THE SONG: Florida, Modest Mouse
THE PLACE: Florida
THE WORD: Lulabelle!
You blew it Hewlett Packard. Big time. You could have bought us. We would have taken 12.9 billion. Wasted a million, your bad
Since we're not having a shrine anymore, I am dedicating a new feature to Spike. It's called JOCK OF THE DAY. Spike doesn't like jocks but he'll tell that story another time. Here's to you, Jonzey.
Today's JOCK OF THE DAY is Dick Cheney. He has the most common trait in jocks, he's an asshole
And speaking of Spike, I wanted to make sure that everyone knew that when I posted this picture and said that Spike had a concept to hold each product in the catalog and be in the photo with each product, I was totally kidding. He's a visionary but he's no egomaniac.
And for those of you quick thinkers out there that might say, "well, he could be an egomaniac, he put himself as the center piece in this video he made", you're just stupid. This person dancing in this video is a character Spike's playing, not really Spike. Right, Spike?
Sorry there was no Chick yesterday, here's his profile. Probably hurts to be that cute.
Gav, I don't want to put any strain on your and Rickk's friendship because he and Mikey are two of my favorite people in the whole world (especially today) but yesterday when you told Rickk to make sure he didn't leave because you needed a ride back to Podium, right when the door shut he said, "weird, I don't even have a car with me today". So after a few minutes I told him he should call you and let you know so you could grab a ride with someone else, he said, "he'll figure it out". Just thought you might want to know the whole story.
THE SONG: Tomorrow, Def Leppard
THE PLACE: tomorrow
THE WORD: tomorrow
Come back tomorrow for new pictures of Chick, a Lu-labelle update (she's cooking), an update on why jocks suck from Spike and I'm sure a photo of Rickk or Mikey from my bulletin board.
THE SONG: Sk8er Boi, Avril Lavigne
THE PLACE: Mikey's world
THE WORD: skater girl
We figured out earlier that The Mez is irritated by about 95% of everything Mikey says. You're a patient man, Mez, I work hard to not hit 98%.
You can sort of get the feel for what he's thinking if you look in his eyes. I have to tell him all the time, "stop being so cute, enough".
THE SONG: Too Much Of A Good Thing, Bon Jovi
THE PLACE: this column
THE WORD: Mikey, Spike, Chick and Rickk
Mikey, I'm not saying you have ever done Ecstasy and I'm not saying you ever would but let's just say Vancouver might not be where you want to celebrate New Years this year. They're about 30 million hits shorter of "E" then usual.
And one more thing Mikey, have you done the apple trick in under a minute?
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD today is a photo of Rickk and Spike's nephew, Jake.
I know what you're thinking but he can't help it. I can't believe it half the time.
A lot of Quiksilver hats floating around the offices today. If you want to buy us, Quiksilver, it's going to take more then some fancy hats. Hats won't even get you a cloud.
Spike, I didn't get your message from last night until this morning so you can imagine how smart you sounded saying, "the Lakers are going to totally lose tonight". I thought about calling you back but I figured you're probably stuck in some meeting at Warner where you're on the web on your Iphone reading Crailtap and it would just make my post look longer to include this. And you would get to read your own name which I know you like to do so one more win win for you and I. You're welcome and love you, too.
THE SONG: Ceremony, Joy Division
THE PLACE: LA
THE WORD: Kobe!
Mikey, Hyde is expanding into Vegas. That LA crowd mixed with that OC crowd? Pretty insane.
Ridiculous, right? I wonder what he's thinking.....
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD today is Mikey with a scarf. I'm rounding out too much Rickk and Spike from this feature. We'll get back to them tomorrow.
THE SONG: Los Angeles, X
THE PLACE: the most valuable place
THE WORD: Kobe
I didn't see anything in Fully Flared anywhere near this awesome
All you haters can sit around at your house tonight and since you can't celebrate this, celebrate your douchebaggery!
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD today is Rickk in the first car he ever owned, a bright blue Integra. The first time he saw it, Spike asked him if he got a deal on the car because the color was so gay. (And for those of you that emailed me asking if I have any pictures from my bulletin board that aren't Rickk or Spike, the answer is yes. I have a lot of Mikey).
THE SONG: Cindo De Mayo, Herp Alpert & The Tijuana Brass
THE PLACE: earth
THE WORD: lambada
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD TODAY is the hunky european man we here at Girl call President. Body fat levels still exactly the same 20 years later.
I'm fine with Tough Guy wearing a fake tongue and being handcuffed during business hours but that tapestry in the back round with the guy in the bandana isn't going to fly. I know your dad gives you gifts, Tough Guy but hang them up at home, buddy
Team Hu$tle put forth the challenge of Natalia being able to eat 6 saltine crackers in 60 seconds on Friday. Bets were placed and, long story short, Team Hu$tle paid out over $100 in cash to the winners. But we (Team Hu$tle) had no idea the men of Girl would form a circle of intimidation around Natalia which is essentially cheating.
Here's Natalia winning fair and square without a bunch of bullies to throw her off her game.
THE SONG: Show You How To Hustle, Pharrell and Lauren
THE PLACE: lunch table
THE WORD: Natalia
Annoying update; Spike, Mike and Frosty can't hold a candle to what Rickk is throwing down.
Euro V-Neck Tom is about to be hustled.
Chuck is headed to Las Vegas this weekend so if you're a Vegas cop and you see a drunk girl with Hello Kitty jewelry on, don't tase her. She's gentle.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD today is from Spike's birthday party in 1995. I nailed the exact year of the photo from the size of Tremaine. His cheeks haven't been this slim since the mid 90's.
THE SONG: Can't Knock The Hustle, Jay-Z
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD: saltine crackers
Today I realized that I can parallel park better then Mikey. Basically if we were releasing a parallel parking video, I'd have last part. (Just trying to mix in a skate reference from time to time so people stop calling me a poser).
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD today is Rickk when he was still experimenting with hair styles and finding himself.
This column continues to tank.
THE SONG: Positive Vibration, Bob Marley
THE PLACE: me
THE WORD: here
Too optimistic to even post. Check back tomorrow.
THE SONG: Welcome, The Who
THE PLACE: Laker Fan Club
THE WORD: Bird
Mikey told me yesterday that he's going to "start getting his shit together". You know what that means? Someone might be getting a chain wallet!
Atiba, what's your dogs name?
Gav, I was on my phone in my car yesterday and I saw where you flicked your cigarette butt on the front lawn at Girl. You're on a one month ban, dude. You can go to lunch with the frat but you're not allowed on the property, you meet them at the restaurant.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD today is Spike wearing white jeans. EA, take notes.
THE SONG: Birthday, The Sugarcubes
THE PLACE: Heaven and Earth
THE WORD: Mom and Savanna
Bird, would it make you mad to know that after I finish writing my column each day, I blow on my fingers to cool them off? Just checking.
I heard yesterday that it's the 25th anniversary of Michael Jackson's Thriller. It cost 500K to make that video and it sold 10 million copies. Really? 500K to make that? Yeah, right.
I hope you enjoyed the now retired "MEET "THE" STAFF" feature. I couldn't stand my own interviewing skills and today when I tried to do the 3rd of the interviews, the person I interviewed said after I interviewed him, "I thought you would ask more provocative questions". I had asked him about drug tests and shark attacks. Feels good to have that monkey off my back.
Sweet tin, Ben.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD today is Mikey bowling. Cool style.
THE SONG: Fancy, Yeah Yeah Yeah's
THE PLACE: Olive Garden
THE WORD: River's Bday
Bird's not getting a Gasol jersey, he's getting a Vujacic jersey. I'll track down some of those leather head bands he uses to keep his hair back. I want you to do this right, Kel. Welcome to the team.
Rickk is looking for a sponsor to enter the World Series Poker Tournament. Entry fee is about 10K, which he could come up with but why spend his money when he can spend yours. You'll get your logo on Canada's favorite son and we'll get going on getting him a room here.
I'm changing the name from HALF STAFF which was originally PEOPLE THAT MIGHT WORK AT NIKE SOMEDAY. The new official name is MEET "THE" STAFF. Great, right?
Today we meet Savanna, the best receptionist in all of Torrance. And the world.
THE SONG: Where Is My Mind, Pixies
THE PLACE: My mind
THE WORD: where
Yesterday Carnalag told me he thought the large format printer upstairs was a time clock or toaster oven or something. It feels good to make a huge investment in equipment like that only to find out some of the designers don't know what it is.
Those aren't acrylic nails, those are Chuck's real nails. She'll cut you and disable the reverse beeper device on your Prius.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD today is....well....just look for yourself. Words can't describe this level of cuteness.
THE SONG: Piece of Me, Britney Spears
THE PLACE: Natalia's foot
THE WORD: ink
No word back from Bird on that tattoo idea but I did hear from my "associate" that Bird is so disgusted with Houston's performance in the playoffs, he's considering getting a Gasol jersey and backing the Lakers to the championships. Can't tell what this says about his fuse, but I like it, Kel. A lot.
I'm adding yet another feature to this column. I was going to call it PEOPLE THAT MIGHT WORK AT NIKE SOMEDAY but I am tired of trademark lawsuits so I decided to call it HALF STAFF. It's a look at the people here at Girl, a "clip of the day" of the staff, if you will.
I'm kicking it off with River Joe because no one cares about the cleanliness of the fridge more then him and I like that in an employee.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD today is Rickk, judging from that velvet Pottery Barn couch, probably playing a little Bryan Adams.
THE SONG: If We Were a Movie, Hannah Montana
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD: St Elmos Fire
A lot of people ask me if Bird is a different person now that he's a married man. I think they mean does he still have a very very short fuse. Let's find out.
Hey Bird, would this be a funny tattoo for Jerry Sloan to get after this round of the playoffs? (I'll let you know his reaction).
Remember last week when I posted this photo and said that Spike sent over a proposal to have him hold each item in the catalog as a new catalog concept? That was just a joke, he didn't propose that. That would be totally absurd and take a really self absorbed person to come up with
Moving forward, if you put Mikey on "the list" plus one, make sure you have some dog biscuits behind the bar. Dogs as an evening accessory are the new hash.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD today is a photo of Rickk. Looks like he spun through Boston on his most recent tour. The bulletin board behind him screams "busy"
THE SONG: Trying Your Luck, The Strokes
THE PLACE: Hustler Casino
THE WORD: skill
Yesterday Frosty came in my office with a new knee injury and I told him that if I was him, I would probably quit skating. I'm pretty sure he wasn't interested in my advice.
Mikey, I found your dream girl. I think you know what she means by "different".
There's a restaurant down the street from Girl, almost directly across the street from Podium. Not sure who is doing the marketing but this is parked out front to pull customers in. Yeah, those are mannequins with sexy hair styles pretending to be enjoying a meal on a trailer attached to a Toyota wagon. Bird almost crashed when he saw it, those are the hottest mannequins he'd ever seen.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD today is a younger Rickk and his grandfather. You can tell from the small shrine to Rickk's left, he's his family's favorite pro skater.
THE SONG: Most Valuable Player, Nancy Tucker
THE PLACE: NBA
THE WORD: You know his name
Yesterday someone emailed me and asked why we were pissed at Larson for leaving. It's like being dumped, that's why. And not just dumped, dumped for a hotter richer chick that lives in San Diego. You'd be sour, too
I know lots of you have been panting, waiting for this love affair to end. Now Mikey is saying both Rickk and Spike stole his words in the quote about filming skating and porn and he feels they butchered his words in the process.
Mikey knows more about porn then I even care to admit so I'll say he said it.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD today is from an idea Spike pitched to us for a catalog where he would be photographed holding each product and he would be in every photo. We just pretended we never got the email with the proposal in it.
THE SONG: Why Don't We Get Drunk, Jimmy Buffet
THE PLACE: Denver
THE WORD: Carmelo
Bird is waiting on me for something and it feels like I have a paper due at school. So much pressure.
Spike, I don't want to say who or where or what but Rickk said you stole his quote in that interview I emailed to you earlier. And then he said, "what a dick". And I defended your honor by making a note to include that in my column.
Ben, you're really awesome.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD today is a picture of some cupcakes I made for Larson one year. And I hand made each flag because I had no idea he was going to just saunter in my office one day and resign. Had I known that, I would have bought him ice cream bars at Smart and Final.
THE SONG: Funland at The Beach, Dead Kennedy's
THE PLACE: The beach
THE WORD: Rickk
Jonzey, just to confirm, Punk is not dead. Sorry for the bunk information I gave you last week.
Mikey just came in my office and told me he doesn't like his hair cut and he's going to skate. You see how he does it? He can't sweat the small stuff because there is no small stuff.
Chris Paul can't do this.
Looks like Larson booked a speaking engagement. Nice, Tone.
THE SONG: Not A Minute Too Soon, Go Like Hell
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD: weekend
Go buy your girlfriend a t-shirt. Or if you are one of our 7 female followers, get one for yourself www.rubyrepublic.com
Rickk, I know you like to keep close track of your standings. Yesterday I spent twice as much time with Mikey and Spike then I did with you and you would still be the most annoying for the day. And Mikey was 40 minutes late for a meeting and Spike punched me too hard in the side, they still couldn't hold a candle to you. Congrats.
If Chuck was a cat.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD today is Mettee back when he use to work in the sales department. Long before anyone on Level Two wanted to fight him.
THE SONG: Sell Me Out, Bloodsimple
THE PLACE: the bank
THE WORD: Billabong?
Who started this? The Mez started this. But if Smyth was a cat.
When Ben's worlds collide. Everyone knows a leprechaun can't beat a wizard.
Spike didn't know there was an actual thing called "street wear" until just a few weeks back, Imagine his surprise yesterday when I told him about "elite street wear".
THE SONG: Ego Tripping at The Gates of Hell, The Flaming Lips
THE PLACE: Here
THE WORD: what's new
Sanger, don't refer to The Mez and I as "those two". That's totally disrespectful.
Again, Meza started this but if Christian in The Art Dump was a cat.
IT'S YOUR TIME TO SHRINE is going to look a little different from now on. Mikey, Rickk and Spike will always be in the shrine because they all feel they should and if you truly feel like you deserve a shrine, you probably do deserve a shrine. And if someone else should deserve a shrine, you'll have to squeeze in with these three pieces of winningness. (This one is temporary).
THE SONG: Smart, Helment
THE PLACE: Here
THE WORD: dudes
Today I scolded Rickk and Mikey for their weekend behavior. Rickk lost his phone and Mikey lost his wallet. Rickk got defensive and said that even if he wasn't drunk, he would have lost his phone because it slips out of his pocket all the time. Mikey said he only loses his wallet when he's black out drunk. Who's the winner?
Again, The Mez started this but if Spike and Andy were cats.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD today is Spike on the set of Being John Malkovich. It's not that good of a photo but consider the subject matter, Spike.
THE SONG: King Of Pain, Police
THE PLACE: Girl
THE WORD: server!
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD today is another one from the Hawaii trip about 12 years ago. Somewhere in between this photo and now, Frosty's metabolism took a turn for the worse and I think he was sort of stacked for a year or so.
IT'S YOUR TIME TO SHRINE today is the same guys that deserved a shrine on Friday. Sometimes when you get it so right, like they always do, you deserve lots of shrines. You might be asking yourself why Spike's head looks so much bigger then Rickk's. Maybe it's metaphorical, Spike.
Mez, you started this but obviously, if Ben was a cat, that's him on the far left.
THE SONG: Thank God, Hank Williams
THE PLACE: Here
THE WORD: Friday
Mikey, I didn't want you to feel left out last night so here is a glimpse of what you missed. That's Jerk #1 flashing a bunch of cash and Jerk #2 flipping you off. Oh, you also missed Spike and Rickk accusing me of being too critical just because I tried to tell them my personal observations and them snapping at me for not being able to shoot photos the way they would like them shot. Feel better now?
IT'S YOUR TIME TO SHRINE today is Rickk and Spike. Just for being so balanced and all knowing.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD today is Jenkins, Lewman, Em and Hannah. Em's first birthday. (Andy, Lew, sorry for mixing you in on Jerk Day, you're not jerks).
THE SONG: Jump, Kris Kross
THE PLACE: Perris
THE WORD: Noon
Diamond Nick and Mikey went skydiving today at noon. Here's the text I got from Mikey:
"I think I jumped through our vacant cloud!!! That was awesome!!!!". You try not to love him, I dare you.
Their motto is "good Fun!" We have no choice but to sell our brands to them.
Mez, if Mikey was a cat and not at the office where fake fights are being staged, he might look like this, right? Or is that a question for the ladies?
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD today is Tony, Frosty a big ramp and soe people.
THE SONG: Miracles Need Wings To Fly, Teena Marie
THE PLACE: Portland
THE WORD: tonight
Mikey, you poser, you'll be texting while "real shit" is going on.
Today when I was leaving for lunch, The Mez rolled the window down in Rickk's car and said, "This is the core car for lunch". Yeah, it is.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN is proof that per diem isn't always spent on food. Especially if you pass a sunglass kiosk.
THE SONG: Through Being Cool
THE PLACE: Earth
THE WORD: $
THE SONG: Tequila, The Ventures
THE PLACE: Tequila
THE WORD: Spike's house, some bar, top of a hotel.....
I'm not sure if The Gav is equipped to be the VP of marketing for a large footwear company if he's not keeping up with the trends. All the cool kids are wearing make up.
Rickk and The Gav have an ongoing argument where they try and blame the other one for instigating whatever trouble breaks out. So who's the instigator? The guy who carries you on his shoulders or the guy who gets up on your shoulders?
First you slap Jenkins and then you light Rickk on fire? You might be a dick, Spike.
THE SONG: Partytime, Too Short
THE PLACE: weekend
THE WORD: you choose
Rickk, it's not a real planet but I think this is an awesome place for you to "network" since Facebook didn't work out for you.
There's a really "cool" hamburger place down the street from our building called Monks. We thought it would be cool if a "super big" company bought them. It was Jenkins' idea, ask him, I can't control all the ideas that come out of this place.
That bakery/deli that I told you about, it's going to have a nitrous tank in the back. Yeah, we're taking Mikey with us too.
PARTS FROMTHE BULLETIN BOARD is one more of The Gav before goatees, Red Dragon tats and jalapeno poppers.
THE SONG: Almost Over, Elliot Smith
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD: this week
We're expanding use of our software program and while discussing it, Smyth said as long as we don't upgrade to a situation where the software can take the team on tour, he's backing the progress.
Bird, yesterday when I told Rick his sponsors were wack, I wasn't including Lakai. Just the other ones. Lakai isn't wack at all.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD is probably one of the scariest photos to date. That's Rickk back in the first year of Girl writing a check to The Gav. Yep, Rickk was the accounting department at one point. You can tell from the look on Tim's face, he was totally comfortable with this.
THE SONG: The New Word, in Flames
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD: wack
I just told Rickk that his sponsors are "wack". This word is changing lives.
Have we totally lost our street cred if we're using the word "imagery" in inner office emails? Thanks, Mettee. one more downfall of the company that we can pin on you.
When Nabisco or some huge company starts a hard goods company and offers our skaters tons of cash that we can't match and we go out of business, we're probably going to open a bakery. Maybe a Bakery/Deli. We're keeping Crankers, though.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD is Hannes, Bucky and The Mez before they were big time. Mez, I hope your wife and parents know you're throwing devil rocker signs when they're not around or this post could be a home wrecker.
THE SONG: Wack M.C.'s, Del Tha Funkee Homosapien
THE PLACE: Everywhere
THE WORD: wack
I'm going to start using the word "wack". I feel like if I don't announce it, I might catch someone off guard with it and then someone, like Ben, might talk shit on me when people are drinking at Smyth's Bar. But I already use "gnarly" and "dude" so why not spread my wings? (Larson, that "spread my wings" part is just for you, you wing spreader). Rick used it today and cracked Callaway up so I'm all over it.
Gav, Hooters is celebrating their 25th anniversary by offering 20% off wings on the 25th of every month. Check your calendar and see you there.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD today is The Gav before he knew about Hooters or wings.
THE SONG: Not So Good, Big Bad Zero
THE PLACE: Staples Center
THE WORD: Do Over
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD today is an old photo of the Jenkins family back when they use to listen to cassettes and wear shower caps. And didn't hate Jackass
The Mez didn't think to mix his two favorite topics together; Ben and weed..
Today in our managers meeting, Tough Guy asked us to excuse his "horse voice" but that he played Rock Star all weekend. Yeah, real tough.
THE SONG: Weekend, Kelis
THE PLACE: Here
THE WORD: Finally
If Bach was alive, today would have been his 323rd birthday.
There was a fist fight in my office yesterday.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD is Bucky Fukumoto. He worked at Girl in the 90's. I think I shot the photo but it was Jenkins' that put the post it notes on the picture. I think Bucky dated a girl at one point that decided she wanted to be with girls rather then boys and it made Bucky a little defensive.
Sanger, I'd pay $40.55 for a seat at a skateboard contest. I know, I wouldn't but I have no content today and I wanted you to know that I read your column. That's what you call "two birds, one stone". I got some content, you feel loved. Or is that called a "win win"?
THE SONG: Man For All Seasons, Bee Gees
THE PLACE: Universe
THE WORD: Paul Scofield, RIP
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD is our old CPA, our old GM and our old friend, Hannes. Another photo from one of our softball games. A company that plays together, stays together. Or not so much, all of these people use to work here. Alright everyone, no more fun.
Sammy, when you're working on the New Era's for the coming season, keep in mind that Ben is pretty cutting edge. A dark ages New Era could make us captains of industry.
Really? You rather buy a Ferrari then a cloud on The Tap? Gay.
THE SONG: Just Go Away, Blondie
THE PLACE: Anywhere
THE WORD: now
Another correction from Buscemi:
"to be accurate and for the record, they were denim over all shorts....i had the flannel over the overall straps with no tee.." That's cool.
Spike, day two is even more exhilarating then yesterday. I feel like a buddhist bird. You know the feeling, you've been on this higher level for years. Again, I owe you.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD is from one of our company softball games. And nope, we didn't even airbrush a shirtless Gav.
THE SONG: Irish Heartbeat, Van Morrison
THE PLACE: My heart
THE WORD: Irish
Ben, Stop! You really need to wait until your wife gets into town to see if she wants you to continue to get all this ink.
Don't get me wrong, they're awesome but you need to consider her feelings as well.
Spike, call me up. My new attitude is still in place and I wanted to share with you how my new outlook is fortifying my entire being. This is great, thanks so much for helping me get more like you.
Buscemi emailed me a little upset about the denim shorts I said he was wearing. He said they didn't have any treatment on them like the ones I pictured. He's right, they were just plain cut offs like the ones Hilary Duff wears. Sorry, Jon, my bad.
THE SONG: Bad Attitude, Deep Purple
THE PLACE: My office
THE WORD: no more
Oh my God, Ben! So amazing. This one looks even better then the one on your nipple. I like your bedspread, too.
Buscemi came by today and he had on shorts like these. Jon, I didn't know how to tell you but they were really gay. So I figured the proper thing to do would be to reach out to you in my column. You're welcome.
Our attorney reads this column so I thought I should also note the fact that when I told Rickk to go home a little while ago, he threatened to pee in my office.
Monday's a new me. You asked for it, Spike. Be prepared to live without the old me, Fucker.
THE SONG: Sweet Cloud, The Kills
THE PLACE: sweet
THE WORD: ebay
Ben, that came out really good.
We're celebrating Ron Howard's birthday today. No, not Rickk, Ron. We only celebrate it because one time someone called for a return authorization on a "Ron Howard deck". That's a true fan.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD is a dollar. Not sure where it came from or who put it up there but it was up there.
THE SONG: Don't Miss Out On Gods Best, Gloria Sapp
THE PLACE: ebay
THE WORD: cloud
Yesterday I came back from lunch and Rickk was in the parking lot in his underwear talking to Reese Forbes who was holding a basket of strawberries and wearing a fitted black tank top. I couldn't get my camera out in time to capture the full gayness of that moment so this is just moments after. Rickk has a big ass, right?
It's been a while since I posted a Golds Gym Update but yesterday I learned the word, "Friendimies". It's when you are friends with someone that you can't stand. I can't imagine that, what's that like?
Largest beer bong in the world. See Crankers in there? He''s wearing a white t-shirt.
THE SONG: So Tired, Birdman
THE PLACE: Here
THE WORD: Now
Larson liked being in a shrine but not in a photo where he looked fat. So he sent a new one shot "just 23 seconds before" he sent it to me to show off his new boyish figure. And I thought the Mez was a chick.
Call me crazy but shouldn't she
be bidding on something
We're weave free on Level One.
What do you think he's trying to tell me? I hate the thought of someone I love reaching out and me missing the message.
THE SONG: The Second Level, The 100th Monkey
THE PLACE: Girl
THE WORD: posers
You guys have nothing for the Girl invitational on St Patrick's Day. Nothing.
IT'S YOUR TIME TO SHRINE today is Larson. Because if I didn't know Larson, I wouldn't know Paul Nett and that would suck.
Rickk called the new Jamie, "The Whisperer" in a meeting today. It sounded better then just "Whisper", that sounds like a cats name. So you're The Whisperer, Walsh. I think that's a name that could get you a lot of chicks and also scare dudes that might want to fight you at a bar.
Smyth said he thinks I'll come around and eventually allow alcohol to be served here on the premises on holidays. He based this on how racy television has gotten in recent years. Strong theory, Sam. More proof, you were not hired for just your looks.
THE SONG: Your Cloud, Tori Amos
THE PLACE: ebay
THE WORD: bid
Lu-la-belle, this guy went big when he decided to get a goat tattoo but yours is still cuter. Why is his goat wearing bracelets? And is he playing a weird tuba?
Mikey suggested I start watching The Bad Girls Club on the Oxygen channel. It's pretty much just a house full of chicks that smoke and drink and threaten each other. I'm hooked.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD is Gino and Buscemi, living proof that Long Island is it's own fashion mecca.
THE SONG: Good News First, RUSH
THE PLACE: Lakers
THE WORD: that's all
THE SONG: Winners and Losers, Social Distortion
THE PLACE: Lakers
THE WORD: Sacramento
If I was going to keep doing that SAME DIFFERENCE feature as a regular thing, today would have been River Joe and
Phil Mustard who both broke their noses this week. Phil is a famous cricket player from England. River broke his nose playing a real sport, hockey. And when he broke it, I'm guessing he didn't get down on all fours while his boyfriend stopped the bleeding.
IT'S YOUR TIME TO SHRINE today is John McCain because you're crazier then the dude we have now and you managed to get almost half the country behind you
In case you thought we didn't have any employees here at Girl still getting wacky tats, think again. She's so stoked she had to get fake tears. And FYI, Young Natalia was recently jailed for having a fake ID but she told me not to worry, she has more then the one they confiscated
THE SONG: Castle On A Cloud, Les Miserables
THE PLACE: Ebay
THE WORD: bidding war
Yesterday Spike called me to wonder if I was ruining his street cred by talking about his assistant and his rules for his apartment in NY. You know what is worse for your street cred? Calling people and wondering about it. Heart you.
Remember the new feature I was going to add, SAME DIFFERENCE, but decided against it? Well the next one would have been Diamond Nick and Eddie Van Halen. Both recently fell off the sobriety wagon. At least Nick didn't have to cancel shows at major arenas, he just gained 10 pounds from drinking beer.
IT'S YOUR TIME TO SHRINE today is the band A Lightning Bolt Scar. They consider themselves, "Wizard Rock". I think when you have more confidence then talent, life is simple.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD is Jeron at one of our holiday party's. He's not afraid to wear a leather jacket, just one more reason to like Jeron Wilson.
THE SONG: No Not Again, The Tubes
THE PLACE: Front Office
THE WORD: receptionist
Smyth sent me this photo of Ben. Nice pose, Ben. Did it feel awkward holding a camera?
Remember I was going to start another feature in this column called SAME DIFFERECE but I decided no to? Well, if I had done it, the second one would have been My Little Lula-belle and Jason Williams of the Miami Heat. They both have goat tattoo's.
IT'S YOUR TIME TO SHRINE today is Sacajawea. I learned about her when we learned about Lewis and Clark in the 3rd grade. I was so into her that I dressed as her for Halloween for three straight year. Then Jenkin's gave me a DVD box set about her life and it turned out she might have been a little bit of a whore.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD today is Tough Guy's dad. His name is Frank. Why do I have a photo on my bulletin board of Tough Guy's dad drinking champagne? Well, it's a long story that frankly, Tough Guy and I are both not too comfortable with
THE SONG: Ladies Day, Bobby Humphrey
THE PLACE: Leap Year
THE WORD: Today
Someone sent me an email yesterday saying that since I didn't know who the guy on the far left in this photo was when I posted it the other day, I should change the name of my column to POSER POSER POSER. That's fine with me, I'll check with Jenkins, The Mez and Carnahan in the web meeting next week and see what I can do.
I was going to add yet another regular feature to my column called SAME DIFFERENCE. It's two different people that share the same sentiment. But then after I thought about the first one I was going to post, which was Spike and The Gav both thinking beer is for kids, I canned it. I'll let you know Monday what the next one was going to be.
IT'S YOUR TIME TO SHRINE today is Tommy Lee. Why? Because even though he says really stupid stuff when he's making a home sex tape, my sister and I are forever bonded from sitting front row at the Forum and crying when his drum cage spun.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD is Dan Field pretending he was the receptionis. Very crappy photo but if you look closely you can see Hannes in distant grey.
THE SONG: Get Off My Cloud, Rolling Stones
THE PLACE: Here
THE WORD: Just for now
IT'S YOUR TIME TO SHRINE today is The Gav. Why? Because without any warning, back in the mid 90's, he moved to the valley and got super in to Sublime, quit skating but never stopped getting royalty checks. That's fantastic.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD is Frosty modeling a backpack. Sweet profile.
THE SONG: This House Is Not For Sale, Ryan Adams
THE PLACE: This House
THE WORD: Not for sale
Spike, Rickk and Mikey, The NY Apartment, Part 2. Spike came out and told Rickk that he did tell his assistant to call and she really didn't want to make the call, this might indicate Spike is a dick but maybe not. Rickk got defensive (weird) and said that the heat was on when he got there and then asked what is the big deal if you leave the shades up, this might make Rickk a dick. Spike explained that if they are left up, it can effect the wood on the window frames. And Mez, not to drag you into this but Rickk and Mikey should know that you feel they blew your chances of a free place to stay when you go to NY.
IT'S YOUR TIME TO SHRINE today is Crazy 8's! Why? Because he's the best. I know, I know, I said I hated him but he demanded a trade and that was lame. And it's not like I went and became a Clipper fan.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD is Guy and a bunch of people in a hotel room. Look how cute Jeron's hair is!
THE SONG: Cloud Nine, The Temptations
THE PLACE: Crailtap
THE WORD: you'll see...
I have decided to use my column to straighten things out with Mike, Rickk and Spike. They are all very crappy communicators. Rickk, Mike and Cairo stayed at Spike's apartment in NY last weekend. Yesterday, after they were back, Spike's assistant sent them an email letting them know they left the shades up, the heat on and the door unlocked. Neither of them spoke to Spike so they don't know if he told his assistant to call them or if it's her job to call each guest that stays at Spike's place and doesn't leave it as Spike would like it left. They are wondering if Spike is mad at them, if they should think he's a picky prick or where they all stand.
(You're welcome, guys. Glad I could help).
I just remembered that the guest front page photo poster this week is the person that shot the photos of girls pillow fighting in Fourstar half tops. Post those, those are incredible in so many ways.
IT'S YOUR TIME TO SHRINE today is Neil Diamond. Why? Because before you all went and whiskered jeans, pegged them, painted them and stone washed them, he was singing "Forever in Blue Jeans".
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD is Rickk and some dork he talked into dressing up as Wayne and Garth from Wayne's World. Simpler times.
THE SONG: We Gotta Get Out Of This Place, The Animals
THE PLACE: MTV
THE WORD: Cairo, Rickk and Mikey
Tremaine, what camera were they filming you with? Everyone else looked pretty true to size but the camera on you was adding 30 pounds.
I'm adding a new feature to my column called, IT'S YOUR TIME TO SHRINE. I built a shrine over the weekend (long story) and I'll feature something or someone that deserves a shrine once in a while.
Obviously I could have kicked it off with Rickk, Mikey and Spike but since Spike bit my head off on Friday on the phone and Mikey keeps not being able to keep track of his checks, that's not happening.
IT'S YOUR TIME TO SHRINE today is Jeremy Carnahan. Why? Because he takes notes in meetings and he likes goats.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD is a younger more formal Emmet Jenkins. He's so cute it hurts.
THE SONG: Taking Care of Business, BTO
THE PLACE: Ben
THE WORD: Not
In case you were wondering...
The new guy, Whisper, is so nervous around me. Dude, it's so hard to get fired from this place. Seriously relax.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD is my favorite team manager, my favorite vice president and a guy I don't know.
THE SONG: So TIred, Eric Clapton
THE PLACE: Here
THE WORD: Now
THE SONG: Help Me, Joni Mitchel
THE PLACE: Here
THE WORD: Now
Larson got a new phone number. The last four numbers spell out, "TELY". You should really utilize that in strip clubs, Tone. Those girls love smart funny guys.
Crampy, isn't Globe like the most high tech company in all of action sports? Get Smyth some internet. Did you know I write "action sports" in my column a lot because it makes people here mad? It's true. I'm passive aggressive.
So it looks like Deluxe has no interest in Rickk and the Wizard. It's a lot of salary to pay out for slaps on the neck and no photos. What about if we throw Mikey in? You guys need anyone to hang around and point out all the things that might go wrong?
There's one of these in our parking lot. Everyday.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD is proof that Tremaine had a double chin before they were cool.
THE SONG: "He's Back," Alice Cooper
THE PLACE: Level 2
THE WORD: Carnahan
I didn't mention the return of Carnahan yesterday because I knew after taking a few days off, The Mez would be stealing my material. So I let him mention it, make him feel important.
But I would like to properly welcome back the tougher half of The Desert Twins. Just know, Jeremy, that next time you resign, I will not beg for you to come back. I will simply burn all the photos I have of you and tell EA to find a new best friend. And maybe fake cry, like I did when Larson left.
Hey Ben, when Rickk gets his new job at Deluxe, I'll have him ask if they need a staff photographer who prints everything in invisible ink. Maybe if they can pay you in invisible dollars, they'll feel more like they're getting their money's worth.
This guy pretty much bonded Reda and I for life. He's The Glove Guy. Coolest guy in the South Bay.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD is an autographed photo of Rickk and Spike renting a car.
THE SONG: "Four Days," Counting Crows
THE WORD: RIckk, Mike, Gav and Callaway
THE PLACE: New Orleans
Today there was a three month old baby in my office crying and The Mez said, "Sounds like you're in a meeting in here with Eric or Mikey." Guess The Mez thinks you two are babies. Not me, I think you guys are super grown up.
Rickk told me last week that it would be more fun to work at Deluxe because when he was up there a few weeks ago, they offered him an alcoholic beverage during work hours.
If anyone at Deluxe sees a need for a fireworks specialist or heavy handed Canadian with a Coca Cola vending machine contract, give us a call. We can have him there by Wednesday.
We have two Jamie's working here now, both dudes and both in sales and they're room mates. Should I make the newer Jamie go by his middle or last name? I might just call the newer Jamie, "Whisper" because the older Jamie is really soft spoken and the newer Jamie is even more soft spoken. That's what I'll do because that name can also be used for tagging and possibly rapping. Welcome, Whisper Walsh.
There is no "credit claim" in the word "team," Spike.
THE SONG: "Brand New Day," Van Morrison
THE WORD: Ruby
THE PLACE: Here
Damn. It is going to be so hard to ever fire Ben. He is so sweet. Might have to do the old "vibe him out of the building."
Or maybe even just move the company and don't tell him.
Last night on LA INK this girl that wanted to get a tattoo brought in a picture of her frog that had died. He was on a Tech Deck. That's all.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD is a young Ferguson and a young Mikey with a weird hair tint.
THE SONG: "Wednesday Morning 3am," Simon and Garfunkel
THE WORD: Bed
THE PLACE: Awake
Ben left for Australia. I think Smyth cares enough about him and his future to shoot some photos and just pretend Ben shot them. You're a good man, Sam.
Do you cry in your office at least three times a week? Ok, good.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD is Frosty back when he used to come over every Wednesday to watch Melrose Place. I forgot I decorated my apartment in shabby chic. Terrible.
THE SONG: "How Soon Is Now," Morrissey
THE WORD: This Week
THE PLACE: This Place
That wooden spear thing that Larson left here is some rare Indonesian artifact. He said if we threw it away he would put some voodoo on us. Then I told him when he resigned and I cried, that I was faking. Take that voodoo, fool.
Went upstairs to drop something off with Jenkins and checked in on Ben. He said, "just killing time and waiting for lunch." Cool, Ben. Check out this link while you're "killing time."
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD is a younger, sweeter, less apple tricked Mikey.
THE SONG: "Man On The Move," MX-80
THE WORD: Talent Manager
THE PLACE: China, SF, Australia, Northwest, etc
On a scale of 1-10, 1 being not so excited and 10 being ecstatic, here's how we all rank on Caranlag's return:
The Mez : 9
Rickk : 10
EA : 11
Mettee : 2
Ringer : 12
Would have been an amazing average if Mettee hadn't fucked it up. Nice, Brian.
Smyth told a pretty funny joke today in our managers meeting, he said, "Ben's coming in for a photo meeting." We all laughed hysterically.
Hey Crampy, Airline tickets to Australia aren't exactly cheap so next year move your contest or buy a jet. Pretty irritated with your little rosie red cheeks right now.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD is from a trip that Eric, Rickk, The Gav and Rudy took to Hawaii one year. You might be saying to yourself, "that photo is the gayest thing I've ever seen from an all guys trip" but that would only be because you haven't seen the photos they took of each other on mopeds.
THE SONG: "You Are Too Beautiful," John Coltrane and Johnny Hartman
THE WORD: Your Hair
THE PLACE: Chuck's Head
Ben called me to ask me if he went and bought a I-Phone, how would he get it on the company phone plan. At least the I-Phone has a camera which means maybe he might get a photo? Ben? Maybe a photo with the I-Phone that you're probably going to turn in a reimbursement form for?
Someone asked me earlier today what I thought Rick McCranks type of girl was. I think this is pretty accurate if you put a beer bong in one of her hands. Right, Crankers?
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD is a photo of Spike before he sky dove one time. After the sky dive, he and Rickk had the choice to pick from two songs to go with the video of their jump. The choices were "Jump" by Van Halen or "Freefalling" by Tom Petty. I can't remember which one they chose so that really means I typed all that for nothing.
THE SONG: "San Francisco Days," Chris Isaak
THE PLACE: SF
THE WORD: Fourstar
Remember how I was begging Carnahan (or as I called him when I was mad at him for leaving, Carnajerk) to come back? Well, he came to his senses and he's coming back! He's going to be in a cubicle next to Mikey and Rudy which means he's going to see a lot of rare porn and hear the word "trippy" quite a bit.
Ben, I gave your paycheck to Sam and he looked like I was handing him an albino possum. Why would he be so shocked that you were getting a check? Oh, that's right, because we still haven't seen any work.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD is a bunch of Canadians. Going to go out on a limb and guess this photo is really really old. Like, way before Sluggo called Rickk a "rocket scientist."
THE SONG: "Nothing to Do," The Donna's
THE PLACE: Girl
THE WORD: Mikey
This isn't good for our friendship with UK Matt.
Yesterday at lunch The Mez told Mikey that he didn't like his haircut. I guess when you were born with hair that has feathered perfectly you entire life, you can say stuff like that.
I would tell Mikey to push The Mez' sensitive buttons, but seeing that Mikey has a gut now, it just won't work.
Hey Larson, in addition to leaving the original oil painting that Rickk did here when you left and earning you the pet name, "Jerk", you also left some sort of wooden carved spear thing. Do you want that or can we make a bong out of it? Let us know.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD is Jenkins' better half about to have her way with a chocolate bunny.
THE SONG: "Like, Long Hair," Paul Revere and The Raiders
THE PLACE: Chuck and Meg's heads
THE WORD: Pretty
If you don't have a Valentine, at least now you have plans.
Spike sent me this photo of him and Johnny in a helicopter. The subject of the email just said, "Oklahoma." They must be making a remake of the old musical.'t
Didn't take long for Ben to not only get totally lazy but to become a demanding son of a bitch. When coordinating for his new computer he said, "And non glossy, that shit sucks." Good to see you picked up on how to fit in so quickly.
THE SONG: " Commercial Breaks," D12
THE PLACE: Superbowl
THE WORD: Jenkins
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD is Cliver and Emerson. Actually, they're both Cliver but I would feel weird calling a 4 year-old by their last name.
Smyth, while you're in China, I wanted to keep you up to date on things. Today in our managers meeting, River told us that Costco has insane churros. And Richard told us that he drank beer from a micro brewery in San Diego and felt crappy. And Mettee is buying a new driver for his flourishing golf game. Hope you're able to catch up to all this once you get back.
THE SONG: "Ear Wax," Bauhaus
THE PLACE: Alex's Ear
THE WORD: Caramel
(a Correction from yesterday, I mixed up THE PLACE and THE WORD. Read it now, now it's hilarious.)
I don't really know Don Brown that well but he's asked me for three favors in the last three weeks. First he asked me for Rickk's cell phone number so he could get permission to try and steal a rider, then he asked me for a reference on one my past employees and finally he asked me to forward an email to Spike from one of his old European friends.
No more favors until early 2010, Don. I'm busy, too.
And Don, I didn't know you use to do that weird freestyle dance type skating, that's crazy. Rickk just told me that.
On an etiquette note, when you're trying to help Mikey figure out how to set up his office and Rickk interrupts twice, you simply say, "Don't" and he'll get the message. Even if you feel like saying, "Butt the fuck out" you don't say that, it's rude.
After a lot of consideration, we're not going to sell the company to a big beverage company. The Mez told us yesterday that it's even more work being bought and bossed around by the new people that buy you. His wife must have told him that, there's no way he knew that.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD is VP Mikey. He could be checking on truck samples or trying to track down some E.
THE SONG: "Ear Wax," Bauhaus
THE PLACE: Caramel
THE WORD: Alex's Ear
Mez, thanks for policing Ben with me, appreciate it. Considering I don't ever watch the Clip of The Day and Smyth does a photo gallery of most everything, I think he's still underperforming. Let me know your thoughts. Write him up if you feel like it. And since you're new to being a supervisor, three write ups and he's out of here.
Mark your iCal for February 14, 2008.
Hershel, the new guy that The Mez spoke of, is stealing The Mez from EA. Be patient, EA. Your true love will be back soon.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD is my nephew Nate at his pre-school graduation. Flip flops with your cap and gown is usually mean total success.
THE SONG: "Good Bye, Nice Try," Daniel Meteo
THE PLACE: USA
THE WORD: Edwards
Frosty, the last sentence of this article is really all that matters. For the right price, this guy will be a Mavericks fan. That's much more shameful then anything Cuban has ever done. Even trying to dance competitively.
Hey Ben, at the very least, take some photos of the guys getting their feet rubbed. I know I told you that you get two weeks paid vacation each year but it's pretty ballsy to take that vacation during the first two weeks you start your position.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD is a photo we've posted many a times. Gav, when he was in "college."
THE SONG: "Epidemic," Slayer
THE PLACE: Here
THE WORD: Flu
Whoever put the old Direct TV box on top of the microwave can eat a dick. While you're at it, have a side of garbonzo beans with that dick since you're probably the same person that put those in the fridge.
Mez, you really thought at some point in your life that you would be living like this? Really? Was it because your mom is fan of card games? Or did you have a weird dream? I'm just trying to draw the connection between you and anything in this photo. OK, let me know, I'm right downstairs.
Larson suggested we replace our love and passion for the goat with the naked mole rat. That's awesome Tone, Is DC paying you in peyote?
That thing looks like it would be so cool to cuddle with.
THE SONG: "Get To Work," Voodoo Death Beat
THE PLACE: China
THE WORD: Level 2 Troll
Hey Ben, let me know if you want me to send you a job description. You've been working here for a week and we've seen exactly zero photos of the team.
Larson told me The Patriots are going to win the Super Bowl because Brady gets to shower with Gisele. Slick logic, Tone, San Diego is definitely one up on us with you as a resident.
In the course of reviewing time off requests today, I saw the words, "wifey," "man-ternity" and "nasty tooth". Why wouldn't Red Bull want to buy us? We're pretty street.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD is a blurry picture of three of my favorite people in the whole world.
Want to see how Lu looks right before she goes to jail? Same as always, cute.
THE SONG: "Far East Man," Guitar Wolf
THE PLACE: China
THE WORD: Chocolate
I want to establish a new policy with all International Distributors. Let's just agree on a half hug and call it a day. Every time we have an open house I end up kissing someone on the mouth because we're going side to side with the Euro kiss. Some people do it three times, some two, it's just confusing. And Federico, this goes for you, too. Just a hug and we're good. (Unless you want to add like a fist click in there or something so we look more street). When I'm in your country, we'll do it your way. And Supra Pete, you just keep doing what all of Canada does: Whatever America does.
Spike, why are you reading this? Go answer the question I sent you from The Mez. How do you expect him to have the best blog in all of Action Sports if you don't do your part?
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD was from a Fourstar shoot in Japan. Frosty, stick with that pose, it's powerful.
THE SONG: "Birthday Boy," Pet Shop Boys
THE PLACE: Vancouver
THE WORD: Crankers
We're at Half Staff right now, about 50% of us have the flu, Sam is in China. And Rickk and Mikey are down the street at Podium. Pretty much a downer after a day of goats, Nick Diamond and cupcakes yesterday.
Ben Colen works here now. The Mez talked me into keeping this column going based on the fact that having a wizard in the building would create a lot of material. Well, Ben went to China for two weeks then he's coming home for a few days and then going to Australia. Long story short, if this column continues to suck, blame The Mez.
If you get an email with the subject, "Next Girl Trip" and you open the email to read, "Burning Man, labor day weekend" do you immediately drug test?
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD is a Chick Hearn stencil, obviously. Not sure where it came from before it was on my bulletin board.
THE SONG: "You're So Cool," Patty Loveless
THE PLACE: Your House
THE WORD: You
Carnahan, I know since The Mez knocked you out of his iChat you wonder from time to time what he's up to. I stopped by the office over the weekend and he was "editing". I guess that's code for laying on the couch in his new office waiting on a pizza he ordered.
We finally got him fitted for a helmet. I think we all feel a little safer.
Larson, sorry about the Chargers yesterday. Did you cry? Just kidding. But did you?
I realized today the honk is a lot louder when someone toots their own horn.
THE SONG: "Celebration Day," Led Zeppelin
THE PLACE: SF
THE WORD: MJ
Went to EA's office earlier to give him a CD and The Mez looked like I walked up to his boyfriend with a bundle of roses. He's everyone's dumpling, Mez, let's share him.
And Carnahan, of course The Mez was eating a pastry when this encounter occurred.
Bird showed up to a meeting the other day in a purple striped Analog polo. I thought it looked fine I just know how much shit he would give me if I showed up in purple striped Analog polo so I had to mention it.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD is a really blurry photo of my nephew, Niles, playing soccer. Not sure who's idea it was to put a turquoise bandana on a five year old.
THE SONG: "What Am I Doing Here," Beverley Mitchell
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD: now
If an employee turns in a time off request and the reason for absence includes "Mexico" and "Dimitry" do I ok that?
Ben, are these guys any good?
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD is Mikey wearing khaki cargo pants. Sassy.
Lew gave me this handbook to help me understand the skaters.
THE SONG: "Allergic," F.Y.P.
THE PLACE: my tooth
THE WORD: karma
Larson emailed me this morning with a picture of him and his new friends attached. Whatever, Tony. Do they crack up when you fake barf? I thought so. And let me guess, the dude with the scarf on bakes cookies for you once a week? Whatever.
Even if Mikey did have herpes, which he doesn't, I would never put that in my column. Nice try, Mez. And Mez, can you try and remember that your parents read this column religiously and they really don't need to even wonder those sorts of things about your closest friends.
THE SONG: "Gross Out," The Vines
THE PLACE: Our fridge
THE WORD: Sam's cheese
Two Dudes, One Mattress? Not only did Mikey cheat on Rickk and sleep in Eric's bed, he peed in it, too. All three of you need to have a talk with each other. Or maybe even a counselor.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD is Brad and Bri Bri. I think in Australia. Obviously an old photo, Brad's way more cut now.
THE SONG: "Mark of The Beast," Peter Tosh
THE PLACE: Lu's Hand
THE WORD: Forever... or about two years
Lu is packing her bags and heading back to Argentina. But before she left she made a pact for life with us. We'll miss you, Lu. And we love you.
A little bird that sounded like Desa and had the same cell phone number as Desa but I am not saying was Desa told me that Mikey slept in Frosty's bed the other night. Rickk, get your guy back. Be a man.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD is Rickk and his cousin, Joey. Soon, Joey too will have hands the size of a silver back gorilla.
THE SONG: "Jock-o-Rama," Dead Kennedy's
THE PLACE: Earth
THE WORD: Lame
Meza, chill out on updating your column so early each day. Over achieving is for jocks.
You know what else is for jocks? Interviewing people.
And you know what else? Cheez-Its. Sorry Tough Guy, but that's jock food. Ask Rickk, he loves them.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD is a guy that isn't a fan of jocks. Ty films whoever shot this photo. I'm sure whoever the glory hog is will email me
THE SONG: "Line Up," Elastica
THE PLACE: Some event Rick, Mikey, The Gav and Eric went to
THE WORD: Sweet
Gav, Isaac, I mean Smyth brought up another good point. Can Rickk skate for Lakai and play poker for DVS? Let me know, there's some big tourney's coming up that we have to plan for.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD Jeron at our annual Christmas party a few years ago. I guess it would have made more sense to post this around the holidays but look how happy Jeron always is.
THE SONG: "Couldn't Do It," Brown Boy
THE PLACE: This Column
THE WORD: Today
THE SONG: "Today's Your Day," Fatlip
THE PLACE: Desanka
THE WORD: Fun
Yesterday Carnahan emailed me to see what was up over here at Girl. Told him Mez was getting a new office. Mez, I don't want to break your heart but I think the entire time Carnahan worked with you, he considered you a fat girl. When I told him your office was where the kitchen use to be he said, "how appropriate". I was going to dig a little deeper but I thought it was better to just let you know privately in my column and let you sort if out with him. Good luck.
You know how you know when Bird is in love? When he's ice skating and smiling at the same time.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD is a photo of Spike before he hired a stylist.
THE SONG: "Take Inventory," The Isley Brothers
THE PLACE: Our Warehouse
THE WORD: Fun
Isaac, I mean Smyth, made a really good point today about boob jobs. Get them when you're young and people will think you just developed fast. He called it "puberty summer."
Rickk, EA, The Mez, The Gav, Scott J, Rudy, Smyth and Bird went to lunch today as they usually do about 3-4 times a week. Rickk told me, "you don't want to come, it's just the same stuff we always talk about." Bummer, I really wanted to hear about poker, breast feeding, the newest version of Two Girls and A Cup that the weird dude at DVS sent out and The Khardashians.
PARTS FORM THE BULLETIN BOARD is pretty self explanatory again today. Oh, it's not? OK, then it's Rickk bragging about his credentials.
THE SONG: "Bringing in a Brand New Year," B.B. King
THE PLACE: My Life
THE WORD: Subpoena
Rickk wouldn't let me retire my column yet. And The Mez feels like with Ben Colen about to move back to LA it will be too much material for him to cover alone. So we'll Ring for a little while longer. Make it magical, Ben, I'm staying for you.
Years ago at a Camp Whatevs gathering, I burnt a harmonica that was really cherished by it's owner in the camp fire. My karma came full circle a few nights ago when someone threw by brand new cashmere sox into the fire. The good thing is, I don't believe in karma so we're all good.
Larson, your new issue of QUAD magazine just showed up. I'll forward it.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD is Frosty looking out the door of a winnebago holding a skateboard. A lot of that was obvious but I felt like typing so...
THE SONG: "One Last Cry," Brian McKnight
THE PLACE: This place
THE WORD: Now
Larson, finally found you a wife. She's not a stripper, but look how many goats she has.
Ben, this movie is marketed as sci fi/fantasy/family and you're a weird D&D guy that just got married. Let me know if it's great or beyond great.
Did you know that Hyphy is staying at a kennel where Mikey can go on line and look at him while Mikey's out of town? You do now. Desa can look at him, too.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN is a picture of Freddie Mercury. Frosty, good Halloween costume for 2008.
THE SONG: "Getting Smaller," Nine Inch Nails
THE PLACE: This column
THE WORD: Font size
For 2008, my column is going to be all Mikey, Desa and Hyphy all the time. It will be as if Desa kept a really cool blog of their life. So exciting!
Did your family watch Fully Flared together on Christmas? Cool, that makes two of us.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD is my nephew, Dave. He worked here from 1994 until 2000. He spent a lot of time on Ebay while he worked here, buying rare vinyl. I love him.
THE SONG: "Exhaustion Blues," Henry Rollins
THE PLACE: You know where
THE WORD: You know what
Tattooed Lu is not on MySpace for dating. She's on Crailtap for dating. Not sure which is worse. But if you can guess what this trampy outfit was suppose to be on Halloween, we'll put your name in a hat to win a date with her. And if you're lucky, maybe she'll bring this dude along.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD is our dear friend, Lew. He's the one on the left. I think he still has a pretty lame haircut but boy can he come up with slogans. He gave me the photo for my birthday one year with this note attached.
THE SONG: "Frantic," Metallica
THE PLACE: This place
THE WORD: Word
Here's a photo of Spike and Mr and Mrs The Mez. Probably at Hyde or Mr Chow.
Today's Honourary Crail Canadian is Reggie Barnes. Not that Reggie Barnes, the one that played for the Canadian Football League after he wasn't good enough to play for the NFL. He was a running back for the Ottawa Rough Riders. And it goes without saying but both Reggie Barnes are more then welcome at The Tap.
OK, that's all, I have to get some wine to The Mez to get to Frosty so it's chilled in time.
THE SONG: "Copout Extension," Duke Ellington
THE PLACE: This column
THE WORD: Weak
Bird tried to give me some skate decks for Christmas yesterday. Like I can't get those from my Secret Santa here at the plant? You nut, Kel. Speaking of Bird, he's somewhere in Canada right now chopping down the perfect Christmas tree for his girlfriends family. So urban yet so country.
Staba, I ordered The Perfect Push Up via the internet. Paid the extra shipping to get that thing here, pronto. Hopefully I'll look all cut and dangerous, like you, within the next month.
This is Reda's neck/upper back.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD is The Rick's. When Crankers decide to hire a stylist he knew only a Canadian could do the job.
THE SONG: "Brand New You," Sam Howard
THE PLACE: Sam's new hair part
THE WORD: Evolving
Reda's hairy back isn't going to stand in the way of our friendship. We decided that together, which is a sign of how tight we really are.
The Mez just reminded me of how awesome The Honourary Crail Canadian can be. So it's back.
Today's Honourary Crail Canadian, Edwin Alonzo Boyd, was an infamous bank robber from Toronto who robbed a bank with a gun he got from the military. That's not that exciting but once jailed, he escaped from jail with two other inmates. I love people that steal over priced art and escape from prison! Welcome to The Tap, Ed.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD is a postcard that Larson brought back from Holland and gave to me. Larson and I were big goats fan back in the day. Now he's in to panthers or something.
This one isn't from the bulletin board. Can't remember how I got this but here's proof, The Mez has been hot for more then 20 years. Nice, Aaron.
THE SONG: "Fat Bottomed Girls," Queen
THE PLACE: Mikey's Ass
THE WORD: Fat
I asked Sanger yesterday why he thought the font in my column was smaller then the others. This is what he told me... "I think Meza secretly makes his font bigger." Scandalous, Aaron, pure scandalous.
Remember the other day when I mentioned which of the Kardashians that Rickk and Mike like and then I called them idiots? Someone told me that was harsh. I meant "idiots" in a loving way, not like the way other people call them idiots.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD answers that other often asked question, "Has he always been so red hot."
THE SONG: "Mas Tequila," Sammy Hagar
THE PLACE: Palm Springs
THE WORD: Charlene
Larson, look at this goat. Really big balls, right?
I guess the Fantasy Basketball league has started up again. Gay jocks.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD is the new modern version of "kick me". Callaway's wife pulled it off a kids back at an event for kids she was supervising. We're headed in a good direction.
THE SONG: "Pretty Cool," Trip
THE PLACE: Your mom's
THE WORD: Your mom
When it comes to the Kardashians, Rickk likes Kim and Mikey likes Khloe. Idiots.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD is a reminder that The Gav's head was once a normal size. I wish I could say this was shot at my Grandma's house but it was my place. What's up with the antique plate collection?s
Ben, does your wife shop here? That's hot.
Let them keep their goats.
THE SONG: "The Grand Delusion," Bad Religion
THE PLACE: Here
THE WORD: Often
Tuesday night I was talking to Bird while I drove through Jack In The Box and got a vanilla milkshake. He said, "If you're going that route, why not a McFlurry". So last night while I was in the drive through getting a McFlurry, Bird called me and I told him I took his advice. Taking Birds advice puts you in his good graces for a good two months. I'm stoked through at least early February.
You probably think you don't want to hear about my family but check out this action sports update. All on December 5, 2007, my family managed to accomplish the following:
>> My nephew, Niles, fell skateboarding and broke his ankle. He's in surgery right now getting it set.
>> My brother, Kevin, had emergency rotator cuff surgery after falling on a big wave out in Ventura.
>> And finally, my brother-in-law, Doug, paddled out at "Indicator" in Palos Verdes yesterday morning. The surf was so big he was not able to get back in for five hours and almost passed out.
They're Extreme for sure.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD is a young Jonze eating cereal at our house in Torrance on Gramercy. Wonder what's in those film boxes to his right?
THE SONG: "So called Chaos," Alanis Morrisette
THE PLACE: Here
THE WORD: Now
THE SONG: "The Winner Takes It All," Eden
THE PLACE: Hustler Casino
THE WORD: Rickkoo!
In our weekly managers meeting, Mettee pointed out that he went to the Hustler Casino one time and was shocked at how scummy it was. How many clues do you need in the name of the establishment to tip you off, Brian?
I wasn't about to weigh in on the Biggie/Tupac drama but come on, Mez. Belle and Sebastion over The Smiths? You truly aren't getting enough sleep to make accurate calls. Your mom and dad come to this column for accuracy, look alive.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD is a sort of artsy shot of Frosty and Ty. Eric looks like he's about to say, um, nothing.
THE SONG: "Not So Good," Big Bad Zero
THE PLACE: New York
THE WORD: Knicks
Rickk mentioned some people might be taking a field trip to go shooting "somewhere off the 60". He guaranteed Mikey and Desa would be there. I love guns, Mikey, Desa and the 60 but not all at one time.
Ben, I think you can see why this site is called "Just Perfect Gifts." Let me know if you prefer the one with the oil warmer.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD answers that question, "I wonder what Rickk looks like on mushrooms out in Joshua Tree?"
THE SONG: "Why Can't I Be Like You," The Cure
THE PLACE: Here
THE WORD: Babies
I received an email yesterday asking me if I was over trying to get Jeremy back to Girl. No, I'm not over it. I'm going to try a sky written message to him over Rat Beach where he surfs. It's called "getting creative". Familiar with that?
I wonder if he tricks potential employers when he's interviewing by taking each piercing out and then putting it back in after he gets the job. Lu, what do you think?
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD is a very suave Chico Brenes. Takes a tough man to make a white suit work. Nice job, Cheeks.
THE SONG: "Takin' Care of Business," Bachman-Turner Overdrive
THE PLACE: The Randoms
THE WORD: The Mez
Yesterday our sales chief, Cooper, sent me an email asking, "what is our policy for shipping media." I was stumped so I referred it to the President, Rickk. He took out the handbook, turned to page 308 and said, "we put it in a box, tape it shut and ship it."
Bird's on fire right now.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD is our old Wallride model, Johannes. His ass got too big so we fired him, but he's claiming it's back down to "runway" size. Prove it, Johnny.
THE SONG: "Population Me," Dwight Yoakam
THE PLACE: Here
THE WORD: Now
Just wanted to let the Dunlaps know if they are in the Hermosa Beach area this weekend and they see a house at Beach Drive and 20th totally decorated for "Rivalry Week" between USC and UCLA, that's my family. Big USC fans. Weird thing is, no one in that home even set foot on the campus of a junior college. At best, there's one high school diploma in that house. Maybe.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD is Family Johnson before the 4th member, Fiona, arrived. Rudy loves any time I put him in my column. Right, Rud??
If you're in the market for a winnebago or motor home, spin by Girl. For months these two pieces of crap have been parked in front of our building for sale. Or if you're the owner of one of these, maybe move these so we can pull out on to Vermont and not feel like it's a life gamble?
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NOW WHO'S A BITCH?