REAL WORLD AUSTIN
Episode 18:
The roomies have been kickin' it hard, with Halifax. Rachel was being
a bit of groupie, but they were all having a good time. Except for Lacy
who's too busy talking shit. Rach got hammered and Farleyed the free-throw
game. They must have really liked that game, because everyone acted
pretty bummed that it was broken. Try partying with any skate team,
we'll break everything in your house. Whatever town they do the Real
World in next, I'm going to move there, befriend one of the cast members,
get invited to the house, call all my friends over, and accidentally
break shit. I've seen Staba running Farley a table full of food, condiments
and camping supplies. On Bird's 30th birthday, he Farleyed Guy's glass
coffee table, and sent bongs and 40ozs a flying. I've also seen Shelby
Woods loose his balance hanging a Richard Pryor album cover on the wall,
and backwards Farley a table, from about three feet off the ground.
Imagine the devastation we would bring.
REAL WORLD AUSTIN
Episode 17:
fter a two episode hiatus, the spotlight was back on Danny and Melinda.
Just as I suspected, Danny went out like a bitch. He asked Melinda to
be his girlfriend, and his fate was sealed. The South by Southwest festival
had started, and so did their project. Danny and Mel were throwing super
lovebirds, and blew off the assignment. The rest of the crew was pissed,
as they suffered through the emo band interviews. When Wes signed up
for the Real World, holding a boom mic over a hipster's head wasn't
what he had in mind. He's there to get fucked up. So thank God the next
band was down to get shit-faced with him. Nehemiah almost blew his top,
over their lack of professionalism. Nehemiah's just stressed. It's hard
being the only guy in the house not getting laid. Melinda got a bit
too friendly with one of the boys from the band. Danny had that hater-aid
pumpin' through his veins. He threw a little tantrum, and Mel got the
picture. I really don't see monogamy in their future. But that's just
wishful thinking, for the sake of the show, of course.
REAL WORLD AUSTIN
Episode 16:
After Johanna did a little time in the drunk-tank, Leo picked her up
in the morning. That got Johanna thinking what a sweet guy he was. Later
that night, Johanna found out Leo had another girl in his life, Courtney.
This, for some strange reason, makes girls immediately interested. At
first I thought Leo was going out like a poo-butt. Turned out he got
game. Johanna took him home, but didn't go all the way. If they did
we would know, Jo said, cause she's a "big screamer". Lacy
sure would know, because she sat and watched the whole thing on the
monitor. Probably diddled her self afterwards too. You know the quiet
ones always got the most skeletons in the closet. That's why Lacy never
talks, she afraid a bone's gonna fall out her mouth. Now that Johanna's
crush was certified, she hit the Dizzy Rooster on a mission. Leo came
back that night and blazed. Perhaps Johanna didn't put it down as well
as we'd all like to imagine, because Leo gave her a vicious brush off.
Jo was crushed. And who was there to pick up the pieces? Good old Wes.
If all he can get is a little rebound tang, Wes is all for it.
REAL WORLD AUSTIN
Episode 15:
I watched this episode two weeks ago, before I went to Toronto. My Tivo
has since pushed it out. My memory, like my Tivo, has its limits. But
I’m pretty sure I could watch the show, blindfolded with earmuffs
on, and still predict the out come. The kids get wasted, argue, have
sex, get beat up and arrested. This is the premise for which the entire
series is based on; at least ever since they wised up and established
the 25 and under age limit. How weak were those first few seasons with
the old farts on them? Puck was an exception, of course. Could this
seemingly perfect formula get old? Will the series ever be cancelled?
When can I stop writing this column? Not until America ends its obsession
with sex, violence, alcohol, and jackasses. Danny and Melinda are still
on the rocks. Johanna’s drunk/fine ass went to jail. See you next
episode.
REAL WORLD AUSTIN
Episode 14:
The men of the house are losing. Wren and Melinda are sucking the life
from young Wes and Danny. Wes gave into temptation, and kissed a random
girl at the bar. When he noticed Wren saw, he was oozing with excuses.
Turns out, she didn't really give a fuck. But Wes wouldn't drop it,
making him look like a ginormous pussy. I hate that dip-shit's extended
key chain lanyard that's always hanging form his pocket. Melinda was
ecstatic about play cowgirl, while the dudes showed no interest in spending
the weekend at a dude ranch. But the campfire jam, "Spurs that
jingle jangle jingle", struck a nerve with the boys. The
song's about being single, roaming free, free to go play "Brokeback
Mountain". Mel caught on to Danny, identifying with the song. She
had no choice but to confront him about his doubts. The show ended with
talk of an official Break between Barbie and Ken, but there's no doubt
in my mind Danny will be kissing ass next episode. Bitch.
REAL WORLD AUSTIN
Episode 13:
The roomies had the assignment of filming a short profile, on another
member of the household. This was Nehemiah's chance to showcase his
film degree, but despite his best efforts, his profile on Wes was deemed
wack. The next part of the project was to pick what bands they'd be
covering in their documentary. Lacy picked the bands she wanted to,
and said fuck everyone else's opinion. I'm sure they're a musically
inept bunch, but even women get to vote. Lacy told everyone that Nehemiah
agreed with her choices, to try and manipulate the other roomies. Rightfully
irked by this, Nehemiah called his mommy for advice. If you're like
me, you're wondering how Lacy's wack ass got on this show in the fist
place. Well according to Nehemiah's mom, GOD put her there. That answer
works for everything. Six dudes punked Nehemiah, in the club. That was
either seven strangers invading a local bar with cameras that brought
that on, or perhaps it too was just God's will.
REAL WORLD AUSTIN
Episode 12:
Wes was pretty amped on this new chick, Wren. The girl's a cold fish.
I can tell by the way she walks with her thighs together, and clutches
her little bag. Wes is obviously a lot less experienced than myself,
but he may learn. Wes earned the nickname "Captain-save-a-hoe",
from Nehemiah, for his superhero-like infatuation for his new leading
lady. I'm sure Wes will never know that E-40 coined that moniker way
back in '94, as a way to diss his overzealous Bay Area brethren. Rachel
continued on her mission to tongue down the entire Dizzy Rooster, by
making out with Matt the bouncer. When Nehemiah called her out for blowin'
up the spot, Rachel snapped. She wished every type of death on him,
from gunshots to aneurisms. Nehemiah nearly did have an aneurism, when
Johanna put the moves on Wes. Lacy was flabbergasted, because Jo is
so far out of Wes' league. Nehemiah had the silly notion Jo could be
into him, but like I stated in episode 4, no play for Nehemiah.
REAL WORLD AUSTIN
Episode 11:
Danny came home to warm welcomes from all the roomies, but warmest one
wasn't as well received. Mel was waiting with wet panties, for Danny's
return, but Danny was not equally enthused. Seemed the battle between
new and old pussy waged on. When Danny's welcome home party turned sour,
the roomies split into their respective gender groups, for a session
of binge drinking in the company of their own kind. Everyone came home
blasted. Wes and Johanna were still over each other, but broke their
vows of silence long enough for another screaming match. Those two are
headed between the sheets. I know it. Jo's twisted like that. Danny
held back Melinda's hair while she puked in the toilet. She professed
her love in between spews of vomit. Danny knew at that minute he too
was in love. They truly deserve each other.
REAL WORLD AUSTIN
Episode 10:
Johanna was giving Leo mixed signals. At the bar she's down for full
PDA, out on a date, she wouldn't even hold his hand. She's got trust
issues, no doubt. Her pops probably bounced at an early age. What guy
hasn't been blue-balled by a chick like that? Wes seemed pretty sure
he's the man for Jo, but that she's just playing games with him. After
playing that game for more than a month, Wes finally decided to pluck
some easy tail right out the bar. At last, all that talk lead to a little
action. For some strange reason, Wes thought that boning some skank
in front of the whole house would make Johanna jealous, and she would
instantly want to hump him too. Instead they got in a vicious argument
about Jo's relationship with Leo. Johanna said she would not speak to
Wes for at least two weeks. Wes told her "I hope you graduate from
mellow-drama school", which sounds completely retarded. I think
an old school "fuck you" would suffice.
REAL WORLD AUSTIN
Episode 9:
Danny was greeted, at the airport, by a grip of grieving relatives.
Through his sobbing, he kept muttering, "I wish I could have been
there", "I could have done something." She had a heart
attack! What is he, a fucking cardiologist? What would he have done,
get drunk and try to beat up the heart attack? You see how he can't
ever fit his hat all the way on his head. It's cause his skull is full
of lug nuts. Back in Austin, Melinda had problems of her own. She's
suffering from dick withdrawals. That's a pretty insensitive thing to
complain about, when Lacy, the virgin, may never have sex, ever. Her
boyfriend's in a wheelchair, paralyzed from the waist down. Like shootin'
pool with a rope, if you know what I mean. Danny was questioning coming
back to Austin, after the funeral, and leaving his family. Perhaps it's
a good idea he sticks around. If any fatal diseases show, he can fuck
'em up.
REAL WORLD AUSTIN
Episode 8:
It was Valentines Day, and the roses were a flowin'. Rachel got some
from her man Erik, and the flowers actually arrived in good condition.
I'm surprised he didn't try sending ice cream again, or maybe some sort
of live animal. Johanna's crush, Leo the bartender, left a bouquet with
a card for each girl in the house. Dude is smooth. It won't be long
before he's peeling Johanna out of one of those t-shirts with the retarded
slogans on them. Danny was going nuts trying to find an outfit for his
big date with Mel. Melinda said she'd never been on a real date before.
Considering her self-proclaimed nympho status, she must be queen of
the one-nighters then. She must be pretty comfortable in places like
the back seats of cars, cheap hotel rooms, club restrooms, and porta-potties.
When Danny arrived back at the house from a long day of shopping, he
received an urgent message from his dad. He returned the call only to
find out his mom had died of a heart attack. Devastated, he made plans
to go back home. Guess he won't be making a lady out of Mel yet. She
remained a dateless skank.
REAL WORLD AUSTIN
Episode 7:
Melinda wanted to stay home with Danny, but that Dizzy Rooster be callin'.
I've noticed all the party shots look like the same place. Apparently
the Dizzy Rooster is the cast's top choice of places to get their swerve
on. Melinda did steal away from the bar, and met Danny back at the house,
for a steamy shower scene. Wes killed it by jumping in with them. That's
gay, not funny. Gay is often funny, but not in this case. Danny can't
figure out if he wants a lasting relationship with Melinda, or the option
to dip his hands into that groupie drawer. Welcome to the vain of the
male existence, new pussy versus old pussy. Danny got his stitches out,
and his eye is starting to open. Time to party. The house broke up into
separate gender groups, for a night out on the town. While the dudes
chose the familiar Dizzy Rooster, the girls put on their fuck-him dresses
and went out to a nice diner. Danny stumbled back to the house, and
into Melinda's arms, just before puking his brains out. Melinda may
be sick her self. I noticed her blue jeans were a bit baggy around the
back-pocket area. That's a sure symptom of the well know disease, noassatall.
REAL WORLD AUSTIN
Episode 6:
Only 20 more episodes to go! Rachel's dude back home must be a real
brainer. The dip-shit sent her ice cream in the mail. What she received
was a soggy, sticky, cardboard box. It's no wonder she's at the club
every night, looking for tail, like a soldier on leave. She set her
sights on Colin, a muscle bound lug, in a size small tee. Rachel rates
him at a 10, and herself at a 6. I wonder if that's an Iraqi 6 or an
Austin 6. Although slightly out of her league, she made a move anyway,
and what a surprise, the big goof didn't pass down pussy in his face.
A legit 6 is fairly high for a sure thing. Wes and Nehemiah think they're
some kinda macks, because they got a "groupie drawer" full
of girl's numbers. They started ringing them up, and most had forgotten
who they were. "Are you sure you don't remember us? We're two strangers,
picked to live in house?" They finally got some chicks to come
over. I'd bet the conversation went something like this: "Hey,
you want to be on MTV?" And the proof is in the pudding, out of
five busted hoes, neither of them could seal a deal. Rachel's latest
crush went sour, when Wes revealed that Colin in fact had a girlfriend.
Trying to act like she wasn't hurt, she claimed, "He had a small
penis anyway." I guess you throw all hopes of showing a bit class
out the window when you sign up for this show.
REAL WORLD AUSTIN
Episode 5:
Did you forget Rachel had a boyfriend? Yeah, with all her skankin’
around, so did I. Rachel goes out with an Army man, whom she was caught
bonin’ on base. She was punished with night patrol duties. Nehemiah
made the mistake of questioning the US’ motives in Iraq, amongst
the red-state youth. The whole house jumped down his throat. Most vocal
was of course Rachel, the girl who made a puking noise when someone
said the name Michael Moore. Nehemiah straight clowned. He said that
she was only a nurse, and wasn’t a real solider, for never seeing
the front lines. Dan was already questioning the relationship with Mel.
He’s used wholesome college girls, and he got Paris Hilton. He’s
not sure he wants a girlfriend who’s dancing on tables and trying
to kiss girls. Apparently girls are the least of his worries, Mel went
ahead and made out with Wes. She didn’t tell Dan, and waited for
Lacy to drop the dime. Dan was pissed, and confronted Mel. She squeezed
out a couple fake tears, and the dumb lug couldn’t stand it. He’s
dumb as dirt.
REAL WORLD AUSTIN
Episode 4:
Dan was in a lot of pain, and nervous about the surgery. That didn't
affect Mel directly, but when Dan popped a Vicodin, she joined in the
party. Rachel was throwing desperados, pushing up on Wes. Wes was at
the club, trying to kick it to Johanna, along came Rachel, backin' her
wide ass up in his mix. Rachel endured a devastating diss, when Wes
refused to make out with her. He's got his eyes on the prize, and he's
not wavering. If he plays his cards right, he just might pull her. But
if he keeps professing his love like a little bitch, Johanna's finna
roll with Leo, the Latin lover bartender. Nehemiah thinks Johanna's
into him, so posing as a friend, he's trying to pull some Jedi mind
tricks on Wes, and get him to back off her. I'ma go out on a limb and
say Nehemiah ain't getting no play in Austin. Just call it a hunch.
Dan got his dad to fly in for his surgery, because like Spike and Felix,
Danny and his pops are best friends. Mel's actually pretty stoked Dan
got his fucking face smashed, because she gets to play naughty nurse.
The doctor recommends Dan have no physical activity, including sex,
for about a week. Mel said she'd try to hold out. Slut.
REAL WORLD AUSTIN
Episode 3:
Danny's grill is fucked. He whimpered in the doctor's office, "Will
I ever look normal again?" That depends; did you once look like
a shit-for-brains jock? Then yes, we have the technology to restore
your goofy good looks. Mel couldn't care less that Dan was sporting
a super absorbent feminine pad on his face. She's fallen for the chowder-head,
and was just dying to break up with her boyfriend, Jason. Lucky for
her, opportunity struck when Jason casually said he "almost wrote
her off," since they hadn't talked in couple days. Mel took her
cue and began with the crocodile tears. I've seen better acting on soap
operas. Jason and Mel made a clean cut, and the dramatics continued
around the house. Of course, Dan was there to comfort and consol. Next
thing you know, they're spooning. The mating rituals of animals in the
wild are less predictable. The roomies got their job assignment, which
is to make a documentary, covering the South by Southwest music festival.
Good news for Nehemiah, he went to film school. Music might be something
he knows a little about too, seeing how he kicked lyrics, freestyling
at open mic night. Should be good.
REAL WORLD AUSTIN
Episode 1 & 2:
That's right, I'm not reviewing "The Cut." Felix is not the
Puerto Rican Puck I was hoping for. But, he is stealing the show. I
could have took it or left it, until I saw him sob twice in one episode.
It could be me, but to write a compelling review of that cast, they
all need to be about 15 years younger, have severe drinking problems,
and by episode three there should have certainly been some hook-ups.
We got all that and more, with the very first Real World Austin. Sticking
to Real World tradition, moments after meeting, the roomies disrobed
and got liquored-up in the hot tub. Sex talk ensued. The two meatheads
of the house, Danny and Wes, much like Landon and MJ, were quickly compared
to Abercrombie models. The frat boys instigated, and then cheered on,
a girl on girl tongue wrestling match between Rachel and Melinda. Rachel
just got back from Iraq, and can’t wait to throw it in someone’s
face. Melinda is a self-proclaimed “nympho,” who sports
a “promise ring” she got from her boyfriend back home. Throwing
that ring in the garbage would have been equally effective in keeping
that little slut celibate. She was ready to blair Dan at first sight.
She had some nerve, parading around the house in booty shorts, with
no booty. Long-back hoe. My prediction for least screen time is Lacey.
Don’t drink, don’t fuck, what do ya do? Nehemiah is a black
radical coming straight outta Arizona State. He’s got his eyes
on Johanna, a Peru born, brown-skin honey, hailing from Riverside. Unfortunately
for Huey Newton, she’s feelin’ Danny. So much, that she
forced a make-out, in a bar, their first night out. Since Danny’s
sprung on Melinda, Johanna felt moded, and asked Nehemiah not to let
her get drunk and make a fool of herself again. When Nehemiah tried
to stop her from doing just that, at a club the next night, she went
buckwild on him, grabbing on his neck and pulling his shirt off. Nehemiah
stormed out the club. Wes and Danny go looking for him, in a drunken
stooper. It wasn’t long before they annoyed enough people to start
an all out melee. A few tough guys started shoving them around, and
then BOOYOW! Danny got banked on. In The Bay we call that getting your
mask cracked, but I’ve never seen a more perfect example. Danny’s
cheekbone was literally caved in. This is only the beginning, folks.
I smell Tivo gold.
—Sam
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