Reunited: Real World Las Vegas, Episode 7

So the season is over and I hardly care. I actually thought you wouldn’t notice if I didn’t cover this last episode, but someone called me out. Plus I couldn’t help but report on quite possibly the most awesome thing of this season, bees swarmed the pool! Brynn got stung, and roomies had to evacuate their last pool session. No more tan time for Trish. The next time she tints her pasty-white bod, will be with the bitches at Sunset Tan. Rather than five months, this time round, the cast spent two weeks in the Real World Suite of the Palms Hotel. The plus sides to that were, Frank didn’t have time to sober up, and I didn’t have time to get emotionally involved. No tears were shed at this farewell. Eyes were dry, but my chops are wet with the thought of Real World Sidney. Those Aussies got something I like. The men are macho, and the women tend to be bikini-ready year round. The perfect recipe? We’ll see.—Smyth

 

Reunited: Real World Las Vegas, Episode 6

This episode kicked off with the boys getting buddy-buddy around the pool, and Brynn getting a go-go flash back. Alton, Steve, and Frank are happy that they’ll be walking away from this experience with a bond they lacked when the show broke five years ago. Brynn longed to get her boogie on. Having kids sucks for some people. The roomies’ mission of the day was a gamble off. They were all given a G, to try their hand at any game they chose. The one with the most winnings got everybody’s remaining bread. Since Alton didn’t know how to gamble, he said, “Let’s just split all the cash, whoever wins”. Homie must have bills to pay, right? Steven said, “Where’s the fun in that?” And Adolf… I mean Alton, told him to quit being “Jewish.” Thrifty, but not actually Jewish, Steven took offense. After two hours of HPA (Heart Pumping Action), as we call it around The Plant, most everyone was bust. Steven had the most dough left, and took the pot. He snubbed Alton, but more surprisingly, split the cash with Brynn, proving he’s not Jewish! Thank you Real World for shattering those negative stereotypes.—Smyth

Reunited: Real World Las Vegas, Episode 5

Frank, cast of one, is killing it. He’s runnin’ chubby bunnies, busted chicks, the whole kit. No shame in this man’s game. I love it. Brynn’s crying about diapers, while Frank’s blazing bitches in the hallway. He’s even got Trishelle trying to find him a date, as if he’s not already crushing too much tail. Perhaps he’s shooting for permanent residence in the Hef Suite. Irulan, Arissa, where you at? Bone Frank or go home!—Smyth

Reunited: Real World Las Vegas, Episode 4

Arissa is so fucking grown. She’s just another speed bump in the way of Frank’s party train. Arissa and Irulan got their own rooms because they couldn’t hang with how awesome Frank was getting. Unfortunately for all of us, the past five years haven’t been kind to these two. And we’re forced to watch, while they realize that they didn’t use their fist Real World appearance to their advantage, and this one is doing them more harm than good. Alton parlayed his RW debut into many “MTV Challenge” shows, as Trishelle used her celebreality status to score the staring role in “Ninja Cheerleaders”, which I haven’t seen, but just sounds like it’s going to be a blockbuster. Arissa let her floppy discs hang in the pages of Playboy, and Irulan made an appearance at my house, but besides that, they’re the same crabby bitches they would’ve been without the Real World. I’m hard pressed to believe a second time around is going to do much else but further sour their already bitter souls.—Smyth

Reunited: Real World Las Vegas, Episode 3

Like me and my buds trying to relive our Tenderloin tour of ’95, these bitter ex-roomies are digging deep to find the magic they used to have. Trishelle followed through with the bachelorette party for Brynn idea. But after Brynn was force-fed five lappies, four guys and a girl, and Thrishelle gave a poll-dance instruction that left much to be desired, that was it. The boy’s version wasn’t doing too dope either. I guess someone’s hot idea for a bachelor party was to have a four on four game of hoops with four busted broads. After the boys smoked ’em, the girls left, and they just sat around with their shirts off and got fucked up. When the bachelorette bash met the bachelor party, shit got even lamer. The boys were too immature for the ladies, and the bitches too sour for the dudes. Frank gleeked off the balcony on to Irulan. Irulan mistook gleek for spit, typical chick move, and got thoroughly pissed. She chased Frank around the apartment until scrubbing royally, and bashing her knee. Irulan told everyone to grow up and begged the producers to let her go home. Somehow Frank had slipped away for a while and returned, sloppy drunk, with a girl straddling him in the hallway. They took shots and smashed the glasses on the kitchen floor. This dude came to fucking party. Give Frank his own show. All you grumpy fuckers are just getting in the way.—Smyth

Reunited: Real World Las Vegas, Episode 2

So the fight picks up where it left off, Arissa screaming at Alton, her eyes burning a hole into his soul. Alton aint fessin’. Why would he? He got caught on tape, talking about having a threesome, and he still denies it to this day. Brynn, holy shit, let’s just call her Speed Bump. Everyone was chillin’ by the pool, gettin’ their drink on, and this bitch brought her baby. She had the nerve to say, “Trishelle needs to eat.” Bitch, she’s trying to look hot by the pool. Bring your baby upstairs and pump some breast milk. Steven got hyphy and dragged a sunbathing girl, chaise lounge and all, into the pool. Although hilarious, he was later banned from the entire pool area. That’s good to know the consequence for that, because that totally sounds like something my friends would do. The roomies were assigned to three separate dinner reservations. Alton was set to eat with Irulan, obviously to stir things up. Irulan freaked out, started to cry, said it’s not fair to her boyfriend. She said, “I have a real life at home.” Well, your real life must suck hard if you’re back to living it on TV, with the rest of these losers. They switched dates. Brynn and Trishelle got to hash out their differences. It basically came out that Brynn was jealous of everyone because they enjoyed their (sub) celebrity, while she jumped straight into poopy diapers. Alton and Arissa decide to put their differences aside for the sake of the house. We’ll see how long that lasts. Frank’s persistent nagging got Steven’s pool privileges reinstated. Should be more drunken antics from those two meat lumps to come.—Smyth

Reunited: Real World Las Vegas, Episode 1

I have a really bad habit of trying to relive a good thing. One Friday night, about 12 years ago, there wasn’t shit going on in The City. No house parties, keggers, or poppin’ bars to stand out in front of. Carroll, Lee, Shelby and myself entertained ourselves by driving around the Tenderloin in Mike’s Honda Accord. In those days, O’Farrell street, between Leavenworth and Jones, was the ho stroll, or ho stro’ if you will. While there might not have been much going on by way of house parties, the block was hot with pimps, hos, and tricks. Till the wee hours of the morning, we did figure eights around the hood, marveling at the real life drama. It was one of the most memorable nights of my youth. We all had so much fun, we had to do it again the very next Friday. Guess what? It sucked. We had no idea why, but the magic wasn’t there. We were hoping for too much. And that story’s played on for me. I’ve repeatedly tried to recapture shining moments in my life, only to be disappointed. With that said, here I am again, with the cast and city that started it all for me, Real World Vegas, Reunited. Steven seems to have changed the least. There’s a good chance he’s just back to blaze Trishelle again, post Playboy layout. Brynn’s quit partying, and settled down with two kids. Something tells me she’ll have even less to offer than her first appearance. Frank’s aversion to fun and his disgusting crush on Trishelle proved him to be one of the most boring roomies last time round. But after he nailed a chick first night, looks like he’s come out of his shell, and earned his second chance. The true drama began when the bosom buddies formally known as “The Trinity”, Alton, Irulan, and Arissa, collided. When I met Alton and Irulan, in Irulan’s new Jetta, on their way to the beach, Alton half in the bag on JD, I thought, “There’s no better bond than one formed on TV. This will last forever,” Can you believe I was wrong? Three short years later, they split, and one of the deciding factors was a said rendezvous between Alton and Arissa in a bathroom in Florida. When confronted by Irulan, both deny being the aggressor. Shortly after Crazy Eyes Arissa told Alton to “Bone out, negro”, they cut to “to be continued.” So we’ll be wrapping up that rumble on the next episode.—Smyth