ENTRY #1065

Julius, I am going to package up the bust tonight to send. It's a little heavier then I thought. (Totally kidding, Spike, no one is getting a bust of anyone).

Remember when I was going to be over All My Children because they killed the main 5 characters? Well, one of the people that I thought they killed didn't really die. The doctor just staged it to keep her away from her alcoholic husband. Totally back on board.

Frosty, will you at least tell me which LA dance team you like more?

ENTRY #1064

Julius, send your address to us and we'll get the bust of Spike packaged up and sent to you. We might even get him to sign the bottom of it. I just have to figure out a way for him to not know that I'm giving it away. I told him this was all a big joke. When he reads this, I will have to laugh with him and convince him that this, too, is part of the joke.

Someone asked me yesterday why I pick on The Desert Twins so much. I think I keep it pretty fair when it comes to the attacks in my column. If you and your life partner can't eat a meal without leaving garbage when you're done, I'm going to call you out on it. That's not picking on someone, that's guiding them. In a way, I'm being a life coach to them at no charge.

Rick hurt his neck and he can't turn his head to the left.

Correction from the other day: Tony is a Clipper fan first and then a Laker fan if they would have gotten Jason Kidd in a trade. They did not get Jason Kidd so he remains a Charger fan. No one is really a Clipper fan, right?

ENTRY #1063

Tired with a headache.

ENTRY #1062

I guess the Desert Twins didn't leave the tortilla chips on the lunch table. Jeremy claims The Twins even had to clean up after Sam, The Mez and Scott J at a restaurant the other day. If he had said just Sam and The Mez, I would believe it but cleaning up after Scott J? I don't think so, Jeremy. And how was Arby's today, jerks?

Long awaited GOLDS GYM UPDATE. This could be considered good news or bad news, depends on your seat near the main stage. I helped one of the "dancers" from Power Sculpt make a resume and she got a regular job not dancing naked in front of men. Sorry Larson, I promise to not help any more of them.

Speaking of Larson, he will become a Laker fan if Jason Kidd is traded to LA. However, in the event that he does become a Laker fan and the Lakers do not make it to the playoffs, he will not become a Clipper fan. Right, Tone?

Julius, we make the final handshake via email tomorrow and the bust of Spike is yours.

ENTRY #1061

This just in from Russell regarding the trade of Spike's bust:
"My last offer was final, however I have one more bargaining chip up my sleeve. A copy of 'Johnny Dangerously' on DVD signed by JOE PISCOPO. Fuck that Julius dude. His shit is weak."
Sanger, you might be right, he definitely is "connected" to someone in entertainment or how on Gods green earth would be have gotten that DVD signed?
The Steve Nash bobble head that Supra Pete didn't give me is still on the table, Russell, Spike's bust is not.

And Julius, your shit isn't weak, that's just Russell getting all street and stuff. You are still the leading bid. But how do you plan to ship that bike?

I'll let The Mez spit about The White Rapper show. Wow.

Looks like The Desert Twins had Mexican food for lunch. It's OK, guys. I realize you would have had to lift the bag and twist your torso to get these left over tortilla chips in the trash. That would have been way too much work.

ENTRY #1060

This guy, Tad, sent in the items below to barter for the bust of Spike. Clearly these items are not valuable enough to trade for a bust of Spike Jonze but I am a big Road House fan and have a counter offer for you. Years ago, an old friend paid to have a star named after me. I have all the documentation plus a map of where the star is located. Since this person and I no longer speak, I'm willing to give you my star in trade for the DVD. You can keep the mug, the chicken and the ceramic portrayal of the kids playing football with Ty. Let me know if you're interested.

Russell stepped back up to the trading plate with what he is calling "My final offer":

> 1 case of beer.
> 1 packet of (fat free) marshmallow PEEPS.
> 1 giant 'Flying Leopard' remote control car with fat-tires and great suspension. Comes with remote and all batteries. Working condition.
> 2 Ramones beer coozies.
> 1 beautiful decanter to show of your fancy liquors.
> 1 Pentax MZ-50 35mm camera.
> 1 Soviet made Julpen, heavy-as-fuck zoom lens

I like what you've brought to the table, Russell, but I think the Ramones coozies will clash with my Ramones t-shirt. I will trade you a three foot Steve Nash bobble head for these items. Let me know if you're interested. (Supra Pete, if you're reading this, not the three foot Steve Nash bobble head that you gave me, a different one).

It looks like Julius may have the winning offer.

Last night I took my dog to the vet to get an acorn removed from his butt. He swallowed it and then was having trouble passing it through the other end. The vet said, "if this ever happens again, you can lubricate his rectum and gently reach in and get it."
That's OK. I feel like it's worth the $400 to come have the vet do it. Thanks, though.

ENTRY #1059

Remember the Hunkies For Hotties competition with The Gav and Pat Lawlor? They were going to see who could lose the most weight by Valentines Day? Turns out they both weighed in at 176 to begin the battle. The competition ended with The Gav at a strapping 174 and Pat at a lean 172. When these two put their heart in something, there seems to be just no stopping them. Congrats Pat, you must look ripped at 4 pounds lighter.

Smyth emailed all the way from jolly London to tell me that it's "Ice T" not "Ice Tea." Don't let my lack of street be a mark on Sam's cred is what I'm saying.

The bust of Spike had some new offers but with that Huffy bike on the bargaining table, they all look pretty silly.
From Russell we get an offer with only the beer being considered. Frozen meats are a mark against you.
> 1 Case of Coors Light.
> 1 frozen beef sausage.
> 1 frozen pork sausage.
> 1 bag of tricks. Contains firecrackers, stink-bombs, itching power and liquid hardener.
> 1 replica monkey skull.
> 1 commemorative Saddam Hussein butane dictator lighter.
> 1 Hello Kitty mini FM stereo receiver with headphones, for the ladies. Or Sam.
> 1 Angry Eggplant

We'll leave the bargaining open for another day and then we'll close this deal.

ENTRY #1058

Happy Birthday to EA, The Mez and Cliver. Must be the most common day for soft, arty, emo guys to be born. Cliver is a little less emo then The Mez and EA but I've seen him cry more so they're even.
Tomorrow's Ice Tea's birthday so I guess that balances out the month as a whole.

After not being named to the NBA All Star Team, NY Knicks Eddy Curry got the words "Bruised Not Broken" across his chest for being snubbed. Should have just gone with "Bitter" in small letters on your wrist. Easier to cover up with a big koi fish later in life when you grow up.

Speaking of the NBA, it was good that The Mez had Eric answer the question of who he is a fan of, The Clippers or The Lakers. The only problem is, the question needs to be asked during playoffs, Mez.

More photo documentation that Rickk makes the same face in every photo and gives the thumbs up in 90% of them and Callaway wears a cardigan 100% of the time.

ENTRY #1057

Happy Valentine's Day.

The bust of Spike continues to grow in value. Some guy named Kevin who I am guessing worships Satan because he has "666" in his email sent in the following offer in trade
> golden ceramic cat
> orginal hand-drawn picture of a woman with a vagina for a mouth and a mouth for a vagina
> catface beanie
> oriental dagger
An interesting offer at first sight because it includes another possible wedding gift for Ben but this trade is disqualified because of the "v" word.

But here's where the bust gets valuable. Remember Julius? The original offer with the Bentley camera? Well, he took out the useless skate garbage I had no use for and has sweetened the deal tremendously. Here's what's in his offer now:

I don't want to seem greedy, Julius, but the money clip has to go. It looks too small to fit all my mad cash in. Let me sleep on this offer and I'll let you know tomorrow. I hope for your sake nothing better comes to me overnight.

I might consider being over All My Children. There is a murderer on the loose and in the last three weeks, Simone, Babe, Erin and Dixie have all been murdered. That would be like if Rickk, The Mez, Mikey and Jenkins all left Girl in a three week period of time to go be on another soap on another network. Or something like that.

ENTRY #1056

Remember the guy that thought a beanie and some "electric" scissors were a fair trade for a bust of Spike Jonze? Well, he's thrown a new offer on the table:

"What you have here is one bottle opener that says "Co-Ro-Na!!!!" When you crack a beer, one cordless Motorola telephone (great working order), one Yoda pez dispenser (no pez inside though), one pair of brass knuckles (or three fingered ring depending on how you choose to look at it), and lastly one 90-91 skybox Olden Polynice card (highly collectible, can't believe I'm parting with it)".

Really Ted? You can't believe you are parting with a Olden Polynice trading card? A trading card of a guy that averaged one rebound a game when he was a Los Angeles Clipper? Well, good news, you're not parting with it. At least not in this trade.

The only reason I don't report Ted to the Better Business Bureau for this offensive offer is because of this offer that came from Russell.
Russell, I highlighted my acceptance standings on each item in red:

> 2 oil paintings on felt, of ships at sea. Nope
> 1 can of Spotted Dick.
> 1 bag of Donkey Balls.
Keep 'em.
> 1 bar of The Star of David soap.
No Thanks.
> 1 really great Pittsburgh hunting cap.
The only thing worse then Pittsburgh is it's baseball team. Nope.
> 1 miniature figurine of a wizard holding a staff and a ball of fire. Decent.
I would consider this as a wedding gift for Ben Colen if it was larger and ceramic and if the wizard was wearing boots of escaping. Nope.
> And finally, the latest issue of Don Diva, The Original Street Bible.
I work alongside Sam Smyth, obviously I don't need a "street" bible. Nope.

Just wanted to give a shout to Howard K. Stern. Didn't think anyone could make K-Fed look like he wasn't that much of a pathetic leach. Nice work.

ENTRY #1055

The bartering for the bust of Spike is starting to take shape. Someone named Julius has offered up the following items:

> New Deal Wooden nickle. Promo from useless wooden toys video
> Get Familiar Move poster 4x3 feet
> Bentley Camera with Bentley Flash in great working order
> Really Naughty Dots book singed by the girl who gave it to me
> Yoshitomo Nara postcard book... new

This is a good start but I should let anyone interested know, I have no interest in skate related collectibles. Change out that wooden nickel and that poster and we're in some real negotiations. I might even give that camera to Spike as a gift as he does with so much stuff he gets and can't figure out what to do with. Like fancy poker chips, Spike, you jerk.

Someone named Anthony not only offered up a totally unacceptable item for trade, he insulted Spike by saying, "keep the bust and just send me the Koston deck." Not cool, Anthony. That's my job. I hope someone makes a wallet out of you one day so you can see how lame it feels.

Mez. sorry for public calling you out about the doughnut. After I thought about it, I realized you probably felt the same way I did when Staba said, "you have big feet, huh?" He's a jerk, too (I mean like Spike, not like me).

We got word from Callaway in The Netherlands regarding our interest in which cardigan works best with wooden shoes:

"Winter in Amsterdam means function before fashion. Hence, a Dutch rain poncho and matching pants, accessorized with a bicycle rental." —Callaway

And although he didn't say it, I'm guessing there was a colorful spread sheet in the basket of that bicycle rental.

ENTRY #1054

Really? No one has anything good to trade me for this? What if I throw in a Koston deck? (Sorry Spike, you weren't pulling in any good offers solo).

Been a while since Bird and I have been in a fight. He just leaned in my office, asked if I had seen Atiba and then went through my office and out the other door. Never said anything else to me, not hello, nothing. Jerk.

The Mez was caught acting like he was checking on the shipping department so he could steal one of their doughnuts. I wonder when moving at the pace The Mez moves how long it takes to burn a doughnut.
(FYI, Mez, The Twins ratted you out. They're loyal but not outside their brotherhood).

Callaway left for Europe. I wonder if his fashion changes when he travels or if he sticks with the boot cut denim, cardigan and vans. Send a photo, J.

ENTRY #1053

The bust is of Spike Jonze, not Spike Lee! Maybe I confused you when I said "celebrated director." Some joker thought they could trade me these items for the sculpture.

Who's Cal Gary? And electric scissors are the worst, they can't even cut through tissue. No trade and you've offended me.

I got an offer today to open a bakery on Melrose. I know this isn't a proper resignation guys but see you on Melrose.

On All My Children yesterday, J.R. told Babe that he had planted a camera in Josh's hotel room so he could see if they were sleeping together. Babe now knows that their relationship has been a lie and thinks that J.R. is going to start drinking again. J.R. also plans to get custody of their only child by telling the court that Babe is friends with a trans-gender person who J.R. feels is a freak. (Mikey, there is also a lesbian on the show and they show she and her lover kissing and in bed. Thought that might get you on board to watch).

Did you know that the time River Joe was arrested at the river, he was tasered? That's a resume bonus.

The Desert Twins moved this big jar of candy that was upstairs in to The Mez' office. Mrs. The Mez, definitely don't put the size large t-shirts in the dryer.

ENTRY #1052

In case anyone considered Spike the kinder more emo owner of Girl, proof he's a self absorbed dick. I mean that in the nicest way possible.

(click image for accompanied note)

ENTRY #1051

Don't forget to send me any ideas you have to trade with me for this sculpture of Spike. You can put it on ebay and make some cash. Well, maybe not that much cash. He produced Jackass, maybe put that in the product description.

River Joe and Tough Guy have decided they will not be "out gayed" by the Desert Twins and are taking a European vacation together. I think with EA carrying a purse and the collection of designer jeans The Desert Twins have, you've got your work cut out for you.

Smyth told me this morning that he thought about Larson in the shower this morning. Well, he thought about the entire Art Dump.

Alex, can you email Mikey your t-shirt size and then he'll forward it to me and then when your shirts come in, I'll give them to Sam? That way we can really open up our communication. Thanks.

ENTRY #1050

Larson got back to us with answers about the Bob Seger and STP songs at strip clubs. Turns out they are both club standards.
Tony also gave us this priceless insight:

"In any solid stripper rotation, there is invariably one dancer who can't seem to shake her last boyfriend. Dancing to the song in question ("Turn The Page") is often a therapeutic way of simultaneously flipping the middle finger at her ex while moving on with her life". It's a sad time for an exotic dancer".

I know, I know, he should be in human resources and not design but he won't make the change.

We had a football pool here for the Superbowl and Carnalag won the big pot. I saw him leaving with his boyfriend Eric at lunch. I wonder if he took him somewhere special with this winnings.

Congratulations and love to Scott and Soyoung on the arrival of Audrey!

ENTRY #1049

Larson, last night in Power Sculpt when we were stretching at the end of class, the teacher played Turn The Page by Bob Seger. One of my "entertainer" friends that was in the class with me said that is a staple at most strip clubs. Is this true? One time Spike and I were at a strip club and they played Plush by Stone Temple Pilots. It didn't seem right. Is that song a regular at clubs? It didn't seem right to be at a strip club with Spike, either.

Rickk told me the other day that the wife of his first sponsor hit him over the head with a pan for being a jerk. I wonder how many people want to high five that chick.

Supra Pete is still growing a mustache. I'd be grossed out but Crampy's threesome has sort of moved my tolerance level for "sickening" around a bit.

The Mez just stopped showing up for work. Seriously. He just stopped coming in. I think when The Gav did that it took us about six months to stop paying him so look for the checks to stop around June, Aaron.

ENTRY #1048

Remember what the fridge looked like yesterday? Well, we cleaned it up. And when I say "we" I mean River Joe. That tupperware thing you see on the top right is a little lunch kit that River Joe and Tough Guy use to make sandwiches. Like The Desert Twins, they too have a strong man bond that involves lunches together and I'm not sure what else. Unlike The Desert Twins, they clean up after themselves.

I don't want to say who it is but one of my business partners has The Road Runner on his personal checks. I thought we were trying to be captains of industry? Was there a board meeting that I missed when we decided to go another direction?

A certain magical wizard is transporting himself from the east coast to our headquarters today. And rumor has it, he cast a spell of love over a very lucky fairy.

This is a cast of Spike's head and shoulders. If you have something you think is worthy of a trade, email us and let me know. (The mouse ears are not included).

ENTRY #1047

Today's Honourary Crail Canadian isn't Jason Searcy. Apparently Jason's been too busy with time travel to brush up on how The Daily Photo poster works. No need for a novel underneath the photo. That's why people say that poignant saying about a picture being worth a thousand words, Jason, so you don't have to write a thousand words. Or two thousand, however many you wrote.

This is the fridge at Girl and Rickk, Mikey, the next time you see this photo it will be attached to my resignation letter. I know, I know, Mikey is going to say, "I don't leave any food at Girl." Maybe you don't but maybe drop by the desks of a few of your employees and talk to them about a little something called "being considerate." I guess I have to start asking, "are you a jerk" in the interview process.

This morning when I got to work, I had fresh baked cookies. The Mez passed on his "the carbs don't count if the food is free" joke and went straight with some sexist comment about giving them to him to save him a trip down the stairs.
The feathered hair makes it impossible to get offended. It's his weapon, so to speak.

Speaking of bringing sexy back, Happy Birthday to Justin Timberlake.

ENTRY #1046

Yesterday I had to call The Mez and he did "Danny from Grease" to me. That's when you have to play it cool because all your friends are around when normally if they were not around you would be super excited to hear from the person. That's cool, Aaron. I know how you do.

Not to bring up the dreadful image of a Crampy Threesome two days in a row but if you're a hobbit or of smaller stature, Crampys sexual escapade means big hope for all men under 5'3". Again, yuk!

When we bought this building that we house this company in, it needed a new roof. We waited about 5 years to get one. Whenever it would rain, we would have to put buckets in certain places to catch the water. (When I say "we" I mean River Joe and Tough Guy). This was going to lead to something but as usual, nothing.
It's raining and I just saw Tough Guy and River and they weren't putting buckets in place to catch water. Isn't that a great story?

Jeremy was talking on his cell phone near the lunch table and then he pretended he was clearing it off. There was no trash left out there today because he and his boyfriend went out to lunch. They're both still on my jerk list.

ENTRY #1045

The Desert Twins will remain just that. EA was no part of that pepper that was left on the table. It was Jeremy, his less emo half. EA stepped up and said that he really wants to remain The Desert Twins even though he thinks Jeremy might even enjoy being called The Inconsiderate Fuckers. And when I really stopped and thought about that name, there are far too many other people far more deserving of that title.
The Desert Twins are The Desert Twins but Jeremy, get your act together.

Supra Pete sent me a text message this weekend that said, "MICHAEL JACKSON IS EATING AT THE RESTAURANT WE'RE AT RIGHT NOW". I think it's weird that Pete celebrates his birthday at Neverland.

Someone mentioned to me that I don't always make Rickk and Mike look very good in my column. You ever stop to think maybe it's them and not me?

After going to The Agenda Trade Show this weekend, I know way way too much about Crampy. The two most disturbing things being 1) he had a threesome at the trade show and 2) he and some other dudes he work with (that are all short) have some sort of a short mans club. Yuk and yuk.

ENTRY #1044

Make the most of this post, I won't be posting tomorrow. Maybe read half of this one today and save the second half for tomorrow.

We had a big important meeting this morning and The Mez sat in this sort of lounge chair part of my couch for the entire meeting. At one point he even got on his side and used the arm of the lounge chair thing to rest his head on.
That feathered hair is not a look, it's a laid back lifestyle. And you can't get it by just cruising in to the local Supercuts with your flips flops on.

Rickk is going to the dermatologist today. He thinks Ty might have given him bed bugs. What's gay about that?

We replaced River Joe as warehouse manager, he's now a production person. He's only been in this position about three weeks and is now referring to his comrades in the warehouse as, "the warehouse guys." Look out Brian, I think someone is inching up on the jerk scale. Just kidding, Brian, no ones any where even close to your title.

Frosty, I'm making cupcakes for a golf event that you're hosting. I know you hate playing second fiddle to me so I just wanted to alert you.

The lunch table. Look what "someone" left on the lunch table.

Like most of my photos this one is blurry, too. But it's the subject matter that we need to focus on. It's some sort of tupperware with weird red sauce in it and a pepper that Tough Guy told me he gave to one of the Desert Twins. Look Twins, unless you want your cute little nickname changed to The Inconsiderate Fuckers from The Desert, clear your crap after lunch. This is warning number three.

ENTRY #1043

Sorry about no post yesterday, I was busy making sure the candy barrels were stocked for the Girl Open House.

The Desert Twins asked me during the open house if the food being served was also for employees. These two are confusing me. They'll leave their trash on the lunch table as if they're the kings of this castle but then act like peasants when burgers and chips are being served. Pick a side, Twins.

Rickk told me that he saw I posted I was retiring from this column in December. He said that wasn't happening. Stay tuned until December to see who is really running this show.

Special thanks to Frosty yesterday for... oops, never mind.

I think I might be over All My Children. I felt like my intelligence was being insulted over the course of last year when this crazy doctor that came to town was stealing women's embryo's. But now they're injecting various characters with truth serum which I haven't seen since I watched cartoons so I think I need to make some life decisions.

ENTRY #1042

Frosty, I read yesterday that it is now appropriate for couples to register for weddings at places that relate to their hobbies. So if you wanted to register for a golf cart, go for it. This also means, I think, that Rickk can register at a firework supermarket once he ties the knot.

Rickk has a mustache. On a scale of 1-10, 1 being a total turn on and 10 being disgusting, it's an 11.

I wonder if The Desert Twins' old friends from Yucca would want to fight them if they saw the designer jeans they both wear. I think, yes.

Tomorrow's our big open house. Every year during the planning of this function, Rickk and I get in to a small argument about the serving of alcohol. This is the first year he didn't bring it up once. Not once! I consider this a victory for my team. My team consists of me. I'm not sure of everyone on his team but I know Sam, Mikey, Larson, EA, Jeremy, Tough Guy, River, every employee, every skater are probably on his roster.

Yesterday, while driving down the 91, I decided I'm going to retire from this column at the end of the year. Start spicing up your resumes, we'll be looking for a replacement.

There's something called The Crystal Room opening at The Hustler casino at the end of this month. Don't get defensive anyone, I was just mentioning it. No one here or down the street at Podium has any kind of a gambling problem.

ENTRY #1041

Turns out the Togo's trash on the table was half of The Desert Twins and Mueller. EA said that he left clean napkins on the table when he was done eating and threw all his other trash out. He also said he left them because Mueller was still eating his soup and salad from Togos. Mueller? I'm not sure which is worse. The trash or soup and salad from Togo's.

On another note, I think there's a little trouble in paradise where The Desert Twins are concerned. Carnahan not only said he "hates Togos" but he added that "it's boring" and that EA only goes out during the week if he and The Mez are going to look at stars or hear some harpist.
I personally think EA and The Mez is too much emo in one posse but I guess if you're emo you like too much emo. It feels sadder, I'm guessing.

Someone pointed out to me an article in Skateboarder about "15 things you didn't know about Mike Carroll." Now that I think about it, he may have really said, "something that sounded like Onyx" as a suggestion for what to name what would become Girl and not "let's name it Onyx." But he did want to name it "Money" at one point and he does own a company named "Money". So does Spike. There's the 16th thing you didn't know about him.

Lu's Back!

ENTRY #1040

This is sort of a Gold's Gym Update combined with a tip for those of you thinking about getting inked. This guy that works out a lot and has really huge muscles got a tattoo that says: YOU CAN LOOK BUT YOU CAN'T TOUCH on his upper arm. If you have to get a tat that is also a message, I think that means you're a dick. I think three words (unless it's a bible verse) is the max for ink. Beyond that, you're trying too hard or you're not trying hard enough.
On another Gold's Gym note, I almost fainted there on Tuesday night and my trainer (Staba has one too before you try and attack me) ran and grabbed his leather hip pack and then ran to the snack stand and got me a Gatorade and opened it really fast. I think he expected me to guzzle the whole thing and then bounce back to action. I just took a sip (I hate Gatorade) and left.

The lunch table didn't have trash on it after lunch yesterday but that doesn't mean we don't have a problem. There's a coffee table on level 2 near some couches and in front of the TV. I had to clear that thing of trash and skate magazines this morning! What the hell? The worst part is that I know The Desert Twins eat at Togo's a lot and look what I found on the table...

Eric and Jeremy, you might want to take your trash to the trash can once in a while. Remember what happened to that football coach at your school that was a jerk?

ENTRY #1039

I think I forgot to post a column yesterday. I've been confused since Sanger was gone, The Mez was using the wrong date and Lewman just decided to post at his own leisure. Feels good to justify the blame off of myself, feels healthy.

Rickk was making fun of Spike for wanting a complete deck. I guess Rickk feels that takes away from Spike's street cred that he doesn't want to nit pick each component. Rickk, he sips tequila with a suit on, the street cred is dust.

Remember me mentioning the time I wrote an email about someone and then accidentally sent it to that person? I had that happen to me! It was awesome. It was in another language but I was able to pick out enough words to know it wasn't fan mail.

Back to my Lakai shoe, I don't want one but I could get one but even though I could get one, I realize I would need help designing it. I got one of those gift cards for those Nike's that you design on line and when they showed up they looked like this.
Ugly but it's not like I have heavy fashion competition at Gold's so they'll work.

Last year at our open house, we had M&M's out in bowls. People would grab a handful and I know people don't wash their hands enough so I figured half way through the day, those M&M's had to have pee and other stuff on them. It was sickening. I forgot to tell Tough Guy and Jenkins not to eat any of the candy. They both had a huge handful and I worried about him but they survived. No hep C or anything. This year all candy being served is pre-wrapped.


ENTRY #1038

Jenkins and Larson are back.

For any of you wondering how Larson is doing after The Chargers pulled an all time blow it, he's fine. He can't participate in meetings until Wednesday at which point he will be done mourning. His brother Chad was physically ill and another friend considered hanging himself but they've all pulled themselves together and are fine. Of course Paul Nett looked at the bright side realizing if the Chargers are going to suck this bad, season seats might be affordable.
Keep in mind, that Larson has been trying to get Quentin Jammer traded for years. Not sure how as manager of the Art Department at Girl he would have that pull but I like his ambition.

Larson also told me something that Bird said to him after the tragic Chargers lost which brings me back to my Lakai shoe. Again, I really don't want a shoe but when Tony told me that Bird said he hates the Patriots as much as he hates the Lakers, I realized my Lakai shoe, if I wanted one which I don't, would be purple and gold. And maybe the sole would have that great tattoo that Luke Walton has on his arm on it. I hope I don't end up ever wanting a signature shoe because I know I could get one.

I have to go. River, Tough Guy and I are going plant shopping. And that's not code for going to score some home grown.

ENTRY #1037

Someone sent me an email yesterday and told me I should be fired for being such a flake about posting. I've been trying to get fired since early 1995, call management, get me out of here.

I think it's safe to say that The Gav and Pat Lawlors "Hunkies for Hotties" competition might not be going so well. I heard from a tall european looking hunk that The Gav ate an entire box of Slim Jim's this week. High protein, Gav but a little high on the sodium, too. I'm sure the Goldfish crackers you had on the side balanced it all out and turned it in to solid muscle mass.

Justin Timberlake is in a new movie called Alpha Dog about a group of people that kidnap someone as a prank and it goes all wrong. Spike had the same idea about 15 years ago, only a little different. Back in 1991, he tried to get me and Dan Field to help him kidnap Rocco as a prank. He said Rocco would think it was funny. Dan and I felt like Rocco would kill us or have us killed. His plan was to break in to his house while he was sleeping, put him in a bag and then take him on a crazy car ride. I wonder what this column would be like if I was posting from a minimum security prison.

Mikey left his backpack in a cab last night. He got it back.

This might make The Bird mad but I realized last night when I was driving home, if I really really really wanted to get my own shoe on Lakai, I could talk Rickk and Mike into it. Sorry, I know it sounds lame but I know I could do it. I wouldn't, I promise, I don't want a shoe on Lakai but I'm just saying if I did....


ENTRY #1036

Spike, I asked some people, $18 is a really good price for a hooker.

Ben Colen had his accounts receivable people call us yesterday about an invoice. The terms are Net 30, Ben? Not very wizardy of you.

Rickk went on a snow mobile ride yesterday and at the half way point the group he was with stopped and had cocoa.
He's so "Aspen" when he wants to be.

I had to go to the Sheriff's station yesterday to get a permit for our open house. Tough Guy Rich knew exactly how to get there which has me wondering, has River been in that jail as well as the Havasu one?

8 more days, Lu!


ENTRY #1035

Probably a "thank you" letter from management.

Remember how I mentioned that Rickk, Eric, The Gav and Kenny went to an "industry event" in Colorado? Rickk called and said he had to carry Eric back to his room last night. I bet Kenny got wasted and went in to a rage and beat Eric down. Typical Kenny.

Haven't been to Golds in 17 days. I'm pretty sure the strippers aren't my friends anymore. Back to my old boring friends that don't date bouncers at Vegas clubs.


ENTRY #1034

The Gav and Pat Lawlor are having a competition with each other called "Hunkies for Hotties". They are going on a diet and whoever loses the most weight by Valentine's Day has to buy the other one a rack of BBQ ribs. Just the prize has loser written all over it. The both of them feel like this is the best gift they can give to their wives. My money's on Pat. Sorry Timmy. I love you like a brother but Pat is just a bit more disciplined.
Weigh in is this Saturday. I'll keep everyone posted.

The Gav, Rickk, Frosty and Kenny are all going to Colorado for some sort of industry event. I hope Rickk and Tim can keep Kenny from being his usual out of control indulgent self in front of his peers.

The Mez hurt his knee. Hope you're OK, Aaron.

Spoke to Jenkins yesterday. All is going well down under. Andy misses his family and Tony is getting hammered and snoring. Check their update for the progress on the show. www.sharetheair.net/artdumpblog/


ENTRY #1033

Congratulations to LT, Larson and Paul Nett on the NFL MVP title. You all worked very hard.

Smyth has the flu that everyone else has but he claims due to a strict "no greens in this body" diet, he's beating this thing in three days. If he does, it's grilled cheese and beer for me all next week.

I was going to write something about The Gav but we're too Gav heavy this week. I mean, we are always but this week I feel like he's going to experience some popularity backlash.

Scott, not sure how much you check in but when Rickk was trying to get Mikey to go to SF this weekend, Mikey said he had to babysit his dog to which Rickk replied, "dump that thing at Scott's". On the outside that might look like Rickk is an inconsiderate prick but it was really his way of saying how responsible and nurturing you are.
Rickk also just found out, during this exchange, that Hyphy was a girl to which Mike replied, "check out her ______".


ENTRY #1032

Yesterday The Gav was in my office chatting. He said he would go find out where everyone was going for lunch and let me know. The next thing I heard was his speed boat pulling out of the parking lot. It's OK, Tim, I'm fine. Just 14 days with the flu, no worries.
But since I'm reaching out to you, Gav, might want to take the "caps lock" button off on the Blackberry. Felt like you were yelling at me yesterday when you texted me in all capitol letters.

My Receptionist, Lu, is miserable in Argentina. Only two more weeks, Lu. Two really really long weeks, but just two more of them.

Spike's back in the U.S.A.

Meza, I think the way you are doing your new little feature, opening it to questions for anyone, will work much better then what I attempted. The thing I did wrong with my feature was that I limited it to the two most annoying people to get an answer out of. But that was back before Rickk took Mikey out for being annoying so my feature could work now if I wanted it to. Actually it couldn't. Even though Rickk is more annoying then Mikey, Mikey is still annoying. And Spike? Please. He makes those long pauses Eric takes when you're on the phone with him seem like a split second.

Frosty, I hate Shaq. Call me, I'll explain.


ENTRY #1031



ENTRY #1030

Happy New Year.

If you want to challenge our company to a game of Stripper Trivia, please wait until the 15th of January. We have River Joe but Larson is out of the office until then. We're a lot less stripper savvy with one of them out of the office. Jenkins is gone too but he doesn't really effect our stripper knowledge.

10th straight day with the flu.


ENTRY #1029

It turns out the Del Taco dipshit was Carnalag, the more flamboyant half of The Desert Twins. It really sucks that it has to be him because I can't get mad at him. He's just too sweet. But there's still the Subway dipshit to track down. I hope that turns out to be someone I can yell at. Mettee? Subway?

Had dinner with The Gav last night. Is it weird to high five more then a dozen times during a meal? I mean, I know that's standard if you're in a sports bar but we were just talking in an Italian restaurant.

Rickk heard that a shot of hard alcohol is good when you're trying to kick a cold. He added his own Canadian twist to that old folk lore and had a shot, three beers and three glasses of wine. There is only one "i" in genius.

Just a heads up to those of you at Podium, The Bird is going to quit smoking beginning January 1, 2007. I think you can get tranquilizer guns at Big 5. Might be good just to have one on stand by. In every office.

ENTRY #1028

Almost everyday, I clear off the lunch table in the warehouse. People leave different wrappers and trash from their lunch time meal. About every three months, I send out an email reminding people to not be total jerks but it doesn't work.
Here's what it looked like today. If you work at Girl and you ate at Subway or Del Taco today, you're a dip shit.

ENTRY #1027

Thanks Larson, the fake throw up thing is always awesome. I think you might have even done the real throw up thing, no?

ENTRY #1026

Girl Holiday Party tonight. Larson, don't forget to do the fake throw up thing.

ENTRY #1025

This is sort of a Gold's Gym Update. Last night, these two girls that are dancers that were in the Super Sculpt class I was taking, explained to me how fat is too fat to still be in porn movies. It was interesting.
They also told me who Lexi Lamour is.
Then I explained to them flatback sea turtles mostly live off the coast of Australia.

I used the "Bcc" option in an email I sent yesterday for the very first time and got completely busted. It doesn't feel as weird as when you type an email about someone and then accidentally send it to that person.

Here's the current annoying rating when dealing with an issue with Rickk, Mikey and Eric:
Most annoying: Rickk
Not so annoying: Eric
Shockingly not annoying at all: Mikey
Rickk, you could improve your status by chiming in while the issue is still on the table.

Our holiday party is Monday night and it's sure to be the most magical one ever because Ben Colen is in town!

ENTRY #1024

There's this sketchy strip bar on PCH, about 2 miles from our building. There's a big sign out front that says, "LEXI LAMOUR LIVE." I was going to ask our resident stripper expert, Larson, who she was, but then I realized Larson knows more about strippers in general and not so much famous strippers or porn stars. So Mikey, this one's for you. Who is she? And what can she fit in her butt?

There was a poker game last night that I think if you didn't attend you would have bad luck for seven straight years and lose all your friends and maybe even your job. Or at least that's how it was presented to everyone's wife and girlfriend.

Turns out, everything is fine with Frosty and I. He did agree that his hair looked really pretty in that picture I posted. But Eric, if you're considering a new style all together, don't forget the best thing you ever had going...

ENTRY #1023

I made Reda's dad's marinara sauce last night. I actually think it's probably even better then when his dad makes it. Only because Reda isn't in the other room yapping.

Spike, your brand new snowboard went to the chalet you're staying at in Switzerland. Oops, what was it you said not to put in my column?
Call and remind me.

Yesterday I thought The Bird and I were in a fight but then Rickk said he was in Italy and that's why I haven't heard from him. But then I got pissed that The Bird didn't tell me he was leaving so now we're in a real fight. Sorry Kel, you gotta be on your toes or we're not going to get along.

I was at a holiday party last weekend and one of the employees here wanted to leave the party but he was really drunk so I yelled at him as if we were at the office and he went and laid down like a small child. I'm your boss even on the weekend? Lame.

ENTRY #1022

Rickk still continues to out-annoy Mikey on a regular basis. He just got done stretching in my office full with sound effects. The stretching looked so natural with cords and a jacket on.

I think I damaged Eric and my friendship by questioning his loyalty to a basketball team. His email to me today had nothing to do with anything but business. He's either mad at me or still stinging from his real team getting beat by The Spurs. Either way, Eric, I still consider you my favorite traitor, skater and all around good sport.

Larson is struggling to balance the stress of LT's new touchdown record with the stress of a catalog deadline. If The Chargers go to the Superbowl, Girl will be closed February 5 to honor both The Chargers and a man that has given all he could to that team, Larson.

The Mez and I passed each other in the hallway earlier. We haven't seen each other all week. Nice haircut, Mez.

ENTRY #1021

I don't think I have to update my column today. Since Friday's post got put up today, enjoy that one until tomorrow.

ENTRY #1020

The only email I got from Eric today was not about basketball. In fact, it was about Schnurr and trading living space for sexual favors. Freak. I hope we're still friends, he has pretty hair. If we're not Eric, can I get that self portrait back that Spike painted of himself? Oops, sorry Spike, I think you wanted me to stop telling people you painted a self portrait with oil paints on a huge canvas.

There was something on television this morning about a new thing called a "mancation." It's a vacation with extreme and dangerous elements where the guys bond and no chicks are allowed. I thought that was called "tour."

The Mez, there's a surprise in your office for you. Hint: About 25 grams of carbs.

ENTRY #1019

I really don't have to even email Eric back anymore, he just checks my column. I guess he hates Kobe, sort of. I hated him first, though. I win. Anyway, Frosty, let me know what night you're trying to plan your holiday party. I'm planning a poker night at my place and don't want the dates to conflict.

Rickk told me today he likes skating for Girl. I think that's good, it would be weird to have he and Mike in on meetings if they skated for someone else.

Last night at the gym, in a class called Super Sculpt, the teacher played "Communication Breakdown" during one of the 'core strength' exercises. You can't truly know how much that song sucks until you feel like you're performing to it.

I think Smyth will back me on correcting The Mez in saying that Smyth is not as big of a fan of The Gav as Rickk and The Hime are. The Mez may have been using his own love of The Gav as a measure and didn't think Smyth could feel that sort of love. Hardly any of us can. But as much as Smyth loves 45 minutes of partying anywhere for any reason, he's a Gav fan.

ENTRY #1018

I think I thought all day yesterday that it was today. Did that make sense?

My Receptionist, Lu, is going to Argentina for a month. Most bosses would fire you for that but instead I placed an ad on Craigslist and I'm looking for a stand in. Lu asked that I not hire anyone pretty so that the boys will not want Lu to come home. River or Tough Guy asked if the replacement could be a blonde. We're running a pretty loose ship.
Anyway, we had a Suicide Girl interview for the job.

About a week ago, The Gav sent me an email with a video of a weiner swinging in a circle. Then today, Rickk sent me the same email. Who would be the bigger goon in that deal? Rickk for being late on the joke?

Who's jersey do you have on, Eric?

ENTRY #1017

Rickk doesn't like that there's no music at the restaurant that we have our holiday party each year so Mikey is making a play list. I haven't heard from Mikey in a few days and I'm guessing with the combination of the holiday party play list, open house play list and his Share the Air blog, he's under a chair in his house holding his twitching eye. That's too much for one boy/man.

Frosty, you know who to cheer for tonight, right?

The Gav, The Hime, Pat Lawlor and Rickk are going to a Phish show this weekend. Gav and Pat actually like the band. The Hime and Rickk are just big fans of The Gav.

The Bird stopped by my office a little while ago. We're total BFF again. We talked about lowered cars and surfing, the usual chit chat.

ENTRY #1016

I'm only communicating with Frosty through my column now. Eric, try to get this guy to come out of retirement for The Clippers.

Today's Honourary Crail Canadian is Jennifer Tilly. She use to be a somewhat respected actress then she got in to poker and started dating this loser, Phil Laak.

Welcome to The Tap, Jenn.

I have too much work to do to do this right now. At least I update, right Sanger?