ENTRY #1619

: You're My Best Friend, Queen
THE WORD: Happy Birthday, Rickky!

Sometimes Chick just likes to check the surf.

I have to get over this weird stigma I keep putting on the boys when they go tot the casino. It looks completely normal and poker is probably stressful. Who wouldn't need a massage right at the table?

Yesterday was our "Sorta Annual" softball game. The Pink Slips took home the trophy and I think their entire team will agree, you couldn't of done it without this guys sweat.


ENTRY #1618

: Friday, Ice Cube
THE PLACE: earth
THE WORD: word

Why is is that so many tour photos look like the team went on a gay retreat and not out to promote the company?

Tonight at midnight, if you're awake, call The Gav's line over at Podium, 310 715 8300 extension 654, and wish him a happy birthday. He shares his birthday with Robin Leach, Michael Jackson and John McCain. Looks like only normal people were born on that day. Happy Birthday, Gav.

If EA and Jeremy were kittens.....

And if Rickk, Mikey and Spike were kittens.....

DuPont went on some power retreat so he let me know that there will be no update on Winston this week. That means you don't have to wait for the video to load and then ask yourself, "what is this guy all about". One less thing to do.

Have a good weekend and remember, what happens in Torrance is usually fattening.


ENTRY #1617


DuPont, next level.


ENTRY #1616

: Busted, Johnny Cash
THE PLACE: I think Billabong....
THE WORD: Jordan interview

Spike, see, people get you. You're totally an artist.

Rickk, nice job on picking Sarah (front of the boat) for our softball team but that guy about to cry right behind her? That's Hershel! You picked him, too! We didn't need a sissy on
the team or I would have picked Spike.

Sonny calls himself "Robocop". Spike, why didn't you tell me this ahead of time? That is a cry for help like no other. Here's the glove he was wearing when he decided the world wasn't revolving around him enough. My hands are full right now, Sonny. I'm dealing with a corporate softball event and a legal team from a movie production company that doesn't believe I'm the CEO. If you an push your next "accident" into October, that would be really helpful and yes, I will come to your side.


ENTRY #1615

: Over It, Ashley Tisdale

Count me in, I just learned how to do the Heimluch Maneuver on fat people.

This is where Sonny's weak attempt at suicide has left us all. A contraption from the future with rubber bands, tape and other school supplies. Just so you know Sonny, we can't have a Catholic funeral if you succeed on your next attempt. OK? Thanks.

What? It's just underwear.


ENTRY #1614

: Happy Birthday, Altered Images
THE WORD: We love you, Mikey!

I pulled the plug on THE CRAIL CUTE DOG CONTEST because I didn't want to step on Don Brown's toes but as a farewell to my old exhausted unoriginal idea, the cutest dog to ever roam Gods green earth, Chick.

No, seriously, the honeymoon is really over.

Sonny, you're right, looks like your house is totally done. Also, now that we're close, I think I should tell you that you shouldn't work on your house in your Commes Des Garconne paint splash sweatshirt. That's for art shows.

Hersh! You don't have time to go to Magic Mountain today, take the post down.

Guns and assholes kill bears.


ENTRY #1613

: Keep It To Yourself, Queen Ifrica
THE PLACE: twitter
THE WORD: icing your knee

Reda, remember at that wedding when you made me cry then I wouldn't talk to you? Then at the Christmas party Rickk made us talk it out and agree that we were both wrong? That was awesome. After thinking about that, The Gav started that whole fight because he hired the limo that I drove in and he's the one that made me late. Nice going, Gav. It was only a wedding that I was suppose to read a passage out of the bible at.

It's not called WEDNESDAYS WITH WINSTON anymore, it's now called WHATEVER WINSTON.

Hey Tough Guy, are you choking? Just checking.

Third paragraph down, Spike. You were right.

This was how Sonny felt when he was a child.


ENTRY #1612

: Be Not Always, Jacksons
THE PLACE: this column

Wow, what a great idea. I wish I would have thought of that three years ago.

I hate when all that I'm trying to do is be a gold digger on a reality TV show and the producers don't screen the murderers out of my possible choices. You just aren't safe anywhere anymore. Be safer turning tricks in east Torrance.

Sonny got his thumb put back on. I'm sure when it heels we'll be right back where we started, in the emergency room. Just crash your bike, again, Sonny. All that blood was
a little much for my audience.

Jenkins is having an art show this weekend. I swear, Jenkins, if you don't show, I'll light your office on fire. And feed your kid so much sugar next time I take him to a Laker game.

When I see EA and Caranalag leaving for lunch together, it takes every ounce of strength not to cry. Cutest couple ever.



ENTRY #1611

: Dull Life, Yeah Yeah Yeahs
THE WORD: sure

Spike's right, 99.9% of the time, jocks ruin everything.

Have you ever been in a meeting with upper management and had someone say, "this is starting to feel like a bad porn"?. Maybe our meetings are different then yours. Hey Tough Guy, I thought there was no such thing as "bad" porn? (Total fitting in with the dudes here).

Wizard Ben, call me, I have an update on that legal matter I was working on for you, you know with Alex? That one?. (That sounds serious, right?).

Rickk is feeling better and Mikey is out of the hospital. Bunch of fucking little babies. I mean that in a totally nurturing way.

Sonny, I think this might be helpful to you.


ENTRY #1610

: How To Save A Life, The Fray
THE WORD: Me, Tough Guy, River, J and Transgender Hersh

Forget the bus if you want to gamble with your life.

Mikey's leaving the hospital. Thanks for packing up the van, Rckk and just leaving him in Montana. Touching move.

This was like a month before his suicide attempt at a wedding. You're going to tell me that Sonny wouldn't try to cut his own hand off for attention? Come on. And, he cut his
hand off that he doesn't need for work. Obvious!

Learn more about this lost orphan

You're a douche, now and forever. And if you spend a dime watching this guy, you're a secondary douche.


ENTRY #1609

: One More Time, Daft Punk
THE PLACE: this column

You saw the movies he made before you asked him to make Shrek or whatever the hell movie he made for you, you knew he was weird and emotionally fucked, don't play dumb. And the people in your legal department are annoying, there is no need to ask me my title several times. Unnecessary.

Looking for someone to travel with that can't spell and has a really shitty grasp on geography? You're welcome.

Here's Sonny a few days before he tried to commit suicide or just cut his hand off. You can clearly see the wheels turning and a plan being formed for more attention. Sad, Sonny. Really sad. And now you have Mikey pretending he has a poisonous spider bite for attention. Nice work, jerk.

Insincere piece of shit. That was the worst apology ever on 60 minutes last night. You're lucky the Humane Society is run by someone ignorant enough to sit in the same room as you. You rule at sucking.

Why does Thiebaud have to go on the Dew Tour? Just curious.


ENTRY #1608

: I Can't Drive 55, Sammy Hagar
THE PLACE: Wherever Rickk is
THE WORD: Insurance cost

Happy Birthday, Steve Martin.

Sonny still milking trying to cut his own hand off by staging photo shoots in the hospital. It's not your drawing hand, Sonny. Get out of bed and work.

Smyth! I thought we agreed you never take your eyes off Mikey when he's stretching? This photo was obviously taken before Mikey got bitten by a spider and ended up in the hospital. Get Well Soon, Mikey. Love you.



ENTRY #1607

: Waste Of Time, Snoop Dogg
THE PLACE: whatever
THE WORD: whatever

Jenkins' is such an art fag. He took a week off to "paint".

Mikey, I got these for you for your birthday. They'll be at your house when you get home. You're welcome. Love you.

WEDNESDAYS WITH WNSTON arrives on time. DuPont has found his muse, I like it.

Rickk, can you text Sonny and tell him to "Get Well Soon"?. He almost cut his own thumb off with an electric saw. I really love Sonny, he's super negative, but the lengths he goes to for attention are starting to get ridiculous. First he crashed his road bike and broke his collar bone, wore this huge brace around for months and months and now this? What next, Sonny, cut your own head off? Anyways, Rickk, can you text Sonny?


ENTRY #1606

: Who's Crying Now, Journey

Cool your jets, Callaway. The Bakery isn't opened until the end of the year. And it might not be Portland.

You can't sue us and expect Spike to take sides, movie company. He's going to pick us because when the chips were down, you guys were being dicks. You were unreasonable and scared and fucking jocks. No names mentioned.

This is why I don't build more cubicles. When the Fire Department tells you you can only fit so many people in the facility, you have to listen. Otherwise you end up with a prison riot. Level One would stomp Level Two in a riot. Tough Guy, not you but you are surrounded by some pretty emo company up there. In a true battle, EA and Hersh? Not so much. Especially when you see Eti and River coming up the back stairs. And Lu is no joke.

This looks like camping for babies. Baby and The Beast.


ENTRY #1605

: Crying, Roy Orbison
THE WORD: Mostly Spike

Tough Guy is tough but not too tough to visit some farm animals in his spare time. (Not in the Weinerschnitzel drive thru, right, Tough Guy?)

You know where this one is going, right? That's right, with the others in the file marked, "LAWSUIT".

So lame that I have to sue them for what they put me though, I truly love them.

Mikey, what time do you want to pick her up? And Feds, can you get her the tie dye Supers? Thanks guys.


ENTRY #1604

: Hazardous Waste, Negative FX & Last Rights
THE WORD: we're taking it to Pedro.

I saw in a business magazine that if you can manage people, you can do anything. So since I can do anything, I am going to move to Vegas and become a DJ. Callaway, can you come get me when any of these are a reality: 1) I have more then three calf tats 2) my new boyfriend is also a DJ and has tribal tats or 3) Rickk feels the move to Vegas is a good idea and moves there also? Thanks bud.

Mez, I don't watch any videos in your column unless someone tells me Rickk is in them. I can't believe The Gav can still skate! I couldn't tell if those tricks were hard and I could be wrong but Rickk looked way cooler doing them but Gav! I almost teared up! All I hear is that you can't skate at all. I wonder if Rickk and Mikey tell me that so I think they're better? Probably.

Leaving the "c" out so no one sees the side gig? You're good, Rickk.

This will be the healthiest moment on the entire trip.


ENTRY #1603

: U Got The Look, Prince
THE PLACE: next to Rickk in the van
THE WORD: Rugged

Who is that next to Rickk? Glen Campbell?

Looks like a good in store signing. Never seen it done at a poker table.

River, Tough Guy, Transgender Hersh, Callaway and I are going to learn to save your life. You're welcome.

Yesterday a crazy guy came into the front office and brought his bike in with him. River let a good 15 minutes go by before he decided he wanted to come out and help the three girls that were scared to death. So River has a 15 minute window just to see "what pans out" in a dangerous situation. Good to know.


ENTRY #1602

: Big Time, Peter Gabriel
THE PLACE: earth
THE WORD: Robinov

Maggots, jail time and bong hits? We're not as soft as you think we are.

Lu, I found you a room. An actor and a musician? Sounds like if you play your cards right, you could end up as an extra in a movie.

While on The Beauty and The Beast Tour, The Rick's, Rickk and Cranker, will be playing a game called THE JEFF SCAVENGER HUNT. They will need to accomplish the following list of chores while on the trip and if they do, they will get a tour of the Warner lot from Spike.
1. Documentation of one of The Beast side of the tour with "Robinov" written in sharpie on their shirt.
2. Documentation of "Robinov" spray painted on Frosty or Mikey's tent.
3. Documentation of"JR" carved in the trunk of a tree next to "WTWTA".
4. Documentation of "Robinov" on a poster that is at one of the autograph signings.
5. Documentation of a double thumbs down and the sound effect that goes with it AND the name "Robinov" included in the documentation.
Good luck, Rickk and Rick.

You know how I know we're going to win? Because I get this at the end of emails from my key employees:
"I'm typing this in the wienerschnitzl drive through..."

WEDNESDAYS WITH WINSTON gets a little more gangsta then I was ready for



ENTRY #1601

: I'm Scared, Beyonce
THE PLACE: you know

When Jason came into the office today, there were maggots on one of the trash cans. So good for our street cred. I thought he was being dramatic, you know, because he's a guy, but he was for real. If I ever come into the office and there's maggots, everyone that works at Girl should get their resume on Malakye.com. because I am just setting the place on fire. I mean, if you don't have it up on Malakye.com already. Or hit Thiebaud up, he won't let us know he's considering hiring you until after the interview. Or actually after the call back interview.

Spike thinks every catalog should come with a box of homemade cookies. See what they did to him? Fucking Hollywood. Maybe we'll just have them come with an Ipod and a convertible Mustang.

What's so gay about Rickk taking a bath with candles and his small dog on a towel next to him? Let him live.

Sure, why not.

DuPont, Step your game up.


ENTRY #1600

: All Mine, Portishead
THE PLACE: your territory
THE WORD: wah!

I'm laying off Theibaud. It's a long sad story he told me about his young son, a stuffed animal, a road side cry and lots of other stuff that was heart breaking. I'm letting Jim live for now. Hey, it could have been all lies, that's what he's awesome at, you've seen the case prices, but either way, tugged at the heart strings and involved a big stuffed tiger.

And what do I need Jim for when Spike is back. I mean "back". Using the word "juice" when talking to big wigs in Hollywood. And not like, "Hey do you like orange juice". Like this, "How can we get the most juice out of it". Awesome. Took me back to the first time I heard him use the word "organic". Oh, and do Spike a favor, talk to your kids more. Fucking lazy parents, afraid of the world.

Like a bitter chunky divorced lady in the mid west, I'm pretty sure that DuPont will branch off and have a site completely dedicated to his cat soon.


ENTRY #1599

: Yesterday, Paul McCartney
THE PLACE: earth
THE WORD: Bird's Birthday. Love you, bud.

Mihaly, I have good news and well, all good news. We're starting a magazine called The New Skateboard Mag. It's me, Spike and DuPont. Long story but all meetings are going to be held standing on top of our desks. You thought you were hanging loose going to weddings without a tie on? Wait until some months where we just don't go to print. Like the Titanic with no iceberg. (Mez, you can use that as a motto, no charge).

Gav, just call me for a ride, this is dangerous. And stop lying about your smoking.

Wizard Ben, I'm not coming up with these nicknames, just reporting them. Let me know if you want baseball confetti or just stick with the color theme of the Red Sox. This calls for an office decorating party.

Tough Guy, Hersh, Chuck, let's work this out. He'll be gone for two weeks. We need one week of decor celebrating the signing of Lamar and one week of decor celebrating one more cheater on the Red Sox.

Spike, I wouldn't worry about it, the guy had a pony tail for ten years but Thiebaud hates your movie trailer. That's one out of everyone else you know. Do the "dick" math, he's a dick.


ENTRY #1598

: Boys, Boys, Boys, Lady Gaga

Hey Wizard Ben, Guess what The Turnovers have in common with the Lakers? They just 2-peated, and we're going to, too. Congrats guys!

WEDNESDAYS WITH WINSTON is only for the deep thinkers.


ENTRY #1597

: My Life Would Suck Without You, Kelly Clarkson
THE PLACE: earth

Wizard Ben, I have good news and bad news. The good news is I heard the new Harry Potter movie is much darker then the previous ones. The bad news is, if Lamar doesn't sign with LA, we're decorating your office again when you leave for tour. Tough Guy, Hersh, Chuck, get your glitter ready.

Mikey, your birthday is right around the corner. Start making a list.

Hersh, this all but has your full name on the request for a buddy for the drive. I'll tell Sarah where you're at.


ENTRY #1596

: The Dull Flame of Desire, Bjork
THE PLACE: burning
THE WORD: my heart

Char's buying this for me. Just thought Rickk, Mikey and Spike would want to know. It delivers THREE shocks.

I think Carnalag must have gotten the job he interviewed for. (Remember he said he was going camping or something?). What a jerk, haven't ever been mean to the guy one time. I'm not begging you back, Jerry. I'm going to teach you a little tough love. And don't come to the holiday party or softball game. I'll have Herschel fight you. Or someone super scary.

I can't figure out how to end THE CRAIL CUTE DOG CONTEST. I might just do a photo shoot with Chick and make him the winner but here's another entry until I decide if changing the rules and cheating, like Thiebaud, is something I want this column associated with. This entry is Jack. That sweater makes him look like he has no body or that
he has a weight problem. He's cute from the neck up.


ENTRY #1595

: Ponytail, T-Bone Walker
THE PLACE: Jim's head
THE WORD: sassy!

When Jeremy takes the week off to work on his resume and interview with other companies, I send this column to Jenkins who posts if he feels like it or maybe doesn't. So I had the flu one day and the other days that weren't posted just meant Jenkins was not feelin' it. Whatever, Andy. How would you feel if I came upstairs and started showing you what to draw? Thought so. Post my shit, I'm a professional blogger. Google "blogger" and you'll see I'm serious.

Rickk, is her outfit a turn on?

That's all I have for you. Sorry.

(Ringer, I tried really hard to creatively edit your post, but I couldn't get myself to do it. —Jenks)

ENTRY #1594

: Fever, The Cramps
THE WORD: good times

WEDNESDAYS WITH WINSTON continues to be way over my head. I'm out with the in crowd.

THE CRAIL CUTE DOG CONTEST welcomes, The Gav's dog, Charlie. I thought he was cute until I read Tim's email where he wrote, "he eats his own poop". Good to know
we got someone in the circle of friends weirder then Mikey. Welcome to the competition, Charlie, don't think your chances are very good with your nickname being "Shit Breath".

I can't believe I update this column even when I have a fever. I just love this site. And skateboarding.

ENTRY #1593

: Up To No Good, Rancid
THE WORD: case discount

Once again, weird Rite Aid purchase on Wizard Ben's Amex. 43.88. Weirdo. Just so you know, Ben, that's more then we spent decorating your office when the Lakers won the world championship. Remember that? That was awesome.

Yesterday Rickk asked me if I liked the hat I was wearing. I had it on! Then he said, "I guess I just see a lot of kooks and hipsters wearing hats like that". First of all, Rickk, we are kooks and hipsters and second of all, don't take your anxiety about Thiebaud out on me. And Spike has a hat like the one I had on so you insulted both of us because of Jim.
Jim has caused so much destruction. Jerk.

THE CRAIL CUTE DOG CONTEST welcomes two dogs that could just win because they're family. These are my sister Sue's dogs, Bob and Bijou. They are both rescues. Bob, the one in the back eats anything my sister leaves on the counter and costs her about a mortgage payment each month in medical issues. But they're cute and I love them. So does everyone in my family. (Not).
Welcome to the competition, Bob and Bij!

ENTRY #1592

: Halo, Beyonce
THE WORD: why not?

Rickk, not sure you and Thiebaud have worked on your differences yet but I guess if you skate to Rancid in your next part he wouldn't talk shit on you. (Ty, put a post it on your computer, I know we are a little ways off). My business card should just say, "Fence Mender".

Spike is still a baby with a bad haircut. But he doesn't give a shit.

FRIDAYS WITH WINSTON is a new feature similar to WEDNESDAYS WITH WINSTON. DuPont, if you pay your bills like you send your content, you're deep in late fees

I think Keith Huf is twittering now. I'll keep you posted.

Yesterday we thought Chick and Hyphy could play together. Clearly Hyphy has issues. If anyone knows of a service that performs exorcisms on dogs, Chick would appreciate it. It's one thing when Mikey has a scarf on and is acting like a total bitch but his dog is another "animal". Look at the photo, totally normal, just like dad.


ENTRY #1591

: Playa Hater, Notorious B.I.G.
THE WORD: Short for James

Rickk, I am going to just let you and Thiebaud handle it but I tried to string together the texts Jim sent me last night which were curse ridden and one of them just said, "Fuck you a million times". But from what I gather from re-reading our exchange, he hated Fully Flared and the song you chose. Sorry. Keep in mind, I had to go back through dozens of texts and there was so much name calling that I could have gotten the facts a little mixed up, but I think I am spot on as usual. You two should talk, he seems like he's a little bit of a fucker. Maybe he just hates Canadians, probably hates McCrank too. Or maybe just everyone named Rick?

Hersh, the photo was pretty popular yesterday so I had to bring it back. Some people wanted to know if you were trying to look like Peppermint Patty and others wanted to know if your parents were letting you undergo a sex change. Or did you undergo a sex change? That would be awesome. If you want, I can officially only refer to you as "Transgender Hersh" in my column. Let me know. In fact, knowing The Desert Twins, I might have just changed your name. Jeremy loves a degrading nickname. Actually, throw Chuck, Tough Guy and River in there, too. They also love a good nickname. We use to call someone that worked here "Crabmeat". I mean, they did, not we did.

I want a response from Detroit.

Guess who's birthday it is today? That's right, the OG small dog of all of us that jumped on the small dog trend once we saw Paris Hilton with one. Happy 7th Birthday, Chick. You are the cutest animal on Gods green earth but I tell you that every night before I tuck you in. Big hug.


ENTRY #1590

: Vida La Vida, Coldplay
THE WORD: We're gay

You know how you meet people and they are so cool you know at some point in their life they weren't cool? Not true with Hershel. From the looks of this photo, been pretty cool his entire life. I mean, as if when you were 10 you knew how cool it would be to get a lesbian haircut? I don't think so.

I know the entire line was over your head for the last 8 years but buy a t-shirt just to pretend like you get it. It's cool to "get it".

Rickk, Thiebaud emailed me that he was actually starting to hate me. He wants to be in the column, he doesn't want to be in the column, what a chick, make up your mind. And wait until you hear who he compared our company to. It all made me sad. Will you fight him? Or just open hand slap him? Thanks, I appreciate it.

THE CRAIL CUTE DOG CONTEST welcomes a little less "foofy" dog. This is Enzo Wayne, not sure what kind of dog he is but I like him. Mostly because I think his owner has a Ferrari and everyone knows that insane. Chuck will vote for this dog because he looks like a police dog. Welcome to the competition, Enzo.


ENTRY #1589

: Snitch, Lil' Wayne
THE PLACE: Rickk's ear

No more ragging on Thiebaud in this column. In fact, unless The Mez decides to utter his snitchy little name, there will be no more Thiebaud on Crailtap period. That's right, FULL BAN. He tried to go to Rickk and see what he could do about me talking about him and his wheel prices (which are cheater style low) in my column and see if Rickk could talk to me. Cheating is one thing but I am pretty sure Feds said it best when he said, "snitches is for bitches". And really Jim, what do you think Rickk could do? Fire me? That's actually hilarious. BANNED.

UFC 100 was really fun to watch until Brock Lesnar won the heavy weight match and had to mention he was going to "get on his wife later". Sickening. I just about had Mettee on the UFC bandwagon when that lard ass monster blurted that out.

THE CRAIL CUTE DOG CONTEST is alive and well with an entry from Deluxe. This entry is from Jon at Deluxe who seems to not think his co-workers dog who was an earlier entry is really not that regal at all. Jon, I like what you named your dog and your kid, nice work, And they're both really cute. And Elliot is a regal name. I guess if you're a "John" without the "h" you just end up regal. Like Buscemi. This isn't relevant to your standings in the competition but do you have a pink couch? That doesn't seem regal. Welcome to the competition, Bailey.


ENTRY #1588

: Thank You, Led Zeppelin
THE WORD: oh, you know.....

I am trying to decide if I should go to the UFC after party at Prive in Vegas. Kidding. Sort of. Am. Not.

If you stay at home during the day, you'll see lots of commercials about selling your old gold jewelry. That during an episode of Cops really makes you miss the plant. I've also realized I can become a nurse or a sheriff. Gotta get back to the office.

WEDNESDAYS WITH WINSTON gets posted on Thursday. Isn't that ironic? Frosty, didn't you introduce me to DuPont? Or was that Ty? One of you needs to sit him down and talk to him about how we have a limited group of people that we start shit with: Thiebaud and, wow, I think just Thiebaud.

Speaking of Twitbaud, looks like The Mez knows where his bread is buttered when it came to building those brackets. Twitbaud, twitter that you're fighting a losing battle. Then go blow some wheels out. Volume, volume, volume.

I just got a text from Mikey. I think Rickk's making a comeback. Please please let him pull into the parking lot tomorrow in a shocking blue Integra with Led Zeppelin on full volume.


ENTRY #1587

: Big Take Over, Bad Brains
THE WORD: Not Portland

Chuck, Tough Guy, River and Savanna have a "Sandwich Club" that started with some bread, lunch meat and condiments. I went to get some water today and noticed the club now has it's own basting brush to put the proper amount of butter on the bread because the club now owns it's own panini machine. That's how we do it around here, we start simple and fancy the fuck out of things.

THE CRAIL CUTE DOG CONTEST continues with an entry from Andrew at Deluxe. His dog is more regal looking then cute but he's in the competition because he has such a serious name. His name is Hecate Aurora Grampian. Very serious and pure bred. Just so you know, Andrew, Chick's mom and dad had three names, too. And Andrew, keep your dog away from Jim. He'll teach him dirty tricks.


ENTRY #1586

: Rock With You, Michael Jackson
THE PLACE: Staples
THE WORD: Rest In Peace

When I get a Request for Time Off and it says, "Time to Hoe it Up in Havasu", I know it isn't from Jenkins.

DuPont, let's go "soft" this week with Winston. I'm feeling a little emo.

Is THE CRAIL CUTE DOG CONTEST even still going on?

Did you wonder if Mikey was mixing it up with the cool kids and future directors on 4th of July? As if he wasn't.


ENTRY #1586

: 4th of July, U2
THE PLACE: Roosevelt Hotel
THE WORD: Mikey and Spencer Pratt. Awesome

Is it asking too much for people to not screw in our parking lot? Look between Chuck's sweet ride and the parking block? Come on people, that 's what behind the dairy is for.

You should have heard Thiebaud explaining his discount structure for wheels last night. Holy sales pitch. There was a split second in the conversation when I believed the bullshit that was coming out of his mouth. Awesome stuff. Go Spitfire!

We have one payment left on the van so I asked Rick if it was in good condition. He presented this video to which I said, "What's with the open containers" and then he said, "are you serious, that thing is a bar on wheels". Filed where? That's right, with the lawsuit evidence.


ENTRY #1585


I'm not posting today. But if you want Spitfire wheels, call Deluxe. Jim has all kinds of deals he can put together. He's a good guy. Twittering and dealing. That's what he does.


ENTRY #1584

: Doing a Real Good Job, The Tejas Brothers
THE PLACE: Near EA's dog, Preston
THE WORD: Rickk's a jerk

Rickk shot a bottle rocket at EA's dog. Way to keep employees interested in staying with the firm. Just so you know, Rickk, If I ever have to choose between you or EA or Carnalag, get yourself some mittens, you're headed back to your people. Jerk.

Spike's coming back to the USA for the 4th of July. I didn't know it was emo to be a patriot. That's awesome. Fuckin' USA, Jonzey.

Remember when Bird use to be more fun then me?

WEDNESDAYS WITH WINSTON is just confusing. I would like to say that this column is like owning a gallery and I can't design all of the "art".


ENTRY #1583

: Not Today, Mary J Blige
THE WORD: post


ENTRY #1582

: Halo, Beyonce
THE WORD: Suck it, ok. I just like the song, there doesn't always have to be some reason why I put the song there.

My eye has been twitching for almost 3 hours. If you have a voodoo doll and are fucking around with my eye, seriously, stop. It's super annoying.

Mikey and I just had a talk and he said three different things were, "kind of weird, right". It's all weird, Mikey, everything except you.

THE CRAIL CUTE DOG CONTEST welcomes the little sister of last weeks entry, Harley. Today we welcome to the competition another one of Chuck's dogs. And this one has a middle name, too. Trixie Jo, so cute, we let her owner have two entries. And Chuck's boyfriend carries a gun so that will get you a pass to send in double entries.

We were having a meeting and Rickk popped in from a game of skate then had to leave to finish the game. This is why we're winning.


ENTRY #1581

: The Way You Make Me Feel, Michael Jackson
THE WORD: Rest In Peace

Is it lame if I remember the words to my high school fight song? I mean aren't we kind of a "jocky" company? I heard someone said that about us. And when I say "us" I mean everyone but me, EA and accounting. Mostly I mean Rickk, Frosty, Tough Guy and River. But those are four of my favorite people so who cares, maybe next week I'll post the lyrics to the Warrior Fight Song? Maybe not? OK, let's all think about it, wouldn't want to ruin this column.

I have a folder marked "EVIDENCE" for when I sue Rickk, Mikey and Spike for all sorts of things that I've suffered here. This photo can't hurt my case, I'll drop it in that folder.

Yeah, good luck guys. Especially when that one comes after this one.

The three of you should just get together and start talking "settlement" right now. Mikey, I would like to leave you out of it, you're sweet and I truly
love you but we're a team. Or you guys are a team. Something like that. And to be honest, I really love Rickk and Spike, too but lawsuits are lawsuits so

Seeing Wizard Ben everyday is going to remind me that we're the World Champion Los Angeles Lakers all summer. Welcome back, Ben. I mean that.

THE CRAIL CUTE DOG CONTEST welcomes a really really cute dog that is loved so much, his mom gave him a middle name. This is Harley James. He's Chuck's dog and she claims he's staring into the ocean in this photo. Ocean gazing or not, he's pretty cute. Welcome to the competition, Harley.


ENTRY #1580


Taken the day off in honor of George Michael's birthday.


ENTRY #1579

: At Last, Etta James
THE WORD: Wednesday

Carnahan is looking for a job again. His time off form this time first said he was going camping then it said he was going to the beach and then it said just to have "fun in the sun". I'm planning on kidnapping his dog if he quits so I don't have to go through what I did last time. The begging was exhausting. Don't list me as a reference, Jerry. I'll tell them you're moody and have an unhealthy attachment to one of our other designers.

THE CRAIL CUTE DOG CONTEST welcomes back a contender from our first competition, Bella. Bella went on Lu's whirlwind tour of the world with her when she tried to
ditch us. I should eliminate her from the competition for that but I won't. Welcome to the competition, Bella. Watch out for Harley and Trixie.

Mikey, your car is about to be that "old Beemer". Sucks for the the cool guy.

WEDNESDAYS WITH WINSTON just got a whole lot sexier.


ENTRY #1578

: 99 Problems, Jay-Z
THE WORD: that numbers low......

Mikey wants to go see the Beastie Boys in September. When did we all get so dorky? Remember when we were cool? It was a long time ago. And speaking of dorky, today I changed my shirt because I thought Sam and Mikey would talk about it behind my back. Jerks.

DuPont watched The Bachelorette at a pub in Carlsbad last night. Sweet balance, Lee.

On this day in 1993, Lorena Bobbit cut off her husbands wiener. I know, but look at the shit The Mez puts in his column.

THE CRAIL CUTE DOG CONTEST is asking for any last stragglers to send in their entries. Chuck? Lu? You guys don't even love your dogs enough to email me a photo? Chuck, you took the time to deliver a Hoff paper doll to my office. Get on it. Today's entry is Scrappy. He's cute but he's being eliminated because of the scary hairy arms of the guys he's laying on and he could be totally naked under there. So welcome Scrappy, you're awfully cute but your owner needs photo shop.


ENTRY #1577

: The Boys Are Back in Town, Thin Lizzy
THE WORD: the boys

Yep, I did know it was Go Skateboarding Day yesterday, Mikey called me to wish me a Happy Go Skateboarding Day.


ENTRY #1576

: When Doves Cry, Prince
THE WORD: Wednesday's With Winston, Lee?

Wizard Ben, I know this proverbial train has left the station and the Laker celebration is over but I wanted you to know that I noticed that there was purple and gold glitter in my flip flops that I tracked out of your office. That was pretty cool to see that. Oh, and Obama called Phil Jackson to tell him congratulations on his tenth championship. Oh, and Kobe was part of the parade on Main Street at Disneyland and all the Mickey Mouse balloons were purple and gold. Wait, I might be totally wrong, this celebration isn't over.

How much do you want to bet, about five minutes after the photo was taken, Rickk hit the kayaker with a rock then turned to Malto and made that "ooops" face? Spike's favorite face.

THE CRAIL CUTE DOG CONTEST pays homage to another sweet dog that recently passed. This dog is more pretty then cute. Rest in Peace, Lacey.


ENTRY #1575

: Celebrate, Three Dog Night
THE PLACE: Ben's Office
THE WORD: World Champion Los Angeles Lakers

Wizard Ben, your office looks truly Magical. We miss you.

ENTRY #1574

: What A Sight To Behold, Tim Hensley
THE PLACE: Wizard Ben's Office
THE WORD: Gorgeous

WEDNESDAYS WITH WINSTON just made Mikey's month.

Spike played guitar while he talked to me today and said this, "it's a nice sunny day in London, really warm....". Emo is still in, right? It's not? Well doesn't he have enough street cred to bring it back?

I am not checking twitter but that doesn't mean Mikey won't keep me updated on their every move.
Rickk in the airport wearing shoes that are a little sporty for him.

And relaxing in his signature plaid wearing shoes that are a bit more "Rickk".


ENTRY #1573

: In Your Eyes, Peter Gabriel
THE PLACE: Atiba's heart
THE WORD: The best basketball player on the face of the earth.

This photo was on the cover page at NBA.com. Not sure how much they rotate the opening page so I had to grab Atiba making googley's at Kobe. The good thing is Atiba, you didn't do anything the rest of us wouldn't have done. Rickk would have been humping him.

Hey Wizard Ben, we're not going small time with your office this year. Oh no, my little Celtic, we're laying plans. Miss you.

Gav, I have good news and bad news. The good news is I made up with Winston, not DuPont, Winston. The bad news is, you have to figure out a way to thrill The Mez again because between Chick and Winston, this column went cute. Good luck, buddy.

And Winston's uncle is a UFC fighter. He's cute and his uncle chokes people out, how can't I go Winston?

THE CRAIL CUTE DOG CONTEST already posted this dog but with The Mez traveling and not checking his email like a good assistant (in fact, you're fired The Mez. Just as my assistant, you can still keep your job working for Rickk and Mikey) we are having to re-post an earlier entry. I have a feeling you don't think your dog is that cute, Chris. Why would you send a second entry? Worried the first one wasn't really cute? Me, personally, I've never seen a bad photo of my dog? And stop posing your dog, Chris, he's going to turn out like one of those bratty beauty queen kids. He is cute, though.


ENTRY #1572

: We Are The Champions, Queen
THE WORD: Lakers!

Maybe Shaq should twitter and let us know how Kobe's ass tastes. Fat goof.

The Gav called today concerned that his coverage on The Tap seems to have slipped. I knew you come crawling to me, Gav, once you realized that The Mez falls in love with someone new every two years. You don't hear about Burnett anymore, right? Over him. What about Alex Klein? Over him. It was just a matter of time. But with The Mez kicking you to the curb lining up with DuPont and I no longer getting along, you're in luck. And I forgot how cool your car was with that logo on it. Glad you're back, Timmy.

THE CRAIL CUTE DOG CONTEST welcomes another Canadian entry that is quite cute but comes in with a huge disadvantage, he's the same breed as Chick. This is Parker, cute and Canadian but the other judges of this competition have seen Chick so he's up against some heavy odds.

He's a total cutey until I show you this, the cutest dog on the face of the planet; Chick, you devil. You're cuteness is evil.

Hey Wizard Ben, I got this response in an email to something regarding your cubicle: abso-freakin-lutley!
See you next week, buddy.

I think Smyth is in agreement with me that Spike's voice is way too nasally sometimes. The updates from Mikey are amazing. Wizard Ben, someone's gunning for your job and I think he has the power to fire you. The good news is, Ben, your head band is almost done. I found a really soft leather.


ENTRY #1571

: He's on My Team, Ari Gold
THE PLACE: my team
THE WORD: Rickk and Mikey

Sometimes when you have a bad day, it's good to get a photo of Rickk from the V.P., Mikey. You two are sweet. Spike, step up, you're in a deep third place spot right now.

WEDNESDAYS WITH WINSTON are on a temporary hold until DuPont and I can have a power meeting. Winston's jumping out of the window, Lee is stealing people's identity, his wife is selling candles and has no idea her household has gone awry. Not to worry, Winston's suicide attempt didn't work but regardless we need to get a grip on things.

Hey EA, Carnalag looks sad. You should send him a photo or something. He misses you, you can see it in his posture.


ENTRY #1570

: One Little Victory, RUSH
THE PLACE: Orlando
THE WORD: Big deal

Frosty, can you do me a favor? Now that you're all tight with Nike? See if you can get them to pull those puppet commercials? Puppets are a very very daring endeavor. They either work really well, like in Being John Malkovich, or they don't work at all, say like with muppet looking ones that are suppose to be NBA stars. Thanks Frosty. And Congrats on the shoe deal. Love you tons, buddy.

Speaking of Frosty, his in-laws have been visiting so he has toned down the photographs of the television. When I asked him if he had any new goo ones, this is what he sent. Eric, can you go back to NBA coverage? This is not what I was looking for. Thanks Bud.

You know what sucks? The same photos that Mikey is sending me with sweet little personal messages, he is also twittering. Not cool, Mikey. Not cool at all. I might have to put you at a higher "shit head" rating then Rickk or Spike at the moment. You know you hardly ever surpass them so you know I'm pissed. So this would be for Jenkins (non twitterer) and not for Thiebaud (can't stop twittering). Rickk, you're so fricking cute.

Spike, I hope Warner doesn't read this column because wouldn't they be irritated to know that you're going to Berlin with the Fourstar team rather then putting the final touches on the movie? Your assistant told me you were going in case you were wondering how I found out. Does this whole paragraph seem passive aggressive? OK, then I'm doing my job.

Hey DuPont, just change your cats name to Thurston. That way we can do Thursdays with Thurston. Slacker.


ENTRY #1569

: Our Team, The Beach Boys
THE WORD: Jenkins!

Welcome back to the real world, Jenks. Eat one, Facebook and Twitter.

The European Fourstar tour is going well. Here's The Mez and Rickk enjoying Sweden. If you look in the background, that's Wizard Ben, not taking photos. Weird. Rickk, your hair looks sort of fluffy but it goes with those white shoes your wearing.


ENTRY #1568

: A Little Different, Ming and Ping
THE PLACE: Lu's thigh
THE WORD: oh, that kind of cock.....

Mikey, is the cock on Lu's thigh as big as you thought?

THE CRAIL CUTE DOG CONTEST welcomes an over weight dog named French. Not Mr. French, just French. The owner had to have the vet tell him his dog was fat. Guess he doesn't have many friends, your true friends would tell you this dog was fat. But he's cute. Welcome to the competition, French. We're not going to keep you out of the running because you're over weight.

DuPont, let's get editing that Winston piece before you start your party binge. It's half as funny when we post it on Thursday. Except to Mikey. We could post it on Sunday and he'd stll be pretty stoked. Edit one to Lady Gaga and you won him for life.

I like when Rickk and Spike text from Europe to see how I'm doing at the plant. No, really, I do. I don't harbor any feelings of resentment towards them. Hope you're having fun in the rain, pals.


ENTRY #1567

: Bring On The Dancing Horses, Echo & The Bunnymen
THE WORD: Why not?

THE CRAIL CUTE DOG CONTEST welcomes a really cute little fluffy dog named Teddy. He could take the gold. It's also cool that he's named after one of Alex and Mikey's favorite clubs. Welcome to the competition, Teddy.

Not through a Twitter, I was alerted that Thiebaud's young son will perform a routine at school to Lady Gaga. Well the acorn didn't fall far from that tree. If dad is riding a "stairmaster" to stay fit....well, you can see how this goes. Either way, I think Mikey and I both agree, young Thiebaud is on the right track. Poker Face, Jim, poker face.

DuPont, my comrades said you officially crossed the line yesterday. I might get fired. I've been trying to get fired since early 2001. I'll split my severance pay with Winston, he can buy more blow.

Ben, great bet we made. I think it will be awesome to see you in the Sasha leather head band. Are you about a 7 5/8" hat? Want it to be a good fit, you'll have it on all day.


ENTRY #1566

: Every Breath You Take, The Police
THE PLACE: Twitter
THE WORD: Tell us!

Char? I'm thinking this same sort of theme for the "Father Figure" boat? We may not need Tough Guy? This theme could be just what the doctor ordered to get George Michael on board.

WEDNESDAYS WITH WINSTON sometimes drags into Thursday. Looks like Lee is doing a wonderful job of parenting. Pills, coke, alcohol. Winsotn will be the first cat on the the show Intervention.

Speaking of DuPont, we had our first fight. He claims if I don't twitter, he can't tell when I am leaving the building, etc. and in turn can not get me his master piece for the week of Winston. He has a point but it also made me want to extend an apology to Thiebaud. Now I see why you post that completely inane information, like, "warming up the car, SF gets chilly over night". So people at the office can just check your twitter and you don't have to call everyone. My bad, Thiebaud. Keep up the good work. Those posts are boring but they serve a purpose. I think.


ENTRY #1565

: Get Ready, The Temptations
THE WORD: Hot Butter Knife, Spike!

Hey Sanger, and even if you were invited to London you wouldn't be going anyway, poser baby non-updating goof ball flake. (I'm sorry for all the name calling but you had it coming).

DuPont and I are seriously like close friends. Like, if I was a dude and I was getting married, he'd be like an usher or something and totally at my bachelor party where we had strippers that none of the guys would get lap dances from.

THE CRAIL CUTE DOG CONTEST sometimes has to remind people to not enter kangaroos in the competition. This is a kangaroo from Canada named Millie. Even being Canadian won't get us to bend the rules.

Tough Guy is getting in shape so once we buy a boat that we're naming "Father Figure", George Michael will want to come out with us because he is so hunky. If he can't get in shape, we think we can get him to hang out by possibly bringing coke on the boat. Keep you posted or look for us that Coast Guard reality show.


ENTRY #1564

: Enough For Now, The Fray

If I talked you into getting a Prius, there is a small chance I won't be in your car club anymore. I know that you might think this is a cowardly way to tell you but we're all too busy to call a meeting and keep in mind I did say that merging into traffic in the Prius was a huge gamble. And you guys all still have each other, you'll be fine. I do like the idea that I might be in Mikey's car club......

You know how you know this column is about to take a fall? I'm about to issue an apology to DuPont for just lopping him in with the other goofs that weren't entering the CRAIL CUTE DOG CONTEST properly. Sorry Lee, that's not right. Especially when you kept it confidential about who got a lap dance when you were up north with everyone. I have no idea who got one. No idea at all. For all I know, none of you even went into an establishment where women were dancing nude. Either way, I'm sorry Lee, I got carried away. You're not "one of them".

THE CRAIL CUTE DOG CONTEST welcomes Giza and Petra and that cute mountain man in the front, that's MJ. This column just keeps getting cuter. What next? Lakai insoles with Chick printed on them? (Bird, you can have that idea, no charge).

Spike, I'm not coming to London. I know, I know, but once I saw the tour poster, they left my name off so screw all of you. Call me, though, I'll meet you in NY.


ENTRY #1563

: London Calling, The Clash
THE WORD: Gang of Fourstar
(See Mez, I promote the company, too)

How long is it going to take until I am no longer uncomfortable with "business slang"? One time in a meeting with Rick and Spike, this guy was telling us to test them out and he said, "dance with us before you date us". What? On Friday I was meeting with our trademark attorney and this guy in his office said, "thats when the grenade hits the metal pond". What the fuck? I have no idea what that means so I did what I always do, nodded and said, "exactly".

THE CRAIL CUTE DOG CONTEST welcomes the dog of Chris Nieratko. Chris tried the same trick as Bob K, putting a cute baby in the photo with the dog but instead of a cute baby, put himself. The dog is cute and it's name is Benny but we're calling him Chris since Chris and his wife are both named Chris. You're a contender, Chris (the dog, Chris).


ENTRY #1562

: One More Time, Daft Punk

Sanger, those are not flames under The Bird Man's arms, those are wings, silly! He's The Bird Man.
Kelly Bird, I want to apologize that I have to call someone else Bird Man in this column, you truly are the only Bird Man. Well, if you don't count your wife who can drink for three nights straight back to back. That could truly make her the new Bird Man.

THE CRAIL CUTE DOG CONTEST is really bugging me. People send entries with no names, Dupont (yeah, that's what I'm calling him now) sends in his friends dog with panties on his head talking about how crazy SD gets in the summer. It's just a photo and the name of the cute dog. Lewman knows how it works. This is Tilly. She's cute. She's entered.

Thiebaud, you know Chris Nieratko, right? Do you have a twittering logo? He mentioned you might. Let me know, that is even gayer then just twittering.


ENTRY #1561
5/27/09 and 1/2

WEDNESDAYS WITH WINSTON should arrive earlier in the morning. But regardless of when it gets here, it's always endearing.


ENTRY #1561

: It's A Must, Rakim and Rahzel
THE PLACE: Staples
THE WORD: Please......

Not everyone in the building is a basketball fan, some of us are hockey fans. Tough Guy sent me this photo and asked, "Who the fuck is this guy". I like the tattoo on his left arm, the Chinese symbol for "shit head". Probably twitters. Ako, Atiba, I'll pay for the tattoo if one of you will get "11". Dare you.

Here's people that work at The Skateboard Mag that smoked a lot of pot in the 80's and 90's:
Kevin Wilkins
Weird, short list.

I'm going to start using the word "tight". I felt like I should let people know so they were ready when it hits the streets. I think Mikey and Spike will like it but Rickk won't. Until I use it in reference to something about his skating, then he'll be on board. And The Mez said "It's a little more hip hop" then using "gnarly". That guy is so soft, I love it.

THE CRAIL CUTE DOG CONTEST welcomes Brodie. I was going to eliminate him because I don't think it's cool to put a denim Harley Davidson hat on your dog but it's not his fault. You've seen the crap Mikey puts on poor helpless Hyphy, you can't blame the dog. And I think Brodie would look a lot cuter without the hat.


ENTRY #1560

: Something Against You, Pixies
THE PLACE: earth

Congratulations to the Larson Crew on the arrival of their baby girl this past weekend. Can't wait to meet baby Bowie Grace Larson.

I have good news and bad news, Mez. I am fully retiring as The Ringer in December but I found a replacement. No, not Lee, Winston. By Decemmber Lee will have taught him to type. It will be the world through a kittens eyes . Well, a kitten influenced by Lee. Could get weird.

Women's Jiu Jitsu, Thiebaud? Is that anything like men's twittering? Not as gay? That's what I thought. Nor Cal sissy. And while we're talking sissy's, The Mez asked me if it was ok to post that response to that question before he did it. Let's check the score, Women's Jiu Jitsu 2, Nor Cal sissy's 0.

THE CRAIL CUTE DOG CONTEST just wanted to let you know that if you don't put your dogs name, they can't be in the contest. Today's entry is Bob K's dog, Frankie. As you can see, Bob tried cheating by including a precious and really really cute baby in the photo.


ENTRY #1559

: Long May You Run, Neil Young
THE PLACE: heaven
THE WORD: Murphy

THE CRAIL CUTE DOG CONTEST pays tribute today to Murphy. Murphy passed away yesterday, he was the beloved buddy of one of our most beloved buddies, Nate from Val Surf. Rest In Peace, Murphy. You'll always be darn cute.

Thiebaud, when you use exclamation points, I can tell the coffee was really good. Nice twittering buddy, when twitter starts giving out awards, clear your mantle. You'll need room.

And Mikey, good luck with Rickk and Spike. I am sure they will totally take as good of care of you as I have. Totally. I wouldn't worry about a thing.


ENTRY #1558

: You Blew It Baby, John Lee Hooker
THE PLACE: twitter
THE WORD: Carroll

WEDNESDAYS WITH WINSTON sometimes comes through late on Thursday. I'm not shocked that he makes coffee or drinks it but the fact that he craps the Girl logo is pretty cool.

THE CRAIL CUE DOG CONTEST welcomes Kaya. This is the dog of Housel in our sales wing of the building. The dog is cute but more importantly, how many of those plants near that tree are weed?

When I'm not doing this column, I'm pretty much just helping decide on board graphics? Right Mez? Cool that I do this column, board graphics and bonus'.


ENTRY #1557

: Don't Let Me Down, Twisted Sister
THE PLACE: Staples
THE WORD: Lakers

Hey Atiba, who was your team last night? Lakers? First quarter was it the Nuggets? Let me know.

THE CRAIL CUTE DOG CONTEST sometimes put dogs in the running just because the photo is so cute. This dog could be skin diseased from the head down but the photo is so cute that she's a contender. Her name is mimi and she has nice taste in linens.

Searcy, Bird, I think you both owe The Megan's an apology. Mahi Mahi is sort of a dolphin. Sort of not.

Mahi Mahi - A fish, also known as dolphinfish. Though mahi mahi is a type of dolphin, it is not a mammal. Mahi mahi is a firm, flavorful fish, excellent grilled or broiled


ENTRY #1556

: Here We Go, P.O.D.
THE WORD: Birdman

(Sorry I forgot to post a SONG,PLACE and WORD yesterday. When Rick brought it up, you would have thought I had set the skatepark on fire).

I remember, like two years ago, when I would always be like, "I wonder if Thiebaud is at Starbucks" or "I wonder if Theibaud ate chicken today". Fuck, so thankful for twitter. So thankful.

There was a time when Bird not only had the bad temper but was chubby and wore lots of "athletic wear". But he could palm a basketball.

THE CRAIL CUTE DOG CONTEST welcomes Oscar, really cute and has a really cute name. Sometimes I like people just because they have cute dog names. Like Spike. Welcome Oscar, you're seriously cute, no seriously.

Mikey dodged getting his ass kicked by an Irishman from SD but then just jumped right back into the fire with this. Maybe you won't get your ass kicked but you might get some other stuff done to it in the big house.
From Mikey "Since you guys are sooo uptight. I guess I can get Hyphy to do it"!

From Lee:

California (Penal Code Section 286.5 "Crime Against Nature" - Misdemeanor)
Any person who sexually assaults any animal protected by Section 597f for the purpose of arousing or gratifying the sexual desire of the person is guilty of a misdemeanor.


ENTRY #1555


THE CRAIL CUTE DOG CONTEST welcomes another contestant from the mean streets of LA, Squeak. This dog is cute but he looks like he could get really mad and be really mean. Nothing wrong with that, I do the same thing.

Our employees are hotter then yours, from EA to Lulabelle. We're just a hot company.

Mikey's formal apology to Lee, Winston and The Ringer:
To all parties involved,
I would like to formally apologize, actually I'm being forced to with threats of violence but... I was sent a link of something that was a trick that I would have loved to see little Winston do so on a Wednesday so I passed it on to the involved parties. I never intended for anyone to view it as a comparison to the notorious "two girls and a cup" video. It was just that I wanted to see that nice young limber furry pussy Winston do a trick with one of it's nice young friends. I am so so sorry.



ENTRY #1554

: Freeze Frame, J. Geils Band
THE PLACE: Landry on Odom
THE WORD: Screensaver

(I guess my assumption about his value of our friendship being bigger then a sports match was funny).

It would have been cool if Mikey and I could have gotten into Slayer or something but we didn't. Sorry. We're into this chick.

THE CRAIL CUTE DOG CONTEST obviously can't give the prize to a Celtics fan. Look how cute Ben's dog is? Can you believe his owner is a Celtics fan? Sorry buddy, you're owner cost you the pageant.

But the contest is THE CRAIL CUTE DOG CONTEST and not only is this dog damn cute, it's name is Cochi. Cochi must mean "really cute" in another language.

Sad to say that Lee has been forced to bring legal action against Mikey after Mikey sent this sick and demeaning video to Lee and said it reminded him of WEDNESDAYS WITH WINSTON. Stick to apples, Mikey. Winston's a kitten for God sake. I agree with Lee when he gave you your new nickname, "Sick Fuck".


ENTRY #1553

: Watch Me, Jay Z and Dr. Dre
THE PLACE: everywhere
THE WORD: everything

THE CRAIL CUTE DOG CONTEST welcomes Preston. You should all be glad the judging isn't based on the owner and the dog because Preston is EA's dog and he is the "cute" on level two of this place. And Preston is just plain handsome.

You twitter because you have no soul. "Look at what I'm doing, who I'm doing, who I'm with, who I know, what I'm buying.....". Gay. Gay Gay. Smyth, hold out, you said you would.

Spike is still in London, still working on that one movie. Seriously, Jonzey, don't fuck around with the release of that thing. We have a deck series coming out and if you don't market as planned, we're screwed. Warner who?


ENTRY #1552


Guest Twitterer? OK, cool. No, seriously, that is really cool.

I can't tell where I stand with Bird. Houston beat us the other night without Yao so I figured he would send me a shitty email or text but I think he has decided he values our friendship more then a sports team. I should like this but it worries me. Really liked the consistency of that dude.

THE CRAIL CUTE DOG CONTEST welcomes the dog of Rudy Johnson. He's a contender mostly because Rudy enters him in with the cone on. Welcome to The Tap, Patches.

WEDNESDAYS WITH WINSTON goes dark. This cat needs a show, Tremaine.


ENTRY #1551

: The Boss, Diana Ross

"One of my best friends is also, technically, my boss. As the years pile up this becomes more and more awkward. It shouldn't, and I believe both of us feel this way, but, for some reason we defy reason. Friendships require maintenance and I'm not very good at personal mechanics. She'll probably read this and agree".

Hey Jenkins, you're not good at personal mechanics and your memory is shot. I'm not your boss or I would have fired your ass the fifth time you gave me 24 hours before you were going away for two weeks. I'm your friend. That's why I text you from time to time just to let you know that I love you. Cuz I do. Tell your buddies at Monster Children you have a correction to post, I tell you that not as your boss, just a friend with good personal mechanics. Love you.


ENTRY #1550

: Exhausted, Foo Fighters
THE WORD: always

Smyth, can you move the snack machine upstairs? If I hear one more person shaking it because their "snack" got stuck

THE CRAIL CUTE DOG CONTEST accepts one last entry from Atiba the cheater only because Melo is so cute. And because when I run things into the ground, people send me pissed off emails.

What's gayer? Rickk's outfit when he comes to the office in the spring months or Mikey documenting it?


ENTRY #1549

: Big Take Over, Bad Brains
THE PLACE: your mind
THE WORD: go for it

THE CRAIL CUTE DOG CONTEST accepts a photo-shopped entry of one of the cutest dogs ever, Carmelo. Come on, Atiba, it snowed in LA?
Poor Melo, owned by a cheater.

Hey Sanger, with Bob K out of the picture, looks like I could buy a good amount of booze. Start posting, chump.


ENTRY #1548

: Guard Your Grill, Naughty By Nature
THE PLACE: Houston
THE WORD: Rockets

Sanger, one or two word posts are legal if you post regularly. Grab the bloggers handbook from your boss (or my assistant), The Mez. You're slacking and cheating. Choose one, both is just lame.

THE CRAIL CUTE DOG CONTEST got an entry with this really cute dog in it. But the email that The Mez forwarded me had 14 attachments. And the email was confusing, I don't know if this dog is Neptune or Bouba or Malik. I was really confused. But the dog is cute so I'll get more details from my assistant, The Mez, and let you know.

Alex asked me if we were friends anymore then said he didn't want the moon man. You know who you're not friends with, Alex? Spike! He worked hard for that moon man.


ENTRY #1547

: It's On, Easy-E
THE WORD: Oh, just a little country home for the kids

WEDNESDAYS WITH WINSTON shows us a sassier side of this little feline. I think his owner is rubbing off on him.

THE CRAIL CUTE DOG CONTEST welcomes another Boston Terrier. This one is named Frito. I have some advice for those of you that really want to impress me with your pooch; leave the deck out of the photo. No, seriously. A skateboard never made anyone cuter. Well, maybe Mikey but he's a total accessory guy.


ENTRY #1546

: Cinco de Mayo, Herb Alpert and The Tijuana Brass
THE PLACE: earth
THE WORD: woot!

THE CRAIL CUTE DOG CONTEST welcomes Olive who is almost 11 years old. I wish I was 11. Seriously.

Congrats and love to Eric and Ash Koston on the arrival of baby, June.

Sanger, if I hit the 1600 posts and double your entries, I am going to key your car. And maybe have Rickk touch his ass on your phone receiver. Start posting, we're totally blogging. It's great.

Bird and I are still friends. I think it was important that The Lakers let The Rockets have at least one game so that Kelly and I can stay close.


ENTRY #1545

: The Wedding March, Queen
THE PLACE: someone's back yard
THE WORD: yipes

Bird, game starts at 7:30. Do you want to cancel our friendship now or at half time? I already miss you.

Thiebaud, you are about to have a new member in "BANNED FROM THE CRAIL CUTE DOG CONTEST CLUB". Atiba wants to enter Carmelo, who we all agree is pretty cute but we have to make sure he doesn't photo shop the photos. Atiba, he uses a stairmaster every night, that's not the club you want to be on the list for.

THE CRAIL CUTE DOG CONTEST welcomes it's first albino entry. This is "Iree", an albino Boston Terrier wearing a sweater that fits. Pretty cute.

Chuck, remember when we went to George Michael? That was a little gay. Fun but gay.


ENTRY #1544

: Ur So Gay, Katy Perry
THE PLACE: Stairmaster
THE WORD: You know who you are

Frosty, I didn't want you to think I didn't come to your birthday party last night. I got there early and was so hammered that they kicked me out before you got there. I thought I could do way more shots then I really could. I waited on my car in the parking lot but I guess you didn't see me. I tried to pul my underwear really high so you would notice me but I guess that didn't work either. Hope it was a happy night.

THE CRAIL CUTE DOG CONTEST today has an entry from a dog born on the mean streets of New Jersey. Her name is Veronica and the owners mother in law knitted that sweater she's wearing. I don't think that sweater looks like it fits but that doesn't make her any less cute. And Eric Anthony
wears a lot of things that don't fit him and he's one of the cutest people in our building.


ENTRY #1543

: Should I Stay or Should I Go, The Clash
THE PLACE: there
THE WORD: hmmmm.....

WEDNESDAYS WITH WINSTON brings all the drama and all the action. And yes, all the cuteness.

THE CRAIL CUTE DOG CONTEST is placing a double elimination on Thiebaud for sending a whining and curse filled email. Go twitter your buddies, Jim. Isn't big shit going down in SF we need to know about? OK, before I show you today's entry I want to say that The Mez has been an amazing administrative assistant getting me the entries in a timely manner. Must be the new military haircut.
This is Sophie. I like her because she looks like a police dog and I just happen to have a favorite co-worker that likes the police, right Chuck? And this entry gets extra points for the Crankers poster.

I do not get a warm fuzzy feeling when I see "footage request" as the subject of an email. How about the rest of you?

Mikey and I are making a t-shirt that Rickk rolled his eyes at when I told him about it. Hey Rickk, I'm the eye roller, remember your role and stick to it.
What size t-shirt do you want, Rickk?

Lu's back. Showed up with a "Fuck The World" t-shirt on her first day back. Nothing says, "I'm down" more then that garment.


ENTRY #1542

: The Best, Tina Turner
THE PLACE: my heart

THE CRAIL CUTE DOG CONTEST kicks off entry number one with a dog named Foxy. She's a rescue that use to have to wear a diaper but now she's "not leaking anymore". Foxy seems like a name that Mikey would come up with for a dog.

Frosty, everyone wants to know why you are taking so many photos of your television? Don't stop, it's like an advance twittering that we're all in to but is it part of your new shoe deal? Let me know.


ENTRY #1541

: Just One More, George Jones
THE PLACE: Staples
THE WORD: tonight

It's back! THE CRAIL CUTE DOG CONTEST. As always, Chick is not in the running, obviously too cute. The winner gets $100 gift card for Pet Smart. And Thiebaud, your dog is out because he already won one year and you're a cheater. Send your entries to the Randoms. (Mez, don't lag on getting me the entries. Or my latte).

Ever wonder why you get stink eye from our secretary, Savanna? Here's why:
1. When someone starts off a conversation with the word "Listen". Don't they know how rude that is?
2. Getting parking spot jacked.
3. Coming in late with Starbucks in your hand.
4. Changing your Myspace top friends every minute.
5. If you gave me the stink eye first.

Wizard Ben, did yesterday afternoon remind you of sitting in your parents basement as a level 4 warlock while a level 7 knight threw fake lightning bolts at you? Chicago's good.

We're not giving Spike to Deluxe. He wanted to take too many people with him and he was sad that we traded him for free. We would never really trade you, Spikey. Maybe a bust of you that you gave me as a gift for a ten speed bike but not you for free.


ENTRY #1540

: Only One, Slipknot
THE WORD: losers!

Someone from LRG sent me two pairs of sweats. Thanks so much. I have a feeling my "summer look" is going to be drastically different from previous seasons.

So Wizard Ben is in his office or at his house watching a movie, I didn't even bother to ask The Mez when he sent me this and said, "Ben is watching this right now, I swear". Seriously Ben, we're in a recession, take some fricking photos. And stop going to Rite Aid, now Rickk is even freaked out by you.

Spike, it's a long story but we gave you to Deluxe. It started out as a trade but then we just gave you to them. They seem excited and if your movie does well, you'll probably be totally celebrated around the offices there. Can you do me a favor? Once you get there, talk them into letting you bring Rickk and Mike. You have photos, show them how fun they are. Thanks Buddy, and good luck in Nor Cal.


ENTRY #1539

: Down To Earth, Peter Gabriel

WEDNESDAY'S WITH WINSTON this week is about triumph.

Last night Rickk told me that everyone that plays ball at Podium in the evening is an out of control heavy handed spaz. The Gav seems to think that Rickk may be a big part of the problem. He didn't tell me that, Rickk. He told it to someone that I heard him telling.

The Mez got a hair cut, looks like he's 12.

Speaking of looking like you're 12, here's a photo that Mihaly found and sent me of Frosty and Rickk. I think this is when Rickk just got out of prison? Can't be sure.


ENTRY #1538

: Back For Good, The Concretes
THE PLACE: Torrance

Frosty, if you get on Ugg, let's all get matching ones for Camp Whatevs. It sounds gay now but so did a lot of the shit we're in to.

Lee, you might want to put Winston's face up to the computer. This is just stupid cute. I wish I could say I photo shopped that tongue in there but nope.



ENTRY #1538

: Let's Get High, Dr Dre
THE PLACE: every where
THE WORD: everyone

Kelly Bird's wife, on a percentage basis is about 42% his wife and 58% my family's new adopted sibling. Sorry Kel, you knew she would find out how fun we were and that was going to be a challenge.

For those of you that wondered, neither Winston or Chick attended Coachella.

Mikey, here's the only reason I'm bummed I missed Coachella. Love you, Squeak E.

Frosty, I think you could skate in the Nightfall style ones if you practiced more. I can't believe I'm helping you. This is what life is like on the high road.


ENTRY #1537

: New Drug, Huey Lewis & The News
THE WORD: soon

Mikey, I have like 7 more reasons why I'm not going to Coachella. Call me, I'll detail them for you. I don't want to make people feel like my column is an inside joke.

Spike, I called your brother "bitch" yesterday in a text. You might want to call him.

You know what Wizard Ben, maybe next time you and your wife get invited to a Laker playoff party where some of us are going to meet your wife for the first time and it's at Eric's and he's a Laker fan (well, he was at one time, now he's a Clippers fan or something like that, we're still sort of in a fight), maybe for karma purposes, you don't show up in a bunch of Celtics garb. Looks like it led to some bad Boston mojo. First Manny to the Dodgers then KG to the bench. Think about it, Dragon Claw.

Mez, seriously, figure out what GOOD SHIT I'm on because tomorrow Thiebaud is back to twittering and I can only imagine the good news he is going to have for us.


ENTRY #1536

: Taxman, George Harrison
THE WORD: pay up

WEDNESDAYS WITH WINSTON takes a sleepy turn but you won't ever tire of his cuteness.

Frosty, Freedom is a Wheel in your Sole, did you know that? I will ask you to come back about two more times then I will send you packages that you will have to store in your garage and you know what's in them. Think about it, buddy.

The Mez, or as I sometimes call him, my old assistant, and I had a pretty weird run in. He was stealing supplies but acted like he was just stocking the bathroom upstairs. I'm going to have to write you up, Mez. Actually, I'm busy, Mikey, can you write him up? Thanks.

Rickk, if Girl was a band, do you consider yourself the singer? Let me know, it would explain a lot.


ENTRY #1535

: It's True, Backstreet Boys
THE WORD: Koston

See his tongue slightly hanging out of his tiny mouth? Too cute. Stop it, Chick. Plus, Winston's coming for your spot tomorrow.

If The Mez had ever properly acted as my assistant as he should have, I would have known what number GOOD SHIT this is and I would have a proper picture of captain Richard Philliips that escaped from the Somali pirates after being held captive for five days. But he didn't do his job so I don't know what number GOOD SHIT this is and all I have is a picture of Johnny Depp. Mez, don't ask your boss what they can do for you, ask your boss what you can do for them.

I can't tell if it's towards the end of the month or the beginning of a new quarter but at some point Callaway goes casual and ditches the plaid/checkered button ups and just goes with a t-shirt. I'll start keeping a spread sheet so I can understand the pattern of his behavior.

Mikey, the last reason I'm not going to Coachella? I don't have to.


ENTRY #1534

: Baby Come Back, Player
THE WORD: guilt trip

Whatever Eric, we're in a fight for at least 3 days. And keep in mind, I got Jeremy back from Stussy, I'm not taking this sitting down, jerk.

Someone set up a fake Twitter account for Bird. Thiebaud, it was funny once, the second time is redundant and gay. Get on your rehab bike and work on your cardio.

Spike said he's not coming back to LA until we come to NY to visit him. See you in a long time, boy with no friends. Or wait, I guess you have to come home for the 4th of July don't you? Looks like you lose. Again. Love you.

Mikey, here's my Top 5 reasons why I'm not going to Coachella and don't care:
1. UFC 97
2. drinking beer leads to outhouse lines which leads to dirty outhouses where you can get rashes and ring worm.
3. too cool
4. traffic out on Sunday night is not worth it
5. I have an IPOD with all those bands and all those songs and I can hook it up to my JBL speakers in my room and it will sound better

Wizard Ben is still buying something at the Rite Aid in Hollywood on his company card. Weird.


ENTRY #1533

: Sad Day, The Rolling Stones
THE PLACE: The Fictional world Ben and his friends live in
THE WORD: lightning bolt

Ben, you are in our thoughts in these tough times. Hang in there, Little Wizard.


ENTRY #1532

: There's a Boat That's Leaving, Miles Davis
THE PLACE: nearby
THE WORD: weird

I think River knew when he bought me that apple fritter that it was a gateway snack. I've had three since he bought me that and a McFlurry. Feel like I'm Rickk.

When Bird knocks on my door, I always feel like I need to hide my bong or something. And the weird thing is I don't have a bong. Spike will try and tell you otherwise but I've never even owned a bong. A pipe? Maybe, I think that was Lewman's.

Gav, you know that t-shirt you did with Huf with the FOUR STARS in a row? Do you see any conflict at all with that and maybe one of our brands? Let me know, buddy. Huf is obviously off the hook, just too nice.

Big apology to EA and Smyth for leaving them out of Perth. With EA, It was just a misunderstanding about where he was headed with his future which I thought included Ferrari's and strip clubs but he's coming with us. And of course we need Smyth, we need a wizard and can't bring Ben, he's a Celtic fan.

Thiebaud probably already twittered you but The Turnovers B-Ball team are the champs! With Bird, Frosty and Rickk in the starting line up, I think we learned that poor sportsmanship and a lot of heart take you a long way. Congrats guys.


ENTRY #1531

: Blind, Korn
THE PLACE: nearby
THE WORD: stretch your arms and laugh

We have a new feature starting today called WEDNESDAYS WITH WINSTON. A collaboration with the only guy in SD without a tan, Lee Dupont.
Enjoy, it will only get cuter. And the editing is beautiful, pay attention Reda.

Just a correction, the stationary bike that Thiebaud rides isn't an exercise bike, it's a "rehab bike". Is that you go to rehab in Nor Cal? You don't check into a facility?.
Feels cool to have so much in common. I mean, other then the rehab bike, the twittering, Nor Cal and the love of skateboarding.

Spike, where do we go from here? I say come back to LA, get a job in the Girl warehouse, kick your street cred into overdrive and start over. not warehouse manager either, those that are super street keep their power tripping to a minimum. Check with some kids in your neighborhood. And from experience, cool to hate the boss.

We're not moving to Portland, too much twittering. But that doesn't mean we're not buying a ton of land, moving the entire operation and basically starting a cult. The new spot is Perth. So far, Mikey is going so we have a V.P. I'm going which means Crankers, Carnalag and Callaway are going. Ship sinks without us, so you're going too, Mez. And Rickk, until they get a casino built, Mikey will hold home games in his apartment which most likely won't have an L shape couch. Hey


ENTRY #1531

: Storm Coming, Gnarls Barkley
THE PLACE: near by
THE WORD: sure

Hey Wizard Ben, I heard you've been talking shit on my column? That seems like a good idea since The Mez is your boss and I'm his boss. I wouldn't even have to fire you, I could just page him and have him do it. Smarten up, Dragon Boy.

Does it seem gay to be riding your exercise bike while answering emails and twittering? Well, if Richard Simmons can do it, why can't Thiebuad? No one can prove Richard Simmons is gay, right?

What about Whole Foods? Do you want to buy two hard goods companies, one truck company and a growing thriving street wear brand of clothing? It comes with Spike Jonze. He's really cool. No, seriously, ask him.

Mikey, this is the one I want. I want it all coked out like this, too, in black and white. And have it delivered. That's if we're really friends?


ENTRY #1530

: Calm Before The Storm, Judas Priest
THE WORD: the calm.....

Mikey, I'm pretty sure we're going to move to Vegas. Just feels right. Before Rickk loses all our money once we get there, let's get into bowling, buy our own balls, look like we're not posers, twitter Thiebaud and let him know when we're bowling. Cool?

This column doesn't ever necessarily get better but that doesn't mean it gets worse. Maybe just stays crappy.

Burnett, I didn't know you had a college degree. That's why The Mez likes you. Did you know that the owners of Girl have 2 high school diplomas collectively? We almost named the company "Smart".

Last night we talked to Spike about cocaine, Barcelona, Lady Gaga and crying. That's pretty much the four things I talk about the most.

Jenkins, get on your soap box and sell me on Facebook. Come on, you're good at this shit.

Wizard Ben, I knew you'd freak when you saw this so I ordered it for you and took the cost out of your check. Your welcome, freak.


ENTRY #1529

: Immigration Man, Crosby and Nash
THE PLACE: America!
THE WORD: marriage.......

Mikey and I are obsessed.

Hershel, you can't take people hostage if they can kill you with a martial arts choke. It just won't work. I won't kill you, that's a lawsuit I just don't want to drag the other employees through but I think you should know about taking people hostage and how it really works before you go spouting off.

Lu's coming back. It's official. Hide the tequila and fast cars.

Jim? Twitter me. I like totally don't even know what's going on at like Deluxe.

The Gav and Guy are starting a band. They don't have a genre, instruments, any musical talent or singing ability but they have a pretty sick album cover and that's the most important piece.


ENTRY #1528

: April, PJ Harvey and John Parish
THE PLACE: earth
THE WORD: fool!


Thiebaud, I checked with my 16 year old niece, you're right, twittering is totally in.

Is April Fools considered a failure if the only one you truly fool is your Jiu Jitsu coach? I agree.


ENTRY #1527

: Another Day, Air

Hershel sent me this link with the subject, "Watch out now..." in the email. Take me hostage, please. That means I get to collect Starbucks coffee cups in my cubicle and search the world wide web all day, right?

Yesterday, My Little Dumpling, came clean and told me that when he and Roger were driving the company van back from the last Fourstar tour, they may been involved in a little accident. This combined with his new Facebook account has shown me that he's not who he use to be. The old EA would have called crying from a phone booth if he crashed the company van. The new one just says, "Fuck it" and updates his online status. And Roger, thought it was early to attack you, you haven't even been a full time employee for six months but how about not relying on the emo dude from Yucca behind the wheel of a 15 passenger van?

Burnett, here's the last page in our memory book.

Carnalag told us yesterday that his brother tried to cut his fingers off when they were younger. If that had really happened, I would have let Stussy keep him. He can't design our websites with no fingers. Period.

The new feature from yesterday, MIKEY WOULD BUT RICKK AND SPIKE WOULDN'T is cancelled. Little Bitchy Mikey that was going to be the star of this feature said he has never ever referred to a girl as a "hot piece of ass". I'll think of a new feature that won't offend Baby Boy. Oh, and since we're dealing with the truth, he never even really stuck an apple in a girls butt. Happy, MC?

I have to go, Chick wants to go to the beach.


ENTRY #1526

: Let's Do This, Hannah Montana
THE WORD: this

I went into The Mez' office to tell him he was not my assistant anymore but Feds was in there so I couldn't tell him. River brought me an apple fritter this morning. Pretty much sealed the deal as my lifetime assistant. Sorry Mez, you had your chance and you decided to sit back and listen to Bright Eyes.

Burnett, here's the second page of our memory book:

Spike's in London right now. Typical.

Here's my newest feature, it's called, MIKEY WOULD BUT RICKK AND SPIKE WOULDN'T. It's exactly what it seems, things Mikey would do but Rickk and Spike would not. Here's #1: Refer to a woman as a "hot piece of ass".


ENTRY #1525

: Finally, Toni Braxton
THE WORD: here

Burnett, I can put two and two together. You've made your choice and it's The Mez. Just keep in mind you chose the straight edge guy and that's all fun and well when you want to talk about some funny article you saw on The Onion but don't come crawling back to this column when Mumbles bores you to death. Either way, I started making a memory book to save what we did have. Here's the cover.

Lula-belle's coming back to LA soon and she thinks Facebook is gay too!


ENTRY #1524

: Stable Song, Death Cab For Cutie

Ever feel like you want to curl up in a ball and sob uncontrollably? See Spike, I told you it was just you. And on top of that, I still love you, even though you said my column was hostile. Even though you didn't realize I was crying the other day when I called you and I had to sit through 30 seconds of Art Spiegel humor while you figured it out, I still love you. That's how I roll.

Hey Jenks, so like if you're having a birthday party and you want people to know that they're not invited, you write about it on your Facebook page? Come on, dude. I know you can convince me how gay this is not. If anyone can, it's you.

Hey Crankers, guess who has sweatpants from Lulu Lemon? I'll give you a hint, he has the same name as you, he's from Canada and he skates for Girl. Let me know if you want more clues.

Sometimes he feels like a nut, sometime he don't.


ENTRY #1523

: You're The One, The Black Keys

Burnett, really? The Mez had no interest in having you on the couch until I mentioned there was a "Mike Burnett void" and you just disregard that? I realize I offered up the MTV Moon Man after the fact but come on, you guys don't have that much history. Really disappointed. Seems like that trip you, Rickk and I took to Sydney with the Nike team was just another trip for you.

And Mez, you'd be better off coming through with the wheat grass. Think about it.

Facebook is gay. Sorry Jenks, someone sent me a link and it was so gay. Talk me out of it, Andy. You've talked me out of resigning, you can do this.

Spike, I did the math and I think if your dad was about as funny as you are now, in about 30 years, you're not going to be that funny. That's not an attack on your dad, love that guy, that was an attack on you. Don't confuse it.

Mikey, you're down with Kanye, get these shades. Frosty's shower is this weekend, he'll appreciate you showin' up with your A game.


ENTRY #1522

: Don't Come Around Here No More, Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers
THE WORD: Burnett

Burnett, you are playing a type of hard to get I haven't seen since Junior High. Nice work. I wanted to offer you a MTV Moon Man as an olive branch. I'm not sure what The Mez did to alienate you but my column is willing to have you, host you and celebrate you. (The Moon Man was originally the tie that bound Alex and I but then he showed up at a dinner party where he was suppose to bring fish with just a bottle of tea...it's a long story).
Anyway, let me know, I can also throw in some Carroll and Howard decks to sweeten the deal.

Mikey, you know how your always talking about working in the Thrasher warehouse if it all "goes wrong"? Well, here's the other option if everything "goes wrong" once we get to Portland:

Chick, stop it. That's way too cute.


ENTRY #1521

: Old Time Hardcore, Slapshot
THE PLACE: Ben's world
THE WORD: banging

Ben went to art school? This just gets more amazing all the time. The only other dude that went to art school that uses the word "banging" is Tony Larson. You guys should become Facebook friends, you have a lot in common.

Yesterday in order of annoyance; Spike by a long shot, then Rickk and Mikey didn't annoy me at all. The bummer is, Mikey, that Spike was so annoying I lost sight of how you had not been a problem at all.

Hey Burnett, if you're really over us, then at least send us an email telling us to screw off or something. I was looking forward to communicating with you regularly and truly celebrating you in my column but I'm also willing to talk about what a dick you are if you want to go that route. Email my assistant if you work up the nerve. I think we can carry that honor you got from Transworld into 2009 if you work with us.


ENTRY #1520

: Time To Cry, Paul Anka
THE WORD: always

Hey Mikey, looks like your still the best man. He survived.

Carnalag will not accept that the job market is not out there. He's taking Monday and Tuesday off again to go on interviews. Fucker. Jeremy, seriously, if you try and come in my office again and resign, first I'm going to fake cry like I did when Larson left then I'm going to get you in a kimora hold and drag you over to the crack shack. I'm so pissed at you.

Rudy, I just wanted to let you know that I disagree with Stacy Peralta. I don't know him or skateboarding but if Rickk says you were good, then you were good. Rickk also told me that he was once as good as Eric. Is that true, Eric? (Rickk, was I not suppose to write that?). So hard to keep track of things.

Who says, "banging" when referring to having sex? Of course the dude from Boston. Nice work on the Crail Couch, Ben. Way to bring us all down.


ENTRY #1519

: American Idiot, Green Day
THE PLACE: Torrance

Mikey, Hershel sent me this link. (Of course). I think we can just change the "Tyson" on the entry gate to "Carroll", switch out one of those pools with a bowling alley and you're in. Let me know if you're down, I'll make an offer.


ENTRY #1518

: Green, Blake Shelton
THE PLACE: earth
THE WORD: Happy St Patricks Day


ENTRY #1517

: The Best, Tina Turner
THE WORD: Dinner Party

Spike and I have made up. I am sorry if any of the facts I posted about him made it seem as though he had no street cred and very little soul. He has both, just ask him.

Sometimes he just has a lot to consider. It's not all about just being insanely cute.

Mez, I think I found out why Burnett gave us the ol' brush off. I got an email that he got some award from Transworld, like most photos ever, or something like that. I'm sure you can imagine what that could do to a guys ego. That's the good thing about Ben, you can pretty much bet he'll never have "most photos published" so he'll always be your friend.


ENTRY #1516

: Take This Job and Shove It, Dead Kennedy's
THE WORD: shove it

Burnett, I forgot to mention, if you do want to contact me, The Mez is my assistant. He'll forward your correspondence to me. You might want to include the word "PRONTO" in the email if you want quick results. The Mez has two speeds, "slow" and "pretty slow".

Frosty, stop ripping off my dog's style. Chick's been wearing vests for 8 years.

Spike felt like my column was "passive aggressive" yesterday. I wanted it to just be "aggressive". Here's a few other things Spike said when he called:
1. "I'm super cool, Apple loves me".
2. "Tell Rickk to come to New York and be cool with me".
3. "It's fun being cool".


ENTRY #1515

: Coattails, The Zero Points
THE PLACE: right there
THE WORD: ride 'em

Spike, when you're done developing Eric's new video game, maybe call your assistant and have her get some fresh berries in your fridge so they're chilled when you get home. That's right, chump, don't leave me messages about "crying again" or how I'm "so cool". And where are you headed after NY, Boy Chic, maybe London? Or is Berlin your new London?

Alex's new name is "Lord Of the Rings". Wait, wait, Ben, before you go getting excited, it's because he has ring worm. That's right, ring worm. I thought Mikey had some gross stuff going on with his skin but ring worm is a next level type rash.

Speaking of Mikey, today he couldn't get a hold of Rickk because Rickk wasn't taking his call so he called me to check to see if the painters were done in the skatepark so he could come skateboard. I love these guys.

Mez, I'm waiting on that Burnett update. Right when Rickk read that in my column yesterday he said, "Hey, that's right, The Mez did use to tell us a lot of Mike Burnett stories". Or if it's too painful, Mike, maybe you can contact me direct. I know we haven't hung out since we were in Sydney with the Nike team but I'm still very approachable and down to earth.


ENTRY #1514

: No Sleep, Sam Roberts
THE WORD: last night

Hershel dropped a Sparkletts bottle because it was too heavy for him to lift on to the dispenser. Tough Guy, I say move your office to level one. Level two is wall to wall weaklings. The Mez, Hersh, Mettee.....get down here while your rep is still in tact.

Whatever happened to Mike Burnett? When The Mez started working here, that's all we heard were funny Mike Burnett stories or cute Mike Burnett stories or just boring Mike Burnett stories. It's been over a year since I've even heard his name. What happened, Aaron?

Spike has an idea for a video game. It's going to change Frosty's life. How do I know? Spike told me. You know what's really going to change your life, Eric? The long pauses you both take when trying to explain something.

Sometimes Chick is like Mikey, just doesn't feel like being photographed or performing.


ENTRY #1513

: Don't Cry For Me Argentina, Madonna
THE PLACE: Argentina
THE WORD: Love you, Lu

The good news is that Mikey and I have a new favorite song and the really good news is if we need to request it in a club, we can always dedicate it to Rickk.

Someone emailed me to ask me if I had any tattoos. I have the Girl OG logo on my entire back and then I have "Rickk, Mikey and Spike" in script on my ankle. I know they're obvious but that's how I roll.

I'll probably be buying cool jewelry like this once we move to Portland. Why wouldn't I?

This is what chick would look like if I was married to one of the guys in ZZ Top. Terrible.


ENTRY #1512

: Dangerous, Michael Jackson
THE PLACE: New Skatepark
THE WORD: Yipes!

Yesterday Frosty fell in the new skatepark. Rickk was kind enough to re-enact the fall and the noise Frosty made on the floor of his office for those of us that weren't there. It looked scary. Frosty knocked the wind out of himself and thought he popped his spleen. Turns out he's just a little bruised. Last night Eric sent Rickk a text that he pooped and there was no blood. We're good, The Champ is fine.

Mez, wheat grass? Pronto?

If anyone at UNDEFEATED reads this, can we get two of these? One in Medium and one in X-Large? We'll trade you or pay you, you make the call. Rickk's been fighting for a sweatsuit like this for years.


ENTRY #1511

: Over It, Ashley Tisdale


ENTRY #1510

: Time For Our Fun, Devo
THE PLACE: the remodeled skatepark
THE WORD: Rickk and Mikey

The Bachelor finale was simply amazing. First, I want to apologize to Mikey for ever comparing you to this guy. He's a total mind fuck closet creep, you're just a little creepy. Big difference. (Frosty owes you an apology, too, Mikey, hit him up). Second, Frosty left the Clippers game early and then proceeded to text me 7 times during the show. I can't believe I waited 16 years for Frosty to be my favorite pro on Girl. Sorry Rickk and Mikey but you guys were skating the new park last night while Frosty was watching history with me.
Jason, The Bachelor, will probably go down in history as the biggest fuck up in reality TV which means he'll probably get another show.

Mez, I said you're still my assistant. Where's my wheat grass?

I have to go. Long story short, I have to go.


ENTRY #1509

: You Make Me Feel Brand New, Simply Red
THE PLACE: he "7"
THE WORD: nice

Sanger, Sanger, Sanger, don't go starting shit with me. You know, indirectly, you're fucking with your holiday bonus. And the hives were under my eyelids, not on my eye balls. Big difference, Jackass.

Guy, Gino and Rickk are really excited about Facebook. All three of them are huge fans of telling people exactly where they'll be at all times. Look for their profiles soon.

Gourmet magazine. Maybe you don't care but it's my favorite product placement to date


ENTRY #1508

: Cool Places, Sparks
THE PLACE: Mikey's car
THE WORD: where ever you go.....

Ben, can that night at Staples get any worse?

Frosty, I have a bake sale idea I want to pitch to you. Call me.

This morning, Spike ordered pancakes for us to share and when I went to take a bite, they were gone. I thought Rickk was the one with the terrible table manners. Get it straight, you guys are all over the map.

Mikey, do you want to buy one here or wait until we get to Portland?

Mez, you're my assistant again.


ENTRY #1507

: The Losing End, Neil Young
THE PLACE: Staples
THE WORD: Ben, Pierce and Rondo

Wow, Ben, I heard you never thought you'd leave a Clippers game depressed? That must have felt terrible. And from the 4th row? Ouch. I would have called in sick today, you're a better man then I. All those fake D and D battles have built you into quite a soldier. Oh, and how come when Pierce dislocated his finger he didn't come back out in a wheel chair? Just checking.

Ever have The Berrics ruin your dinner party? Mikey and I have. It hurts. We should talk, Eric. If you're going to be hosting evening events, I think it's time for a community calendar so we don't step on each others toes.

Bird, do these guys make you mad? Rickk said they do. Why? What bugs you about them? They seem cool.

Want to know how I know that the Beauty and The Beast tour video is "perhaps the greatest tour video of all time"? The Mez told me.

My Top 5 reasons for loving trading cars with Mikey and driving the "7":
1. More then 5 pairs of sunglasses in the pouch in the door, all various colors.
2. Advil in the pouch in the door if you get a headache from nerves from almost backing into things.
3. Sick speaker system
4. Dirty black sox on floor in back seat, good for my street cred which, ultimately is good for Spike's street cred.
5. It's Mikey's.


ENTRY #1506

: All Mine, Portishead
THE WORD: yours

Sanger, it's been more then ten days since you've updated that column. I wonder if you're going to lash out at your "loyal following" once you decide to get off your ass and talk about anything other then the Carls Jr cups you're collecting. (It feels so good to attack someone other then Rickk, Mikey or Spike. Super refreshing).

Carnalag! You nut, making the code word in the Crail store, "Koston". You just don't stop, do you? Other job fell through?

Mikey, I'm going to get these for you with the cash from the soda machine. I think the small one is a good cereal bowl. The large one is a good one say if someone comes over to cook dinner and drinks too much wine and you want to make sure they don't barf on the fluffy white rug? You're on your own with the middle one. They're lavender, too. Like your mood. You're welcome.

Mez, you know what you have in common with my new assistant in Portland, you're ready to work tomorrow. Today, not so much.

I just came across this photo and it reminded me to tell Spike that Rickk bought his first article of clothing, other then a suit. He bought a wool jacket, Spike. I think this photo will serve as a reminder of what he did to your wool jacket.


ENTRY #1505

: Call Me Back Again, Paul McCartney and Wings
THE PLACE: earth
THE WORD: Rickk?

Don't talk shit on Lu, seriously.

Hershel is going to take a field trip to the Tweak Yard across the street. He did say he wanted an "escort". I know Jiu Jitsu so I might go over there with him. That would be gross to wrestle with a bum, though. I might just have to watch and scream as Hersh gets beaten. I'll keep you posted.

Ever wonder how Mikey does it? He's certified.

I don't think Carnalag got the job he was interviewing for. He's here today acting like nothing ever happened. Just so you know, Jeremy, if someone calls me for a reference, I'm going to tell them you're addicted to porn and gambling.

Guess who Rickk, Smyth and Spread Sheet ran into when they went cool hunting? The Captain of the color way, Buscemi.


ENTRY #1504

: More For Me, Andrew Kerr
THE PLACE: there

There's a Tweek Yard across the street from Girl and I tried to get Tough Guy to go check it out. He reminded me that his name is "Tough Guy" not "Dumb Guy". We're thinking about making a story up to try and get Hershel over there. We'll keep you posted.

Carnalag took another morning off. Looks like whoever he's interviewing with called him back for a second round. Whatever, Jeremy, if you leave again, I'm not taking you back. I begged via the internet, I gave you an award at the 15th anniversary picnic and gave you a cubicle on "Cool Row". If you leave now, I'm going to make fun of your dog and your boyfriend. And I love both Lucky and EA.

I was going to post a GOOD SHIT today but The Mez took the day off so I don't know what number it would be. Said he had to go "film Mikey". That's hilarious, Mikey skates?

Wiazrd Ben, you should grab this. I know a lot of the "bandwagon" D and D fans are playing by the new rules. Good to have a copy of the OG rules on the coffee table just so people know you know what's up.


ENTRY #1503

: Whatever, Gnarls Barkley
THE WORD: sure

The Gav and I finally agreed that the only physical challenge he could beat me in was skateboarding. (I actually don't really agree but he's a chubby little guy and I love him so I'm letting him have this one). Somehow with no bet in place, I owe him a batch of Snickerdoodles. You're good, Gav.

Mez, in the event that we can work things out, read the part about making sure there are doughnuts on Fridays, that's a win win for you and I.

Smyth, Rickk and Spread Sheet went to Vegas to check out a trade show for inspiration. Are these guys kidding me? Holy vacation. I'm going to the Jelly Belly factory next week to get some inspiration for budgets.

You know what will help you stay sober? Watch Sober Rehab Living or whatever that reality show is with the chunky porn star and Rodney King at 7 in the morning. It's like the Scared Straight of modern times.

Is it just me or does he seem stoic? I wonder what's on his mind? Probably still thinking about all that production he was a part of.


ENTRY #1502

: What Do I Get, Buzzcocks

The Gav has now challenged me to a one on one basketball game and a foot race. His email included the line, "I'm more physically fit then you think".
But are you more physically fit then I know?

Chick came to Girl today to help with production. Here's a photo of him on Char's desk. Has to suck to be that cute.

Mez, I'm still drafting your termination letter. Did you get a lawyer yet?

Carnalag asked for a day off and on the form wrote, "...to go somewhere to do something...not sure what....". Holy crap, are you interviewing with other companies again? That's low, Jerry. We went through this once, didn't we learn?


ENTRY #1501

: Stirrin' It Up, Hank Williams, Jr
THE WORD: why not?

I don't want to start any shit between Frosty, Rickk and Mikey but last night when Frosty and I were texting while watching The Bachelor, two things came out. If Eric thinks The Bachelor is a creep, imagine what he thinks of Mikey. I mean, no offense Mikey but you're way creepier then The Bachelor and Eric just calls him "The Creep". So, you two should talk.
And then he said "the Canadian always gets dumped....". So Rickk, maybe the three of you should talk. I think Eric's using his communication with me about The Bachelor to send a larger message about the two of you. I think, I'm not sure. Either way, you're all welcome.

No word from The Gav on his latest challenge of "physicality". Gav?

I'm not sure if Rickk just doesn't like that I have to be responsible and leave myself notes of he doesn't like my striped shirt that I had to remember to bring to Callaway or if he is sending a message to Callaway but I think the two of you need to talk. Rickk, if you have something to say, no need to draw a dick with weird pubic hair on it surrounding my important message. Good luck sorting this all out together.

And finally, Mez, I think you're fired as my assistant. I just don't feel like you coming in and eating Dean and Deluca snacks in my office is what I was looking for in terms of help. I'll type something formal up so you can get a lawyer and sue me.


ENTRY #1500

: Peace Train, Cat Stevens
THE PLACE: not sure
THE WORD: Spike, should I?

Wizard Ben, did you almost pass out when you saw Garnett in D and D gear? It's like your worlds collided, right?

Hey Ass Better (That's you, Gav). I have a new bet for you, another one that Rickk can vouch for my skills on. Who do you think can name more of the centers in a box of chocolates from Sees Candies just by looking at the shape of the candy? $50? Oh, and by the way, Frosty, Chubby admitted he could not do more push ups then me but that he could beat your or I in some sort of "physicality contest".

I'm sure Diamond Nick wants it made perfectly clear, he has nothing to do with this Snurr's new company. The difference is really clear.