REAL WORLD AUSTIN
Episode 24 (the finale):
Danny and Mel flashed back to the day they met. I'm sure Melinda thought of the first time she saw Danny's chiseled good looks, and that blank stare. While Danny had memories of those mammories, heaving behind her tank top. They talked of marriage and moving in together. I wonder how many networks passed on their spin-off idea, "The Blonde and the Butthead." Of course the posse had to hit the bar for one last hoorah. At the bar, a scorned Wren confronted Johanna. She wasn't so psyched that Wes had blabbed of their sexual exploits. Amidst heated verbiage, Wren raised her hand, holding her index finger approximately two inches from her thumb and stated, "Wes is this small". Women love to do this. They can't wait to do this. As a man, it's damaging. And I think women should think twice before making this gesture. Think once about whose feelings you're hurting and twice about the possibility of the problem actually being your unusually large vagina. Once Wes caught wind, he proclaimed death to whomever let his trusted locker room talk out of the bag. All roads lead to Rachel. Back at the house Wes blew his top, flexin' hard on Rachel. Some how Nehemiah stuck his nose in it and got clawed. The next day Rachel left without saying goodbye to Nehemiah or Wes. The usual one-by-one departure ensued, but with much less dramatics. Half the roomies were gone and I wasn't choked up in the slightest. Then Johanna sobbed unwillingly over experiences gained and the parting of her new friends, in true Real World fashion. I couldn't refrain from misting up the old goggles just a bit. Though this season may not have been the best, it was surely not the worst. Casting I commend you on your picks, all except for Lacy. Try to stay away from celibate whiners who tend to blend in with the wallpaper. Thank you for reading. I hope you can sit through the Gauntlet 2 without my titillating commentary.
REAL WORLD AUSTIN
Episode 23:
Rather than return to that editing room alone, Nehemiah got ticked off and popped some guy serving bratwurst. A night in jail got him just what he wanted, a little attention from his roommates. When Nehemiah found out he was facing a $4000 fine or a year in jail, he found Mr.Bratwurst and apologized quick fast. College boys don't do too good in prison. While Nehemiah got back to editing, Wes went out and got thoroughly smashed. Wes got back to the house and wrecked shop. He threw coffee beans at Melinda and kicked her closet door in. When Rachel had something to say about it, he gave her a nice little love tap across the face. I guess that 35 second sesh wasn't quite long enough to take out that pent up aggression on Wren's ass. Nehemiah and Wes thought it would be funny to dress up like "pimps" for their big premier. Too bad the simps turned out looking like they were headed to a gay prom, in power blue and mint tuxedos. Fillmore Slim oughta gorilla pimp slap they ass
REAL WORLD AUSTIN
Episode 22:
Wes and Wren were not seeing eye to eye. Wes was trying to tax that ass, and Wren seemed completely disinterested. To quote the great Tony Montana, "She got a look in her eye like she hasn't been fucked in a year". But Wes already put too much in the pot. He wasn't going to fold now, and leave empty handed. Wes was prepared to go all in on a bluff. He left Wren's side and pulled Johanna out on to the dance floor. After he was sure Wren was looking he pulled Jo in close for a sloppy, on the dance floor, up against the wall, make out sesh. This could have totally incensed Wren or got her panties extremely wet. Lucky for Wes the latter, the long shot, paid off. Wren bounced with Wes back to her place, where he gave her the "best 35 seconds of her life". Nehemiah was feeling some serious pressure to come through on their project. But the day before the dead line, he got tossed in jail. That's some serious fear of failure for you.
REAL WORLD AUSTIN
Episode 21:
So the goof troop arrived in Costa Rica and the big bikini payoff took all of 30 seconds to go down. Though Melinda is smugglin' a serious pair of Hogans up top, still the ultra-thin stretchy material of the bikini bottoms appeared baggy from her lack of backside. Danny is a fucking joke. You would think he'd have learned something from watching himself get whooped on in the middle of the street. He talks big shit but goes out like a bitch. When Danny's out with Melinda he throws cuffs on her. If a dude even looks her way he's ready to snap. I guess he'd actually have to have a brain to learn. As a joke, Wes went out claiming to be Prince William. A quality gag, no doubt. And the natives fell for it. While on the subject of Prince William, Melinda told Danny she wouldn't mind a one-nighter with his royalness. In proper procedure, according to a lame, Danny threw a fit and stormed out. Waking up feeling like a complete doofuss, Dan rushed to the hotel souvenir shop and scored Mel a seashell necklace to make up for his tantrum. The dude is a super simp.
REAL WORLD AUSTIN
Episode 20:
It was time to assemble their trailer, and due to the film degree, the responsibility fell mostly on Nehemiah. That's why fuck college. Wes was pretty honest about the part he'd play in the creative process, "I'm here to do what I do best, get drunk and sleep." Wes' idea of teamwork would be taking the fat chick while his boy got the hot one. Lacy wasn't impressed with Nehemiah's editing skills, and made sure to tell everyone but him. It did appear he wasn't 100% dedicated when bailed out the night of the deadline to go freestyle for a crowd of ten people. But after he kicked some flows, Nehemiah stayed up and finished the piece. Although it received some harsh criticism from the panel, it was good enough to earn them their trip to Costa Rica. As if the producers would actually deny them their tropical romp. The whole trip was planned just to get Melinda and Johanna into bikinis.
REAL WORLD AUSTIN
Episode 19:
Instead of handlin' his bidness in the street, like a gangsta, Danny pressed charges on the dude who busted his eye up. Only snitches talk to police, Dan. Rachel's boyfriend Erik came to visit her, from New York. When she picked him up at the airport, she gave him a nice warm welcome, but when they got to the bedroom, all he got was a cold titty. If you don't see your girl for three months, and the night you're reunited, she don't want to fuck, chuck her the duce. Cause she's either thinking about how bad it was last time y'all fucked, or she's wondering why her pussy itches. Either way she don't ever want to fuck you again. And if he couldn't figure that out himself, Lacy broke it down to him cold-blooded style. She really went for her Player Hating Degree on that one. The boys felt bad Erik wasn't getting no skins. So they decided to call every girl from the groupie draw. They figured they'd be sitting at the Dizzy Rooster like a couple of Saudi princes, surrounded by their harem. Unfortunately that harem wasn't fit for a Saudi cab driver. A whole three girls showed.
REAL WORLD AUSTIN
Episode 18:
The roomies have been kickin’ it hard, with Halifax. Rachel was being a bit of groupie, but they were all having a good time. Except for Lacy who’s too busy talking shit. Rach got hammered and Farleyed the free-throw game. They must have really liked that game, because everyone acted pretty bummed that it was broken. Try partying with any skate team, we’ll break everything in your house. Whatever town they do the Real World in next, I’m going to move there, befriend one of the cast members, get invited to the house, call all my friends over, and accidentally break shit. I’ve seen Staba running Farley a table full of food, condiments and camping supplies. On Bird’s 30th birthday, he Farleyed Guy’s glass coffee table, and sent bongs and 40ozs a flying. I’ve also seen Shelby Woods loose his balance hanging a picture on the wall, and backwards Farley a table, from about three feet off the ground. Imagine the devastation we would bring.
REAL WORLD AUSTIN
Episode 17:
After a two episode hiatus, the spotlight was back on Danny and Melinda. Just as I suspected, Danny went out like a bitch. He asked Melinda to be his girlfriend, and his fate was sealed. The South by Southwest festival had started, and so did their project. Danny and Mel were throwing super lovebirds, and blew off the assignment. The rest of the crew was pissed, as they suffered through the emo band interviews. When Wes signed up for the Real World, holding a boom mic over a hipster's head wasn't what he had in mind. He's there to get fucked up. So thank God the next band was down to get shit-faced with him. Nehemiah almost blew his top, over their lack of professionalism. Nehemiah's just stressed. It's hard being the only guy in the house not getting laid. Melinda got a bit too friendly with one of the boys from the band. Danny had that hater-aid pumpin' through his veins. He threw a little tantrum, and Mel got the picture. I really don't see monogamy in their future. But that's just wishful thinking, for the sake of the show, of course.
REAL WORLD AUSTIN
Episode 16:
After Johanna did a little time in the drunk-tank, Leo picked her up in the morning. That got Johanna thinking what a sweet guy he was. Later that night, Johanna found out Leo had another girl in his life, Courtney. This, for some strange reason, makes girls immediately interested. At first I thought Leo was going out like a poo-butt. Turned out he got game. Johanna took him home, but didn't go all the way. If they did we would know, Jo said, cause she's a "big screamer". Lacy sure would know, because she sat and watched the whole thing on the monitor. Probably diddled her self afterwards too. You know the quiet ones always got the most skeletons in the closet. That's why Lacy never talks, she afraid a bone's gonna fall out her mouth. Now that Johanna's crush was certified, she hit the Dizzy Rooster on a mission. Leo came back that night and blazed. Perhaps Johanna didn't put it down as well as we'd all like to imagine, because Leo gave her a vicious brush off. Jo was crushed. And who was there to pick up the pieces? Good old Wes. If all he can get is a little rebound tang, Wes is all for it.
REAL WORLD AUSTIN
Episode 15:
I watched this episode two weeks ago, before I went to Toronto. My Tivo has since pushed it out. My memory, like my Tivo, has its limits. But I’m pretty sure I could watch the show, blindfolded with earmuffs on, and still predict the out come. The kids get wasted, argue, have sex, get beat up and arrested. This is the premise for which the entire series is based on; at least ever since they wised up and established the 25 and under age limit. How weak were those first few seasons with the old farts on them? Puck was an exception, of course. Could this seemingly perfect formula get old? Will the series ever be cancelled? When can I stop writing this column? Not until America ends its obsession with sex, violence, alcohol, and jackasses. Danny and Melinda are still on the rocks. Johanna’s drunk/fine ass went to jail. See you next episode.
REAL WORLD AUSTIN
Episode 14:
The men of the house are losing. Wren and Melinda are sucking the life from young Wes and Danny. Wes gave into temptation, and kissed a random girl at the bar. When he noticed Wren saw, he was oozing with excuses. Turns out, she didn't really give a fuck. But Wes wouldn't drop it, making him look like a ginormous pussy. I hate that dip-shit's extended key chain lanyard that's always hanging form his pocket. Melinda was ecstatic about play cowgirl, while the dudes showed no interest in spending the weekend at a dude ranch. But the campfire jam, "Spurs that jingle jangle jingle", struck a nerve with the boys. The song's about being single, roaming free, free to go play "Brokeback Mountain". Mel caught on to Danny, identifying with the song. She had no choice but to confront him about his doubts. The show ended with talk of an official Break between Barbie and Ken, but there's no doubt in my mind Danny will be kissing ass next episode. Bitch.
REAL WORLD AUSTIN
Episode 13:
The roomies had the assignment of filming a short profile, on another member of the household. This was Nehemiah's chance to showcase his film degree, but despite his best efforts, his profile on Wes was deemed wack. The next part of the project was to pick what bands they'd be covering in their documentary. Lacy picked the bands she wanted to, and said fuck everyone else's opinion. I'm sure they're a musically inept bunch, but even women get to vote. Lacy told everyone that Nehemiah agreed with her choices, to try and manipulate the other roomies. Rightfully irked by this, Nehemiah called his mommy for advice. If you're like me, you're wondering how Lacy's wack ass got on this show in the fist place. Well according to Nehemiah's mom, GOD put her there. That answer works for everything. Six dudes punked Nehemiah, in the club. That was either seven strangers invading a local bar with cameras that brought that on, or perhaps it too was just God's will.
REAL WORLD AUSTIN
Episode 12:
Wes was pretty amped on this new chick, Wren. The girl's a cold fish. I can tell by the way she walks with her thighs together, and clutches her little bag. Wes is obviously a lot less experienced than myself, but he may learn. Wes earned the nickname "Captain-save-a-hoe", from Nehemiah, for his superhero-like infatuation for his new leading lady. I'm sure Wes will never know that E-40 coined that moniker way back in '94, as a way to diss his overzealous Bay Area brethren. Rachel continued on her mission to tongue down the entire Dizzy Rooster, by making out with Matt the bouncer. When Nehemiah called her out for blowin' up the spot, Rachel snapped. She wished every type of death on him, from gunshots to aneurisms. Nehemiah nearly did have an aneurism, when Johanna put the moves on Wes. Lacy was flabbergasted, because Jo is so far out of Wes' league. Nehemiah had the silly notion Jo could be into him, but like I stated in episode 4, no play for Nehemiah.
REAL WORLD AUSTIN
Episode 11:
Danny came home to warm welcomes from all the roomies, but warmest one wasn't as well received. Mel was waiting with wet panties, for Danny's return, but Danny was not equally enthused. Seemed the battle between new and old pussy waged on. When Danny's welcome home party turned sour, the roomies split into their respective gender groups, for a session of binge drinking in the company of their own kind. Everyone came home blasted. Wes and Johanna were still over each other, but broke their vows of silence long enough for another screaming match. Those two are headed between the sheets. I know it. Jo's twisted like that. Danny held back Melinda's hair while she puked in the toilet. She professed her love in between spews of vomit. Danny knew at that minute he too was in love. They truly deserve each other.
REAL WORLD AUSTIN
Episode 10:
Johanna was giving Leo mixed signals. At the bar she's down for full PDA, out on a date, she wouldn't even hold his hand. She's got trust issues, no doubt. Her pops probably bounced at an early age. What guy hasn't been blue-balled by a chick like that? Wes seemed pretty sure he's the man for Jo, but that she's just playing games with him. After playing that game for more than a month, Wes finally decided to pluck some easy tail right out the bar. At last, all that talk lead to a little action. For some strange reason, Wes thought that boning some skank in front of the whole house would make Johanna jealous, and she would instantly want to hump him too. Instead they got in a vicious argument about Jo's relationship with Leo. Johanna said she would not speak to Wes for at least two weeks. Wes told her "I hope you graduate from mellow-drama school", which sounds completely retarded. I think an old school "fuck you" would suffice.
REAL WORLD AUSTIN
Episode 9:
Danny was greeted, at the airport, by a grip of grieving relatives. Through his sobbing, he kept muttering, "I wish I could have been there", "I could have done something." She had a heart attack! What is he, a fucking cardiologist? What would he have done, get drunk and try to beat up the heart attack? You see how he can't ever fit his hat all the way on his head. It's cause his skull is full of lug nuts. Back in Austin, Melinda had problems of her own. She's suffering from dick withdrawals. That's a pretty insensitive thing to complain about, when Lacy, the virgin, may never have sex, ever. Her boyfriend's in a wheelchair, paralyzed from the waist down. Like shootin' pool with a rope, if you know what I mean. Danny was questioning coming back to Austin, after the funeral, and leaving his family. Perhaps it's a good idea he sticks around. If any fatal diseases show, he can fuck 'em up.
REAL WORLD AUSTIN
Episode 8:
It was Valentines Day, and the roses were a flowin'. Rachel got some from her man Erik, and the flowers actually arrived in good condition. I'm surprised he didn't try sending ice cream again, or maybe some sort of live animal. Johanna's crush, Leo the bartender, left a bouquet with a card for each girl in the house. Dude is smooth. It won't be long before he's peeling Johanna out of one of those t-shirts with the retarded slogans on them. Danny was going nuts trying to find an outfit for his big date with Mel. Melinda said she'd never been on a real date before. Considering her self-proclaimed nympho status, she must be queen of the one-nighters then. She must be pretty comfortable in places like the back seats of cars, cheap hotel rooms, club restrooms, and porta-potties. When Danny arrived back at the house from a long day of shopping, he received an urgent message from his dad. He returned the call only to find out his mom had died of a heart attack. Devastated, he made plans to go back home. Guess he won't be making a lady out of Mel yet. She remained a dateless skank.
REAL WORLD AUSTIN
Episode 7:
Melinda wanted to stay home with Danny, but that Dizzy Rooster be callin'. I've noticed all the party shots look like the same place. Apparently the Dizzy Rooster is the cast's top choice of places to get their swerve on. Melinda did steal away from the bar, and met Danny back at the house, for a steamy shower scene. Wes killed it by jumping in with them. That's gay, not funny. Gay is often funny, but not in this case. Danny can't figure out if he wants a lasting relationship with Melinda, or the option to dip his hands into that groupie drawer. Welcome to the vain of the male existence, new pussy versus old pussy. Danny got his stitches out, and his eye is starting to open. Time to party. The house broke up into separate gender groups, for a night out on the town. While the dudes chose the familiar Dizzy Rooster, the girls put on their fuck-him dresses and went out to a nice diner. Danny stumbled back to the house, and into Melinda's arms, just before puking his brains out. Melinda may be sick her self. I noticed her blue jeans were a bit baggy around the back-pocket area. That's a sure symptom of the well know disease, noassatall.
REAL WORLD AUSTIN
Episode 6:
Only 20 more episodes to go! Rachel's dude back home must be a real brainer. The dip-shit sent her ice cream in the mail. What she received was a soggy, sticky, cardboard box. It's no wonder she's at the club every night, looking for tail, like a soldier on leave. She set her sights on Colin, a muscle bound lug, in a size small tee. Rachel rates him at a 10, and herself at a 6. I wonder if that's an Iraqi 6 or an Austin 6. Although slightly out of her league, she made a move anyway, and what a surprise, the big goof didn't pass down pussy in his face. A legit 6 is fairly high for a sure thing. Wes and Nehemiah think they're some kinda macks, because they got a "groupie drawer" full of girl's numbers. They started ringing them up, and most had forgotten who they were. "Are you sure you don't remember us? We're two strangers, picked to live in house?" They finally got some chicks to come over. I'd bet the conversation went something like this: "Hey, you want to be on MTV?" And the proof is in the pudding, out of five busted hoes, neither of them could seal a deal. Rachel's latest crush went sour, when Wes revealed that Colin in fact had a girlfriend. Trying to act like she wasn't hurt, she claimed, "He had a small penis anyway." I guess you throw all hopes of showing a bit class out the window when you sign up for this show.
REAL WORLD AUSTIN
Episode 5:
Did you forget Rachel had a boyfriend? Yeah, with all her skankin’ around, so did I. Rachel goes out with an Army man, whom she was caught bonin’ on base. She was punished with night patrol duties. Nehemiah made the mistake of questioning the US’ motives in Iraq, amongst the red-state youth. The whole house jumped down his throat. Most vocal was of course Rachel, the girl who made a puking noise when someone said the name Michael Moore. Nehemiah straight clowned. He said that she was only a nurse, and wasn’t a real solider, for never seeing the front lines. Dan was already questioning the relationship with Mel. He’s used wholesome college girls, and he got Paris Hilton. He’s not sure he wants a girlfriend who’s dancing on tables and trying to kiss girls. Apparently girls are the least of his worries, Mel went ahead and made out with Wes. She didn’t tell Dan, and waited for Lacy to drop the dime. Dan was pissed, and confronted Mel. She squeezed out a couple fake tears, and the dumb lug couldn’t stand it. He’s dumb as dirt.
REAL WORLD AUSTIN
Episode 4:
Dan was in a lot of pain, and nervous about the surgery. That didn't affect Mel directly, but when Dan popped a Vicodin, she joined in the party. Rachel was throwing desperados, pushing up on Wes. Wes was at the club, trying to kick it to Johanna, along came Rachel, backin' her wide ass up in his mix. Rachel endured a devastating diss, when Wes refused to make out with her. He's got his eyes on the prize, and he's not wavering. If he plays his cards right, he just might pull her. But if he keeps professing his love like a little bitch, Johanna's finna roll with Leo, the Latin lover bartender. Nehemiah thinks Johanna's into him, so posing as a friend, he's trying to pull some Jedi mind tricks on Wes, and get him to back off her. I'ma go out on a limb and say Nehemiah ain't getting no play in Austin. Just call it a hunch. Dan got his dad to fly in for his surgery, because like Spike and Felix, Danny and his pops are best friends. Mel's actually pretty stoked Dan got his fucking face smashed, because she gets to play naughty nurse. The doctor recommends Dan have no physical activity, including sex, for about a week. Mel said she'd try to hold out. Slut.
REAL WORLD AUSTIN
Episode 3:
Danny's grill is fucked. He whimpered in the doctor's office, "Will I ever look normal again?" That depends; did you once look like a shit-for-brains jock? Then yes, we have the technology to restore your goofy good looks. Mel couldn't care less that Dan was sporting a super absorbent feminine pad on his face. She's fallen for the chowder-head, and was just dying to break up with her boyfriend, Jason. Lucky for her, opportunity struck when Jason casually said he "almost wrote her off," since they hadn't talked in couple days. Mel took her cue and began with the crocodile tears. I've seen better acting on soap operas. Jason and Mel made a clean cut, and the dramatics continued around the house. Of course, Dan was there to comfort and consol. Next thing you know, they're spooning. The mating rituals of animals in the wild are less predictable. The roomies got their job assignment, which is to make a documentary, covering the South by Southwest music festival. Good news for Nehemiah, he went to film school. Music might be something he knows a little about too, seeing how he kicked lyrics, freestyling at open mic night. Should be good.
REAL WORLD AUSTIN
Episode 1 & 2:
That's right, I'm not reviewing "The Cut." Felix is not the Puerto Rican Puck I was hoping for. But, he is stealing the show. I could have took it or left it, until I saw him sob twice in one episode. It could be me, but to write a compelling review of that cast, they all need to be about 15 years younger, have severe drinking problems, and by episode three there should have certainly been some hook-ups.
We got all that and more, with the very first Real World Austin. Sticking to Real World tradition, moments after meeting, the roomies disrobed and got liquored-up in the hot tub. Sex talk ensued. The two meatheads of the house, Danny and Wes, much like Landon and MJ, were quickly compared to Abercrombie models. The frat boys instigated, and then cheered on, a girl on girl tongue wrestling match between Rachel and Melinda. Rachel just got back from Iraq, and can’t wait to throw it in someone’s face. Melinda is a self-proclaimed “nympho,” who sports a “promise ring” she got from her boyfriend back home. Throwing that ring in the garbage would have been equally effective in keeping that little slut celibate. She was ready to blair Dan at first sight. She had some nerve, parading around the house in booty shorts, with no booty. Long-back hoe. My prediction for least screen time is Lacey. Don’t drink, don’t fuck, what do ya do? Nehemiah is a black radical coming straight outta Arizona State. He’s got his eyes on Johanna, a Peru born, brown-skin honey, hailing from Riverside. Unfortunately for Huey Newton, she’s feelin’ Danny. So much, that she forced a make-out, in a bar, their first night out. Since Danny’s sprung on Melinda, Johanna felt moded, and asked Nehemiah not to let her get drunk and make a fool of herself again. When Nehemiah tried to stop her from doing just that, at a club the next night, she went buckwild on him, grabbing on his neck and pulling his shirt off. Nehemiah stormed out the club. Wes and Danny go looking for him, in a drunken stooper. It wasn’t long before they annoyed enough people to start an all out melee. A few tough guys started shoving them around, and then BOOYOW! Danny got banked on. In The Bay we call that getting your mask cracked, but I’ve never seen a more perfect example. Danny’s cheekbone was literally caved in. This is only the beginning, folks. I smell Tivo gold.
—Sam
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