ENTRY #114
JANUARY 31st, 2003

The Lakers go head to head with the Suckramento Kings tonight. If Fox can manage to keep his mind on the game and off of his Ford Probe or Excursion or Mustang or one of the many cars he pimps for them, maybe we can try and get a win.
I'm not sure if Phil Jackson checks this column on game day but if you do, Phil, any chance of keeping Ty on the bench for this one? Thanks.

Tomorrow will be one month for Bob K and his joining of The Mez cult. While Bob K is sober and riding his bike around Santa Monica looking for love and friendship, The Mez is soaking up the sun down under with some fellow Team Crail goofs.
The Mez may have another recruit in The Gav. After realizing his new shoulder injury inhibits his ability to wipe his own butt, drinking may be a little out of his league. The Mez has offered him a cover on Skateboarder after he's sober for one month.

The Bird Man (not Tony Hawk, Kelly Bird) will be going straight from NY to London all in the name of cool shoes. This means Bird will miss the following events:
- Super Cross
- Joe Millionaire Party
- We finally have a date for the YEAH RIGHT premier Party
- Let's Party while The Bird Man is gone Party
- and most importantly....
Let's Watch Mikey's Porn Collection While He's out of Town Party

Due to liability issues, OCX has dismissed The Gav from their team. After being on the team only one day, OCX CEO Jenkins released a statement that was too long to re-run but included the words "weiner", "lawsuit", weiner burn" and "later bro". I'm sure Tim will have no problem getting a new sponsor.

Harsh Hair Update: Scott Johnston got a perm. It looks really good, though. I think it's the expensive kind. And then of course Cheeks is rocking a sort of Johnny Depp during the 21 Jump Street days.

Anyone get a chance to watch Surreal Life last night? Wow. This reality shows are so informative. I never knew Vince Neil had a bad temper or that Cory Feldman was a total tool. Good thing I watched.

Did you know that Royal is releasing its glow in the dark trucks in a few months? It's true. Now you can get rid of that Miami Dolphins night light and just leave your board next to your bed. That's how we work, always looking out for you.

You know why you haven't heard from Arvedis? He got his tongue and fingers removed so he can't type or speak anymore. The Tap wishes him well and hopes he has fun in his new job and new circle of friends. Oh wait, that's another party that Bird is going to miss, The Arvedis is Gone for Good Party.

 

ENTRY #113
JANUARY 30, 2003

In a surprise move, Jenkins has put The Gav on Team OCX. He didn't have a Hot Dog Cart Team until this point but Jenkins said, "Raw talent knocks, I answer". You got to believe in Jenkins decisions, he is one half of the team that invented Jive Handles in BMX. And of course one half of the team of people that believe mimes are the wave of the future.

Harsh Hair Update: With his episode of MTV Cribs just around the corner, Frosty had trimmed up the back. "It was just flipping up and out of control". We all know how that feels. Bob K is putting his hair beihind his ears, Mikey has gone with the "messy look" that appears to be borrowed from the lovely Scott Johnston, Abeyta still rocking the military and Megan cut her own hair after down loading "how to cut your own hair" off the internet. And then of course Spike cleaned up and is now referring to his look as his "Stee". Oh, and Jennifer Meuller has won Crail's hair style of the month.

The Girl Talent Show is finally going to happen. We'll keep you posted on the destination but so far we have Liam Bishop rocking the house and Spike Jonze doing a little spoken word. Is it possible that we may get Z Man to host? Keep your fingers crossed. (Keep this under your hats, but this show may also be the unveiling of THE RICKS as in McCrank and Howard).

Who's going to the Super Cross in Anaheim this weekend? Jenkins. He's full motocross. And not afraid to put a RACER X decal on the car.

It's exactly two months until it's four days before the premeir of YEAH RIGHT. Front row we have Ty Evans, Mike Carroll and The Mez. We'll keep you posted on the seating arrangement as it unfolds. Somewhere in the back row where you can sneak in beer: probably The Gav.

Turns out Fillmore wheels by Diamond may be just about ready to blow the back door off this place. Secret team rider announcement soon.

Ever been the victim of just good solid reporting? Us, too.

Fan of The Game returns to section 105 with who in the seat next to him? Frosty! What can he do, Frosty is as fun as a pretty girl and he can buy the beer. Good choice, Hime.

Tomorrow we take a look at "HARD HITTING JOURNALISM". Weird.

 

ENTRY #112
JANUARY 28th, 2003

Fan of the Game returns to the Staples Center on Saturday night. Which means one of the Jefferson brothers will also be in attendance.Or possibly Koston if Hime gets amnesia and forgets that Eric doesn't take him when he only has two tickets.
Frosty does what every other red blooded American male would do, takes a pretty girl. But not The Hime. He'll take someone with him who will appreciate the beauty of the lovely Laker girls. I think Hime likes the way they all look so exotic...like they're from Rialto or Upland or some where tropical.

Ever have The Gav sit in to be guest editor of your column? Didn't think so. The guy was given full control of Crail last night and he froze up. Might have something to do with the three bottles of wine and Rick wearing a robe with jeans but the guy could not type anything other then "I'm so excited to be in the Crail office". Timmy, we all are but you need to maintain some composure.

We've had great feedback from posting Jereme's phone number. All the kids that call him say that he is very polite and patient with them. Looks like someone's doing a little public relations work before the release of YEAH RIGHT.

Ever chip your tooth on a champagne bottle? Same here.

Jenkins putting a pool in at the OCX palace? "Filled in the summer, drained in the winter". Can someone stop this guy before he blows the back door out of the south bay?

Joe Millionaire is worse then The Bachelor. Didn't think it was possible but it turns out there is someone on the planet that is a bigger meat head then The Bachelor and women more deperate to be his bride. Last night he asked the girl that looks like she got hit in the mouth with a pipe (sorry, I can't remember her name) what she would do if she were to come into a large amount of money and she said the same thing every self respecting gold digger would say, "Um, I would like go to a third world country and like be a nurse and help the children...".
Sure you would. First, you couldn't find your way to Dallas let alone a third world country and second, you'd be whooping it up in the nearest Rampage with sugar daddy's Amex card.
Help children in a third world country......would you, like, take them, like, BK Broilers and a super size soda?

 

ENTRY #111
JANUARY 27th, 2003

Wow, those Lakers are something else. I wonder what they will do when the other teams are in the play offs? Houston lost too so at least there was something to feel good about. I wonder if Ford will still want Rick Fox to do all those commercials when the season is over? Might as well have Sean Rooks do them, same amount of people will be motivated to buy a Ford. Or maybe have no one do them, that will be just as effective too.

And how about Tampa Bay not being afraid of The Raiders? Our biggest Raider fan here at Girl called in sick today. I can't blame him. Now I know what it feels like to watch Laker fans when you're not a fan. Not so cool.

Turns out Meza is bring hailed as one of the best cult leaders of all time. "He's funny and he looks great", said Bob K while he did his laundry. Meza is really leading the people to a better way of life. While The Gav was partying it up with the ladies, Bob K was riding his bike around Venice, looking for friends. Sounds like Bob is really getting over on Tim.

Spike is now on Team Crail. After skating a pool about half a dozen times with his lawyer, we felt like he was keeping it real. Spike will not be getting a column but will be a regular at Tito's lounge.

Mikey has departed for Australia. We would like to say that his departure went off without a hitch but Crail readers are smarter then that. He accidentally packed his wallet and then thought he lost it. I think it has become quite clear, Mikey is his own worst enemy. Well, if you don't include all the usual haters.
Mike is in the company of Crail's own favorite Cult Figure, The Mez. (Meza from now on is known on The Tap as The Mez at his own request). There's no winning Mikey over to the bus destined for sobriety. He can't do that "i'm sort of shy and innocent until we get back to my place" act without a few beers in him. Or at least some Merlot.

I guess some publishing companies are pursuing The Gav for a book they want to write about his life. Working title: DOUBLE BOOK. Stay tuned.

Ty's secret club might be switched from CITH to FPC. Either way, you can't get in. (Save all the Techno Hate Mail for later). YEAH RIGHT count up or count down......either way that thing is on its way. Currently world premiers are scheduled for Tokyo, Vancouver, London and NY.

Want to win some of Rick's stuff now that we already gave away Muellers stuff? Well why didn't you say so. The first Crail reader to send in a poem about Rick wins the package! (All entries that include the word "prick" or "dick" will be disqualified). Send your entries to:
RICK'S STUFF IS WACK
c/o The Tap
22500 S Vermont Ave T
orrance CA
90502

 

ENTRY #110
JANUARY 22nd, 2003

The Lakers play again tonight. They squeaked through Monday by the skin of their teeth. The Clippers almost took it into over time but at the last minute The Lakers remembered their annual income and decided to show up.
Now I understand why Rick Fox was approached by "Skechers"...cuz he is one.
Thanks for the e-mail from the guy telling me I was a dipshit for saying Yao Ming was built in a factory. "His parents were in the crowd so obviously he wasn't built in a factory...". Sorry that I don't explain the subtle attempts at humor. I was trying to insinuate that he can't be human since he plays so well and can block Shaq who we (stupid LA fans) think is super human. See how funny the joke was that you missed?

No more talk about Rick Howard on this column. From now on when we mention "Rick and Mike" we mean McCrank and Carroll. It's a long story but it all comes back down to a double breasted blazer that didn't belong to Bird but did belong to Megan. Couple that with a "harsh Marc Jacobs" comment and the fireworks begin. Either way, those limited edition "Rick's a dick, Mike's a dick" reversible t-shirts will be awfully valuable.

The Gav is back from Panama with a savage tan. He needed a little vacation, turns out he had a bad experience at the gym in December. He's rested and ready for three days of hot chicks with bleached hair, free stickers and ring worm from shaking hands in Long Beach this weekend.

Stop calling Jereme Rogers on that number we posted a few days ago. You're all stressing him out. Can't we post a number without having people call it for unnecessary reasons? Come on people.

Ty Evans new secret club: CITH? Stay tuned for details.

 

ENTRY #109
JANUARY 20th, 2003

Friday night while Rick and Bird tried to see if their friendship could sustain the pressure of a Lakers/Rockets match up and three pitchers of beer, we found out that Rick is the real slim shady.
Yao Ming proved he was the bigger man but does it really count if you were built in a factory and you're not human?

Sprout and Mueller proved once again that they know how to party. The lovely newly weds shared the bliss of marriage with a hot tub celebration as well as an impromptu dance team presentation.

Guess who realized Meza's cult of sobriety was just a path to boredom? That's right, Bob K. After announcing his sobriety only four days earlier, Bob referred to Budweiser as "the good stuff" while cracking open beer number 3. He's Canadian. But not the Honorary Crail Canadian, just Canadian.
We wanted to make McCrank the Honorary Crail Canadian but he already got it once so he is not eligible again until 2008. By that time we'll all be over this web site. I totally forgot what the point was. Sorry.

Spike's new movie, Adaptation, or as Harrison Ford called it Adaption, managed to get a couple of Golden Globes last night. If you haven't seen it, hurry hurry hurry!

Bird and Megan are currently undergoing psychiatric therapy after seeing a full grown man do half splits, fake push ups and then play air guitar in a sports bar on the dance floor. Bird is said to be in better condition since his childhood in Texas prepared him for these types of things.

Carroll judged the Best Trick contest at the Bay View Rumble and even though he didn't enter, he feels he won. Weird. Everyone else feels that Mark Appleyard won. Including the Crail staff who normally back Carroll. That's why one of our several mottos is "We have your back. Sometimes".

 

ENTRY #108
JANUARY 17th, 2003

Couldn't get a hold of The Gav? Give Jereme Rogers a call:
774-406-1412
He loves to talk on his phone. Absolutely loves it. I mean at any time. Noon or midnight. Just give him a call. And if you have friends that are lonely and want someone to talk to, give them his number. Maybe you have relatives in Honduras that just want to get the perspective of a young skateboarder, give them his number. And don't be shy, call as much as you want and whenever you want Again, it's
774-406-1412
Got it? Be nice when you call him and ask him if his one friend that he likes to make calls with is around. That guy is an absolute riot.

 

ENTRY #107
JANUARY 16th, 2003

Anyone see that Laker game? What about Horry's braces? It looks like we don't need Bird in the season seats ever again.

Aaron Meza is banned from The Tap. If his bosses find out, he's so busted. This is where he does much of his research for his publication.

Rick McCrank likes to get all his information from this website as well so we have the following messages we need to get to him:
1. What sort of keg would you like for your birthday party?
2. Did you have an acting coach when you filmed your episode of SKATE?
3. Thanks for the ON ANY SUNDAY DVD!

Here's the skinny on Bob K's claim to Americana fame.Bob is actually 72% Honduran. Turns out the pack of wolves that were traced were originally from Copan in Honduras. They boarded a boat that was headed for a small port in New Orleans. Once the pack of wolves got into the city, one of them ate a spicy shrimp and they took off running like a pack of wild wolves. They didn't stop running until they got to Thunder Bay in Ontario. That is about 5 generations ago so Bob was raised in Canada. So it's official: Bob K: 8% American, 72% Honduran and just the right percentage to keep it real, he's 20% Canadian.

Can we get some information sent to us regarding that chicken disease that is going around? Is that a true story? Is it fake? Can Smyth eat chicken again? Let us know.

Hime doesn't eat chicken. Actually, Hime doesn't eat.

Jereme Rogers got a glimpse at the "not so nice" Megan. I guess he thought it would be fun to give Megan's phone number to his friend. Both of them got to hear the f-word said at a very high volume and quite a few times.

Mike York is working on a water ballet routine for his opener in the video. As soon as Ty finds the proper crane to shoot an aerial shot of the pool, it's on. Maybe it's not a crane that he needs. Maybe a helicopter.

Talked to The Gav lately? Give him a call at [censored thanks to the Gav's lawyers]

 

ENTRY #105
JANUARY 15th, 2002

We're about to find out if Bob K is really 1/8 American. We've hired a full team of investigators that are looking into his family roots. So far they've traced it back to a pack of wolves in Ontario. Legend has it that the wolves would drink from Lake Superior which is US water. Other then that, the only thing Bob K has that seems remotely American: His love of doughnuts. We'll keep you posted.

Yesterday we reported that Rick Howard had enjoyed three healthy glasses of wine with dinner, not knowing that Rick had told Ty he could punch him in the face if he drank before the video was done. (Which is weird because while waiting for the video to get done, a lot of us have had the urge to punch both Rick AND Mike in the face).
Look for Rick and his shiner coming soon.

If you thought the Ford Focus was about as dope as it could get you've under estimated the cleverness that runs through Marc J's veins. He made it a convertible! It turns out that someone in a convertible Mustang pulled up next to him and sort of taunted him so he went straight home and sliced the lid right off that pile. He's Amazing.
If that show "That's Incredible" was still on, he'd be on like, every night.

Quick shout out to Mike Carroll. Thanks for putting the wrappers from your meal at IN AND OUT in the trash can next to the upstairs printer. Very considerate.

Want to buy a Palm Tree? You can't afford it.

CHIMO!

Larson in an effort to try and get chicks again is doing some sort of half ass cleansing deal. And get this, he thinks he's staying sober for the Mueller Desert Blow Out. Larson should do stand up, he's so funny.

The Bachelorette is on tonight. I think the message that this show sends is such a valuable and beneficial one to all people of all ages. It really gets that important message out there that humans are more shallow then ever. And it does it in a way that really makes you think. That shower scene they're using as a teaser is so beautiful. Her in her swimsuit while a desperate struggling actor rubs her back and pretends he wants to marry her at the end of this whole fiasco. The brilliance almost makes you wince. But don't wince or you will miss some of the most incredible facial expressions ever made by men in an attempt to bolster an acting career/get laid. Unless you've been at a bar at closing to see the younger Brother Carroll make his move, you'll never witness such appalling behavior. And the cherry on the cake.....She's a Miami Heat Dancer! OK, catch your breath. But, yes, she is, a Miami Heat Dancer. Maybe it's just me but when that camera pans in on a Laker girl, just the bleached hair and the pancake make up combined with the excessive frosted lipstick. It seems unreal....but it isn't. Don't miss the show or you'll miss the life lesson you may not get another shot at.

Have I told this one yet: What did the two oceans do when they saw each other? Nothing, they just waved. Oh, I have? Cool. Funny the 2nd time?

Harsh Hair Update: Koston is starting to get a sort of puffy area of hair at the bottom of his neck. It looks like he has a small animal tucked under his actual hair. Looks pretty rad.
And then of course Rob Abeyta can't shake that military thing and his hair looks exactly the same every day. Jeremy is starting to get the military thing going too. And Larson, too. Uh Oh, is the art department playing "Army Man" again?

Megan got kicked out of the all girl motocross gang. When asked for comment, Megan had this to say, "No I didn't, they still like me". That's why they've gone riding three times since her crash and forgot to call her. Bitches.

 

ENTRY #104
JANUARY 14th, 2002

Rick finally got his priorities in order and shook that Meza cult. Rick helped himself to three glasses of wine with dinner last night. (He's over 21 kids or else he would have had grape juice.......JEREME!)

Well, Bob K "found out" last night that he is 1/8 American. Isn't it odd that he found this out just when he learned about Joe Millionaire and the idea that they might hire another loser to lie about his life to get girls and then tell them the truth in the end?
Bob K knows that the good people at Fox are not going to let a Canadian be Joe Millionaire. So all of the sudden he's American.
Bob's parents should have named him Crystal and his middle name Clear. What next, Bob? Your real last name is Carroll?

Remember all those secrets Hime told me that he asked me not to put on Crail, they'll be up soon.

The Gav is still in Panama. He's a Panamaniac. (Just off the top of my head, can you believe it?)

Mueller's desert blitz is about to blow the back doors out of Palm Springs. ("Blow the back door" out of anything is actually Arizona speak. Other then The Gav, that probably looked like a foreign language to most Crail followers).

Did you know that you could take the back seat out of a Ford Focus and put a tanning bed in there? Neither did we until a bronzed Marc Johnson showed up the other day.
And it's the healthy kind of tanning bed, you know the one that air brushes you with 8 essential vitamins? That's the one he got. How do you say chick magnet in Arizona speak? .

 

ENTRY #103
JANUARY 13th, 2003

Purple Reign? That's right. The Lakers managed to get another win without Bird in the season seats. Kobe was on fire and Shaq looks like he ate too much wedding cake.
We'll be the 8th seat but it will still be good.

Just a correction for all the Marc Johnson fans. I received an angry e-mail from the Lakai/OCX team manager. I guess it isn't a whale tail on MJ's Focus, it's a speed fin. If I was more of a car buff, like those guys in the lowered Honda's with Matix logos on the back window, I would know that a whale tail would never work on a Focus. My apologies to Marc for all the lost board sales and to Ford for thinking you could fit a whale tail on that car.

Meza continues on his quest to bring down the Torrance Marching Band. Now on the sober band wagon: LARSON! That's right, the guy that single handedly put the Chi in Chimo. What next, Meza, Dimitry? I have a firm commitment from Sprout that she will not be a part of Aaron's fiasco. Stand strong, people.

Joe Millionaire is a goof.

Friday night Smyth and Lee brought some of the streets to Orange County... but to quote Smyth upon his departure, "They didn't want none of the streets". That's usually how it works.

Guess who's membership is up for renewal in Club ProActiv? His first name starts with an "M" and rhymes with HIKE. Oh, and his last name is Carroll.

Stay tuned for Lee Smith's Top 5!!!!!

 

ENTRY #102
JANUARY 11th, 2003

Lakers were on fire with Fisher stepping up to some incredible three pointers. They gave away these weird towels so that was cool. I guess you were supposed to wave them in the air. Possibly like you just don't care.

And speaking of not caring, this column is short today.

It closes with a heart warming exchange between Bird and Howard.
Howard: It woud actually be pretty fun to be a private investigator.
Bird: No, I know, like super fun.

 

ENTRY #101
JANUARY 10th, 2003

Looks like Meza won Rick and Bob K over to the dark side. Sober since the 1st of the year. And both of them are glowing, sort of like Aaron always is.
I wonder if they will develop that same problem Meza has where he craps his pants at shopping malls. Time will tell.

CHIMO! That's Canadian for CHAKA and it's also the new tattoo that McCrank and Howard got on their calves. Marc Johnson got one too which is sort of weird. Sort of like the time that Gav got the Red Dragons tattoo...he's not a Red Dragon.
But amber is the color of his face most of the time.

The secrets that Hime told me? They'll be up tomorrow.

Rick and Bird are back together for the big game tomorrow night. Looks like you will be seeing Lakai's in the Laker pro shop. Yao Right!

Larson will be debuting his OCX EXOTIC BIRD TOUR this summer. We'll keep you posted with dates and schedules but from what we hear, the thing is going to be insane. Seagulls and everything.

I get lots of hate mail for Rick and Mike and it's usually too stupid to try and post but I got a winner this morning. This guy referred to Rick as RICKI LAME (ya know, like RICKI LAKE). Crail followers are the wittiest people in the world.

 

ENTRY #100
JANUARY 9th, 20032

Looks like Bird is not only Rick's new lucky charm, he is also the only guy going to the rest of the Laker games this season with Rick. Kobe set some sort of a record last night but we were busy trying to figure out how Tivo works so we didn't get to see the whole game. And then when we were watching Sports Center, the power went out. Ty has the generator so I couldn't get any power. Either way, I guess Kobe made like 700 3 point shots in a row. Rick and Bird were also lucky enough to be seated next to some hot young ladies. We didn't hear what Bird nicknamed them but Rick called them "Fat mouthed whores". We think that is Canadian for "Snuggle Bunny".
The Keepers of the Rings may get to the play offs after all.

Bob K said that amber is the color of his energy.

Do people that hate Chomp On This hate the fact that they sold like 50,000 of them? I like to wonder what the haters hate and how much they hate it. It's fun. Do they hate the Chomp wrist bands? Here's the order in which I love Chomp stuff:
The video
The wrist bands
The shoes
The t-shirt
(If you'd like to print out the above list and match it with the Chomp things you love, it's not copy righted so you're totally welcome).

Marc Johnson continues to try and tell people that he was not the only guy smoking at the Girl Holiday Bash. Marc, I thought you wanted to go to heaven later? Then stop lying so much and take those sickening sweats off and get to the gym.

Amber is not the color of Bob K's energy, sorry.

Mood Ring:
Mueller: Happy
Ty: Happy, as always. Just an even easy going guy.
McCrank: VANITUDE!

Speaking of Ty, looks like the Gav is trying to beat him to the hardening of the arteries. Tim's order at Taco Bell last night came to about 26.00. And he was alone.
I hope any girls interested in The Gav don't read this. Then they'll know he binge eats sometimes. You have to be careful when reporting, The Tap messed up some love connections for Hime. We apologize for that, at The Tap, one of our mottos is :Bringing the people together for a brighter tomorrow. (I made that up on the spot, amazing).

Amber is the color of Nick's energy.

Harsh Hair Update: DId you see the new Lakai catalog? Step aside Justin Timebrlake, Scott Johnston's got the hottest hair. Slightly messy but clean and trim.

Want to do the count down to YEAH RIGHT? Me neither.

When I get those "fuck Rick and Mike" e-mails, the only thing that jumps out is RICK AND MIKE. So here you go:

Favorite Color
Rick: Red
Mike: Bubble Gum Pink

Favorite day of the week:
Rick: Monday
Mike: Thursday (The Lounge)

Favorite Country:
Rick: Canada
Mike: Romania

Favoirte Skater:
Rick: Mike
Mike: Rick

 

ENTRY #99
JANUARY 8th, 2003

Bird is in the season seats for the second time in one week. This will be the true test if he is the secret rabbits foot that The Lakers need. Or if it is true that Rick and Bird are trying to get Lakai into the Laker Pro Shop.

Hey, did you get the press release on Mike Carroll? Check out just a few things he will be doing in 2003:

Throwing the opening pitch at a major league baseball game
- Starting a cosmetic company
- Getting a signature cell phone
- Selling out
- Painting a mural of a nude Romanian on Koston's dining room wall
- Changing his name to Malakai
- Driving the pace car at the Indianapolis 500
- Posing with the Clipper girls
- Changing his voice mail greeting twice a day
- Healing
- Releasing a record with his new band
- And pursuing a career as a butcher, a baker and a candle stick maker

....and that's just the tip of the iceberg of what Mike Carroll is getting done in 2003.

How hot is it that there are actual "Wilkins Haters"? What did he do, shake your hand too hard?

Harsh Hair Update: Bob K shaved the facial hair and now looks like a guy that would run a personal ad that says: I like warm tea and poetry.

We found out today from Spike that "OUT" is the new "IN". He also gave us his movie pick of the week: ADAPTATION. Don't you hate when people are self promoting, egomaniacal mother fuckers.....wait, he's biting our style.

Mood Ring:
Jenkins=grouchy
Ty=totally cool, as he is on any given time on any given day day

Hime told me a bunch of stuff today that I am not allowed to put on The Tap so I won't. Unless I get bombarded with e-mails wondering what it is and then I have to be a journalist first and Hime's bro second. If Hime doesn't understand, that means he doesn't have the journalistic integrity that we have.

Isn't it hilarious when Bob K calls McCrank "Rock McCrank" when he's holding a guitar? We're on fire over here. We don't need no water let the.....ooops I already said "MFer" once. That's our curse word maximum.

Speaking of Rick McCrank, he and MJ got the news today that they will not perform at the half time of The Super Bowl. Back to planning that rager at Rick's.
And for the fifth time, Meza, YES, we will have Jello shots at the Super Bowl party.

The Gav has rabies. I don't think they're contagious.

Our new motto: When life gives you lemons, make lemon drops. No, that's the old motto. The new motto is.....I don't think we have a new motto. That sucks. I thought we had so many ideas we can't sleep at night?

Sometimes I get e-mails that say, "Hey, you're not a skateboarding website". So what's your point?

 

ENTRY #98
JANUARY 6th, 2003

The Keepers of The Rings are back. Much to our dismay, Bird in the season seats is a bit of a good luck charm. I guess there's no chance of him getting fan of the game. Unless they trade Ty for Yao. So The Lakers surge forward with the best record...wait I mean worst record in the league. Awesome.

Been to 7/11 lately? So much good stuff there. Those coffee/slurpee type things....Yummy.

Looks like Marc Johnson is going to be hosting a Super Bowl party at Rick's place. The only definite detail so far is lime Jello shots. It's pretty rad being a jock.
For some strange reason, Meza keeps asking, "Jello shots for sure, right". I'm telling you he's about to start partying like it's 1999. Keep your eye on him.

The Gav, although we have cancelled our friendship with him*, is back from The Phish tour. I don't think any hitch hiking went down but we'll keep you posted.
(*Even though we cancelled our friendship with The Gav, he's still on Team Crail Flow Team).

Not to be out done by Jenkins and his desert bash, Mueller and his better half, Sprout are hosting a shin dig in the desert. Time to celebrate the wedded bliss of those two love birds. No word on whether they were able to hire DJ SHHHHH!

If you think Megan sucks at Motocross, you should see her snowboard. She can roller skate any of you under the table, though.

Crail Tap, we roll thick.

Um, since Bob K and I didn't come face to face until moments ago, I thought there was no need for a HARSH HAIR UPDATE. But how wrong I was. Bob is running a "hide your children from that freak with the handle bar mustache" look. It's somewhere between sickening and grotesque. Other then that, no one else has any hair changes.

 

 

ENTRY #97
JANUARY 3rd, 2003

Yao Ming is beating Shaq in the NBA poll for the league MVP. Cool, call me later.

Ever have so many ideas, you just can't sleep at night? Same with us.

Um, what about the new electric cars everyone's getting? Don't be called a "band wagoner", buy one now while their still weird. Spike's had his for so long. Way longer then Ed Begley Jr. As soon as they make one with an emblem on the grill the size of a dinner platter, Carroll is so on that.

Bird just got back from Florida. Did you know that he sailed to Cuba and back on a boat he made out of Lakai shoe boxes just to show how extreme he is? I guess at the OCX holiday party, Jenkins put some challenges out there to the OCX employees.
Jenkins was so impressed, he bought Bird a PT Cruiser (similar to the one that Megan won) with a personalized license plate that reads:FREBRD (Free Bird).

Start an all girl band, seriously.

Harsh Hair Update: Bob K washed his hair and then blew it dry by rolling the windows down in his car and Nick shaved off the molasses afro. Other then that, everyone's hair is still pretty fresh looking.

Sorry about the misinformation yesterday, The Tap does not send Fed Ex and faxes. We do pay taxes, though. We also have these super cool meditation meetings where we put on all black and close our eyes. See, that's why this site is so sick. It's those meetings. We feel like mimes in the meeting so we're forced to use our minds more. The average Tap employee uses 2% more of his brain. That should explain a lot......

Marc Johnson opening a winery? Oh, he smells like a winery. Better then smelling like a couch cushion that someone has been farting on or like the inside of an outhouse.
At Crail, our glass is always half full.

We got an anonymous e-mail from someone saying that they "could care less about Rick and Mike". We'll call that secret e-mailer Prick Boy. Prick Boy, the correct saying is you COULD NOT care less. If you COULD care less then it takes away from the powerful impact of your very important email.
Darn, your big chance to just ruin us and you blow it.
Well, one of our mottos here at The Tap is "If at first you fuck things up, give it another go". So send a new e-mail. Thanks Prick Boy and good luck.

We forgot to tell you that Aaron Meza was on the party bus on New Years just staring at all the beer. He's about to break, I see it on the horizon.

It's the count down to the release of YEAH RIGHT......right Ty?

 

ENTRY #96
JANUARY 2nd, 2003

Happy New Year!

The party bus went off without a hitch. Well, almost. The bus company is holding Rick's IPOD hostage until he pays for the damaged party trays. Some of us suggested he buy a new one but I guess all that rare Kylie Minogue he downloaded from McCrank is priceless. Mikey co-captained the bus wearing a woman's green straw hat with fake flowers on it. He's 100% man.
Larson brought an exchange student on board with him that Rick farted on and the guy was so stoked he told Rick he would never forget it. Pretty cool.
Ty ended up having fun, Megan did not kick Tremaine and Rick was not in possesion of any fireworks. Bob K barfed right before Bobby Echo showed up and Jenkins stayed home with SAD (Social Apprehension Disorder).

Marc Johnson is living the good life. He got to stay home and then play video games for 18 hours straight in his sweats. Looks like he won the lottery.
I guess he got a lift kit for the Ford Focus for Christmas. He's the luckiest boy alive.

Spike is having his New Years party tonight. He's so ahead of the times.

Today's Honorary Crail Canadian is the guy at the bar on New Year's Eve that spit all over me and said, "Hey, I'm from Winnipeg". Don't know where he was born, what he does or why he was in LA. I do know from his scent that Old Spice is probably pretty cheap in Canada and he may have mistaken it for deodorant.

Harsh Hair Update: Koston now looks like Mac Davis without the facial hair (and girls still like him), Ty and Rick both "trimmed up" the back and sides, McCrank got corn rows (he's keepin' it on the real) and Larson is rockin the "anyone looking for a singer in their SD band" look.

Did you see that guy that won $300 million in the lottery? He took one lump sum so he got $119 million. I think he was smart to take the lump sum. He looks like he eats velveeta at every meal so his life span is probably a little on the sketchy side.
He tried to give about 300K to the Catholic church but they turned it down because the money was gotten through gambling and the Catholic church thought it was immoral money. I'm not sure why I'm telling you this? I might as well tell you about the light I just replaced on my car. I'm just babbling but you're still reading. Weird. Yeah, so a light came on on the dash so I knew the light was out so I went to the auto part store and got a bulb. Am I boring you? Cool. So then I got a car wash. I'll tell you the rest later.

At The Tap, we pay taxes, we send Fed Ex and Faxes.

 

ENTRY #95
DECEMBER 31st, 2002

It's almost time! Put on your party hats and break out the noice makers, it's another year of fun and Crail.

The Lakers have the night off so I guess that means Big Game Bob will be suiting up in the "Drop Deads" and hitting the party circuit.

The Gav and Hime are gearing up for the Phish show on the east coast. I'm not sure the exact location. The only part in Tim's plan that I heard when he told of the story of the fun filled trip he and Hime were taking to the east was.."and then we're going to hitch hike to Virginia".
Maybe Tim was not taught the different seasons on the east coast when he was growing up in Phoenix. I guess there is one thing he will be taught: Frost bite is no walk in the park.
Hopefully he brought his DVS Ozzy slippers.

Well, it looks like Marc Johnson maybe getting his own column on The Tap. Seems like a good idea as long as he sticks to the honest and balanced reporting that The Tap is known for. Speaking of Marc, anyone seen his new car? So sick, I didn't even know you could put a whale tail on a Ford Focus. And I love the idea of bringing back that little thing where you put your name on the drivers side of the back window and your friends on the passenger side. Marc's fresh.

I wonder if Leon has ever seen a bus pull up to one of his parties? Hmmm...

Happy New Year!

 

ENTRY #94
DECEMBER 31st, 2002

Well, it looks like all Shaq needed was a little ball and chain to light a fire under the Lakers. Shaq tied the knot on December 26th and The Keepers of The Rings have been on an insane two game winning streak. I did see the game on Christmas for all the haters that left me messages. It must feel neat to be a Sacto fan with Pollard on the sidelines looking like some sort of Elvis Costello stunt double. And your Peja is not blowing up.

Not to be tossed to the side of "Ask Mikey" but we have a new feature from the one and only Rick Howard. I know a lot of people that come to Crail end up saying to themselves "Why not more Rick and Mike?". So here you go. It's called
How Rick Ticks
and it is just a little compilation for those of you that don't get to be part of the Howard splendor of knowlege. Take a look:

"Airplane food for some reason will make most people have to shit". - Rick on airplane food

"I really like Scooby Doo". - Rick on growing up in Canada

"The things mother is also it's sister? They're going to fucking kill all of us". - Rick on the announcement that a baby girl had been cloned.

"Americans are such barrells of shit. Now they're ruining Canada". - Rick on the growth of US fast food restaurants into Canada.

The Malakai69 Ringing in the 03 party bus sets sail tomorrow at 7PM sharp. Jenkins tried to get magnetic OCX flames for the side of the bus but couldn't get them made in time. The young Emmet is going to be hanging out with his grandmother while Andy and Kelly do Jaeger shots. Aaron Meza will be on board so I hope The Jenkins bring enough booze, you know how Meza is when he starts partying.
Rick has promised no bottle rockets, Ty has promised to not have too much fun, The Frisconians have promised no fist fighting and Megan is going to do her best to not kick Tremaine below the belt or above the neck.
Sounds boring.

New Crail t-shirts out soon. Do not be fooled by bootleg Crail t-shirts that Marc Johnson is trying to sell with a photo shopped picture of someone smoking.
We have McCrank as a charactor witness to state that the only people at the Girl Christmas party that were smoking were Marc, Bob K, Larson, Gavin, Hime and Ako.

I think it is safe to say it was a record all time low for strangulations for Team Crail. Other then The Gav trying to strangle Mikey in a club and Ty choking out the young Jeremy Rogers, everyone else managed to keep it cool.
Quite a zen little group, wouldn't you say?

We're still Crail on the block, no matter where we go, we know where we came from.

 

ENTRY #93
DECEMBER 22nd, 2002

Make sure you TIVO today's Laker game or else you won't be able to send me those e-mails saying they look like your little brothers team or you older sisters team or your grandma's team. Thanks for that.

The Gav will soon be following his family around the houe with 409 and paper towels. Yep, Ma and Pa Facial are coming in for the holidays.

The "Malakai-69 Ringing in the 03" party bus will NOT have a karaoke machine, looks like you'll have to wait for next year at Pismo to see Mueller's better half and Bobby Echo do "Sweet Child of Mine". Should we worry that the bus company said, "That bus has to be in perfect condition at the Rose parade at 8AM"? Nah. I hope Lee doesn't being LeLee on the bus. That guy is going to be spilling wine coolers everywhere and talking about crepes, as usual. The only bus rule so far: NO SNOW PLOWS.

McCrank has gone back to the great white north after leaving Howard with a gnarly case of ants. I guess it could be worse, Howard could have had Larson over and ended up with a case of butt lice.

Rudy has gone to Mexico with the family to celebrate the holidays and Chico has gone to Nicaragua. See you soon, fellas.

Crail, The video? That's right, suckers.

30 more days until we've exceeded our Frisconian capacity in the building...

 

ENTRY #92
December 21th, 2002

Did you see that Laker game go into over time? Maybe Rick Fox should make only 43 Ford commercials instead of 109 and that way when Big Game Bob passes him the ball in over time, he is ready to catch it. Oh well. They have three rings, what's the big deal?
I'll tell you what the big deal is. Shaq is playing defense like a new born elephant and the bench might as well be on vacation, they'd be just as valuable. Go Lakers.
And speaking of The Lakers, Bret tried to give us "Diarrhea Cookies" but we're too smart for him....

The "Malakai-69 Ringing in the 03" bus is scheduled for 7PM 12/31/02. On board so far: More then 50 people and the bus holds: Only 50 people. Looks like we're drawing straws for seats. I say Mueller has a gauranteed seat because he whipped Smyth's ass at the end of the year Ping Pong game. (It's OK Smyth, you'll come back in the 03 and show that little newlywed what time it is). The Hime and The Gav need not save seats as they will be in the midst of the great contact high, The Phish concert.

Ty almost strangled Jereme but it all turned out for the best. Jereme managed to get himself a bee-bee gun and after irritating everyone all night, he took one last shot at Atiba, missed and hit Ty's truck. Big mistake there, Bud. Ty's not good at "patience" and decided to keep the young Jereme out of a life of crime by shaking him by the neck until he almost cried and passed out.
What did we all learn? Ty is dangerous and Jereme better watch his back.

Help us get Kenny Anderson and his lovely bride back to Torrance. Send in your reasons why he should come back and win a Chocolate prize pack. Torrance is a well rounded community, we all know that. Send your entries to "Don't be Skeered, Kenny" c/o The Tap.

YEAH RIGHT update... Coming so soon!

Harsh Hair Update: Don't hate on Kostons hair just because you can't get your own hair to flip up on the sides and feather, it's a gift that he was born with. McCrank is sporting the "creepy friendly" feather, Howard is sporting the "flowing" feather and Chick is sporting the layered feather. You know what they say, Birds of a feather......

 

ENTRY #91
December 20th, 2002

Today is all about balance. And The Ricks (as in McCrank and Howard).

The Lakers really suck for losing to the Nets by over 10 points but good game, Nets. A skeptic might think it was curtains for the Lakers but not us at The Tap. McCrank told us tonight that basketball is more important then family so we'll be court side to cheer on the Lakers when they lose to Sacto on Christmas day. Happy Holidays, Rick Fox, you loser.

The Gav almost panicked when he couldn't get Jack Osbornes's date into the Podium Holiday party. He pulled some strings and the world still turns as it used to.
Howard (as he is now known on The Tap) refused to drink which almost led to the calling of a Lakai shareholders meeting to get to the bottom of it. McCrank did Mr Pibb shooters and met all his bosses at Podium. He's pretty stoked now. All in all, a big thumbs up for the Podium, or "everyone who ever met THE GAV" party.

McCrank, not skeered of a Cadillac.

Both Carroll Brothers at a Podium Party? Is a merger on the horizon? Did they head butt each other to seal the deal? Stay tuned.

Congratulations to Spike for 6 Golden Globe nominations for his new movie ADAPTATION. He managed to get another "Best Director" nomination and make a wonderful movie in the process. Love and kisses to you, Spiegel!
See, Mikey falling asleep at your premier isn't an indication of how the public will recieve you!

Ty Evans: 24 Hours: 4 Bud Lights, Foot Long Tuna with Jalapeno Chips and a Pepsi.............dinner on the horizon.....Ty basically slacking so we'll give you the McCrank dinner: Vegetarian plate at Josephs ("this is just a bunch of sauces, can we get some real nutrients") followed by a veggie burger, french fries and sweet potato fries at Rocky Cola Cafe ("Howard, try the sweet potato fries, it's not McDonalds but you might like them"). Ty will be back and he'll make McCrank look like a little girl.

Happy Holidays to all! And as OCX likes to say it: Chaka Bra!

 

ENTRY #90
December 19th, 2002

Lakers, 10 and 16, you guys are right on track to be on vacation in early September. Can Shaq cut the Whoppers from the diet and see if that helps the defense? Just checking.

Swelling on the back of your brain? no problem, you're still totally smart.

Sorry about the "weiner list" about The Gav. Some people were upset with that. Sorry, I won't ever talk about Gav's weiner again. Not even to say...never mind.

All this time we thought Rick and Mike were so gay for their IPOD content, turns out McCrank offered up some of the lamest stuff both of them have on their IPODS. Pink and Kylie Minogue both courtesy of Crankers. And all this time we thought McCrank was keeping it real? He's just keeping it pop.

Ty will whip Marc Johnson's ass if he ass to. Just putting it out there.

What about Lori D? She's doing the insole for McCranks newest shoe from ES? She's awesome. Might tip over face first in the sand and interrupt Smtyh's story but she's still awesome. And speaking of Smyth, what's with the Snow Plows bro? Trying to kill us?

People going to Hip Hop aerobics with Megan next week: The Gav, Ferg and LarDog. Looks like we have a dance team developing.

What about the exclusive Ako/Atiba t-shirts available soon on The Tap? Place your pre-books now, it's limited edition. Yeah RIght.

Sorry, but I'm tired don't feel good and can't think of anything you might want to know....unless you want to know about Rick barfing 22 times in 36 hours....I'm just out of info.

Love you, send gifts.

 

ENTRY #89
December 17th, 2002

The Lakers, sure.

Hey, Aaron Meza can be rented out for local parties and events. It's pretty cool, he sort of talks really low and he doesn't drink. The guy is a barrel of fun. No wonder Big Brother hired him.

Rick has the flu. And he ruined ASR. He is a dick.

Short list of people that have seen Tim's weiner in the last six months that did not want to:
1. Lucy
2. Meg
3. Jeron
4. Door man at a club

Harsh Hair Update: Nick's hair looks like he sprayed maple syrup on an egg beater and then whipped up the top of his hair. The sides look like he shaved them with a rusty razor. He looks super hot....if you're super desperate.
Koston would have been the hottest guy at the Girl Holiday Party but it was raining and so he got the frizzies.
Hime shaved his head and if you thought he looked like a military camp refugee before, wait until you see the new Hime.
Chick looks like RIngo and Leon looks like the guy on the Drakkar ad circa 1983.

Turns out Bird only has two friends. That's one more then Mikey.

Bobby Echo sucks. If Bob K thinks that Tim slaps people for no reason, he should try hanging out with Bobby Echo for an evening. Rick hates Arvedis (who I guess died) and Bobby Echo. But not in that order.

Marc Johnson was smoking so many cigarettes last night that the rest of us had to smoke just so we had a filter on the smoke we were inhaling. If he tries to tell you otherwise, just remember you heard the truth on The Tap. Our motto is "Only the Facts, Ya Fuck".

Ty hasn't told me in the past three days what he ate so here's my guess" Velveeta cheese, cheddar cheese, mozzerella cheese and sliced cheese.

 

ENTRY #88
December 15th, 2002

Good thing it was The Hornets, I mean that's why The Lakers lost. Don' The Hornets have like 12 rings each? Look, when I start getting sympathetic calls from Bird, it means the Lakers are beyond pathetic. Bird is hardly familiar with the emotion of sympathy. He's a damn Texan.

Pass it to Horry, or Big Game Bob as we like to call him, he'll turn it over for sure. The Givers of the Rings.

Some Team Crail Fun Facts:
People on Team Crail that where Gucci shades:
1. The Gav
2. Megan

People on Team Crail that drive Benzo's:
1. Meza

People on Team Crail that have weird exhasut systems on their car that make a weird bass like hum:
1. The Gav

Well, the voting all came in and it turns out both Rick AND Mike are dicks. Stay tuned for the limited edition reversible t-shirt to honor both of them.

Todays Honorary Crail Candian is Rick McCrank. Rick is a professional skateboarder for the Girl Skateboard Company and owns a cat that got it's ass kicked by another cat in the neighborhood. Rick has a skate shop/art gallery in Vancouver and still finds time to teach the young Emmet Jenkins how to ask his father for a Cadilac. A model citizen, Rick likes veggie dogs, wild parties and walks on the beach. Rick does not like movies about war, teriyaki chicken and running shorts that are not 100% lycra.

Harsh Hair Update: Spike looks like Glen Campbell circa 1979, Bird looks like Glen Frye circa 1975 and Nick looks like Soupy Sales circa 1979.

Mike York got one of those bionic knees that Rick and Chico got. Chico was going to get another one but we talked him out of it. When asked how he felt, York responded, "bionic". Makes sense. Chico is on a low carb/high starch (or maybe the reverse of that) diet. He looks like Ricky Martin with his shirt off. Wait, that didn't work. Let's just say he's buff.

 

ENTRY #87
December 13th, 2002

Nice record, Lakers.

Still hunting for Bird's Christmas present? Check ebay, they have the sickest Yao Ming shot glass. I think Bird had that on his wish list.

Today's Honorary Crail Canadian is Tantoo Cardinal. Who? Tantoo Cardinal. She, apparently, is a famous Canadian actress. She was born in Alberta in 1950 and is "metis" which is a Cree term for "mixed blood". She is part Cree and part Chippewa Indian. Some of her work includes the world famous TV mini series "Big Bear" from 1998, Mustard Batch from 1993 and of course the blockbuster, "A Wilderness Station" in 2002. Welcome to Crail, Tantoo. Love your work.

I wonder if Larson is considered "metis", he's a little bit country and a little bit rock and roll. For those of you who have been looking for an update on Tony's lice/rat crap/butt flies. He still has all of them. And now so do Jeremy and Rob. It's now just known as THE SHITTY OFFICE.

Jeremy C frenched a dog.

Mikey told us that if ever you are looking for an "escort", to say a party or something, you know the ones you can order out of the yellow pages? You can request that she is Romanian. That way when you are at the function that you hired the "escort" for, you can talk about each others heritage. Pretty cool to know.

In skate news, "TY'S NACHO TO THE NORTH TOUR" or whatever he called it, they're already turning around. The rain scared them. A bunch of little babies, afraid of a little rain. Not Ty of course, but the rest of them are babies.

 

ENTRY #86
December 12, 2002

The Lakers had the night off so it was nice to not have to have a sore throat from screaming "Can someone please deport the guy that looks like Ty?".

Ty took the team to Sacramento for what is currently being called "TY'S NACHO CHEESE TO THE NORTH TOUR". I guess they are going to see how long they can survive on cheese out of the dispenser at 7/11. God be with all of you, even Mikey.

We have a new feature on RING RING RING and it is called
"WHAT CAN WE LEARN FROM THE GAV?"

Todays lesson is called
CAUTION WITH THE NUDITY:

Tim went out for a night of socializing and lemon drops. He and Tony were having a great time as well as Tim's "date". When the three of them returned to Tim's totally sterile home, Tim was a little tipsy from the Lemon Drops and when he went to use the restroom some of his pee pee got on the floor in the master bathroom. Not wanting to get any pee pee on his nice bath towels but suffering from severe OCD with the cleanliness, The Gav used the only item he was wearing to clean the pee pee up.
Uh Oh. This means a nude Tim returned to the room where his "date" was sitting. Alarmed at what she saw, she screamed, got in her car and left. So what can we learn? Two things.
First, use toilet paper for pee pee and always keep a little rubbing alcohol under the sink. A little rubbing alcohol on a tissue is an amazing little clean up device. Second, and most important, don't go to the Gav's house when he's on Lemon Drops.

The Cheeks, or Rolly as you call him, got some new ink. We'll post photos soon as we are working on a new column that we are thinking about calling CRAIL INK. I guess that will feature Jenkins new back tat that reads: THE EXPLOSION NEVER FORGETS. Sort of wordy but it looks hot.

Bird told the higher ups at Podium he wanted to sit in on the Podium sales meeting in Utah but he really went to Osaka to help Jenkins who is hosting the ALL NIGHT PILLOW FIGHT. Looks like Bird put together one of the sickest teams known to pillow fighting and will tour with them later this year.

How do you catch a polar bear? Put some green peas around his fishing hole in the ice. When he goes to take a pea, kick him in the ice hole. Believe it or not, none of the Crail staff has comedy training.

Harsh Hair Update: Nick has a Welcome Back Kotter Fro with a widows peak. I think I'll save the rest of the updates for tomorrow. Digest that one for now.

 

ENTRY #85
December 11, 2002

Fan of the Game returning to Staples on Friday night, keep your eyes on the jumbotron!

Bob K has managed to get himself un-stuck from Canada. Just in time for the Girl Christmas party followed by the Crail Christmas party followed by the Podium Holiday Bash followed by the OCX/Kelley Jenkins birthday bash and then of course a big break for the holidays. As usual Bob, thanks Bro.

Todays Honorary Crail Romanian, that's right, ROMANIAN, is Dinu Lapatti. (We have to disregard Canadians until Bob K gets his shit back together). Dinu was a famous pianist born in 1917 to a pianist mom and a violinist dad. He was so talented that he began performing concerts at the age of 4. He went on to be a music professor at the conservatory in Geneva. He played his last concert at the young age of 33 as he was growing ill from leukemia. He passed away just a few months after his final concert. We welcome the spirit of Dinu Lapatti to The Tap. If we ever did the Crail Honorary Lincolnian, it would be Kevin Wilkins but we won't so hopefully you work in a Birkenstock store and that way you're sure to meet him.

The Gav has been in the South Bay listening to David Lee Roth so guess where he's going in January? That's right, folks, PANAMA! And then to Costa Rica where he plans to meet the girl of his dreams and bring her back to his castle. Hopefully she likes fig newtons, cleanser and Phish as those are currently the driving forces in Tim's life.

So, like we got the new Miss Elliott and it's like so cool....... Big deal if Rick has Pink on his IPOD, now that makes him gay? What about the fact that Mikey has Kylie Minogue on his IPOD? OK, cool, they're both gay.

What did the two oceans do when they saw each other? Nothing they just waved.
Pretty funny shit, right?

 

ENTRY #84
December 09, 2002

"Your team is a bunch of goofs, looks like Podium ball out there". That was the message Bird left for us when the Lakers were getting their asses handed to them on a platter by the Mavericks. But Phil took Ty out of the game and put Horry in and all the sudden a rainbow appeared in the Staples Center.
It was the greatest come back in Laker history! They were down by 30 points to start the 4th quarter and then when they took a time out, I think Phil Jackson said to them, "Do you guys want to lose to a team who has a Canadian and a Euro with matching REO Speedwagon hair cuts?". And then they went to work.
Now the Lakers are back on track. They beat The Utah Jazz last night and Osterfat got thrown out of the game. He should be thrown out of the league but whatever.

Adaptation opened in limited theaters this weekend and was selling out all night and day. It opens next week in more cities so go see it! It's awesome.

Harsh Hair Update: Remember the guy from the original Dirty Harry movie that was the creepy murderer? Rick could be his stunt double.
You know the dark haired guy in Siegfried and Roy? Koston could be his stunt double.
You know the girl drummer for Lenny Kravitz? Atiba could be her stunt double and finally, you know the dark haired paramedic from emergency? Mike Carroll has that role covered.

My good pen is missing from my office which can only mean one thing: Le Lee has been here. I can't wait until immigration finds that guy and ships him back to the LaCoste factory he escaped from.

Jenkins leaves tomorrow for the Tokyo OCX Sake party. He's leaving little Jenkins with us which means Rick will teach the little guy more gang signs and Megan will coach him through an entire bag of Starburst. I wonder if Gav can get him in AD on Saturday? Hmmm




ENTRY #83
December 06, 2002

Wow, Stockton looked really stylish next to The Lakers. Way to show Utah that you still have it in you, LA. Is Ty kidding me with those shots? They should put The Gav in the game for that matter. He sucks but he's better then Ty. I've never seen him play, Rick is the one that told me he sucks. But Rick also told me Jeff Tremaine has not game.

Harsh Hair Update: It turns out Mikey has been taking pictures of Kenny Loggins to his hair dresser, Bird's been taking pictures of Stephen Stills to his hair dresser, Rick has been taking photos of the guy from the Mavericks to the hair dresser, and Larson has been taking pictures of some mime to his hair dresser so he can mimic the facial hair.

Bob K is still "stuck" in Canada. Weird, I hope he doesn't get "stuck" in Paris when he goes there.

Ty doesn't have mood swings, just driving the point home.

Here's the update on Larsons shit germs: He was making copies at the upstairs copy machine and when he was done, there was a big pile of dead flies on the shelf near the copier. Dude, disinfect. You need like a pine sol enema or something. Gross.

Jenkins is going to Japan on the 9th to sponsor the Tokyo Sake Wet T-shirt contest. Andy's so tomorrow! He's actually next week.

See you all on Monday at the Josh "Girl has better birthday parties then Podium" Caffrey birthday bash. Cupcakes and Kool Aid!




ENTRY #82
DECEMBER 05, 2002

Looks like the only parade we're going to this year is the Main Street Electrical Parade at Disneyland. Does Mark Madsen need to throw up two air balls in one game? Can't he break that up into two games? That's what I would do. At least he's not throwing up a chaka to his wife in the bleachers every time he takes a step like that little bitch Doug Christy. I'm not exactly sure how Doug Christy works into this, I just like to point out things that are worse about the Kings when the Lakers are doing so poorly. Not that I would ever marry Doug Christy, but if I was his wife and he threw a little signal to me every time he made a shot, I would divorce him. He's a professional athlete, there will be plenty of time to let the little lady know you love her but let's play basketball. Gosh, The Kings suck.

What about the time I tried to pay the cab driver with my Blockbuster Card? At least I took a cab. And if you think about it, a ten dollar cab ride verses stealing a drunk persons video rental card and then renting a bunch of videos and keeping them. If that guy was a little more business savvy, he would have taken my card. Just goes to show, I'm smarter then most cab drivers.

Ty Evans, no mood swings. And if you try and say he does, you're dust.

"What happened to The Gav?" Well, me and The Gav had a little falling out. And then that night we realized we had about 4 friends each so if we cross each other out, we're really thinning out the friend roster. So we're totally cool now. Sometimes Tim will tell you that he'll get you some Metal Mulitia stuff and then totally flake but what about all the good things about Tim? Ever seen him dance? It looks like a panda bear doing the cabbage patch. Case closed.

Harsh Hair Update: Brenes going long and natural, Eric Anthony shaved his head, Bob K shaved his beard (but who cares, he's gone), Mikey shaved his chest and Larson shaved all his body hair because he found traces of rat lice in his jeans. (Started as the hair update, took a turn for the worse...wait....I think that is a lyric from the song "Double Vision"....right?)

We have failed to mention Rick McCrank in the past few hair updates (He's rocking the "Shy Foreign Exchange Student who might snap at any moment" look) so we're going to throw in a quick little Honorary Crail Canadian. And that lucky Canadian is Donald Sutherland! What? That's what I said but the guys a Cannuck. He was born in 1935 and I'm not sure but I'll just guess Ontario since every other Canadian is born there. I think it is safe to say 1967 was his best career year with BILLION DOLLAR BRAIN and THE DIRTY DOZEN. In 2003 he has two movies coming out: THE ITALIAN JOB and THE DEVILS THROAT, both of which sound like the sort of movie Mikey orders late at night under a fake name...like Malakai69. Welcome to Crail, Donald. Oh and what the hell, welcome to Keifer too.

Nick Tershay is not getting a dog.




ENTRY # 81
DECEMBER 04, 2002

Lakers won tonight. I'll talk more about that at another date, I'm just not used to the feeling of victory anymore so I need to adjust.

We had promised, in a sort of outdated update of Crail, about the Ty Evans feature. It is on hold for right now but we'll give you these two quotes to keep you on your toes.
1. "I don't leave a party until I'm yoked out or choked out".
2. "Come on Meg, go mad dog her".

LeLee showed up at the after party for the premier of Spike Jonzes' new movie Adaptation. (This movie opens December 6th in theaters all over so check it out. And don't sneak in, Spike's trying to put a fountain in front of his house that is made of Jell-O and he needs the box office coin). So, LeLee kept it real. We needed Smyth to keep LeLee in line but he had homework with the Real World on and all. LeLee went Chardonnay, just like a frenchy would. He didn't have the hip pack on but he looked hot. Steve Berra got to hear Ty's story about "O-Girl" or "Girl-Town"
and he looked impressed. On a side note, I wonder if Spike's feelings would be hurt if he found out that Mikey fell asleep at the premier. Let's just hope he skips this day of checking Crail and the two of them can remain friends.

Since Crail is the friend we all need at all times, we came up with a few more suggestions for bored company owners to keep them off the phone discussing Girl with each other:
• Tai Bo
• Detail your car
• Create your own message board
• Make a zine with an old friend
• Make up names for Rick and Mike that make fun of them (Like "Prick" and "Baby Boy")
• Blame things on Spike, he's so hot right now
• Go through old issues of Skate Business and see how you rank in their scientific surveys
• Sell your company
• Get tribal tattoos on your lower back and claim to have had them since the early 90's

Biebel on an upcoming episode of Crail Cribs. Oops. O-Town security yanked that tape.

We're in the process of getting our outfits together for the premier of Yeah Right. So trendy right now. The only definite fashion commitment at this time is Koston in a sweater vest.

Looks like the Girl Talent Show is going through... we'll keep you posted but get working on those talents. The only definite entry so far is Megan, Abeyta and Larson doing a choreographed number. Abeyta can cut the rug!

Harsh Hair Update: Ty's better half, Little Steph has the hottest black bob, Mikey is so 98 degrees, LeLee was looking primped and handsome, Trea




ENTRY # 80
DECEMBER 02, 2002

Wow, nothing like watching The Lakers play like it's pre-season. Ty, please, get the hell off the court. You suck! And speaking of sucking, can Phil Jackson take Rick Fox aside and explain "defense" to him? Thanks. And thanks in advance for all that "How's your team looking?" e-mail crap. Here's a standard answer so I don't have to contact each of you: WE SUCK RIGHT NOW.

Check this out: Mikey, not hurt. Totally healthy. And hot. And single. And looking for love.

Today's Honorary Crail Canadian is: Bobby Echo! Yep, our very own intern made it to the big leagues. Some of Bobby Echo's lifetime highlights include calling some of our cell phones over 40 times in a night, growing a Kurt Cobain beard and of course the memory we hold closest to our heart, Megan and Andy saving Bobby Echo from drowning. (Just to note, later in that same night that we saved Booby Echo from the Pacific Ocean, Jenkins wondered if we had done the right thing). Welcome to the states, Bobby.

Kids, go skate. Company owners, call each other! Call your distributors, shake those feelings of shame and blubber by talking about other companies. Talk about us, tell each other your feelings. Make stuff up if you have to, you're good at it and we love it. Tell each other numbers, make them up if you have to. Call your team, tell them the lies you and various other owners told each other. Just be happy and feel good because you look so good. Try not to forget your age and place in the world. Good luck.

Harsh Hair Update: Have you seen the picture of Donny Osmond from the Christmas album in the 70's? I guess that is the picture that Eric took to the "hair dresser" and they did an amazing job. We just call him "Eric Osmond" you call him what you want. Ty is still trying to shake those auburn highlights, Gino's gone back to the natural brown, Mikey is just plain hot, Smyth still highlighting, Nick still spraying on, Chico totally natural, Spike looks like Glen Frye or is it Glenn Fryy?, Rudy looks like Buttons circa 1991 and Chick looks like Ringo Starr.

Paul Rodriguez got rear ended on Sunday afternoon but the thing to note is the fact that Ty can solve most any situation with a safety pin, a skateboard and some WD40. Paul couldn't get his board out of his trunk so Ty did his usual McGaiver antics and got the trunk open. Ty's ancestors can be traced back to the fork. And the light bulb and all sorts of good stuff.

Last night I had a dream that I was Kelly Birds assistant and I would send out packages and sometimes yell at people. Man, my dreams are always so successful, they're like bottled ambition. (Bottled Ambition is the cologne that OCX is launching next month).

Tomorrow we introduce what The Tap will call "Ty Evans, no sleep, no waist line, no limits". Stay tuned.




ENTRY # 79
NOVEMBER 26, 2002

Well, the Lakers have the night off which seems sort of suspicious. All of a sudden Ty wants to go film at night. Look Ty, we can't get the FourPeat with you out on the floor. We all love you when it comes to any other pursuit but you can't play with the Lakers considering the way you eat.
Two sausage McMuffins, double the sausage does not spell Four Peat, it spells disaster.

There was a little mix up on Friday and Smyth and Diamond Nick thought that the Royal truck hangers were Asian Fighting Stars. It started over some CD's that were Sam's and Nick tried to get them and things just went bad from there. Trucks were thrown at each, Carroll had to tackle Nick and Lee just watched.
Funny thing to note about The Frisconians, they have each others back but that isn't to say that they won't also kick each other in the back. I guess if you're not from the "City by the Bay" you just don't get it.

Harsh Hair Update: When I get e-mails from Mikey that just say "Fuck You" with a link to a Tony Orlando site, I have to reconsider my assessment of his style. To be more accurate, it is somewhere between The Fonz and Joey Lawrence circa 1989. Sorry Mikey, you're way hotter then Tony Orlando. The only other hair situation to comment on is Ako will swear in a court of law that Koston had "product" in his hair last night at the Laker game. I don't want to take sides but I did think a nice name for his do might be Chocolate Mousse. Koston claimed he just needed a bath.

Someone contacted me to let me know that Romania has been a part of the UN since 1955 and that we were probably celebrating the NATO thing. No, we're actually celebrating the UN thing. If you look at the sweaters Fourstar released in the Fall of 1999, you'll see that we aren't exactly prompt.
The NATO celebration is way down the road. We'll keep you posted.

Marc Johnson never smoked. Ever. Ever. He is currently training for a triathlon and is said to be kick boxing Monday Wednesday and Friday night. He is benching 255 and has a body fat count of 3%. He's so hot right now.

OK, check out how sickening Larson is getting. The butt lice he has spread into his navel and now there is mold growing out of his navel. So thick that it makes his t-shirt puff out a little like the hair on Mikey's chest. AND, he has poop under his nails. His new name is just ScumBoy. Yuk.




ENTRY # 78
NOVEMBER 25, 2002

Well, it's official, WE'RE STAYING IN BUSINESS!! After much long hard thought, we decided, we have to do it. I mean, who will you all talk shit about if we bow out? So, as a favor to the haters we're staying!. Plus, where will Spike get his street cred? Duh!

Lakers are back on track. Shaq looks a little thick around the middle but I'm not going to complain. Horry needs to not ever do the "no look" pass again, as long as he lives. When he does it, it should be called the "no look pass to the opposing team". And for the love of god, will someone talk to Ty and tell him to stick to the video and stay off the court? He sucks.
The Lakers honored Chick, since it was his birthday, and all I (we) could do was cry. They retired a jersey for him with all the other jerseys and it was too much to take. Jerry West made a speech as well as Chick's wife Marge. It was all very sad.
The Bucks look pretty good and I really like George Carl but sorry bud, we won. And considering the amount of wins we have, Ako felt fine laughing at the twisted ankle of a certain Buck. Come on Ako, you're supposed to be the nice Jefferson brother!

Harsh hair update: Mulder has gone turquoise blue and Koston is somewhere between one of the guys from Oasis and a french porn star. Either way, he looks red hot. He might be able to get an endorsement with Legoland as he also looks exactly like the father in the basic lego set. He also looks like the creepy Indian in a book I saw in the 4th grade but I guess that's not a good reference point for the masses. Oh, and Bob K still looks like he could deliver some water or kidnap your child.

We will be reinstating the "Honorary Crail Canadian". Some how the "unemployment rate" in Canada became a topic of discussion. One thing led to another and Rick had someone in a head lock. So, starting tomorrow, we will bring back the "Honorary Crail Canadian". If you ask me, they're a bunch of babies that steal our holidays and fuck up the English language but I'll do what it takes to increase the peace.

OK, check this out. You all know that Tony Larson is totally infected with rat crap and lice eggs and all kinds of stuff that equals doom, right? Well, the other night he slept all wrapped tight in a wool blanket and I guess the warmth helped some new form of bacteria form in his butt and now he has to have his butt treated. Yuk, Tony, get some antibiotics, you gross out.

Friday night is the full Mike Carroll Party. Romania just got itself into the UN so it's party time for our favorite Romanian. Bring your favorite Romanian dish to the pot luck and it you weren't invited, stay home and talk shit on us, just like you normally would.

Just a quick shout out to the women who are pissed off about the whole golf deal at Augusta. Ladies, I'm all for equal rights for each human but equal rights does not mean that life is packed full of gaurantees. If a particular golf club wants to be "men only", big fucking deal. Find a place that isn't and be a part of that. And why would you want to be a part of something that you forced yourself on through boycotts and pouting?
Come on ladies, let's pick the battles a little more carefully.

Yao Ming, not so good for Bird's mood today.

Stay tuned for the Girl Carnival in January. Our own little trade show with out the vibes, sales people, Smyth/Carrol fist fights, Reef models, $9.00 beer, fake conversations and big shoe party with a rap act. But it will have bands, skating, BBQ and hold yourself together: Caramel Apples!

 

ENTRY # 77
NOVEMBER 24, 2002

Well, it looks like Sprout (Mueller's better half) is going to have the bridal shower some of us only dream of. We thought she was satisified with the Escalade Party with Bobby Echo, Meg and Lori D but it turns out Sprout friends talked her into something a little more formal. That's cool. The Escalade Spa is really for losers.

The Smoke Out? What? Sponsored by Lakai? or DVS? or Clae? What the hell?

Mikey just went grocery shopping, he's putting things away right now. We'll keep you posted.

For all you kids that look up to Marc J and started smoking after our recent announcement, keep in mind that if Girl goes out of business we drag Crail with us which means you started smoking on the terms of a total unreliable news source. That would suck. It would probably be like the time I sold my Duran Duran tickets because some asshole in Hermosa told me that Simon LeBon quit the band. Maybe a little different but sort of the same sad lonely feeling that makes you feel like you're making life decisions like a total goof.

OK, check this out, if Girl goes out of business, what the hell happens to Mueller? I mean, we can drag all the in house companies down with us but it will sort of be difficult to take Lakai out so what the hell? We needed better planning for this whole "going out of business thing". It takes a much more organized group then us to go out of business.

Bob K is going to France again over Christmas so I guess when he gets back, since Paris just makes you smoke, he'll be smoking two packs a day. It ought to be pretty cool when we get to go to Cancer training programs with him. It's not selfish to smoke, just go for it, you ignorant fuck.

It won't be long until the only bachelor we have left in the art department is the one and only Tony Larson. Jeremy is practically married with the purple "weird stuff" in his bathroom and Mueller is offically taking himself off the market with his marriage to Sprout this coming weekend. What will become of Lardog? We can only wonder. Interested ladies over 18, I mean 28, send your resumes to Bob K, he's Larson's official screener.

Check out the new Strength mag, Jenkins did the cover and it's awesome! Not "pillow fighting" awesome but it's not published in SD so it can't really compete.

Stay tuned, we heard we're going out of business and it sounds like a shit load of fun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

ENTRY # 76
NOVEMBER 22, 2002

Sam would like to know if any interested companies would let him put his vending machine in their warehouse in the event that Girl goes out of business. He said he will not put signs on it that say "Press D4 and enjoy". Let us know, while the phones are still on.

Bob K is getting deported. Not because skateboard companies are calling each other to tell each other that Girl is going out of business but the INS feels like his beard is a bad look for the US and want him to take it back to Canada. Bye, Bobby K, we'll miss you at the snow retreat.

LeLee is bumming everyone out. He's been going to peoples houses and breaking things. I guess someone found Mikey's wallet in his hip pack. He's the french thug for sure.

The Bachelor finale: genius! That's all that needs to be said. Other then the warm fuzzy feeling you get about humanity when you watch people meet in that fashion. Bird missed it because he was at the Clipper game with his buddies but check this out:
Kelly Bird is going to be the on The Bachelor! It's true. They asked him to not slap the girls with the roses when he gives them the rose and he said he would work on his attitude.
"I just hope they choose the girls for my season of the show directly from the skate industry. That way I know they'll be so off the chain".
Kelly, always shooting for the stars.
You know how they let each Bachelor bring two friends to the show to help pick a girl for the Bachelor? The producers vetoed Rick and Mike. Mike is obviously going to just try and get the girls to do weird stuff behind the scenes and Rick poses the problem of "provoking Kelly's bad attitude towards women".

Harsh Hair Update: Bob K is a mess, Mikey looks red hot with a sort of Tony Orlando puffiness, Smyth still has hints of the merlot, Rick is rocking the "Hey, I'm out of business" feathered look, and Bird's looks like that one guy from Rage Against The Machine. I'm not sure if that is what he was going for but he did it. Ferguson is sporting what Bob K simply calls "sweet".

The Girl Christmas party will be weird if we're out of business. Just call some other company owners after you get your invite to be sure it's still on. But then after they tell you Girl is going out of business, call Rick's cell to confirm. When his hilarious message comes on, you won't want to come to the party anyway.

 

ENTRY # 75
NOVEMBER 21, 2002

Sorry I haven't updated this column in a while. I've been working with local law enforcement to try and see who those guys are that kidnapped the Lakers and are playing their games in their uniforms. I think it's pretty lame of Ty to just go out there and keep turning the ball over when we have a video that needs to get done but whatever. He's on his own program.

I guess everyone is talking about how Girl is going out of business. That'll be awesome! We can turn the warehouse into a playground with ping pong tables and pool tables and skate parks with sodas and snacks....wait a minute.....dammit.

Sam got $2.00 taken off his Christmas bonus for selling company product on Ebay. And also for writing "Press D4 and enjoy" but that is another story for another day.

Hey, if Girl goes out of business, does Spike get his sweatshirts for his movies without Girl Labels in them? I mean, we have them in stock so he might as well use them up, right?

Oh, one more thing, if Girl goes out of business, can I get some calls from people that will let Josh Caffrey come to your company and have ice cream for peoples birthdays?

More importantly, Do Rick and Bob K get deported? Lame. Better buy a new bunny hug for those long winters. Buy a Girl one to help us not go out of business. No, that will be lame if you have to be in Canada wearing the logo of your company that went out of business.

We never should have made those Koston Mini decks and called them "Mini Cocks". That was poor tasteless humor that we're now being punished for. And a higher power is making Girl go out of business.

Stay tuned for tomorrow when we're still in business. Sucks for all the haters.

 

ENTRY # 74
NOVEMBER 19, 2002

Don't film the guy from O-Town or tell him you think a good project might be to work together on something called "Girl Town". Ok, Rick and Ty?

 

ENTRY # 73
NOVEMBER 18, 2002

Negative? Crail Tap? Yeah Right. We let Bird sit in the Keepers of the Rings Season Seats that we o just because he's a Houston fan. How much more positive can we get? The first half was awesome, Bird all pissed because Francis was making a fool out of Texas. And then The Keepers of the Rings stepped in and, in a very positive way, lost.
Kobe had like 40,000 points but Houston has Yao Ming. He's huge and needs to go to one of those airbrush tanning places.
Bird is the first person to truly appreciate the facial expressions of the Laker Girls. He feels positive that their lame, but he's optimistic that they'll get lamer.

Maybe I'll change the name of this column to Half Full....hmmmm.

Tonight we're going to party like it's 1999?

One quick hair update. Nick looks like Bozo the clown, he just needs the red nose and the big clown shoes. Other than that, everyone's hair is the same as last update. Pretty positive hair outlook.

Remember that infection Tony had (has) from the rat crap shooter he did in his eye? Get this, he thought he was better and he rubbed his eye and then shook Rob and Jeremy's hands in celebration....RAT CRAP OFFICE. Close the doors, virus boys.

Bird debuted the OCX Nacho Cheese Jeans, pretty sick for a first line. You have to give it up to Jenkins, he's not cheesey.
Sorry.

Just a shout out to the newest team felon, Jereme. Didn't you learn anything from Rick on tour? You throw the chairs but make sure that someone else gets framed. Good thing one of your two dads is resposnible and not off in Vegas modeling, Good work, Mikey. Way to pretend your someone's legal gaurdian.

Bob K's make over got cancelled. We were trying to do his hair and he kept lighting up so now we're going to give Marc Johnson a make over. We're going to tattoo on some eye liner for starters and then we'll post the photos.

Tomorrow we take a look at the bright glowing future, everything just seems like it's sunny side up.

 

ENTRY # 72
NOVEMBER 16, 2002

Remember last year, during the playoffs, when I asked that you please stop sending me the "You aint shit without Shaq" e-mails? I actually like them now so go ahead and pile on.
And if nothing else, Bird is dependable. Just when I thought the Lakers were in 1st place in the west, he sends me their stats. I guess we basically suck right now, if what I read was correct.
I'll be honest, I didn't like the idea of hanging my head low through a loss to Golden State so I gave away the Laker tickets I had. Call me a "fake fan" but I can only take so much. Now I know what it feels like to be a Grizzlies fan.
My neighbor said that he believes in Phil Jacksons philosophy of letting them (the team) "figure it out". Maybe just give them some hints to help them figure it out, thanks.

Another connection between Koston and Harry Potter? The guy on NPR tonight called Harry Potter "the magic boy". That's what we call Eric! Oh my gosh, it's amazing.

I found out the other day that HIME is short for HIMEAN! He's the meanest boy on the face of the earth. He's "The evil boy". Girls, you've been warned. I'll try and film when Rick beats him up so all the girls Hime has been mean to can watch. Rick is really forgetful so just a shout out to Rick: Don't forget Hime called you an asshole. Cool.

Bob K and Tony are staying true to their decision to not get their nicotine from cigarettes and have chose to get it straight from gum. These two little genius' look like cows in the pasture. Just chewing and chewing. It's weird how Bob feels comfortable keeping that $50. He's Canadian, what do you expect.

This just in: Smyth's life, never better.

Harsh Hair Update: Jenkins went blonde, Bird's is starting to sort of flip up like a "That Girl" hair do, Rick is a mess, Bob K went to an LA salon to get that Kurt Cobain look and is claiming au natural, Mikey's so hot right now, Cheeks gave up on the highlights, Ty calls his look "just livin'" but I call it Orange, Smyth did a tint in total secrecy and Nick is rockin' the Soupy Sales Afro. I take that back, out of respect for Atiba, I'm calling it the Soupy Sales AfNO.

Well, it took me a few days to gather myself to be able to talk about The Bachelor. Or what Rick likes to call "A couple of fucking retards". I think The Bachelor is just a slab of stupidity, cut right from the tenderest part of the idiot. The only thing that takes the spot light off the depths of this guys lameness, is of course, the women who claim to love him.
Ladies, work with me, I'm trying to save you as a gender. First up was Christy from Boise, Idaho. She was the chick that Aaron (The Bachelor) thought was a little "fatal attractionish". Bingo Meathead! This chick is scary. All she did was cry and talk about how in love she was with a guy that she had known for 36 hours. The only thing worse then her character was of course, her style. Denim dress and knee high faux leather boots? Am I on the set of VIP?
Just when you were relaxing on the couch and saying to yourself, "Wow, I just saw the worst human alive" in steps Heather from Texas in black leather pants and a red shaker knit sweater. Did someone ship the wardrobe people for this show a box of seconds from the Del Amo Mall? Back to Heather, in an interview before she met The Bachelor, she said, "I'm here to win a man and leave with a big rock on my hand". Heather, you suck. The only thing you are leaving with on your hand is a mascara stain from crying. Tune in this Wednesday when we find out who gets to spend the rest of their life with two big wet hairy thighs by their side.

Who wants to swap Chili recipes?

Stay tuned on Monday when we give Bob K a make over.

So positive right now.

Heart you!!!

 

ENTRY # 71
NOVEMBER 15, 2002

I'm not sure what happened at Girl last night but I came in today to a bunch of tennis racquets and LaCoste visors. If LeLee got the key to the building, we're fucked. I think we all need to band together and get Le Lee deported.

Smtyh is so negative, that's why this column has to work twice as hard. We're the positive driving force behind a bunch of negative pricks.

Gavin is hosting all after party events on Monday night, Bird has the couch and Tony is in the guest room so anyone else has to sleep with Timmy! I think the key to spending the night in the Palais De Gav is a good warm snow suit.
Megan and Carroll are dropping the previous charges against The Gav (you'll remember he tried to freeze Megan to death and then strangle Mikey). Turns out he has some amazing underground Phish stuff that is incredible so they all settled it out of court. Nice work, kids.

Jenkins has gone nuts with the ink. He got BIG PIMPIN STACKIN G'S in old english around his neck. Seemed sort of over the top but the guy is doing it. I guess it makes the "Tattoo Office" (Jeremy Tony and Rob) look like a bunch of little girls. Go home and cry to your mom's that you're too scared of real tattoos. Or maybe call The Gav and find out where he gets some of that artwork he has done.
Jenkins also has that art show coming up in Tokyo and guess who is now in the show? That's right, MUELLER! Ping Pong champ of the west. He's taking little Sprout with him to the show, who at that point will be Mrs. Ping Pong Champ.

Jereme keeps calling Rick to check on the deadline on the video. How do you say "OVER THE BUDGET" in Bostonian? Jeremy, come on little buddy, let's get this party started.

Is Bird being invited to a Laker game? In Girl seats? I thought he had a Clipper girlfriend? Crazy!

I don't mean to be negative but if you are looking for Mikey on Wednesday AM, he's at Pilates. Wait, that's like, ultra positive.

Stay tuned for Larson and Bob K's "Who knew you could get cancer from smokers gum?" club. And while you are staying tuned, can anyone say "thief" in Canadian? Bob K took the "Quit Smoking Cash" and then smoked! Dude, didn't you see Cool Hand Luke? Haven't we learned anything ever? You suck. I hope when Le Lee gets deported, they scoop you up too, like a dog catcher.

Hey, we're so positive. Look at this: When life gives you lemons, use them to do shooters. But only if you're over 21.