ENTRY #1686
1/29/10

THE SONG
: Deep, Pearl Jam
THE PLACE: Jim's heart
THE WORD: read 'em

This column was going to suck today so poetry by Jim Thiebaud. (And Jim, I don't want to make you nervous, I'm sure your plate is full but Chris refreshed me of the link to this art and the news of a possible follow up book? I'm excited to say the least).

ALL AT ONCE

OVERLOAD
ALWAYS FEELING LOADED
TOO MUCH AT ONCE
ALWAYS THINKING
HATING
HATING THE ALWAYS THINKING
TRYING TO FOCUS DOWN
TO PICK ONE
AND CONFUSION OVERWHELMS
ENVELOPS
SURROUNDS
GRABS AND HOLDS
PULLS DOWN
I AM TOO MUCH
SIMULTANEOUSLY
THE PINATA
THE BAT
THE CROWD
I’M CHEERING
AS I STRIKE MYSELF
SMASHED UP
RELIEVED TO FALL FROM THE ROPE
FALLING TO THE GROUND
AGAIN
SPILLING OUT ALL OVER THE PLACE
AGAIN.


ENTRY #1685
1/28/10

THE SONG
: Two Sides of The Coin, Kiss
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD: F'ing Meza.....

Hey Thiebaud, do you think when Casey emails you to tell you that one of your skaters is going to be on Fuel you could reply? I mean, you have time to Twitter that you're going to get a fucking coffee or icing your stupid knee, you can't email the guy back and just say "cool, thanks"?. I mean, unless you're busy writing poetry again? Are you back into that?

Spike is back in NY and getting ready to help set up an art show. He's so gay.

Rickk, if that snowboard jacket you bought gets sort of old, I found this one. I put it on hold for you. Maybe you can get a turquoise turtle neck to wear underneath it.

 

ENTRY #1684
1/26/10

THE SONG
: Adore, Prince
THE PLACE: my heart
THE WORD: Rickk

Yesterday I told Rickk that I had a deposition tomorrow and he said, "Really? I'm going snowboarding". It's weird, that's exactly what you want to hear back when you have to go to a law office in Encino.

Gav, I heard about Rickk setting your foot on fire when you were asleep. I'm ready to turn on him for at least a week when you are. Just let me know. We're two of his four favorite people, we would really screw him up.

Staba, can you send me a photo of that heart I tatted on your arm? I'm going to trade this guy for a massage. He can't even spell so I'm pretty sure my level of experience will be acceptable.

Yeah Gasol, that's exactly how I feel every time you DON'T rebound. Go to the gym, dickhead, it's your job to be ready to play basketball. You're hired to do that.

 

ENTRY #1684
1/20/10

THE SONG
: Punch You In The Eye, Phish
THE PLACE: your eye
THE WORD: watch your back

I can't figure out if I should trademark or patent "Sandpaper Vag". More legal costs.

I'm torn. I want Hersh off the internet to get productivity back to at least 35% but then I get links like this and it's tough.

The Art Dump is going snowboarding on Wednesday. Rickk has a bright blue jacket that looks like he borrowed it from a DJ in Europe. Look for him, it's pretty "modern chill".

You can't just look up his movie trailer on Itunes and write the single word comment of "gay"! He worked on that movie for 8 years. Come on, fucking ungrateful fucks!

I have to bring back the shrine and The Gav.




GREAT QUOTES:
"Can I talk some shit"?. A Jenkins

"I'm not safe, fuck....". Spike

 

ENTRY #1683
1/19/10

THE SONG
: The Tide Is High, Blondie
THE PLACE: Vermont and PCH
THE WORD: Help

I don't want to point fingers but I feel like this goat didn't get there on his own..............LARSON!

Last night I mentioned that I wanted to drive 100 miles per hour in a car shooting bottle rockets and Spike mentioned he knew a guy that could arrange that. The weird thing was it was the guy was at the same table as us and it was Rickk.

Callaway has moved away from spread sheets and on to these sort of mini power point things. If you think we're not going to win with this guy on our team, guess again.

Tough Guy said in a natural disaster that my office is the safest place. More power, I fucking love it. Start buttering me up now, we're not all going to fit in here.

Yesterday was weird.




Sorry Mez, but you bite shit off me, too. And I changed the name so there's no confusion. Love you.

GREAT QUOTES: "Color me stoked". Spike

 

ENTRY #1682
1/18/10

THE SONG
: Things Aint Cool, Julian Marley
THE PLACE: whatever
THE WORD: whatever

In addition to trying weed that was out of his league, Rickk worked on his portfolio over the weekend. Yeah, that Rickk, the president of our company. When I asked him about this, he said he was "branching out".




Even when Hershel tags, it's a "Greatest miss..."

 


ENTRY #1681
1/13/10

THE SONG
: Too Much, Spice Girls
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD: Spike

In terms of annoying, "Bo" and "Services Rendered" (Rickk's new drinking name) are neck and neck. To be honest, Spike has been remarkably not annoying. In fact, Spike, the other two are really making you shine.

Here's a movie poster of a treatment Spike is working on. I think he should have gone to Jenkins' for the art but in a pinch, Services Rendered has some stuff in store.




Is it weird to give someone a gift that is a bobble head of yourself? Just checking. (What Spike? I have to check).

Why not....

 

ENTRY #1680
1/8/10

THE SONG
: Little Girl Blue, Nina Simone
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD: wah!

Next week: Ferrari's, coke, Bo, raves, fire, relationship advice, Agenda show updates, Sandpaper VA_, and more!

Or not.

 

ENTRY #1679
1/5/10

THE SONG
: Sailing Home, Karen O and The Kids
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD: home

2010 is fucking on! We got served our first subpoena! I knew this was my year.

THE LIST is on hold because I have to circulate them again and every time I even try and go on to the second level, Rickk acts like the entire Art Dump is in some deep mediation because they are on catalog deadline. Finish that thing, fags, you're blowing my column.

Rickk just asked Spike, "how did you make such a short children's book into a full length movie". And of course "Bo" just keeps texting.

 

ENTRY #1678
1/4/10

THE SONG
: Happy New Year, Abba
THE PLACE: earth
THE WORD: fearless

THE LIST 25, EA, apologize to Callaway.




Carnahan is kicking off the new year with a time off request. Little early to being interviewing with other companies, isn't it Jerry? Fuckin' A. I can't believe you're doing this again.

Spike, I think if you want a Ferrari and you can afford it, you need to find the place in you that feels the confidence to accept that. Buy one, cheese ball.

Mikey sent me this photo and included, "Damn, I'm a fucking artist". Not only are you an artist, Mikey. Rickk has no reason to not start a band at this point since he has his album
cover.

 

ENTRY #1677
12/23/09

THE SONG
: Save It For Later, English Beat
THE PLACE: whatever
THE WORD: forever

Spike in Tokyo. Sometimes, Spike, I just can't pick on you. Dammit.

Today at our Holiday lunch we discussed all the things that can go wrong if you hire more then one hooker at the same time in Amsterdam. FYI, Rickk gets falafel while other guys get hookers.

Mez, I have in writing from Jenkins', him referring to my column as "the most popular scroll on Crail". Considering there are very few facts checked, much shit talking and no skate news, that has to sting a great journalist that is you. You are still my favorite skate videographer, though. And I would bet your Andy's, too.

THE LIST 24, one more reason why I love Tough Guy.




 

ENTRY #1676
12/21/09

THE SONG
: Almost Over, Elliot Smith
THE PLACE: this column
THE WORD: 2010

THE LIST 23 was a trick question to see if the people I love the most are truly the best people ever. River, rent it, everyone knows you're one of my favorite employees. You can pretend you love it and I'll like you even more.




Rickk has been trying to help me figure out a way to post phone messages on my column. By "trying to help me" he just tells me "I'll figure it out" and then doesn't help me. So if you know of an app I can buy to do that, email The Mez. That way I can play the messages that Spike leaves me and you'll see how nasally he really is.

I heard The Desert Twins giggling today. So cute.

 

ENTRY #1675
12/18/09

THE SONG
: Finally, Fergie
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD: Friday

THE LIST 22 really wants to know what up with Rickk. Really Rickk? Not enough porno in the vending machine or do you just want to be able to buy a "broad" in there? Jesus.




Hey Carnalag, hope you don't mind but this guy will be training me and you'll be doing his web design. I'm sure he's normal.

 

ENTRY #1674
12/17/09

THE SONG
: Sorry, Blame It on Me, Akon
THE PLACE: Musso and Franks
THE WORD: DuPont


 

ENTRY #1673
12/16/09

THE SONG
: Doesn't Mean Anything, Alicia Keys
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD: this

Frosty use to host a White Elephant party every year. One year, Mikey brought this gift and Rickk ended up with it. I wonder why Frosty doesn't offer to host anymore?

I can only eat one of these next year at the holiday party. Two makes me black out.




THE LIST #21, more proof that Rickk, Mike and Spike are having meetings without me.




 

ENTRY #1672
12/11/09

THE SONG
: Roundhouse Kick To The Face, The Throne
THE PLACE: Um...Level 2
THE WORD: chill out

Spike, Rickk got 5th place but more importantly check the time in the right hand corner. 1:30 in the morning, President of the corp at the casino. Brought home
$565 cash. I wouldn't be worried.




Got this letter today. As if Hershel and Wizard Ben aren't annoying enough, I have to read stuff like this?




THE LIST 20 takes a look at some hostile feelings towards Boston Ben. Ben, looks like people think you should work more, go back to Boston and take more photos.




 

ENTRY #1671
12/9/09

THE SONG
: Still Doin' Time, George Jones
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD: here

My Little Dumpling hardly ever lets me down but sweats? Really, EA?




Am I crazy or isn't there an easier way to get a massage from a man other then making up some crap about garage work?

Last night I asked Rickk who got skater of the year and he said, "don't worry about it". Sounds like it wasn't anyone on Girl or Chocolate. Sorry for asking, I'll check with Meza next time.

 

ENTRY #1670
12/8/09

THE SONG
: Whatever You Like, T.I.
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD: sure

The bakery is really coming together. We have printed ribbon and a GM. I mean, that's about ten times more then we had when we started this "cluster fuck".

Hershel, if this is you selling some gloves you got at a thrift store, you're in some deep trouble.

Don't drink too much? Why go? The twice baked potatoes?

THE LIST #18. That's right Mikey, pretty f'ing cool!


 

ENTRY #1669
12/7/09

THE SONG
: Home Sweet Home, Motley Crue
THE PLACE:here
THE WORD: happy

The Mez wants to do everyone's column. Here's his contribution to THE LIST. THE LIST 17 and a nod to the OG smoothie.




I normally use a lighter more emo tone with Hershel because, well, he's pretty soft but today when my fax machine wouldn't stop beeping and he was rummaging through the candy jar in my office and said, "You know, no one uses fax machines anymore" I had to say, "you know what Hersh, you're fucking annoying". He didn't seem phased. Probably not the first time he's heard that.

 


ENTRY #1668
12/2/09

THE SONG
: London Calling, The Clash
THE PLACE:London
THE WORD: Good Luck, Spikey

THE LIST #16 checks out the true ultimate fight. Level One clearly kicks ass.




It's Wednesdays, so it's Winston.



 

ENTRY #1667
12/1/09

THE SONG
: Come Together, Joe Cocker
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD: now




 

ENTRY #1666
11/30/09

THE SONG
: Blowing It, Dinosaur Jr.
THE PLACE: The Valley
THE WORD: yep

So last week I decided to start smoking pot. (Whatever, Spike, I realize I smoked before but it's been 15 years so save your lecture). The first night was fine, two hits, no panic, all good. But night two I realized I wasn't motivated enough to bake cookies and I also have been commissioned by My LIttle Dumpling to do a painting and I couldn't work on that, either. Then I told Callaway and he felt like the next natural step would be video games with Ako and Atiba until all hours of the night.
So, I can't do the pot thing, too much to get done during the day.

And another reason I can't do the pot thing is that our "partner" in skate, Thiebaud, is a lame cheating asshole. And this time, Jim, I wasn't the one to initiate the "Jim's a Dick" conversation.

Spike, got the rules for your NY apartment. Mikey wanted me to post them in my column and I told him I just wouldn't do that. See, he's the evil one. He also wants me to let DuPont have my column for a week with no censorship!

 


ENTRY #1665
11/25/09

THE SONG
: Thankful, Kelly Clarkson
THE PLACE: earth
THE WORD: Happy Thanksgiving.

Spike, why wouldn't you just call your assistant? She arranges everything else, she can hook you with a ride to your "treatment center".

Wizard Ben, I know you've been struggling with getting a new crew together in LA.

No worries, Rickk, I'll buy my own goat.




So Hersh, you think you're hipper then Jenkins'? Thought so.




WEDNESDAY WITH WINSTON.



 

ENTRY #1664
11/23/09

THE SONG
: Going Down To Cuba, Jackson Browne
THE PLACE: Cuba
THE WORD: hope we're coming back......

I think the song on my birthday was "As Good As It Gets". That was before I knew the whole story. Thanks Rickk, my family reads my column now. Combine this with your list of
"people you have lived with" and I think they totally dig you. Can't believe River let this happen.




Spike, remember when you got mad that we weren't dressed up enough for the Lakai premier? They made it for it at your little movie, right?

 

ENTRY #1663
11/19/09

THE SONG
: Over It, Katherine McPhee
THE PLACE: oh...nothing
THE WORD: the fast lane!

When he's not filming his cat, he's gardening. Beets are ready. That's not gay! It's not like he ever had matching Escalades with anyone.




A tie dyed sleeveless on the skate bike? Hersh, you're not even in the top 20 hippest people in this place!

 

ENTRY #1662
11/18/09

THE SONG
: As Good As It Gets, Loverboy
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD: now

I am truly blessed.




And so are you. For the first time in weeks, WEDNESDAYS WITH WINSTON....

 

ENTRY #1661
11/17/09

THE SONG
: Pokerface, Lady Gaga
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD: uh huh

Hersh, seriously, the further I dig, you're not even in the top 10 hippest people. This is Jeremy on his lunch break for God's sake.




Rickk, you know how when you buy me gifts and you hide them in that tool cabinet? Yeah, I've been finding them for years but anyways, I just don't think that's a good place to put a baby goat so maybe just put it in my office? Thanks buddy




One of the best parts of my job here is tax planning at the end of the year. Makes me feel blessed and creative. Gay.

I am going to try to get Crankers to drink organic wine tonight. This will be my first reverse intervention. I'm pumped.

 

ENTRY #1660
11/16/09

THE SONG
: Blowing It, Dinosaur Jr.
THE PLACE: SF
THE WORD: Frank

Gav, if this is you, call me. I'll come grab you.

On Saturday, Spike said, "I make the coolest shit happen at Girl". Pretty cool to point it out, too.

Rickk, this better be in the warehouse on Wednesday. I've prayed for it since I didn't get it last birthday!




Hersh, if River kicks your ass in the skatepark, keep in mind that you signed the waiver. Dumbass.

Wizard Ben, your office is going to look so good this year when the Lakers are champs again.

 

ENTRY #1659
11/13/09

THE SONG
: Limelight, Rush
THE PLACE: yep
THE WORD: word

I was going to write the meanest shit about Thiebaud today and he sends me a gift. Now I like him again. Shallow, right? But I'm content so it doesn't matter.

Mikey, remember that one year you bought me that pea coat and you said about every ten years you would get me something good? Been about ten years, dollface.

THE LIST #15 is just more proof of why I love My Little Dumpling so much. Worries about getting abducted, amazing.




Spike, don't worry about it, Rickk would way rather watch you sign books then watch the Lakers play the Rockets. Don't even give it a second thought.




 

 

ENTRY #1658
11/11/09

THE SONG
: To All The Girls I've Loved Before, Julio Iglesias
THE PLACE: not saying
THE WORD: you know who you are

Mikey, call me. Sam and Spike switched our fruit drink with umbrellas/sun bathing in a hammock New Years vacation into a life threatening adventure through the jungle. Just a few letters changed in the destination. Was CABO....now CUBA. Rickk will be there, we'll be fine. But call me, I want to make sure we're on the same page in a kidnapping situation. Love you.

Do they sell roofies in China? Because Rickk came back with ripped boxers and Mikey left town the day they got back. Don't jump to any crazy assumptions, I'm just thinking that Mikey may have date raped Rickk. No big deal, it happens.




Hersh, before you run around on Level 2 talking about how you're the hippest employee at Girl, maybe visit Level 1. We have a guy down here that's been benched most of the season in his hockey league for fucking people up. Way more hip then collecting Starbucks cups......

 

ENTRY #1657
11/10/09

THE SONG
: Border Song, Elton John
THE PLACE: LAX
THE WORD: Rickk!!

THE LIST #13 takes a look at play time. Mikey? Runyon? Is that the name of a drink at Hyde?




Sorry Buscemi, you made it to the YOUR BOY ranks again. YOUR BOY Johnny Damon wants to help you 'cool hunt' some fabric for button ups. Pretty obvious his wife would throw up the horns, she has an Ed Hardy bag.

 

ENTRY #1656
11/9/09

THE SONG
: Forever and Always, Taylor Swift
THE PLACE: near by.
THE WORD: giant greeting card

Gav, spin through the Jack In The Box drive thru, they have bite size caramel cheesecake desert. It comes in 2 and 4 piece packs. (I know you want 8 so just drive through with Mason).

THE LIST #13 takes a look around the corner to our next business. Mikey, you're VP, not delivery boy but River is your boss. Sorry.




And this is why I never turn that resignation in. Melt my heart.




Today's YOUR BOY goes out to Buscemi. Yep Jon, you're world champs and your roided out freak has b-cups.

 

ENTRY #1655
11/6/09

THE SONG
: Keep The Car Running, Arcade Fire
THE PLACE: uh huh...
THE WORD: yep...

Rickk and Mike have been gone for two days and we haven't received any texts from either of them that the other one is "annoying". This will be a first.

I'm starting a new feature in my column since The Mez keeps trying to "out feature" me. This one is inspired by Wizard Ben and it's called YOUR BOY. It will be dedicated to the appropriate person each day. Today's YOUR BOY is dedicated to Atiba. You named your dog after him, right? Stay Up, Atiba.




THE LIST #12, the first two people on the list could use one.....




 

ENTRY #1654
11/4/09

THE SONG
: Time to Lose, The Thermals
THE PLACE: earth
THE WORD: Yankees

The Gav is having a flag football game to try and win Rickk back from Justin. It's going to take a lot more then a little recreation, Tim. He told me the other night, "I could call Justin right now and tell him we were going to Greece and all he would ask is what he should pack". Signed, sealed, delivered....they're for real.

Hi Wizard Ben.




THE LIST #11 gets a reminder of just how hilarious our VP is. Mikey, you're a riot.




Smyth, I just want to tell you that last night Rickk and I were discussing an event here at Girl and I added, "maybe we could have some beer and wine......". You knew I'd come around, Smyth. It took a decade but it's a lingering possibility.

 

ENTRY #1653
11/3/09

THE SONG
: Mellow Mood, Bunny Wailer
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD: now

Ever get a bad batch of E?

Rickk, I see what you're doing. The Prius gets good enough gas mileage that this will cover your buy in. Stop it.

Yesterday at the place I take Jiu Jitsu this guy named Max asked another instructor to not call him "Maxi Pad" anymore. So that instructor asked him what he wanted to be called and he said, "Kly-Max...with a K". I am surrounding myself with winners so that I am a winner, too.

THE LIST #10 shows that even though they try, the truth is, across the board, the answer is "TORRANCE".

 

ENTRY #1652
11/2/09

THE SONG
: Party In The USA, Miley Cyrus
THE PLACE: USA
THE WORD: whatever

Gav, when I tell you that you've been replaced, I am not kidding. Rickk spent Friday night on the pier with Justin where they watched the Laker game, drank shots called "Surfers On Acid" then formed a mosh pit at a club on the pier. As if that didn't scream, "over you" he played tennis with him on Sunday evening at the Hermosa courts. You wanted to live in the valley, you take your medicine.

Thanks to everyone at the Canadian Consulate for being so cool. If things don't work out there, you guys can get jobs at the DMV, they hire total dicks, too.

Clearly THE LIST can even surprise me, as with THE LIST #9. I thought River, Rich or Mikey would have chosen me as "hero". Oh well, win some, lose some, assume some.

 

ENTRY #1651
10/28/09

THE SONG
: Should've Said No, Taylor Swift
THE PLACE: Here
THE WORD: about 16 years ago.....



Wizard Ben, look how happy The Lakers were last night as they got their rings? That design on that track jacket might end up in your office when we win again this year.

I am going to be getting rid of The Prius, I just am still working on my excuse. Once I get it covered from all angles, I'll be bringing in the asshole car.

THE LIST #8 ponders that Rickk forgot one room mate that he had, I'm sure she's not sensitive.



 

ENTRY #1650
10/27/09

THE SONG
: Enough For Now, The Fray
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD: enough

Really Sanger, just SKATE THIS for months on end? You're pissing me off.

THE LIST #7.....another great idea from The Mez, move the warehouse to the city that is 110 degrees three months out of the year.




 

ENTRY #1649
10/26/09

THE SONG
: Boom Boom Pow, Black Eyed Peas
THE PLACE: Rosebowl
THE WORD: missed it

Mikey, if I get kidnapped in Brazil, can you help Rickk sell his NBA starting line up on Ebay to put towards the ransom? I guess it's worth a "ton of money". And then after that, contact my family for real money? Thanks buddy.

No, Spike never had an awkward phase, who said that?




Mikey, I realize this is sort of insensitive to let you know through my "blog" but I can't stand either one of them anymore. THE LIST #6

 

ENTRY #1648
10/23/09

THE SONG
: Ordinary World, Duran Duran
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD: sometimes....

Carnalag is really good at the skate bike. He can do it with no hands and make sharp turns. Look for him at upcoming demos.




You'll never quite have a moment where you take stock of your existence until you've heard Rickk on speaker phone with the Hustler Casino getting the details on the 100K Texas Hold 'Em tournament. Wow.

Rickk, if that tournament doesn't work out, looks like The Gav is headed to Vegas. You're down to earth, call him.

THE LIST #5, sort of a downer, sorry.

 

ENTRY #1647
10/22/09

THE SONG
: Happy Birthday, Stevie Wonder
THE PLACE: Earth
THE WORD: Love you, Adam!

 

ENTRY #1646
10/21/09

THE SONG
: It's Different For Girls, Joe Jackson
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD: idiots

Today Mikey and I talked about how he should handle his wallet situation now that he has two credit cards. Restoring my faith in him, he decided to leave one card at home so when he loses his wallet, he has less cards to cancel. Yep, that's why we're winning.

Rickk is done gambling. No, seriously!

THE LIST #4 gets to the important stuff.

 

ENTRY #1645
10/20/09

THE SONG
: Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want, The Smiths
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD: tomorrow

Gav, looks like everyone has your teams back....




THE LIST #3, a little more love for The Gav.




 


ENTRY #1644
10/19/09

THE SONG
: Clear The Way, Lee Perry
THE PLACE: The Way
THE WORD: Clear it

Spike 1, Jocks 0.

My best girl friend and I call each other Mikor and Pikor. I just thought I'd include that because someone mentioned to me that they know a few people that get super annoyed by this column. I figured having to know nicknames would be super annoying. Especially those nicknames.

Mikey and I are hosting a UFC party this weekend. We don't have to even invite The Mez because this would be considered a "dumb people" gathering. I know, Mez. It's hard to take us seriously at this point.

THE LIST gives you a glimpse at how long Jenkins' has been here. So long that he doesn't even know that he's going into year 17.




 

ENTRY #1643
10/16/09

THE SONG
: Tonight's The Night, Neil Young
THE PLACE: movie theatre
THE WORD: Where The Wild Things Are

Sanger, just posting some weird thing that you can or can't skate is counting as a post? Dude, this column would rip if I knew about skating.

Don Brown hit me up about how many Lakai videos we sold so he would know how many of his new video to order. I told him to cut it to about 12% of what we sold and I also cc'd Rickk, Mikey and Spike on my response. What else, Don? Want to see our special formula for winning? So out of line. I mean you, Don, not me.

I have a new feature for this column called THE LIST. The Mez tried to blow it for me when I kicked it off because he knows that this column has the power to really shine when I apply myself but that didn't work. Stick to your couch, interviews, Mez. You know what you're good at. And with that, I give you #1 of THE LIST:




 

ENTRY #1642
10/15/09

THE SONG
: Losing Touch, The Killers
THE PLACE: This column
THE WORD: yep

 

 

ENTRY #1641
10/9/09

THE SONG
: Does Anyone Really Know What Time It Is, Chicago
THE PLACE: Jet Blue
THE WORD: small white pills

Imagine our surprise when Pre-Op Hersh showed up to both the MOMA event and the after party. Mikey and Lance Bangs were thrilled to see him/her too.




Hey Wizard Ben, what's new?

 


ENTRY #1640
10/6/09

THE SONG
: We Are Family, Sister Sledge
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD: not so much

IMPORTANT! Transgender Hersh will be known as Pre-Op Hersh from this point on. Please make a note of it. (The Mez changed it and Hersh likes it).




Feds, can you pick up Bird, Mrs. Bird, The Carrolls and meet us there? Thanks, buddy.

Del Amo Fashion Ctr & So Fresh Market
                     Present;
               the RETROS
           Fri, Oct 30, 5:30-8:30 pm


Pulling the ban on The Gav. I'll ban someone else some other time. Sorry, Gav, my bad. You want to fan out on the Retros with us? You can come.




Hey Don Brown, is it OK if I bring back my CRAIL CUTE DOG CONTEST? I mean since you stole it from me to begin with?




Gav, don't try to throw me off by calling yourself "Stephanie" and saying you love to read.....

 

ENTRY #1639
10/5/09

THE SONG
: Sailing Home, Karen O and The Kids
THE PLACE: Home
THE WORD: it's time....

It is with great sadness that I announce the lifetime ban in my column of The Gav. What a fun guy, can't count the memories if I try. But clearly when you put this on the back of your car we've gone our separate ways. I love you, Gav, good luck and sorry Encino got you.




Transgender Hersh, I don't think EA thought your tattling was very funny. He's emo but he's from Yucca, he's also, you know, from Yucca.




We're becoming groupies. Me, Rickk, Feds and I think I have to negotiate with Mikey and Bird but that's fairly easy. I mean, the Mikey part. There's a band called the Retros and I
guess we'll just be like The "Banned Dodger Fan" was with Phish but with less tie die, better planning and less weed. Keep you posted.




I tried to start a new feature for this column called THE LIST but The Mez stepped in and screwed it up. Thanks Aaron, truly.

 

ENTRY #1638
10/1/09

THE SONG
: Tales of Endurance, Supergrass
THE PLACE: up north somewhere
THE WORD: chill out

Hersh, take the ad down, I'll get you and Sarah ferry tickets.

Spike, cool newspaper name, right?

If you don't work in a kitchen, are not a chef prep cook or soup specialist and stirring the pot is part of your job, there is a good chance you're super cool. Keep up the good work, no one thinks you're a dick.

Transgender Hersh/Tattle Tale Hersh sent the following Level 2 update: 'The Desert Twins are currently obsessing on The Village People. Carnalag sent this to me with a note that said, 'feast your eyes on this inspiration".' Jerry, can you come to HR when you have a free moment from gay porn and photos with gay overtones all together? Thanks Buddy.




 

ENTRY #1637
9/30/09

THE SONG
: Crazier, Taylor Swift
THE PLACE: yep
THE WORD: uh-huh

Larson lost a bet he made on the Chargers so he had to wear this t-shirt all day at the office yesterday. Kind of cool that it says BALTIMORE on it....right Tone?
Gav, this is called "keeping your end of the deal". It's what we do when we make bets. Google it.

 

ENTRY #1636
9/29/09

THE SONG
:Capsize, Karen O And The Kids
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD: not now

Spike, please tell me why I am so irritated with Mikey? It's not like I tried to go shopping and he just popped up in my face again!

My Little Lulabelle is taking up speed dating. Oh no, not without us chaperoning. No way.




Transgender Hersh is also Tattle Tale Hersh. He told me that he caught EA and Carnalag looking at gay porn together on Level 2. Way to go, Team Yucca. That will be awesome when we get the main server serviced and I have to explain that To Richard from Technet. Don't worry, I'll tell him it was Rickk and Mikey. Seriously, that's how much I love you two.

Gav, can you grab my buddy from Mexico? He's bringing me some stuff. If you know what I mean....

 

ENTRY #1635
9/28/09

THE SONG
: It's A Mistake, Men at Work
THE PLACE: LA
THE WORD: Really? Khloe Kardashian, Lamar?

And Wizard Ben, just zip it. We're still the World Champion Lakers. And you have dudes on your team getting DUI's and getting stabbed in the parking lot of clubs. So just pipe it.

Mikey, will you buy me these, too? Thanks.

EA and Carnalag? Next round of ink?




Spike, why is Mikey bugging me so much? It's not like I can't make a move without reading about him. What do you think it is?

 

ENTRY #1634
9/24/09

THE SONG
: We Are Nowhere And It's Now, Bright Eyes
THE PLACE: yep
THE WORD: uh huh

Yesterday I was getting something out of the fridge and I heard Jeremy on the phone and I figured with all the whispering and giggling it had to be his girlfriend. Pretty close, it was his boyfriend. EA, really, come back. We miss you.

I hope this doesn't offend anyone but Eddie Vedder is a dick.

Hey Rickk, can you move your scooter away from the Emergency Exit? It's really bumming out the safety team. What? Who's the safety team? That's me, Spread Sheet, River, Tough Guy and Transgender Hersh. You'll get a warning this time, next time, we tow it.
And probably a citizens arrest, we're power tripping.

Gav! You're not in a band!

Mikey, I want a baby elephant instead of the sword. Can you make sure it is a female? I plan on keeping it at my house and I don't want it to be aggressive.

 

ENTRY #1633
9/23/09

THE SONG
: Crazier, Taylor Swift
THE PLACE: you know
THE WORD: uh huh

EA is back! He went to Hawaii and then took extra days off to relax from all the relaxing. He's so cute. He needs to be really rested to come back here and be cute.

Rickk is the head of his household, in case you were wondering.

Mikey, I decided I don't want that little tiger I asked you for yesterday. I read more about it and realized that it will easily turn on us and kill us. And we know what it feels like to be turned on, don't we? OK, so here is what I want instead. Verify the autograph before you buy it for me. Thanks, buddy.

Gav? You're getting a new truck? That's awesome.

Also Gav, not to pour salt into an old wound but Rickk and I did have a brief discussion about you going to Hawaii with the Osbournes. It was brief, we quickly moved on to how your parlayed it into a slipper for DVS.

Spike, I'm confused. George Clooney, Kevin Spacey, Jeff Bridges and Ewan McGregor are in your movie?

Today's Kooks and Hipsters

 

ENTRY #1632
9/22/09

THE SONG
: Baby Come On Home, Led Zeppelin
THE PLACE: Home
THE WORD: My Little Dumpling

Last night Spike tried to tell me that his site www.weloveyouso.com was the opposite of my column. I guess he thinks my column is negative and snotty. Sorry, Spike. Walk a mile in my shoes then let me know if you want to talk about embroidery and flowers. Jerk.

Gav, I don't want to come right out and say that you moved to a new area code and Rickk replaced you but last night he had drinks at Tony's on the pier with Justin, then they went fishing together. You should talk to him, a lot of giggling while they were getting their tackle together.

Hersh is back, looks a little more mature, seemed really excited about being married. EA is still not back. I am always worried that EA is going to drink too much and someone is going to get him to join a cult while he's hammered. He's really trusting and if I had a cult, I would want him in it. Wait a minute....

Girl is about to get a whole lot safer. No, really safe. Like, pre-school safe.

Mikey, will you buy me this for my birthday? It's a baby leopard. It will get to be about 200 pounds and will take most of our income to house and feed. But I want it. Please?


 

ENTRY #1631
9/21/09

THE SONG
: Gimme Shelter, The Rolling Stones
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD: now

Gav, come on, dude. Just accept that you we're your friends and go with it. You don't need new friends to cut loose, we all love you just the way you are.

Looks like the internet is back up and The Mez can get all his updates out to you. Hey Sanger, it's only been 18 days, think you can update that column? I'm busy too but I manage to gather enough crap to fill this space. Update it, you little baby.

Spike, it's still not you that's totally bugging me. It's still Mikey, he's been on my nerves for almost 6 years now. I mean a week, not sure why I said 6 years.

Kooks and hipsters.


 

ENTRY #1630
9/18/09 Part Two

THE SONG
: Blowing It, Dinosaur Jr.
THE PLACE: The Randoms
THE WORD: Meza

Meza buzzed me, keep in mind he's my assistant, and asked if I could put some sort of lie in my column that the site is having problems so he can't post. Weird how my column is showing up just fine.

 

ENTRY #1630
9/18/09

THE SONG
: Happy Birthday, Stevie Wonder
THE PLACE: My sister, Sue
THE WORD: You're awesome!

Spike, I said Mikey's bugging me, not you. Why would you be bugging me? What? Cuz I can't make a move without seeing you? That wouldn't bother me, I'm patient, open minded and compassionate.

Seems fair.

Hersh, your car is about to get a little gayer. Stay tuned.

 

ENTRY #1629
9/17/09

THE SONG
: Forever and Always, Taylor Swift
THE PLACE: I guess here, dammit
THE WORD: forever and always, obviously.

Gav got drunk at the skate premier last night, looks like he ended up at strip bar on the wrong end of fun.

This looks like a safe deal to get involved in. What's sketchy about it?

Spike, it's called the brakes, pump them.

A bunch of guys that totally have no addiction to gambling or even remotely any sort of gambling problem are having another "home game" tonight hosted at the Commerce Casino. If you happen to be in the Commerce Casino and see a hunky Euro looking guy drunk and saying, "I'm all in with 1/4 of Girl Skateboards..." if you could email us, that would be appreciated.

EA texted me to tell me he was on his connecting flight with Magic Johnson. EA wrote, "he has a huge smile and seems really nice". Please never let anyone corrupt my little dumpling, he's so sweet.

Mikey's still bugging me.

 

ENTRY #1628
9/16/09

THE SONG
: Who's Sorry Now, Connie Francis
THE PLACE: the market
THE WORD: Thiebaud

Rickk, Spike is going to be hurt when he finds out that you can't go to the Yeah Yeah Yeahs because you're going to a "gambling function". Hopefully he doesn't read this column.

Mikey's bugging me.

Thiebaud apologized for jeopardizing the entire market with his blow out of complete decks. He didn't really have an explanation but I think it starts with a "G" ends with a "D" and rhymes with "breed". He's sending Spike a Spitfire package as a show of regret.

Here's an actual email Mettee sent to everyone on Level 2. The subject was "Shit Paper".
"level 2,
please do not flush paper towels down the toilets. if we're out of toilet paper, there is plenty in the lockers downstairs. i know its a long walk, but you can do it!
not a plumber,
b".

The Dungeons and Dragons aspect of Wizard Ben's personality might not be the weirdest.

 

ENTRY #1627
9/15/09

THE SONG
: How Many More Times, Led Zeppelin
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD: who knows.....

Gav, how many times do I have to tell you? You are not driving to Phoenix with strangers!

Gav, how many times do I have to tell you? This is not real modeling, they are using you.

Gav, bring back the wake team, the economy is making a come back and the real money is going to be at those lake side merchandise/snack stands. Seriously.

Gav, what's Livestock?

 

ENTRY #1626
9/14/09

THE SONG
: Not Ready To Make Nice, Dixie Chicks
THE PLACE: Earth
THE WORD: It happens.....

The Mez is doing so much shot calling on Level 2. There was a line of people into his office looking for approval. You're no one's assistant, Mez.

Alex Klein, "a thin veneer of irony".....put that amazingness in your script! I can totally see an acting icon like Elizabeth Berkeley or Mario Lopez saying that line with such conviction in your movie. You're good.

Just in case you were wondering, like if you're Warner or someone maybe in their legal or something like that, here's a photo of the meeting the partners held to curate the wall on La Brea. Clearly myself and Mikey are no where to be seen. I think we were downtown that night handing out food to the homeless. Right, Mikey?




Hey Mikey, looks like Lamar likes the same Kardashian as you do. Cool.



 

ENTRY #1625
9/11/09

THE SONG
: The End, My Chemical Romance
THE PLACE: Everywhere
THE WORD: All the time

Hey Alex Klein, do you remember when Roger Bridges was posting The Daily Photo and he put a novel under each photo? Yeah, I didn't think so. The cool thing about photos is that you don't have to write eight paragraphs underneath them. The Mez told me to go easy on you because you wear boots and live in Silverlake so I am. But Alex, life is not that complicated and it's more enjoyable when we take a more simple approach to it. Flip flops and shorter captions might seem like a tiny baby step but it's less on your plate and will change your world. Which means more time for script writing.

The decks from Where The Wild Things Are don't grow on trees. Well, they did at one time but let's not open that green can of worms.

Spike, you're right, I am really sick of you.

So DuPont edited a video that I refused to post and our friendship is officially over. It was a good run but was doomed from the start. Farewell, Winston.




Mez, Rickk, get signed up. You both could use the stretch and lord knows you need the help with your crapping.

 

ENTRY #1624
9/10/09

THE SONG
: Happy Birthday, New Kids On The Block
THE PLACE: Earth
THE WORD: Vince Capaldi

Lots of love and support from everyone at Girl and Chocolate.

 

ENTRY #1623
9/9/09

THE SONG
: Come Rain or Come Shine, Willie Nelson
THE PLACE: Earth
THE WORD: sigh

I think last week I wondered about how mad Warner was going to be at me this week. I think on a scale of 1-10, 1 being not that pissed off and 10 being super fucking pissed off, we would be at an 11. I want to change it to a 13.9. Sorry guys, we're jocks, but you're total jocks.

A lot of you have been asking about Sonny. Well, after I spent a week rallying support for him he just disappeared like an ungrateful motherfucker. Nice, Sonny. Make sure to call me if Larissa isn't home next time you try to kill yourself. Jerk.

I went to the beach with Mikey over the weekend. I don't think he can get tan through all his fur. He's like a big brown bear. I don't think bears get sun burned, do they?

Just an FYI, Spike works for Lakai. Suck one.

I'm not saying it was me and I'm not saying anything in this column is true but sometimes you are not allowed to link things on Craigslist.org and they have a legal team that will let you know. A lot of people are trying to use their legal teams to bully me, pretty lame.

Need a little cheering up? Here's Chick. Still cute.

 

ENTRY #1622
9/3/09

THE SONG
: Zero, Yeah Yeah Yeahs
THE PLACE: your score
THE WORD: loser

Not saying we're firing Hershel but this is the last thing he designed before he left to marry the lovely Sarah. Sarah, I hope you check this site before you tie the knot! You might be marrying a bad designer with no job!




Spike, in the new issue of Elle they referred to you as "outlandishly brilliant". That's a nice way of saying, "weird".

EA assured me that when he asks for time off he is not out looking for jobs at large surf companies. I believe him, he's My Little Dumpling.

Thiebaud, I rallied against you last night and Spike and Rickk defended you. Just letting you know where you stand. But I almost have Rickk convinced, once he's convinced, Spike is the easy part. How's your complete program going?

"Non pretentious intellectual tendencies....". Anyone want to drive all the way to Chicago with a shithead?

 

ENTRY #1621
9/2/09

THE SONG
: Maybe Tomorrow, Jackson 5
THE PLACE: this column
THE WORD: material

As if we would hold a "CRAIL CUTE KID CONTEST". Too many ringers! Hal Callaway, probably listening to Bright Eyes.

 

ENTRY #1620
9/1/09

THE SONG
: We Are Nowhere And It's Now, Bright Eyes
THE PLACE: Nowhere
THE WORD: Now

Wizard Ben, tell your boy to chill.

I feel like if, on a scale of 1-10, 1 being "not so frustrated" and 10 being "really fucking frustrated", Warner was about a 7 with us last month. I feel like late next week, they'll be about an 11. Maybe 11.5 but that's up to them, we all get a chance to lighten up and have a sense of humor and if you decide instead of that, that you want to be a total misdirected jock, then that's on you.

Happy Birthday, Conway Twitty!

I wonder what is in the suitcase that they want it back so bad, don't you?

If Callaway was a kitten...

 

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