix last night but not without a good fight by the Suns. Lakers are about to move into the 5th spot and Houston is still holding steady in that 10th spot. Bottoms up, Bird.
Today's Honourary Crail Canadian is the guy that came up with Teriyaki potato chips. I'm not sure if he is even Canadian but he must know something about Canada because he knew who to market those chips to. Welcome to The Tap, whoever you are.
Sorry for writing the shit that Rick and Mike said about each other in my column. They both got really pissed. Don't talk shit and I won't have to put it in my column, chumps!
Thanks for all the spinning support. One spinner from Northern California wrote to send his support to the other spinner that got so dissed. Imagine asking someone on a date and they practically make you sign a contract that you will stay away from them until the end of time? That would break any normal person's heart as well as kill all their self esteem. Spinner or not, that's a sting on the ego.
Bob K is doing some sort of French Tae Kwon Do out on the lawn.
Steve Nash looks so cute when his hair is all wet and he keeps licking his finger tips. He looks like a little kitten that needs a bath. He looks like he wishes he was home with a ball of yarn and not getting technical fouls in his own stadium. Dallas sucks.
Harsh Hair Update: Lee Smith is rocking a nicely shaped afro that rivals anything we've seen in a long time and the only other hair news is a weird phone call from a couple of spinners hating on the hair style Megan wanted.
Guess where Bob K is? He's out back having a BBQ with some fresh fish he had flown in from Biarritz. He first marinated the fish in a light lemon sauce that is a recipe he traced back to Chartres. Don't get any butter on your beret, Bobby.
Mikey thinks Rick is being a little bitch and Rick is over Mikey. Don't tell them, they both said that behind each others back.
Ty isn't answering his phone. He's skeered.
Jenkins is competing in a motocross race tomorrow. We're extreme, OK? That's what we have been trying to tell you and you didn't believe us. We are so X-treme it is tiring. Between taking the high road and being X-treme, I can't believe we can get any work done.
The Lakers will play the Mavericks tonight in Dallas. I wish they had regular "Frankenstein look-a-like contests" at the Mavericks games. Mark Cuban could bring in an extra billion each season in winnings. The only other Laker news is that a higher up in the Girl organization put a life time ban on Bird from the Girl seats after a concerned Tap fan wrote in to complain. It is quite a stretch to put a Laker hater in the seats but we made an exception and we apologize. If you see someone in all black on a stationary bike next to Megan at the game, just try and ignore it.
A lot of you were
writing in to tell Megan how honorable she was for continuing the friendship
with The Gav after the theft of the chair. And kids, this was not just
any chair. It was a comfortable collectors piece from the 50's that
many people like to relax in.
Today's Honourary Crail Canadian is the band April Wine. Yep, April Wine. Mostly we are honouring them because it is April and we love wine. The band was formed by a group of Canadians in a suburb of Nova Scotia called Waverly. They also played under the names: Woody's Termites and East Gate Sanctuary. Other then a knack for coming up with great band names, they could really rock. I mean really rock. Welcome to The Tap, dudes.
Where's Bob K you ask? Well, he's snuggled up eating some french bread and reading Fables. What is Fables you ask? It is a book of poems published in the 1600's by the French poet, Jean De La Fontaine. Thanks for asking.
Spinners are sometimes unappreciative of the love and support lent to them by their peers. They can also be very defensive.
Another toughy... would you rather be a Summer Tanager or a Great Kiskadee? I'll make this one easy. Kiskadee's can catch lizards and fish. Tanager's couldn't catch a cold.
The Rick's a Dick/Mike's a Dick t-shirts didn't last long. Nice to see people looking to represent.
Ty mentioned Ako again today. Not to us but he mentioned him.
Lakers had the night off last night. It would seem only proper that the league give them a day to recover after the brutal battle a team faces when competing against the Grizzlies. I heard it has been compared to climbing Everest with a backpack full of rocks while Siberian tigers attack your feet. I can't remember who told me that.
Today's Honourary (not an incorrect spelling if you're Canadian) Crail Canadian is the well known author, WP Kinsella. He was born William Patrick Kinsella in Edmonton, Alberta. He was educated, unlike us, at the University of Victoria and went on to become a professor himself at the University of Calgary. His most famous work is his novel, Shoeless Joe, which was made into the famous movie, Field of Dreams in 1989. Welcome to The Tap, WP. You're smart.
Today for breakfast Bob K had croissants imported from La Rochelle topped with a rare jam imported from Bordeaux. This was accompanied by a light tea imported from a small farm that lays just beside the English Channel and Bob mixed in a pinch of sugar from a farm in Toulouse. Bonjour Bobby.
Spinners can get their hearts broken, too. Spinners have feelings and emotions just like you and I. They text message each other, ask people on dates and even get denied. Sometimes not even just turned down on the proposal of a date but also told that nothing on God's green earth would sway the person to ever date them. Spinners cry, they laugh, they march in parades for fair and equal treatment. Spinners are human.
Would you rather be a Common Turtle Dove or an Owl Parrot? Before you make a hasty decision, keep a few things in mind. An Owl Parrot lives in Forest areas mostly in New Zealand and the islands of Chatham and Stewart where as the Common Turtle Dove lives in Europe, western Asia and Africa. The Owl Parrot is endangered with only about 100 still living. Might want to go with The Owl Parrot. You get in all the good bird clubs because you're all rare and stuff. AND if you're a Common Turtle Dove you have to survive those heated African summers without any A/C.
Did you know The Gav stole a chair from Megan one time? He did. That's how resilient their friendship is. Megan knows that The Gav wanted the chair so bad that she just let that little incident go. Some friends would have pressed charges and cancelled the friendship. Always taking the high road. Always. I'm exhausted from taking the high road.
Ty is so on schedule with the YEAH RIGHT video that he tried to get me to move the premier date up. He also mentioned something about Ako. (I just put that to make Ako nervous). He didn't mention Atiba but he did mention Virgin records. He also didn't mention Mike Carroll.
The Lakers swept past the Grizzlies last night. That must have been super hard to do. Boy, I sure wish I was there.
Not that I expect anyone that reads this column to remember my dreams, but I have a habit of being such a loser when I dream. Last night in my dream I started my own catering company and then got hired to be the in house chef at Miriah Carries house. I then helped re-do her kitchen. Looks like we got a winner here.
The Gav thought he had tennis elbow but it turns out it's just a little blood infection. Nothing to lose sleep over, just a BLOOD INFECTION. Say a prayer for Timmy, please.
Some of you have asked me what sort of music do people spin to? Well, we did some research and I guess it's all the best music out there. Linkin Park, Offspring, Sum 41. I didn't think I wanted to spin but if that is what's on the sound track for the spinning experience.....count me in!
Andy Jenkins nominated Bob K and Megan the two biggest assholes he knows. That's two nominations in one month for Bob.
Mikey has switched from asking me if "this looks weird" to "does this seem right?". It's so nice to see him evolve, really a rewarding experience.
The Lakers play Memphis tonight which means unless they are going to come to my house, pick me up in a limo with appetizers and wine and a Missy Elliot CD in the disc player, I'm not going.
Migraines are in right now. If you get one, just go with it. They're like trucker caps only they sort of hurt your head more.
The Gav went on a fishing trip this weekend. He didn't catch anything but a shot of a spinner hitting his chin on a rock while using his cell phone. When Timmy wants to be at one with nature, look out.
Speaking of spinning, did you know you can down load the "One Life to Live" theme song on to your cell phone? Neither did we but it's all true.
Rick was sort of bummed that no one got the memo to get Tito a helicopter ride to the YEAH RIGHT premier. It's all set up and I guess Tito is going to bungy jump from the helicopter into the premier. If it is costly, Rick and Spike want it in the video. And if it is too late to get it in the video, well then get it in the premier.
The Lakers managed
to not feel obligated to let Michael Jordan win at his last game ever
at the Staples Center and in front of Phil Jackson. Kobe set a record
for the most points scored by a Laker in one half of a game. Bird feels
like every time he goes to a game and sits in the Girl seats, someone
sets a record. Bird is also from Texas so if you handle this as a mathematical
equation it = 0! Nice try, Kel.
Jenkins never talked shit on Gav's tats and Larson never said anything about The Gav's rims. And if they did, it was only because they were jealous. The Gav's rims are actually pretty sweet, not sure if he's rollin' on dub-2's but he does roll deep. What?
Harsh Hair Update: Bob K is using product and saying he is not, Rick Howard is not using product and saying he is, Mikey is rocking the Mac Davis love perm circa 71 and Chick got all the hair around his butt trimmed...by a professional. But not Ruby because she doesn't trim dogs butts. That would be hot if she did, though. She would go straight from touching a dogs butt to highlighting the hair of people that spin.
We're trying to get a read on how much Brad and Brian, in SF, are trying to get Rick to go back home to LA. He lost his cell phone so he has been using Brad and Brian's phones as if they were his secretary and then of course there is the bowel problem.
I wonder if The Tap ever jeopardizes The Mez' job......
Did you hear about Tito? He's pissed. But Tito being pissed off is like McCrank being pissed off. He'll figure out some special way to channel it and turn it into a great spiritual experience for himself. Why do people have to be so positive? I mean, good for them. Glass all half full and stuff.
Harsh cigarette update: Bob K and Lardog, puffing away.
Ever have a migraine for 8 straight hours? Holy Mary, mother of God! I was on medical websites trying to figure out if I had a brain tumor. I'm not in any pain now so if I do have a tumor, bummer for me. On a side note, in addition to a possible tumor, I just thought someone was breaking in my house and almost had a heart attack. It was just the wind. But not the wind beneath my wings, the wind outside of my house. Things seem to be going really well this week.
Lakers showed Houston who was boss. If Houston had won, Bird would have been tripping over things trying to call me to give me crap. But I am not like Bird. I called Bird to let him know that Houston played pretty well and at times I thought they might have won. Big deal, so I lied to the guy, at least I made him feel good. He was having a vanilla ice cream cone when I called him and I think the combination of the ice cream treat and my well wishes made Bird's day. I'm always making someone's day, hard work.
I guess The Gav is over The Tap. I think someone mught have told Tim that Rick said his head looked like it had grown to the size of one of those floats in The Macy's Thanksgiving parade. That sucks. Or maybe someone told him that Andy Jenkins made fun of Tim's tats. Or maybe he heard that Larson said his rims were weak. I guess we'll just have to wonder. Even though his over us, we aren't going to ban him. Nope, we're taking the high road, as usual.
We have reinstated Pete Kronbauer as an honourary Crail Canadian. After some meetings with the Crail Board of Directors, most people felt like lots of the past honouries had some flaws. I mean we let Peter Sullivan carry the honour and he used to drive a mini truck. And Rick McCrank was honoured and he's straight edge so we can't punish Pete Kronbauer just because he fired his own son. I mean, think about how many times we wanted to fire him. So, welcome back to The Tap, Mr Kronbauer.
Guess who spins? No, really, guess.
We'll keep you posted but so far the only thing Rick has not requested someone "look into" for the YEAH RIGHT premier is a helicopter for Tito. Everything else, pretty much in the works.
Lakers are on a roll. Speaking of rolls, how great would the Staples Center be if they served sandwiches on warm french rolls? Wait, they do! Cool, I'm going back to the games again. I was going to invite this old friend I used to have because I need someone to go see Michael Jordan for the last time at Staples Center but he got all into spinning and now we're not friends anymore. Oh well, I'll find someone to go with.
Harsh Hair Update: Jenkins Sr and Jenkins Jr came back to the Girl plant yesterday with brand new hair do's. Jenkins Sr went with a crew cut and Jr got the "i'm way cuter then most kids you know" cut. Brad Staba also got a new haircut that he will be debuting all summer long.
Honourary Crail Canadian revoke! Pete Kronbauer was named as the Honoury a few days back but that was before we found out he fired his own son one time! You can't do that! For the love of god, Pete, he has feelings just like you. Oh wait, maybe that's the problem. We may reinstate Pete if we can gather more information but for now, banned from The Tap.
Last night while Bob K had a burrito and a Bud Light for dinner, Lardog had a nice young lady make dinner for him. Oh, and they both smoke cigarettes again.
Mike Carroll has been up front trying to figure out how to take care of a fix it ticket for the tint on the windows of his car for the last two hours. So far he has consulted with Greg, Megan and Chuck. Too bad Rick went to SF, Mike could really use his ticket expertise right now.
Did you know Diamond Nick and Mikey don't hang out anymore? Do you care?
Oh, so Rick went to SF to stay with Brad and Brian. Hope they have a good plumbing system. The guy moves his bowels about every other hour.
This would be amazing: A keg next to each seat at Staples Center! Right?
Today's Honourary Crail Canadian is Celine Dion. NOT!
The Lakers are losing like it's going out of style but losing isn't going out of style or why would people still spin? I forgot something on my list of things that would make me more of a Laker fan: individual hand warmers on the back of each seat! Wouldn't that be awesome? You could keep your hands warm while you watch the game! I guess they would have to be sort of spacious so you can clap while your hands are getting warm, right? But how do you flip the Trail Blazers off when they come to Staples if your hands are in the hand warmer? Hmm...maybe no hand warmers.
Harsh Hair Update: Bob K feels like he's "having a good hair day", Jenkins is sort of rocking a Peter Fonda style and Chick is getting a shampoo and blow dry at 5:00.
Cabo Wabo wasn't hiring so Megan is back and now trying to get Greg Carroll to fire her. So far she has stolen three sets of wheels, had some drinks at lunch and called two of the owners pricks. Still, no walking papers. Might have to turn it up a notch.
Spike got robbed again at another award show. Can't a guy get a break?
Today's Honourary Crail Canadian is Pete Kronbauer. Pete was born into a military family and moved around the country a lot. As a young man, Pete spent time on Vancouver Island working as an apprentice electrician. He moved to Vernon, BC with his lovely wife Linda and raised two little darlings, Bob and Melanie. Pete owns a successful company called PETE KRONBAUER ELECTRIC that he started in 1980 and still runs to this day. Pete was also wearing mesh caps before they were cool and seeing that they are almost not cool anymore, Pete can break them out. Welcome to The Tap, Pete.
The Gav's boat party is cancelled. Too many people in AZ found out about it. The alternative activity for everyone that can not get into the YEAH RIGHT after party is now the LARSON BUTT BENEFIT. All proceeds will go to helping Lardog clear up all those problems he's having with his butt. We'll keep you posted but so far it is being sponsored by OCX and there is live music and sugar cookies.
Some of the curse words you hear when Rick, Mueller and Sam play ping pong: SHIT, FUCK, BITCH.
"Don't you hate them victory phone calls I know I feel you man that sucks shit when you guys are callin' me man...." Lakers lost, Kings won. Biebel is in charge! Pollard spins.
Lakers have a big game tonight. It's not a home game. That's all the Laker news you get today because of all the hate mail you sent. Kooks.
When Rick had that Aha song on the ringer of his cell phone, some of us had to stop and wonder if he might be into spinning. But someone came by the Girl Facility today and when their phone rang, THE BATMAN THEME! I guess the Liberace theme song isn't downloadable.
Bombs are not funny.
Harsh Hair Update:
Larson came into work today with a shaved head. He said he was doing
it in support of the troops. I think he does support the troops and
he also supports peace but the guy had crabs and butt lice and rabies
and all kinds of infection. You know that guys doctor told him the only
way to slow the spread of the fungus on his body was to shave. I mean,
it's possible, right?
Why do the women news anchors look like someone had a spray gun filled with creamy brown Cover Girl make up and they stood on the other side of the room and sprayed three coats of it on their face? I'm not sure what this has to do with skateboarding.
In a rare move that may be the beginning of a corporate take over, Mikey may have found a Vodka sponsor for the YEAH RIGHT after party. Spike and his list of people he needs to get in should be stoked. I wonder if The Gav will have anything cool like that at his party....
Did you hear about The Metz and DVS? That's right!
I guess a lot of you have been freaking out wondering what was going to happen with OCX...well it's all cool. Jenkins ran into a little trademark problem with some flame artwork that he did but everything is back on track. There will be no spinning team on OCX.
Lakers had the night off last night so I had plenty of time to think about the things that would make the Staples Center more appealing for me. I wish they had waitresses that would bring the beer right to your seat. I wish they had hot chocolate with tons of whip cream on the top. I wish they had black licorice barrels, the kind that you can only find in Canada and last but not least, I wish they had special little tiny side seats to bring small dogs to the game with you. Oh, and I wish they had tiny little purple and gold sweaters for small dogs. So, maybe I spin.
Did you know that after Spike gets his entourage in the YEAH RIGHT after party there will be about three extra passes? Looks like a bunch of us will be on that Tim Gavin boat party. It's cool, with The Gav's marketing skills, he'll have people thinking the boat party is the place to be.
Smyth did some magic with the snack machine! We have Snickers back in stock and the chips are now the "Grab Bag" size. Also known as "Fat Americans hate small portions" size.
Ty Is still editing, still sober (YEAH RIGHT) and still not having any mood swings. He doesn't have mood swings, remember?
In a recent survey, 92% of all people that spin also own pink lycra biking shorts. Awesome.
My neighbor that quit smoking last month started back up. He works at a machine shop and he has been really edgy from not smoking. I guess one of the other machinists told him he was not working fast enough and he hit him with a wrench. So now he is on unemployment and he smokes. Just in case Bob K loses his temper, we moved all the wrenches out of the building.
TIme to go, I'm going to watch a french movie while I eat some yoplait and sip some perrier.
The Lakers beat The
Clippers last night. Shocking. I got a lot of e-mail regarding my attitude
about being a Laker fan and the things that I mentioned that would make
me more of a fan. Most of the e-mails were telling me that I am not
a real fan. Guess what?
Looks like a lot of people that thought they were going to attend the YEAH RIGHT premier now have an open calender for that evening. Spike showed up with his invite list which looked like a small paperback book. Stay tuned for The Gav's Alternative Activity for April 17th Boat Party. At least that will have live music.
Harsh Hair Update: Bob K got french braids and they look awesome with his brand new beret and Chick did not get a brazilian wax.
We're building a spinning community! If you have a favorite place you spin and would like to reach out to other spinners, send The Tap your favorite spinning location and we'll post it. The more spinners that unite, the less hate in the world.
There's a European Chocolate Tour on the horizon. We'll keep you posted. As we always do.
The Lakers are playing the Clippers right now which means two things. #1: Ako, Atiba, Hime and Eric don't know what colors to sport at the game and #2: there's a good chance Mikey is at Staples Center. I haven't been a very good Laker fan lately. Things like the temperature in Staples, traffic, the line at the pasta bar, being tired and crappy tasting wine all make me not want to go. Either I'm a really crappy Lakers fan or a totally lame snob. Maybe both. And the weird thing: I don't really care.
Harsh Hair Update: Sprout got some blind highlights, Megan got an inch cut off the back and people that spin got a little dark rinse put in all at the hands of Ruby. Oh, and Ruby has nothing to do with this but Chick's butt hair is coming back in.
Looks like Beetle Juice can scare the crap out of a few guys that are all over 6 feet tall. At a recent Wahoos lunch, Bird, Rick, Welsh, Ty, Smyth (not over 6 feet tall) and Joey had a small man that appeared to be on PCP jump up on their table and no one kicked his ass. In fact, no one moved. When asked why everyone stayed so calm, Rick replied, "they guy had a fuckin' Winnie The Pooh backpack on". Maybe Winnie The Pooh represents something a little different in Canada. In the states, he's just a Disney charactor, a fluffy little bear all stuffed with fluff.....
Having trouble finding the proper footwear to spin in? Try ballet slippers, or as they're known on the spinning circuit : toe shoes.
Bob K, a guy that spins and my neighbor all quit smoking. Bob K said it sucks and it [quitting smoking] is the reason he got sick, some guy that spins said it has really helped his stamina and my neighbor said he punched a hole in two of his walls. Looks like people who spin, win!
Mike Carroll is working on the waiting room music for the premier, Rick Howard working on "special exclusive super cool down with the crew, chillin' with the posse, hardly anyone can get in" after party and Spike Jonze working on "just one last little thing" for the video.
Megan is going to Cabo this weekend which means in the event that the airlines close down and she can not get back in the country due to the pending war, she can be reached at her new job as a cocktail waitress at Cabo Wabo. Bob K already knows if Sammy Hagar calls for a reference to say the following: "Total people person".
That's all for now, gotta go, I'm cravin crepes and French mustard. Later...
I can't manage to
write this colum today. I mean it's supposed to be a good day. But war
looms and I can't help but wonder about aggression and dispute and making
room for differences.
Lakers beat the T-wolves in what turned out to be "Possible MVP verses Possible MVP". The Rockets....not quite in the playoffs.
We're not posting much of a column today. Just an olive branch to Tito. I thought Tito knew there was nothing but love for him on The Tap. When Tito took a jab at RING in his column, we were honored. In fact, that was the night the staff at RING all got hammered and got Crystal tats on our hips. But Tito is a sensitive dude and that is why RING, other then a little Laker update, spends this column reaching out to Tito.
Tito, you have given
us cigarettes, champagne and caviar. What we referred to as THE THREE
C'S. If you don't know The RING loves you, then we aren't doing our
Let us know if you want to put the battle in the past and move on. April 17th approaches and we'll bring the smokes this time.
Ever hear the joke about why TITO rhymes with BURRITO? Well, you will soon.
We're going to keep todays column short in honor of Tito. Normally it is long and boring and rambling...oh wait, that's the Shampoo lounge I'm thinking of. But today's column is brief.
Todays Honourary Crail Canadian is Sean Miller. Sean is the purchasing manager at Centre Distribution in Canada. Sean would never hang out with Tito. Sean is a nice young man. There is a lot to know about Sean but we don't want to piss Tito off. So, welcome to The Tap, Sean.
Harsh Hair Update: Someone at Podium dyed their hair, not saying names. And Chick got his butt shaved. HIS BUTT SHAVED.
Lakers lost last night, TITO!
Today's Honourary Crail Canadian is Guglielmo Marconi. What he has done is not why we honour him. Take a look at that name! GUGLIELMO? That's what we call Tim behind his back and we thought we made it up. Canadians know him as the man that invented the wireless telegraph. After his ground breaking invention, Guglielmo started his own company, Marconi Wireless Telegraph. I guess he had some beef with Alexander Graham Bell. Might of just been Alex being a jealous little bitch. Guglielmo built wireless transmitters for the Navy in Britain, Germany Italy and France. Welcome to The Tap, Gugli!
Rick and Mike, in an effort to never spend more then 24 hours away from each other, are going to SF this weekend. Rick is packing medicine for diarrhea (over the counter, totally legal) and Mike is packing some weird sort of q-tip that you stick up your nose if you have a cold (again, over the counter, totally legal).
Want to win two free tickets to the Girl YEAH RIGHT premier? Stay tuned for "The Spike, Ty and Rick Biggie Sized Budget Video Contest". Details coming soon.
Spin to Win. Send The Tap a photo of you or your friends having a spinning party and we'll send you a grab bag of prizes. (Fourstar reps that spin are not elgible).
Chico is in Florida but we are not sure if he has the all white love suit with him. We'll keep you posted once we hear back.
After the comments
we posted the other day regarding Larson and his fathers perm, it turns
out PaPa Larson isn't the only member of that family to have sported
I guess Tito mentioned that we talk about basketball over here in this regularly updated column. Well, not today, Tito.
So The Tap was going
to have it's first annual St Patricks Day party but the owner of the
bar that we wanted to celebrate at told us we would "interfere with
his regular clients". OK, whatever. I was faced with a problem that
needed to be solved quickly. I thought just move it to another bar.
But since we're a democracy over here, I decided to ask Bob K. Following
is Bob K's idea and more importantly a clear explanation of why Bob
K will never be in management.
Today's Honourary Crail Canadian is Kim Cattrall. She was born in Liverpool England and then moved with her parents to Canada when she was 3 months old. Her real name is Claire Woodgate. At age 11 she returned to England to study at the London Academy of Music and Dramatic Arts. She later returned to Vancouver to perform in stage productions or plays as we like to call them. Kim or Claire became well known for her breath taking performance in Star Trek 6, The Undiscovered Country. She is most well known for her role in the HBO series, Sex in The City. Welcome to The Tap, Kim and Claire.
Did you know that most spinners live 10 years longer the average non-spinner? It's true.
In an unprecedented move, Rick and Spike have come up with a way to spend more money on the making of Yeah Right. There is no "I" in budget.
The Lakers have the night off. They have the day off, too. And the morning.
This past weekend
proved to be a wonderful learning experience for Rick, Mike and an innocent
In an unrelated learning experience, Bird learned that Italian Art Glass is not cheap, hollowed out trees turned into lamps are beyond his comprehension and if you don't get to the swap meet early enough you miss out on the head piece of a giant rabbit suit.
Did you know spinners are just like you and me? They worry about the price of gas, the economy, they have pets and a lot of the time they like rainbows.
Harsh Hair Update: Bob K got a $20 haircut that looks like he paid $100 for and Ruby helped Bird realize that he was starting to look like someone that might be on the bench for Sacto. Now they both are so hot right now.
All weekend I had that Destiny's Child song, "Say My Name" stuck in my head. It was really lame. So I went to sleep and I had a dream that I was on a cruise (why am I such a loser when I dream?) and we were going from Mozambique to Madagascar and when I walked around the boat to see what was happening, I went into a sort of night club and guess what song was playing over about 600 speakers?
In skate news....hmmm... .
Lakers showed the sixers what it truly feels like to be a team in the east, sad. This is usually the time of the season that The Lakers get their act together. Comforting, yet as a season seat holder, wouldn't hurt to not have to suffer through more then half a season in a complete depression. Bird was back in the season seats which brings us back to our old superstition: Doesn't hurt to have a hater in one of the seats.
What about "ground breaking journalism" and "reliable sources"? Not on The Tap, we keep it real. Lies, little substance and family, that's how we're living.
Today's Honorary Crail Canadian is the punk pop all girl band, Tuuli. "There sound is more like The Gogo's or The Donna's then Avril Lavigne" whatever that means. Their hit single, "It's Over" is in full rotation on Much Music (Canadain MTV) and they have already toured the US three times. That's why you've heard so much about them. I mean I hear about them so much that I was nervous that The Tap would seem too mainstream if we honored them. So, Dawn, Jenny, Claire and Jen, welcome to The Tap.
We were going to adopt a Romanian orphan but then we realized we already did.
Bob K was front and center at a war protest this weekend. Don't tell the Prime Minister of that one country that lies just north of the US. Bob will be back in Winnepeg before he can say, "CHIMO".
A good trademark attorney goes a long way, looks like we will be able to switch The Gav to The Goof. He made the physical and spiritual change already so it looks like he's just waiting on us.
Spinning is fun for couples. Grab your life partner and be a part of the fun.
Big Game Bob was at the game last night. I guess Vlade was right about those Horry shots, pure luck. My favorite part of the game was the gang of Pacer fan genius' that posted up about 5 rows ahead of us. The game kept there attention until just after the introduction of Reggie Miller and then they were consumed by the Staples atmosphere. You can't really blame them, it's hard to watch a basketball game when Miriah Carey is 20 feet away from you in a Juicy sweatsuit.
Crail Canadian is the famous artist Lawren Harris. Lawren was born in
Ontario in 1885 and went on to form the Massey Harris Farm Machinery
Company. That company brought in big dollars so he was allowed the freedom
to pursue his art without worrying about money. He married another artist,
The Gav is fucked. You remember the little hot dog cart incident, right? Well, word on the street is that hot dog vendors all over LA are looking for a guy that "looks part Indian and part Hawaiian and drives a truck that sounds like a 747 is landing". Bummer.
Day two and Ty is totally willing to be tested for any Bud Light in his system.
I got an e-mail from someone named Brian that asked me if I thought people liked Mike Carroll as much as we do. First off, let's hope that e-mail wasn't from Brian Anderson.. That would suck for Mikey. But of course you like him as much as we do. You like him more. Next time I have to answer a question for you, I am going to have to send an invoice.
Harsh Hair Update: Bob K wants a designer mullet (so last week) but to avoid him the humiliation and alienation of his peers, I talked him out of it. He is going to wash his hair tonight. Bob is sticking to his story that he does not put product in his hair. Sure Bob.
Lardog went to a homeopathic doctor about the butt infection. They prescribed chocolate covered gummy bears and he said, "Just in the last hour alone, my butt isn't burning like a bed of coals". Good stuff.
Forget the Lakers, Forget special Canadians, Forget The Gav. The Mez has won Ty over to the sobriety bus headed for boredom. God bless you, Ty. Mez, watch your back.
Lakers had another night off. Lazy pricks. NOT!
Things Ty doesn't
care about and doesn't care if you care that he doesn't care about them:
Today's Honourary (note the new spelling) Crail Canadian is Douglas Coupland. He wrote the very famous book, Generation X and is a good friend of Spike's so we have to edit the thing we were going to write about him being sort of uncool to some of Spike's business partners. Don't know where he was born or who his parents are. Do know that he wrote a very definitive book about Canadian culture, titled Souveinir of Canada. This book is awesome. More awesome then Coupland himself, some might say. In this book, he touches on everything from CHIMO to Maple Walnut Ice Cream. Any good American would want this book in their library. Welcome to The Tap, Douggy Poo.
What's Mikey worried
about? Thanks for asking!
Mark Lewman sent us an awesome disc of wonderful pictures and a t-shirt concept that simply reads: Your dreams are stupid. It's trademarked so back off, coat tailer.
NEW COMPANY MOTTO: Don't even fuckin' think about it.
Jenkins and his young son went motor cycle riding and it turns out that thing that Emmet told Megan about her being his best influence was true! Little Em ate it over the bars but did not knock himself out. He did manage to land himself on Lakai and Ruby. Good work, Em.
Yeah Right Update from the Ty Evans editing manor:
"I'm getting a headache man, this video is fucking stressing me out". Ty Evans
"Not really". Mike Carroll
"It's coming...um...yeah". Rick Howard
Carroll to Ty: "We should use some R Kelly".
Ty to Carroll: "That would be fuckin genius".
The Lakers have had a few days off which has kept them in the 7th spot. I think it would be nice if they turned the heat on in the Staples Center, it would make the game a lot more enjoyable. Is it that cold in there because the ice is under the court for when the Kings play? Is it still interesting when this column is just a stream of uninteresting questions? Me too.
Today's Honorary Crail Canadian is Samuel Bronfman. He was born in 1889 to Russian refugeeparents who had fled to Canada. He died at the age of 79 after a long life of being a very successful business man. In 1924, he formed The Distillers Corp in Montreal. He went on to buy a good portion of the Seagrams company who owned about 80% of MCA. There was a documentary made about him titled WHISKEY MAN. Welcome to The Tap, party animal.
Harsh Hair Update: Rudy has cut the mop to a trim attractive short style. In a side note, anyone notice the striking similarity between Chick (the yorkshire terrior) and Frosty's hair styles......I think Frosty has been going to GROOMINGDALES.
A lot of men that drive Miata's spin.
How about those Clippers?
Don't be confused by the size of his rims, he's still Timmy on the Block.
I got the low down
on my dream and I figured any of you that have ever had that Celica/Fox
dream are dying to hear this.
If your date shows up with an apple....never mind.
Eric Anthony, International Sales specialist, explained to us today why it is all right to put Ranch dressing on tuna salad. "It has the word salad in it....you put ranch on salad." And why is it all right to put Ranch on Cookies, "people eat orange chicken". What?
Turns out no one moved the cheese but Rick may have cut the cheese.
A Tap shocker! For the first time in the history of honoring Canadians........Rick McCrank is todays Honorary Crail Canadian. Congratulations Rick. It is written in The Tap by laws that if anyone ever receives this honor more then three times, and this is Rick's fourth, they get a free tour of The Tap. This is amazing. Stay tuned for photos of our staff knocking at Rick's door with a big giant key to The Tap. .
Lakers in 7th, Houston in 8th. That's all you really need to know.
Sometimes at Crail we need to reach out to you. If anyone knows what it means if you dream you bought a Toyota Celica on Ebay and when you go to pick it up they give you an actual live fox for free, give us a call. I'm not sure if this helps but the Celica was light blue. Thanks.
Today's Honorary Crail Canadian, hold on to your hats, for the first time in Crail history, THREE TIME HONORY, Rick McCrank! What in the world? It's true! Rick is a professional skateboarder that witnessed, at The Podium Christmas Party, The Gav and Megan make a bet that The Gav has sinced welched on. Rick is also a professional skateboarder for Es, Girl, Nixon and Matix. We don't need to welcome McCrank to The Tap because he already knows it's his second home. Come home, Ricky.
Did you know that it takes 4 bowls of Grape Nuts to equal the nutrition of 1 bowl of Total? Sorry, the TV is on in the other room and I have the attention span of a fly.
Today in THE PODIUM
We called over to
the YEAH RIGHT editing manor to gather the following information:
The company motto has already changed. ONE STEP BEHIND was the old motto but Greg Carroll stepped up to the plate today and until someone shows up that wants to head butt him, the new Girl Distribution motto will have to be "BRING ON THE UNICORNS". Let it grow on you.
Does anyone know where to get a copy of a rare video, I think it is called FREDDY MERCURY SPINS, WE'RE ALL QUEENS? We'll pay top dollar and a Koston t-shirt in trade.
Speaking of Koston....remember Tig? He was the guy from Florida that hates everything about Girl? Well, he e-mailed me today to let me know that he thought "Koston looked like a kook and his house looks lame" after watching the recent episode of Cribs. Well Tig, we let Eric know what you thought and we wanted to let you know that he had the authoriities demolish his house today. When we explained to him about you keepin' it real,Frosty thought the sound of your trailer park, the heat, the flys, the scent of urine and the general back woods ignorance that you exist in would be a welcome change from his crib. Let us know, he's already packed and ready to get back to keepin' it real.
Harsh Hair Update: Bob K shaved his beard, Jenkins just shaved and Mikey waxed.
How about those Clippers?
Today's Honorary Crail Canadian is Peter Sullivan. Pete owns and operates a skateboard distribution in both eastern and western Canada. Pete also helped tip the scales in favor of Girl being the company voted "Most Likely To Hire A Canadian" in 1994-1996. He managed to do this while the owner of an actual mini truck. Pete has a lovely wife Louise, a stunning daughter Sofia and is awaiting the arrival of his second child, Toby. (Boy or girl, one name to choose from). Welcome to The Tap, Pete.
We were going to try and switch things up a bit and have The Tap honor a Romanian but when I went to look up the information on the famous Romanian poet, Nichita Stanescu, it was all in Romanian. The only thing I can tell you is that Nichita was born in 1933 and died in 1983. And I'm just guessing but I bet she wrote some killer Haiku.
Due to overwhelming back lash, The Ty Evans Brass Knuckles are being cancelled. Or we should say replaced? Some of you seem to think that brass knuckles might encourage Ty to kick your ass. We disagree. We think if Ty really wanted to kick your ass, he wouldn't bother taking the time to find the brass knuckles. But in the name of being fair, stay tuned for THE TY EVANS BOTTLE ROCKETS. A small proceed will go to Rick Howard for helping Ty keep the magic of fireworks alive. (We are also working on the SCOTT JOHNSTON PROTECTIVE EYEWEAR so really, stay tuned).
A new Crail feature:
THE PODIUM FAVORITE
Another shout out to the MFer that stole Bird's plant....what the hell, dude? Do you not realize that Bird is trying to make his home into a lovely palatial estate? Whoever took the plant will have some karma to deal with. That sounds scary.
Next week we are going to try and use the "F" word a lot less. This will be a difficult task but we can do this, I fucking know it!
Tonight The Lakers play The Clippers. This is the first time that Shane from Active and Rick reunite at Staples Center since the night that Ako, Atiba, Eric, Tim, The Spinner and Rick helped make another fan so mad that he wanted to choke Shane. The Clippers aint got a prayer.
Today's Honorary Crail Canadian is Richard Taylor. He was a famous physicist born in Alberta in 1929 and other then that, I swear, the guys biography was so long winded I couldn't take it. I felt like I was eating dinner with Bob K and I was totally sober and he was all hammered. He just went on and on about moving to Paris and going to Standford and winning The Nobel Peace Prize and blah blah blah. Met my wife, changed my life, blah blah blah. I had read three pages and I don't even think he had gotten through explaining the town he was born in. Holy Mary...B-O-R-I-N-G! Welcome to The Tap, DICK.
The Gav is no longer The Goof. It was trademarked so we'll keep you posted.
The Joe Miilionaire
season ender when all the gold diggers come back to see who got picked
was awesome. I figured out who Joe Millionaire reminds me of: George
W Bush. They both have that crazy empty stare that seems like they are
being operated by remote control. It was pretty funny how after the
girls knew he was a construction worker, they were "so happy for the
girl he picked". I don't know if anyone knows any girls but any time
on earth that someone is chosen over them, not happy. Not happy at all.
I'm not sure if it ever really was The Mez' cult. I think it was Greg Carrolls and Aaron tried to rip it off. He's being awfully low key ever since the new sheriff came to town. Keep an eye on him.
Harsh Hair Update: Mike Carroll looks like he just took hair rollers out of his hair.
Just a shout to to The Mez: Mikey just got done telling some people that you have a very feminine look when you sit with your legs crossed. We weren't talking shit on you only, Rick was sitting like a spinner so Mikey reminded us that you also have a sort of rainbow like sitting style. Rick may have appeared to be more feminine due to the fact that he had a down jacket on with nothing underneath it. Give us a call if you have any questions or just call Mikey directly.
Lakers managed to
beat the Supersonics but not by much. If anyone has any information
on who was in the Girl Company seats last night, please contact us and
let us know.
What do Ricky Henderson and The Gav have in common? Ask The Gav. And speaking of The Gav, running a close second on double booking? Rick Howard.
Harsh Hair Update: Frosty is ready for his close up and Spike has gone with a sort of black ceaser style. Yes, he looks goth.
Today's Honorary Crail Canadian is the figure skating super star, Kurt Browning. Kurt was born in Alberta in 1966 to his parents, Dewey and Neva (I think it's safe to say they met at a Weird Name Support Group Meeting) and loved figure skating from the day he was born. I thought for sure he would spin but it turns out he proposed to his wife in 1996 while taping Stars on Ice. He also wrote a book titled Forcing The Edge which is another Canadian coincidence on The Tap because that was the original name of the long awaited Girl video, YEAH RIGHT. Welcome to The Tap, Kurt.
Ty Evans has decided he wants to skip the mood ring part of the TY EVANS MOOD RING and just make it brass knuckles. Seeing that Ty is one of the few people I still like, stay tuned for the TY EVANS BRASS KNUCKLES. All profits and proceeds will go to the Ty Evans Beer Fund.
Emmet Jenkins joke contribution: Why did the duck cross the road? The chicken retired. He made be headed for a life of stand up.
The Lakers go up against Seattle tonight which would normally be quite a game but with the recent trade of The Glove, I think we have this one all locked up. Lakers beat Portland on Friday and drove home the point that The Trail Blazers are the biggest babies in the league. Rasheed Wallace should just play the game with a pacifier in his mouth. The Lakers are now in the 8th spot but due to the hypcritical nature of one Kelly Bird, we can't talk about it. Houston is sill in 9th for anyone that was wondering.
Looks like the girls from MTV's Sorrority Life and Frosty have something in common: A little too much editing andyou can look like a bitch. Koston actually lives in a palace like home in the Hollywood Hills but if you saw that recent episode of Cribs featuring Mr. Koston, you only see what looks to be a 3 bedroom condo in Cerritos. Stay tuned to The Tap for the real Koston Crib. It reads BIG PIMPIN STACKIN G'S in ice on the terrace. Forgot to put that in his episode, didn't you?
Spike directing Mikey during the day and dating Rick at night? Vicious love triangle.
Ricky Martin spins. Living the Vida Loca.
Today's Honorary Crail Canadian is Keanu Reeves. That's right, born in Beirut in 1964 but he is a Canadian citizen. He didn't become a Canadian citizen until he was 13, which some people might say is old enough to know better, but he really is Canadian. He first became famous in 1987 from his role in River's Edge. He then gained much more success from his Bill and Ted movies and on to the earth shattering performance in The Matrix. He also currently plays bass in his band, Dogstar, who released a CD titled Our Little Visionary. (That was sort of weird because that is what we call Mikey). Welcome to The Tap, Keanu.
In a touchy Board
of Directors meeting this last week where we were in search of a company
motto for The Girl Distribution Company, by a majority vote it is ONE
Eric Anthony and his cuter half, the lovely Andy, gave Megan a cookbook for her birthday which has resulted in a peanut butter cookie recipe that has taken the old recipe, used for the last 20 years, out. Megan ate 3, Chick ate 1 and Megan's perverted neighbor had 1. That leaves a couple dozen for the good people at Girl Distribution, ONE STEP BEHIND. By the way, the cookies are called Peanut Busters.
The Lakers managed
to get another win last night with Kobe doing all the work again. I
wonder if it is asking too much to ask that Shaq have his surgery a
little sooner then the week before the season opener next time? I think
he should have that toe removed.
Today's Honorary Crail
Canadian is Bernard Ebbers. Bernard is a very well known Canadian business
man and is currently the CEO of Worldcom. Bernard was born in Alberta
in 1941 and his very first job was delivering milk. He was later a bouncer
but, hey, what true Canadian isn't?
"Hey we have some of our own holidays"! Hmm.....what exactly is "boxing day"? And by the way, you guys stole that one from The British! Stop the nonsense.
It looks like everyone spins! I was told last night that 92% of all the male hair stylists in the West Hollywood area spin. Wow, the spinning never ends.
Here's a funny prank to try on your friends: Purchase a weird sort of juice and when they are at lunch, put the bottle on their desk. What follows is just a riot. Maybe it's funny here at Girl where we're a bunch of "total fucking goofs".
Did you see The Bachelorette? She's so pretty. So smart. She's got it all going on. And now she has a fireman? Wow, she wins.
Typical Texas. Not
the Rockets, Bird. The Houston loss last night was due to "bad officiating".
The good folks here at Girl that consider ping pong a sport have adopted a trophy system. The champ at the end of each day gets to keep the trophy in his house over night. And also gets a free spinning class.
Stop bombarding me with mail about Tito Larue and his lack of drive to keep his column updated. Look, it's Tito Larue. It's not as though we gave Anthony Robbins his own column and the guy is up all night drinking wine and pissing his life away. It's TITO LARUE! His nickname was TIP TOE TO LOSE in high school.
Canada is trying to
rip off another one of our holidays! They're trying to bite St Patricks
day now. Come on you guys. You have some stuff that you can turn into
holidays, leave ours alone.
HARSH HAIR UPDATE: Smyth tried to go under cover with an auburn highlight, Koston still looking feathered, Larson is trying to look like Abeyta, and Nick still has that weird thick fuzz that he calls hair.
Coming soon to The Tap: The Ty Evans mood rings! They double as brass knuckles, that was the only way we could get Ty to endorse them.
The Lakers go head
to head tonight with Yao Ming. The last time this happened Rick found
himself in a desert bar surrounded by tweekers singing Eminem covers.
I think tonight will end much differently, let's just hope it at least
Ty was all happy last night. Not a mood swing, I didn't say that. I am simply saying he seemed extra happy.
We found a stray ping
pong carrying case in the warehouse today and had to shut the doors
and handle this little read alert. Turns out Mueller was a little overwhelmed
with some work matters and left it out there. Everything is fine now,
nothing to worry about. The ping pong carrying case was returned to
it's proper owner.
Who else spins? Well, I'll tell you who else: The guy that works in that corner liquor store on La Cienega and Sunset with the rainbow on the sign, Rosie O'Donnell, many figure skaters and most of the back up dancers for Wham in the 80's. Yes, spinning is for everyone! A small correction from yesterday, it was not a zit Mikey was picking during the meeting, it was an in grown hair. And if you've ever seen Mikey without his shirt on, and I know a lot of you have, you can only imagine the amount of in grown hairs he deals with on a daily basis. Lord help him.
The Gav has been re-named, he is now The Goof. Easy enough change to make in the cell phone directory.
Joe Millionaire? Was anyone else watching hoping that the "crazy plot twist" in the last episode was that the butler grabbed a bow and arrow from behind a chair and shot that fat greased ham in the thigh? Dude, grab your cable knit sweater and your portfolio of revolting photos of you in brief underwear and go back to the construction site. And stop going to Laker games! I want to at lest have a remote control if your face should appear.
Today we honor the entire country of Canada. Welcome to The Tap and feel free to keep borrowing our holidays and changing the name of them, OK? OK.
I think I mentioned something about The Knicks being an easy win? I meant to see an easy loss. Sorry for the confusion of words. New York beat The Lakers last night by 7. I think it was because Ako went. Ativo and Frosty were there, too. Maybe they brought that losing Clipper spirit into the Staples Center? It won't be long until Biebels people finally get their ring.
We had a quick meeting with Mikey regarding the implication on The Tap that he is a baby. He was only sad the last day of the trip so we have decided he is not a baby. But he did pick at a zit on his upper arm the entire meeting.
Girl Talent show is booking up fast. We have a puppet show and a sort of Boys to Men Frisconian trio added to the growing pool of talent. We're actually booking the venue before we announce the date which is sort of out of character for us but we like to switch things up now and then.
Did you know that Rock Hudson liked to spin? It's true! And the dad from the Brady Bunch was a big spinner.
The Gav has some sort of gnarly chest cold. He does this really cool thing where he hacks up the crap that is stuck in his lungs when you're on the phone with him. It's so cool sounding, if you don't barf listening it's awesome. And speaking of The Gav, did you know he's getting a board? It's true, he's making a come back. Today's Honorary Crail Canadian is Rick McCrank! He's also the first Crail Canadian to receive this prestigious honor twice! Can you believe it? Rick is a pro skater for Girl Skateboard Company which is owned by Spike Jonze! Back to Rick, he has a lovely daughter who likes to ski and he has a cat that got it's ass kicked. Rick is currently skating for Es along with Eric Koston! You get the idea, right? He's totally dope.
Mike Carroll is now pro for Fillmore wheels. That's right. Get 'em while they're so hot right now.
The Lakers had the
day off yesterday and are set to play the Knicks tonight. The Knicks
are usually a safe win. Koston and Ativo are joining Rick for this game
so we'll see who gets thrown out of Staples the fastest. In terms of
betting, you always want to go with The Canadian when you're wondering
who will be the biggest ass.
The Mez turned 30
and everyone was there to see his new "I'm the youngest cult leader
in California" look. It consisted of a golden tan and a beard. We found
out that Aaron has a twin brother and Aaron's mom fanned out on Koston.
There is a correction from yesterdays column. Mikey did not have diaper rash in Australia. He had just switched from breast milk to formula and it has made him sort of cranky. In place of The Honorary Crail Canadian, today we are listing several Honorary Spinners. There has been such an overwhelming positive repsonse to all the spinning information we have posted. So, here's a brief list of The Tap's Honoarary Spinners: Freddie Mercury, Ellen DeGeneres, Geroge Michael, The singer from Depeche Mode, and Greg Luganis. Welcome to The Tap, Spinners.
The Lakers helped The Spurs continue their "on the road" winning streak. But not with out Rick Howard getting into a full blown argument with some of the San Antonio bench. Security along with PJ Carlisimo asked Rick to pipe it. Sprout and Mueller attended the festivities but none of this was enough to help Kobe and Shaq stop Duncan and the euro that looks like Caffrey from keeping LA out of the 8th spot. That also brings the total of guys in the NBA that look like Caffrey to three. Since The Lakers lost, I guess the high light of the game was the fact that Joe Millionaire was in the crowd. When is that tanned meat head going back to his forklift job?
I was looking through an old issue of Architectural Digest from the 70's and much to my surprise, Liberace had a stationary bike in his workout room. Was he the first spinner? We'll keep you posted.
Lamination machines, membership and health? All this coming soon in an exclusive and revoloutinary club. (That may be the gayest thing I ever wrote. I'll have the Crail fact checkers check to be sure but it looks like that may be it).
Today's Honorary Crail Canadian is Rick McCrank's mom! We don't know where she was born or what she does for hobbies but I think it's safe to say she has a knack for raising hot Candian stud boys. Welcome to The Tap, Mrs. Rick's mom.
Guess who else showed up to Girl with a tan and a new hair do? That's right, Rick's better half, Mikey. Bronzed and jet lagged he was the same down to earth guy with lots of questions and a gleam of confusion in his eye. Mikey chose Lee as his Velentine this year. It's a safe choice that you know will show up sharp dressed.
Jenkins and Smyth in love? We're always knocking down boundaries over here.
Mesa Vision for three decades? Stay tuned.
People that had fun in Australia: Brian Anderson, Brad Staaba, Rick Howard, Mike O'Meally, John Rattray and The Mez. People that are sour about the trip: Mike Carroll. It's sad that Mikey was sad down under. Maybe he had a diaper rash, he gets hot down there. Rick also forgot to bring Mikey's car seat so he was sort of scared riding in the regular seat in the van. .
The Nuggets thought they had seen enough of Kobe but they hadn't. The Lakers played the Nuggets again, in their very own Pepsi Center, and ended up setting a high score record for that place. Sucks to be Denver.
Today's Honorary Crail
Canadian is Bob K's wife. Just kidding ladies, he's so single and ready
to mingle. The real Honorary Crail Canadian is Morley Safer. (Where
do Canadians come up with these names...Morely? Bonar? Rick?)
I have been getting
an overwhelming amount of e-mails about spinning. "What is spinning?"
so many of you ask and "Is it as gay as it looks?". Well, spinning is
a room full of people on stationary bicycles riding (but going no where)
while different images and music is spread through out the room. It
is usually a 50 minute class where people get a real cardio vascular
HARSHEST HAIR UPDATE! Rick showed up to the Girl Factory today with a brand new tan and a brand new style. Someone took a picture of Harrison Ford to the hair dresser!
Larson has to have his ass replaced. Lame.
In skate news....still nothing. Kidding, check out all those crazy links that Bob K finds.
We beat The Nuggets! The Jefferson brothers, as in AKO and ATIVO (Atiba's official new name on The Tap), are Nuggets fans. ATIVO attended the game with some guy that spins and got to see The Nuggets get their asses handed to them on a shiny new platter. We need a Laker win and a Houston loss to grab that 8th spot. Come on, fellas.
Today's Honorary Crail
Canadian is Bob K's twin brother, Bonar. Bonar is a local dj in the
Winnipeg area and was born the same place Bob K was at the same time.
Maybe a few minutes later.
Rick McCrank is currently on a Australian camping adventure with his lovely girlfriend, Michele. I hope he doesn't try and get macho in front of her and wrestle an alligator or anything.
I never got a chance
to mention what a total rip off Joe Millionaire was. It was basically
the same show we saw last week. And what is up with that dude? His thighs
look like someone pumped them up with an air pump and then wrapped denim
around them. Combined with that cable knit sweater.
So here's the low down on Lardog. The butt infection started to clear up. Tony, feeling much better, challenged Abeyta to a 10 speed bike race. Lardog was so determined to win, he sweated so much that the butt infection ran down his crack and now the infection is all over his feet. He needs to be hosed down with rubbing alcohol. Yuk.
In skate news....nothing.
The Lakers have had a few days off but it's really hard to pretend like I even care. I hate the boradcast without Chick Hearn, Shaq looks fat and I write this column drunk most of the time. Everyone knows when you drink you either get super happy or totally mean. Me, I choose the latter. So basically when it comes time to write this column, I hate The Lakers. I mean, I can turn against The Gav in a hot second (which by the way, I have) so why would I have any attachment to the Lakers? If I were you, I wouldn't even read this column. The people that run this site are totally unstable. Sorry.
We got word from down under that the boys (Rick, Mike, Brad, BA and The Mez), during a long 12 hour drive, stopped and swam in a lake together. What next guys? Spinning classes?
Is there a new product endorsement section coming to the only pure brand left here at Girl Distribution? Holy Mary Mother of God. No, she's not endorsing something but stay tuned....this could get good. Is a Z-Man hip pack somewhere in the future? Do we need to contact people before we announce they are endorsing things? Just checking.
OK, so it's set in stone. Wednesday is the night for the Koston Crib debut on MTV. Look for Diamond Nick, he knows where to be in the right place at the right time.
Today's Honorary Crail Canadian is Bob K. Although he isn't actually Canadian he helps the US Citizen to Candian Citizen ratio that make Rick sort of uncomfortable. There really isn't even anything special about Bob K. Isn't that sad? I guess I'll make some stuff up to make him feel good about himself. He once was a stage hand for Bon Jovi and toured all over the USA, even Kansas City, where he scored with a hot chick that worked at a local "dance" club. Welcome to The Tap, Bobby.
Well, we all wanted to go camping with The Shot Gun Prince and Princess this weekend but we have aprevious engagement. Happy Birthday to Eric Anthony, the Prince of the Little Man in the silver Can.
Anyone seen Marc J's new tat? So sick. It's a snake that goes up the back of his leg but as it gets to his lower back, it turns into a rabid German Shepard dog. The blood drops from where it looks like the dog is digging his teeth in go all the way up his back. Wow. I guess it ties in with the Pit bull he has on his shoulder and the blood drips from that. Keep up the good work, Bro.
Catch that All Star
Game? Must have been irritating for the Laker Haters seeing Kobe and
Shaq hold it down for the West. I didn't see the game because I was
busy wondering why Bob K put all those quotes of his own up on Crail
and then tried to say that Megan wanted them up there. Why would Megan
want such nonsense up on The Tap?
Today's Honorary Crail
Canadian is Conrad Bain....you know, the famous actor? He was Dr Arthur
Harmon on the show MAUDE in 1972. Remember that riveting performance?
The boys down under, Mike, Rick, Brad, Brian and of course our very own David Koresh, The Mez have been treated to the cooking talents of Brian Anderson. "We had guacamole as an appetizer before we had cod". I hope the cod was prepared with a Spanish flare so it all blended well.
Knock Knock. Who's there? Tail. Tail Who? Tail all your friends this joke. Maybe not, it's sort of lame. Maybe tell all your friends at spinning class but not all your friends.
Check your local TV guide for the next Cribs episode. Koston manor is going to featured.
Remember those ass problems that Larson was having? It got worse. I'll have to write about it when my stomach isn't so full.
Folks, I think it safe to say you want to be on your couch tonight at 9PM. Joe Millionaire is on and we need to see why this guys face looks like he was taking pictures of Siegfried and Roy to the dermatologist and trying to recreated their look. All he needs is some spandex and a tiger and he is so their love child.
It's not too late to go see Spike's movie, Adaptation, in the theatres. I know we already told you that but we are dropping his name in an effort to get a better location for the YEAH RIGHT premier so we're just trying to be fair.
We are very sad to
announce there will be no more talk of The Hime. It's a long story but
The Hime is no longer a part of The Tap. If you feel like you need more
of The Hime then The Tap will now offer, which will be none, then stay
tuned to Lakers home games when they show the MGD Fan of The Game. Or
maybe stay tuned to the Von Zipper website. Or check out spinning classes
in the LA area.
OCX is hosting the 2nd annual chain wallet festival. That's all.
We have it on good
authority that The Mez, after losing Bob K and Megan to the dark side,
is now in Australia trying to get Brian Anderson in his cult.
Jereme Rogers would like to thank everyone for all the messages and would like to announce that he has enough friends and so please stop calling him. OK? Leave the guy alone, he's trying to skateboard and pick up on girls, no time to talk to Tappers right now.
What would you do if we sang out of tune? Sorry, Lardogs incense might be getting to the staff here.
Harsh Hair Update: The Gav is sort of fluffy, he needs a good conditioner, Bob K is wearing a beanie so no one knows he's a scum, Emmet Jenkins has a precision bowl cut and Greg Carroll is slicked back and in charge.
When you're done skateboarding tonight, don't forget to watch the Michael Jackson special on ABC. It will help you know what kinds of people to stay away from as you grow up. Like people that write songs in trees and make their children wear masks.
Well, The Lakers hit the 500 mark. If we can beat the Knicks tomorrow and every other team in the West loses, we may get into the playoffs. But I wouldn't be the house on it.With every passing Ford commercial, I grow increasingly more negative towards Rick Fox. Oh, except for the one where he is wearing a rash guard, that one is super cool.
Is it weird that Rick Howard has a rare cat breed website bookmarked on his computer? Just checking.
MTV is doing an episode of Cribs at Frosty's house. Since Eric speaks in some sort of one word/grunting secret language, The Gav is standing by to show the place to the good people at MTV. It won't be the first time The Gav has pretended the Koston Manor was his own house. We'll keep you posted on when that episode will air.
The Girl Talent show
is beginning to get booked. Weird when people think their talented and
they're not. One time in 7th grade, Megan tried out for the school talent
show doing a little solo number to "Point of no Return" by Kansas. She
didn't make it in but feels like her dance skills can not be matched
at this point in time.
Spike is off to The
Berlin Film Festival... unless you're that stalker girl with the weird
tribute website, then Spike is going to see the band Berlin in Encino.
Last night when I
found myself on a website voting for who Evan (Joe Millionaire) should
pick, Sarah or Zora, I realized that it was time to get off that bus
that The Mez has destined for boredom and crack a bottle of wine.
Lakers go head to head tonight with the second biggest baby in the NBA, Reggie Miller. Hopefully Spike Lee will be in the Indiana area so we can watch the two of them bicker, that's so neat when they show that. The game starts at about noon west coast time so don't expect to be able to watch it. Unless you have cable in your office.......GAV?
Who cares about The
Lakers when Joe Millionaire is around? Not me. Does that guy look like
he had cosmetic surgery on his eyes so that he would appear to be part
panther part man or is the sobriety screwing up my vision?
Ever tried to get your TIVO to make the daily call for three hours? So fun.
Just because The Hime
spins does not mean he plays for the other team. The Hime just told
me today, "I hump girls". When did they legalize roofies?
Ty stopped by today
with Spike to pick up some spray paint. I wish the two of them would
stop tagging all over LA and get that video done. For some odd reason,
Ako is not invited to the premier but Ty is going to bring him a VHS
copy of it the morning after the premier. We'll get to the bottom of
The Ako Ban and keep you posted. I don't think Atiba is going to like
this at all. Worse comes to worse, we'll have to have a special Jefferson
Well, The Mez just
can't be stopped. Guess who decided a jug of wine a night is not more
fun then facing the reality of life each passing lonely night? That's
right, MJ. Not Michael Jackson, the real MJ. The MJ that would never
dangle his son from a window.....Marc Johnson. Sober and ready to mingle.
Let's just say this, if Eric Anthony steps up and says he is giving
up beer, The Mez has won.
Who would have guessed
that Laker haters would attribute the win against Sacramento to the
fact that Weber didn't play? ME! And in an effort to not end in the
season in the 9th spot, The Lakers also pulled through for a win on
Saturday against Utah.
Jenkins, Young Jenkins,
Spike and Meg went the OCX route on Saturday night and attended the
Supercross event in Anaheim. I guess through some OCX connection Jenkins
got a special table where you can order a chicken dinner. Talk about
The Girl Talent show
is confirmed. Not a date or location but it will be in the San Diego
area around the dates of the next spectacular trade show.
The Gav shot a scene for the YEAH RIGHT video over the weekend. Spike was very hush hush but rumors have it that they needed a stunt double for Junior Seau and The Gav was more then happy to oblige.
Just added to The Mez' magical Sobriety Bus......MEGAN. After thinking there was an intruder in her home on Saturday night and then just hoping they didn't have a knife as she had too much wine in her system to be bale to fight someone while on wine, she has taken a closer look at her life. Sober: 2 days. Kickbox classes: I day.