THE SONG: Main Offender, The Hives
THE PLACE: my eyes and knees
THE WORD: Let's start a skateboard company!
The Gav A.K.A. Ass Better, A.K.A. Fat Boy conceded yesterday that although he could beat me in some sort of physicality competition he could not do more push ups then me. Then he asked if he could call me once he blacked out last night and never called. Gav, I ordered one of those motivational posters for you with the jets on it that says "Failure Is Not An Option". Just cross out "not". You're good to go.
HUNKIES FOR HOTTIES has a winner. And a true winner he is. Not an ass better, a hard working Globe Footwear rep and a fine poker player. The winner is Patso! Get your wallet out, Gav. When you wake up from realizing This Is Progress lost you a cool hundred.
THE SONG: Movin' On Up, 50 Cent
THE PLACE: Portland
THE WORD: Uh huh....
Gav, a couple of things, to hype the new Matix book, we posted it on Ebay and bid on it to bump up the value. And you think you're a marketing genius?
And also, if you truly think you can do more push ups then me, I think you're better suited to challenge Frosty to a skate contest. Your chances of winning are so much higher with that challenge.
Rickk and Spike have this thing where Spike tries to get Rickk to talk about his feelings and Rickk won't but I play both sides of the situation by encouraging Spike to do it so I can hear Rickk tell me what a weirdo Spike is. Neither of them ever catch on that I'm fueling it so much. Good times.
The new "in" thing to do in LA is move to NY.
THE SONG: Sittin' On A Fence, The Rolling Stones
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD: Rickk
Mikey, to make Spike feel more "normal", we're all getting assistants. I already have mine, The Mez, who as we speak is on probation. If he gets canned, you're my assistant. I'll put out the feelers for you and Rickk until then. I have a feeling Rickk's assistant is going to know all the back routes to the Hustler casino and yours, all the special events at the Hustler store.
Tough Guy takes time off for two things and two things only: having babies and hockey tournaments. I know, that's why he's Tough Guy.
You know how you can tell when you've been sued a lot? When there's a guy with a clipboard in the parking lot and the first thing you think is, "ah, crap, I'm about to get served".
QUITTERS FOR HOTTIES update: The Gav quit when he thought he was losing and Pat is just straight up cheating. I'm over both of you. Now the weigh in is at Tim's and neither of these kooks want to part with cash so they're going to call it a tie and head down the street to Jerrry's deli. Here's some cool snacks for you two fat asses to check out. You'll both be 190 by summer. Call me for that weigh in.
Hey Hershel, you know how you are constantly sending me things you find on the internet? It gives me the impression that you're on the internet all day and not designing. Isn't that weird?
Every year we have a poetry contest for Valentines Day but we forgot this year so we're saving it up for St Patricks Day. Smyth, don't try and bring Sunny into your poetry for cute baby points, that's pretty much cheating. This also gives me an extra month to figure out what rhymes with "resignation". "Destination" sort of does but only really if I'm rapping and I have a feeling that isn't going down.
THE SONG: Over My Head, Fleetwood Mac
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD: now
Last night I had a dream that I won a surf contest at Pipeline. That's my third surfing dream. Stuck at a skateboard company but still shooting for the stars.
Tough Guy agreed to buy the boat with me that I posted yesterday. He didn't even put up that much of a fuss and agreed that it would make a nice life for he, his wife and his daughter. That's why I like Tough Guy, even if he thinks I'm the biggest jerk alive, he just keeps it to himself. Has me totally convinced that I'm his favorite person.
The Mez sent me a text yesterday about Obama and I thought he was referring to Rickk. Things are looking up, Rickk.
Mikey has a new hobby now that he had to store the gold American Apparel track jacket for the winter. Bowling. The thing that I liked about him taking it up was that he told me he's already getting good. Looks like Rickk's modesty about his abilities rubbed off on the V.P.
HUNKIES FOR HOTTIES is clearly no longer "anyone's game". Gav sent in this photo where his weight is down again and his ankles aren't swollen anymore. Fat Lawlor? Where you at? It looks like Gav's going to have an extra $100 in his wallet and cookies for his wife.
When Spike makes a "short film" don't call it a "music video". That's straight from the celebrated directors mouth. What, Spike? You're still totally grounded. You're the same guy you've always been.
Hi Wizard Ben.
THIS JUST IN, urgent HUNKIES FOR HOTTIES update. It looks like Pat cut his own arm off in an effort to win this event. I don't care how you did it Pat, A. Rod will tell you, if you're not cheating, you're not trying. Get your money out, Gav, there's no way you can win this.
THE SONG: Home Sweet Home, Motley Crue
THE PLACE: Home
THE WORD: sweet
Hey Frosty, Denise Richards is going to be on the new season of Dancing With The Stars so we have to boycott it. Looks like we have to find something else to do. Want to learn to speak another language or something? Or is that just a waste of time?
Crankers, I think you're going to be hanging out with Rickk this weekend which is Valentine's Day and check the casino calendar. Looks like the two of you are going to be in for some true romance!
Gav, Lawlor, send updates. You know my style of reporting, I start making stuff up when I don't have the facts. Gav, looking at this photo of Pat, I think you're going to win this one. Shave the beard, Pat. Probably at least 8 ounces. And Pat, I know it's HUNKIES FOR HOTTIES but you might be a bear.
You know how I know The Mez and Mikey are super super busy? Because I was on the phone with The Mez and Mikey sent me a picture of him talking to me. (That's Mikey's knee, he's wearing khaki's today).
Tough Guy, I think this is the boat we have to buy. It's called SISTERS and that's what we almost named Chocolate. It's a sign. If we can get a 15 year loan, our payment is about $3300 a month. I think you should live on it since that is a pretty large payment. I think you're family will like the change, or no?
THE SONG: New York, The Sex Pistols
THE PLACE: New York
THE WORD: cold
HUNKIES FOR HOTTIES takes another swing back in The Gav's favor. He sent this update with the message, "Fatboy is toast". I've sweetened the deal by agreeing to bake home made cookies for the winners wife. Weigh in is this coming Thursday but Pat, keep in mind that Fatso has to go to the Matix 10 year anniversary before weigh in, right? This is anyone's game. Any lard ass could win. (Look at all the candles near the tub, The Gav is such a romantic).
Wizard Ben didn't thank me for the poster but just asked who autographed it. I've nurtured our friendship the entire time we've known each other.
Mikey is back in the attack arena. All he's doing is skating and eating well so I don't know what you want to hear about him.
THE SONG: We Are Family, Sister Sledge
THE PLACE: My family
THE WORD: banned
HUNKIES FOR HOTTIES takes an excitig turn in Pat's favor. Here's his visual update. Gav, looks like Pat wasn't far off when he called you "fatso". He's down 7 pounds! That's what I like to see. Pat and I were one St Patrick's Day CD away from being cousins but that's another story for another time. Just didn't want you to think I was bias towards The Gav because he once was pro for Girl. He quit skating three years before he stopped getting paid. And, Pat taught me how to speak Australian a few years ago so my adoration for both of them is pretty even. What do you got, Gav? Other then a tube up your butt and $50 less in your wallet?
Speaking of Hotties, My Little Lulabelle settled into Oakland with her dogs and her beau. She's been jumped once, got a bike and saw a bum with a Girl board. Love you, Lu.
Sanger, Mez, I might not post tomorrow so I'm giving you a day to get ready to make up for my absence by blowing minds in your columns.
THE SONG: So Damn Cool, Ugly Kid Joe
THE PLACE: your house
THE WORD: you
Yesterday, Koston and I were texting back and forth about The Bachelor and how creepy he is. Big deal, Frosty likes The Bachelor, don't judge.
HUNKIES FOR HOTTIES is heating up. (With sweat, not gusto). You saw Lawlor and his condition and now here's The Gav. Lawlor called The Gav "Fatso" and The Gav called Lawlor "Fat Boy". Both a little true but not cool exchanges between such good friends. Lawlor is fasting on juice and The Gav got a colonic. I'll keep you posted on the progress as well as a follow up I will title CHUNKIES FOR HOTTIES which will be a tracking of the two of these lard asses gaining the weight back. And Gav, ease up on the salt, your feet are really swollen. And what are those, size 6? Gross.
Hey Wizard Ben, when I hang an autographed poster in your office, how about a "thank you"? And while I'm bagging on you, if I have a new picture of Chick every other day, which means I am having a photo shoot a couple times a week, shouldn't you be giving The Mez a new photo at least every other day for his column? Just checking because Rickk says you're the in house photographer. Keep in mind, I don't see you in the office, I see Rite Aid charges in Hollywood on the Amex and when I am looking for you, you're getting tatted.
THE SONG: Pagan Poetry, Bjork
THE PLACE: New York
THE WORD: Jonzey
Hey Sanger, why don't you update every day so you get a huge fan base, like I do, then get pissed at your fans for not speaking out sooner about you using the entirely wrong year? Lazy ass finger pointer. (I think that's the first time I've ever attacked you in this column. How does it feel?).
The Gav says he did pay his bet to me for that beating his team took from The Steelers but I haven't seen the money yet. He gave it to Rickk who was suppose to give it to me but he hasn't. So Gav, as it stands now, you're an ass better. If you want to get out of the dog house, call the hunky Euro and tell him to fork over the cash.
Speaking of the ass better, he's also part of a competition called HUNKIES FOR HOTTIES with Pat Lawlor. A contest to see who can get more in shape for Valentines Day for their respective wives. Lucky ladies, have to wait for one month out of the year to not be married to Homer Simpson. We didn't get pictures of The Gav but here's where Pat's at. Pat, if you win, get a pedicure. Good luck!
Hey Wizard Ben, when The Mez says "D&D" to me he's talking about Dean and Deluca. I know what you're thinking but I rather be a snob then a freak.
THE SONG: We Are The Champions, Queen
THE PLACE: Pittsburgh
THE WORD: Hi Gav
Not that much of a coincidence that Ben lives in North Hollywood.
He had a pretty mellow weekend.
THE SONG: Round and Round, Ratt
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD: sure
Wizard Ben, in the future, I think it's more appropriate to let Ako get the same exact tattoo as Atiba. Make sense?
The Mez and Rickk had to handle a meeting today and you would have thought we were asking them to do a kidney transplant. Holy full grown men.
Mez, do you want Spike's assistants phone number so you are better prepared when I throw direction your way? (Secondary burn, Spike hates when I mention he has an assistant).
Gav, I already told my sisters that I was going to go to the Sweet Factory and buy $50 worth of candy on Monday. Can you get me my cash in the morning? I want to get to the Galleria before noon. Love you. Go Steelers.
I'm having a hard time figuring out who I adore more, EA, My Little Dumpling or his boyfriend, Carnahan. EA and I will tell each other how much we adore each other but Carnahan laughs out loud at most of my jokes. Tough one.
Yesterday Rickk asked me why I'm on Craigslist so much. As if this column writes itself, smarty pants. But also, Rickk, if you get deported, I'll find you a job like this one:
Mikey, let me know, via text, when it's OK to start attacking you again. I was thinking Monday but let me know if that works with your schedule.
He's not looking for any acting work but the offers are pouring in. I don't just love him because he's cute, he's smart too. Knows how to play this game I call "Sea Otter" where I toss the ball to him and he hits it back to me with his paws. I know, blows my mind, too.
THE SONG: How Soon Is Now, The Smiths
THE PLACE: Portland
THE WORD: yep
The Art Dump got in a fight today over a t-shirt design. They're keeping it real. I liked when My Little Dumpling chimed in and said, "I don't know what the big deal is, I think it's cool". Pretty sure he wasn't on the debate team in high school.
Got this hilarious email from the VP over at Podium. : STEELERS ARE GOING DOWN GIRLFRIEND, DOWN! Looks like our VP is a lot smarter then your VP, Podium. Going down where, Tim? The main boulevard in Pittsburgh for the championship parade? Get your money out, your chubby and delusional.
Don't worry, he's not going to jail for being cute, he has a cute attorney he keeps on retainer.
Spike, what's the deal? Are you in director jail or on a director time out? You got so busted. Call me, though, I want to tell you something about Rickk.
I can't believe how much stuff this guy is selling that I need. Amazing. A santa suit for an XXXS dog and an MMA hat signed by Tito Ortiz? What the hell? And he's a mile from my house? Looks like I might get a best friend in addition to all these goodies, too.
THE SONG: All About Me, Brooke Hogan
THE PLACE: your heart
THE WORD: you
GOOD SHIT #14 (just a guess, could be #18):
Gav, you are so bummed. The economy sucks and I won a $50 bet with you. Sure, the game hasn't been played yet but let's face it, you lost. The cool thing is, it's like I'm giving you terms on the money. You know you owe me but you don't have to pay for ten days. Sort of cool, right?
Every now and then I run into something that makes me feel like things could be worse. I don't want to be a person so into bunnies that I take them to shows and call them "my little butter balls". But then again, I work here and I do have a little buddy that I call My Little Dumpling and truthfully, he's cuter then a bunny.
Spike got in trouble! Big big trouble. Ha ha ha.
If Chick got arrested for being too cute, here's what his profile photo would look like. I just almost cried imagining him with mini handcuffs on.
THE SONG: Greed, Fugazi
THE PLACE: yep
THE WORD: sure
My secretary, The Mez, forwarded me a few things that people sent to him for me. I think I might make Mez my assistant. I'll keep you posted, Mez.
The first link was of a baby elephant which I loved but the person that sent it in asked if it was possible that a baby elephant was cuter then Chick.
The email address didn't look like it came from an insane asylum.
The other link was more proof that goats are still considered evil. Larson was going to go on a campaign to help prove that this wasn't the case but after that going away party we had for him where he was all, "we'll see each other more now that we don't work together" and left for brighter pastures, he forgot about us and the goats. Don't forget who donated to your gay mustached growing party or whatever it was, Larson. And now look what goats are facing:
Gav, can you bring me small bills when you pay me? Sucker.
Mikey, when it's based in SF, has the word "erotica" and seems sketchy, I think of you. Love you.
THE SONG: Are You Still Having Fun, Eagle-Eye Cherry
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD: always
Spike and I agree, jocks are the new fucking assholes. And there's always a chance that you're a jock and you don't even know it. But we know it so don't worry about it.
Today's GOOD SHIT:
Hey Wizard Ben, The Washington Wizards are playing the Lakers tonight. Since The Celtics can't beat us, maybe your other team can? No?
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD today is truly a crime. How did he get that cute? Cute pills?
THE SONG: Thank You, Led Zeppelin
THE PLACE: Burger stand
THE WORD: Mikey
Spike's a celebrated director and I was an aspiring actress at one point but Spike pigeon holed me as a bitchy waitress and sank my career. I have a feeling he won't do that to Kanye. And he never gave me this kind of direction, look at his face.
Today's GOOD SHIT.
Wizard Ben was here yesterday so that felt pretty weird. He's also still buying some mystery item at Rite Aid in Hollywood every month. I see the American Express bill, weirdo, what is it?
Today there is no making fun or Rickk or Mikey. Soak it in, fools. There's always tomorrow.
THE SONG: Perfect, Smashing Pumpkins
THE PLACE: black furry dog bed
THE WORD: Chick
THE SONG: Shot Caller, Lil' Flip
THE PLACE: earth
THE WORD: Spike
Spike, this isn't a blog and it isn't used to talk shit. Scroll back through, it's very factual. And now you've pissed me off and I just might talk shit about you in here. I am going to take the weekend to think about it.
THE SONG: I Found A Reason, Cat Power
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD: that's right
Yeah, it looks like Rickk and Mikey totally listened to me and kept it mellow. I know when Rickk's sober he's always hugging stuffed animals.
Mikey, this site is like porn for you, right? Holy looks for being hammered!
THE SONG: Too Long, Daft Punk
THE PLACE: Daily Photo
THE WORD: caption
Spike got the application on his phone where you can play with a finger board and do tricks and stuff. No, it's not annoying. Why would that be annoying if you're trying to eat dinner and are paying for it as well and the guy across from you is flipping his fingers around on the top of his phone?
Just a heads up to anyone traveling to the rager in the mountains, if Rickk and Mikey don't impress, it's my fault. I asked if they could be courteous enough to not break bones or get arrested. I know, I'm a jerk. But I did get this evidence from Mikey.
Jeron? You earned the coveted award of "NOT A COMPLAINT IN 15 YEARS". Don't let these two jerks drag you down, now. You're too sweet.
Can't remember what GOOD SHIT this would be so I'm not numbering them anymore. But here's today's GOOD SHIT: Best cover ever.
THE SONG: All For One, The Cast of High School Musical
THE PLACE: All
THE WORD: For one
RANCH, SUNGLASSES & A TIE #5: Question: Do you prefer to have Ranch with white wine or red? Rickk's Answer: I'm not big on white wine so it would have to be red.
I think it's fair to note that although he's not big on white wine, if there is only that and water, he's big on white wine.
No sign of Mikey today. Probably at Rampage in the Beverly Center seeing if they carry clothes for dogs yet. Mikey, don't make me put together another intervention. You know how fast I can get The Mez convinced that Hyphy's wardrobe is a problem.
Spike comes back to LA tonight. Or as the rest of us that kept it real call it, home.
THE SONG: Ramble On, Led Zeppelin
THE PLACE: there
THE WORD: shut it
SUNGLASSES, RANCH & A TIE #4: Question: Spike, would you wear a tie if you were getting in a hot tub with Michael Stipe? Answer: No, I would not wear a tie in a hot tub with Michael Stipe.
It's been a long time since Spike took a jacuzzi with Michael but I think Spike just had boxers on when they relaxed and probably talked about The Beastie Boys and music videos. What? It was the 90's, that's all Spike did.
He looks like he's got a lot on his mind.
Sometimes when I'm here at the office and I'm really stressed out, it makes me feel a lot lighter to have Mikey drop by with a fluffy drink from Starbucks and his dog wearing a sweater, studded collar and a bandana. Your dog and Bret Michaels have the same wardrobe, that's hot.
THE SONG: Controversy, Prince
THE PLACE: this column
THE WORD: caution
SUNGLASSES, RANCH & A TIE #3: Question: Would you wear sunglasses to pilates? Mikey's Answer: Now that would be straight up creepy so the answer is NO!
Weird, can't remember the last time being creepy stood in the way of him doing anything. Must be growing up.
When I mentioned that Alex wasn't getting laid as much as Mikey, I was totally kidding. Watch the Lakai documentary, Alex mentions that he landed a trick, had a check in his back pocket and only needed to get laid to make it a perfect day. You only say stuff like that if you get laid a lot. Like John Stamos type a lot.
You know how you can tell the recession hasn't hit your life yet? When you leave yourself a business note and Rickk sees it as a canvas.
And of course, Spike is an artist as well.
Really surrounded myself with some quality people. Feeling good about 2009 and just the future in general.
THE SONG: The Battle of Evermore, Led Zeppelin
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD: now
Both Wizard Ben and I think Rickk's comments about The Celtics are childish. Grow up, Rickk.
SUNGLASSES, RANCH AND A TIE #2: Waiting on answers from both The V.I.P of V.P's and the celebrated director. Basically if this new feature doesn't work out because I am waiting on answers from them, I'll just start making shit up. You guys don't want that, believe me.
Hershel didn't wish me a Happy New Year yet. I hope it turns out that we are related (our families are from the same region in Russia). I'm going to turn the entire "good" part of the family on you, Hershel. Tell them you have no work ethic and you show up here drunk. Make them think I keep you only because I feel sorry for you and because your girlfriend needs cigarette money all the time.
You know how I know that people take viagra sometimes just as a recreational drug? Rickk told me.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD TODAY is this guy, Tony Larson. He worked here for 8 years or something like that and we had a going away party for him when he left and he was like, "oh, we'll see each other even more now that we don't work together". Weird, we haven't seen him since that party. Don't think we won't drive to Leucadia and kick your ass. When I say "we", I mean EA.
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NOW WHO'S A BITCH?