THE SONG: "Welcome Back," John Saebastian
THE PLACE: Girl
THE WORD: Poppa Mez
Spike sent me this photo on Friday and wrote, "check out this power stance." Pretty agile, Reda.
I know we joked for a while about selling Girl to Billabong but we changed our minds. Instead, we're going to buy them. Sam, I need you to watch all the surfing you can tonight on Fuel, I think we're going to need to know a thing or two about surfing.
Are you a PR firm? Ruby is looking for a PR firm.
Larson went to see Van Halen last night. Looks like he got backstage. Thanks for the D Lee Roth ass shot, Tone...
THE SONG: "The Feast," Jim Ryan
THE PLACE: The dinner table
THE WORD: Thanksgiving
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD is from one year at Halloween when we thought it would be fun to have everyone pick a name out of a hat and dress up as another employee here at Girl. This is Dave Fifer and I'm not sure who he came dressed as but if I remember correctly, she was not stoked.
The Lakai premier in Vancouver went so well that Rickk punched Supra Pete in the face. Nice PR, Rickk.
THE SONG: "New Light on The Horizon," Allicorn
THE PLACE: warehouse
THE WORD: energy
Haven't seen The Mez in three days but I am sure his parents would love an update. Did Aaron tell you he demanded a new office so we are now demolishing the kitchen upstairs to make room for it? Ask him, all true.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD is Crankers. He's always totally drunk and dancing. It's really annoying.
More updates on Hyphy Mikey and Desa soon.
THE SONG: "Big in Japan," Alphaville
THE PLACE: Japan
THE WORD: head count
The Mez' parents hit me up a couple of times at the Lakai premier about how they have to find out what The Mez is up to by reading my column because he won't update them on his life. Come on, Aaron. It's not like you're cage fighting, drag racing and shot gunning beers on a nightly basis. You're going to Pinkberry and listening to Bright Eyes. Most parents would be proud to have such a sissy as a son.
Speaking of the Lakai premier, Wizard Ben, you had my favorite part.
Someone told me that my column was already too much to take with all the talk about Mikey, now I'm talking about his girlfriend, too. Well, guess what? Now I'm going to talk about his dog, too. Expect Hyphy updates, soon.
Sam, make sure to let us know something about you when you do The Randoms, you're being way too shy
THE SONG: "Headin' South," Rodney Branigan
THE PLACE: Leucadia
THE WORD: Larson
I think one of our sales people tried to do a DVS wrap themselves on their own car. Check with DVS, Jamie. I'm not sure they want Vovlo's wrapped and that might be a trademark infringement issue.
If you are a person that works in bronze or maybe your family is in the monument business, can you get a hold of me? I want to do this same sort of statue with Rickk, Mike and Spike but the alligator will be a skateboard and the dog will be a goat. Everything else will be pretty much the same.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD is our old pet, Finny. She was a pot belly pig that we had for about a year at our old building and then someone stole her. We miss you, Finny.
THE SONG: "So Excited," Janet Jackson
THE PLACE: "The Big Shoe Movie
THE WORD: Staba
Today Mikey's wife (not Rickk, his other wife, Desa) called me her "road dog". I'm getting new business cards. Desa, is road dog one word or two? Let me know before I go to print.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD is a young Frosty in a crisp Tommy Hilfiger polo. Oh, you didn't know he use to ride for Tommy?
THE SONG: "Amazing Brilliant Genius," Science of Yabra
THE PLACE: Supra
THE WORD: contest
We just got the new Active catalog and when I say we I mean Tough Guy, that's who it's addressed to. Frosty is on the cover making an extremely provocative and seductive facial expression. I like how you're bringing in the new year, Eric. Very sassy. But check with Mikey, he may have that attitude trademarked.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD is Jeremy Carnahan celebrating his birthday with us. He doesn't work here anymore. I guess he'll celebrate his next birthday at Stussy. Whatever, Jeremy.
We miss you, The Mez. So much that during a meeting the other day, before you named your new son Tupac, we thought it would be cool for you to look out the window of the hospital and name the baby after the first thing you saw.
We thought his name would probably be Escalade or Hummer.
THE SONG: "Come Back," The J. Geils Band
THE PLACE: Your cubicle
THE WORD: Carnahan
Yesterday Bird called me and it took me three attempts to use my call waiting to switch over to his call. Once I finally did he laughed and patiently went on to the next subject. Now that I think of it, there is no way that was Bird.
Weird, he doesn't look like he would falsely imprison a male prostitute.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD wants to make absolutely sure you've seen enough of Mikey's chest this month.
Smyth, if you plan on retiring when Mikey retires, you two need to talk. He said he was going to take over my office and install a nitrous tank in the corner when and really run this place once he retires. Work it out with him, I'm counting on it.
THE SONG: "Getting Closer," Billy Joel
THE PLACE: Completion
THE WORD: Stressy
Big congratulations and love to Diana and Aaron Meza on the arrival of their baby boy. Welcome to The Tap, Baby Mez.
Reda was here first thing this morning. I just found out yesterday that he works at Podium. Weird. Who else works down there?
Hey Carnahan, remember that time you whistled while EA played guitar and I acted like the two of you weren't totally gay? Anyone at Stussy supporting you like that? Just checking.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD is Emmet Jenkins' holding a painting he gave me about 8 years ago. Someone took way too many cute pills. Holy cuteness.
THE SONG: "Super Cool," Bang Sugar Bang
THE PLACE: Wherever you are
THE WORD: You
A few nights ago, someone put a big screen TV, the kind from the early 90's at the front of Rickk's house with a sign that said, "Free, It Works". When Rickk saw it, he said, "What the fuck, you can't just put shit on my land". (First time I heard a 12 square foot plot of grass referred to as "land" but he's Canadian and maybe he still feels like he's an early settler).
He then put it in the driveway of a nearby apartment building that he considered the suspect.
It was moved back and forth a few times and then Rickk announced he was going on a mission to find the "smart alec" that was messing with him.
Might just be me but should the guy that shoots bottle rockets at people's heads, slaps salami on peoples faces and skates down the stairs at the office really call people "smart alec"?
Nick Lachey is turning 34 today. I only mention two Nick's in this column, Nick Lachey and Nick Tershey.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD is Larson dancing at Michael Leon's wedding. Don't you hate when you're dancing and you get an important call?
THE SONG: "Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I want," The Smiths
THE PLACE: Here
THE WORD: Now
Bird, I was going to give you a Lakoston keychain for Christmas but I had to send them all to Lacoste. They thought they looked too similar to their logo that has been trademarked since 1935. Can you believe it? So strange.
Crankers is coming down next week to soak up the So Cal babes and get super hammered. And, if he has time, maybe spin by Royce Hall on Friday night. Heard there's a party or a speaker or something?
He's also keeping an eye out for goat apologizers.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD is Spike and Magic looking into each others eyes. Young love.
THE SONG: "Dressin' Fancy," The Tractors
THE PLACE: Girl's front yard
THE WORD: Billabong!
Did you know both Rickk and Jenkins have experience working deep fryers on their resume? Jenkins worked at Carls Jr and Rickk at A&W. Looks like both of them are just a little more prepared for the future then you or I.
The Mez replaced his carb joke with a new one about Billabong. How Mez? How do you do it?
Hey Mikey, what was so funny about the passes I had on my desk for the Fully Flared premier? You know I am only going to see your part, right? If you weren't in it, I'd stay at home and I plan on leaving right after your part.
So what was so funny?
Here's another photo from Ben Colen's wedding. What pretty trees.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD is a photo of Hannes, Dan Field and The Mez from about 1995. We got The Mez to come back, now we're working on Dan Field as GM. Hannes is still freelance so we consider that "back".
THE SONG: "Monday, Monday," The Mama's and the Papa's
THE PLACE: My office
THE WORD: no nitrous tank
Rickk said when I call people "total asshole" he takes it personally. Sounds like you just called yourself out, thanks, I appreciate that.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD is a picture of some cupcakes I baked for Staci G one year for her b-day. Anytime I mention Staci G in my column, she sends me a text within an hour of the post.
THE SONG: "Dickhead," robbie Williams
THE PLACE: You know where
THE WORD: Hi!
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD was at one time a perfectly great photo of Mikey. But then Rickk had to go and draw a thought bubble on it and ruin it.
Speaking of PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD, someone emailed me and asked me if Bird smokes. He used to but he quit cold turkey like a year ago or something. But my sister, Sue, still smokes.
THE SONG: "Take This Job and Shove It," Johnny Paycheck
THE PLACE: 22500 S. Vermont Ave.
THE WORD: toddlers
There was a 6th nurse yesterday that didn't make it into the photo. The other nurses sort of think she's a bitch but as you can see, they're probably just jealous of her pretty blonde hair.
Sorry Richana, you should have been included.
Not to dwell on the fact that Jeremy just went and quit and broke my heart but it looks like I wasn't the only one. There's this guy thats worked here for about four or five years and said about that same amount of words during that time. His name is Chris Waycott, he's a Lakai designer and he dedicated his costume to Jeremy yesterday. That's right, Jeremy, that strawberry blonde haired guy that doesn't talk, he's broken hearted, too.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD is truly a display of a kind of loyalty you can't find anymore. While Bird takes care of a vomiting Rickk, he still finds time to pose for a photo and keep his nerves calm with a cigarette.
THE SONG: "Halloween," Siouxie and the Banshees
THE PLACE: Girl
THE WORD: Skanky Nurses
Happy Birthday, Chuck!
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD is my friend, Johannes. He use to work here at Girl. He still works on all our video projects. He only ate pizza for ten years. That's why his teeth look so healthy.
THE SONG: "Trash," The New York Dolls
THE PLACE: The Pool Table
THE WORD: Mikey!
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD is a photo from a camping trip about three years ago. I don't know why Mikey only has one shoe on. Probably drunk.
THE SONG: "American Idiot," Green Day
THE PLACE: Boston
THE WORD: Papelbon
Went to Emmet Jenkins' Halloween party on Saturday night. The best thing about going to a party thrown by an 11 year-old? No need to be two to three hours late to seem cool. You can even arrive 15 minutes early and no one says a word.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD is my brother-in-law surfing at the Redondo Beach break wall. You might not like it but Jeremy Caranahan will and sometimes, that's all that matters.
THE SONG: New York, Fat Joe, Ja Rule
THE PLACE: New York
THE WORD: one week
Mikey, can you come get your packages from Ogio that are next to my office door? I would hate to get tempted to see if one of those red white and blue Koston backpacks were in one of the boxes and have to open them up and maybe steal it?
But seriously, come get your shit, you're irritating me.
Smyth, can you please mention the tacky ass Juicy sweatsuits and retarded Fendi sunglasses the girls on Real World are wearing? Or have you been in LA too long and those aren't effecting you?
Happy Belated Birthday to KD over at Podium. He went race car driving for his birthday and I'm guessing paid extra for a helmet that would fit The Gav?
In a meeting a few days ago, Rickk told us all to never drink 40 ouncers with Jack Daniels and Coca Cola. I guess it makes you crap your pants. A few production people looked really stoked to get that tip.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD is a young Tom Selleck. Just kidding, It's a younger Mikey Carroll when he dislocated his shoulder. He let Rickk try and pull it back into the socket before they called the paramedics. As you can see through the fur, Rickk's no doctor.?
THE SONG: "Family Business", Kanye West
THE PLACE: Meza's office
THE WORD: sorry
I think when The Mez accepted Rickk's job offer here at Girl, he really didn't think he was going to be editing retirement videos for my family. Lucky guy.
Caranhan, when I went to lunch I saw a green Toyota truck drive by. You're coming back, aren't you? I'll get Mettee to vacuum your cubicle.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD is a drawing that my nephew, Niles, did about 15 years ago. My family spells things a little differently then most people.
THE SONG: "Here We Go Again", DMX
THE PLACE: Receptionist Desk
THE WORD: Leaving
Our receptionist got accepted to college. That's a first for this place.
I am realizing the more you isolate yourself, the suckier your column is. I imagine you are realizing this, too.
Carnahan, does Stussy have two Tupperware containers full of any condiment you can possibly think of available for your noon time lunch break? Exactly. You know where we are, come home.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD is an intimate picture someone gave me years back of Frosty and Rickk spooning at an MTV event.
THE SONG: "Four Strong Winds", Neil Young
THE PLACE: California coastline
THE WORD: Scary
Carnahan, game's over, you have to come back. I know you saw EA's ass and keep in mind The Mez can see that thing all day. We're not giving up. I'm sure they have a vending machine at Stussy but does it have two flavors of Sun Chips? I seriously doubt it. Original and French Onion? Please. Come back, Jeremy. It's the right thing to do.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD is Royal's conductor Rudy J and his son, Diego.
THE SONG: "I'm So Happy I can't Stop Crying", Sting
THE PLACE: World Series
THE WORD: Ben Colen
Happy Birthday, Jonze-town! Seems like just yesterday you were learning how to river raft with my big brothers.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD makes an attempt to make Spike not feel so goony in that wetsuit by showing you another guy wearing something that is too tight. Rickk, trying to hang with the cool kids back in 1994.
THE SONG: "Lord Of The Ramps", Cherry 2000
THE PLACE: The Valley
THE WORD: Rickk and Spike
Mez, I think something you said in your column yesterday made Rickk and Spike feel like we (the people that were still at the Girl building) didn't understand the importance of the ramps they were building. Keep it mellow, Mez. They're trying to get something done.
This is a desperate move for the Girl Skateboard Company but it worked with The Mez so we're trying it with Caranhan. We want you back, Jeremy. No offense to Stussy, they seem like a fine company but we think we have a few things to offer you here that you just can't get anywhere else and we're not going down without a fight. We know you're still checking this column so we're going to post something daily to tempt you back to where you belong.
Today's temptation needs no explaining, it's EA's ass. Come back, Jeremy. There's no EA ass at Stussy.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD is warning you Frosty, don't look at the back row, fourth guy from the left unless you're ready to weep.
THE SONG: "Everything Stops", Cary Judd
THE PLACE: Girl
THE WORD: ramps
When Rickk and Spike need ramps built, we stop shipping product. You two are awesome, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD is a photo from our holiday party in 2001. That's my brother-in-law in the middle and you know the two awesome guys on each side of him. They stop the shipping process at Girl when they need ramps.
THE SONG: "Just Leave", Pete Killed Pete
THE PLACE: LA
THE WORD: Kobe
Yesterday was National Boss' Day. Mikey?
Smyth called someone a "dickhead" yesterday when he was in my office. Love it when that guy loses his cool. Only thing better is when Callaway snaps.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD goes to the Girl Park back in 2000. Keenan, Guy and Frosty.
THE SONG: "Blowing It", Dinosaur Jr.
THE PLACE: Cleveland
THE WORD: Red Sox
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD letting you know you better hope I never host a "Cutest Nephew Contest". This is Nate. He's my nephew and as you can see, he's insanely cute.
Mikey was supposed to cover the phones tomorrow for three hours. He's in the process of getting a new car so he was going to send his girlfriend to cover for him. Nothing against Desa, we're big fans, but at "real jobs", Mikey, you usually let the company decide who is going to cover for you. I know, I know, you'll never have a real job but it's cool to know how the other half live just for conversation purposes.
THE SONG: "The Winner Takes It All", ABBA
THE PLACE: My heart
THE WORD: Crankers
Congratulations to J and Rebekah Callaway on the arrival of their baby boy. Harris arrived on Saturday!
Hey Paul Nett, Rickk said "spot on" yesterday. Pretty gay, right? Especially on the heels of saying, "jazzed". I'll keep you posted.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD today is The Gav and I think Mike Ballard in the distance. Gav, your face looks smaller when you have the hair style of a 55 year old woman.
THE SONG: "Congratulations", The Traveling Wilbury's
THE PLACE: A warming earth
THE WORD: Al Gore
We're not really selling to Billabong, I was kidding. Someone sent me an email all upset about it. Like Billabong would really buy us when we're locked in to a 15 year contract on our soda machine. They're smarter then that. But if you're dumb, Billabong, throw in a speed boat for Larson and we'll get the negotiations going.
One year in jail for goat-napping? Gay.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD today is a photo from Frosty's wedding photo booth. Mikey titled the photo "Team Shady". I like to call it "Scandalous".
THE SONG: "Long Week", Georgie James
THE PLACE: Earth
THE WORD: Long
Mikey, if we sell this place to Billabong, I think we would get to go to all these events. I mean, if we can't, we're not selling to them. Fair is fair.
Yesterday was David Lee Roth's birthday and I figured Larson would handle getting that information to The Mez. More proof that this whole love thing has caught Larson like a twister coming through the middle of Kentucky. Huh?
Did you know it's illegal to make a mandatory dress up rule for your employees for Halloween? I mean, you can vibe the people that don't dress up but you can't fire them for it.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD looks at The Rick's. Normally I would love to point something out on Howard but check out Crankers fancy watch. No wonder the ladies love him.
THE SONG: "Don't Go", Yaz
THE PLACE: Your new job
THE WORD: Jeremy
Today is Carnahan's last day. He's leaving us for the bright lights of LA. We'll miss you Jeremy!
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD takes a look back at just how cool cargo pants were.
THE SONG: "The Champ", Ghostface Killah
THE PLACE: The ping pong zone
THE WORD: Tough Guy
Yesterday Tough Guy, with the flu and allergies, beat River in the Girl Ping Pong finals. Congrats Rich! You know you're not the toughest guy here but we don't mention that guys name because we're afraid of him.
Today when I was emailing Paul Nett I said "i'll hit you back" and I'm pretty sure he made fun of me. It's not like I said "jazzed" like Rickk did in the production meeting yesterday. Here's Paul on a boat last week in Mexico. When you're this cool, no tolerance for things like "hit me back".
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD today is Mikey's better half/future wife and what was at one time the love of my life, Heavy D. She sent me this photo to hurt me but I'm just too strong.
THE SONG: "Best Thing That Ever Happened", Gladys Knight and the Pips
THE PLACE: Girl Open House
THE WORD: Suspense
Friday I was in the skatepark for, I think, the 5th time. Meza will vouch for me, I was really in there. Since I have been inside of it about 5 times total and we've been at this location with the skatepark for 8 years, I go in there once every 584 days. Mark your calendars, I'll be heading back in there again around April of 2009.
For the Halloween season, we put some jars of candy in the front office. In the event that you might stop by, we need you to know, it's just for employees. I know that doesn't sound very hospitable but last time we put candy and snacks out and "opened it to the public" Tough Guy ended up with a chip that had old Euro toe jam on it. He could technically sue us but we're distracting him with colorful spread sheets.
Frosty, I heard that there might be a shortage of Pinot Noir this winter. The weather has taken it's toll on the grapes. Just a heads up. Hate to see you plan a nice evening with some cornish game hens only to have some crappy merlot to pair it with.
PARTS FORM THE BULLETIN BOARD goes back to about 2001 when Emmet Jenkins did a mosh pit dive on to the Family Jenkins' coffee table. The cool part is having a dad that can paint a rocket on your cast.
THE SONG: Steve Miller, Rock 'N Me
THE PLACE: Greek
THE WORD: Saturday
Sammy, can you make this into a New Era? Thanks, Bud.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD shows the more playful side of Jenkins.
THE SONG: Sweet Thursday, Matt Costa
THE PLACE: Here
THE WORD: Now
Went to lunch today with "the boys". Mikey said he thought I didn't go with them regularly because I thought I was "too good" for them. So good to have a guy around that makes you feel like you're still in high school.
They talked about super models and skating. I'm hooked, see you guys tomorrow at noon.
There has been a small change in plans. Mikey will be answering the phones on October 18 from 12:00 to 2:30. Sorry for any inconvenience that may have caused anyone.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD takes a visit back to Spike and my old kitchen. That's Rodger Bridges and Lewman. Very daring fashion move with the leather jacket, Lew. The cute girl with the bob haircut in the foreground of the photo? That's Spike.
THE SONG: "Posers," Rachel Loy
THE PLACE: You know where
THE WORD: You know who
SPOILER ALERT! On All My Children yesterday, Jonathan asked Eva to marry him. Lily found out and went in to some sort of seizure type thing.
Smyth, I think you need to reconsider watching The Bachelor. It's a house full of chicks getting liquored up and fighting over one dude! Last night they even did body shots and a chick fell down the stairs and while they took her off on a stretcher, the other girls didn't even put their drinks down. Here's the best part, though. The Bachelor's name is Brad and his twin brother is Chad! I know you're in, Mondays at 9PM.
"PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD" takes a look at how some of us had to grow into the size of our skulls. Front row, red sweater with blue stripes.
(click sticker for entire image)
THE SONG: Happy Birthday, Cracker
THE PLACE: The universe
THE WORD: Tough Guy
He doesn't look that tough in this photo but rest assured, he's tough.
Jes won the heart of Bret Michaels last night on Rock Of Love, just as Rickk and The Mez predicted. Well, not so much as they predicted but as they would have picked. Both Rickk and The Mez have dated enough exotic dancers to know to choose the hair stylist.
Today I mentioned something to The Mez about posting my column and he told me he's been posting his own column for almost two years. I'll put that in your employee file. When we sell to Billabong, they will love details like that.
THE SONG: "Influenza," Todd Rundgren
THE PLACE: My body
THE WORD: bad timing
Yesterday Mikey trained for his temporary receptionist position of next week by buzzing Sam's office. After that, he felt more then prepared to sit in on the phones for two entire hours.
The good part about him being receptionist is that he already knows he got Skater Of The Year one year so he won't need to tell himself as he has done with other receptionists.
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD.Spike, Rickk, Mikey, Ferguson, Frosty, Ty, Hannes and Jenkins.
THE SONG: "Lame," Seven Mary Three
THE PLACE: Alex' cheek
THE WORD: Salami
I'm on your side, Alex. I saw what Rickk did to you while Mikey just sat there and filmed. Lame.
When leaving someone a voice mail, is it desperate sounding to say, "call me back, I want to give you some advice"?.
(Spike, stay tuned for the response, might be helpful to you).
On October 4th, 2007, our own Mikey Carroll will be answering the phones here at Girl from 12:30PM PST until 2:30PM PST. Every other person in the company capable of answering phones will be at a raging Bachelorette party with nude firemen and nude construction workers. Might be best to contact us for urgent matters before or after these hours.
I saw Staci G this morning bright and early and I'm guessing she had taken a large bong hit just prior to our meeting. Staci G? What it medium or large?
PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD remembers a great choreographer that helped put Torrance on the map. Thanks, Richard Koufey:
THE SONG: "It's Oh So Quiet," Bjork
THE PLACE: Earth
THE WORD: Marcel Marceau, R.I.P.
THE SONG: "Almost Got Married In Texas," RB Stone
THE PLACE: Not Texas
THE WORD: Los Angeles
I have a small tiny rash on the side of my nose and when I asked Jason ad Smyth if they could see it, Smyth went the "Employee of the Month" route and said he couldn't see it. Love you, Sam.
"PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD" for today is a sticker that Lewman sent us. Lewman is the guy that names our tours. He wants it to be known that the last film trip Lakai went on, "LAKAI ACROSS THE USA," was named by The Mez. He sent this a while back when two of the owners here at Girl had Escalades. Don't want to say who but it wasn't me or the guy on the sticker.
(click sticker for entire image)
THE SONG: "Really Something Good", Aaron Sprinkle
THE PLACE: The Real World
THE WORD: Really good
I didn't get my new camera yet, Mez, that's why my column still seems mediocre. But I guess at least I show up for work? Let me guess, you're working on the Lakai video?
The next piece of "PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD" is Little C. He worked here for about 4 years, broke his leg moving our trade show booth and was just an all around awesome guy. He's a mortgage broker now. (EA, I think he's wearing white jeans).
Rickk, Spike called and said he wants a package but he wants you to pack it because you'll know what he likes. He said to send him, "all the really cool stuff". Huh? That won't fit in one box!
THE SONG: "Half The Way", Crystal Gayle
THE PLACE: Girl
THE WORD: this week
Mikey, looks like these two are plotting an aggressive over-throw. Look how evil they look!
I use to have a bunch of bulletin boards up in my office but I took them down because they were making me feel like the walls were closing in on me. And also, one day Bird asked me why all the girls at Girl were so into "photo collaging". But not everyone is Bird and many people have said they miss the bulletin boards. So I decided to add this new feature called, um, "PARTS FROM THE BULLETIN BOARD". The first entry is a photo of Rickk. I am not sure the year but I don't think DC sends him packages anymore.
Mez, I'm getting a new digital camera so really, watch your step with your column. I think mine is about to get really good. If it's a fact, it means you're not bragging.
THE SONG: "Happy Birthday", Stevie Wonder
THE PLACE: Earth
THE WORD: my sister, Sue
It's also this guys birthday, Young Spike of the band Breathe. (Not to be confused with Old Spike).
Who in the hell wants less goats?
Mike or Desa, can you email me and remind me the name of that techno song you're going to dance to at your wedding?
We got a new phone system and it says it's 3:15AM right now. Must have gotten the super high end one.
THE SONG: "The Things We Do For Love", 10CC
THE PLACE: Tony's parking space
THE WORD: Taken
As usual, Smyth went out of his way to be a "quality" wedding guest.
That's right, Mez. My column now includes photos and clips. You're bumming hard.
THE SONG: "Big Words", The Cross Movement
THE PLACE: Podium
THE WORD: The Gav
It's a long story but we need to buy this for Larson:
If you can send a dollar to: LARSONS IN LOVE c/o The Tap, we'll send you a sticker. We only need about 800,000 of you to send in your dollar. That's about 1/5 of all of you that visit each hour.
I like meetings where people don't use the word, "banger". How about you?
THE SONG: "No Complaints", Beck
THE PLACE: Here
THE WORD: NEVER!
The Mez just stop coming in to work so I texted him and he said he's working on the Lakai video. Come on Meza, you have better excuses then that.
Today I told Reda that sometimes people think that Rickk's a dick and he said, "well, he is a dick". There you go, Rickk. He solved that mystery for you pretty quick.
Ever have some employees that you hope win the lottery?
THE SONG: "I Can't Dance," Genesis
THE PLACE: Vegas
THE WORD: Britney
What's the president of your company doing?
Rickk told me today after I read an email to him that people aren't getting their asses kicked enough lately. I was just quiet and then he added, "time for people to start getting palmed". Meza and Jonze, he usually comes after you when he's punchy, you've been warned.
Larson, not sure if you chose your goat tattoo yet but this one is sort of new and different. The shaded one is obviously cooler.
I have to go do my real job.
THE SONG: "Friday" Joe Jackson
THE PLACE: Everywhere
THE WORD: thankful
Last night Rickk told me that he could find Osama Bin Laden if he needed to. I stared at him and then said, "you know I have a column that I write everyday" and he said, "I do know that". He's either ambitious or crazy but we're keeping him.
An annoying update: Mikey's way in the lead.
How strategic do you think Larson was in getting this San Diego soccer team named?
THE SONG: "Not Feeling So Well" Jay Britton
THE PLACE: LA
THE WORD: Smyth
Big mistake, Nepal Airlines. You've been banned.
When I said "two skate super stars" someone thought one of them was Koston. Rickk and Mikey are the skate super stars. When I speak of Eric, it's MEGA skate super star.
I would like to offer to the UK a trade. We return the Beckhams and you give us Madonna back. Or we'll take anyone at all in trade. Or nothing at all.
THE SONG: "Manchild" The Creatures
THE PLACE: This building
THE WORD: Plenty
Yesterday in a meeting, one of our distributors said that Crailtap had too many inside jokes. He must be talking about The Mez' column, mine is clear as day.
I only talk about like 12 people, Golds Gym and goats. What's so inside about that? I talk about two skateboarding super stars, a team manager, a world famous designer, two ex-skateboarding super stars, Tough Guy, River, a tough little tattooed girl, a guy obsessed with spread sheets, The Mez and The Desert Twins.
And speaking of The Desert Twins, no one caught it but a month or so ago, I spelt it like this "The Dessert Twins". They must have been being extra saucy that day.
Smyth, do you already know about this? The Octabong?
Or should I say did your patent go through yet?
THE SONG: "Heat Wave" Linda Ronstadt
THE PLACE: Earth
THE WORD: Enough
Mikey's here. He's got his little dog with him and he's wearing camo shorts. Gay.
THE SONG: "Birthday Boy" Chicago
THE PLACE: the universe
THE WORD: Rickk
Rickk, Mikey, The Gav and Smyth left last night on a flight together to Vegas for the bachelor party for Jeron and Ferguson. With Rickk, The Gav and Smyth all in agreement that they are the meat and potatoes of any good party, Mikey has to be having a great time.
Cliver, Jenny Garth of 90210 fame is going to be on the new season of Dancing With The Stars. I know you're too good for TV now but in case you slip back to the dark side, might be worth it.
Can someone explain Long Island ice teas to me? Thanks.
Having Mikey part of The Fucking Book Club didn't work. He has a video to finish and a girlfriend. If he just had one or the other, he might be able to join a club but with both going on, he's at capacity.
So it's now going to be The Fucking Book Review. We'll post a new review each week beginning next week with a different "celebrity" reviewer each week.
THE SONG: "Unknown" Artist Unknown
THE PLACE: unknown
THE WORD: watch it again
I asked one of the warehouse dudes, Jordan, how he was doing and he said, "oh, I'm alright". Everyone here is always doing amazing so I said, "what's wrong". He said he had a back problem and then told me he had a note from his chiropractor to take it easy and because of this was on "bitch duty" here at Girl. Sort of lame to just take Mikey's job without talking to him, Jordan. I know your back is hurt but he has held that position for 14 years straight and done a stellar job.
I was waiting in line today at the city of Torrance and there was a guy with a t-shirt that said, "Ask me how I would kill OJ". See, there's funny people in Torrance, Meza.
I figured since The Gav was born yesterday and Rickk was born tomorrow, there must be something miraculous that happened on the 30th in history. Almost as great as both those births, in 1980 on this day, "On The Road Again" by Willie Nelson hit the charts.
THE SONG: "Happy Birthday" Stevie Wonder
THE PLACE: the universe
THE WORD: Gav
Happy Birthday, Timmy. Seems like it was just yesterday you were considering moving to Hawaii to be a taxicab driver.
Bird, you can't back the Rockets if Rafer Alston is going to keep stabbing people in the neck.
This goat is extreme:
Mez, it's all on you today. Make this happen.
THE SONG: "Picky Picky Head" Wailing Souls
THE PLACE: Mikey's R&D facility
THE WORD: Picky
No offense to River, Tough Guy or the fat short guy that was a total handicap for their hockey team but I got to feel what it would feel like to be that fat short guy yesterday. I took an advanced hip hop aerobics class and talk about slowing down the team. I guess when it comes to hip hop, I'm "intermediate" and not advanced.
I wonder if while EA has been in NY, Carnahan and The Mez have had time to see if there are any sparks between them. I know they've been surfing together. The Mez surfing, hair feathered, The Stang. Can't be long until Carnahan sees what EA already saw. Crazy love triangle, that's what would breathe real life into the second level.
You know how you can tell that Michael Vick's apology was sincere and heart felt? He referred to himself in the third person. The Ringer knows when someone is a complete asshole.
How in the hell does Bird know what microdermabrasion is?
THE SONG: "Again" Lenny Kravitz
THE PLACE: Vegas
THE WORD: Bachelor party
Callaway took this photo on the return flight from NY to show proof positive Rickk was the jerk in the photo on the outbound flight to NY.
The Mez decided that he wasn't king of this castle and he's cleaning up his office. Right now as I type he's stacking old Thrashers in chronological order.
If you look at this photo you will see that I'm still the crappiest photographer around.
Why is Rickk's head so blurry? This photo was from Mikey's birthday celebration on Saturday night. We didn't invite Mikey because his girlfriend told us he didn't want to celebrate with anyone but her. Whatever.
Today is Glen Matlock's birthday. I'll check with his girlfriend but I'm pretty sure he would want to celebrate with us.
THE SONG: "Birthday" The Sugarcubes
THE PLACE: The Universe
THE WORD: Mikey
Happy Birthday, Mikey. I'm not sure how old you are today but I think you were 7 when we started the company and the company is 14 years old. Damn, happy 21st, buddy! Love you.
The other night Tough Guy texted me to say he was going to get a "junk food dinner". That's a total tough guy move, right? Like, "fuck good health, I'm hungry". Nice, Rich.
(He actually didn't text me just about that, it started out about data entry and then ended with that. Didn't want you to think we were like little girls telling each other everything we do).
I might have decided that I think Bukowski is a dick. Jenkins, before you take me out of your Top 5 on your cell phone, can we talk about it? I have a theory.
And I still hate the Yankees, Ben. I'm totally committed to hating them.
THE SONG: "Rushing" Moby
THE PLACE: Here
THE WORD: Busy
I guess we're all getting neck tats. A few of us already got them so we'll keep you posted as we all continue to get them. I'm guessing Callaway is next? Sweet.
Hey Tough Guy, there's M&M's in the cabinet underneath the microwave and no European distributors have handled their balls and then touched them. I think that's how you like them, right? With no ball residue on them, right? Cool, they're in there.
Ben Colen, we now have even more in common. I hate the Yankees now. Started hating them last night in the 2nd inning of the Angels game. A lot of TV's at Golds and a lot of jocks so....
I'll tell you the secret tomorrow. Promise.
THE SONG: "New York, New York" Frank Sinatra
THE PLACE: New York
THE WORD: The Fourstar crew
I had to take something upstairs to put on The Mez' desk. Holy dump! There was crap stacked up in one corner about four feet off the ground. You've been warned, Mez, clean it up or we're moving you to the skate park.
Guess who's a bigger jerk, Rickk or Callaway:
I have a bunch of work to do, check back tomorrow for a big secret.
THE SONG: "Right In The Eye" The Muffs
THE PLACE: Smyth's Eye
THE WORD: Not skeered
In an unprecedented show of humility and love, The Howards let The Carrolls win the softball game yesterday because their captain was unable to show. Mikey was "struck" with food poisoning and had to stay at home while we all played and laughed and BBQ'd. (Desa, next time you don't want to come to a company function, don't poison the poor guy, just be frank with him).
This is the "girl" that Rickk likes from Rock of Love.
Her name is Jes. She's from Illinois and has 4 tattoos and 9 piercings. She's a licensed cosmetologist. Aren't we all? Oh, and she's on a reality show trying to get an opportunity to bed down with Bret Michaels. Nice.
Happy Birthday today to Robert Plant. It's also Fred Durst's birthday which just goes to show there is no truth in astrology.
THE SONG: "That's Just the Way It Is" Phil Collins
THE PLACE: weak
THE WORD: this column
That's the whole column.
THE SONG: "Fourteen" Mia Zepeda
THE PLACE: Girl
THE WORD: Anniversary
Love you, Rickk, Mikey and Spike! (Wow, two of my partners can't throw a ball, weird).
Yesterday in a meeting Larson mentioned he needed to get a gift for someone and was looking for a beer bong. Sam told him that he could get one at any Spencer's Gifts store and that his mom had spun him by the mall to grab one a few months back. The weekly beer bong meetings are really good for all of us.
Yesterday Bird asked who picked the teams for the softball game and thought they were not balanced. So I asked Rickk to take a second look at them and he said, "we've got all the chicks that can't play". Lu? Chuck? Your captain is sort of a jerk.
(There, Mikey, now everyone on both teams hate the captains).
Gav, I didn't get a chance to watch that DVS wake DVD but I did test out the option on my paper shredder that lets you shred discs and that DVD looked amazing through the little window on the front of the shredder as it got destroyed. Tell the wake team to keep up the good work. (And not quit their day job).
THE SONG: "Cry Baby" Janis Joplin
THE PLACE: Barcelona
THE WORD: Mikey
Got an email from Mikey telling me I turned his whole softball team against him when I wrote that he couldn't throw a ball. Me? I'm not the one that even said it, I just reported it. You want me to be a god reporter, right?
He then went on to say that his shoulder can dislocate if he throws too hard and that he hopes it does so I feel bad.
Wow, I haven't heard that sort of whining since Frosty was a team captain.
Meza, when I was in the production meeting I saw you walk by. You really need to work on your posture. Come on, stand up straight, it's not like you're playing for The Carroll's on Sunday!
Look what Larson sent me yesterday, you can't find a lot of great designers who are also experts on whores, I mean dancers:
"Porsche is indeed a strippers name. But usually that's an "adopted" name..For her to be born with a stripper name is rare and special.
Most stripper names fall under three categories: Cars, states or cities and precious gemstones. Of course there are sub-categories etc, but I'll explain that later.
Strippers typically use smoke machines for a few reasons:
A. As you mentioned, to "hide" various affects of aging.
B. They at one time were "real" dancers, so the smoke legitimizes their new genre of dancing by adding drama and mystery. Costumes are often used in the same way.
C. They're nuts."
THE SONG: "A Winning Team" Cortex
THE PLACE: Torrance
THE WORD: The Howards
Weird, Rickk, Desa was Mikey's first pick for his softball team. Does that mean you'll probably end up marrying Tough Guy or River? Sweet.
Mikey, I don't want to turn the heat up on the competition level but more then one person said you don't know how to throw a ball.
Yesterday after I got an email from Smyth telling me that he loved his Iphone that I gave him, I asked him if I could send a cool picture of myself to pop up when I call him. He said that I could but then sent me a photo of what currently popped up which was one of our employees with his mouth on some Catalina whore's breast. Smyth, we are officially in a fight. Don't talk to me for, like, all day.
Got a resume from someone today named "Porsche". Is that a stripper name? Larson?
Meza, looking good.
THE SONG: "Baby, It's Yours" Mya
THE PLACE: my iPhone
THE WORD: Smyth's pocket
This is not the right way to love goats.
All we have left to do for the 14th Anniversary Softball Game is pick teams. Rickk and Mikey couldn't come up with names for their teams so we named them. It's The Howards vs. The Carrolls. Pretty good stuff, I would say we're on top of the heap with creativity these days.
The Mez has slimmed down for the summer. He's looking like Randolph Mantooth, circa 1978. He's taken, ladies.
Bird was here a little while ago and dropped off the new DVS wake video. I've only seen the package so far but Gav! you didn't tell me the entire team was gay! That's amazing!
THE SONG: "So Damn Happy" Aretha Franklin
THE PLACE: Right here
THE WORD: Friday
The Mez isn't ditching out on work, he's cheating on us with another brand. Jerk.
GOLDS GYM UPDATE! I haven't been in a while since I was going to pilates but when I went last night, two people hugged me. I guess I am a little more local then I care to admit. One of the people that hugged me was one of the strippers so I hope I don't have air born neck herpes.
Can you get that, Larson? From just hugging them? Not "humping", I said "hugging".
Spike told me that with his new Iphone, he had to switch to AT&T and they don't have enough cell towers and so his calls drop out on Los Feliz Blvd. Waaaaah!
Mikey and Rickk are about to go to a steak dinner together in Barcelona. Summer lovin'. You can't beat it.
Gav, here's another installment of GAV, DVS SHOULD TOTALLY MAKE THIS. What about water proof roach clips?
I've seen your wake team, believe me, they would appreciate it. Just take one of these feather ones and put a lunch bag type thing over the feather part. You know some engineers, make it happen. And, of course, you're welcome.
THE SONG: "Send In The Clowns" Judy Collins
THE PLACE: Your face
THE WORD: Not here
EA is bringing his sister and his brother to the 14 year Anniversary softball game. He said to watch out because they're both really athletic. You go ahead and take River and Tough Guy on your team, Rickk. I'm taking Team Anthony. If they are half as athletic as he is emo, we're solid.
Speaking of Rickk, in his computer, in his Itunes, he spelled the Rush song "Tom Sawyer" like this: "Tom Sawer". That's like an American spelling N'SYNC wrong.
Remember our sales guy that was rocking v-necks? Now he's complaining that the fridge smells bad. Getting more European by the day, Tom. Or is it Tomas?
Meza isn't showing up for work because Rickk and Mikey are out of town. Scandalous.
THE SONG: "Towed Away" Heavy Blue Chevy
THE PLACE: Ty's street
THE WORD: The Fucking Van
We're having a softball game and BBQ to celebrate 14 years of pure bliss here at Girl Skateboards. We're having some problems choosing teams for the softball game because some of the players form last year got canned and we have some new sluggers on board this year. I think trying to end up on Rickk's team is smart because he's an all around jock but Frosty's team isn't a bad choice either because he'll argue every call that isn't in his teams favor. Good times.
We all got personal drinking glasses today. Smyth didn't want one. Bad move, Sam. Bad move.
Happy Birthday to Kool Moe Dee. I know all the words to Wild Wild West....Sam.
The Mez just left work today at 2:15. Easy Aaron, no need to act up while Rickk is on the road.
Congrats Barry Bonds, now go away.
THE SONG: "Puppy Love" Donny Osmond
THE PLACE: Meza/EA cubicle area
THE WORD: emo
I just sat through a meeting and about 30 feet away, The Mez and EA giggled like school girls for about 20 minutes. New love is pure happiness.
I think you're a little busy, River, to also be part of an alternative German band but it's up to you.
Hey Rickk, remember that boat you sank in Europe when you were on tour about 8 years ago? That country has decided to not buy your board anymore. Hope it was worth it. Knowing you, it was.
Hey Larson, at strip clubs when the girls are a little "full", do they turn the smoke machine on to soften her size? Just checking.( I go to Larson with all questions regarding strippers, Van Halen and Volcom).
THE SONG: "Time To Move On" Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
THE PLACE: Your new life
THE WORD: go
I'm sort of bummed at The Mez and Smyth. I thought with the reality show Rock of Love being chock full of white trash chicks, alcohol and jealousy that they would cover it for you but I guess they're not coming through. I'm obviously busier then both of them so I only have time for this highlight: One of the "contestants" trying to win Bret Michael's heart referred to one of the other "contestants" large fake breasts as "circus hooters".
Larson, sorry about that Bonds stuff taking place in San Diego. Spoke to Emmet Jenkins about it last night and he said it doesn't count anyway. He's 11, he knows almost everything.
Today would have been Jon Benet Ramseys 17th birthday and Andy Warhol's 79th birthday. That's all.
THE SONG: "Barcelona" John Tesh
THE PLACE: Barcelona
THE WORD: Barcelona
Hey Rickk, call me and tell me what else I can't have. Thanks.
Silly me, I thought that the feathered hair, cargo shorts and flip flops were old thinking. I guess San Diego is totally ahead of the curve now and they're already wearing that stuff waiting for it to come back in style.
How come Larson dresses like he's not in a time capsule?
Speaking of Larson, not happy with the fact that Barry Bonds* might hit the record setting run in San Diego. Do what I do, Tony, just don't care.
Today I was having a power meeting with The Mez when The Desert Twins buzzed my office to ask if The Mez wanted to go to lunch. He just got up and split. That's how powerful he is.
THE SONG: "Loudmouth" The Ramones
THE PLACE: Just outside my office
THE WORD: Reda!
Rickk just left for Spain where Mikey is excitedly awaiting his arrival. Soon, The Posh and Becks of Girl will be reunited.
Spoke to Bird who told me not only did he wakeboard this week but he borrowed the wakeboard from the wakeboard team manager at DVS and took it on the airplane with him. Now who's hardcore?
Are flip flops, cargo shorts and feathered hair still in style in San Diego? Just checking.
Ben Colen, I'm sure you're future bride handled this but don't forget to register. Otherwise you end up with a bunch of junk that an adult man can do nothing with.
THE SONG: "No Fun" The Sex Pistols
THE PLACE: Here
THE WORD: Rickk
(No Porsche, No Goat, No Boat)
So, good sign for Laker fans. We made some bold life changing moves with the team in the off season like getting rid of Smoosh and bringing back Fisher. Why wouldn't we get a ring this year?
Might as well just bring back Vlade. (Do I sound like Bird?).
Mikey, I was totally kidding when I said that Alex was taking your place in my heart. There's no way he can be as annoying as you are, I mean charming. He's like a poodle and you're like a toy poodle.
Did I tell you that Larson is growing his hair out? We're 7 times as sexy as most other skateboard companies when he has a full head of hair. Sorry.
I think Rickk and Frosty have really grown comfortable with how big their asses are. They use to wear a certain size pant to cover up because they both have a crazy case of "Roy Clark" ass. But Rickk just came in showing off some size 34's that he was more then confident wearing and last time I saw Eric, he was all ass, too. Good to see, guys. Love who you are.
THE SONG: "Breaking Up Is Hard To Do" Neal Sedaka
THE PLACE: The Girl Ping Pong table
THE WORD: dramatic
Mikey, unless you start coming in to my office and asking obvious questions and then giggling, I think little Alex Olson might just be taking your spot in my heart. Last night he told me where he got that jacket he was wearing in the Daily Photo from the other day and he did a lot of giggling while he told me. Teach him that thing you do with the scarf when you drink. That's super cute.
Last night when I couldn't sleep, I watched some of The Titanic. Sorry Tough Guy, I don't want a boat anymore.
I think it's Bird's bday today. Bird? Is it? Well, if it is Happy Birthday. You and Wesley Snipes have the same birthday. I hope that doesn't mean that at some point you'll start wearing floor length leather trench coats.
THE SONG: "Viva Las Vegas" Elvis Presley
THE PLACE: The Desert
THE WORD: wack
Rickk just walked in my office, made a fist like he was going to punch me, and then walked out the other door. (Just keeping a journal).
Tough Guy thinks he has Restless Leg Syndrome. I wonder if there is anyone honest enough in his life to tell him he just has good ol' anxiety. Welcome to the club, Tough Guy. Call me when you're vacuuming at 4 in the morning and on night 5 of no sleep. Or, talk to that one guy in sales with cotton mouth. He found a way to get his legs to not be so restless.
There is a hole in the center of our conference table so you can hook up a computer and maybe display a power point or something really corporate. Jenkins said it makes him want to resign. Andy, there is no "resign" in "team".
Looks like the Celtics are getting KG from Minneapolis. Congrats, Ben Colen, an early wedding gift.
THE SONG: "Finally Friday" George Jones
THE PLACE: Everywhere
THE WORD: yes
We're always over achieving here at Girl. I think we're averaging about 3 hours on unrelated work activities.
My hair is really dry from this weather. Does anyone know have any good conditioning recommendations?
Buscemi called here yesterday and the secretary had no idea who he was. Seems like just yesterday he was very cool and now.
This boat thing is getting annoying. We have to pick a captain now, Tough Guy.
Have a good weekend.
THE SONG: "City Too Hot" Lee "Scratch" Perry
THE PLACE: Torrance
THE WORD: 88 degrees
The New Fucking Book Club hasn't kicked off yet but we're changing it up a bit. Sanger and I are going to read the books for Mikey and then email him a picture of the cover of the book as well as enough information about the book and the author to make it appear as though he read the book. Mikey's trying to finish a video part and run an action sports company, he has no time for reading. But that doesn't mean we can't make him smarter then The Mez. Oh, and speaking of The Mez, that was a typo yesterday, we will be reading The Beast in The Jungle by Henry James. You know what's funny, Mez? I once spelled Mountain Dew with two w's! Funny, huh? Toodles.
Yesterday after Rickk read my column he said, "Smyth was reading a magazine while we met, I noticed that". Then he added, "That's cool, I do stuff like that". Looks like we know who Rickk can pass that "President" title off to someday.
Tough Guy, can you take a look at this list and see if any of these names work for our yacht. I guess since the price is about 23 million, they'll put the name on for free. Pretty generous. Oh, and since it's 23 million, let me know if you think we need to get night jobs to cover the monthly payment. If we finance it for five years, it's 383K a month.
Yesterday my 5 year old nephew came by and we had to tell him that the skatepark was on lock down for reconstruction. He said, "this place isn't fun anymore". Oh, if he only knew.
Girl's 14 year anniversary is next month and we're trying to decide if we should have a party or just a small intimate lunch time BBQ. (Rickk and Smyth, I'm clear on where you stand on this, no need to contact me). We'll keep you posted. Gav, we still consider you part of the team, any suggestions? I know you hate parties.
THE SONG: "Trouble in Paradise" Loretta Lynn
THE PLACE: The Desert Twins hearts
THE WORD: Two-timing EA
We finally got the code to change our evening greeting on our phone system. Larson did a wonderful job as the voice of the new greeting. He also said we should change it once a year to "keep it fresh". I wonder when he's getting his white jeans.
The other day in a meeting with Callaway, Rickk and Mikey, while we went over a new security policy, Smyth read a magazine. Is that gangsta or rude? Such a tough one to crack.
Since we can't have a boat that needs to be towed because Tough Guy's truck got stolen, I think we're going to buy this 65 foot yacht and just keep it on the water. We will keep it docked in the French Riviera which means Tough Guy and I will also be purchasing a jet. Shit, now we have two things to name.
The Mez doesn't even know I'm mad at him. I tried to tell him something that sincerely made me happy and he made a joke about purchasing lumber for the skatepark. Easy Mez, that's Staba's job.
THE SONG: "Car Theft and Credit Fraud" 4-E
THE PLACE: Our parking lot
THE WORD: raw
There's been a little change in Rich and my boat purchasing plans. We needed his truck to pull the boat but it got stolen from our parking lot yesterday while we were working. That's not raw. Since I have a Prius we're faced with some towing power issues and are now looking for something a little lighter. Rickk and Gav still banned.
Mikey for The New Fucking Book Club, we're going to read Henry James, The Best in The Jungle. I'll get you a copy this week. You can take it to Spain with you. It's a pretty short read and just think, you're about 4 books away from being smarter then Meza. That's sweet.
Today Larson was taking pictures of EA and told him, "You have viking- like hands". Jeremy, looks like another dude in the building is hitting on your bitch.
THE SONG: "The Book I Read" Talking Heads
THE PLACE: Here
THE WORD: Let' s do this
Remember The Fucking Book Club? EA and Jeremy couldn't pull through? Well, we're bringing it back only this time it's going to be Mikey and myself. He doesn't know he's a part of this but since he stopped going to school when he was about 10 I figured now is as good as time as any to start learning. And it will be cool for him to understand when The Mez cracks a Lord of the Flies joke. I'll fill you in on the details Mikey, deep breaths.
Tough Guy and I are buying a boat. We're looking for something along these lines but we would like to stay a little under a million. Well, a lot under a million. We're still working on names which is obviously more important then life vests. Keep you posted as this unfolds. Rickk and Gav, you guys are banned from our boat. Granted, you two are a good time but you're too dangerous and "The Lake Mead" incident is still on your boating record.
I decided over the weekend that I would rather not be a mobster at all if I had to be a low level mobster. FYI.
THE SONG: "It's About Time" Van Halen
THE PLACE: lakai.com
THE WORD: Flared
Bird! My birthday is the 18th of November, not the 16th. And I'm not even sure I want to have my party in LA. Fix the timer and call me. Thanks bud.
River Joe has dumb-bells and dum-dums in his office. And once in a while there's a dumb ass in there, too. (That's not you I'm talking about, Lu).
Um, weird logo placement on To Catch a Predator last night.
Someone emailed me yesterday to say that they had met Tough Guy and he didn't seem that tough. I'll give him your address so he can come kick your ass tonight just so you know I check my facts when I write this column.
At 3PM today we will have 2.43 minutes of silence for our friends that passed away last week. Also, please note the name of the company if you have the patience to read to the 4th paragraph.
THE SONG: "Hang on to Your Ego" Frank Black
THE PLACE: your mind
THE WORD: your ass
Hey EA and Mez, I heard Bright Eyes on the radio last night. Sure you're not gay?
The Gav enjoys day three of smoke free living. He made it through yesterday with one "anti-smoke" lozenge and 18 Halls menthol lozenges. No turning back, Gav, do it for the wake team.
Remember when the Detroit Pistons were the "bad boys" of basket ball? Well, now they're coaching the WNBA Detroit Shock. A "shocking" career move.
Larson likes Amy Winehouse. Weirdo.
THE SONG: "Hostage" Queensryche
THE PLACE: Right here
THE WORD: help
Day two of The Gav cigarette free. Yesterday he survived with 8 pieces of gum, 1 bag of sunflower seeds and 2 anti-smoke lozenges that make you feel like barfing. Nice work, Gav. If you can't do this, we all fail.
Surprisingly enough, some of you emailed me to tell me you'd never seen a zorse. Here's what they look like. I'm not sure what Sam is naming him yet.
Speaking of Smyth, he's selling Ding Dong's in his vending machine that are totally illegal. You know when you're not suppose to sell things individually? Well, he's doing it. Would that be considered "gangsta"?
How cool is it that the Beckhams live in America now? One more reason for the terrorists to hate us.
THE SONG: "Straight Edge" Minor Threat
THE PLACE: Sam's body
THE WORD: 30 days
You're experiencing live, along with the rest of the world, Day 1 of The Gav cigarette free. How does it feel?
Smyth is going to be getting a zorse. We were reading Us Weekly, as Sam and I do every week, and we saw a zorse. It's the mishap offspring of a zebra and a horse and Smyth decided he wanted one. Hopefully they get along with goats or Smyth has a stable at home we don't know about.
We've worked out the parking space problem with Larson's Benz. He moved his spot closer to the street, said "it's a European thing". Cooper, feel free to park in that old American spot Larson used to call his.
I tried to get Rickk to skate with a Bluetooth on so he could be more productive and he just flat out said no. Wish he cared more about the company.
THE SONG: "Bad Luck" Social Distortion
THE PLACE: Everywhere
THE WORD: Friday the 13th
This might be the only addition to "GAV, DVS SHOULD TOTALLY MAKE THIS" but what about waterproof hipsacks? Like tupperware on your waist? You could keep your keys in it or your weed if you want to go that route. Maybe lip gloss? Talk to production, Gav. I'm not trademarking these ideas so you need to move fast.
The phone system that we bought more then a decade ago has a code that we can't break to get in and make changes. If you're a wiz with the Panasonic digital phone system from 1998, give us a call.
We don't really have an employee handbook but we have some policy. One of them is that you can have cotton mouth when we interview you and you're still a prime candidate for the job but you can't be high. I guess this would mean that the high would need to be wearing off on your way to the interview. And people think it's so great to work at Google.
Our international sales chief almost got car jacked leaving work the other night. Good thing for Romy she's French and just got all French on the guy. She brushed his arm off and told him he was about to get hurt then she drove off and he fell. Oh, and she never got off her cell phone. That's pretty French.
Coop, that's Larson's parking space you're in. That's a one warning offense.
THE SONG: "Alone and Annoyed" Eric's Trip
THE PLACE: Right here
THE WORD: Right now
River Joe is taking half day off today and all of tomorrow off. He also took Monday off. Chill out River, those are Rickk's hours.
Happy Birthday to Jeremy, the rougher half of the Desert Twins. If Jeremy was still in Yucca, he would celebrate his birthday tonight by rolling around in the cactus, fist fighting and drinking generic beer.
Is it unfair to find Mikey, Rickk and Frosty in a tie for most annoying if I haven't even seen them all day? I didn't think so.
Here's a goat to look at. Mostly this is for Tony but everyone, I'm sure, will enjoy it.
THE SONG: "Locked Up" Master P
THE PLACE: Catalina jail
THE WORD: Cooper
Wanted to extend a deep and sincere apology to My Little Dumpling, EA. After a few margaritas, I called him a "hairy barrel". Sorry, Eric. You truly are, in my sober heart, My Little Dumpling.
I also want to apologize to all of Europe for implying that "that dude in our sales departments" was bringing v-necks back and was single handedly going to show Europe how to do it right. He's actually bringing "redneck" back. My bad.
I just went to show Rickk and Larson an idea I had for a belt and they basically told me to go back to my office. That ought to reflect nicely on your holiday bonus this year, jerks. Maybe we should make sweatpants instead, Rickk?
THE SONG: "Islands in the Stream" Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers
THE PLACE: Catalina
THE WORD: Sales meeting
I guess if all goes as planned, Barry Bonds will beat Hank Aarons record next week at Wrigley Field. The fans are trying to ban together to not cheer or boo, just sit on their hands. This is supposed to send a message to Bonds that they are not acknowledging his record because he was on the juice. Next time you're outside of the country and can't figure out why everyone hates us, think of this strong important American collective effort.
Yesterday Larson called me and I said, "How are you?" and he said, "Great, just leaving the beautiful beach in San Diego on a really beautiful sunny day". Want to have a "Who's Enjoying Life More" contest? I didn't think so.
Ok, I have to go get some work done. Check The Randoms, Mondays are always when The Mez shines.
THE SONG: "Love Hangover" Diana Ross
THE PLACE: Larson's head
THE WORD: 5th of July
I got a spam email today with the subject "Amateur Inter-racial Orgy". Aren't they all?
The Mez is back. He looks a little tanner and thinner then when he left. Reda, let's see your post-tour look. I think you probably look like a hairy pear.
I need to get one of those professional conditioning things done to my hair, it's really dry from the summer heat.
THE SONG: "Time Traveler"
THE PLACE: The Randoms
THE WORD: weird
Looks like The Mez went back in time to post on June 3. Good stuff, Aaron.
Larson is growing his hair out. Right now it's at about "any chick I want anywhere" length. The bad news is that he claims when it gets just a bit longer, he gets a little hotter. Ouch.
We have a new feature in this column called, "Gav, DVS Should Totally Make This". It's basically brilliant ideas that we have that DVS could pull off more easily then us because they have a wakeboard team.
Our first idea, and these are free Gav, don't cut us a check is The DVS waterproof backpack. It completely seals shut like a ziploc bag so you can fall off a boat or ride a jet ski and keep your sketchbook from getting wet. Or if you're on a cruise and you get in a fight with your travel partner, jump overboard and swim to shore with your passport completely protected.
No v-necks today but Rickk and EA are rocking looks so Euro that we might all just take July 5th off to honor Metodej Day.
This is a holiday commemorating the religious teachers, Cyril and Metodej translating Christian lierature into the old Slavic language in the 9th century. Sounds like a blast.
Have a happy and safe 4th of July.
THE SONG: "Another Sunny Day" Belle and Sebastian
THE PLACE: Torrance
THE WORD: Emo
I was going to rag on the hold music but I am really close with the person that put the mix together.
Supra Pete came by last week. I guess we have to speak with Podium about how much they're inviting him down. Or at least if you're going to invite him down this much, give us a heads up in case we're throwing one of his gifts he gave us off the roof.
Remember I mentioned we were bringing v-necks back? I think we're just straight up bringing sexy back. Tom, the v-neck dude that works here, had a polo shirt on, all buttons open, nothing underneath it and it was kind of stretched out at the neck. It's getting weird here.
Mikey just came by with his small dog and his Iphone. What? It's not like he had white jeans on.
THE SONG: "Back Off Boogaloo" Ringo Starr
THE PLACE: here
THE WORD: Reda
THE SONG: "Crazy In Love" Conway Twitty
THE PLACE: whatever
THE WORD: whatever
Yesterday I tried to talk EA in to being gay but he doesn't like sex with men so it won't work. Pretty bummed, he would make the best gay guy. And I think if he was a bit hairier he would be considered a bear.
But the hetero's are stoked to keep him, he's so adorable.
A lot of v-necks today. What's up, Europe?
Last night I realized if you don't feel like getting in a fist fight, Rickk and Lu would be people that you would want to avoid. Rickk is a bit more subtle then Lu in trying to start shit but he also is a little less inked. Well, a lot less inked. But he's inked.
Speaking of ink, how's that goat, Larson? Baby.
THE SONG: "Missing You" Aaron Meza
THE PLACE: Here
THE WORD: The Mez
It's a long two weeks with no one dragging their feet across the 2nd level, Mez. We really do miss you.
Mettee, sorry about putting you on blast about the sticker error. I never know if I'm out of line until someone says something was "super harsh" and then I re-think it and realize that some people are hypersensitive. So, sorry that you're a baby. And in my defense, two people called me shocked that I didn't fire you.
Rickk is the only person in the company that takes stuff from the warehouse and doesn't write it down. I wonder how many times, behind his back, River and Rich have called him a jerk off for screwing up inventory. My math says about 12 times. They've both worked here about 6 or 7 years, inventory twice a year, the occasional missing of inventory because you're in jail at Lake Havasu. Let's go with 14 times calling Rickk a jerk off.
We're having a party on the 3rd of July to celebrate Canada Day which is a celebration of the formation of the British North American provinces under the name of Canada and Independence Day which is our holiday that Canada ripped off and tried to make some story up about the formation of something. Either way, beer will not be served.
But Tequila will!
Someone in our sales department is single handedly bringing back the v-neck t-shirt. You're welcome, America.
THE SONG: "Beautiful" Christina Aguilera
THE PLACE: North Carolina
THE WORD: goats/Biebel/cold beer
Not sure if you remember but years ago Mettee double ordered $72,000 worth of decals. At a 'regular' company, I think you get fired for that sort of error. But here at The Girl Skateboard Company, Inc. we just wait for you to do something that reverses out that insane fuck up. You're in the clear, Brian. I can't tell you how he righted his wrong but the $72,000 worth of sticker screw up has been erased from your employee file. Congratulations.
THE SONG: "Deadline" Blue Oyster Cult
THE PLACE: The Art Dump
THE WORD: sassy
The next person that leaves trash on the picnic table is getting open hand slapped by Eti.
I wonder when Larson travels if he carries this on or checks it as baggage.
Friday some guy tried to walk right in our building and steal a box of merchandise. Both River Joe and Lulla-Belle wanted to try out some vigilante justice on him. I went the old fashioned route and called the sheriff. But I did let Lu call him "motherfucker" a few times.
We're officially shelving any discussion of fashion trends that I am for or against. OK, Mikey? Love you.
Bird and I were on a conference call about two hours ago and he made a joke about a frisbee and I just got the joke. Sorry Bird. I was cracking up when I finally got it.
THE SONG: "Out On The Weekend" Neil Young
THE PLACE: anywhere
THE WORD: finally
You know Larson ended up here by mistake at least once. You just know it....
Oh my god, I didn't know Fergie was into them, Desa. That totally changes everything I thought about this trend. Now they're worse.
Oh my god, Rickk, did you vote for her? She's like, totally emotional.
THE SONG: "Irritated" The Ratchets
THE PLACE: Here
THE WORD: You
THE SONG: "On The Backside" Brecker Brothers
THE PLACE: Looking from the back
THE WORD: High waisted jeans
(Don't worry Mikey, I'm out of photos of her)
You know how sometimes you can't really tell what people think of themselves in terms of their looks? I mean I know Larson adores himself and The Mez thinks he's as hot as it gets but what about EA? Well, EA thought that was an unflattering photo of his ass posted yesterday. But when he mentioned it he said he looked like "an exotic mammal" not just a mammal. I think someone fancies themselves a tiny bit sexier then we thought. Nice, EA.
Supra Pete said no more gifts for us. Whatever Pete, that's not me on the roof, that's River, cut him off. But EA still wants his white jeans. (Not high waisted, please).
Callaway's back. I can't wait for him to see the 6 color spread sheet Mettee tried to step to him on. Two tones of yellow? Please, Brian.
THE SONG: "It's Too Late" Carole King
THE PLACE: Mikey and Desa's house
THE WORD: High waisted jeans
Got another accidental message from The Awesome Van on the Lakai USA trip. Let me transcribe:
First voice: Is that a dick?
Second voice: Yes, it's a dick
First voice: What is that thing?
Second voice: I think it's a she-male.
Koston, can you take a moment and show Rickk the "lock keys" feature on that thing? Should only take you a few seconds.
Supra Pete, since you are working extra hard to get back in to our good graces, maybe you can buy Emo EA the white jeans he's looking for. Here's what his ass looks like when he's doing product shots of things flying off the roof of our building.
It's almost like he's posing, right? (The really fruity part about this photo is Jeremy, the other Desert Twin, in the photo with just his shadow. They're so connected it's creepy).
THE SONG: "Empty Chairs" Don McClean
THE PLACE: My office
THE WORD: weird
Mez, you're totally right about things being so awesome in The Awesome Van on the Lakai US trip. Rickk called me on accident again and I got to hear him and Frosty talk about nothing. So I hung up and he did it again. I had to call Eric's phone so he could tell Rickk that the combination of Rickk mumbling and Eric sighing was blowing my mind and he should really lock his phone keys.
Supra Pete made the mistake of criticizing EA about his "product shots" for our upcoming catalog. Pete, that's a no-no. You know as well as we do, we do everything right.
We thought long and hard about how to make your wrong right and we couldn't come up with anything. But we wanted to know, how do you like this product shot?
Ben Colen checked in with us on the high waisted jeans subject. He thought we were talking about "mom jeans".
Come out of the basement, Ben. I realize there isn't a lot of fashion at the comic book store or hobby shop but you need to be more savvy. These are the jeans I was talking about and Desa, even if Mischa Barton wears them that doesn't mean it's right.
THE SONG: "Much Louder, No Money."
THE PLACE: Lakai U.S.A. trip
THE WORD: Reda
Now all we need is a name for our new friend! He poos little pellets, super easy to clean up. And we'll train him to eat the product that doesn't sell that well. I already love him.
If you have any suggestions for names, let the Crail Goat know.
ANNOYING UPDATE: Rickk would be in first because he mumbles and then when you don't understand what he said, he snaps at you. Then Mikey because I had an entire conversation with him while I was reading something else. That should probably be annoying to him but it annoyed me. Then Frosty in last because we haven't spoken in a few days.
EA, found the perfect white jeans for you. Don't let this guys ripped abs fool you, you'll look smoking hot with these on. Weird that they sell gay cinema on the same site. Hmmm.
THE SONG: "Born in the U.S.A.", Bruce
THE PLACE: My garage
THE WORD: 10 possums
I guess to make up for having a total asshole car when he's in his homeland, Supra Pete drives some sort of weird Pontiac rental when he's in town. It's all about balance.
Yesterday Lu sped past me in her hot rod and I caught a glimpse of Tough Guy, who was riding shot gun, smirking in the side view mirror. Tough Guy, that would earn you jerk status if I didn't love you so much.
Mikey, I don't have time to contact Desa but can you let her know that I don't want her to take part in the "high waisted jean" trend. They look retarded. Thanks.
Speaking of jeans, we put the call out for the right white jeans for EA yesterday. I would also like to add that he needs one of these to wear with the jeans so he doesn't have panty lines. If you have one of these laying around, he'll take that, too:
Looks like we're getting a pet goat next week. Or maybe even two since the price is so good. Sorry Rickk, you don't get a vote in this purchase.
THE SONG: "Happy Belated", J-Live
THE PLACE: Wherever you are..
THE WORD: BA
Even if you aren't a fan of the goats, read the first line of this article. Goat humor. Larson, turns out we're not alone. Goat Van.
Rickk, yesterday when Mikey was here I said, "When are you leaving for tour" and he said, "maybe Thursday". Sounded to me like he was on his own schedule and couldn't care less about the teams schedule. But I could be wrong. Ask him to be sure, I would hate to have misunderstood him and start any trouble between the two of you.
I think all of us, and when I say all of us I mean Tough Guy, Carnalag and Chuck, owe Larson an apology. Monday when he was out sick we all agreed he must have got the flu at Captain Creams. It was nothing that tacky. He ate too many hot dogs at a baseball game. Sorry Tone, you're classy. The rest of you apologize on your own time.
THE SONG: "Change of Mind", Tripping Daisy
THE PLACE: Tivo
THE WORD: Sopranos
Watched again last night, brilliant.
Callaway is still deep in his journey of Europe. The airlines lost his bag yesterday and he had to get clothes to wear from a local distributor. I wonder what he looks like without a fitted, starched button up on. And what were his spread sheets like yesterday?
More good news for Alex. The freight was actually $98.05, not $98.07.
SHOW US WHAT YOU GOAT is finally over and I'm glad. I guess "goat stuff" is harder to find then I realized. I found that out when Staci G gave me her entry for the contest. She said she looked everywhere for goat stuff and could only find satanic stuff. But looking at her contest submission below, she wins.
And since Staci G doesn't want two autographed Mikey Carroll decks, we'll think of a cool prize for you Staci and we'll send the valuable signed Carroll decks to the only other guy that understood the contest. Congrats Staci and David in La Puente.
You know what's awesome? Being able to give you a Lakai USA trip update even though I didn't get one. Rickk dialed me on accident so it was like I was a fly on the wall. Or more accurately the fly in a van where people talk about really retarded stuff and don't turn the music down so they can better hear each other. From what I can tell, they're driving.
EA is looking for a good pair of white jeans. He likes them sort of straight leg but not pegged. He's probably a 34" waist. If you have any laying around that fit that description, send them in. Maybe we'll send you a signed Mikey Carroll deck. Remember to take your ACT UP membership card out of the pocket before you send them.
THE SONG: Total Wreck, The Muckruckers
THE PLACE: My Office
THE WORD: Furniture
Talked to Bird yesterday when he was in Home Depot buying an air conditioner. He was incredibly mellow. It was hot out, Bird had to go to a large business with possible lines and had to make a purchase I'm sure he feels his landlord should have made and he was really mellow. It was eery.
Alex, good news and bad news. The good news is any time you're traveling and forget any product you need from Girl, call us and we'll overnight it to your next stop. The bad news is we just implemented a policy where you, the talent, pay the freight. Look for $98.07 less on your next check. Oh, and Mettee came up with the policy. Let me know if you need his cell phone number.
Larson and Spike aren't here today. We weren't going to honor either of them with anything so that's probably why.
If you think the season finale of The Soprano's sucked, talk to Smyth. He changed my mind and now I feel much better about it.
THE SONG: "The Best",Tina Turner
THE PLACE: Your heart
THE WORD: Girl
I guess my sarcasm about being a Ducks fan went right over everyone's head. I was being sarcastic, taking a jab at Supra Pete since The Ducks eliminated his team earlier in the playoffs after he flew down here for a few games. Hopefully I don't have to explain my sarcasm each day, that would be sort of not funny. And how could I be a Ducks fan? I don't even like the movies their coach is in. I mean, I liked Breakfast Club and St Elmo's Fire but not much after that.
The Lakai team left for a trip in the U.S. I hope Mikey can regain some footing with Rickk on this trip. From the looks of those China photos last week, Rickk found a new boy toy in Alex Olson. Just get drunk and put a scarf on Mikey, you know none of us can resist that guy. Rickk will be yours again.
I appreciate an entry from someone that understands the rules of SHOW US WHAT YOU GOAT and David from La Puente gets it. He sent in this miniature beer mug that even says, "mountain goat" on it. You're in first place, David.
Larson and Spike both sat out the Transworld Awards last night for the same reason: They weren't being honored with anything. They're jerks but I like 'em!
Best Team in the whole world? Really? Nice talent assembly, Smyth.
Happy Birthday, Misato!
THE SONG: "Spain",Tito Puente
THE PLACE: Spain
THE WORD: Callaway, stop #2
Today's Honourary Crail Canadian is Supra Pete. He took me to my very first Duck's game. Had he not done that, I wouldn't be the die hard hockey fan that I am and wouldn't have cried last night when I saw Temu Salani skate the rink with The Stanley Cup hoisted over his head. Thanks Pete, and as always, Welcome to The Tap.
Look who likes watermelon? Goats rule.
Chuck just came in my office to ask me how to spell "hock a loogie". Rickk, someone did that in the sink of the girls bathroom upstairs. Who do you think it was, Rickk?
We got a great entry for SHOW US WHAT YOU GOAT and it was sent via UPS which I admire. But my camera died so I'll feature this lovely item tomorrow. David in La Puente knows how the contest works.
THE SONG: "Not The Same", Dinosaur, Jr.
THE PLACE: This building
THE WORD: green walls
I think The Mez is doing his column in the middle of the night. How are you posting so early, Aaron? You go-getter.
Lu and I are in a fight and she doesn't even know it. She does now. Lu, until you make a mix on your IPOD for the hold music, you just keep your little comments to yourself about my mix. Thanks, pal.
I'm not passing judgment on people anymore. It's to balance out owning a Porsche.
Callaway was supposed to send us a photo of his haircut that he got in Sweden. Jason? We're trying to get the HARSH HAIR UPDATE back in place. Here are a few hair updates until we get that documentation.
1. That one chick, Lu, got hair extensions.
2. Chuck got a purple tint put in her hair.
3. Tough Guy, still bald.
SHOW US WHAT YOU GOAT is still trying to get off the ground but no one seems to really get it. You have to actually send something "goat-like" or goat related in to us. An actual object. Some guy from Michigan sent us this wall mounting which is not only not acceptable, it's deplorable:
Someone killed and mounted a goat? Have fun in hell.
Some guy named Mike emailed The Mez and said he's sending us a goat figurine carved from elephant bone. This could win but you better have a good explanation of how that elephant died of NATURAL CAUSES! I wonder if this contest would do better if it was two Koston decks as the prize. Just kidding, Mikey. Of course that has nothing to do with why no one is sending stuff in.
THE SONG: "As Promised", Alex Bugnon
THE PLACE: This column
THE WORD: Today
The other night we went out and Larson met a gal named Precious. She liked to sing, had the name of a stripper and owns a Juicy Sweatsuit. Those are all in Larson's "ten best things I love about a woman".
Alex Olson, I didn't like your answer to that guy that wanted to get the Crail tat and your suggestion of where he should put it. First, we should try not to write about that part of someone's dick and second, what if he sends a photo? Very disappointing. I would expect something like that from Mikey.
Wait, Shane from Active drinks beer? And Shane, I think you missed the memo, no more shaka's in topless beach photos. It's overkill.
SHOW US WHAT YOU GOAT got only one entry which means that the guy that sent this in might get two free Mike Carroll decks with no competition:
Really? No one has any goat stuff? He drew a goat, which wasn't really what we were looking for, but an entry is an entry.
THE SONG: "Tomorrow", Morrissey
THE PLACE: This column
THE WORD: Better
Tomorrow we'll have goat art, girl bands, Larson and a woman named Precious and we'll have a small scolding for young Alex Olson.
THE SONG: "Wash Me Clean", KD Lang
THE PLACE: Our parking lot
THE WORD: The Mez' 'stang
I didn't want The Mez and I to be the only ones with totally sweet rides so, Chuck, got you an early birthday present.
I'm sure you know where to get seat covers.
River set up a workout area in his office. I realize I have a shower and a bar in my office but free weights? I'm not sure I'm on board with that. But guys have been going in there and lifting so he might be on to something.
Our stock closet is right outside of the women's bathroom. That's wrong, too.
Callaway has a new look going today. I'm guessing this is his idea of "casual Friday". Just jeans and a skate t-shirt with no under shirt.
Mikey called this morning and said, "I didn't really have anything to say to you. I asked for Sam or Aaron and the secretary couldn't find them so I asked for you". That's right, Vice President for almost 14 years.
THE SONG: "Please Release Me", Barbara Mandell
THE PLACE: L.A.
THE WORD: Kobe
We're making some headway with the SHOW US WHAT YOU GOAT contest. Sort of. You have to send the object in, though! Anything shaped like a goat, with a goat on it, a real goat. The best goat item wins two signed Mikey Carroll decks. Come on, he wrote "Lakai or Die" on one of them. That's got to be an original.
Jeff sent this stuffed goat that he saw on ebay and didn't send the actual item.
Won't work, Jeff.
And someone named Mike sent in this photo and didn't send the item:
It might not have even mattered if Mike did send this item because Larson, one of the judges of this contest, feels that the goat is now seen as evil because of stuff like this.
Let's see Rickk try and defend this Canadian.
THE SONG: "Hold the Line", Toto
THE PLACE: Here
THE WORD: Finally
We haven't had hold music on our phone system in almost a year. That's all about to change.
If you've been wondering why there's been no talk of Golds, and I know you have, it's because I have switched to Pilates. The bad tats at the gym and the girls working out with their orange tans running down their legs lost its draw for me. A nice wooden room where no one is saying things like, "balls deep" might be better for the mind.
(There are a lot of tats at Crail Headquarters but these are all "good tats". Especially the one that says, "Totally Nutz").
My contest called SHOW US WHAT YOU GOAT is going extremely bad. There have been no entries. No one has any goat trinkets lying around? I refuse to believe that.
And the prize are those two signed Mikey Carroll decks. You're going to hurt him, too, if you don't make it seem like this is an important contest with a valuable prize.
Look how happy Andy and Tessa are? Reality TV is the best way to fall in love.
THE SONG: Just Kidding, Southern Tide
THE PLACE: My garage
THE WORD: Sorry
This is the most girls that have ever worked at Girl. We're at 8.5 right now. (EA counts as half girl because of the purse and tight jeans).
Lu doesn't smoke but Tough Guy does. I should have known. He wears slippers to work sometimes, why wouldn't he smoke? I'm sad, Tough Guy, very sad.
I haven't heard giggling or the word "balls" all day. Chuck took the day off.
This would be considered an unacceptable entry to SHOW US WHAT YOU GOAT:
You have to send us the item, so unless you are shipping this to us you're disqualified Ian. Don't be like Ian. Send in paintings, lamps, figurines, anything with a goat on it. We're looking for good goat stuff. Remember, the prize is two decks signed by Mikey Carroll.
THE SONG: Brand New Car, The Rolling Stones
THE PLACE: My garage
THE WORD: Sorry
Just so you know, I wouldn't buy a Porsche that looked like this. Supra Pete would. He tried to say that "spoiler" on the back is necessary. Necessary like a spray on tan?
I think My Little Lula-belle smokes. Or if she doesn't, she likes to carry cigarettes around with her.
I'm still looking for someone to show me how to curl my hair in those big rollers. Desa? Anyone?
Don't miss out on our SHOW US WHAT YOU GOAT contest. Check yesterday's post for details. I can't re-post them everyday. Here's an example of what would be considered a great contestant for the competition. A goat painted on wood. It's for sale on ebay, bidding currently at $9.99.
And the prize are these two decks, signed by Mikey Carroll. One of them says, "Lakai or Die" and the other has a flare drawn on it. I guess when you sign so many things, you run out of cool things to write. Just kidding, Mikey. You know I think everything you do is brilliant.
THE SONG: Hero, Enrique Iglesias
THE PLACE: Shanghai
THE WORD: Sox
Yesterday on the phone with Rickk he told me to hang on and then I heard, "Dude, where'd you get those, this is amazing". I guess Frosty bought him some sox.
I'm going to get a new cell phone today for sure. I took my current phone to the "shop" to find out why text messages go to the wrong person or why old text messages reappear as if they were not yet read. They said they fixed it. But yesterday my dentist got a message meant for Spike that said, "Call me, jerk". So today I get a new phone and a new dentist.
Mikey was in the lead yesterday for most annoying after needing to ask "one more thing" and calling back three times in a row but lucky for him, Rickk called from China near a construction site. I suggested he call back and he did that, this time from the inside of a packed restaurant. Rickk now holds the title. Nice work.
A new contest with an awesome prize!
First the contest. It's called SHOW US WHAT YOU GOAT. Send in any painting, sculpture, mug, key chain, etc.. that has a goat on it or is a goat. The best offering gets 2 (not 1) signed Mikey Carroll decks. Here's an example of something that would be considered a fine offering:
A large mountain goat lamp. Nice. Contest starts now and ends when we get the best goat gem.
Spike and Mike said "get the Porsche". Sorry Rickk.
THE SONG: American Idiot, Green Day
THE PLACE: ABC
THE WORD: The Bachelor
If you have two women in your life and you're going to get rid of one to pursue things with the other, don't tell the one that you're getting rid of how much you love her. It's confusing.
The Mez and Smyth are back. The Mez has on dress pants, slip ons and a Supreme shirt. So La Brea after a little time in Europe.
It didn't take Mikey long to rocket back in to "most annoying". Again, this can be attributed to the absence of Rickk, Eric and Spike. He made a joke yesterday that he was going to the Apple store and he might get a little laptop for his dog, Hyphy. Annoying.
See you there!
THE SONG: It's raining men, The Weather Girls
THE PLACE: Long Beach
THE WORD: Pride. The good kind, the gay kind.
A goat is way better then welfare!
For some reason whenever we are hiring, we get a good response from The Suicide Girls in terms of resumes. I'm pretty sure if Mikey did the hiring, we'd be Suicide Girl Skateboards.
Speaking of Mikey, with Rickk and Eric in China and Spike in New York, he would prevail as the most annoying. But Mikey, that's only because there's no competition. I mean, I could just call Eric and you'd quickly be in the number two spot.
I'm sort of sorry that I tried to bring the HARSH HAIR UPDATE back. Everyone's hair is pretty normal. I am still looking for someone to teach me how to put those soft rollers in my hair but other then that, I guess there will be no HARSH HAIR UPDATE.
THE SONG: Copycat, The Cranberries
THE PLACE: My hair
THE WORD: Mousse
Works for River, why can't it work for me?
Callaway gave me a piece of paper today with two colors of highlights on it. One color was to show his stops on a map and the other color indicated the path in which he would travel. Can't tell if he's the most thorough guy in the universe or if he thinks I'm a retard.
What a bunch of biters.
Mez, your office looks really good. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised when you return. Really, I really really do.
(DId that sound like bullshit?).
THE SONG: You don't own me, Dusty Springfield
THE PLACE: The Tap
THE WORD: December 31
HARSH HEAD UPDATE. Last night in a hockey game, Tough Guy got hit in the head. Looks like he needs about 4 or 5 stitches but he used butterfly bandages and said he's handling this one himself. I guess if we had nicknamed him Baby Boy he'd go to the doctor.
I got a mean email saying that when the Crail site was down it was nice to have a break from our "inside jokes and our lame self propping." Looks like someone needs the apple trick done to them by the best in the business, Mikey.
Did you know when you gossip about the affairs of others you do so because you feel unfulfilled in your own life and have to look to the misery or excitement elsewhere to take away from your own drudgery? That's what my Pilates teacher told me. I guess it's time to stop talking shit. Does rolling your eyes when people are talking count?
Mettee's Porsche joke: What' the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche? On the porcupine, the pricks on the outside. Still want one.
THE SONG: Mr. Pitiful, Otis Redding
THE PLACE: Right were you're at
THE WORD: No word
Last night at half time of the Golden State game, Mikey called me a bandwagoner. It felt neat coming from such a die hard dedicated true blue basketball fan. Sort of like the time Spike told me he was sitting court side at a game and Smoosh "Johnson" fell on him. No poseurs in this place.
There's no cuteness contest going on but just in case you're in the middle of a busy day and you need something to look at to remind you how special things can be, here's Chick.
Give a guy an office with a window and the next thing he's leaving his trash everywhere. Stop it, River. Look where being a little bug landed the other guy with a window in his office. Picking up trash on the side of the highway in faux Timberland boots. Jerk!
THE SONG: We Believe, Ministry
THE PLACE: Utah
THE WORD: Go Warriors!
Rickk told me to update my column. Mez, put down the crepe and update yours, too. He was pretty serious when he scolded me.
Still nothing too exciting on the HARSH HAIR UPDATE. Actually, still nothing too exciting at all.
Tomorrow is the day, check in tomorrow for sure. Until then, check this guy out.
THE SONG: Sweaty and Stinky, Jim Jim and The Fat Boys
THE PLACE: Rickk's feet
THE WORD: outbreak
Lu called a helicopter a "ghetto bird" yesterday. So sweet and yet so street savvy.
Seven years goes by really fast when you're having such an insane time. That's how long the crailtap.com domain was originally registered for and it just blew by. We registered it for another five. Mez, can you be funny until 2012? Of course you can.
Looks like The Desert Twins might be officially breaking up. I don't want to say who I heard it from but it rhymes with Ceremy Jarnahan. You're bumming, EA. The Mez might be fun to talk about sad songs with but when it's time to fight guys drunk in a bar, he's going to really be a bummer.
HARSH HAIR UPDATE is hard to do with so many people out of town. But just to keep it going, River's still loaded with gel. Not mousse.
Oh, and if anyone knows how to use those soft rollers that you put in your hair over night, drop me a line.
THE SONG: Jet Lag, Joss Stone
THE PLACE: My mind
THE WORD: 48 hours flying, 72 hours on the ground
HARSH HAIR UPDATE is back. Might as well kick things off with River Joe. It's not gel he puts in his hair, it's mousse.
I guess gel is "old school". His hair is pretty much perfect everyday. Not a hair out of place.
In my Porsche research, I found out that 4 wheel drive on a Porsche in LA if for poseurs. Thanks Supra Pete.
I wish I had a running ticker for how many people told me the site was down. Like that billboard that shows the amount of people dying from smoking cigarettes?I
THE SONG: Eat it, Ennio Morricone
THE PLACE: Hong Kong
THE WORD: Snake
I got a chance to drive with someone that scares me more behind the wheel then Rickk. It was on dirt roads in a developing country so I'm guessing he doesn't have the insurance issues Rickk has.
My spy on the Girl Europe tour told me that The Mez is on some sort of diet and not eating crepes like he normally would be. Mez, you're wife likes Artie Lange almost more then you, just eat what you want and grow a beard, you're fine.
The sometimes feature in The Randoms about what did The Gav Have just took on a whole new meaning. Congratulations Tim and Kelly, We love you.
No HARSH HAIR UPDATE until Thursday.
THE SONG: I don't think so, Dinasaur Jr
THE PLACE: Las Vegas
THE WORD: De La Hoya
Someone emailed me and thought I had made an error when I wrote Callaway was into Nine Inch Nails. What? A guy can't mix in some darkness with a fresh pressed button-up, a spread sheet and some good manners?
Bird, in case you didn't think that Houston dark cloud had a silver lining, I won twenty bucks betting on Utah. Cool, right?
Rickk is claiming Catalina Island for this years Camp Whatevs. Sounds scary.
I guess we're bringing back the HARSH HAIR UPDATE later this week. With Frosty no longer flat ironing his hair, it's all about the crowd at Girl with the most hair product use. River, is that gel or mousse?
THE SONG: Good luck my friend, The Cool Waters Band
THE PLACE: Everywhere
THE WORD: Staci G
Supra Pete, so let me get this straight. Your goalie had 56 saves and then let someone score to lose the series while he was asking the official why a penalty wasn't called? Wow. I thought The Lakers were blow-its.
I guess the goatee wasn't good luck, sorry Mark Cuban.
With EA and The Mez out of the building, our emo status has really sunk. But they're doing what emo guys do, they're in Europe going to art shows and talking about tea flavors. If it wasn't for his Nine Inch Nails fantasy, Callaway could probably hold down the emo for us while they're out. We'll be ok.
Today is Staci G's last day with us. After almost 11 years she's packing her Pennywise CD's and heading to Sweden.
Love you Staci, always have, always will.
THE SONG: It's Over, Boz Scaggs
THE PLACE: Phoenix
THE WORD: Lakers
Someone emailed me about the "annoying update" and wondered if Eric was also my business partner. When you really think about it, in a way, we're all business partners.
Bird, I need a written apology from you to Rickk regarding the comment you made about someone in the NBA that you think he looks like. Thanks.
Larson said he's going to get a goat tat when he's back from his European art show. I wonder why his Grandma thinks he's gay? So strange.
If you stop by Girl and our plants are dead, feel free to say "thanks" to Lu.
THE SONG: Bandwagon, R.E.M
THE PLACE: Golden State
THE WORD: Mikey
One more asshole, I mean person, got on board to agree that a Porsche is a great purchase. Supra Pete, thanks for the support.
Annoying update! Didn't see much of Frosty, Rickk or Mikey this weekend so they're OK. Spoke with Spike twice and he used the word "impromptu". That was annoying. But then I test drove a Porsche and had a glass of white wine afterwards so I think the proper order of annoying would be:
Me, Spike, Rickk, Mikey and Frosty.
The other day John Hall was eating his lunch in the front office which is totally against all policies but I thought, "he's a nice guy, I'll let it go". But I guess he thinks it's cool to be a total jerk because look what he forgot to put in the trash.
First and last warning, John. (Side note, Charlene shot this photo, looks like she took the same photography class that I took).
Friday night I saw a Ducks/Cannucks game. Orange County is....bitchen?
Well, someone had to get the goat tat and it might as well be the toughest employee here. Congrats Lu, you rule.
THE SONG: Happy Birthday, Altered Images
THE PLACE: The River
THE WORD: Awesome
Correction from yesterday. Mikey was not the jerk that left the In 'N Out trash on the lunch table. He claims it was Callaway but I just don't think he knows how to be a jerk.
But today there is a special jerk that Mikey was able to snitch out and his name is Rickk. What a surprise that after our sales meeting, Canada's finest just left his lunch on the table. Jerk.
Would I have to get in to illegal street racing if I got a Porsche? Don't get me wrong, I'm willing to but I just want some time to prep and at least get a racing name.
Smyth told me today that he was a super mellow and respectful kid growing up. Then he showed me how clean his office was. Someone needs a hug, Diana.
THE SONG: Cars, Gary Numan
THE PLACE: The Girl Parking Lot
THE WORD: Porsche
When Mikey moves in to my office, he is going to put a nitrous tank in the corner. Sort of weird but he's the VP of this place, who can tell him "no"?
Speaking of telling people "no" and Mikey, nice job on the picnic table with your In 'N Out trash. Jerk.
We're giving a crispy $100 bill to the first person to get a goat tat. Hustle Larson, her boyfriend has the tat gun at home.
THE SONG: Special Lady, Ray, Goodman and Brown
THE PLACE: Girl Headquarters, Lu's desk
THE WORD: Secretary's Day
Mikey, did you ever make it to Zelda's the other night? I've been wondering about that. You told me about 55 times you were on your way there.
We had Canadian overload today. Rickk, Supra Pete, Supra Pete's kid and Tony Ferguson. I almost had to make Supra Pete's kid wait outside until Rickk or Tony left.
It turns out Tough Guy and Larson at the snack machine yesterday was just some innocent flirting. River, sorry if I caused you a sleepless jealous filled night.
Just got an alert that Schnurr's coming to town this weekend. If you like seeing a large man with weird shaved pubic hair, you're stoked.
THE SONG: Almost Over, Limp Bizkit
THE PLACE: US Airways Center
THE WORD: Lakers
If I wrote a book and changed the names of someone's business partners to say, maybe, Sparky, Mickey and Rocky, would you be able to tell who I was referring to? OK, I'll think of new ones.
I ran in to Larson and Tough Guy flirting at the snack machine. Tony encouraged Tough Guy to not get Skittles and to go with some chocolate. Tough Guy agreed that was a good decision and got a Twix. River, looks like someone's gunning for your man.
Speaking of Larson, I wonder if he would feel like a wuss if Lu got a goat tat before he did. Hmmm.......
I think The Mez, Rickk and Smyth are trying to put "Formal Friday's" in to place here at Girl. Can't wait to see which of them is going to tell Eti.
THE SONG: Let's Get Married, Jagged Edge
THE PLACE: The Desert
THE WORD: Lovely
Figured out how to tell Ako and Atiba apart finally. Well, it helps when Ako wears a button that says, "I'm Single".
In the last three days, Rickk told me he would make a great Nascar driver and a great NBA commentator. I like the confidence, not annoying at all.
As soon as The Lakers get eliminated I'll make a decision about what team I'm backing. Smyth is backing Golden State because they haven't been to the playoffs in 13 years. I wonder who told him that?
Today's Honourary Crail Canadian is all of Canada, for really getting serious about snacks. That's a country with a purpose.
THE SONG: Slippin', Lil Kim
THE PLACE: Smyth's vending machine
THE WORD: 5 empty slots
The Mez compared himself to a young skate super star today. Pretty sweet.
I should have just skipped posting today, right?
THE SONG: It's Getting Better, The Vogues
THE PLACE: The Lunch Table
THE WORD: Cleanliness
Last night I had a dream that my car wasn't slow.
I wanted to move the ranking around for annoying. Rickk has moved back into the number one spot. With Frosty all caught up in wedding hoopla, I haven't seen him but I watched Rickk talk to him on the phone and that was super annoying.
Here's the breakdown: Rickk at most annoying, Frosty in second and Mikey not really that annoying at all. Some might even call Mikey pleasant.
When Tough Guy was in Europe, he visited the statue of King Robert that his family had told him he was related to. Turns out, after Tough Guy got King Roberts crest tattooed on his arm, they might not have been related to him and might have just been his servants.
If it's any consolation, Tough Guy, I consider you a servant and a brother. I'm sure King Robert felt the same.
King Robert should have ridden a goat, not a horse. Horses are for sissy kings.
THE SONG: Night Goat, The Melvins
THE PLACE: The Crailtap Goat
THE WORD: friendly
I heard on the radio yesterday that more then 10 players on the Clippers didn't know what a Clipper was. In an effort to be a good Canuck fan, I tried to look up what a Canuck was and it just said, "negative Canadian slang." Supra Pete? Am I rooting for the wrong team?
Larson might start getting neck tattoos. We are so down.
We have a winner! THE BEST PHOTO OF THE CUTEST DOG is Keylo. A stunning photo of a dog that deserves to be a winner.
Congrats to Sam and Diana. Look for your $50 Petsmart gift card on your desk soon, Sam. Mixed in with those weird notes your write to yourself where you cross out each thing as you do it.
THE SONG: Breaking The Law, Judas Priest
THE PLACE: Any highway
THE WORD: Rickk
Don't forget to go be a friend of the goat. Especially if you invented him.
Tough Guy is back from Paris. As with most tough people, the "small coffees" were bothering him. Feel free to challenge us to a fist fight now, we're back on our game.
The lunch table is right outside the backdoor of my office. Lu is eating lunch with some of her co-workers and has now said the F-word four times. Lu, we'll discuss this in your review.
Hey Smyth, can you send me another picture of Keylo so we can announce the winner of THE BEST PHOTO OF THE CUTEST DOG?
THE SONG: Bad Luck, Social Distortion
THE PLACE: Everywhere
THE WORD: Friday the 13th
Looks like Frosty only has a few more days of worrying who to cheer for. One of his favorite teams isn't going to the playoffs.
Gav, call me up. I found a wonder drug for breaking down fat while still eating more then 3-4000 calories a day. You're stoked.
Yesterday when Mikey and I spoke he moved back in to the number one spot for annoying. It was really windy, he was at the dog park and then his phone cut out. Then he called back and did a bunch of Koston-like pauses between comments. Very annoying.
THE BEST PHOTO OF THE CUTEST DOG winner is going to be announced very soon. I can imagine you don't really care anymore, I hardly care.
THE SONG: Pick A Side, Yo Gotti and DJ RPM
THE PLACE: Staples Center
THE WORD: Frosty
Yesterday when I said to Mikey, "you cut your hair" he said back to me, "I'm starting over". I'm not sure if this means with his hair or his life but either way, I'm excited.
Mez, I have slip-on Vans on if you want to come make that BMX joke you made that one time when you ruined my day and hurt my feelings.
We have a winner for THE BEST PHOTO OF THE CUTEST DOG. We will announce that soon.
THE SONG: Welcome Home, Metallica
THE PLACE: Here
THE WORD: River Joe
I wasn't supposed to post this but Spike and I determined we both have the same favorite director. Weird but cool.
I'm happy to say I am not switching gyms. I am sure that is good news for all of us.
Jenkins is on Catalina Island with about forty 10 year olds.
We have a winner for THE BEST PHOTO OF THE CUTEST DOG. We'll let you know very soon.
Sometimes a weak post like this makes you realize that not posting at all is a good thing.
THE SONG: Opening Day, Folk Implosion
THE PLACE: Dodger Stadium
THE WORD: traffic jam
Wait, she's 102 years old? Gav, I thought golf was difficult?
Don't forget The Bachelor tonight. He's an officer, a killed surgeon and he rides one of those annoying ten speed bikes.
Supra Pete, I heard the Canucks lost last night. Please confirm. I'll clear out my voice mail box so you have a lot of room for excuses.
I know I was supposed to pick a winner for THE BEST PHOTO OF THE CUTEST DOG last week but without anyone really running this ship, there really are no rules. And since I'm retiring in December, I kind of don't care about my performance review. That being said, look for the announcement of a winner in the next week.
THE SONG: Finish What You Started, Van Halen
THE PLACE: Vermont Ave
THE WORD: Non Stop construction
Rickk checked in from Frosty's Bachelor Bonanza to say, "we're on our way to a poker tournament." Same stuff, different city.
There is a small chance I might be switching gyms, I'll keep you posted. Sad times.
THE SONG: Desert Song, Def Leppard
THE PLACE: A beautiful rented vacation home
THE WORD: Deposit
This is the third day in a row that Mikey has been in the office by noon. Wierdo.
Sam isn't in the office today. He submits his time off requests directly to Rickk and he does them verbally. Whatever, Sam. It's clear that you like Rickk's company policy better and I know it's because his allows beer on the premises. Very shallow.
THE BEST PHOTO OF THE CUTEST DOG got an email from someone named Steven saying that his dog was cuter then Chick. Steven, I'm only posting this photo to prove once more, no dog is cuter then Chick. Don't be ridiculous.r
THE SONG: Lost Without You, Wynona Judd
THE PLACE: The hearts of all the girls at Girl
THE WORD: River and Tough Guy
Larson, I was thinking about becoming a Padres fan again but I realized they play 162 games or something like that. That's way too many times for my mood to go up or down. Maybe once I'm done with this column and I'm not taxed with this burden of cute dogs and fun songs I'll have time for more sports.
Speaking of Larson, one of the strippers that goes to my gym told me that the only thing worse then being in a girl fight is losing in a girl fight. I acted really tough and just agreed.
So EA sent me this email saying that although he and Jeremy did have mexican food the day the chips and salsa were left on the lunch table, they did not leave any trash out there. (He had a veggie burrito and his life partner, Jeremy, had some beef tacos). I have to believe him, he's so emo.
I'm working on a slide show of all the trash photos from the lunch table. I think it is going to be heart warming.
Happy Birthday to Mettee, Tom and Robert Downey Jr.
THE BEST PHOTO OF THE CUTEST DOG hands out a blue ribbon on Friday.
THE SONG: Hall of Fame, The Prime Ministers
THE PLACE: NBA
THE WORD: Phil Jackson
Yesterday Mikey reminded me of why I always felt he held the crown for "most annoying person ever". Thanks Mike, sometimes just a quick visit and it's clear Rickk has nothing on you in that department.
THE BEST PHOTO OF THE CUTEST DOG might not have a back to back. Smyth went the ol' "saving the best for last" route and sent in this photo of his very cute dog, Keylo. Sweet pose, nice photo, no photoshop.
The new season of The Bachelor started last night. It hasn't gotten good yet but it will. The only time 25 chicks in a house isn't a problem is if you're in a cult or something.
THE SONG: Since You're Gone, The Cars
THE PLACE: Somewhere in London
THE WORD: Tough Guy & River
Don't challenge our company to a fist fight until the middle of April. River and Tough Guy went to Europe and we're not the menacing crew we usually are with them gone.
Hey EA and Jeremy, how was your mexican food you had for lunch, losers?
I'm pretty sure THE BEST PHOTO OF THE CUTEST DOG has the same winner as last year. People were complaining because they claim Atiba uses photo shop to doctor Carmelo's good looks but as Pete Rose use to say, "If you're not cheating, you're not trying." We'll make an official announcement this week.
The Gav moved to a new secret location and told me yesterday that he joined the "neighborhood watch" program. I guess they're a lot less picky about the panel then they use to be. That's cool.
THE SONG: So tired, Ozzy Osbourne
THE PLACE: Here
THE WORD: Now
I promise to thrill you on Monday. Promise.
THE SONG: Even The Losers, Tom Petty
THE PLACE: Staples Center
THE WORD: Canuck
Speaking of Staples Center, Spike and Tremaine had floor seat for the Lakers/Grizzlies game this week. When I saw them on TV, it appeared Jeff had a stone washed denim jacket on. Jeff, that look is for skinny feminine dudes. Not bulky studs.
THE BEST PHOTO OF THE CUTEST DOG takes yet another entry only because the person sending it in has magical powers and might turn one of us in to a troll if we don't accept his entry.
This is JoJo, Ben Colen's dog. Ahhh, how cute.
After we finish up the dog contest, we're going to hold a competition to see who should get a parking space designated just for them in our parking lot. The contestants are:
I realize The Gav doesn't work here but he has one at Podium and we never thought we'd see that so why not?
THE SONG: Gambling Man, Woodie Guthrie
THE PLACE: Hustler Casino
THE WORD: All in
Supra Pete told me yesterday that he too doesn't need a passenger to ride in the carpool lane when he visits the USA and he said he can't believe people stop for those flashing lights at the on ramp to the freeway. Just like a Canadian to think you get a pass on our traffic laws. Remember Pete, Rickk spent a cold night in a Colorado jail with that thinking.
THE BEST PHOTO OF THE CUTEST DOG got an email from Atiba with an entry he was sending in for a friend. That's how confident Atiba is, he'll send photos of other dogs just to show how much cuter Carmelo really is.
This is Hank. He's cute and he looks like he wouldn't be a spaz to be around.
But look what Atiba also included in his email. Are we going to have to just name Carmelo THE SECOND CUTEST DOG? Chick is obviously the very cutest dog. We'll see.
Take a good look at Red before you agree to hand the title to Carmelo, he's cute and in this photo he isn't showing us his wiener. He's cute but he looks sad.
Tell The Crailtap Goat what song you think he should put on his profile. Larson, write The Goat a song!
THE SONG: Quiet Storm, Smokey Robinson
THE PLACE: Torrance
THE WORD: Photo-blog
THE BEST PHOTO OF THE CUTEST DOG is taking a late entry only because it's from Canada. This is Tony Ferg's dog, Gia. Pretty cute.
Rickk, there's a congress person trying to pass a law where people can call a hotline and tell them when they see someone in the carpool lane without any passengers. Then the police send you a ticket. Might be time to vote.
The other Rick is here.
THE SONG: Finally, Toni Braxton
THE PLACE: Smyth's Vending Machine
THE WORD: Lemonheads
We'll announce the winner of THE BEST PHOTO OF THE CUTEST DOG sometime this week. We might have a back to back champ.
My little Lula-belle or as you know her, My Receptionist Lu, went and got just a little more ink on her shin.
I don't know what it means but I like it.
Supra Pete, not sure if you guys are drug testing up there but you might want to consider it. One of your employees offered up the entire Led Zep collection on disc. You're welcome.
THE SONG: Friday, Joe Jackson
THE PLACE: Everywhere
THE WORD: Again
THE BEST PHOTO OF THE CUTEST DOG isn't anywhere near over. We got Frosty's entries a few days late. He's on "hot shot" time, a whole different clock.
First he sent this photo of Tiger. Cute dog, crispy photo, sort of gross to have the dog that close to a fork you eat off of.
Then he sent over this photo of Rocket. I guess Rocket didn't need a bath. I think Rocket might be cuter then Tiger.
Some guy named Alex sent in this photo of his Dog, Bailey. I've seen enough modeling shoots in fashion magazines to know his ears are being held back with wire hangers. Eliminated!
Last night Supra Pete and Rickk determined that as flavored chips go, in Canada, ketchup is the best, fried gravy is a close second and dill pickle is third. Yes, it's the classiness that separates them from us.
Does anyone have the complete Led Zeppelin collection on CD they can send me? I can send you something, like a Chocolate Hip Pack.
THE SONG: Jump in my Car, David Hasselhof
THE PLACE: Girl parking lot/Lu's garage
THE WORD: Badass! (Our receptionist has a skull decal on her window? Wicked!)
THE BEST PHOTO OF THE CUTEST DOG takes yet another hair pin turn. This entry came when we were just about to hand the crown to Preston, Chick or Red.
This is Dixie (on the left) she is super cute. But wait, it gets cuter/sadder. She was attacked two times in 24 hours by bigger meaner dogs and survived. Does she win for inspiration points?
Only Atiba is a good enough photographer to find an entry that makes us forget about his dog raping Hime's dog. Look at this beautiful photo. Can Carmello be let back in and have back to back victories? Cute lovers?
And then of course, there's Red and a reminder of his presicousness. Extremely cute dog, nice photo, a little too much weiner showing for some of The Tap judges.
Put the poll here!
THE SONG: On a Bicycle Built for Joy, Burt Bacharach
THE PLACE: The road
THE WORD: Sweet
Mez, no more "all quotes by Reda in one day". It's bad enough trying to come down from the shock of that voice and his presence after he pays us a visit. I don't think a re-cap post is necessary.
And Rickk, no need to launch in to a "you hate Reda" tirade. I don't hate him at all, I like him. He's just super annoying.
THE CRAIL BEST PHOTO OF THE CUTEST DOG took some heat yesterday after we disqualified Red. It's hard to look in to those little baby eyes and look at the word "disqualified" at the same time. Red, you're back in. Get us a recent photo so we can hold the finals.
You're going up against Preston...
And Chick. I had to use a photo of Chick from a distance, he's too cute for a close up.
THE SONG: There's a Winner in You, Patti LaBelle
THE PLACE: Florida
THE WORD: Frosty
THE CRAILTAP BEST PHOTO OF THE CUTEST DOG takes a sharp unfair turn, as most of the contests in this column do. First off, Red is eliminated. He didn't learn from Atiba and tried to send a photo of himself as a newborn puppy. Actually, you can't blame Red, you have to blame his owner. Sorry Red, might be time to run away to live with a different family. Pretty cute, though.he
Second, we are scratching all the previously announced finalists. Tiger and Rocket didn't get their photos in on time and Maya sent too many photos.
And finally, we're naming two new finalists.
Chick was originally not allowed due to exceptional cuteness but I offset that with a photo with bad lighting to even the playing field. Holy cute!
And the other finalist, a little more handsome then cute but the photo was taken by a professional. This is Preston, he's EA's dog. Actually, EA is so cute he makes his dog cute. When we hold the CRAIL CUTE MAN CONTEST, he will take the gold.
285 more days of this column.
THE SONG: Vulture Culture, The Alan Parson's Project
THE PLACE: Beer
THE WORD: Tampa
The Goat needs to spice up his profile. Look for lots of photos of when everyone was a lot thinner very soon.
THE CRAILTAP BEST PHOTO OF THE CUTEST DOG, which has had several different names, still doesn't have a winner. Maya, the dog that looks like a stuffed animal, is in the lead. But we need to see one more photo of Rosie and Red. Send them in so we can pick a winner and the winner can enjoy the glory.
This sweet dog Olive is banned from the contest because her owner is a drunk. Sorry Olive.
Reda and I just had a brief conversation about dealing with people that are uncool. I guess that means Reda and I agree that we're both cool.
THE SONG: Friday on My Mind, David Bowie
THE PLACE: Wherever
THE WORD: Thankful
Happy Early St Patrick's Day.
Carnalag is out of town and EA is too scared to leave trash around. Larson ate lunch upstairs with Rickk. I went to lunch with Callaway and Cooper. So who is the slob that went to Carl's Jr? Tough Guy? Step up or rat out.
Just so Alex doesn't think that Rickk is only picking on him, he threw a pair of wet sweaty sox at two people yesterday. The first person was me, the second was Callaway. What about JERK in old English across your shoulders, Rickk?
This is the final week to get in your entries for THE BEST PHOTO OF THE CUTEST DOG. The finalists as of today are:
Maya, the stuffed animal
Carmello, who can't be pictured because he's banned
Tiger and Rocket
And Meza, there's a new slide show coming. I know the last one was a favorite of yours.
THE SONG: Cool Jerk, The GoGo's
THE PLACE: The van/Alex's face
THE WORD: Sucker!
Alex, that banana slap was totally uncalled for. I will take $25 off of Rickk's next check and put it on yours. Let me know if he does it again, I can probably get him kicked off Girl all together. I know the team manager.
THE BEST PHOTO OF THE CUTEST DOG has another controversy. Chris from Germany sent in another photo to prove his dog, Maya, is not a stuffed animal. Unless he's really good with photo shop, like Atiba, I think this is a real dog. Which means this is a really cute dog. And possibly cuter then Red.
Speaking of Atiba, in his efforts to get Carmello back on The Tap, he only confirmed that the ban should stay in place. Take one last look at Carmello before the final ban goes in to place. The only person that would be worse to see holding Carmello then Duncan would have been Dirk. BANNED.
We did get one other entry but the guy said if he didn't win he would know the contest was fixed. So you're banned too for being too smart.
THE SONG: Missing You, Diana Ross
THE PLACE: Hawaii
THE WORD: Carnahan (Leaving a lonely desert twin here at Girl)
The Chocolate Hip Packs are back in stock and ready to wear. Kenny took one with him to Machu Picchu. In case you are wondering where that is, Mikey, it's in Peru. Kenny wears his on the front but as you know, it can be worn over your ass, too.
I learned something new about skateboard contests. If you can't do more then three tricks in a row, you can't enter a contest.
THE BEST PHOTO OF THE CUTEST DOG got another entry from The Gav's boss, Juston. He said, "I'm just not sold that Tiger and Rocket are as cute as this guy". Frosty, go hit him over the head with a golf club because this photo might take the gold. Who's gross hairy knee is that in the back ruining Red's chances of winning?
Someone from Germany sent in this photo of a "dog" named Maya. This thing is too cute to be a dog, that's a stuffed animal for sure. I'll trade you something for this, though.
Larson, got some bad news for you, bud. You know that back piece you were going to have Jon Hall start working on next month? Someone already got it. Big deal, though. Deep Purple isn't the only great rock band.
Julius got the bust of Spike Jonze but it showed up in 11 pieces. We packed it with so much love and care that I can only assume that someone at UPS doesn't like Spike. Might be that one Weezer video he did.
Luckily, Julius was able to put it back together which is more then I can say for the bike he sent me.
THE BEST PHOTO OF THE CUTEST DOG got an entry from someone named Ryan. His dogs name is Scrappy. This photo is cute but the dog looks sad. What's wrong, Scrappy?
Speaking of sad and dogs, Atiba tried to bribe Carmello's way back on the The Tap with some very precious photos. His dog is cute but you can't hump another dog and look into the camera.
I think we're about 90% tatted at our company now. There's only about five of us left without ink. Jenkins, you're up.
The Song: Lonesome Loser, Little River Band
The Place: Staples Center
The Word: Embarrassing
THE BEST PHOTO OF THE CUTEST DOG welcomes back everyone's favorite competitor, Frosty. Last week when The Gav's boss, Juston, sent in the photo of his dog I thought people would forget about Tiger and Rocket. Eric wanted to make sure you didn't so here they are again. That's Rocket in the front. I wonder what he's thinking. For years I thought Tiger was a boy and that he named him after Tiger Woods. Tiger is a girl and her full name is Tiger Lilly. I love the softer side of Eric.
Julius, can you send me a photo of you with that bust that we sent you? (Don't want to say whose bust it is in case he reads this). I'll send you a photo of Mikey riding the bike you sent here as soon as someone here takes the time to put it together. Would that be lame to have Spike put it together?
Mihaly, Bird tried to give me some blown up magazine covers mounted on core board. I'm not a big P.O.P. fan so I had Bird give them to Callaway. Going forward, I would direct all of these types of gifts Callaway's direction. But, it goes without saying, thank you for thinking of me.
The Song: A Little Unfair by Willie Nelson
The Place: Minnesota
The Word: Three words for today, over eager officials. Let him live
THE CRAILTAP BEST PHOTO OF THE CUTEST DOG received an entry from The Gav's boss. He didn't call himself his boss but it said, "Promotions Manager" as his title. I think The Gav is just merely promotions. Anyway, enough about cute Asian men and back to cute dogs. This is from Tim's boss, Juston, and his dogs name is Red. Cute dog and I like the product placement to his left. I think Red might have people asking, "Tiger and Rocket who?"
The Hime sent in an entry that disqualifies Atiba's dog, Carmello, from any further competition on The Tap. Hime referred to this as a "double entry." Morrissey is the cute French Bulldog on the bottom in this not so cute photo.
The Crailtap Goat, upon finding out that Larson has a myspace page, set up his own myspace page. They have a lot in common. They both know exactly where they were when President Reagan was shot and when FHM went out of business. Go be a friend to the goat. He loves kids.
The Song: Physical by Olivia Newton John
The Place: Golds Gym
The Word: Abs
If Rickk was here he would tell me not to write this but he's not. When you're the Daily Photo poster and you're not The Gav, you can't post photos of yourself. It's almost as bad as the time The Mez quoted himself.
THE BEST PHOTO OF THE CUTEST DOG CONTEST hits a jackpot of entries.
This is Rosie from Oregon. You can't really tell how cute this dog is but I think it is safe to say he's wearing a medium t-shirt and he needs an extra large.
Not sure if any of you remember Oakland Mike, he was an original member of the BETTER FUCKING BOOK CLUB when the Desert Twins couldn't come through. This is his dog Haley. Cute dog, nice pose, sweet sweater.
Callaway's brother in law, Emmett, sent in this photo but didn't tell us his dogs name. Write back and tell us his name, Emmett. I'm guessing the dog is a labrador. Very cute
This dog has a fancy name and sleeps with dinosaurs on his back. This is Simone and she's cute. Her owner, Michael Coleman, sent the entry as if this was a very formal competition which could help his chances of winning.
The Song: Make that Ass Talk by Chingy. I can't tell you exactly why that is the song but maybe you'll see a tattoo in the future and it will all make sense.
The Place: Someone's ass. See above
The Word: Dedication. See above.
The Bird just called me and he's getting the flu. The Bird flu. That wasn't cool or funny.
THE CRAILT BEST PHOTO OF THE CUTEST DOG has Annie from Oregon in the lead. Frosty? You better get a photo shoot set up before you take the silver.
Here are some more cute photos of cute dogs.
This is Lexi wearing the same Halloween costume as Carroll put his dog in. Cute but not well trained. Dogs shouldn't
walk on desks.
This next dog lives in Germany and wears this floaty when he swims. The person that sent it in said, "sorry for my bad english." Not a problem, you should hear our German.
I'm kicking off what could turn in to a regular feature. It's called The Song, The Place and The Word. Each day I'll pick one of each that is relevant for this day.
The Song: Working for The Weekend going out to Tough Guy, Callaway, Chuck and Joey who came in on Saturday to catapult us to success.
The Place: Phoenix, Arizona. Rick, Ty, Aaron, Eric and a host of other delightful people are on their way there right now for a week long mancation.
The Word: Pippen. He might be a Laker soon.
We all put in $5 for the lottery on Friday. As we were discussing the winnings, My little Lula-belle (that's my new name for My Receptionist, Lu. I changed it just in case she gets promoted) said if we won, she wouldn't quit her job here. That will be weird if we win and it's just her here.
None of the photos of the dogs I posted on Friday were visible. Not sure why or what to tell you. I'll make it up to you with some current entries in to THE CRAILTAP BEST PHOTO OF THE CUTEST DOG.
This came from someone in Oregon and although all I've heard is how cute Frosty's dogs are, I think he just met his match. This is Annie.
And My Lula-belle wants you to see that her dogs are as cute as she is. This is Bella and Simon. Very cute. Might want to turn the glare down on their eyeballs, Lu. Could cost you cute points.
Happy Birthday to many musical genius' today. Eddie Money, Dale Bozzio, Jon Bon Jovi, Karen Carpenter and William Simmons of Midnight Star.
Today's Honourary Crail Canadian is the candy wine gums. They're good and when you get a bag of them that someone smuggled across the border, they're even better.
THE CRAILTAP BEST PHOTO OF THE CUTEST DOG welcomes more entries.
Some guy named Rick sent this photo in of his dog, Scooter. Maybe Mikey can let you know where to find t-shirts that
fit your dog.
This photo came from Ray Ray, he films for Lakai. I don't know who Ray Ray is, but I don't think Bird is going to like that he named his dog Etnie. At least change it to DVS.
This is from Vic at Val Surf. The photo is cute, the pose is cute, the dog is cuter and her name is Lupita.
And finally, a dog from down under. Joe sent this in from Australia. I have to tell you Joe, I know a beagle named Lenny that could give this dog a run for his money.
I have to go, I'm sort of over dogs now. Hopefully you already logged out.
I'm happy to announce my social experiment is a success. The Desert Twins are not only picking up after themselves, they are cleaning up after others. EA told me this after I accused them of leaving the Burger King trash on the lunch table. Now the two of them are working to find out who's been leaving the trash around so they can rat them out. Better to be snitches then slobs.
THE CRAILTAP BEST PHOTO OF THE CUTEST DOG CONTEST welcomes some fierce competitors. Looks like someone took time out from being an "LA fan" to shoot a pretty awesome photo of his dogs. Cute dogs, beautiful lighting. The bar has been raised by Frosty.
The new and improved Jeremy of Desert Twin fame has a dog named lucky. This photo is chock full of cute points as it was taken in the middle of the night and the dog put the blanket over his own head.
And if you want to see how cute he is without the blanket on him, here he is. Tilted head? That's cute.
Mihaly, sorry for calling you out on your casual look for Atiba's wedding. Bird pointed out that DC doesn't make ties yet. Our bad or my bad. One of those.
Today's Honourary Crail Canadian is David Desrosiers. He's the bass player for the Canadian "punk band" Simple Plan. If you don't know who they are maybe the name of their 2002 hit song (in Canada only, of course) will give you a glimpse into their genius. It was called "No pads, No helmets, Just Balls." They're from Quebec, obviously.
Welcome to The Tap, Dave.
Hey Desert Twins, how were your Whoppers yesterday? Couldn't put this in the trash can that was three feet away?
Unless you two can tell me who left this here, you're taking the fall. FYI, your employee files are getting a bit thick from warnings.
THE CRAILTAP BEST PHOTO OF THE CUTEST DOG CONTEST gets underway. Keep in mind people, this is about the photo more then it is about the dog. Someone named Michael sent this in to Sanger. He wrote, "is this contest only for the industry elite?" Michael, we only know one person that is considered "industry elite" and The Gav doesn't have a dog. Nice photo.
Mihaly sent this photo of his dog and told us people think he's a pot belly pig. Not that this had anything to do with the photo contest, Miahly, but Bird thinks you should wear a tie if you go to a wedding. I know that laid back San Diego style is tough to shake but look up the word "formal." Maybe it was Bird and me that thought that. Hard to remember right now.
And today's last entry is from our good friend Nate in the valley. This is his 13 year old dog, Murphy. Very stoic look for the photo, I can almost tell what he's thinking.
Todays Honourary Crail Canadian is David Milgaard. When he was 16 years old, in 1969, he took a road trip across the prairies in Canada. There was some petty theft and drug use but one thing led to another and he was wrongfully convicted of a murder. He was released in 1992. There's 23 years you can't get back. But worse then that, the Canadian band, Tragically Hip, wrote a song about his plight called Wheat Kings. Anyway David, sorry about that mix up with the DNA, that long stay in prison and that horrible song and most importantly, welcome to The Tap.
We're going to have a new contest that involves cute dogs and photos. But this contest is a photo contest. It's called
THE CRAILTAP BEST PHOTO OF THE CUTEST DOG contest (again, Chick will not be allowed in the competition for obvious reasons, too cute and too photogenic). Start sending in your photos now. Mikey, put one of those hilarious t-shirts on your dog and send it over.
I realized today when I went in the warehouse that the Gusto Gav cut out was in the area where we put things right before they get thrown away. I'm not sure what happened Timmy but The Mez seems to have fallen out of love. You guys had a good run, shared a lot of good times, I would say it's worth it to try and work this out. You could probably charm him with a Matix sweater and some Twinkies. I think it's worth it.
Frosty, does being an "LA fan" mean all teams? Even the Galaxy?
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