ENTRY #1015
11/30/06

Yesterday The Bird was telling me about some neck pain he had. I suggested he get a Thai massage. After some discussion, it was agreed that The Bird has so much tension toxins tied in knots in his body, a massage may release something in to his system that might kill him. I also thought to myself, is a relaxed The Bird really good for our street cred?

This kid dropped an application off a while back with this photo attached to it;



I almost hired him because any friend of The Mez has to be a quick mover and a pace like that makes for a great warehouse employee. But then I realized there was a sketchy guy looming in the distance. Weird Apple Trick Boy cost you the job, kid (good photo, Mez. Must have been a no-carbs month).

I think I mentioned once before that I don't change the water bottle here at Girl. Ever. If I go out there and it's empty, I just keep checking to see if someone changed it yet. Might sound kind of snobby, but years and years ago when The Goldfish video came out, I shipped them all by myself until 2 in the morning in a cold scary warehouse in Glendale. Where were Rickk, Mike and Spike you ask? I think Spike was in New York and The Bobsy Twins were in Europe. Don't think they're jerks, I think they might have called a few times to make sure I got all the videos out. Anyway, I see the water bottle as a metaphor for that big empty warehouse. I lost even myself in that one.

Frosty, even I cheered for Cuttino Mobley last night. Were you for the Grizzlies or the Clippers last night?



ENTRY #1014
11/29/06

Mez, there's nothing wrong with getting married in a bikini. My sister is about to celebrate 15 years of wedded bliss that all started in a white bikini on the Sunset Cliffs in San Diego. My mom cried for some reason when she saw the photo.

Again today, McCrank is the HONOURARY CRAIL CANADIAN. It turns out that when our server was down, he sent an email saying he couldn't wait to get back here to the Starbuck's and the chicks with his new visa. But not until he does some hippy camping crap with his Canadian buddies. See you soon, Ricky.

Sorry Frosty, I made it sound like you looked like a crazy Laker fan on this cover.




ENTRY #1013
11/28/06

Last night when I was watching The Bachelor finale, I realized I'm probably not going to ever be a princess. Bummer. But I also realized that I'm done watching The Bachelor. Once again, he picked a girl but didn't really propose like they promise all season he's going to do. He gave her the ring but said they need more time. Lame. Then they showed previews for the next season and the only interesting thing was that they found an even bigger tool to be the new bachelor.

Frosty didn't take very kindly to me mentioning he didn't cheer for The Lakers the other night at the game. He sent me an email saying, "did you notice that I didn't cheer for either team? I was too torn. The one emotion I did show was the fact that Sascha Vujacic annoys the shit out of me. I'm sure we all can agree on that."
Eric, I didn't say you cheered for The Clippers, I just had some sort of memory of a Stance cover where you and some Canadian guy looked really really really into the Lakers. That's all.

We haven't done this in a long time but we're bringing it back. Today's HONOURARY CRAIL CANADIAN is Rick McCrank. Rick needed his visa renewed so he could get back in the states and get with tons of blonde chicks with big boobs. But then his visa got Fed Ex'd to him and he didn't contact us to say he got it. Being a jerk like that isn't very Canadian of you, Rick. That's like someone going to Vancouver and not calling you. Like Rickk and Mikey did.
(Oh, you didn't know Mikey was in Vancouver, too and didn't call? Yep).

A post-it note from Rickk's desk. Don't let this brilliance out of the building;






ENTRY #1012
11/27/06

I tried to borrow $5 off of Rickk and then Mikey and both of them only had $1 in their wallet. Not very sexy. The Mez had a huge stash of cash and loaned me the money.

So the other night I went to a Laker/Clipper game and Eric wouldn't cheer for The Lakers. Is there a Stance magazine somewhere with him cheering for The Lakers? Just checking.

The Birds doing a photo shoot in our parking lot. This place is so happening.




ENTRY #1011
11/21/06

Every time I drive by the Tower Records in Torrance, I have to wonder where all those incredibly cool people are going to work when Tower closes down. It doesn't seem like there are a lot of jobs that allow you to small talk with the other incredibly cool people you work with while you totally ignore the customer. Maybe Guitar Center?

We got a letter today from a kid named Tyler that lives in Michigan. He said that Girl was his favorite company, Yeah Right his favorite video and Koston his favorite skater. Then he added, "well, favorite street skater". Nice work, Eric. We were on a winning streak with this kid and then you had to pigeon hole us.

Yesterday in an email, The Gav referred to Rickk as "The Hunkster".

Lu, you left your big bag of Nacho Dorito's on the lunch table. I saw you and Tough Guy walking back from the dairy at lunch carrying them. Busted, loser!


ENTRY #1010
11/20/06

Sir Watts sent in a victory pose. Your prize will be here today.

In case you missed it, Bush spoke in Indonesia over the weekend where he announced he didn't know if he should send more troops to Iraq at this point. Amazing. Why don't we just have Big Bird and Gary Busey travel the globe and speak on our behalf? We'd look way less retarded then we do now.

Supra Pete, you're not going to believe this but we got you a Nash bobble head for Christmas! What are the chances? We'll ship it with your next order so we don't have to worry about the freight.

Gav, look what I found on the internet. I think you told me you ate 28 of them one night. That's 2120 calories and 120 grams of fat. Yummy!


ENTRY #1009
11/17/06

The CRAIL CUTE CAT CONTEST has a winner! Sir Watts is the cutest cat on Crailtap and the entire internet. Sir Watts owner, Larson, will get a $50 gift certificate for PetSmart. I feel I should add that Sir Watts got some sympathy points after Tony told me yesterday that he lifts weights at his house in front of his cat. That cat has seen some weird shit. Congrats, Sir Watts.




Rickk called me yesterday and tried to say that Reda feels like I don't like him and Rickk feels like I am responsible for Reda feeling this way. I felt like I should clear this up. Two times Reda has made me really mad (1. Buscemi's wedding and 2) the last Girl open house) but not mad enough to not like him. And Reda's a little more annoying then your average guy from Long Island. That's all. Pretty sensitive for such a big mouthed hairy man.

If you're a hardcore snowboarder, do you buy all new gear each season? I'll let you know what I hear, Spike. Then we can decide if we should get your new snow outfit a little "distress" wash.




ENTRY #1008
11/16/06

That's awesome that OJ wrote a new book. He's a winner.

Another Gold's Gym Update packed full of diet tips for The Gav. So, the chick that teaches Yoga Butt (that really is what it's called) said she does a plan called "6 and 1". Six days out of the week she eats only fish and vegetables and doesn't drink and one day she eats whatever she wants and drinks as much as she can. Basically Gav, it would be a reversal of your "6 and 1".

Bird, did you know Tim Duncan is on Rickk's fantasy basketball team? Pretty cool.

River Joe got promoted and he's moving in to an office. One week you're in jail in Havasu, the next thing you know, a promotion. (Is this photo branded enough for you? Lakai t-shirt, Starbuck's cup but most importantly our Coke machine that we're in a contract for until 2009 (Sweet negotiating, Rickk).






ENTRY #1007
11/15/06

The CRAIL CUTE CAT CONTEST is waiting on one more entry and then we're picking a winner. I must say, it is abundantly clear, cat people don't like their cats as much as dog people like their dogs. Lame for the cat people.
It will all be over soon and we're not going to even make a slide show.

This is a Gold's Gym Update and a message to The Gav, all wrapped in one battered nugget. For a long time, The Gav has struggled with what is the proper amount of time to spend doing cardio at the gym. I told him 40 minutes and then Smyth told him that after 30 minutes, you're burning muscle. After that, The Gav said someone at the gym told him 20 minutes was fine. But last night at the gym, I got all the advice Tim needs. The lady that teaches Power Sculpt, only the best class ever invented, said, "if you eat fried foods and drink too much, don't bother with cardio at all". Problem solved, Timmy.

I was going to tell you about Lu's new tat on her knee but it's not done. The new tats on her thumbs are done and they're cool, dude.






ENTRY #1006
11/14/06

If you're in a meeting with Rickk, Eric and Mikey. This is the ranking for annoying:
1. Rickk
2. Mikey
3. Eric
Nice work Mikey. I remember the days when no one could out-annoy you.

If you were still shopping for my birthday present, I already have one of these...



Supra Pete catapulting himself up to the top of the expensive gag gift list. The receipt was in the box, Pete. Stop blowing all your loonies. (It didn't come with that helmet, I think that's Eric's).

The Mez got some new Supreme t-shirts. They look like they are size X-Large, so feel free to put them in the dryer, Mrs. The Mez.




ENTRY #1005
11/13/06

After three days of not posting and a weak post prior to that, you'd think I'd have tons of stuff for you. Wrong. Sorry.




ENTRY #1004
11/8/06

Weird logo.




ENTRY #1003
11/7/06

So yesterday The Mez sends me the cutest kitten I've ever seen and tells me someone sent it in to The Tap for the CRAIL CUTE CAT CONTEST. I can't believe how cute this cat is, so I show it to Charlene and she says, "that things been on the internet for months, that can't be an entry."
Here's a picture of The Mez, he's not a cat but he's cute. He'll tell you himself.



I suggested to one of the magazines that they give us free ads. They didn't seem interested. Weird.

The other day Larson turned in a time off form and wrote the wrong date. He wrote a date that had passed. I emailed him and asked him if he was going on his trip in a time machine since he would be going back in time. Once again I prove, no need for maturity in leadership.




ENTRY #1002
11/6/06

Mikey, call me.




ENTRY #1001
11/2/06

Like any other competition, the CRAIL CUTE CAT CONTEST gets some half ass entries. But I'm not going to be the one to tell Charlene that Hello Kitty is not a real cat so here's her entry.




One time when The Bird and I were talking about him being single (which I'm not saying he is, he could be very attached), I suggested he get a mail order bride from another country. He was very angry with me and I think we were in a 5 day silent fight over it. Our average fight is three days.
Last night when I was reading the paper there was an article about a man that went to pick up his bride in Brazil and was robbed and beaten by her real boyfriend. That would have been a disaster if that was The Bird, sorry for the bad advice.

I also read in the paper about a guy named, James Olson, the VP of Toyota in 2001 and the fuel efficiency speech he gave to the US senate. The whole time I was reading the article, I was thinking, "these people will never know what a fantastic VP truly is."






ENTRY #1000
11/1/06

Last night I went to my sisters house to pass out candy with her kid. It's good to see 12 year old girls dressed as hookers and calling each other "bitch." Bright future ahead of us, for sure.

The CRAIL CUTE CAT CONTEST runs into a few tough guys from San Diego that turn out to be not so tough when it comes to kittens. When Larson originally entered his cat, Sir Watts, he said he didn't really consider his cat cute, more handsome. But he thought about it and found this picture that shows Sir Watts knows when to pour on the cute.



Yes, he's peeking out from a white wife beater that some Orange County stripper probably just tore off of Tony.

Then there's Lee Dupont who was brash enough to send a photo of a friends cat and say "my own cat is too ugly."
Well, Lee took a stroll on some beach in Carlsbad I'm guessing and took some time to think. He realized that he was a cruel man and his cat deserved to be entered. This is Sophia.



Lee rescued her from the pound 7 years ago and the pound told him she was a kitten. Turns out she was 8 years old. I'm not sure how you disguise an 8 year old cat as a kitten. Maybe it was Halloween and they put a kitten suit on the cat? Lee?

When The Lakers win without Kobe, I'm a fan again.

There's been no poker since Schnurr left. Weird.




ENTRY #999
10/31/06

Happy Halloween and Happy Birthday to Chuck. Chuck started working here about 40 years ago as the receptionist and now she is a production person for Fourstar. Sometimes she has a potty mouth. Happy B-day, Chuck!

A few weeks ago, Larson told me he was going to be working on paintings when he wasn't at work. Must be sort of distracting to try and paint with that beer in his hand and all those Chargers fans everywhere. He's that good, I guess.


The CRAIL CUTE CAT CONTEST finally gets the type of entries we've been looking for. This entry was sent in by Lee Dupont on behalf of his friend, John. John is 36 and just got this kitten that he named Dorothy Marie.



(Please note Lee has a cat of his own that he said, "was too ugly for the contest").

Rickk got a speeding ticket in Colorado a few months back when he was on the Girl and Chocolate summer tour.
He was going over 100 mph and spent the night in jail for reckless driving. Since the ticket, two insurance companies have cancelled him and the state of Colorado has suspended Rickk's driving privilege. When asked for comment, Rickk said, "whatever." Sounds like a good strong lesson was learned.




ENTRY #998
10/30/06

Sammy, I know you acquainted me with Young Joc when I was a bit lost but now I need to understand what Sizzurp is.
Let me know.

The CRAIL CUTE CAT CONTEST finally has an entry that is cute and doesn't come in as already disqualified. This is Wade Crowchild's cat.



The Mez forwarded it to me and said Wade "use to write in a lot, did Ty's column for a bit, is Canadian and won Sam's sword in a contest." Stop treating me like I live in a bubble, Aaron.

Atiba tried to re-enter his cats, Shaq and Kobe. That's a no-no.

Last week when I showed you Lu's new ink, I spelled her name wrong. As she explained to me, I spelled it the way "a fat girl would spell it." Sorry Luisina! Lu was here an hour early this morning because she forgot to set her clock back. Not fat but not on top of current events either.




ENTRY #997
10/27/06

No entries today for The CRAIL CUTE CAT CONTEST. I figured after posting that picture of Chick I should let some time pass so you can get that precious image out of your head.

My Receptionist, Lu got yet another neck tattoo. She hid it for a while because she thought it might jeopardize her job. We use to have a strict "1 neck tat only" rule but we got rid of that years ago. Keep up the good work, Luisana.




My nephew Nate turned 5 so we fed him birthday cake and asparagus.




Someone asked me if Tough Guy Rich was really tough. You decide. He has a shirt that says "FUCK" on it and a hockey poster behind him. And all those charts he has on the bulletin boards, those are the names and weights of peoples asses he's kicked.






ENTRY #996
10/26/06

Last night at 9:22PM The Bird sent me a text message that said, "WOW". That's all, just thought you might want to know what it feels like to be The Birds close friend.

The CRAIL CUTE CAT CONTEST caught a cheater! That's not a cat, that's an incredibly cute dog. Chick, you little devil, you're not a cat! But you're cute. Why is the photo so emo? Emo EA shot it.



Did anyone else get that invitation for that party that Dave Navarro is DJing this weekend? I didn't think so.




ENTRY #995
10/25/06

I'm not too familiar with MySpace other then the fact that child predators love it and we blocked it after Podium said they had it blocked. And up until yesterday when "a friend of Girl" sent me images from the site in an email with the subject "SKETCHY." I wasn't even aware which of my very special employees had profiles up. Lu, I like that you have "I LOVE MY JOB" on your profile. Sweet strategy.

The CRAIL CUTE CAT CONTEST salutes Smokey Joe Jenkins. Smokey Joe was a great cat that use to attack little Emmet Jenkins once in a while.



Rest in Peace Smokey Joe.

We're not hockey fans yet. Tough Guy has to get tickets to the first game and then we're fans. Tough Guy? We do hate the Cannucks's, I know that much.

Our annual holiday dinner this year will have Mikey's Ipod as entertainment. Mikey, what are you doing up north, shouldn't you be stressing out on a play list?




ENTRY #994
10/24/06

Rickk, the chick you were in to that looked like a cyclops on The Bachelor got sent home last night. You're bumming.

The CRAIL CUTE CAT CONTEST has another entry that isn't disqualified going in. This is Greg Shewchuk's cat, Bodhi.



This cat is actually really cute. Not that the other entries weren't cute but they were more "good looking."

I'm sort of getting a cold. I'm not like The Mez, if I feel down, I can't be funny.




ENTRY #993
10/23/06

Yesterday was Spike's birthday but since I don't post on Sunday, he gets a belated birthday wish. Love you, Adam.

The CRAIL CUTE CAT CONTEST welcomes Lelee to our competition. Her owner is Romy, our international sales superstar.



I'm pretty sure we're looking at another disqualification. Not cool to tie your cat up with rope while you're at the office.

In a recent study, California ranked 47th in the order of smartest states. Meaning, we're 3 notches away from being the dumbest state in the Country. Arizona ranked 50th which leads me to wonder if this study was done before or after Schnurr moved. I just want to see how he tipped the scales in the event that he did.




ENTRY #992
10/20/06

If you haven't heard, Kim Jong Il came out to say that he was sorry about the nuclear tests from North Korea. His bad, so to speak. Mikey, If you took him off your MySpace top 8 before he apologized, I think it's only fair to put him back.

The CRAIL CUTE CAT CONTEST just keeps getting cuter. Today's entry comes from The Hime. This is Slayer and Metal and as with everything else The Hime owns, they're black.



I don't know a lot about these cats, but I'll go out on a limb and say they've probably had a contact high and they've definitely seen a lot of naked 19 year-old girls.

While we're on the subject of two black cats, I think I should make it known to Atiba that he's not been getting that much flattering response to his cats being "dressed up." The cats dressed up might have dinged the street cred just a touch.

I shouldn't have implied that Spike was "gay wrestling." Straight men can wrestle on the weekends for fun, right?

If you're hiking this weekend in the Santa Monica mountains and you see a stylish red Chocolate Hip Pack, chances are you ran in to Mrs. The Mez. You would never know from The Mez' feathered hair that his wife was so stylish. Now you know.




ENTRY #991
10/19/06

We're taking a company field trip to a hockey game. Well, some of us are. We were pretty annoying as basketball fans, as hockey fans even I will hate us.

The CRAIL CUTE CAT CONTEST has run in to some controversy. Yesterday after Matt Schnurr's cats were posted as the latest entry, The Mez told me that Matt gave Dinky a hand job once. It is with much sadness that we disqualify Matt and his cats from the competition. You can love your cats but you can't love them too much.
Today's entry is from Emo EA. This is Scooter and Bullet. They're cute and they're best friends.




Gav, how bummed were you last night when everyone was breaking up on Laguna Beach? This season is heart breaking.




ENTRY #990
10/18/06

The CRAIL CUTE CAT CONTEST takes a look at Matt Schnurr's pets, Jerry and Dinky. The photo is cuter then the cats. These cats were the reason poker games couldn't be held at Matt's place, Rickk has a cat alergy. Hopefully PETA won't see the video posted in The Randoms yesterday, deem him an unfit owner and take the cats.



Spike was wrestling over the weekend and bit his tongue. Something about that sounds sort of gay to me.

The Bird and I are pretty much BFF again. I think we can go until December or so like this.




ENTRY #989
10/17/06

Bon Voyage, Matt. Drive safe.
The Gav and Rickk are both probably baffled thinking who to blame poker and excessive drinking on now.

The Bird is being so mysterious.

I said the CRAIL CUTE CAT CONTEST was invite only but this guy named Justin sent this picture of his cat in and the cat is pretty cute so I figured I'd let him in the contest.


The cats name is Ashy Larry and Justin referred to the skateboard he's on as a "shred sled." Justin, why is there a jug of water on the carpet?


I have to go to a Royal meeting.




ENTRY #988
10/16/06

THE CRAIL CUTE CAT CONTEST meets another beautiful contestant. This is Larson's cat, Sir Watts, and Tony likes to think of him as "regally handsome, not cute." Just like Tony, his cat likes hot chicks and Van Halen.



That Fantasy Basketball League that Frosty, Hime, Atiba, The Gav, Ako, Rickk and others play in is about to start a new season. I wonder if Hime has gotten on the fantasy jumbotron in one of his fantasies. Probably.

Today is Boss' Day and one of my employees got me a gift. One of them.




ENTRY #987
10/13/06

The Bird and I are friends again. I had to pretend I was in jail and needed him to bail me out in order to repair things but we're good again. Thank God, the holidays are coming and he'd be lost without me.

Yesterday in a meeting with Rickk and Mikey, Rickk proved to be more annoying. It was a first that neither of them seemed very comfortable with.

THE CRAIL CUTE CAT CONTEST
has a new entry...



You might recognize the name of the owner of these cats; Atiba. He won THE CRAIL CUTE DOG CONTEST, remember? Here's his cats, Shaq and Kobe. I was just about to make fun of their names when I remembered I know someone that named their dog after a famous Laker announcer.




ENTRY #986
10/12/06

Sam, I have the same problem as you do with Halloween, only in reverse. Every year my costume is terrible, really bad. One year when I went as Carrie from the movie Carrie, you yourself, even told me that one of the Woos was a much better Carrie then I was a few years prior. That made me feel great. But this year, unlike all the other years, I have a great idea for a costume and since we're buds, I'm going to give you the idea for free. Spiderman! Blue tights, mask, done.

THE CRAIL CUTE CAT CONTEST rages on with Mike Mo's cat, Shredder...



I think Shredder is a boy so I'm not sure why he's dressed up as a princess. A very cute cat, but I think Frosty will be bummed — only because I think he had chosen that name for his first child.




ENTRY #985
10/11/06

Did you know that I had a pet pig one time that was stolen? It's true and as if it was painful enough when Chico hinted that whoever stole it might have ate it, someone hung a picture of him over the urinal in the mens room here.
I know it was The Mez. Shameful.

We won't be updating you on The Bachelor. Sorry.

The CRAIL CUTE CAT CONTEST kicks off today with it's first entry.



This is Jenkins' cat, Josephine, and a cute cat she is. She likes rubber bands and can catch mice. But I am not sure if Crail staff members can win. Can they Andy? More cute cats all week.

Oh, I'm not a Padres fan anymore. I didn't realize they were going to lose.




ENTRY #984
10/10/06

No post for three days and then an excuse that I'm too busy to post? Lame.




ENTRY #983
10/4/06

It was only a matter of time but it's time. THE CRAIL CUTE CAT CONTEST begins now! And as exclusive and snobby as our last animal competition, it's invite only, so if you randomly send your cats photo in and then don't see it in the competition, well, you get it. The winner gets a $50 gift card for PetSmart. That's enough money to get food and toys to leave your cats alone for a week, Hime.

Someone sent me an invite to some muscular training group on MySpace but since I blocked MySpace on the Girl server, I couldn't be part of that group. Sometimes I am my own worst enemy.

Without giving too much away, in Spike's email today he mentioned guns, Vin Diesel, a XXX tattoo, someone named Tits and crack. He's fine, really.

Our Padres really sucked yesterday and tomorrow they have Wells pitching for them. I was nervous because he looks like he's gained about 30 pounds but Larson told me, "he totally party's, he rules." so I guess we're fine.
I mean, that's why I hired Larson and we're a winning team, right?




ENTRY #982
10/3/06

Am I crazy or would it be a better idea to strap the FLAT DADDY'S to the side of a Hummer in Baghdad and leave the real daddy's at home?

It's only 2PM and Mikey has already settled an issue with a mail order company, planned a meeting for next week and just left his house to go skate. He's a miracle and he's our miracle.

The Bird and I are still not speaking. I guess if I had a MySpace page I could reach out to him but for now I just have to accept our distance and try and surge forward. I never realized how long the days really are.
In case you're wondering, our fight stemmed from....wow, I can't even remember.

I have to go. Larson's coming in my office to talk about art. We do that a lot around here, just talk about art.




ENTRY #981
10/2/06

I got an email from someone saying that they can tell what kind of music The Mez is into and can sort of tell what Sanger likes, but couldn't get a read on what my musical taste is. I like the good stuff, Mariah Carey and that girl that sings the theme song from the show Laguna Beach.

Lardog, sorry about that Chargers loss. Look at the bright side, it was pretty cool to see BALTIMORE going across the screen the whole game, no?
Might just be me. Actually, I was so fixated with that, I didn't even realize they were playing The Charges until I saw some big sad guys wearing blue and gold and I knew UCLA wouldn't be playing the Ravens.
We always have our Padres, the National League Champs.

The Gav's been watching the Tyra Banks show and got this great advice about food size portions. He's not eating any protein larger then the palm of his hand and only the amount of jalepeno poppers that will fit in both palms.

I have to go set up our lunch time Gamblers Anonymous meeting in the skatepark.




ENTRY #980
9/29/06

The Bird might get a new nickname, The Dick.

The screen saver in the warehouse is a collage of naked chicks. I guess guys like naked chicks. And it seems like they should get sort of nervous when I go out there but everyone acts like there's just a panda or sunset on the screen.

Yesterday Ben Colen came by and I realized without his hat on he has a full weird comic book guy haircut. He almost made me cry when he talked about leaving and driving across country. This will be one of Ben's few adventures that isn't imaginary and won't include battling fictional monsters. We'll miss you Ben, drive safe.

From the time I started typing this column, The Bird called me to try and make up so he's no longer The Dick. Well, you know what I mean.




ENTRY #979
9/28/06

Sanger, ask The Mez what that dream means, I know he dreams about me a lot.

Denny's has a new thing called the Extreme Grand Slam. That's a cool name. When Spike and I were roommates, we went to Denny's one night and I think we were drunk. Well, I'm sure he was. Anyway, I was in the restroom drying my hands off and Spike did a karate kick through the bathroom door and then kicked the hand dryer off the wall. I was mad at him for a week and he said I didn't know how to have fun. Whatever, Spike.

Staba got a new trainer. The other one was going too heavy on the old snowboard stories. My trainer snowboards, but I don't get bummed at the stories because, for me, they're a nice break from his misogynistic remarks like, "why do women take an hour to get ready to go to the beach." Neat guy.

Someone at the gym last night told me about a guy that got busted out in Yucca for having a meth lab in the back seat of his car. A mobile meth lab? You say criminal, I say genius.




ENTRY #978
9/27/06

Today in a meeting, someone referred to Bird as The Bird. I like it and am going with it. Look at the success it had for The Mez, The Hime and The Gav? You're in good company, The Bird.

I'm giving Rickk and Mikey a raise to cover the increase that Starbuck's is putting on each cup of coffee. Spike, I know you will think it isn't fair but when they raise the price of fruity smoothies at Jamba Juice, you and I will negotiate for your raise.

I went to lunch with my sister today and she noticed I got a new car that I have had for three months. Yeah, we're super close.

How long did the trucker hat fad last? Just scheduling in this whole New Era fiasco.




ENTRY #977
9/26/06

I'm a Padres fan. I think they may go all the way so I'm going to come clean with that.

Again, with Mike out of town and Rickk at the dentist most of the day, I'm short on material.

Oh, Supra Pete won 10 grand playing craps in Vegas then blew it on some watch. What a Canadian!




ENTRY #976
9/25/06

Maybe you're not an artist?

Yesterday while I was in the waiting area to get a massage, I read VIBE magazine pretty much from cover to cover. Let me know if you have any questions about DMX and his feelings on gangstas wearing flip flops.

The Mez isn't here and I haven't seen Rickk or Mikey in a few days so making fun of people is pretty limited.




ENTRY #975
9/21/06

I just wanted to let all the skate magazines know that we don't need 50 copies of each new issue. It's a nice gesture, but I hate to see all that paper go to waste each month. About half the people that work here read skate magazines and some of them share. The Desert Twins eat lunch and together and read one magazine at the same time. You might want to take a page from the folks at High Speed. They send a magazine to each person here that they know or that they deal with on any level for the ads. They don't send one to Meza, though, which I always think is kind of sad. I'm pretty sure Rickk let's him read his copy.

I guess Bird won 2K last night in a poker tournament at Supreme. Rickk said he was "really really happy." I wonder what that looks like, I've never seen that.

If you're sending your resume to a company for an opening that company has and the company isn't a whore house, you might want to leave "gangbang" out of your email address. It's a bit of a red flag. On the other hand, River Joe might be in charge of hiring one day at which point that email address will probably get you more pay.

The pain in my hip is gone but the tip of my finger is now numb. Meza. it's only a matter of time until you're submitting those time off forms to Mikey.




ENTRY #974
9/20/06

To make up for my slacker behavior and lack of updates, I present you with an Honourary Crail Canadian today.



Todays Honourary Crail Canadian is Steve Nash. Although Steve Nash was born in South Africa, he was raised in Victoria, British Columbia. His mother didn't want him to grow up in South Africa where a class of people were second class citizens. That sentiment must have really had an impression on him since he moved to the good ol' USA where we treat everyone equally. Steve is a two time MVP and a member of the Phoenix Suns. He also is apparently not afraid of germs on any level as he licks his fingers during NBA games after handling a ball that has been handled by other people that are sweating and have bounced the ball on a floor that is walked on with dirty sneakers. Welcome to The Tap, Steve.

Last weekend while Rickk and Mike were doing upside down beer bongs, Kenny was having a huge garage sale with his entire neighborhood. Good thing I decided to not try to pick on him in replacement of picking on Spike. That would have been a chore.

Ben Colen is moving to the east coast. He's claiming girlfriend, I'm betting a few internet buddies that he's traded spells with have a room for rent in the basement. It's your choice, Ben. If you feel like being able to go to 7-11 without hiding your sword and cloak in the trunk is worth more then your real friends, then you go ahead and move.
And Meza, stop making us be friends with people that aren't here for the long haul. It's painful.

And lastly, should I buy new black boots or is this global warming going to make it so hot that we aren't ever going to able to wear our winter fashion?




ENTRY #973
9/18/06

Today is my sister's birthday, Happy Birthday, Sue.

I saw Ben Colen trying to tell someone that the whole D&D thing was a bunch of crap then he slipped and said his real dream in life was to be a comic book artist. Nice going, Ben. Everyone knows that you get locked in to D&D through a bad comic book habit.
A good wizard would embrace his passions in life.

I have to go work, I would post a photo of the papers on my desk but then you'd see how much we have in our 401K's.




ENTRY #972
9/14/06

Yesterday I realized after I called that guy that backed in to my car a gnome, Cliver's kid loves gnomes. And I'm his secondary guardian sort of person. I meant to call the guy a jackass, Emmerson. Sorry about that.

Guess who said they don't wake up every day feeling like they're not backing something? That's right. Plus, I think I hurt his feelings yesterday when I questioned his ability to not back things.I can switch a feature just as fast as The Mez can change the name of a tour after posters are made and the teams on the road.
It's now called DOES THIS MAKE YOU MAD, BIRD. What about messages on the ass of sweats?



It's now official, we're going to have a CrailTap talent show. Jenkins is going to do something that involves face paint and a black leotard and it's not a Kiss cover band. Larson is going to do something with strippers. Lewman's hosting but doesn't know unless he's checked this column. I'll keep you posted.




ENTRY #971
9/13/06

Bird, when I stole this idea from The Mez I expected fireworks. Sorry Kel but you're about to lose this slot to a new feature* if you don't step it up.
He's mad at the stuff we've all just accepted, here's WHAT BIRD'S NOT BACKING;

These hyper bluetooth ear pieces that everyone wears now...



When I was growing up, if you had something like this in your ear, you were likely riding the short bus to school. 20 years later, it’s still a borderline retarded look if you ask me.

The funny thing is, before I opened the attachment, I thought the photo was for sure going to be of Schnurr. I know he wears one of those.

(*If Bird doesn't come through and we are forced to fire his feature, the new feature is called I'M NOT BLUFFING. It's a daily post of the excuses these guys give their significant other when they "have to" go play poker. Gav, you better hope Bird steps it up, you have some of the more awesome ones.)

Today at lunch this "man" in a big white king cab truck backed into my car. Then he got out of his car and said, "you should put an antenna or something on that thing." I thought about the high road and just getting his insurance information, but I went with the smart remark instead. I guess short men don't like being called an "ignorant fucking gnome" in front of their construction co-captain.

I called The Mez "an employee" a few minutes ago. He looked shocked.




ENTRY #970
9/12/06

I'm not backing Bird because he came in to show me the actual thing that he's not backing. Well, let's get this out of the way, WHAT BIRD'S NOT BACKING;

Earlobe zits. I don’t think this requires much explanation. I thought an “inside the nose” zit was bad, but how the fuck does the “lobe zit” happen? Am I the only one?


He came in my office and showed it to me and said, "this is what it looks like after it's popped". I told him I thought it was probably air born herpes but he said you get that in your throat.

I've had this pain in my hip for three days. I've run the gamut of things it could be. Right now I'm settled at bone cancer. Yesterday I thought I pulled a hamstring. Mikey, practice my signature just in case it's the bone cancer. Oh, and for most things, my password is "MIKESAWESOME".

We have a company first: The Mez is stressed.

How about those Chargers last night? Larson got me a jersey to wear when they play so I did what all the SD chicks do with a jersey: I cropped and fringed the bottom of it. Looks great with tight white jeans.




ENTRY #969
9/11/06

Yesterday when I was talking to Bird, he called someone a "cocksucker." He's awesome. Sometimes. But let's get back to business, WHAT BIRD'S NOT BACKING;

Families who feel compelled to inventory all members on the rear window of their mini-van or SUV...



I might argue this to be the dumbest phenomena ever.

I think it takes a sound and secure family to admit they like the pets more then the newborn. That's just me, Bird. I like their courage.

Saturday I vibed Tough Guy by telling him he was shaming his good family name by not attending the company camping trip. The next correspondence I got was him asking me if there was room in any of the cabins so that he and his girlfriend could attend. Sometimes you have to vibe.

Rickk ate at some fish grill and now has diarrhea. He also wore a t-shirt today that he felt was a little too hip for his style. Runny butt and bad fashion. Comfort him Mez, you've been there a million times.




ENTRY #968
9/8/06

If you think The Tap doesn't save lives, then why has Lu said "you're welcome," twice today? Supra Pete, you're fired.

I thought about changing this little feature to MY CRAZY FRIEND, BIRD but we can keep it at what BIRD'S NOT BACKING;

ABC’s upcoming FICTIONAL interpretation of the 9/11 Commission Report. Didn’t know Cheney and Rove were in charge of programming at ABC too. Remember the word fiction people, means it’s not true (like that other book neo-cons are so into).

Bird, in light of my new friendship with two staunch Republicans, you haven't seen the movie yet. Might be a very accurate portrayal of events. Just like that book you speak of, you hippy freak.
(And Rickk explained that whole TI thing to me yesterday, boring!).

And what MJ'S BACKING (even though he wants to change the name of this feature to POINT/COUNTERPOINT) ;

Marvin Gaye.
Oban Scotch.
Howard Selects in brown.
Danny Way.
Airs.
Stella Artois.
Pinot Noir.
Johnny Cash.
Everything about 1995.
Astronomy.


Gav, Burger King has a new side order called Cheesey Tots. I think you have enough snack experience on your resume to know what this little delight consists of. You're welcome.

Can you wear a Chocolate Hip Pack while you do yoga and burn carbs? Of course you can or The Mez would be wearing some other sort of totally functional brining hot trend.






ENTRY #967
9/7/06

I thought for sure Bird was going to go off on how to properly dress for a wedding, but instead he's pissed about some other stuff. Bird, what about all that shit you talked on improper wedding attire? Use that for tomorrow?

Here's what BIRD'S NOT BACKING;
TI as the “King of the South.” Yesterday at lunch, Sam explained to me the protocol that allowed this to happen, and even though Scarface gave it the nod, I’m still not backing it.

I don't know who TI is but I did see Scarface years ago and I don't remember him talking about anyone being King of The South. Must be a skate reference.

Tough Guy Rich had some tortilla chips with a special Swedish salsa on them. Yuk. Or yum, depending on what you're in to.

Our receptionist, Lu is now called My Receptionist, Lu. So My Receptionist, Lu, likes to say "yep" or "yea" when you say "thank you" instead of responding with "you're welcome." More then one person has complained. Including Supra Pete. I didn't have the energy to tell her and I needed some filler, so I decided to do what The Mez would do and use my column. Lu, you've been warned, it's time to be polite, now go get a tattoo (sorry to sell you out, Pete).

Spoke to The Gav this morning. He was going to pick up the "loop" for the trade show booth and play golf with Frosty. Then, once in San Diego, he has a motocross event to go to on Saturday, then maybe some wakeboarding on Sunday. My heart is racing just telling you about his itinerary.




ENTRY #966
9/6/06

I hope Bird doesn't turn out to have a foot fetish. No one's going to be interested in what an asshole he is if he has some weird perversion, they'll just be in to the weird perversion. Either way, here's what BIRD'S NOT BACKING;

People who don’t know what size sandals/ flip-flops they wear. If you’re toes curl over the front of said footwear when you walk, your ornate pedicure/ toenail fungus is even more annoying. You’d look better barefoot, seriously.

And guess who came out of the mountains like a spring breeze to let us know what they WERE BACKING? MJ!
Here's a possible one time feature/possible regular addition to this column that we call,
MJ'S BACKING IT:

1. Robert Plant taking a breath before he starts singing "Going To California"
2. Darts
3. Taking the cold-plunge every morning out on the deck (it's got eucalyptus salts in it)
4. Getting naked at random times
5. Dogs and cats from rescue shelters. God bless the animal lovers
6. Laying down the card and taking my woman shopping. Watching her try on panties and eating a sandwich.
7. Riding for Chocolate.



My nephew, Nate, not only knows that two thumbs up are the international symbol for cool, he knows how to accessorize his hips...



...the Chocolate Hip Pack, great for holding the Gummi Bears you made your aunt buy to let her take your photo.




ENTRY #965
9/5/06

Do you send out a press release when you get new best friends? Just checking.

I hope my dear friend Kelly didn't end up with some random chick's feet near his face but it doesn't sound good when you take a look at what BIRD'S NOT BACKING;

Overly ornate pedicures. They’re feet ladies, not Christmas trees, relax.

The Chocolate Hip Pack isn't just for skateboard enthusiasts! Are you nuts? Total motocross guys love them.



Even when it means you have to put 78 things on instead of 77 just to go motorcycle riding. BD modeling what I can only imagine Carey Hart is going to be ordering, The Chocolate Hip Pack.


I fired Smyth on Saturday night and he still showed up to work today. That type of persistence is going to get someone a promotion.




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