Real World Sydney, Episode 21, 22, & 23
Hey hey, happy holidays, people. I’ve been in my own little “real world” for sec. I turned on my Tivo just after New Years to find three unwatched episodes of MTV’s finest. It was truly Christmas all over again. Dunbar’s a freakin’ lunatic. He’s screaming at everyone, ready to bite their heads off, over the “expresso” machine. BA hates/loves when people call espresso expresso. It’s something to laugh about when you’re visiting a Starbucks in Durham, North Carolina. Some how Dunbar thinks he’s a good guy. He’s a dick. All he’s got going for him is that killer first impression. KellyAnne, Ashli and Parisa could have blazed him the first five minutes they met. Now they wouldn’t puke in his face if it were on fire. They broke the roomies down into two groups at Contiki, and pit them against each other, to devise the best day-trip of Sydney. Winning team gets a free trip to Europe. Obviously if you’re not on Isaac’s team, you’re fucked. Dude seems hella fun, right? Cutty jumped off some shit and sprained his ankle, which left Dunbar’s team short one man. Not like it makes a difference. Isaac wrote a fucking rap for the tour bus. It killed. The best move Dunbar’s team had was KellyAnne shotgunned a bowl of marinara. As awesome as that was, Dunbar got psycho on a member of his group, destroying any glimmer of hope. Ashli, Parisa and Isaac are Europe bound. Cutty and KellyAnne are so rad together. Best couple since Juno and the Superbad kid. All Noirin wants to do is party and pork. Isaac’s considering a long haul with this broad but just isn’t sure. So he tells the other girls in the house that he has two kids back home. Even though he tells them not to tell Noirin, he knows that they will. And when they did, Noirin was still into Isaac. Meaning she must be up for setting down. Happily, there are no kids. It was just a test. And it worked. Big surprise, who wouldn’t want Isaac’s babies?—Smyth
Real World Sydney, Episode 20
Kelly and Cutty have sexy, make oopsy in Kelly’s cooter. Some red-hot redneck love was going down and the condom gave out on ‘em. Nascar must have been on the TV; Cutty got his RPMs all jacked up, and he burned the rubber clean off. Talks of a shotgun wedding commenced immediately. I don’t know if Dunbar doesn’t think he was taped blazin’ Ashli, or she wasn’t filmed talking about it in an email, but he’s still trying play like it was just spooning. Which is, may I repeat myself, worse than fuckin’ in a sensitive woman’s eyes. I think the house needs a visit from Ausi legend Chopper Read. He could kick the door down and take Dunbar’s head off with a sawed off shotgun. Maybe kidnap Parisa, take to the outback for a sex slave. She’d love it. Whatever. The hillbillies aren’t reproducing just yet. KellyAnne got a visit from Cap’n Bloodsnach. I hope Isaac imports Noirin back to the states, so she can get a proper weave. She’d be the bomb without those itchy braids.—Smyth
Real World Sydney, Episode 19
Is it the Christmas spirit in me, or could Isaac be Jesus Christ, resurrected? Is Isaac a biblical name? Did he pilgrimage to Florida before rising up to soothe the tortured souls in the house? KellyAnne still harbored all this anger towards Parisa for ejecting Trisa. But Isaac swept away the fog that clouded her judgment. He said, “Child, what was it you so cherished about Trisha?” KellyAnne said, “She was fun to party with.” Isaac spoke softly, “That is where you are mistaken my child, she was not fun to party with, I partied with her.” And with that, peace was restored. The roomies rejoiced, and baptized in the bubbly hot tub. Isaac walked on the water of the fish tank, wearing only the suit God gave him. Parisa cleansed her soul in a murky fountain. And then Dunbar fucked Ashli. Oh, the Devil will soon have his day.—Smyth
Real World Sydney, Episode 18
What does a fat bitch call another fat bitch? Fat bitch I guess. Cuntrisha and Parisa both let that one fly in a barrage of insults hurled at one another. Parisa knew she was holding Trisha’s ticket home, because of Trisha’s physical aggression violation. Parisa said she’d let herself cool down before making a decision. Looked like she took two minutes, or long enough to cook some French toast, before calling a house meeting. Even though the rest of the house encouraged her to turn the other cheek, just as her mom, Gandhi, had suggested, Parisa served Cuntrisha her walking papers. KellyAnne vowed to make Parisa’s life a living hell for sending her dumb ass friend home. The Contiki teams were shuffled because of the shrinking cast. Just when things got hot, the spit flew, and Parisa believed she was living in a hell of KellyAnne’s design, Dunbar told her she made the right decision, and a ray of sunshine beamed upon her fat ass.—Smyth
Real World Sydney, Episode 17
Trisha and Parisa’s battles over phone usage have reached a boiling point. Trisha=Cunt2=X. Parisa’s mom advised her to turn the other cheek. Could her mom be Gandhi? She talks like Gandhi. Dunbar’s girlfriend thought of an awesome nickname for him, Dummy Bear. She loved it, Dummy didn’t. And while she giggled her ass off, veins popped out of Dunbar’s head, he turned beet red, and I got really scared for his girlfriend’s safety. Then I remembered she’s only on the phone, back in the USA. I feel okay now, but I think she might get a proper beating when he gets home. Ashli is creating a boiling point of her own, in Dunbar’s pants. He wants to keep it real with baby back home, but he can’t take any more and jumps into bed with Ashli for a serious snuggle party. Here’s where I have some news that will be extremely upsetting for Dummy. You should have just boned her. Any girl will tell you, spooning is worse. Sounds backwards, I know, such is women. As phone wars ensue, Parisa stoops to Trisha’s level. Parisa=X. Trisha stampedes the hallway, gives Parisa a weak ass push, and Dumpty tips right over. We’ll have to see next week if Trisha gets sent home on a technicality.—Smyth
Real World Sydney, Episode 16
Holy shit, Real World producers. Can you turn up the awesome any? Doubt it. Shit’s at a 10 right now. Fuckin’ CGI blackbirds flying around the house? Damn. Set it off with Isaac writing a cryptic note on the fridge, “faxed myself to China”, signed, “Dr Hip-hop”. Then they Tarantino it on us, and go, “two days earlier”. Now Isaac’s talking about his acid flashbacks, how if he sees blackbirds he knows someone’s dead. CGI blackbird comes swooping down on the kitchen counter, Isaac bugs out. Dunbar and Ashli are getting their flirt on. How sickening does that shit look from the outside? Wanna puke right? Sho nuff, Isaac’s grandfather bit the big one. He had to go home for the funeral. Hold ya head, dog!—Smyth
Real World Sydney, Episode 15
Welcome Ashli, 19, from Huntington Beach. I know what you’re thinking. Too young, she can’t drink, certified dud. But this isn’t Key West my friends, and her names not Svetlana. 19 is legal tender Downunder, parents be damned. Douchebar kills it on the first-impressions. Like KellyAnne did, Ashli digs him right off the bat. Give him a minute, he’ll blow it. Isaac’s been chillin’ with Noirin, an Ausi redbone with dookie braids down to her butt. He finds her “turbo mega sexy”, and I think that’s swell. Megan told me I might see something in this episode that would make me question my across-the-board approval of Isaac. Was it the blue track-suite top, shirtless, with silver necklace? Harsh, completely off-putting, but not enough to break the bond. We are kindred spirits.—Smyth
Real World Sydney, Episode 14
KellyAnne’s driving herself nuts, talking to her ex, but crushing hard on Cohutta. Cutty’s one cool cat though. He’ll let her tug little bit longer, then reel her in, stuff and mount her. But he shouldn’t wait too long. I can’t see this flame burning past the show. Cutty might be too hillbilly for KellyAnne to bring home to Texas. Could there an inner cultural prejudice amongst rednecks, like light and dark skinned African Americans? Shauvon’s wrapping those big jugs in Juicy velour and heading home with her fake Fendi’s on. See the Great Barrier Reef, or Sac Town with the verbally abusive fiancé? Hmmm. She must love Sac twice as much as Beebs, or be twice as insecure as she lets on. As Frasier might say, I presume the latter. Parisa’s not a slut, she just a dork. These girls’ code of conduct is all new to me. You can’t talk to a guy your friend has danced with? I must have sparked more cat fights than I was aware of.—Smyth
Real World Sydney, Episode 13
Shauvon’s man really wants her to come home, reconcile, and get married like they planned. But Shauvon is having a tough time deciding. She could go home and live happily ever after, or she could stay in Sydney, slut it up a bit, and take her chances with her fiancé. I hope she gets an STD and gives it to him. They both deserve it. Parisa and Dunbar’s spats have reached a new high. Parisa hopes a visit from his girlfriend Julie will calm Dunbar down. And it does, but when Julie leaves, Dunbar goes right back to treating Parisa like the redheaded stepchild. Oh wise Isaac, he sees a deeper meaning in their bickering. “It’s sexual tension,” he proclaims, while he sports OR scrubs and a surgical mask. He must be on to something.—Smyth
Real World Sydney, Episode 11 & 12
That’s right, it was a continuation, so I’m smashin’ both together. A blonde bombshell went off in the house, and it nearly blew Parisa to bits. Shauvon and Trisha combined their bitch powers, on a mission to assassinate Parisa’s character. They think she’s been putting the bros before the hoes. Guess them hoes want her to make them grilled cheeses too. Well, Cutty don’t play when it comes to his grilled cheese. And he’s ready to fight or flee before he gives up one tasty morsel. Shauvon was so hungry she whipped a glass at his head. Cutty ducked, guarded the sandwich, and retreated to his room to enjoy the buttery, crispy, delicacy. Trisha and Parisa went head up. In the most literal terms available, Parisa told Trisha she needed “dick in her pussy”. Interesting they claim all the tension in the house stems from sexual frustration. She went on to comment on her “fake hair”, “nasty ass body” and how none of the boys like her. Trisha confronted Dunbar, and he gave her the “Trisha’s Trisha”. If you didn’t know, that’s how you say someone’s a cunt without actually saying it, just repeat their name twice when asked what you think of them. Shauvon went out and got some Ausi body all up on her US made fake breasteses. Of course she woke up in the morning and regretted the whole thing. Trisha claims she’s done slutting it up too. Both are dying to get their x’s back. Looks like it just might happen for Shauvon, if she leaves the show for him. I hope Trisha gets dissed. Cunt.—Smyth
Real World Sydney, Episode 10
Locals on a tear! Aus Alex stole the staring roll in this episode. Why him? I’m sure this goof is a certified no-body about town. Writing poetry to two girls in the house has made him a hot commodity. And even though she’s got a man, Trisha is trying to monopolize the roo meat. Parisa’s over there withering from lack of attention, this guy drops a little rain, she’s at half bloom, and Trisha wants to stomp her back in the dirt. Trisha’s wack. I hope Alex makes sweet love to Parisa, one passionate evening, then slinks on over to Trisha’s room and does her dirty. He’ll peace ’em both out and be the King of King’s Cross till next RW season. And on the really real, those blonde broads are 6s on their best day. The truth stings, don’t it?—Smyth
Real World Sydney, Episode 9
Well I’ll be, the official title is Gay Mardi Gras. Crampy confirmed it. Not very creative is it? Not like the gays at all. Fat Gay Tuesday? Doesn’t make sense. They’re all so fit. Another shocker Crampy laid on me, I involuntarily attended this event in 05 on a Chocolate tour through OZ. I thought the catcalls at the hotel pool a bit inappropriate. But I’m hot, so I let it slide. Type of shit I got to deal with, you know? Still, more exciting than this week’s episode of the Real World. Trisha and Dunbar talked shit about Parisa’s less than harmonious singing in the shower. Then Trisha told Parisa about said shit talking, but conveniently left her own name out of it, creating a rift between the guys and girls. My man Isaac is pissed because he just doesn’t want Parisa to stop making midnight snacks, a habit to which the boys have grown quite accustom. Whether it’s her mouth or her driving, Trisa’s putting that whole house in peril.—Smyth
Real World Sydney, Episode 8
Gay Mardi Gras hits Sydney! I’ll have to check with Crampy, but I don’t think that’s the official title of the parade. Whatever it’s called, it’s got the house in turmoil. Trisha received one of her dad’s sermons via email, that made her question the morals she been keeping since she left home. I mean, just minutes before the email arrived she considered letting Cutty administer a pool cue in her backside. Not very preacher’s daughter indeed. In her fragile state, Trisha went for a walk, only to catch the Holy Ghost from an evangelical street performer. I know I once stared at a guy doing the robot on top of a milk crate for like 45 minutes, but I’m pretty sure I was on something. All the roomies that weren’t uptight, homophobic or racist hit that parade with a fierceness I haven’t witnessed since I figured out how to avoid SF’s gay parade by taking the J Church to 22nd and then walking up to my house. Parisa had such a blast, she said it was worth the stoning she might get from the Muslim community. Dunbar’s inner gay came bubble to the top. As everyone gawked at an elderly man in leather garb, Dunbar took that opportunity to tell everyone he was molested by his grandfather. It’s really not his fault he’s a douche. Isaac was gay for the day, and I still think he’s killing it.—Smyth
Real World Sydney, Episode 7
KellyAnne is getting real goofy with her Cutty crush. Why resist? Blow him and chill out. She went on a date with a local boy, only to make Cohutta jealous I’m sure. I know the Ringer is keeping up with the show. How blown away were you with that Aussie’s V-neck and blazer combo? And that was a deep V. Think I might have seen belly button. Dunbar’s a huge dork bomb of aggression. Isaac thinks it’s because he hasn’t beat his meat since he arrived in OZ. Not a bad diagnosis, Isaac. But he’s really just a dick because his dad beat the shit out him. Alcoholics, quit givin’ us a bad name by beating your kids! This is the kind of dip-shit you’re raising. After dropping $227 on dinner with KellyAnne, and getting dissed on the kiss, V-neck boy just might have been the first to pay his way to a cameo on the Real World.—Smyth
Real World Sydney, Episode 6
The little slut never mentioned it before, but KellyAnne’s got a “dick in glass” she’s been holding on to back home. Remember that one? Chris Rock said every girl has a dick in glass, “break in case of emergency”. So fuckin’ true. Well, every other girl in the house peaced their men out, so she fallowed suit and dropped that chump like a physics class. These ladies need Roo meat. But they can’t get out of the damn house. KellyAnne is falling hard for the hick, and his accent. She doesn’t realize that right outside that door, every guy comes stock with one of my favorite accents on this planet. Fack yee, mate. Shauvon got so drunk she cried. Some shit happened where Isaac dropped her on her ass, but really she cried because she was so drunk. I’ve witnessed a couple cases like this myself. It’s mostly only girls who are this fragile. I’ve seen it happen to a guy, and it’s fuckin’ spooky. But thank god they brought the drama. I was getting ready to say I preferred that American Eagle commercial/show better. Drunk blondes though. Never fails. Isaac’s pretty sick too.—Smyth
Real World Sydney, Episode 5
Parisa is struggling with being the ugly duckling in the house. And Ryan has to celebrate two Christmases and two birthdays. Life's rough. Ya know? I guess at NYU Parisa was amongst the marginally hot brainiacks. Distraught, she hit the studio to lay down a track. Bet it's John Blaze. As if he reveled a well-guarded secret, soon as Dunbar acknowledged her flirtations, an appalled KellyAnne quickly projected her cock-teasing on to Cohutta. That lovable hick is playing it cool at the moment, but a man can only take so much blue nuts. And when he snaps, she'll be like, "Gross, he thought I really liked him?" Chicks are the fucking worst.—Smyth
Real World Sydney, Episode 4
Sexual tension is runnin’ hot in OZ. Dunbar’s found himself in a bit of a love triangle. Or maybe it’s a love square, if you include his girlfriend back home. KellyAnne and Parisa are gunnin’ for Dun. Unfortunately for Parisa, she’s not as hot as KellyAnne, and Dunbar’s just not as welcoming to her advances. Parisa’s like the runt of the litter, not getting a position at the teat. She’ll soon die from lack of attention. Ryan is desperately trying to win back Cambria, but she’s gonna roll with the homie Mitch. First his parents divorced, now dissed by his special lady. If only life were as easy as a 360 flip lipslide down a contest rail. The boys hit the town dawned in their native hillbilly garb. Some how, shirtless with overalls worked. They met some fine ladies from Ireland and Isaac got lucky. Get it, luck of the Irish? He made the joke, not me. Best part was, he was able to check off #7 on the list he pinned to the fridge, “PIMP HARDER”. Form your lips to Gods ears, Isaac. I think you just rewrote the 7th commandment.—Smyth
Real World Sydney, Episode 3
After a sneaky hook-up with Isaac the night before, Shauvon redefined her mission of the day – hook up with an Aussie boy, they’ve got Americans back home. Ouch, not a feather in Isaacs cap. One of my most favorite peeves, is how fast they profess their love for one another on this show. Extra cringe factor for using the phrase “I love you to death”. Sho nuff, episode 2, Cohutta tells Parisa he loves her, while she was hooped off red wine. I’m all for loving everyone, but how about you take a couple days to make sure they’re not a Nazi? Dunbar “fireman carried” Parisa back to the house, after she went face down harbor side. If you’ve ever been to Darling Harbor, you might be asking yourself this, “Do they live in the gift shop?” Parisa ain’t God and Trisha’s not 2Pac, and only God can judge them now.—Smyth
Real World Sydney, Episode 1 & 2
Awe, fuck yee, mate. Ree Wood Down Unda, mate. Sounds amazing already doesn’t it? Well let me spoil it for you, before the introductions. There’s not one bloody Aussie roomie on the show! So now that they’ve blown a surefire smash, whom have they got to offer? A couple Northern Cali babes, Trisha from Fresno, and Shauvon from Sac. Trisha sports a chastity belt in the form of a promise-ring given to her by her parents. She’ll be soiled by episode five. Shauvon hauls around a massive pair of fake hooters. Seeing how she’s from Sac, I’d be surprised if Biebel hasn’t brunskied those already. I know Isaac’s dying to. He’s from Cleveland, and potentially a complete psychopath, or maybe just a douche. He got pinched robbing some houses, and now he’s all deep and troubled, looking for a “new beginning”. Typical bored rich kid shit. They drug the swamp and came up with two genuine hillbillies, with names to match, Dunbar and Cohutta. They’re from little butt-fuck towns that you’ve never heard of. You won’t hear of them here, so you’ll probably never hear of them in your life. Cohutta is an eager beaver who builds log cabins, and I think he’s TV gold. Dunbar’s playing saint, with the girlfriend back home deal. But Texas bread party chick, Kelly Anne is going to make that difficult. The way she’s sweatin’ him, it won’t be long before he gives in to temptation. Kelly Anne’s the one I’d trow a bone, if you’re askin’. And because every season needs one, the square bitch is Parisa. It’s going to be the age-old battle of brains versus blondes, between her and other broads. Sparks are flaring already. So stay tuned. Oh yeah, after thirty years of Tuesday’s at 10pm, they switched it to Wednesdays. Be careful. If you miss it, it’s only on about thirty-five more times during the week.—Smyth